Cheaters

mbross3 · April 2014

CMGragain said:

My two children have friends who are what they call "polyamorous". They are in marriages or relationships which permit sex outside the marriage/relationship. My stance was that this doesn't work well. Son was all for it, until the girl he was in love with told him that she was pregnant and that she was sure that it wasn't his. He was so hurt. They are still friends, but not lovers.

Actually then they are probably in open relationships. Polyamorous relationships don't involve "sex outside the marriage/relationship" polyamorous people have multiple relationships. Sorry if I'm being a stickler, but there is a difference since what you're saying suggests that there is a "central/main" relationship that they are having satellite relationships outside of. This could be true of an open relationship or a relationship where the couple are swingers, but this is generally not how polyamorous people consider their relationships.

Different types of relationships can work for different types of people. It sounds like the issue your son (or his friend? sorry not clear) had is that they weren't communicating well and it turns out that the type of relationship they had was not what he wanted. This doesn't mean that these alternative relationships cannot be completely healthy, happy ones! They take the same work, trust and communication that monogamous relationships do.

CMGragain · April 2014

I'll never "get it".

mbross3 · April 2014

Luckily for everyone it isn't necessary to "get it" to be respectful and supportive of people's relationships

smalfrie19 · April 2014

I cheated on my ex..with my now FI..and in the two years we have been together the thought hasn't crossed my mind. Personally, the reason I cheated was because I felt neglected and when I tried to communicated my needs to my ex, he continued to ignore my needs. What I did was in no way right, but it wasn't for no reason either. My FI on the other hand makes an effort to meet my needs, so even when he doesn't I know its still important to him and he is trying.

monkeysip · April 2014

smalfrie19 said:

I cheated on my ex..with my now FI..and in the two years we have been together the thought hasn't crossed my mind. Personally, the reason I cheated was because I felt neglected and when I tried to communicated my needs to my ex, he continued to ignore my needs. What I did was in no way right, but it wasn't for no reason either. My FI on the other hand makes an effort to meet my needs, so even when he doesn't I know its still important to him and he is trying.

This is in no way meant to be a personal attack on you whatsoever, but I'm just curious as to your thoughts since you've been there.

But what if you and FI got married, and he stopped make an effort to meet your needs. What if he was really neglecting you and not communicating with you. Do you think you'd be tempted to cheat?

My point is that I don't think it's ok to cheat on your husband even if those cases, so I'm just wondering for those here who said that just because someone cheats on one person, they won't cheat on the next person, what happens when the one spouse starts neglecting the other? Is the only reason they haven't cheated on the next person because they didn't feel neglected/mistreated?

FiancB · April 2014

I was tempted to cheat on my ex in a similar situation, where I felt neglected and unwanted. I don't think that would be the case now with FI if I started to feel similarly. I am more mature now. Before I was in a case where I had never broken up with someone and really had a hard time garnering the resolve to do it, and as said many times I was scared and overly reliant on my ex.

Now while I love having FI in my life, I know I'd be okay without him too. So I'd break up with him before cheating on him. If that makes sense.

smalfrie19 · April 2014

monkeysip said:

smalfrie19 said:

I cheated on my ex..with my now FI..and in the two years we have been together the thought hasn't crossed my mind. Personally, the reason I cheated was because I felt neglected and when I tried to communicated my needs to my ex, he continued to ignore my needs. What I did was in no way right, but it wasn't for no reason either. My FI on the other hand makes an effort to meet my needs, so even when he doesn't I know its still important to him and he is trying.

This is in no way meant to be a personal attack on you whatsoever, but I'm just curious as to your thoughts since you've been there.

But what if you and FI got married, and he stopped make an effort to meet your needs. What if he was really neglecting you and not communicating with you. Do you think you'd be tempted to cheat?

My point is that I don't think it's ok to cheat on your husband even if those cases, so I'm just wondering for those here who said that just because someone cheats on one person, they won't cheat on the next person, what happens when the one spouse starts neglecting the other? Is the only reason they haven't cheated on the next person because they didn't feel neglected/mistreated?

Because of my past actions, we are in pre marital couples counseling so if something like that happens, we can work through it with communication. Being with him has made me want to be a better person, which is also why I am in individual therapy as well.

monkeysip · April 2014

smalfrie19 said:

monkeysip said:

smalfrie19 said:

I cheated on my ex..with my now FI..and in the two years we have been together the thought hasn't crossed my mind. Personally, the reason I cheated was because I felt neglected and when I tried to communicated my needs to my ex, he continued to ignore my needs. What I did was in no way right, but it wasn't for no reason either. My FI on the other hand makes an effort to meet my needs, so even when he doesn't I know its still important to him and he is trying.

This is in no way meant to be a personal attack on you whatsoever, but I'm just curious as to your thoughts since you've been there.

But what if you and FI got married, and he stopped make an effort to meet your needs. What if he was really neglecting you and not communicating with you. Do you think you'd be tempted to cheat?

My point is that I don't think it's ok to cheat on your husband even if those cases, so I'm just wondering for those here who said that just because someone cheats on one person, they won't cheat on the next person, what happens when the one spouse starts neglecting the other? Is the only reason they haven't cheated on the next person because they didn't feel neglected/mistreated?

Because of my past actions, we are in pre marital couples counseling so if something like that happens, we can work through it with communication. Being with him has made me want to be a better person, which is also why I am in individual therapy as well.

Thanks for being willing to answer my question.

I definitely think people can change, so I don't think once you cheat your relationships are doomed or anything. But I think you touched on the important step... addressing the reason behind the cheating and taking steps to prevent it in the future. Unfortunately, I worry some people don't do that, so it's becomes cyclical behavior.

JennyColada · April 2014

CMGragain said:

My stance was that this doesn't work well.

This is a pretty weighty statement, and honestly it's not even correct. I understand that it's your opinion and all, but it's just plain wrong.

I know tons of people in poly relationships and they have amazing, happy, and long-lasting relationships. I definitely don't see anything about their relationship that "doesn't work well" (at least, nothing that's inherent to them being in a poly relationship).

I think the bigger issue with alternative relationships not "working well" is that the wrong people are in the wrong relationships: people get into poly or open relationships when it's not right for them (just as people get into monogamous relationships that aren't right for them). When you're dating the wrong person in the wrong way, then of course that won't work! But that's an issue with someone as an individual, and not the relationship style.

CMGragain · April 2014

Sorry, but I will never understand.

Swazzle · April 2014

I find the path of this discussion so interesting and eye-opening. There are so many different types of relationships and I think it's really great when people find someone that shares a similar mindset about a relationship and are able to truly be happy. I feel like I learned a lot from reading this thread!

I cheated on my college BF a few times and the final time was with my now-H. If I'm being honest, I was young and I wanted it all. I wanted to go out and have fun and fool around with guys but I also wanted someone to come home to. For about a year, I knew very well that I was not happy, but I was too scared and immature to end it. When I met H, things changed for me. We've been together for almost 7 years now and there is absolutely no part of me (and there hasn't been in all that time) that can even fathom being emotionally, romantically, or physically with another man.

So yea, I subscribe to the theory that people can change because I happen to believe I'm one of those people.

LDay2014 · April 2014

CMGragain said:

Sorry, but I will never understand.

I find it interesting that your answers on this subject are so short and blunt.

It may not be for you, but that doesn't mean it can never work.

Works just fine for us

mbross3 · April 2014

CMGragain said:

Sorry, but I will never understand.

Why do you need to understand it? It's not for you--that's clear. But you do realize that different people want different things, right? What is right for you isn't necessarily right for someone else and vice versa. That's part of what makes the world-with all of its diversity- such an interesting place!

Does your inability to understand a choice make you unable to recognize that it is a valid choice that might make someone very happy and to respect that?

Honestly, it is less important to "understand" why someone makes the choices they do and more important to respect and, perhaps, support their decisions.

abbyj700 · April 2014

CMGragain said:

Sorry, but I will never understand.

This always makes me so sad. People say this shit about poly relationships, gay relationships, etc - and they think it's just fine to come and say "I think your'e relationship is wrong because I don't understand it."

Guess what? I'm in a straight and monogamous relationship - yet you probably wouldn't understand my relationship either. And you don't have to. It's not your place to judge.

climbingsingle · April 2014

monkeysip said:

smalfrie19 said:

I cheated on my ex..with my now FI..and in the two years we have been together the thought hasn't crossed my mind. Personally, the reason I cheated was because I felt neglected and when I tried to communicated my needs to my ex, he continued to ignore my needs. What I did was in no way right, but it wasn't for no reason either. My FI on the other hand makes an effort to meet my needs, so even when he doesn't I know its still important to him and he is trying.

This is in no way meant to be a personal attack on you whatsoever, but I'm just curious as to your thoughts since you've been there.

But what if you and FI got married, and he stopped make an effort to meet your needs. What if he was really neglecting you and not communicating with you. Do you think you'd be tempted to cheat?

My point is that I don't think it's ok to cheat on your husband even if those cases, so I'm just wondering for those here who said that just because someone cheats on one person, they won't cheat on the next person, what happens when the one spouse starts neglecting the other? Is the only reason they haven't cheated on the next person because they didn't feel neglected/mistreated?

I know this wasn't directed at me, but I wanted to answer as a former cheater. And yes, I do consider myself "former" and would never do it again.

When I cheated on my ex, I almost wasn't afraid to get caught. I wanted out and I was too much of a coward to break up with him.

If FI and I started growing apart, if my needs weren't met - any of those situations, I'd never cheat on him because I'd be terrified of losing him. I would never do something like that to put our relationship at risk. I'd do whatever it took to communicate and work on our relationship to fix it.

Anyway, that's just my POV :-)

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