Wedding Party

Maybe I am wrong but...

Isn't the purpose of having bridesmaids typically used for a wedding ceremony?  My sister is having a destination wedding with just me as her MOH and then having 6 of her friends be bridesmaids at a separate reception in July.  I am so confused as to why they are even needed.  They will not witness any wedding or ceremony as the July reception is just a party.  These girls were asked formally to be bridesmaids with shirts made my the bride but were not invited to the actual wedding.  My question is is this normal?  If it is normal who the hell would purchase a bridesmaid dress, get their hair and make-up done, attend a shower and only help during the opening of the gifts, and barely help with a bachelorette party? 
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Re: Maybe I am wrong but...

  • CMGragain said:
    A party to celebrate a recent marriage does not have a bride, and therefore there can be no bridesmaids, including yourself, at the party.  This is rude.  No one should be invited to a bridal shower who is not also invited to the wedding.  Your sister is confusing a wedding reception with a party to celebrate her marriage.  They are not the same thing.  I'll bet she is planning on wearing her wedding dress, too.
    I am in her actual wedding and will be attending the july reception.  All of these other girls attended her bridal shower, plus many others, who were not even invited to the actual wedding.  It blows my mind how no one even noticed or cared that the actual wedding is not in July (which everyone that attended the shower is invited to).  And yes, she is wearing her big ball gown dress just so they can take pictures with her friends and others who were not invited to the actual wedding! I am wearing my bridesmaid dress as I am in her wedding next month and I did not feel like buying a new dress for a four hour party.  These girls bought the longer version of my dress in the same color!!!   I am so frustrated and upset because these girls actually think they are bridesmaids!  No joke, my sister bought them all shirts that say bridesmaid on it and we will be wearing it to her bachelorette party next weekend!
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  • This is not normal.

    It's actually a huge slap in the face to invite these poor girls to be bridesmaids and to not even invite them to the wedding.  The fact that she expects them not only to attend to but help with pre-wedding parties is astounding.

    If my sister tried to pull some shit like this, I would shake her before I read her the riot act.  I don't know the dynamics of your sister relationship, but if you are in a position to step in, you could save her some friendships.  
    My sister values her friends more than me.  She told me to include them in all wedding events and that they would love to help.  When I tried to get in contact with them to help, no one responded...i hosted her shower with my mother and so my mother could talk to others I ran around doing the games and facilitating EVERYTHING!.  Her bachelorette is next weekend and it was like pulling teeth to get them to respond so I had to get my sister involved. 

    I don't care about saving her friendships as these girls seem to be excited about being 'bridesmaids' so i'll just let them be.  
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  • PDKH said:
    Isn't the purpose of having bridesmaids typically used for a wedding ceremony?  My sister is having a destination wedding with just me as her MOH and then having 6 of her friends be bridesmaids at a separate reception in July.  I am so confused as to why they are even needed.  They will not witness any wedding or ceremony as the July reception is just a party.  These girls were asked formally to be bridesmaids with shirts made my the bride but were not invited to the actual wedding.  My question is is this normal?  If it is normal who the hell would purchase a bridesmaid dress, get their hair and make-up done, attend a shower and only help during the opening of the gifts, and barely help with a bachelorette party? 
    That's dumb. She will no longer be a bride and July and therefore doesn't need bridesmaids. There's no way I'd buy a dress just to wander around during a post-wedding party. The fact that they aren't even invited to the actual wedding is rude as all get out, IMHO. 

    I hope these girls decline. I'm sorry, but your sister is being ridiculous. 
    They have excitedly accepted to be a bridesmaid.  They have even told me they are wearing their bridesmaid shirts at her bachelorette next weekend.  At the shower they were all excited about 'sending her down the aisle' and watching her get married.  If watching the playback video at the july reception of me sending her down the aisle and standing next to her as she gets married enough for them to be excited I guess I don't understand what an "honor" that is.
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  • So, this is sounding like you want it to be about you, not your sister.  If the bridesmaids are happy to go along with this plan, then MYOB.  I am happy when people include me in a joyous celebration in whatever capacity they see fit.  I have gladly been invited to showers when I know there would be no wedding invitation and that is OK with me because weddings are expensive.  If the bride wants to include her friends this way, then she should be happy.  I have no idea why some of you just love your "rules".  There is enough grief and tragedy in life without hunting it up.  Go with the flow and have fun.
  • So, this is sounding like you want it to be about you, not your sister.  If the bridesmaids are happy to go along with this plan, then MYOB.  I am happy when people include me in a joyous celebration in whatever capacity they see fit.  I have gladly been invited to showers when I know there would be no wedding invitation and that is OK with me because weddings are expensive.  If the bride wants to include her friends this way, then she should be happy.  I have no idea why some of you just love your "rules".  There is enough grief and tragedy in life without hunting it up.  Go with the flow and have fun.
    It is not about me.  The issue I have is that I have been doing everything on my own and they don't want to do anything but be called bridesmaids.  I am not ok with that. 
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  • Your sister is very wrong to do this. I will also echo that she will no longer be a bride, therefore should NOT have BM's. ESPECIALLY if they weren't even invited to the actual wedding. She should not have even had them at the wedding parties neither.

    I smell nothing buck tackiness with a hint of AW-ness. I am sorry that your sister is being very rude and inconsiderate, OP. Send her over here. We ladies can help her out with that one!

    *Also to add, OP, you are NOT responsible for wedding related stuff. Whether it be paying for stuff, planning stuff, etc. She already had her wedding. Let her know this!
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  • So, this is sounding like you want it to be about you, not your sister.  If the bridesmaids are happy to go along with this plan, then MYOB.  I am happy when people include me in a joyous celebration in whatever capacity they see fit.  I have gladly been invited to showers when I know there would be no wedding invitation and that is OK with me because weddings are expensive.  If the bride wants to include her friends this way, then she should be happy.  I have no idea why some of you just love your "rules".  There is enough grief and tragedy in life without hunting it up.  Go with the flow and have fun.
    You are ok with being treated as a gift machine, so it means that everyone should just grin and take it?  

    Some people actually care about being nice to friends and family.  It's not about rules.  It's about basic manners.  You may be fine with being treated like dirt, but that doesn't mean everyone should be.
  • So, this is sounding like you want it to be about you, not your sister.  If the bridesmaids are happy to go along with this plan, then MYOB.  I am happy when people include me in a joyous celebration in whatever capacity they see fit.  I have gladly been invited to showers when I know there would be no wedding invitation and that is OK with me because weddings are expensive.  If the bride wants to include her friends this way, then she should be happy.  I have no idea why some of you just love your "rules".  There is enough grief and tragedy in life without hunting it up.  Go with the flow and have fun.
    Eye roll. 

    I still think her sister is taking advantage of her friends, whether they realize it or not. 

    And "weddings are expensive" is the STUPIDEST excuse to be rude - either scale back expectations or learn to live with the consequences of your decisions.
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  • So, this is sounding like you want it to be about you, not your sister.  If the bridesmaids are happy to go along with this plan, then MYOB.  I am happy when people include me in a joyous celebration in whatever capacity they see fit.  I have gladly been invited to showers when I know there would be no wedding invitation and that is OK with me because weddings are expensive.  If the bride wants to include her friends this way, then she should be happy.  I have no idea why some of you just love your "rules".  There is enough grief and tragedy in life without hunting it up.  Go with the flow and have fun.
    It is not about me.  The issue I have is that I have been doing everything on my own and they don't want to do anything but be called bridesmaids.  I am not ok with that. 
    I am not saying I agree with the above post, because for your sister have bridesmaids at her July celebration after she is already married is silly.

    But the bolded.  They don't have to do anything besides just buy the dress and show up.  That is all that is required of a bridesmaid, even if they are pretend bridesmaids for a AHR.

    Also, sorry to say, but people are stupid and are easily pulled into the wedding industry way of thinking.  They probably do think of themselves as bridesmaids because that is what your sister asked them to be.  They probably don't realize that what she is actually doing is quite rude because they are all so easily swayed by what they see on television and in movies.

  • Maggie0829  You are right they do not have to do anything.  I am just upset that I'm doing it all alone to make her pre-wedding parties special.  
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  • Emmy1493 said:
    Your sister is very wrong to do this. I will also echo that she will no longer be a bride, therefore should NOT have BM's. ESPECIALLY if they weren't even invited to the actual wedding. She should not have even had them at the wedding parties neither.

    I smell nothing buck tackiness with a hint of AW-ness. I am sorry that your sister is being very rude and inconsiderate, OP. Send her over here. We ladies can help her out with that one!

    *Also to add, OP, you are NOT responsible for wedding related stuff. Whether it be paying for stuff, planning stuff, etc. She already had her wedding. Let her know this!
    I have never been in a wedding before my sisters.  My own wedding is next year and I just was originally mistaken with what I needed to pay for.  At this point i've already spent some money on her bachelorette party because I thought it was the right thing to do.  I am immediately regretting it because no one wants to help.  When I started this entire process I was told it was my responsibility to pay and plan for all her pre-wedding events with the other girls.  My confusion is if I was willing to host her bachelorette party shouldn't I be responsible for paying for things like invites, favors, decorations, some of the drinks or snacks?  But then also shouldn't the other bridesmaids be responsible for paying their own way and not necessarily the party-related stuff (ie: dinner, cover charges, drinks at bars)?
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  • Emmy1493 said:
    Your sister is very wrong to do this. I will also echo that she will no longer be a bride, therefore should NOT have BM's. ESPECIALLY if they weren't even invited to the actual wedding. She should not have even had them at the wedding parties neither.

    I smell nothing buck tackiness with a hint of AW-ness. I am sorry that your sister is being very rude and inconsiderate, OP. Send her over here. We ladies can help her out with that one!

    *Also to add, OP, you are NOT responsible for wedding related stuff. Whether it be paying for stuff, planning stuff, etc. She already had her wedding. Let her know this!
    I have never been in a wedding before my sisters.  My own wedding is next year and I just was originally mistaken with what I needed to pay for.  At this point i've already spent some money on her bachelorette party because I thought it was the right thing to do.  I am immediately regretting it because no one wants to help.  When I started this entire process I was told it was my responsibility to pay and plan for all her pre-wedding events with the other girls.  My confusion is if I was willing to host her bachelorette party shouldn't I be responsible for paying for things like invites, favors, decorations, some of the drinks or snacks?  But then also shouldn't the other bridesmaids be responsible for paying their own way and not necessarily the party-related stuff (ie: dinner, cover charges, drinks at bars)?
    Bach parties do not need favors so you can nix that cost.  The only drinks you have to pay for are your own and maybe one or two for your sister.  Everything else (food, drinks, limo, etc) is all pay your own way, which means whoever is invited pays for their own food, drinks, etc.

    I understand that you are upset that no one is helping but you need to accept that and maybe re-evaluate your plans.  If you financially cannot afford these things then don't throw any parties. They are not a requirement but rather an option.  Do not let yourself go into debt or spend more then you can just because you were told to.  Because what they told you was wrong.

  • Emmy1493 said:
    Your sister is very wrong to do this. I will also echo that she will no longer be a bride, therefore should NOT have BM's. ESPECIALLY if they weren't even invited to the actual wedding. She should not have even had them at the wedding parties neither.

    I smell nothing buck tackiness with a hint of AW-ness. I am sorry that your sister is being very rude and inconsiderate, OP. Send her over here. We ladies can help her out with that one!

    *Also to add, OP, you are NOT responsible for wedding related stuff. Whether it be paying for stuff, planning stuff, etc. She already had her wedding. Let her know this!
    I have never been in a wedding before my sisters.  My own wedding is next year and I just was originally mistaken with what I needed to pay for.  At this point i've already spent some money on her bachelorette party because I thought it was the right thing to do.  I am immediately regretting it because no one wants to help.  When I started this entire process I was told it was my responsibility to pay and plan for all her pre-wedding events with the other girls.  My confusion is if I was willing to host her bachelorette party shouldn't I be responsible for paying for things like invites, favors, decorations, some of the drinks or snacks?  But then also shouldn't the other bridesmaids be responsible for paying their own way and not necessarily the party-related stuff (ie: dinner, cover charges, drinks at bars)?
    Bach parties do not need favors so you can nix that cost.  The only drinks you have to pay for are your own and maybe one or two for your sister.  Everything else (food, drinks, limo, etc) is all pay your own way, which means whoever is invited pays for their own food, drinks, etc.

    I understand that you are upset that no one is helping but you need to accept that and maybe re-evaluate your plans.  If you financially cannot afford these things then don't throw any parties. They are not a requirement but rather an option.  Do not let yourself go into debt or spend more then you can just because you were told to.  Because what they told you was wrong.
    I can afford those things which is why I included the favors and a few gifts for her (lingerie, bathrobe).  Im not worried about spending the money as I have it.  I really just want the other bridesmaids to keep their word and help out.  Even if it is just setting up or offering to drive.
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  • Emmy1493 said:
    Your sister is very wrong to do this. I will also echo that she will no longer be a bride, therefore should NOT have BM's. ESPECIALLY if they weren't even invited to the actual wedding. She should not have even had them at the wedding parties neither.

    I smell nothing buck tackiness with a hint of AW-ness. I am sorry that your sister is being very rude and inconsiderate, OP. Send her over here. We ladies can help her out with that one!

    *Also to add, OP, you are NOT responsible for wedding related stuff. Whether it be paying for stuff, planning stuff, etc. She already had her wedding. Let her know this!
    I have never been in a wedding before my sisters.  My own wedding is next year and I just was originally mistaken with what I needed to pay for.  At this point i've already spent some money on her bachelorette party because I thought it was the right thing to do.  I am immediately regretting it because no one wants to help.  When I started this entire process I was told it was my responsibility to pay and plan for all her pre-wedding events with the other girls.  My confusion is if I was willing to host her bachelorette party shouldn't I be responsible for paying for things like invites, favors, decorations, some of the drinks or snacks?  But then also shouldn't the other bridesmaids be responsible for paying their own way and not necessarily the party-related stuff (ie: dinner, cover charges, drinks at bars)?
    Bach parties do not need favors so you can nix that cost.  The only drinks you have to pay for are your own and maybe one or two for your sister.  Everything else (food, drinks, limo, etc) is all pay your own way, which means whoever is invited pays for their own food, drinks, etc.

    I understand that you are upset that no one is helping but you need to accept that and maybe re-evaluate your plans.  If you financially cannot afford these things then don't throw any parties. They are not a requirement but rather an option.  Do not let yourself go into debt or spend more then you can just because you were told to.  Because what they told you was wrong.
    I can afford those things which is why I included the favors and a few gifts for her (lingerie, bathrobe).  Im not worried about spending the money as I have it.  I really just want the other bridesmaids to keep their word and help out.  Even if it is just setting up or offering to drive.
    What you want and what is actually is happening are not the same.  You have to let the fact that they aren't helping go.  There is nothing you can do.  They either will or they won't help.  Just plan things how you want them to be for your sister and stop worrying about the other girls.

  • Isn't the purpose of having bridesmaids typically used for a wedding ceremony?  My sister is having a destination wedding with just me as her MOH and then having 6 of her friends be bridesmaids at a separate reception in July.  I am so confused as to why they are even needed.  They will not witness any wedding or ceremony as the July reception is just a party.  These girls were asked formally to be bridesmaids with shirts made my the bride but were not invited to the actual wedding.  My question is is this normal?  If it is normal who the hell would purchase a bridesmaid dress, get their hair and make-up done, attend a shower and only help during the opening of the gifts, and barely help with a bachelorette party? 
    It's not normal.  It's bizarre and downright rude.  If she wants these girls to be her "bridesmaids" then they need to be invited to the actual wedding.  Your sister can't have it both ways.
  • Emmy1493Emmy1493 member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary First Comment Name Dropper
    edited April 2014
    Emmy1493 said:
    Your sister is very wrong to do this. I will also echo that she will no longer be a bride, therefore should NOT have BM's. ESPECIALLY if they weren't even invited to the actual wedding. She should not have even had them at the wedding parties neither.

    I smell nothing buck tackiness with a hint of AW-ness. I am sorry that your sister is being very rude and inconsiderate, OP. Send her over here. We ladies can help her out with that one!

    *Also to add, OP, you are NOT responsible for wedding related stuff. Whether it be paying for stuff, planning stuff, etc. She already had her wedding. Let her know this!
    I have never been in a wedding before my sisters.  My own wedding is next year and I just was originally mistaken with what I needed to pay for.  At this point i've already spent some money on her bachelorette party because I thought it was the right thing to do.  I am immediately regretting it because no one wants to help.  When I started this entire process I was told it was my responsibility to pay and plan for all her pre-wedding events with the other girls.  My confusion is if I was willing to host her bachelorette party shouldn't I be responsible for paying for things like invites, favors, decorations, some of the drinks or snacks?  But then also shouldn't the other bridesmaids be responsible for paying their own way and not necessarily the party-related stuff (ie: dinner, cover charges, drinks at bars)?
    Bach parties do not need favors so you can nix that cost.  The only drinks you have to pay for are your own and maybe one or two for your sister.  Everything else (food, drinks, limo, etc) is all pay your own way, which means whoever is invited pays for their own food, drinks, etc.

    I understand that you are upset that no one is helping but you need to accept that and maybe re-evaluate your plans.  If you financially cannot afford these things then don't throw any parties. They are not a requirement but rather an option.  Do not let yourself go into debt or spend more then you can just because you were told to.  Because what they told you was wrong.
    I can afford those things which is why I included the favors and a few gifts for her (lingerie, bathrobe).  Im not worried about spending the money as I have it.  I really just want the other bridesmaids to keep their word and help out.  Even if it is just setting up or offering to drive.
    What you want and what is actually is happening are not the same.  You have to let the fact that they aren't helping go.  There is nothing you can do.  They either will or they won't help.  Just plan things how you want them to be for your sister and stop worrying about the other girls.
    I agree with what @Maggie is getting at. No one in the BP is responsible for planning/buying/hosting anything. I am not trying to sound all rude here, but OP no one is forcing you to do this, at all. Or at least I hope not. I think it is very nice that you are, but you do not have to. There is nothing you need to do further for her. 
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  • Emmy1493  I see your point that no one is forcing me to throw her these parties.  She is my only sister and i will only be MOH probably once so I feel it's something nice for her.  I would have done the entire party by myself but my sister instructed me to work together with the bridesmaids on both parties.  I contacted them from the beginning and they just said "oh we want to help".  But then when i give them something to help me with it is ignored.  Why are they even asking if they can help but then don't when I give them something to do?  To me it just sounds as if they are telling my sister that they want to help because they are supposed to be best friends, but they really do not want to.  It's difficult for me to see people who are supposed to be her best friends seem very two-faced.  I feel that in the end if people truly wanted to help them would have already.
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  • It may be that they don't want to help because they are hurt that they aren't even invited to the wedding, but they don't know how to tell your sister that.  It's pretty obvious that she's not the most attentive friend.  Or maybe they didn't tell her they wanted to help, she's trying to voluntell them.  

    Either way, don't throw the party if you don't want to.  If you do want to, get over it.  You are blaming these girls for the bad position that your sister put them in.  
  • Do they know they're not invited to the actual wedding? If I was just asked to be a bridesmaid, I would assume I'm going to be in the wedding.
  • This whole PPR (Pretty princess reception) is one of the rudest, most tacky, greedy, gify-grabby things I have ever heard of on the Knot.  I thought we had seen it all, but your sister figured out a new way to be rude to people!
    You have been taken for a ride.  Since showers and bachelorette parties are not proper for a private destination wedding, you should have just said no, and walked away from those.  You didn't, and now you are expecting other people to add to your mistake?  Sorry.  I don't agree.  You should tell your sister that the parties are cancelled.
    Your sister can parade around like an AW in her ballgown wedding dress (for a destination wedding?!), but why should you look like a fool in your bridesmaid dress?  The other girls are being ignorant and silly.  They should be insulted, not happy to be used!
    I hope you can use this as a learning experience for planning your own wedding.  Etiquette is important.  Your sister will be a laughing stock.  People will talk about her cluster-fuck reception for years!  (Oh, yes, they will!)  Don't you make the same mistakes.
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  • Do they know they're not invited to the actual wedding? If I was just asked to be a bridesmaid, I would assume I'm going to be in the wedding.
    Yes, they know that they will not be in the wedding.  The wedding is in exactly 1 month in disneyworld (we live in NJ).  Apparently they were told that it was family only and that they were only having bridesmaids/groomsman for their july reception which they are turning into a wedding reception minus the ceremony.
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  • CMGragain said:
    This whole PPR (Pretty princess reception) is one of the rudest, most tacky, greedy, gify-grabby things I have ever heard of on the Knot.  I thought we had seen it all, but your sister figured out a new way to be rude to people!
    You have been taken for a ride.  Since showers and bachelorette parties are not proper for a private destination wedding, you should have just said no, and walked away from those.  You didn't, and now you are expecting other people to add to your mistake?  Sorry.  I don't agree.  You should tell your sister that the parties are cancelled.
    Your sister can parade around like an AW in her ballgown wedding dress (for a destination wedding?!), but why should you look like a fool in your bridesmaid dress?  The other girls are being ignorant and silly.  They should be insulted, not happy to be used!
    I hope you can use this as a learning experience for planning your own wedding.  Etiquette is important.  Your sister will be a laughing stock.  People will talk about her cluster-fuck reception for years!  (Oh, yes, they will!)  Don't you make the same mistakes.
    I agree but my mother and I wanted to throw her a shower so we did.  The wedding is only in one month and the last thing is her bachelorette next weekend that I was comfortable planning myself until these girls wanted all of the say but didn't want to pay for anything or do any work.  It's next weekend so I won't cancel it but I refuse to add any more to it.  I am leaving it in the hands of these "bridesmaids" as of now.  

    I have already planned and set a date for my wedding next year.  We are having it in our home state so there will be no need to have an at home reception as it will be ONE day. :)
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  • OP- what your sister is doing is not normal and rude. Quit using the word reception - reception is the day of. She's having a party and wearing her dress - which is completely inappropriate. If she wants pics of her in her dress with her friends - they need to be invited to the wedding. Period.


    And...I was all with you until you started complaining that these girls aren't paying. Sorry - you, nor your sister, get to decide that. Being a bridesmaid does not designate that you pay for party's. You're paying for things because you love your sister and financially can. So just leave it at that. And if they want say? Tell them because you're paying for it - you're planning - no pay, no say. 
  • OP- what your sister is doing is not normal and rude. Quit using the word reception - reception is the day of. She's having a party and wearing her dress - which is completely inappropriate. If she wants pics of her in her dress with her friends - they need to be invited to the wedding. Period.


    And...I was all with you until you started complaining that these girls aren't paying. Sorry - you, nor your sister, get to decide that. Being a bridesmaid does not designate that you pay for party's. You're paying for things because you love your sister and financially can. So just leave it at that. And if they want say? Tell them because you're paying for it - you're planning - no pay, no say. 

    Yes, I already have told them they can pay for what they want to have and I will pay for what I want to have.  Unfortunately they will not be invited to the wedding it is out of state and she felt her friends couldn't pay for it.  The party/reception this July is being thrown by the grooms parents to invite those who were not invited to the wedding (Theres only 30 people that can come out of 50 invited).  Yes, its wrong she didn't invite them but there is no need for me to be MOH at her party in July and there is certainly no need for these girls to have bought dresses that match mine (in color only) just so they can be apart of the bridal party.  It's silly I was told we will ALL be introduced by the DJ in the beginning of the reception.  I am embarrassed for these girls being broad-casted as bridesmaids to the entire party.  Then when they show the ceremony video it's just me and the best man at the actual wedding.  It will most certainly cause confusion.
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