What do I do if guests bring kids to a kid-free wedding?

grumbledore · April 2014

Maggie0829 said: I wonder if people would be so open and accommodating when these uninvited guests are adults not children?

For me, it just really depends on the situation. Obviously we can't accommodate a bunch of uninvited guests, but if one guest brought some random friend or whoever with them and that person didn't cause a scene, I would just let it go, because it just isn't a big deal to me. That was my entire point on this thread - "Have your DOC ask them to leave" isn't a one size fits all solution. It wouldn't feel ok to a lot of people, myself included, even though the guest who brings the uninvited person (whether a kid or not) is the one being rude.

I'd be more forgiving of a guest who brings an uninvited child if they were never told directly that the child was not invited and just misunderstood the invitation than I would be of an adult bringing another uninvited adult. BUT I would likely not make a big deal about it and would just be mystified as to why they thought it was okay.

And of course, all of this is in my situation, in which we won't be charged anything extra or be over fire code for an extra person that shows up.

grumbledore · April 2014

Also, just to clarify again, I don't think it is rude in the slightest to have someone turned away who is not invited, I just wouldn't be comfortable doing it.

Jen4948 · April 2014

grumbledore said:

Also, just to clarify again, I don't think it is rude in the slightest to have someone turned away who is not invited, I just wouldn't be comfortable doing it.

That's certainly your choice, but you need to accept the decisions of those who do decide to have uninvited guests turned away. Even if it makes you personally uncomfortable, it's not your decision to make for anyone else.

crunchymamaof2 · April 2014

Jasfrey123 said:

It wasn't the "crazy bride" that put it on the invites. I had them on the inserts. My fiance did the wedding invitations himself.

It's still rude. The phrases "adult only" "kid free wedding" "21 and over" or anything to that effect shouldn't be placed anywhere on any piece of paper that goes with your invitation. Obviously it's too late to fix that now but hopefully lurkers will avoid this faux pas

MGP · April 2014

ladyamanuet said:

I was thinking, for those who aren't cool with having their DOC straight up tell them to leave, that having the DOC tell them:

"I'm sorry, but you are not able to take your seat until the all other guests are seated, as we do not have accommodations for your child/date. If, after everyone else is sat, it is clear that someone who RSVPed yes was unable to attend, your child/date can have that seat. Unfortunately, if all invited guests are in attendance, there is no where for us to accommodate your child/date, no food for him/her, and his/her presence does put the venue over contract capacity, so you will need to make offsite arrangements for him/her. You can then return to the reception and chow and party down! We apologize, but due to venue/contract policies, we can only accommodate invited guests"

Maybe I'm crazy, but this seems less "get the hell out"-ish, allows for the appearance of trying to accommodate the invited guest's rudeness (even if it is nothing more than the appearance), and does put the blame squarely on the guest for bringing an uninvited guest. But I would never bring an uninvited guest to a wedding, so I can't speak knowingly on what rude people themselves find rude.

I really like the way this is worded. It calls them out but still allows them an opportunity to not be humiliated and possibly accommodated (of course if the host was willing).

Because that's my biggest issue with this topic. When you accurately plan space and food for a certain number of people and uninvited guests show up it's not them that it affects. It's not like Guests 1 - 100 who show up to the venue were invited and Guests 101 - 110 were the uninvited ones and last to arrive to a full house. What happens is people like OP's guests in question fill the table with their Precious Uninvited Pumpkins and you have the actually invited people arrive 5 minutes later to find their seats and food are gone.

For the record - we had a crasher at our wedding who brought a date (it was a coworker of my husband's who was told in casual conversation the date and time of the wedding and assumed that was a verbal invite). I let it slide because we had the space and a few no shows so it wasn't a financial or capacity expense. Besides, I was too happy to even care and laughed it off. However, if I was in the same position as OP where people are blatantly planning to not honor my requests I would have no problem at all having them be asked to leave.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

NYCBruin said:

Maggie0829 said:

I wonder if people would be so open and accommodating when these uninvited guests are adults not children?

I wonder this, too.

Hypothetical question: a guest sent back an RSVP for her and her partner and their three roommates. I called her and apologized for the confusion, but she's insisting on bringing them. Would it be rude for me to turn the roommates away if they show up?

I would be more willing to turn an adult away then people who brought their uninvited children. The adults know better. The children aren't at fault because their parents are rude. I would have a hard time turning a child away, because I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings and making a child feel unwelcome anywhere is really beyond me. I might be upset with their parents but I wouldn't punish (because being turned away will feel like a punishment to the children) the kids because of the parents.

Jen4948 · April 2014

jdluvr06 said:

NYCBruin said:

Maggie0829 said:

I wonder if people would be so open and accommodating when these uninvited guests are adults not children?

I wonder this, too.

Hypothetical question: a guest sent back an RSVP for her and her partner and their three roommates. I called her and apologized for the confusion, but she's insisting on bringing them. Would it be rude for me to turn the roommates away if they show up?

I would be more willing to turn an adult away then people who brought their uninvited children. The adults know better. The children aren't at fault because their parents are rude. I would have a hard time turning a child away, because I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings and making a child feel unwelcome anywhere is really beyond me. I might be upset with their parents but I wouldn't punish (because being turned away will feel like a punishment to the children) the kids because of the parents.

Sorry, but the kids aren't being "punished" by being turned away. They are not entitled to be treated as guests if they were not invited in the first place. And I think it's a valuable lesson for kids to learn that they aren't always going to be welcome wherever they go, even if their parents bring them, when they weren't invited.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

jdluvr06 said:

NYCBruin said:

Maggie0829 said:

I wonder if people would be so open and accommodating when these uninvited guests are adults not children?

I wonder this, too.

Hypothetical question: a guest sent back an RSVP for her and her partner and their three roommates. I called her and apologized for the confusion, but she's insisting on bringing them. Would it be rude for me to turn the roommates away if they show up?

I would be more willing to turn an adult away then people who brought their uninvited children. The adults know better. The children aren't at fault because their parents are rude. I would have a hard time turning a child away, because I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings and making a child feel unwelcome anywhere is really beyond me. I might be upset with their parents but I wouldn't punish (because being turned away will feel like a punishment to the children) the kids because of the parents.

Sorry, but the kids aren't being "punished" by being turned away. They are not entitled to be treated as guests if they were not invited in the first place. And I think it's a valuable lesson for kids to learn that they aren't always going to be welcome wherever they go, even if their parents bring them, when they weren't invited.

I know the kids aren't actually being punished but they will feel that way. I wouldn't have the heart to do that to a child. I just wouldn't. I would feel like I was being cruel.

grumbledore · April 2014

Jen4948 said: grumbledore said: Also, just to clarify again, I don't think it is rude in the slightest to have someone turned away who is not invited, I just wouldn't be comfortable doing it. That's certainly your choice, but you need to accept the decisions of those who do decide to have uninvited guests turned away. Even if it makes you personally uncomfortable, it's not your decision to make for anyone else.
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For fuck's sake, I never said it was. A question was asked and I gave an answer based on how I would handle the situation. I am not rude, therefore I would never bring an uninvited guest to any function, nor would I expect any other host to allow this. I just think, as I said, "just kick them out" isn't a solution that will work for every single couple.

Jen4948 · April 2014

grumbledore said:

Jen4948 said:

grumbledore said:

Also, just to clarify again, I don't think it is rude in the slightest to have someone turned away who is not invited, I just wouldn't be comfortable doing it.

That's certainly your choice, but you need to accept the decisions of those who do decide to have uninvited guests turned away. Even if it makes you personally uncomfortable, it's not your decision to make for anyone else.

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For fuck's sake, I never said it was. A question was asked and I gave an answer based on how I would handle the situation. I am not rude, therefore I would never bring an uninvited guest to any function, nor would I expect any other host to allow this. I just think, as I said, "just kick them out" isn't a solution that will work for every single couple. Oh, for fuck's sake, yourself. No one is accusing you, grumbledore, of being rude, but sorry, but no one has the right to expect their kids to be accommodated, and they are the ones being rude by putting their hosts in the position of having to accept unwanted guests or turn them away, and the ones responsible for any discomfort the hosts feel, whatever decision they make about it.

"Just kick them out" is a solution that will work for every single couple who has the capacity to act like adults and enforce boundaries politely-if they choose to avail themselves of it. You have the right not to avail yourself of that choice; every other adult has the same right, but they also have the right to avail themselves of it, and we all have the responsibility not to accuse others of being "rude" if they choose to avail themselves of the choice to not admit uninvited guests-even kids.

Viczaesar · April 2014

grumbledore said:

Can we get real for a minute here? Are there really people here who will have their DOC ask a family member to leave their wedding reception because they have an uninvited child in tow?

I'm not defending the parents who do this here, but the only way I would feel comfortable asking someone to leave would be if they were being blatantly abusive somehow during the reception, and dragging around a 6 year old doesn't qualify imo.

The lasting damage of kicking a friend or family member out of one's wedding reception would definitely not be worth it to me, or (I assume) the vast majority of people.

I wouldn't, no.

NYCBruin · April 2014

jdluvr06 said:

NYCBruin said:

Maggie0829 said:

I wonder if people would be so open and accommodating when these uninvited guests are adults not children?

I wonder this, too.

Hypothetical question: a guest sent back an RSVP for her and her partner and their three roommates. I called her and apologized for the confusion, but she's insisting on bringing them. Would it be rude for me to turn the roommates away if they show up?

I would be more willing to turn an adult away then people who brought their uninvited children. The adults know better. The children aren't at fault because their parents are rude. I would have a hard time turning a child away, because I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings and making a child feel unwelcome anywhere is really beyond me. I might be upset with their parents but I wouldn't punish (because being turned away will feel like a punishment to the children) the kids because of the parents.

But in reality it's not like you're telling the child "you can't be here" you/DOC would be speaking to the child's parents. It's not your job to explain why the child didn't get to go to the wedding. The rude parents have to explain to their special snowflake children why they aren't going to the wedding.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

NYCBruin said:

jdluvr06 said:

NYCBruin said:

Maggie0829 said:

I wonder if people would be so open and accommodating when these uninvited guests are adults not children?

I wonder this, too.

Hypothetical question: a guest sent back an RSVP for her and her partner and their three roommates. I called her and apologized for the confusion, but she's insisting on bringing them. Would it be rude for me to turn the roommates away if they show up?

I would be more willing to turn an adult away then people who brought their uninvited children. The adults know better. The children aren't at fault because their parents are rude. I would have a hard time turning a child away, because I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings and making a child feel unwelcome anywhere is really beyond me. I might be upset with their parents but I wouldn't punish (because being turned away will feel like a punishment to the children) the kids because of the parents.

But in reality it's not like you're telling the child "you can't be here" you/DOC would be speaking to the child's parents. It's not your job to explain why the child didn't get to go to the wedding. The rude parents have to explain to their special snowflake children why they aren't going to the wedding.

But the DOC would be turning them away because of my instructions. Also the parents aren't going to tell their kids the real reason they are being turned away. It would end up being because auntie jdluvr is being mean. Plus it would be damaging to any relationship I have with the parents and the children. I know not everyone here is a kid person but I am. I take my nephews, and my cousins kids for random fun days all the time. Damaging any relationship because of something so insignificant isn't worth it IMO. Not everyone feels that way, and that is fine, but that is how I feel. If these people are important enough to me to be invited to my wedding (FI and I think it is weird to invite people you hardly know or sometimes friends, we invited family that we see more than once a year and friends that we talk to weekly) then you are imortant enough to me to be forgiven a little bit of rudeness.

NYCBruin · April 2014

jdluvr06 said:

NYCBruin said:

jdluvr06 said:

NYCBruin said:

Maggie0829 said:

I wonder if people would be so open and accommodating when these uninvited guests are adults not children?

I wonder this, too.

Hypothetical question: a guest sent back an RSVP for her and her partner and their three roommates. I called her and apologized for the confusion, but she's insisting on bringing them. Would it be rude for me to turn the roommates away if they show up?

I would be more willing to turn an adult away then people who brought their uninvited children. The adults know better. The children aren't at fault because their parents are rude. I would have a hard time turning a child away, because I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings and making a child feel unwelcome anywhere is really beyond me. I might be upset with their parents but I wouldn't punish (because being turned away will feel like a punishment to the children) the kids because of the parents.

But in reality it's not like you're telling the child "you can't be here" you/DOC would be speaking to the child's parents. It's not your job to explain why the child didn't get to go to the wedding. The rude parents have to explain to their special snowflake children why they aren't going to the wedding.

But the DOC would be turning them away because of my instructions. Also the parents aren't going to tell their kids the real reason they are being turned away. It would end up being because auntie jdluvr is being mean. Plus it would be damaging to any relationship I have with the parents and the children. I know not everyone here is a kid person but I am. I take my nephews, and my cousins kids for random fun days all the time. Damaging any relationship because of something so insignificant isn't worth it IMO. Not everyone feels that way, and that is fine, but that is how I feel. If these people are important enough to me to be invited to my wedding (FI and I think it is weird to invite people you hardly know or sometimes friends, we invited family that we see more than once a year and friends that we talk to weekly) then you are imortant enough to me to be forgiven a little bit of rudeness.

Yeah, see that's where we differ. If you're confused and RSVP with your little darling and I called you and politely explained that no, little Susie and Johnny are not invited and you bring them anyways, that's way more than a little rude.

If you RSVP with just yourselves and assume that your children were invited and brought them because you didn't know any better, you're still being rude, I'd still be annoyed (and wouldn't be able to accommodate them given my venue), but it's far more forgivable and if I were hosting a different kind of wedding then I probably would let it go.

NYCBruin · April 2014

Out of curiosity, is anyone on the side of this argument that is saying "I wouldn't ask them to leave" having a child free wedding?

Jen4948 · April 2014

jdluvr06 said:

NYCBruin said:

jdluvr06 said:

NYCBruin said:

Maggie0829 said:

I wonder if people would be so open and accommodating when these uninvited guests are adults not children?

I wonder this, too.

Hypothetical question: a guest sent back an RSVP for her and her partner and their three roommates. I called her and apologized for the confusion, but she's insisting on bringing them. Would it be rude for me to turn the roommates away if they show up?

I would be more willing to turn an adult away then people who brought their uninvited children. The adults know better. The children aren't at fault because their parents are rude. I would have a hard time turning a child away, because I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings and making a child feel unwelcome anywhere is really beyond me. I might be upset with their parents but I wouldn't punish (because being turned away will feel like a punishment to the children) the kids because of the parents.

But in reality it's not like you're telling the child "you can't be here" you/DOC would be speaking to the child's parents. It's not your job to explain why the child didn't get to go to the wedding. The rude parents have to explain to their special snowflake children why they aren't going to the wedding.

But the DOC would be turning them away because of my instructions. Also the parents aren't going to tell their kids the real reason they are being turned away. It would end up being because auntie jdluvr is being mean. Plus it would be damaging to any relationship I have with the parents and the children. I know not everyone here is a kid person but I am. I take my nephews, and my cousins kids for random fun days all the time. Damaging any relationship because of something so insignificant isn't worth it IMO. Not everyone feels that way, and that is fine, but that is how I feel. If these people are important enough to me to be invited to my wedding (FI and I think it is weird to invite people you hardly know or sometimes friends, we invited family that we see more than once a year and friends that we talk to weekly) then you are imortant enough to me to be forgiven a little bit of rudeness.

The people damaging the relationship are the ones who bring their kids uninvited.

You're certainly entitled to forgive them and allow the kids to stay. But to judge that others don't value their relationships with the people in question if they don't make the same choice is not okay.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

NYCBruin said:

Out of curiosity, is anyone on the side of this argument that is saying "I wouldn't ask them to leave" having a child free wedding?

This is a great question. I'm in the camp of, 'I would absolutely ask them to leave,' and we DID invite children to our wedding. I'm solidly pro-children at weddings, and I'd still have no problem turning away people who disregarded our wishes. (As in my example of DH telling his parents, 'If you attempt to crash the reception, you will be arrested for trespassing, do you understand me?')

jdluvr06 · April 2014

NYCBruin said:

Out of curiosity, is anyone on the side of this argument that is saying "I wouldn't ask them to leave" having a child free wedding?

Nope. Everyone's kids are invited to our wedding. I had actually never heard of child free weddings until I I started posting here.

dolewhipper · April 2014

NYCBruin said:

Out of curiosity, is anyone on the side of this argument that is saying "I wouldn't ask them to leave" having a child free wedding?

Depends on who it is and the age of the child. I'm having a child free wedding because if I invited children, there would be 35 children under 13 years old and there's no way I have the budget for that. (And that count is all family.) If it was my best friend's/BM's son who will be 9 months at the wedding, I would get peeved but not ask her to leave. If it was my cousin's 6 year old, 3 year old and 1 year old, or my sister's 13 year old and 10 year old I would tell them they would have to leave or go back to their hotel room because #1 I would not have a place for them at a table and #2 they would not have anything to eat. And I will not be the person to put my venue, my budget, or get side eyed by the other guests who are parents in that kind of situation.

ladyamanuet · April 2014

NYCBruin said:

Out of curiosity, is anyone on the side of this argument that is saying "I wouldn't ask them to leave" having a child free wedding?

Thank you for asking! Because it sure seems like almost everyone who is saying they wouldn't do it isn't having a child-free wedding anyway.

margaritaaa · April 2014

I'm curious as to why everyone here is always so adamant about inviting a guest's SO (whether they be live-in, engaged, casual, whatever) to their wedding, but refuse to allow a couple's kids from attending.

I mean, the argument is that you don't split someone up from their social unit - but kids are part of that social unit. I genuinely think it's rude to not invite someone's children just because you want a child-free wedding (aside from hosting in a venue that strictly does not allow children). That's like me saying I'm going to have a SO-free wedding by only addressing the invitation to one person to save on space/money.

I also find it hard to believe that SO many of you would be absolutely okay with kicking out a member of your family/friends because they brought their kid along, only to prove a point. A lot of the time it CAN be accommodated, especially since kids' meals are so cheap and they can probably share a chair with their parent if they absolutely had to.

I mean, a few kids aren't going to ruin your 'big day', and in order to avoid feelings getting hurt on either side, I would just bite the bullet and continue being happy on my wedding day.

margaritaaa · April 2014

shrekspeare said:

margaritaaa said:

I'm curious as to why everyone here is always so adamant about inviting a guest's SO (whether they be live-in, engaged, casual, whatever) to their wedding, but refuse to allow a couple's kids from attending.

I mean, the argument is that you don't split someone up from their social unit - but kids are part of that social unit. I genuinely think it's rude to not invite someone's children just because you want a child-free wedding (aside from hosting in a venue that strictly does not allow children). That's like me saying I'm going to have a SO-free wedding by only addressing the invitation to one person to save on space/money.

I also find it hard to believe that SO many of you would be absolutely okay with kicking out a member of your family/friends because they brought their kid along, only to prove a point. A lot of the time it CAN be accommodated, especially since kids' meals are so cheap and they can probably share a chair with their parent if they absolutely had to.

I mean, a few kids aren't going to ruin your 'big day', and in order to avoid feelings getting hurt on either side, I would just bite the bullet and continue being happy on my wedding day.

Incorrect. Someone's kid running around trampling through the expensive flowers in the garden-which I would have to replace, breaking anything-which I would have to replace, throwing a tantrum during the ceremony, or getting cake on my dress would, in fact, ruin my day. Absolutely. Shitty parents are a dime a dozen. I've seen it happen at weddings before and it's going happening at mine.

I could say the exact same thing about drunk people.

arrippa · April 2014

margaritaaa said:

I'm curious as to why everyone here is always so adamant about inviting a guest's SO (whether they be live-in, engaged, casual, whatever) to their wedding, but refuse to allow a couple's kids from attending.

I mean, the argument is that you don't split someone up from their social unit - but kids are part of that social unit. I genuinely think it's rude to not invite someone's children just because you want a child-free wedding (aside from hosting in a venue that strictly does not allow children). That's like me saying I'm going to have a SO-free wedding by only addressing the invitation to one person to save on space/money.

I also find it hard to believe that SO many of you would be absolutely okay with kicking out a member of your family/friends because they brought their kid along, only to prove a point. A lot of the time it CAN be accommodated, especially since kids' meals are so cheap and they can probably share a chair with their parent if they absolutely had to.

I mean, a few kids aren't going to ruin your 'big day', and in order to avoid feelings getting hurt on either side, I would just bite the bullet and continue being happy on my wedding day.

I don't believe kids are social unit with their parents so I wouldn't classify them as the same rule as inviting SO. I am honestly shocked at the outrage people have about not inviting kids. I grew up not being invited to weddings because I was a kid. It was something that I never thought about and even now, I couldn't care less about. I wish people would realize that kids just don't get to go everywhere. If the parents have issues with it, then they do not have to go to the wedding.

FTR, I am inviting some kids, so I will not be having a child free wedding. I just don't see the big deal about child free weddings.

kkern0315 · April 2014

I wouldn't kick out the kids or the parents, but I also would never invite the parents to anything again; as far as I'm concerned, their blatant disregard for my wishes would tarnish our relationship.

Jen4948 · April 2014

margaritaaa said:

I'm curious as to why everyone here is always so adamant about inviting a guest's SO (whether they be live-in, engaged, casual, whatever) to their wedding, but refuse to allow a couple's kids from attending.

I mean, the argument is that you don't split someone up from their social unit - but kids are part of that social unit. I genuinely think it's rude to not invite someone's children just because you want a child-free wedding (aside from hosting in a venue that strictly does not allow children). That's like me saying I'm going to have a SO-free wedding by only addressing the invitation to one person to save on space/money.

I also find it hard to believe that SO many of you would be absolutely okay with kicking out a member of your family/friends because they brought their kid along, only to prove a point. A lot of the time it CAN be accommodated, especially since kids' meals are so cheap and they can probably share a chair with their parent if they absolutely had to.

I mean, a few kids aren't going to ruin your 'big day', and in order to avoid feelings getting hurt on either side, I would just bite the bullet and continue being happy on my wedding day.

How the fuck do you get to decide what "ruins someone's 'big day'" ? Answer: you don't. If someone thinks kids ruin their wedding, that's their prerogative, not yours.

wrigleyville · April 2014

NYCBruin said:

jdluvr06 said:

NYCBruin said:

Maggie0829 said:

I wonder if people would be so open and accommodating when these uninvited guests are adults not children?

I wonder this, too.

Hypothetical question: a guest sent back an RSVP for her and her partner and their three roommates. I called her and apologized for the confusion, but she's insisting on bringing them. Would it be rude for me to turn the roommates away if they show up?

I would be more willing to turn an adult away then people who brought their uninvited children. The adults know better. The children aren't at fault because their parents are rude. I would have a hard time turning a child away, because I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings and making a child feel unwelcome anywhere is really beyond me. I might be upset with their parents but I wouldn't punish (because being turned away will feel like a punishment to the children) the kids because of the parents.

But in reality it's not like you're telling the child "you can't be here" you/DOC would be speaking to the child's parents. It's not your job to explain why the child didn't get to go to the wedding. The rude parents have to explain to their special snowflake children why they aren't going to the wedding.

Bingo. Now they get to be good parents and explain that the world isn't fair and you don't always get to do everything just because everyone else does.

biggrouch · April 2014

NYCBruin · April 2014

margaritaaa said:

I'm curious as to why everyone here is always so adamant about inviting a guest's SO (whether they be live-in, engaged, casual, whatever) to their wedding, but refuse to allow a couple's kids from attending.

I mean, the argument is that you don't split someone up from their social unit - but kids are part of that social unit. I genuinely think it's rude to not invite someone's children just because you want a child-free wedding (aside from hosting in a venue that strictly does not allow children). That's like me saying I'm going to have a SO-free wedding by only addressing the invitation to one person to save on space/money.

I also find it hard to believe that SO many of you would be absolutely okay with kicking out a member of your family/friends because they brought their kid along, only to prove a point. A lot of the time it CAN be accommodated, especially since kids' meals are so cheap and they can probably share a chair with their parent if they absolutely had to.

I mean, a few kids aren't going to ruin your 'big day', and in order to avoid feelings getting hurt on either side, I would just bite the bullet and continue being happy on my wedding day.

1. No, children are not part of a social unit. There are lots of places children aren't welcome or invited. Just because your experience has been that weddings are events for family members of all ages does not mean that's universally the case.

2. Kids cannot be accommodated easily. Children's meals are often only available if you order them in advance, which if the kids weren't invited, they wouldn't have been. So any food that the venue MAY be able to provide is likely what the adults are eating.

3. Not sure what your wedding is/will be like, but many places don't have extra chairs lying around. Not to mention that having an extra person completely messes up any seating chart.

4. Just because extra people wouldn't be a big deal at YOUR wedding, doesn't mean it wouldn't be a big deal at others. Organizational issues, scrambling for extra food/chairs and un-budgeted for expenses. You don't get to decide whether an extra meal (kids' sized or not) is going to break a budget. FWIW, our venue gives a tiny discount for children in that it knocks off about 1/4 of the price since they can't drink alcohol. So yes, extra children could break the bank.

5. I'm all for selective inviting of children (because I view children as people like other guests, invite the ones your close to and not others, etc), but for some people they may have told other friends or family members that you're having a no-kid wedding when they inquired about bringing their children and now your polite friends and family who respected your wishes and didn't bring kids may be pissed off because they think you lied to them about the no-kids thing.

6. No, a child wouldn't ruin our wedding, but that's not the point. Just because something doesn't ruin your day doesn't mean you have to allow it or be ok with it.

7. Anyone who purposefully and deliberately disregarded my repeated requests is not someone I have time for. As far as avoiding hurt feelings, we'd be way past that point by the time me/DOC asked your to take your uninvited child elsewhere because the fact that you showed up with your uninvited child when asked not to is incredibly disrespectful.

grumbledore · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

grumbledore said:

Jen4948 said:

grumbledore said:

Also, just to clarify again, I don't think it is rude in the slightest to have someone turned away who is not invited, I just wouldn't be comfortable doing it.

That's certainly your choice, but you need to accept the decisions of those who do decide to have uninvited guests turned away. Even if it makes you personally uncomfortable, it's not your decision to make for anyone else.

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For fuck's sake, I never said it was. A question was asked and I gave an answer based on how I would handle the situation. I am not rude, therefore I would never bring an uninvited guest to any function, nor would I expect any other host to allow this. I just think, as I said, "just kick them out" isn't a solution that will work for every single couple.

Oh, for fuck's sake, yourself. No one is accusing you, grumbledore, of being rude, but sorry, but no one has the right to expect their kids to be accommodated, and they are the ones being rude by putting their hosts in the position of having to accept unwanted guests or turn them away, and the ones responsible for any discomfort the hosts feel, whatever decision they make about it.

"Just kick them out" is a solution that will work for every single couple who has the capacity to act like adults and enforce boundaries politely-if they choose to avail themselves of it. You have the right not to avail yourself of that choice; every other adult has the same right, but they also have the right to avail themselves of it, and we all have the responsibility not to accuse others of being "rude" if they choose to avail themselves of the choice to not admit uninvited guests-even kids.

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Stupid boxes aren't working, as usual.

Clearly you are just arguing for the sake of arguing. I didn't tell anyone they should do this, I just said it's what I would do and that I suspect there are many others who might feel similarly.

Jen4948 · April 2014

grumbledore said:

Jen4948 said:

grumbledore said:

Jen4948 said:

grumbledore said:

Also, just to clarify again, I don't think it is rude in the slightest to have someone turned away who is not invited, I just wouldn't be comfortable doing it.

That's certainly your choice, but you need to accept the decisions of those who do decide to have uninvited guests turned away. Even if it makes you personally uncomfortable, it's not your decision to make for anyone else.

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For fuck's sake, I never said it was. A question was asked and I gave an answer based on how I would handle the situation. I am not rude, therefore I would never bring an uninvited guest to any function, nor would I expect any other host to allow this. I just think, as I said, "just kick them out" isn't a solution that will work for every single couple.

Oh, for fuck's sake, yourself. No one is accusing you, grumbledore, of being rude, but sorry, but no one has the right to expect their kids to be accommodated, and they are the ones being rude by putting their hosts in the position of having to accept unwanted guests or turn them away, and the ones responsible for any discomfort the hosts feel, whatever decision they make about it.

"Just kick them out" is a solution that will work for every single couple who has the capacity to act like adults and enforce boundaries politely-if they choose to avail themselves of it. You have the right not to avail yourself of that choice; every other adult has the same right, but they also have the right to avail themselves of it, and we all have the responsibility not to accuse others of being "rude" if they choose to avail themselves of the choice to not admit uninvited guests-even kids.

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Stupid boxes aren't working, as usual.

Clearly you are just arguing for the sake of arguing. I didn't tell anyone they should do this, I just said it's what I would do and that I suspect there are many others who might feel similarly. No, actually I'm not arguing just for the sake of arguing. Your suggestion that "just kick them out" is a solution that doesn't work for everyone just doesn't hold water, because the only reason it might not work for someone is that that someone doesn't choose to enforce the boundaries they set when they originally decided on a no-kids policy in the first place, or that the kids in question weren't invited.

That you would rather just let the kids stay is your CHOICE. But the choice is also there to turn the uninvited guests, kids or adults, away. And sometimes it's not a choice but a necessity.

What do I do if guests bring kids to a kid-free wedding?

Re: What do I do if guests bring kids to a kid-free wedding?

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