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asking punk friend to tone it down?

cambryncambryn member
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in Snarky Brides
So one of my best friends in the world is going to be a bridesmaid. She has tattoos and piercings, occasionally shaves her head or has a mohawk.

I don't want to overstep anything, but I'm hoping she can tone her look a bit down- as I have some stuffier family and inlaws who will be there.
I'm not sure how to pry and see what she's planning on doing with her hair for the wedding...

I'm a shy bride-to-be when it comes to asking for things to be how I want them. :P


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Re: asking punk friend to tone it down?

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    cambryncambryn member
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    It's more she sometimes has that look, sometimes doesn't.  She sometimes is not punky at all- so I wanted to see if she is planning on that for the wedding or not, and am hoping she'll choose to not have her mohawk spiked out.
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    QueerFemmeQueerFemme member
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    I hear you, but you need to let it go. Don't ask. And just assume that it could go either way. You can hope, but it's going to seem very bridezilla-ish to ask what she is planning to do with her own hair.

    image

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    http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/

    http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html

    http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/

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    cambryncambryn member
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    I thought as much. That's why I wanted to check here! :) Thank you for the advice!
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    doeydodoeydo member
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    I agree with PPs that there is nothing you can or should say to her.  The only time you might would be if the place you were getting married in had a specific dress code (ie. tattoos had to be covered up in that specific church or something).
    Examples of bridesmaids with tattoos and funky hair: 
    image
    Bridesmaids in a pink dress
    image
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    delujm0delujm0 member
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    You can't really ask her to tone it down...but if you feel like paying for everyone's hair to be done you can demand a specific hairstyle for the maids.  i'm not really a fan of the homogeneous look, but it would almost guarantee you no mohawk.

     

    keep in mind though that you would have to pay for EVERYONE to have their hair professionally done to pull this off...and if anyone really wants to just do their hair themselves you have to allow it.  So it could easily backfire.

     

    you knew what she looked like when you asked her...and if she only goes full-on punk occassionally it's probably safe to assume that she's not planning to do it on your wedding day.

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    theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas member
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    If you just want to be prepared, the furthest you could go would be to just ask her, say when you're shopping for dresses. "That color looks great on you; do you know what color you're planning on your hair being?" or if debating between two necklines, "maybe we can use your hair to decide; how would you like to have it styled for the wedding?" But be prepared to just let it go if she says "I'm dying my mohawk to coordinate with this hot pink dress, isn't that great?" 
    image
    image
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    cambryncambryn member
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    lolo883 said:
    If you just want to be prepared, the furthest you could go would be to just ask her, say when you're shopping for dresses. "That color looks great on you; do you know what color you're planning on your hair being?" or if debating between two necklines, "maybe we can use your hair to decide; how would you like to have it styled for the wedding?" But be prepared to just let it go if she says "I'm dying my mohawk to coordinate with this hot pink dress, isn't that great?" 
    That's a good idea! Thank you. Of course she'll be punky- but I'd rather know what's coming up. :) Thank you!
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    LDay2014LDay2014 member
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    cambryn said:

    lolo883 said:
    If you just want to be prepared, the furthest you could go would be to just ask her, say when you're shopping for dresses. "That color looks great on you; do you know what color you're planning on your hair being?" or if debating between two necklines, "maybe we can use your hair to decide; how would you like to have it styled for the wedding?" But be prepared to just let it go if she says "I'm dying my mohawk to coordinate with this hot pink dress, isn't that great?" 
    That's a good idea! Thank you. Of course she'll be punky- but I'd rather know what's coming up. :) Thank you!
    Just wanted to say...thank you for taking this constructively :).
    So many people get in a hissy fit when they're told what they want to do is rude.

    You seem to understand this and value your friend's creativity and individuality.  Well done!
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    cambryncambryn member
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    LDay2014 said:
    Just wanted to say...thank you for taking this constructively :).
    So many people get in a hissy fit when they're told what they want to do is rude.

    You seem to understand this and value your friend's creativity and individuality.  Well done!
    No problem! I love her and she's my best friend. :) I appreciate the threads on here. Helpful and rather nice! :D 
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    grumbledoregrumbledore member
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    cambryn said:
    So one of my best friends in the world is going to be a bridesmaid. She has tattoos and piercings, occasionally shaves her head or has a mohawk.

    I don't want to overstep anything, but I'm hoping she can tone her look a bit down- as I have some stuffier family and inlaws who will be there.
    I'm not sure how to pry and see what she's planning on doing with her hair for the wedding...

    I'm a shy bride-to-be when it comes to asking for things to be how I want them. :P


    Nah, just let her be herself.

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    PrincessOfHavocPrincessOfHavoc member
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    edited April 2014
    As one who tends to have various colored hair and non traditional style - I do recognize that for another person's wedding, I need to be a grown adult and dress in a fashion that is in line with their wedding. Plus, I don't want to explain to a friend's dear Great Aunt Sally why I have Smurf blue hair or that my earlobes are healthy and don't smell. So dyeing my hair brown for a few weeks isn't a big deal to me, and I've got hider plugs for my piercings for a reason.

    But, I do this without prompting or demands. If demanded, I would suck it up as I can't back out, but I would be reevaluating the friendship. I can't say I've minded being asked what I was planning on doing, but there wasn't any push back after so that may be part.
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    cambryncambryn member
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    I would never ever demand it of someone- that's simply rude and not respectful to my friend. :) We have an open enough friendship that I think It'll go fine figuring out what hair she sees herself having at that time, so we can have a dress and accessories that go with it- not clashing. I don't want her stuck in clashing colors.

    Thanks for all the advice, folks!
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    OnceUponSnowOnceUponSnow member
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    I disagree with everyone and state that there is a place and time for everything, and wearing a mohawk at someone else's wedding is inappropriate. I understand it is awkward to address this topic, but I would still have an open discussion with my friend about it. The idea is not to demand or accuse the other, but just discuss what kind of look and style you are going for on your wedding day, and make her know it's not about her covering up or changing her style completely, but just being more conservative/conventional that day. 
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    tcnobletcnoble member
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    MagicInk said:
    OnceUponSnow said:
    I disagree with everyone and state that there is a place and time for everything, and wearing a mohawk at someone else's wedding is inappropriate. I understand it is awkward to address this topic, but I would still have an open discussion with my friend about it. The idea is not to demand or accuse the other, but just discuss what kind of look and style you are going for on your wedding day, and make her know it's not about her covering up or changing her style completely, but just being more conservative/conventional that day. 
    What makes a mohawk inappropriate? What about a mullet, is a mullet ok? Which hairstyles are wedding approved and which are not? 

    Some people will never look conservative or conventional. That doesn't make them inappropriate. When you pick your bridal party, you're picking people you love for who they are, not because you need to jam them into a box of what is and is not an acceptable wedding look. If an unconventional bride decided all her bridesmaids should dye their hair bright blue for her wedding, because it goes with wedding vision, is that acceptable? No? Then the reverse is not appropriate either.
    Mullets are ALWAYS appropriate, obviously. But no mohawks.
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    hellohkbhellohkb mod
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    Totally agree with @MagicInk. Like the others said, you can't ask someone to tone down their personal look. My feelings would be deeply hurt if my friends asked me to dye my magenta hair, because I would feel as if she's trying change me and who I am. It may seem like just hair to some people, but frankly I would still feel embarrassed and hurt. I know OP said she wasn't going to say anything, but just wanted to add in my two cents. Because now to most of my friends I *am* that "kind of punky friend"

    About the mohawk comment, I don't understand how a hairstyle is offensive or inappropriate. I would want all of my guests to feel beautiful and feel like themselves- Whether they're wearing an updo, a mohawk or even, yes, a mullet. I'm not going to walk into a wedding with my fishnets and boots but I'm also not going to wear a pantsuit and pearls. Most people understand that and will follow that. Except if you already have a mohawk shaved, it's *kinda* hard to just get rid of it. Tattoos are also a little hard to just get rid of.


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    casey8784casey8784 member
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    Bridesmaids in a pink dress
    Is it me, or does it seem like the 3 other bridesmaids are biting their tongues/side-eyeing the bridesmaid with the funky hair in this pic? lol! :)
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    JennyColadaJennyColada member
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    doeydo said:
    I agree with PPs that there is nothing you can or should say to her.  The only time you might would be if the place you were getting married in had a specific dress code (ie. tattoos had to be covered up in that specific church or something).
    Examples of bridesmaids with tattoos and funky hair: 
    image
    Bridesmaids in a pink dress
    I don't really think that those are the best of examples, as neither of the groups look that great to me.

    That being said, I wish that my Fi was open to a more casual ceremony (I want him to wear a button up and roll up his shirt sleeves to show off his tattoos!). My tattoos will be showing (strapless dress: inner arm tattoo. hair up-do and behind-the-ear tattoo).

    I think shaved-head-girl looks SERIOUSLY out of place in the second picture, and I find her look seriously unattractive. But that being said, if she were my best friend and I wanted her in my WP then I wouldn't even give it a second thought. I don't feel like I need to find every aspect of my life (or wedding) to be "perfect" or "beautiful".
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    MollyandDMollyandD member
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    edited April 2014
    Most of my close friends dress in that way, and so the bridal party in my wedding will likely have very colorful hair. They haven't told me yet what they plan with their hair. I'll ask them later out of my own curiosity, but I knew who they were going in to this. It's not something I suddenly learned about them. Even my groom will have pink and black hair on the wedding day. As long as they show up dressed, happy, and sober, I'll be content.
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    kitty8403kitty8403 member
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    Two of my gals will have tats on display. Grandma will be happy that she doesn't see anything like that on *me.* Life will go on. 
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    kitty8403kitty8403 member
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    Molly&Domenic said:
    Most of my close friends dress in that way, and so the bridal party in my wedding will likely have very colorful hair. They haven't told me yet what they plan with their hair. I'll ask them later out of my own curiosity, but I knew who they were going in to this. It's not something I suddenly learned about them. Even my groom will have pink and black hair on the wedding day. As long as they show up dressed, happy, and sober, I'll be content.

    OP, are you doing a hair trial? 
    I agree with PPs who say you can't force the issue by demanding they tone things down to suit your more conservative guests. You knew what they were like when you did it. 
    If you're REALLY just curious, though, you could always book a salon day and invite them to come decide on their wedding hairstyles with you. Girls day out and problem solved.
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    kroedel87kroedel87 member
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    edited May 2014
    I was in the EXACT same situation!! Unlike everyone above me, though, I came right out and asked. She's my best friend, I can tease her and joke with her about her punky look. I got a bridesmaids dress that covered all her tats (her arms are bare so it wasn't too difficult), said I would kill her if she got a tattoo on her arms between now and the wedding, made her swear that her hair would be all one color, and in a normal shade. We're still arguing over her many ear piercings but since it's not in her face I don't mind too much. If you can't be honest with your best friend, who can you be honest with? She just laughs!
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    kitsunegari89kitsunegari89 member
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    edited May 2014
    Meh, she will probably have the good sense not to wear a mohawk at a wedding, but she might not. Either way, you asked her to be a bridesmaid and you know what she looks like (or sometimes looks like). Suck it up <3

    The only thing I expected of my bridesmaids was that they showed up sober in the correct clothing. That said, even the edgy, tattooed one toned down her look from R to PG13. In fact, she doesn't look edgy at all in the photos. I'd give her a break, since she's probably a normal person (you are friends with her, right?) and it's not like spiking her hair is part of the observance of her religion. Most people have pretty good common sense. If you're worried, have a "trial run" to figure out what she wants to do. If you're really really really good friends, you can ask her to tone it down if her heart is set on upsetting grandma, but that's the most awkward option.
    My colors are "blood of my enemies" and "rage".

    http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3h1kr8sYk1qzve89.gif
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