What do I do if guests bring kids to a kid-free wedding?

Jasfrey123 · April 2014

My fiance and I decided early on that the only children that will be at the wedding and reception will be our 3 kids that are in the wedding party, they will also be leaving the reception that starts at 5 at 7:30. We have made it quite clear that there will be no guests under 18 (called the guests with kids, put it on invitations, put it on the wedding information insert that was included with the invitations....ect) however I have found out that there are guests that plan on just bringing their kids anyway because the whole mindset is that if they just bring them there will be nothing that we would do about it. I don't want to be rude about it, but I have considered asking them to leave if they show up, but my mother and fiance told me that I can't do that. What should I do?

AddieCake · April 2014

This happened to my aunt. It was only one child, and it was a family member, so she opted to just let it go. I say keep firm and have a DOC inform them there is no seat for them, etc, as PPs suggested. These rude people are teaching their children that rules, expectations, etc don't matter.

meh0429 · April 2014

If your guests are going to be rude and bring uninvited people with them to the reception, then I think a B&G would absolutely be within their right to ask them (politely) to go home. As other posters have indicated, if you word your invites correctly and it's clear who is invited, why should you be obligated to cover the additional expenses incurred by the extra headcount? I'm curious if we were talking about a guest bringing a +1 who wasn't invited vs a child, does that make a difference? In my opinion, no. It's rude to bring someone (child or adult) who was not invited and it's disrespectful to the couple.

We have the same potential issue - people have been specifically told, on several occasions throughout our engagement, that our wedding is 21 and over and yet I've heard of some folks essentially "threatening" to bring their kid. I have no problem asking them to leave, especially because I will not be held liable for an underage, uninvited guest drinking alcohol (not having a bartender).

ladyamanuet · April 2014

I was thinking, for those who aren't cool with having their DOC straight up tell them to leave, that having the DOC tell them:

"I'm sorry, but you are not able to take your seat until the all other guests are seated, as we do not have accommodations for your child/date. If, after everyone else is sat, it is clear that someone who RSVPed yes was unable to attend, your child/date can have that seat. Unfortunately, if all invited guests are in attendance, there is no where for us to accommodate your child/date, no food for him/her, and his/her presence does put the venue over contract capacity, so you will need to make offsite arrangements for him/her. You can then return to the reception and chow and party down! We apologize, but due to venue/contract policies, we can only accommodate invited guests"

Maybe I'm crazy, but this seems less "get the hell out"-ish, allows for the appearance of trying to accommodate the invited guest's rudeness (even if it is nothing more than the appearance), and does put the blame squarely on the guest for bringing an uninvited guest. But I would never bring an uninvited guest to a wedding, so I can't speak knowingly on what rude people themselves find rude.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

shrekspeare said:

show previous quotes

Jasfrey123 said:

My fiance and I decided early on that the only children that will be at the wedding and reception will be our 3 kids that are in the wedding party, they will also be leaving the reception that starts at 5 at 7:30. We have made it quite clear that there will be no guests under 18 (called the guests with kids, put it on invitations, put it on the wedding information insert that was included with the invitations....ect) however I have found out that there are guests that plan on just bringing their kids anyway because the whole mindset is that if they just bring them there will be nothing that we would do about it. I don't want to be rude about it, but I have considered asking them to leave if they show up, but my mother and fiance told me that I can't do that. What should I do?

I essentially asked this same question a few weeks ago. The best response I got was to hire a DOC to ask them to leave. Which I am. :]

This.

Even though it wasn't really appropriate to include "no kids" on your invitation, the most you can do is kindly tell your guests that if they bring their child there will be no chair, no food, and basically no room for them period. If they bring them anyways, then let your DOC deal with it.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Jasfrey123 said:

My fiance and I decided early on that the only children that will be at the wedding and reception will be our 3 kids that are in the wedding party, they will also be leaving the reception that starts at 5 at 7:30. We have made it quite clear that there will be no guests under 18 (called the guests with kids, put it on invitations, put it on the wedding information insert that was included with the invitations....ect) however I have found out that there are guests that plan on just bringing their kids anyway because the whole mindset is that if they just bring them there will be nothing that we would do about it. I don't want to be rude about it, but I have considered asking them to leave if they show up, but my mother and fiance told me that I can't do that. What should I do?

Why does your FI say that? Are you and he not on the same page about this? Because that's a problem.

You say in the beginning of your post that you and your FI decided on no kids, but then at the end, you say he's willing to cave to people who are so rude as to bring uninvited guests to your wedding. You and he need to get on the same page about this, and he needs to be willing to back your kicking-people-out play.

After you two sort that out, then you can figure out how you're going to handle uninvited children.

Jasfrey123 · April 2014

Thanks for the advice, I didn't specifically word it "no kids," the wording was "This is an adult event, therefore no guests under the age of 18." When we spoke directly to the guests with children we went into more detail as to why there would be nobody under that age allowed.

JessicaB387 · April 2014

Do nothing. I had a couple bring their two small kids to my wedding who were clearly not invited, and I just ignored the whole situation and had a great time anyways. There were no kids meals or seats for them, I don't even know what they did the whole time. I honestly didn't even pay attention to it, and my day was not ruined in the least. Also, I found out later that both the couple and their children had a great time, so whatever. It all worked out in the end. I really believe that on your wedding day if you just go with the flow and not let little things upset you then you will have a good day.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Jasfrey123 said:

Thanks for the advice, I didn't specifically word it "no kids," the wording was "This is an adult event, therefore no guests under the age of 18." When we spoke directly to the guests with children we went into more detail as to why there would be nobody under that age allowed.

For lurkers, this is still rude. You use an invitation to tell people that they ARE invited, not to tell people who ISN'T invited.

2leadsingers · April 2014

Jasfrey123 said:

My fiance and I decided early on that the only children that will be at the wedding and reception will be our 3 kids that are in the wedding party, they will also be leaving the reception that starts at 5 at 7:30. We have made it quite clear that there will be no guests under 18 (called the guests with kids, put it on invitations, put it on the wedding information insert that was included with the invitations....ect) however I have found out that there are guests that plan on just bringing their kids anyway because the whole mindset is that if they just bring them there will be nothing that we would do about it. I don't want to be rude about it, but I have considered asking them to leave if they show up, but my mother and fiance told me that I can't do that. What should I do?

It is really rude to ask a parent to take their kid from a reception early who is in the wedding party. My son was a ring bearer in a wedding last year over an hour from my house and my babysitters and the bride told me she wanted my son at the reception to be announced with the WP and then she wanted him to leave. No meal. So I didn't take the night off of work and left with him, in tears and haven't spoken to her since. When she found out the day before the wedding that his leaving also meant my leaving, she took it upon herself to call my dad to drive over an hour to come pick him up from the reception and babysit so that I could stay. Very rude and it was a friendship ending move. Imagine how the parents of those kids will feel, that you can have no problem using their kids as props for photos and you don't care enough about them or or their kids to let them stay for a reception. What harm are they really going to do at a reception? Having attended close to 50 weddings, I have yet to see one where kids did anything other than be on the dance floor or photo booth tearing it up and having a great time. Parents generally are going to discipline their children if needed and know when to leave if a meltdown occurs.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

2leadsingers said:

show previous quotes

Jasfrey123 said:

My fiance and I decided early on that the only children that will be at the wedding and reception will be our 3 kids that are in the wedding party, they will also be leaving the reception that starts at 5 at 7:30. We have made it quite clear that there will be no guests under 18 (called the guests with kids, put it on invitations, put it on the wedding information insert that was included with the invitations....ect) however I have found out that there are guests that plan on just bringing their kids anyway because the whole mindset is that if they just bring them there will be nothing that we would do about it. I don't want to be rude about it, but I have considered asking them to leave if they show up, but my mother and fiance told me that I can't do that. What should I do?

It is really rude to ask a parent to take their kid from a reception early who is in the wedding party. My son was a ring bearer in a wedding last year over an hour from my house and my babysitters and the bride told me she wanted my son at the reception to be announced with the WP and then she wanted him to leave. No meal. So I didn't take the night off of work and left with him, in tears and haven't spoken to her since. When she found out the day before the wedding that his leaving also meant my leaving, she took it upon herself to call my dad to drive over an hour to come pick him up from the reception and babysit so that I could stay. Very rude and it was a friendship ending move. Imagine how the parents of those kids will feel, that you can have no problem using their kids as props for photos and you don't care enough about them or or their kids to let them stay for a reception. What harm are they really going to do at a reception? Having attended close to 50 weddings, I have yet to see one where kids did anything other than be on the dance floor or photo booth tearing it up and having a great time. Parents generally are going to discipline their children if needed and know when to leave if a meltdown occurs.

FYI, the kids in the wedding are that of the OP, not other guests.

kmmssg · April 2014

2leadsingers said:

show previous quotes

Jasfrey123 said:

My fiance and I decided early on that the only children that will be at the wedding and reception will be our 3 kids that are in the wedding party, they will also be leaving the reception that starts at 5 at 7:30. We have made it quite clear that there will be no guests under 18 (called the guests with kids, put it on invitations, put it on the wedding information insert that was included with the invitations....ect) however I have found out that there are guests that plan on just bringing their kids anyway because the whole mindset is that if they just bring them there will be nothing that we would do about it. I don't want to be rude about it, but I have considered asking them to leave if they show up, but my mother and fiance told me that I can't do that. What should I do?
It is really rude to ask a parent to take their kid from a reception early who is in the wedding party. My son was a ring bearer in a wedding last year over an hour from my house and my babysitters and the bride told me she wanted my son at the reception to be announced with the WP and then she wanted him to leave. No meal. So I didn't take the night off of work and left with him, in tears and haven't spoken to her since. When she found out the day before the wedding that his leaving also meant my leaving, she took it upon herself to call my dad to drive over an hour to come pick him up from the reception and babysit so that I could stay. Very rude and it was a friendship ending move. Imagine how the parents of those kids will feel, that you can have no problem using their kids as props for photos and you don't care enough about them or or their kids to let them stay for a reception. What harm are they really going to do at a reception? Having attended close to 50 weddings, I have yet to see one where kids did anything other than be on the dance floor or photo booth tearing it up and having a great time. Parents generally are going to discipline their children if needed and know when to leave if a meltdown occurs.

The OP is talking about HER OWN children being the only 3 invited and she is having them stay for 2 1/2 hours into the reception and then having them leave. She isn't kicking a guest's kid out of the reception, she is having her own kids leave part-way into the reception. There is nothing wrong with that.

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

@2leadsingers they are her children. As in the children of op. Your response is correct, anyone invited to the ceremony should be invited to the reception. I think no one touched it because they were her kids

CrazyCatLady3 · April 2014

2leadsingers said:

show previous quotes

Jasfrey123 said:

My fiance and I decided early on that the only children that will be at the wedding and reception will be our 3 kids that are in the wedding party, they will also be leaving the reception that starts at 5 at 7:30. We have made it quite clear that there will be no guests under 18 (called the guests with kids, put it on invitations, put it on the wedding information insert that was included with the invitations....ect) however I have found out that there are guests that plan on just bringing their kids anyway because the whole mindset is that if they just bring them there will be nothing that we would do about it. I don't want to be rude about it, but I have considered asking them to leave if they show up, but my mother and fiance told me that I can't do that. What should I do?

It is really rude to ask a parent to take their kid from a reception early who is in the wedding party. My son was a ring bearer in a wedding last year over an hour from my house and my babysitters and the bride told me she wanted my son at the reception to be announced with the WP and then she wanted him to leave. No meal. So I didn't take the night off of work and left with him, in tears and haven't spoken to her since. When she found out the day before the wedding that his leaving also meant my leaving, she took it upon herself to call my dad to drive over an hour to come pick him up from the reception and babysit so that I could stay. Very rude and it was a friendship ending move. Imagine how the parents of those kids will feel, that you can have no problem using their kids as props for photos and you don't care enough about them or or their kids to let them stay for a reception. What harm are they really going to do at a reception? Having attended close to 50 weddings, I have yet to see one where kids did anything other than be on the dance floor or photo booth tearing it up and having a great time. Parents generally are going to discipline their children if needed and know when to leave if a meltdown occurs.

Um, it's the B&G's own kids who are leaving early. I imagine they have a babysitter or nanny coming to pick them up.

And many people do not want children "tearing it up" on the dance floor at their wedding. It gives the wedding a different feel and adults (esp. who are drinking) feel that they need to be more careful when their are little ones afoot.

Jasfrey123 · April 2014

My fiance have been on the same page with children the entire time, he still does not want children there but the people that plan on bringing them no matter what we say or do are all in his family and his mother keeps pressuring him to change his mind.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

This blows my mind. Hopefully I won't be posting this down the line as I haven't sent invitations yet but how in the world are people that incredibly self entitled?? "Well they can't do anything once the kids are there"...really? UGH people suck- sorry you have to deal with this OP. I would do what @shrekspeare will be doing.

grumbledore · April 2014

Can we get real for a minute here? Are there really people here who will have their DOC ask a family member to leave their wedding reception because they have an uninvited child in tow?

I'm not defending the parents who do this here, but the only way I would feel comfortable asking someone to leave would be if they were being blatantly abusive somehow during the reception, and dragging around a 6 year old doesn't qualify imo.

The lasting damage of kicking a friend or family member out of one's wedding reception would definitely not be worth it to me, or (I assume) the vast majority of people.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Jasfrey123 said:

My fiance have been on the same page with children the entire time, he still does not want children there but the people that plan on bringing them no matter what we say or do are all in his family and his mother keeps pressuring him to change his mind.

Then you have the makings of a MIL problem. If she insists on subverting what you want to appease her family, and you give in on it, you're laying the groundwork for her to run roughshod over your decisions for the rest of your marriage.

Your FI needs to have a come-to-Jesus talk with his mother in which he says no kids are invited, and if people show up with children, they will be turned away at the door. If she doesn't want her relatives to be embarrassed, she will impress upon them how truly serious you two are about not having children there.

Generally, when given the choice between public humiliation and obedience to other people's desires when it's reasonable (such as at a wedding), people will choose obedience.

OliveOilsMom · April 2014

Jasfrey123 said:

My fiance have been on the same page with children the entire time, he still does not want children there but the people that plan on bringing them no matter what we say or do are all in his family and his mother keeps pressuring him to change his mind.

Then FI needs to tell his mom that she needs to butt out of your wedding! Also have it mentioned to FMIL that the children will not be accomodated. (She's not spreading around the "just bring your kids" to the family, is she?) Hire your DOC coordinator and let her/him deal with it. Make sure they are a professional and can deal with this issue and not a friend who you hire to deal with this.

Inkdancer · April 2014

grumbledore said:

Can we get real for a minute here? Are there really people here who will have their DOC ask a family member to leave their wedding reception because they have an uninvited child in tow?

I'm not defending the parents who do this here, but the only way I would feel comfortable asking someone to leave would be if they were being blatantly abusive somehow during the reception, and dragging around a 6 year old doesn't qualify imo.

The lasting damage of kicking a friend or family member out of one's wedding reception would definitely not be worth it to me, or (I assume) the vast majority of people.

I think this really depends. Let's say for example that I invite my cousin C. I don't much care for her but my mom asked me to invite her. Then cousin C shows up with a kid in tow. Heck yeah I'd kick her out, because I didn't want her there to begin with and now she's bringing extra people.

On the other hand, FI's cousin H has a 4-year-old daughter A. A is very well behaved, and I like H a lot. If H brings A, I will not throw them out, because H is a responsible adult and will watch A and make sure she's being good.

In the OP's situation, it sounds to me like the damage is already done. By phrasing the invites in that way, people were offended, and now they're ignoring the request because they're hurt by it and want to "get back" at the "crazy bride who made her FI ignore family rules"

Jen4948 · April 2014

grumbledore said:

Can we get real for a minute here? Are there really people here who will have their DOC ask a family member to leave their wedding reception because they have an uninvited child in tow?

I'm not defending the parents who do this here, but the only way I would feel comfortable asking someone to leave would be if they were being blatantly abusive somehow during the reception, and dragging around a 6 year old doesn't qualify imo.

The lasting damage of kicking a friend or family member out of one's wedding reception would definitely not be worth it to me, or (I assume) the vast majority of people.

Yes, there are people who would do that, including me. Sorry, but contrary to the belief that it's rude to ask people who bring uninvited guests with them to leave, it's not.

There are people who would suck it up and accept the kids, but iif it really isn't possible to accommodate uninvited kids for whatever reason, including a no-kids policy by the venue, then the couple has no choice but to ask the guests to leave with their children. If they are planning a no-kids wedding, nothing in etiquette requires that they plan to allow people who bring their kids anyway to stay.

The parents who assume their kids are invited and ignore the fact that their kids' names aren't on the invitation, or even who are told to their faces that the kids are not invited, and bring them anyway expecting them to be accommodated, are the ones being rude and risking their friendship with the couple-not the other way around. Telling them to leave is merely the consequences they need to accept for their own acts of rudeness and is not impolite in and of itself.

OliveOilsMom · April 2014

Also, grumbledore, any uninvited guest that show up, I'm sure the venue will be asking for payment for those added people at the end of the night. That might be an extra expense couples hadn't thought of and could be caught off guard.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

OliveOilsMom said:

Also, grumbledore, any uninvited guest that show up, I'm sure the venue will be asking for payment for those added people at the end of the night. That might be an extra expense couples hadn't thought of and could be caught off guard.

Plus having to have your venue staff scramble at the last minute to get more seats, more table wear, etc for these unexpected guests. People don't normally have extra seating in case some rude guests want to bring uninvited people.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

grumbledore said:

Can we get real for a minute here? Are there really people here who will have their DOC ask a family member to leave their wedding reception because they have an uninvited child in tow?

I'm not defending the parents who do this here, but the only way I would feel comfortable asking someone to leave would be if they were being blatantly abusive somehow during the reception, and dragging around a 6 year old doesn't qualify imo.

The lasting damage of kicking a friend or family member out of one's wedding reception would definitely not be worth it to me, or (I assume) the vast majority of people.

Yes, there are. I'm one of them. Why? Because if you have politely and firmly and appropriately told people that their children aren't invited, they need to honour that. They don't have to like it, but they have to honour it.

Actions have consequences. Why did the parents of the uninvited child(ren) not think about the lasting damage of bringing their specifically-not-invited child along to the event?

Had DH's parents attempted to attend our reception, I absolutely would have had them arrested for trespassing and escorted off the premises. No hesitation whatsoever.

There are times I don't think it's worth dying on the hill and risking a family feud over things relating to your wedding, and there are times there are. People bringing along uninvited guests is one of those.

Re-frame it; how would you react if your friend decided to bring her BF (invited), but also her brother and her brother's GF (not invited). I mean, they're family (to her), but they weren't invited, and now you're on the hook for those meals (and I don't know about anyone else, but our venue charged us a per-person fee for anyone over the headcount that we had given them the week before our wedding; it was essentially a convenience fee for extra guests), and your venue is scrambling to find seating and chairs and linens.

What if you didn't rent enough tables/chairs/table clothes/napkins/glasses/flatware/etc.? Who gets stuck eating off the plastic plates? And what if those kids put the venue over its fire-code capacity? Who gets kicked out of the venue because Cousin Susie was rude?

Also, @lyndausvi tells a story frequently about people who got turned away because the boat's capacity was 99 people, and that included infants, and people thought, 'Oh, my infant doesn't count.' Yes, to the US Coast Guard, your kid does, in fact, count as a body.

2leadsingers · April 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

show previous quotes

2leadsingers said:

Jasfrey123 said:

My fiance and I decided early on that the only children that will be at the wedding and reception will be our 3 kids that are in the wedding party, they will also be leaving the reception that starts at 5 at 7:30. We have made it quite clear that there will be no guests under 18 (called the guests with kids, put it on invitations, put it on the wedding information insert that was included with the invitations....ect) however I have found out that there are guests that plan on just bringing their kids anyway because the whole mindset is that if they just bring them there will be nothing that we would do about it. I don't want to be rude about it, but I have considered asking them to leave if they show up, but my mother and fiance told me that I can't do that. What should I do?

It is really rude to ask a parent to take their kid from a reception early who is in the wedding party. My son was a ring bearer in a wedding last year over an hour from my house and my babysitters and the bride told me she wanted my son at the reception to be announced with the WP and then she wanted him to leave. No meal. So I didn't take the night off of work and left with him, in tears and haven't spoken to her since. When she found out the day before the wedding that his leaving also meant my leaving, she took it upon herself to call my dad to drive over an hour to come pick him up from the reception and babysit so that I could stay. Very rude and it was a friendship ending move. Imagine how the parents of those kids will feel, that you can have no problem using their kids as props for photos and you don't care enough about them or or their kids to let them stay for a reception. What harm are they really going to do at a reception? Having attended close to 50 weddings, I have yet to see one where kids did anything other than be on the dance floor or photo booth tearing it up and having a great time. Parents generally are going to discipline their children if needed and know when to leave if a meltdown occurs.

Um, it's the B&G's own kids who are leaving early. I imagine they have a babysitter or nanny coming to pick them up.
And many people do not want children "tearing it up" on the dance floor at their wedding. It gives the wedding a different feel and adults (esp. who are drinking) feel that they need to be more careful when their are little ones afoot.

My bad for not catching that they were her own kids. I thought she meant only kids in WP would be there and they would be asked to leave.

NYCBruin · April 2014

grumbledore said:

Can we get real for a minute here? Are there really people here who will have their DOC ask a family member to leave their wedding reception because they have an uninvited child in tow?

I'm not defending the parents who do this here, but the only way I would feel comfortable asking someone to leave would be if they were being blatantly abusive somehow during the reception, and dragging around a 6 year old doesn't qualify imo.

The lasting damage of kicking a friend or family member out of one's wedding reception would definitely not be worth it to me, or (I assume) the vast majority of people.

Yes, absolutely.

At the point where you have been informed that your little darlings (or any uninvited guest) is not actually invited and you insist on bringing them to our wedding, you have basically told me that you don't respect me. I don't have time in my life for people who don't respect me. To me, asking a guest who brought extras in tow isn't causing any more damage than the guest has already created.

grumbledore · April 2014

Jen4948 said:
show previous quotes

grumbledore said:

Can we get real for a minute here? Are there really people here who will have their DOC ask a family member to leave their wedding reception because they have an uninvited child in tow?

I'm not defending the parents who do this here, but the only way I would feel comfortable asking someone to leave would be if they were being blatantly abusive somehow during the reception, and dragging around a 6 year old doesn't qualify imo.

The lasting damage of kicking a friend or family member out of one's wedding reception would definitely not be worth it to me, or (I assume) the vast majority of people.

Yes, there are people who would do that, including me. Sorry, but contrary to the belief that it's rude to ask people who bring uninvited guests with them to leave, it's not.

There are people who would suck it up and accept the kids, but iif it really isn't possible to accommodate uninvited kids for whatever reason, including a no-kids policy by the venue, then the couple has no choice but to ask the guests to leave with their children. If they are planning a no-kids wedding, nothing in etiquette requires that they plan to allow people who bring their kids anyway to stay.

The parents who assume their kids are invited and ignore the fact that their kids' names aren't on the invitation, or even who are told to their faces that the kids are not invited, and bring them anyway expecting them to be accommodated, are the ones being rude and risking their friendship with the couple-not the other way around. Telling them to leave is merely the consequences they need to accept for their own acts of rudeness and is not impolite in and of itself.

I didn't say it was rude to kick them out. I said I wouldn't do it because the fallout wouldn't be worth it.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

grumbledore said:

Can we get real for a minute here? Are there really people here who will have their DOC ask a family member to leave their wedding reception because they have an uninvited child in tow?

I'm not defending the parents who do this here, but the only way I would feel comfortable asking someone to leave would be if they were being blatantly abusive somehow during the reception, and dragging around a 6 year old doesn't qualify imo.

The lasting damage of kicking a friend or family member out of one's wedding reception would definitely not be worth it to me, or (I assume) the vast majority of people.

Everyone's kids are invited to my wedding but if they weren't and someone brought them anyway, I wouldn't make a big deal about it. I know there are people who would but it wouldn't be a hill to die on for me. Then again, it is really easy for me to say that because my venue is a family member's property so adding seats, ect wouldn't be that much of a hassle. If I was having it some place, like a country club or something, where uninvited guest would be a huge hassle I might feel differently..

delujm0 · April 2014

There's a difference between "someone just bringing their uninvited kids" and "someone bringing their uninvited kids, even though they have repeatedly asked the bride and groom, and have been repeatedly told that the kids are not welcome there." The first one could just be incompetance - the guest not knowing proper etiquette or making assumptions about the invite. The second shows a willful and intentional action to disrespect the bride and groom on their wedding day.

If the first one happened to me, i'd get over it. If the second one did, I'd absolutely have my planner ask the people in question to leave and only return when they have found acceptable accommodations for their children for the duration of the reception.

DaisyMaeMommy · April 2014

If I was paying $100+ PER PERSON, and someone brought their kids when I specifically invited only them, I'd be livid.

Would I kick them out? Maybe, depending on who it was. If it was someone I was very close to, I'd have to really consider what the consequences would be. If it was a co-worker or someone like that, I'd tell them to keep walking, out the door!

tammym1001 · April 2014

grumbledore said:

Can we get real for a minute here? Are there really people here who will have their DOC ask a family member to leave their wedding reception because they have an uninvited child in tow?

I'm not defending the parents who do this here, but the only way I would feel comfortable asking someone to leave would be if they were being blatantly abusive somehow during the reception, and dragging around a 6 year old doesn't qualify imo.

The lasting damage of kicking a friend or family member out of one's wedding reception would definitely not be worth it to me, or (I assume) the vast majority of people.

We don't have an issue with kids because most of our friends have adult children who aren't interested in coming anyways. We do have extended family who we didn't invite to our wedding and they have said that they were going to come. I have told them repeatedly that we are having a small wedding and they aren't invited. They have been getting information from family members who are invited.

My DOC has very specific instructions that if anyone shows up who doesn't have an escort card they need to be asked to leave. I'm not the one damaging the relationship by asking them to leave. They are the ones damaging the relationship by not being respectful of what FI and I want and showing up somewhere that they were repeatedly told they weren't invited. At that point, I don't care if they get mad at me because they're rude and disrespectful and I'm not going to want to be bothered with them after that anyways.

lyndausvi · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

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grumbledore said:

Can we get real for a minute here? Are there really people here who will have their DOC ask a family member to leave their wedding reception because they have an uninvited child in tow?

I'm not defending the parents who do this here, but the only way I would feel comfortable asking someone to leave would be if they were being blatantly abusive somehow during the reception, and dragging around a 6 year old doesn't qualify imo.

The lasting damage of kicking a friend or family member out of one's wedding reception would definitely not be worth it to me, or (I assume) the vast majority of people.

Yes, there are. I'm one of them. Why? Because if you have politely and firmly and appropriately told people that their children aren't invited, they need to honour that. They don't have to like it, but they have to honour it.

Actions have consequences. Why did the parents of the uninvited child(ren) not think about the lasting damage of bringing their specifically-not-invited child along to the event?

Had DH's parents attempted to attend our reception, I absolutely would have had them arrested for trespassing and escorted off the premises. No hesitation whatsoever.

There are times I don't think it's worth dying on the hill and risking a family feud over things relating to your wedding, and there are times there are. People bringing along uninvited guests is one of those.

Re-frame it; how would you react if your friend decided to bring her BF (invited), but also her brother and her brother's GF (not invited). I mean, they're family (to her), but they weren't invited, and now you're on the hook for those meals (and I don't know about anyone else, but our venue charged us a per-person fee for anyone over the headcount that we had given them the week before our wedding; it was essentially a convenience fee for extra guests), and your venue is scrambling to find seating and chairs and linens.

What if you didn't rent enough tables/chairs/table clothes/napkins/glasses/flatware/etc.? Who gets stuck eating off the plastic plates? And what if those kids put the venue over its fire-code capacity? Who gets kicked out of the venue because Cousin Susie was rude?

Also, @lyndausvi tells a story frequently about people who got turned away because the boat's capacity was 99 people, and that included infants, and people thought, 'Oh, my infant doesn't count.' Yes, to the US Coast Guard, your kid does, in fact, count as a body.

Yep, the count was 49. Regardless if you were an hour old or 200 years old. A person, is a person, is a person.

People who assume should be called out. If they don't what stops them the next time?

What do I do if guests bring kids to a kid-free wedding?

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