Cake Smash: Yes this needs a new thread

SP29 · April 2014

I'm not offended by it, or think it is abusive (unless one party has explicitly said NO and the other person did it anyways... or what happened in the 2 videos posted- holy F! I would be PISSED), but I don't care for it. I think it's silly mostly.

I understand TTD, but that is usually a specific event where you wear your dress for a period of time expecting to get it dirty. I would not want to walk around for the rest of the evening with a cake stain on my dress. Nor would my DH- he bought a custom suit for our wedding and wears it regularly, he would not want cake stain on it! Not to mention the money you pay to get your make up and hair done- I don't want cake in my hair.

Those who have mentioned paint ball and food fights- those are different. Those are planned events where one dresses appropriately for the occasion and knows what is going to happen, not a formal event with expensive clothes.

I also agree with Phira, that its a crime against cake. I want to eat that cake!

On my dad's side of the family we have a "tradition" where the birthday person gets surprised attacked by someone else who smears butter on their nose (see, we're "fun" too). Supposed to be good luck. However, this is kept between my dad's side of the immediate family only, and done only if we are at someone's house. I wouldn't do this to one of my friends out at a restaurant- not appropriate.

Viczaesar · April 2014

KeptInStitches said:

No cake smashing for me. I view it as disrespectful and a waste of good cake.

And anyone coming at me with 10" cake slicer had better be fully prepared to have the damn marriage annuled, especially if I bleed.

Absolutely this.

JellyBean52513 · April 2014

phira said:

The point of cutting the cake is actually similar to the first dance. Guest of honor (the person for whom the party is being thrown) is supposed to start off the dancing, and is supposed to cut their own cake (or at least make the first cut).

At my old job, we always got cakes for people's birthdays, and it was a given that whoever was the birthday dude/lady would cut the cake.

I do see how that makes sense. I'm just personally not comfortable with being the center of attention *again* for something like cutting a cake... everyone would've already watched me walk down the aisle, exchange vows, dance with the groom and probably my dad, they gotta be sick of looking at me by then lol I'd just prefer the caterers/venue staff to whisk the cake away at an appropriate time, cut it up, and begin serving it without the show of cutting.

wrigleyville · April 2014

JellyBean52513 said:

phira said:

The point of cutting the cake is actually similar to the first dance. Guest of honor (the person for whom the party is being thrown) is supposed to start off the dancing, and is supposed to cut their own cake (or at least make the first cut).

At my old job, we always got cakes for people's birthdays, and it was a given that whoever was the birthday dude/lady would cut the cake.

I do see how that makes sense. I'm just personally not comfortable with being the center of attention *again* for something like cutting a cake... everyone would've already watched me walk down the aisle, exchange vows, dance with the groom and probably my dad, they gotta be sick of looking at me by then lol I'd just prefer the caterers/venue staff to whisk the cake away at an appropriate time, cut it up, and begin serving it without the show of cutting.

Feeding each other that first slice of cake is also symbolic of "taking care of each other". I didn't know that until TK. I just thought it was something sweet/romantic the B&G did to make it a bit less, "Oh hey... time to serve the cake."

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

So I didn't read all the posts...but as someone with a lot of actual abuse in her family, I find it offensive that people throw around that word in regards to something as innocent as smooshing a little cake into your beloved's face. Do I like it? Hell no, and I've asked FI not to do it because I think it's tacky...but it's far from abuse. Come on.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

lolo883 said:
So I didn't read all the posts...but as someone with a lot of actual abuse in her family, I find it offensive that people throw around that word in regards to something as innocent as smooshing a little cake into your beloved's face. Do I like it? Hell no, and I've asked FI not to do it because I think it's tacky...but it's far from abuse. Come on.

You should probably read all the responses. The general concensus is that it's abuse if one person has specifically said 'please don't do this' and the other person does it anyway.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

lolo883 said:
So I didn't read all the posts...but as someone with a lot of actual abuse in her family, I find it offensive that people throw around that word in regards to something as innocent as smooshing a little cake into your beloved's face. Do I like it? Hell no, and I've asked FI not to do it because I think it's tacky...but it's far from abuse. Come on.
You should probably read all the responses. The general concensus is that it's abuse if one person has specifically said 'please don't do this' and the other person does it anyway.

I caught up now.

. Yes, I agree that it can be quite disrespectful...but that still doesn't equal abuse.

NYCBruin · April 2014

lolo883 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

lolo883 said:
So I didn't read all the posts...but as someone with a lot of actual abuse in her family, I find it offensive that people throw around that word in regards to something as innocent as smooshing a little cake into your beloved's face. Do I like it? Hell no, and I've asked FI not to do it because I think it's tacky...but it's far from abuse. Come on.
You should probably read all the responses. The general concensus is that it's abuse if one person has specifically said 'please don't do this' and the other person does it anyway.
I caught up now. . Yes, I agree that it can be quite disrespectful...but that still doesn't equal abuse.

What about blatantly disrespecting someone in front of all of their friends and family isn't abusive? Just because someone isn't being physically harmed doesn't mean something isn't abusive.

wrigleyville · April 2014

As shown and stated in the thread, "smooshing a little cake" isn't "innocent". It is a blatant disrespect of someone's wishes. It is physical, in that you're having food shoved in your face, and it is emotional, in that the person does not care that you do not want cake shoved in your face.

Also, if I'm going to spend hundreds/thousands of dollars on my dress, hair, and makeup, and someone shoves cake in my face, they've just ruined my "investment". It is also demoralizing, in that my H couldn't respect my wishes and decided to disrespect me by doing exactly what I told him not to do. If I've given reasons, such as "it will embarrass me" and "it will ruin my dress, which I want to preserve", then it becomes an abuse of power. He's basically saying he doesn't care about my feelings and will harm me emotional and physically AND LAUGH ABOUT IT.

Calling it "innocent" when someone explicitly says it would make them angry/sad only gives more power to the people who think it's funny to ignore their spouse's wishes and smash the cake anyway. It's only "innocent" and funny when BOTH people have agreed that it's okay.

chibiyui · April 2014

NYCBruin said:

So I didn't read all the posts...but as someone with a lot of actual abuse in her family, I find it offensive that people throw around that word in regards to something as innocent as smooshing a little cake into your beloved's face. Do I like it? Hell no, and I've asked FI not to do it because I think it's tacky...but it's far from abuse. Come on.
You should probably read all the responses. The general concensus is that it's abuse if one person has specifically said 'please don't do this' and the other person does it anyway.
I caught up now. . Yes, I agree that it can be quite disrespectful...but that still doesn't equal abuse.
What about blatantly disrespecting someone in front of all of their friends and family isn't abusive? Just because someone isn't being physically harmed doesn't mean something isn't abusive.

Agreed with @NYCBruin, not all abuse leaves bruises.

And yes, there is a lot of "actual" abuse in my family too.

lyndausvi · April 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

Simply Fated said:

I worked at a wedding venue when the bride smashed the piece of cake in the groom's face. It got all over his glasses and he was pissed. He took off in the limo. Do you guys remember that bride who came on here asking for ideas on how to trick the MOH? She wanted to SURPRISE! The MOH and smash the cake in her face instead of the groom's. Because it would be soooo funny. And when she didn't get the validation she wanted, she ran to WW or WB for support. I think that's worse.... Tricking someone with cake in their face. Personally, I think the cake smash is trashy an seriously immature. To each their own, though.

If anyone did that to me I'd take them by the back of their hair and plant their face into the entire cake.

That is why my sister did to me and the BM. We remained friends.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

chibiyui said:

NYCBruin said:

lolo883 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

lolo883 said:
So I didn't read all the posts...but as someone with a lot of actual abuse in her family, I find it offensive that people throw around that word in regards to something as innocent as smooshing a little cake into your beloved's face. Do I like it? Hell no, and I've asked FI not to do it because I think it's tacky...but it's far from abuse. Come on.
You should probably read all the responses. The general concensus is that it's abuse if one person has specifically said 'please don't do this' and the other person does it anyway.
I caught up now. . Yes, I agree that it can be quite disrespectful...but that still doesn't equal abuse.
What about blatantly disrespecting someone in front of all of their friends and family isn't abusive? Just because someone isn't being physically harmed doesn't mean something isn't abusive.

Agreed with @NYCBruin, not all abuse leaves bruises.

And yes, there is a lot of "actual" abuse in my family too.

Seconded. There's rampant abuse in my DH's family, too, and not all of it is physical.

ohannabelle · April 2014

Intentionally shaming or humiliating someone, knowing that they will feel ashamed and humiliated, is emotional abuse. And emotional or mental abuse is abuse.

Not even comparing that to people who willingly shove cake in each other's faces. I judge them for being obnoxious, but don't consider it abusive. Just stoopid.

sophhabobopha · April 2014

I think wedding food fights are much more exciting.

lovesclimbing · April 2014

I wanted to do it. H did not. He has a beard and mustache so he didn't want it because it'd be a pain to clean up. He really didn't want to, I tried to convince him, but eventually agreed I wouldn't do it. And even with people hollering "Smash it!" I didn't. In hindsight, I'm glad I didn't. It would have messed up my makeup, and I really needed my foundation and concealer to cover up the pimple spots.

I see nothing wrong with some smearing. I think it's cute and funny. However, that video is way too much. I think that shows some serious character flaws on the part of that guy that he gets so into it that he can't just accept her doing it a little bit and has to shove 1/3 of the cake into her face in order to get her more than she got him.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

Oh I totally agree that not all abuse leaves bruises. I'm not about to dispute that. And I do believe such blatant disrespect can be indicative of abusive patterns... but it isn't always. If I saw someone smash cake in their new spouse's face I wouldn't immediately jump to "spouse abuser!" That's not fair. And to lump all such actions immediately into "abuse" I think desensitizes people to the word (same as the rebuttal the other day to saying things like "I got raped by credit card fees." Totally different, but same desensitization). This CAN be an innocent but misguided case of terrible judgement. Not always, but sometimes. I've told FI multiple times not to throw my leather boots into a pile with my stilettos but sometimes he does it anyway. Is that emotional abuse? Absolutely not. It's cleaning the house. The difference is INTENT. Do those (typically) husbands intend to humiliate their new spouses? We can't know for sure based on one action.

My uncle didn't smash cake into my aunt's face at their wedding, but he did beat her up on their honeymoon and numerous times thereafter. Does that mean he's respectful?

Edited for spelling on an iPhone.

JennyColada · April 2014

I want to feed him some cake, because I think it's sweet.

But no cake face smashing please and thank you.

I am paying way too much money for my make up for it to be ruined by our cake.

Fran1985 · April 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

I think we can all agree that the video posted is not what we are talking about here.

Also, my friends recently had a party where they covered the entire inside of their condo in tarp and had a 30 person food fight.

See for me, that beginning part is what I think of when I think of the cake smash. Not the on the ground part, but part of why I find it so horrifying is I always see that hint of agression. I couldn't even watch that whole video but take out the really bad parts and just the part where they are actually smashing the cake in the face. Its so aggressive! I don't feel I am witnessing something playful and I never have. Maybe its a correlation thing. The weddings where I have known both of the couple to be loving and playful have never done the cake smash. I feel like its only being done at my second cousins weddings where they are a bickering couple anyway. So its easy to say oh its fine when both are willing and its a cute playful frosting dab- I just have never seen that. Ive seen the actual smash, and seeing a groom rub his brides face in food fills me with dread. So I wont say abuse, but its more than just not my style.

Peaseblossom55 · April 2014

I don't think it's abuse. I don't like watching it happen and I told FI he better not do it.

Fran1985 · April 2014

lolo883 said:

Oh I totally agree that not all abuse leaves bruises. I'm not about to dispute that. And I do believe such blatant disrespect can be indicative of abusive patterns... but it isn't always. If I saw someone smash cake in their new spouse's face I wouldn't immediately jump to "spouse abuser!" That's not fair. And to lump all such actions immediately into "abuse" I think desensitizes people to the word (same as the rebuttal the other day to saying things like "I got raped by credit card fees." Totally different, but same desensitization). This CAN be an innocent but misguided case of terrible judgement. Not always, but sometimes. I've told FI multiple times not to throw my leather boots into a pile with my stilettos but sometimes he does it anyway. Is that emotional abuse? Absolutely not. It's cleaning the house. The difference is INTENT. Do those (typically) husbands intend to humiliate their new spouses? We can't know for sure based on one action. My uncle didn't smash cake into my aunt's face at their wedding, but he did beat her up on their honeymoon and numerous times thereafter. Does that mean he's respectful? Edited for spelling on an iPhone.

To the bolded- completely unfair logical fallacy. Doing the cake smash doesn't mean the person IS abusive (no one has said that) and not doing the cake smash doesn't mean you aren't. We, as guests, can see the intent. In both videos posted, you can actually see the moment the brides heart breaks a little, and you can hear when the guests realize it. Those are two extreme versions of the cake smash, but the intent is certainly seen.

Saying that people feel this is borderline abuse is not the same thing at all as saying "raped by credit card fees." People using that expression are using rape in a totally different way that sexual assault. People in this thread are talking about actual abuse. No one is saying that all cake smashes are abuse. I dont think anyone has even said they are abusive, I think people have been talking about them feeling hateful and disrespectful. But yes, watching an aggressive groom rub food into his brides face could be both physical and emotional abuse. I dont think anyone in this thread has said if the bride at any point has frosting on her face from the groom, she is being abused. But I think the people who hate have seen what I've seen- very aggressive cake smashes that make you feel very uncomfortable. Some cake smashes are probably goddamn adorable and cute and playful. The ones I've seen were not.

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

@Fran1985 I totally agree that they're different things. And I acknowledged that they were totally different cases and extreme comparisons. Some people did say though, smashing cake when you know your spouse doesn't want it is abuse. My point is that cake smash alone is not a strong enough action to judge independently of other behaviors so it shouldn't be lumped in with actual cases of aggression, violence, psychological torture, emotional battery, etc. If it's part of a pattern of abusive tendencies then it's a different story altogether, but I don't think it's fair to put that label on what can be a harmless, if inappropriate, action. There are plethora other actions that fall into the same category.

We've all been party to some form of misunderstanding - how many of us know someone who vehemently opposes surprises yet was thrown a surprise party by a well-meaning loved one anyway? Is that emotional abuse? Of course not. Sometimes people just really don't get the point that when you say you really don't like or want something, even if it's something other people like or accept, you really really mean it and will be pissed if they do otherwise. That doesn't mean they intended to hurt you or cause you distress. It might mean they're fucking idiots, but that's a different story.

The videos posted - absolutely abusive. I'd be horrified if I saw anything like that.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2014

lyndausvi said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Simply Fated said:

I worked at a wedding venue when the bride smashed the piece of cake in the groom's face. It got all over his glasses and he was pissed. He took off in the limo. Do you guys remember that bride who came on here asking for ideas on how to trick the MOH? She wanted to SURPRISE! The MOH and smash the cake in her face instead of the groom's. Because it would be soooo funny. And when she didn't get the validation she wanted, she ran to WW or WB for support. I think that's worse.... Tricking someone with cake in their face. Personally, I think the cake smash is trashy an seriously immature. To each their own, though.

If anyone did that to me I'd take them by the back of their hair and plant their face into the entire cake.

That is why my sister did to me and the BM. We remained friends.

Hahaha, you must have a much higher tolerance for frosting in the face than I do. It makes me break out ><

carliealissa · April 2014

a13049 said:
If the couple wants to smash cake, by all means go for it. But if one partner has explicitly expressed to the other that they do NOT want cake smashed in their face, and the person does it anyway, I'm alarmed that most of you don't consider that an abusive act.
I think you haven't read the comments clearly. Most people have stated, whether they are pro or against cake smashing that both parties being ok with it is important. I would be upset and feel disrespected if if did this and I asked him not to. I would not feel abused. The debate came from another thread on what ettiquette faux pas would be a deal breaker on attending someone else's wedding. A poster said the cake smashing by the bride and groom is offensive to her.

Stuck in box: I read the comments clearly, did you? Yes, a lot of people stated that both parties being ok with it is important. And, like you also just stated, they said that if the person did it when they were asked not to, they don't consider it abusive (just rude, disrespectful, etc.).

As others have said, I'm not talking about a little frosting on the nose, maybe that's disrespectful if they said they didn't want it. I'm talking about those full-on aggressive smashes.

I actually really like this discussion- @Fran1985 and @lolo883 I see what both of you are saying for sure. I think we're probably not in as much disagreement as we think; there is a broad spectrum of behavior a "cake smash" could fall into, and different points where we would all feel that it has crossed the line into abusive. (I don't think anyone is in disagreement about that awful video).

edited: where are my paragraphs

flyingfoxes · April 2014

This whole discussion is reviving anxieties I'm having about the whole thing. I don't think FI will do this to me - it would kill him if he made me cry - but I'm rethinking even doing a cake-cutting at all. Ugh

pinkshorts27 · April 2014

qmda76 said:

This whole discussion is reviving anxieties I'm having about the whole thing. I don't think FI will do this to me - it would kill him if he made me cry - but I'm rethinking even doing a cake-cutting at all. Ugh

trust your FI and talk to him. I sent him this thread actually and said "FI I love you, but I really don't want the cake smoosh" because he is exactly the kind of guy to smoosh cake. He said, "I will not smoosh cake on you darling. At least not until the honeymoon and then only when no one can see

" I was okay with that

Emmy1493 · April 2014

I told FI that if he smashes cake in my face, there might be some cake stuffed in his pants. Only kidding, but seriously, it IS a waste of good cake!! ;D

bunni727 · April 2014

H and I didn't want to do the cake smash, so we didn't. We've actually felt the opposite vibe from people, that we were stuck up or not fun because we didn't.

I don't mind if other people do, but will admit I'm always concerned that one of them didn't want it. I had a jokester ex-bf, and there is no doubt that he would be the kind of person to do it anyway, thinking I needed to lighten up. Then I'm forced to either pretend to play along, or be seen as bitchy.

Fun and silliness is great, so long as both parties are having fun.

emmaaa · April 2014

FI knows I would be hysterical if he smashed cake in my face. I'm really wierd about foreign substances of my face and get really anxious when there is dirt or food or anything put on my face.

I don't think it is abusive nor do I think it is funny in some cases. Like we've agreed, it is couple dependent.

BTW, at my last job as a waitress, I had been working there for about a year when I graduated college and got a full time job. I literally only told my managers. My restaurant had a tradition to throw food on the person leaving. Applesauce, flour, ranch, whip cream...I did NOT want that to happen to m. Well my manager got me in the face anyways with whip cream pie. I wasn't too happy but I was a good sport. I just washed my face immedately.

PrincessOfHavoc · April 2014

Told DF if he smashed cake on me, I will fight back.

DF is horrified at wasting very yummy cake.

jdluvr06 · April 2014

After reading this I'm getting the feeling I'm the only one who is doing my own makeup and hair.

Cake Smash: Yes this needs a new thread

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