Various Questions...

Maggie0829 · April 2014

ckel24 said:

I have nothing to add except to say that I love your SN and got it immediately. Not sure why some people have an issue with it, even in context to your post...

@ckel24 - because there are some people who read way to much into things.

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

The dollar dance is only for people who feel like doing it. I know that's a stereotypical common thing to say but, yeah, I said it. Money and gifts are not important to me, they'e the last thing on my mind when I think about the wedding. No one has to pay for my company, I'm sure I will be dancing with everyone all night just like at any other family function where dancing is a part of the festivities. I personally think it's kind of rude to discount what other people feel is important to their heritage/traditions. The dollar tree is not so much a heritage thing, just something a few of them have done. That I will not be doing. I now know how to talk to her respectfully about it, and put my foot down if need be.

KatWAG · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said:

The dollar dance is only for people who feel like doing it. I know that's a stereotypical common thing to say but, yeah, I said it. Money and gifts are not important to me, they'e the last thing on my mind when I think about the wedding. No one has to pay for my company, I'm sure I will be dancing with everyone all night just like at any other family function where dancing is a part of the festivities. I personally think it's kind of rude to discount what other people feel is important to their heritage/traditions. The dollar tree is not so much a heritage thing, just something a few of them have done. That I will not be doing. I now know how to talk to her respectfully about it, and put my foot down if need be.

If you dont care about the money, why not do a well wishes dance? Its the same concept but removes the rude elements.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said:

A dollar dance is a cultural thing for them. I'm not going to argue that.

That's no excuse for being rude, not in my opinion. Dollar dances are a "cultural" thing for Italians too, and no one ever does them in my circle because we find them to be the tacky and inappropriate begging that they are.

Have you tried explaining to your FI and his mother that a lot of people in general find these traditions rude and awkward, and they don't care that they are wedding traditions, and that it's likely that ppl on your side won't participate at all?

As long as they are both OK with that and ensure they aren't going to be going around trying to guilt and cajole everyone into participating in the dollar dance, then have it. But I would be going around beforehand and apologizing to my family and friends.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

hyechica81 said:

In the armenian culture its the norm to have a money dance, if there was an armenian band they would play a song or the dj would play something armenian that you gave him, two people usualy the bride and groom would get in the middle and do a dance the guest would then throw money into the center of the dance floor.

we are not doing it a because my dads side of the family italians and lithuanians would not understand it. my mom side all Armenian would and my fi is irish and its just way to many cultures in the mix. plus i can be tacky asking for more money

Every culture seems to have a money dance- even the Italians.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

Being a "cultural norm" does not mean that it should just be accepted and not thought of as rude. Like PGL said, every culture has some form of the money dance but that doesn't mean that they should actually happen.

LondonLisa · April 2014

are 100% of your guests from that culture that practices a money dance? if not, you need to not have it. If a "dollar dance" is so important, change it to an "advise dance" where everyone has to write down a piece of wedding advice and pin it to you for a dance. Under no circumstances is asking for money ok.

Asking for money is rude whether it be a wishing well or dollar dance. You are not a charity and you do not need to beg for money.

Also, make sure you tell your DJ (and have it written into the contract) that under no circumstances is a Dollar Dance to happen. There have been many stories about a pushy MIL forcing the DJ to do it against the wishes of the couple. If he knows that he will get a penalty if this happens, he will make sure it doesnt (or shut it down real fast if it somehow does).

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

No, it doesn't have any cultural significance as far as I know on my side of the family. That doesn't mean the majority of them haven't done it at their wedding as well. I'm not going to complicate things by doing a "well wishes" dance or monopoly money, I think people would be confused as to why I did that... hmph. I'll be thinking about it more, but honestly, it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal.

crunchymamaof2 · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said:

No, it doesn't have any cultural significance as far as I know on my side of the family. That doesn't mean the majority of them haven't done it at their wedding as well. I'm not going to complicate things by doing a "well wishes" dance or monopoly money, I think people would be confused as to why I did that... hmph. I'll be thinking about it more, but honestly, it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal.

Of course it's not a big deal to you because you're not the one coughing up cash to dance with someone. It's the EXACT same thing as a money tree-!you're guilting your guests into giving you money. Of course they don't have to but many will feel pressured to and others will think about how rude you are. I'm sure there are plenty of other, polite, traditions from his family that you can use. Trust me, I highly doubt any guest will be devastated if you skip it. Some may be curious or a bit miffed but they'll get over it. Be the better person.

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

I don't see how it's "guilting" I understand people feel certain ways about different things and I can't control that, but if I personally saw a money dance happening and I didn't feel like paying to dance I just wouldn't. I'm sure no one would care either way.

I could sit here and lie and say "oh gosh you guys are right, ive seen the light" but no. I've seen it done, it's normal in our area. I just don't feel like it's that rude. I acknowledge that some people feel that way, but I don't. I'm sorry. I guess that's all I have to say.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

I still don't get how you can think a money tree is rude but a money dance isn't. They are the same exact thing. Your guests are being asked to pull out their wallets and give you money. You are right, they don't have to, but you will be surprised by how much pressure you are under to give money when others are doing it around you and are asking if you are going to participate. If you say no then you look like a cheap ass who doesn't give a shit about the couple.

Angusaur · April 2014

I don't really side eye dollar dances if it's heritage tradition. It's part of my heritage also, but I won't be having one. I did side eye my cousin who counted the money at the end of the reception all out in the open.

JellyBean52513 · April 2014

The fact that the OP keeps telling us how SHE doesn't think it's rude is the whole problem here. She doesn't seem to care if any guests in attendance will be uncomfortable; they can either get over it or not participate, but because SHE feels the way she does, she gives no fucks about imposing discomfort on her guests.

I have no idea how people with any shred of dignity would allow people to walk up to them on the dance floor, hand them a dollar bill (or a $5, $10, $20, whatever) in exchange for a minute or two of dancing. I mean really lol how embarrassing that you'd just take money from people in such a manner.... all you'd have to do next is take off your clothes while doing it and voila you're a legitimate stripper.

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

SHE doesn't think it's rude because SHE is pretty certain her guests won't be offended.

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

And imposing discomfort? FFS this is so blown out of proportion.

doeydo · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said:

SHE doesn't think it's rude because SHE is pretty certain her guests won't be offended.

Are you a mind reader?

But seriously, there are plenty of rude, shitty wedding 'traditions' and just general etiquette fails that happen in my area. I find them all rude, but I never say anything to the couple about it.

HaileyDancingbear · April 2014

Come on guys, the screen name is a movie quote. It's not to be taken literally. She doesn't actually want help because she's poor, just like I am not an actual dancing bear.

OP, both are rude IMO and you should put your foot down on not having things at your wedding that make you uncomfortable. MAYBE, although ideally you would bean dip the crap out of your FMIL about the money tree and just not have one at all, you could propose some sort of compromise? Maybe you have blank paper and pens so instead of asking for money people can leave a note.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said:

I don't see how it's "guilting" I understand people feel certain ways about different things and I can't control that, but if I personally saw a money dance happening and I didn't feel like paying to dance I just wouldn't. I'm sure no one would care either way.

I could sit here and lie and say "oh gosh you guys are right, ive seen the light" but no. I've seen it done, it's normal in our area. I just don't feel like it's that rude. I acknowledge that some people feel that way, but I don't. I'm sorry. I guess that's all I have to say.

But what if your FILs and their family run around and try to force people who aren't paying to dance to go up and dance with the couple? I have seen that happen. I got up as if I was going to the dance floor and went to the bathroom and then the bar. But a bunch of people at my table and others felt pressured into actually going up and giving money and dancing.

That's tacky. It's a wedding reception and guests shouldn't be pressured or guilted into doing anything, they shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable.

You can feel however you want to feel, but I hope that you acknowledge that there may be family and friends on both sides that will think the money dance and money tree are tacky and rude, despite it being a cultural thing, or the norm in your circle/area, and some may even go so far as to mention it when other ppl ask them how your wedding was.

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

HaileyDancingbear said:
Come on guys, the screen name is a movie quote. It's not to be taken literally. She doesn't actually want help because she's poor, just like I am not an actual dancing bear.

OP, both are rude IMO and you should put your foot down on not having things at your wedding that make you uncomfortable. MAYBE, although ideally you would bean dip the crap out of your FMIL about the money tree and just not have one at all, you could propose some sort of compromise? Maybe you have blank paper and pens so instead of asking for money people can leave a note.

I've been thinking that we could probably just do a few songs where we invite people to dance with us and make no mention of dollars . If they choose to because they're accustomed to, then they can.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said:

Come on guys, the screen name is a movie quote. It's not to be taken literally. She doesn't actually want help because she's poor, just like I am not an actual dancing bear.

OP, both are rude IMO and you should put your foot down on not having things at your wedding that make you uncomfortable. MAYBE, although ideally you would bean dip the crap out of your FMIL about the money tree and just not have one at all, you could propose some sort of compromise? Maybe you have blank paper and pens so instead of asking for money people can leave a note.
I've been thinking that we could probably just do a few songs where we invite people to dance with us and make no mention of dollars . If they choose to because they're accustomed to, then they can.

Perfect!

helpmeimpoor · April 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

helpmeimpoor said:

HaileyDancingbear said:
Come on guys, the screen name is a movie quote. It's not to be taken literally. She doesn't actually want help because she's poor, just like I am not an actual dancing bear.

OP, both are rude IMO and you should put your foot down on not having things at your wedding that make you uncomfortable. MAYBE, although ideally you would bean dip the crap out of your FMIL about the money tree and just not have one at all, you could propose some sort of compromise? Maybe you have blank paper and pens so instead of asking for money people can leave a note.
I've been thinking that we could probably just do a few songs where we invite people to dance with us and make no mention of dollars . If they choose to because they're accustomed to, then they can.

Perfect!

The thought of my FMIL going around screaming at people kind of put me over the edge.

VulgarGirl · April 2014

helpmeimpoor said:

Come on guys, the screen name is a movie quote. It's not to be taken literally. She doesn't actually want help because she's poor, just like I am not an actual dancing bear.

OP, both are rude IMO and you should put your foot down on not having things at your wedding that make you uncomfortable. MAYBE, although ideally you would bean dip the crap out of your FMIL about the money tree and just not have one at all, you could propose some sort of compromise? Maybe you have blank paper and pens so instead of asking for money people can leave a note.
I've been thinking that we could probably just do a few songs where we invite people to dance with us and make no mention of dollars . If they choose to because they're accustomed to, then they can.

That sounds like an excellent compromise.

HaileyDancingbear is not actually a dancing bear. I had high hopes.

grumbledore · April 2014

HaileyDancingbear said:

Come on guys, the screen name is a movie quote. It's not to be taken literally. She doesn't actually want help because she's poor, just like I am not an actual dancing bear.

Huh?

I just found it funny because there's a gif that gets posted all the time on threads about money-grubbing couples and why anyone who is actually part of a money-grubbing couple would choose that name is mystifying.

grumbledore · April 2014

And for the record, I am a wizard. And I grumble a lot.

ashleyep · April 2014

hyechica81 said:

In the armenian culture its the norm to have a money dance, if there was an armenian band they would play a song or the dj would play something armenian that you gave him, two people usualy the bride and groom would get in the middle and do a dance the guest would then throw money into the center of the dance floor.

we are not doing it a because my dads side of the family italians and lithuanians would not understand it. my mom side all Armenian would and my fi is irish and its just way to many cultures in the mix. plus i can be tacky asking for more money

Every culture seems to have a money dance- even the Italians.

Really? I've never seen one at an Italian wedding.

OP, your solution sounds good. Do a "well wish" dance. I can understand why you would cave for it if it's important to your FIs family. I would tell FMIL that you don't think it would go over well in your family, but try not to mention how rude and tacky it is. You don't want to hurt her feelings if it is something they see as tradition.

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