Wedding Etiquette Forum

A warning for all those compiling guests lists

When making a guest list, you should plan for 100% attendance, never counting on certain people to RSVP "no" because of x or y or z.  I've seen this warning on here all the time, and I've always thought to myself, "that makes sense, it's common wedding-planning knowledge, right?"  Wrong.

A friend of mine has set a budget for 150 guests, saying that was the highest number of guests they could afford to accommodate, and how they were hoping for closer to 100-120.  I've been thinking throughout her planning that 30-50 declines would be a lot, but kept my mouth shut because she is an adult who is capable of making her own decisions, or so I thought.  She is two weeks from her wedding and had a breakdown this week, telling me that out of the 215 they invited, 198 are attending.  That's right, she planned, bugeted, and made contracts for 150 people, after sending out 215 invites! I have NO idea why she thought she would get nearly a 50% decline rate, but she was very, very wrong, and is now in a very tight situation financially. 

Don't do it! Save yourself! Plan for 100%!!
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Re: A warning for all those compiling guests lists

  • Yup. We had 100% attendance, and we had a DW. I get tired of brides saying they're having a DW "to keep numbers down". Ugh.
  • I am confused as to why one would invite people in hopes they will not attend. Expecting 150 and inviting 215 makes no sense to me. 
  • perdonami said:
    I am confused as to why one would invite people in hopes they will not attend. Expecting 150 and inviting 215 makes no sense to me. 
    It took EVERYTHING I had in me to not ask her.  I realized that the only thing I could do at that point was give a hug and start folding the 200 programs she now needed.
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  • I have a friend who came close to having this happen.  Her mother insisted on inviting more people than the venue could hold on the assumption that people would decline.  The first several RSVPs were "Yes" and she started to get nervous they wouldn't be able to fit everyone.  They ended up being fine but it could have gone the other way.
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  • Oh no! That's not good at all. I don't understand why anyone would want to risk having more people than they can afford come - weddings are fucking expensive!


  • perdonami said:
    I am confused as to why one would invite people in hopes they will not attend. Expecting 150 and inviting 215 makes no sense to me. 
    A lot of times, these are "courtesy" invitations, people the parents wanted invited, or people they felt obligated to invite.

    I had a couple that I really couldn't stand but they lived about a 45 minute drive away from where we got married, my parents felt they should be invited, and they knew me and my family growing up.  So I invited them and hoped they wouldn't come.  Unfortunately they did.

    I agree, you shouldn't go crazy over inviting, however, I don't think it's absurd for someone to invite someone and hope they don't come.
  • @lovesclimbing there's a difference between inviting a person/couple and hoping s/he/they won't show up because you don't want that person/those people there and inviting a much larger number than you can actually accommodate and hoping a bunch will decline. The former is acceptable, provided that you can properly host those guests and there's no physical threat to anyone in attendance, but the latter is just irresponsible planning. 
  • @lovesclimbing there's a difference between inviting a person/couple and hoping s/he/they won't show up because you don't want that person/those people there and inviting a much larger number than you can actually accommodate and hoping a bunch will decline. The former is acceptable, provided that you can properly host those guests and there's no physical threat to anyone in attendance, but the latter is just irresponsible planning. 
    @fionahalliwell.  I agree.  And I think over inviting to the extent the OP's friend did with a much smaller venue is a bad idea.
  • I have 117 on my list right now including myself, my fiance and the 2 photographers. I have budgeted for 110 but have space for and can handle having everyone show up.
  • perdonami said:
    I am confused as to why one would invite people in hopes they will not attend. Expecting 150 and inviting 215 makes no sense to me. 
    Because sometimes you refuse to die on that particular hill with your parents, your FI's parents, or whomever.

    Ex.: We invited my brother's godparents; a couple who (used to be) good friends with my parents. I haven't seen them in a least a decade. They didn't attend my brother's wedding the year before my wedding. My mother INSISTED they be invited, and since my parents were paying, I gave in. I wouldn't say I actively hoped they wouldn't come, but I didn't really care either way if they did or didn't.

    That being said, we invited 152 people and our venue's max capacity was 350, so it's not like them coming put us over capacity or anywhere close to it. We ended up with 99 people RSVP'ing yes, and then five no-shows, so we had an actual attendance of about 65 percent.
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  • Fi's brother is making this exact mistake with their wedding planning.  They are inviting something like 230 or so, for a hall with a 200-person max.  They had told us that they were planning on about 150 initially (I'm not sure what their budget situation is, just that they initially wanted 150).  So they are hoping for a LOT of declines.

    The extra people apparently were distant relatives and long-lost friends of FPILs.  Fi and I are already preparing to put our collective foot down about this.  I think FBIL and FSIL just didn't want to die on that hill, but now they have space problems.
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  • We have 345 people on our guest list. Only 4 couples actually live in the town that the wedding is in. Everyone else will have a 1-10 hour drive. But over 150 people on the guest list are family (aunts, uncles, and 1st cousins only), so it's really tough to know how many will show up.

    We'll be able to host everyone with no issues, we have the money to do it, I'd just rather not spend it. I'd really be more comfortable with about 275 people in attendance. 

    8-10 couples on the list are elderly relatives that my dad is sure won't attend. We've also given "and guest" to several confirmed singles who never bring a guest to family events. It's just really difficult to know how the list will turn out!
    If all 345 show up it will just be "the more the merrier" and we'll just have to put off buying a house for another year or two!
  • In St Thomas we had a couple who invited about 150 people to their DW.  They figured about 40-60 would come.   120 RSVP'd yes.     It was a luxury hotel (read expensive).  They could not afford that amount of people with their original plans.   They ended up having a very scaled down dinner with a cash bar.

    It ended up a cluster.  Mostly because apparently they divulged some details about how awesome the wedding would be like a late night snack and open bar that they could not afford because too many people said yes.  

    In all the weddings I have seen (personally know or via work) , that couple by far was the most stressed.

    In the 10+ years I worked there that was the first and only cash bar wedding we ever worked.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • My boss is in hot water with her guest list last I knew; her venue room holds 180 and even with cutting out all significant others (and apparently spouses that she just doesn't like!), their guest list is at 220. I know a handful of us at work are declining due to the SO issue, and she told me that she had another guest decline because his fiance wasn't invited. She said she understood that some people will decline because of the choice they made to exclude everyone but (well-liked) spouses, but hopefully she's offended at least 40 people in order to fit into her venue room.
  • I was one of these brides. We invited 100 people but budgeted for 110 but that price really gave us sticker shock. Once the STD went out people who I thought wouldn't be able to make it, were telling my mom how excited they were to come. I got verbal yes responses from 100% of the guest list and I almost had a heart attack.

    When I mailed out the invites I was getting more and more nervous about getting these responses back. The people who originally said yes who I thought wouldn't be able to make it, declined due to the reasons I originally thought.

    Long story short is defiantly budget for the guests you invite, even though I did I wasn't thinking "Oh everyone is going to come" I was banking on people saying no and now when I look back I feel bad about it even though it was no harm no foul.
  • perdonami said:
    I am confused as to why one would invite people in hopes they will not attend. Expecting 150 and inviting 215 makes no sense to me. 
    Most likely many of those were "obligation" invites.
  • Oh, if only I could have gotten this through to my mom. Our budget was for only 70 people, then my parents gave us leeway to invite a few more, then backed down to the original 70. Somehow our total invited has stretched to 94. 

    My invitations are being mailed TODAY. There's a good 20 people who were "assumed" that they would never travel to our Friday wedding in another state, yet they were those courtesy invites. "What would they say about us if we didn't invite them?! I am not going to be the black sheep of the family!" But mom, they aren't going to come. They aren't really that close to us. "Well, they aren't close to YOU. They were close to ME 40 years ago, and I'm inviting them! And when they decline, I'll invite MY friends that I want there!" 

    *pulls hair out* 
    (there are so many no-nos in this post that I look like a troll. I swear this is my real life.)

    I'm praying for declines now, and I preach the concept of "planning for 100% attendance" to anyone who will listen. 59 days to go.....
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  • Ugh, yeah, my mom keeps saying we are going to get 20% decline, so we can invite more of her friends. In the ideal set up our venue can fit 200 w/dance floor and bars. We are at 216 invites and my mom wants more! As it is we'll have to put the bars in the foyer if we get 100% attendance, which we may get close to! We hit complete max at 4 more guests, and I'd to have breathing room. Luckily, I just sent invites out, so finally the battle is over.
  • I only wanted around 50 people to our DW in St. Thomas, but we did invite 75.  My XH wanted to invite over 200 because "people will RSVP no."  I refused to do that because there was no way in hell that we could afford 200 ppl.  

    And our venue could hold 75+ people, so that was never a concern of mine.  

    We could have afforded 75 for sure, but I wanted 50.  We had 45 and it was perfect. 


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  • @aurianna that's what I'm going through right now!  I've got that same spreadsheet started, trying to guess if each couple will show up or not. Unfortunately, some friends that we thought would be DEFINITE no-shows have booked their hotel rooms already. I'm going to panic with every RSVP that comes in the mail. And the sad part is, my parents set the budget, I'm the one trying to keep us within/under that budget, and my mom is the one making it difficult on herself! Eesh...
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  • perdonami said:

    I am confused as to why one would invite people in hopes they will not attend. Expecting 150 and inviting 215 makes no sense to me. 

    I think sometimes people over invite hoping for gifts from the nos.
  • Yea, we were at capacity (budget and venue-wise) until my aunt and cousins who previously told us they couldn't come changed their mind and said they could. So then we were at 6 people over capacity, and my FI stressed out about it until we had the 6 declines from others. Not a wise move, but it worked out in our case thankfully. Plus, it wasn't nearly as drastic as the amount of over-invites that OP's friend had. Yikes to that!

  • a13049 said:
    I am confused as to why one would invite people in hopes they will not attend. Expecting 150 and inviting 215 makes no sense to me. 
    I think sometimes people over invite hoping for gifts from the nos.
    I'm guessing a large percent of the time it's courtesy invites. It was in our case. Hubby has 12 blood aunts/uncles, plus their partners and 32 first cousins (almost all adults), plus their partners. He wanted some there very much but didn't want to hurt feelings by not inviting in circles.
    We knew it was likely only the ones he was close to would come; it was a calculated risk in an attempt to not offend the family, but still have the wedding reception my mom (and I) wanted to throw.

    Again, definitely not condoning over-inviting. But there's not always nefarious intent.
  • a13049 said:
    I am confused as to why one would invite people in hopes they will not attend. Expecting 150 and inviting 215 makes no sense to me. 
    I think sometimes people over invite hoping for gifts from the nos.
    I do get that B&Gs can be gift grabby, but I really hate that there are these blanket generalizations about having a wedding and expecting gifts.

    We literally tried to get our guest list down as much as possible, but we just couldn't get it down to 50 ppl.  It started at 300 and we got it down to 75 (that was just immediate family and friends....no extended family at all).  

    I didn't invite those extra people because I wanted gifts...I didn't want gifts at all.  I wanted to celebrate with my family and friends and my XH and I just happened to have a lot of very close friends and we couldn't get it down to less than that.

    I realize that you weren't talking to me specifically, but I think the guest list can be the hardest part of planning a wedding and it's not about gifts.
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  • We have the spreadsheet too. We're inviting more than we'd like (we hoped for 125 and are at 200). Our venue is best at around 175 but can hold up to 250. We can afford to host everyone properly though more people means cutting back on some of the extras that we would like to have. We have not yet sent invitations, just STDs, but it's scary hearing how many people actually plan to come. Every international guest seems to be coming (unexpected), random friends of my parents who didn't come to my sister's wedding are coming, and friends who never travel seem to plan to. We'll see what the actual RSVP numbers come in at but we're glad we budgeted accordingly.
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  • a13049 said:
    I am confused as to why one would invite people in hopes they will not attend. Expecting 150 and inviting 215 makes no sense to me. 
    I think sometimes people over invite hoping for gifts from the nos.
    I do get that B&Gs can be gift grabby, but I really hate that there are these blanket generalizations about having a wedding and expecting gifts.

    We literally tried to get our guest list down as much as possible, but we just couldn't get it down to 50 ppl.  It started at 300 and we got it down to 75 (that was just immediate family and friends....no extended family at all).  

    I didn't invite those extra people because I wanted gifts...I didn't want gifts at all.  I wanted to celebrate with my family and friends and my XH and I just happened to have a lot of very close friends and we couldn't get it down to less than that.

    I realize that you weren't talking to me specifically, but I think the guest list can be the hardest part of planning a wedding and it's not about gifts.
    Agreed.  I hate that this is the default assumption.  Guest lists are hard.  FMIL keeps trying to add to the guest list saying "But they won't come anyways" because she feels like she "has" to invite these people to her son's wedding.  We have to keep pushing back on this saying absolutely no way because we are at our venues capacity.  

    Fun story, several of the people who I thought in no way would be attending (because they live far and travel is expensive) just told us they are booking hotel rooms.  I can't imagine the hot water we'd be in if we assumed people would decline and over-invited.  We would literally have to change venues unless all of our single friends are all still single (or couples split) and that wiggle room in our guest list covered the "extra" people we invited.

    Oh and FWIW we have both sent people wedding gifts for weddings we weren't invited to and have received wedding gifts from people who are not invited to our wedding (friends of our parents).  I fully expect that many of our guests won't give us wedding gifts.  An invitation is not an invoice for a gift nor is it a permission slip to give a gift.  The two have nothing to do with each other.  
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  • NYCBruin said:




    a13049 said:

    perdonami said:

    I am confused as to why one would invite people in hopes they will not attend. Expecting 150 and inviting 215 makes no sense to me. 

    I think sometimes people over invite hoping for gifts from the nos.

    I do get that B&Gs can be gift grabby, but I really hate that there are these blanket generalizations about having a wedding and expecting gifts.

    We literally tried to get our guest list down as much as possible, but we just couldn't get it down to 50 ppl.  It started at 300 and we got it down to 75 (that was just immediate family and friends....no extended family at all).  

    I didn't invite those extra people because I wanted gifts...I didn't want gifts at all.  I wanted to celebrate with my family and friends and my XH and I just happened to have a lot of very close friends and we couldn't get it down to less than that.

    I realize that you weren't talking to me specifically, but I think the guest list can be the hardest part of planning a wedding and it's not about gifts.

    Agreed.  I hate that this is the default assumption.  Guest lists are hard.  FMIL keeps trying to add to the guest list saying "But they won't come anyways" because she feels like she "has" to invite these people to her son's wedding.  We have to keep pushing back on this saying absolutely no way because we are at our venues capacity.  

    Fun story, several of the people who I thought in no way would be attending (because they live far and travel is expensive) just told us they are booking hotel rooms.  I can't imagine the hot water we'd be in if we assumed people would decline and over-invited.  We would literally have to change venues unless all of our single friends are all still single (or couples split) and that wiggle room in our guest list covered the "extra" people we invited.

    Oh and FWIW we have both sent people wedding gifts for weddings we weren't invited to and have received wedding gifts from people who are not invited to our wedding (friends of our parents).  I fully expect that many of our guests won't give us wedding gifts.  An invitation is not an invoice for a gift nor is it a permission slip to give a gift.  The two have nothing to do with each other.  


    This is a reason, that SOMETIMES people invite people they don't really care/want at their wedding. This wasn't directed at anyone specific.

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