kids ruining the moment!?!?!?

monique637 · April 2014

Me and my fiance decided to have "no children" at our wedding except for our 3 year old daughter and our two nieces who are the two flower girls (my brother and his sister dont believe in baby sitters). No, we have nothing against children, but we did decide on this due to keeping the wedding within our budget (yes our families have ALOT of kids) and we wanted our wedding to be more of a formal and romantic adult only evening event. So here is my problem, my brother's daughter is a very well behaved girl so I am not worried about her, however my fiance's sister's daughter is a not so well behaved 3 year old. We recently saw her biting and attempting to claw peoples eyes out (no exaggeration). She is a major tantrum thrower including screaming and kicking and well you get the point. Now in my family behavior like that is not acceptable and would be quickly punished, but my fiances family is very passive and pretty much lets her be wild without any consequence or attempt to control her. So I am so afraid that she is going to throw a fit or do something crazy right smack in the middle of a special moment in my ceremony and ruin the moment. I know it sounds a bit mean for me to worry about this, but I've been dreaming of this moment forever and I really don't want it to get ruined by something like this. Would it be rude for my fiance to talk to his sister about our concern before hand? Has anyone gone through this?

Angusaur · April 2014

monique637 said:

Me and my fiance decided to have "no children" at our wedding except for our 3 year old daughter and our two nieces who are the two flower girls (my brother and his sister dont believe in baby sitters). No, we have nothing against children, but we did decide on this due to keeping the wedding within our budget (yes our families have ALOT of kids) and we wanted our wedding to be more of a formal and romantic adult only evening event. So here is my problem, my brother's daughter is a very well behaved girl so I am not worried about her, however my fiance's sister's daughter is a not so well behaved 3 year old. We recently saw her biting and attempting to claw peoples eyes out (no exaggeration). She is a major tantrum thrower including screaming and kicking and well you get the point. Now in my family behavior like that is not acceptable and would be quickly punished, but my fiances family is very passive and pretty much lets her be wild without any consequence or attempt to control her. So I am so afraid that she is going to throw a fit or do something crazy right smack in the middle of a special moment in my ceremony and ruin the moment. I know it sounds a bit mean for me to worry about this, but I've been dreaming of this moment forever and I really don't want it to get ruined by something like this. Would it be rude for my fiance to talk to his sister about our concern before hand? Has anyone gone through this?

Absolutely, yes. I would be beyond offended if someone had this talk with me about my son. He's an adult, a parent, and I'm sure he knows when to step up if his daughter is misbehaving. I'm sure he would have the good sense to step away with her if she got a little unruly. To be honest we all obsess about every little detail but nothing is perfect. Even if there is a little outburst you will get over it and focus on the most important part of the day, marrying your FI.

Simply Fated · April 2014

monique637 said:

Me and my fiance decided to have "no children" at our wedding except for our 3 year old daughter and our two nieces who are the two flower girls (my brother and his sister dont believe in baby sitters). No, we have nothing against children, but we did decide on this due to keeping the wedding within our budget (yes our families have ALOT of kids) and we wanted our wedding to be more of a formal and romantic adult only evening event. So here is my problem, my brother's daughter is a very well behaved girl so I am not worried about her, however my fiance's sister's daughter is a not so well behaved 3 year old. We recently saw her biting and attempting to claw peoples eyes out (no exaggeration). She is a major tantrum thrower including screaming and kicking and well you get the point. Now in my family behavior like that is not acceptable and would be quickly punished, but my fiances family is very passive and pretty much lets her be wild without any consequence or attempt to control her. So I am so afraid that she is going to throw a fit or do something crazy right smack in the middle of a special moment in my ceremony and ruin the moment. I know it sounds a bit mean for me to worry about this, but I've been dreaming of this moment forever and I really don't want it to get ruined by something like this. Would it be rude for my fiance to talk to his sister about our concern before hand? Has anyone gone through this?

I don't know if I would use the word "rude" but definitely out of line. No one really likes to be told how to handle their children. She could very well take offense to this and the issue could become a MUCH bigger deal.

The thing is, there is one of two things going on.
1) She knows what a brat her daugther can be, but doesn't care.
2) She thinks her snowflake isn't a brat, this is just her speshul way of expressing herself.

You already invited the little girl to your wedding, as a flower girl no less, so there is no going back now.

Please try not to dwell on these thoughts. Kids can be very unpredictable. She might behave herself the whole time and one of the adults might get drunk and start slam dancing in the middle of the dance floor to Celine Dion. Or pick his nose and flick his booger onto your wedding dress during your processional. It's happened, I'm sure.

For what it's worth, there are kids in my family and friends' circle who can't behave to save their lives and their parents do squat about it, too. So I'll be crossing this road when it's time to make up my wedding guest list, too. You're not alone lol.

RebeccaFlower · April 2014

How would YOU handle it if someone sat you down to tell you that they think your child is the spawn of Satan? Not well, I presume. You should absolutely not doing this and uninviting is terribly rude. A three year old will not ruin your wedding and if this was a huge issue, you should have thought of this before inviting them.

zitiqueen · April 2014

monique637 said:

Me and my fiance decided to have "no children" at our wedding except for our 3 year old daughter and our two nieces who are the two flower girls (my brother and his sister dont believe in baby sitters). No, we have nothing against children, but we did decide on this due to keeping the wedding within our budget (yes our families have ALOT of kids) and we wanted our wedding to be more of a formal and romantic adult only evening event. So here is my problem, my brother's daughter is a very well behaved girl so I am not worried about her, however my fiance's sister's daughter is a not so well behaved 3 year old. We recently saw her biting and attempting to claw peoples eyes out (no exaggeration). She is a major tantrum thrower including screaming and kicking and well you get the point. Now in my family behavior like that is not acceptable and would be quickly punished, but my fiances family is very passive and pretty much lets her be wild without any consequence or attempt to control her. So I am so afraid that she is going to throw a fit or do something crazy right smack in the middle of a special moment in my ceremony and ruin the moment. I know it sounds a bit mean for me to worry about this, but I've been dreaming of this moment forever and I really don't want it to get ruined by something like this. Would it be rude for my fiance to talk to his sister about our concern before hand? Has anyone gone through this?

I'm confused. Are you saying you were required to have them as flower girls because they don't believe in babysitters?

saacjw · April 2014

So, I'll say this from my wedding- if the kid starts freaking out, there is a chance you won't notice it. My ring bearers started crawling up the aisle to collect the flower petals that the flower girl dropped (on her orders, btw) and I had literally no idea this happened until my aunt told me about it later. Big major distraction, and not only did I have no idea, but there's not even pictures or anything because my photographer assumed I wouldn't want to memorialize the distractions. Kids throwing fits, acting out, doing something weird- all things you cannot control, so put it on your don't worry about it list.

dolewhipper · April 2014

If you're worried the parent won't do anything, drop a line to your DOC that if the child really starts getting out of control he/she asks the parent to calm the child down. Easy. But yes, it's rude to tell a parent how to parent.

Maggie0829 · April 2014

zitiqueen said:

monique637 said:

Me and my fiance decided to have "no children" at our wedding except for our 3 year old daughter and our two nieces who are the two flower girls (my brother and his sister dont believe in baby sitters). No, we have nothing against children, but we did decide on this due to keeping the wedding within our budget (yes our families have ALOT of kids) and we wanted our wedding to be more of a formal and romantic adult only evening event. So here is my problem, my brother's daughter is a very well behaved girl so I am not worried about her, however my fiance's sister's daughter is a not so well behaved 3 year old. We recently saw her biting and attempting to claw peoples eyes out (no exaggeration). She is a major tantrum thrower including screaming and kicking and well you get the point. Now in my family behavior like that is not acceptable and would be quickly punished, but my fiances family is very passive and pretty much lets her be wild without any consequence or attempt to control her. So I am so afraid that she is going to throw a fit or do something crazy right smack in the middle of a special moment in my ceremony and ruin the moment. I know it sounds a bit mean for me to worry about this, but I've been dreaming of this moment forever and I really don't want it to get ruined by something like this. Would it be rude for my fiance to talk to his sister about our concern before hand? Has anyone gone through this?

I'm confused. Are you saying you were required to have them as flower girls because they don't believe in babysitters?

This.

And yes it would be out of line for your FI to talk to his sister about how she disciplines or controls her children.

SJM7538 · April 2014

My 1.5 year old nephew screamed through my entire ceremony. My sister (his mom) was my MOH so a friend of the family took him away from the ceremony when he cried so my sister wouldn't miss it. He was still within an earshot of the ceremony bc he freaks out if he can't see my sister... I never noticed. I had no idea until after the ceremony when I noticed he had been crying.

Her parents should know to remove her from the ceremony if she is behaving that bad. And IF the child is really that badly behaved and it causes a sceneduring the ceremony I would think someone would either give her a look or say something at that point In time that would make the parent think "I should probably get my child out of here"

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

zitiqueen said:

monique637 said:

Me and my fiance decided to have "no children" at our wedding except for our 3 year old daughter and our two nieces who are the two flower girls (my brother and his sister dont believe in baby sitters). No, we have nothing against children, but we did decide on this due to keeping the wedding within our budget (yes our families have ALOT of kids) and we wanted our wedding to be more of a formal and romantic adult only evening event. So here is my problem, my brother's daughter is a very well behaved girl so I am not worried about her, however my fiance's sister's daughter is a not so well behaved 3 year old. We recently saw her biting and attempting to claw peoples eyes out (no exaggeration). She is a major tantrum thrower including screaming and kicking and well you get the point. Now in my family behavior like that is not acceptable and would be quickly punished, but my fiances family is very passive and pretty much lets her be wild without any consequence or attempt to control her. So I am so afraid that she is going to throw a fit or do something crazy right smack in the middle of a special moment in my ceremony and ruin the moment. I know it sounds a bit mean for me to worry about this, but I've been dreaming of this moment forever and I really don't want it to get ruined by something like this. Would it be rude for my fiance to talk to his sister about our concern before hand? Has anyone gone through this?

I'm confused. Are you saying you were required to have them as flower girls because they don't believe in babysitters?

This is my question, too. If your siblings don't believe in babysitters (and how can you not 'believe' in babysitters? You may choose not to use them, but you can't deny their general existence. Anyway), that's on them, but their life choices don't mean you have to change your plans.

Otherwise, no, you may not have your FI sit his sister down and tell her, 'Sis, I love you, but your kid is an evil brat and we're worried she's going to ruin our wedding day, so you need to step up to the plate and be a better mother.' That's going to over like a lead balloon.

twitterbird · April 2014

We've had to do that where I work at times and it never goes over well. Sadly it also has needed to be done. I work at a museum/art gallery and its a public space. We had 2 moms who were too busy talking (not in a gallery) to notice that their children were throwing rocks (that were around the bottom of a sculture) around the lobby. Security spoke to them and the moms immediately complained to higher ups that they were being told how to parent.

Point is that these moms needed to be told that as their children were most definitely not behaving as they should. We have kids and parents here all the time and this is extremely rare but does happen. Maybe you could mention to them a wedding you went to that had kids running around and say you don't want that at your wedding.

cowgirl8238 · April 2014

Laurie Roche said:

We've had to do that where I work at times and it never goes over well. Sadly it also has needed to be done. I work at a museum/art gallery and its a public space. We had 2 moms who were too busy talking (not in a gallery) to notice that their children were throwing rocks (that were around the bottom of a sculture) around the lobby. Security spoke to them and the moms immediately complained to higher ups that they were being told how to parent.
Point is that these moms needed to be told that as their children were most definitely not behaving as they should. We have kids and parents here all the time and this is extremely rare but does happen. Maybe you could mention to them a wedding you went to that had kids running around and say you don't want that at your wedding.

I would NOT confront the parents in anyway. Mentioning that you don't like unruley children at weddings is a bit too passive agressive to me, and will probably make the problem much worse.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it...I'm sure if she acts up, the parents will remove her and you will hardly notice.

kmmssg · April 2014

You are pretty much stuck with this but I don't blame you for being concerned.

All I have to do is go to the grocery store and people watch for awhile to see there are people, on a regular basis, who ignore their kids, let them throw tantrums, and don't make the consequences severe enough to change the behavior.

You said, " We recently saw her biting and attempting to claw peoples eyes out (no exaggeration). She is a major tantrum thrower including screaming and kicking and well you get the point. Now in my family behavior like that is not acceptable and would be quickly punished, but my fiances family is very passive and pretty much lets her be wild without any consequence or attempt to control her." I also come from a family where that crap doesn't fly and it is dealt with immediately.

The bottom line is that this child has been reared to be this way. There is no discipline and no consequences and she behaves like this because she has been conditioned to do so and she retains the power in the struggle.

Any attempt at a conversation is going to go over like a lead balloon and cause a world war in your FI's family and will most likely cause damage for years to come. Personally this is how I would deal with it in my family and I would be cluing my family in on the deal. I would talk to my sibling, let them know what is going on and that you want to mention to both sets of parents at the same time how excited you are for the girls to be FG's. You want to make sure the girls are comfortable and have everything they need and you understand if when the ceremony starts it could be overwhelming for them. If that happens you would appreciate it if they were taken out and comforted.

If I was your sibling I would take one for the team in a heartbeat to help set up the scenario. I am sure many will not agree with that and that is fine, but the idea that all parents know when to remove their child is a fairy tale in my book. All I have to do is go grocery shopping and watch some parents.

My biggest question for you is this: someday you and FI may choose to have children. You come from a family that disciplines and requires children to act respectfully. He comes from a family where biting and tantrums are no big deal, How are you going to reconcile that when it comes to parenting your child? I am encouraging you to have long talks about that now.

Does your FI think is niece is poorly behaved?

I broke off a years long friendship with an old Army buddy because when he got married, he and his wife procreated 4 demon spawn daughters who sound a lot like FI's niece. I don't put up with that crap, especially in my own home, at events I am hosting.

DaisyMaeMommy · April 2014

It's always a bad choice to confront parents about how they are parenting their children, unless you see them abusing the child.

I'd let it go. Hopefully they will know to remove the child if she throws a temper-tantrum.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

@kmmssg is wise, as always, and raises very good points.

berrynuttyfarm · April 2014

My FI's nephew has a 3 year old who is a holy terror. We actually are only going to invite the nephew (who is divorced) and not his ex or his 2 kids who are 1 and 3. Hopefully, that will take care of that issue.
However, I also have a cousin who is one of my BMs. She has a 3 year old, who will be coming to the wedding. She is starting to be the same way, and I have worried about the same things as OP. What if she screams during the ceremony or causes a ruckus? Well, my mom's answer to that was that the ushers need to be ready to ask any parents with young kids to step outside the ceremony room if their kids are being disruptive. Just the same as it might be handled in a church.
Maybe you could go that route, OP?

ElcaB · April 2014

Newsflash: Your wedding will not be perfect, with or without a child there who may or may not have a tantrum.

You should have thought of this before you invited them. Never, ever tell someone how to parent --- it will not end well for you.

meemawbetty · April 2014

There is a relatively simple way to handle this. During your rehearsal, simply address the "situation that could possibly arise" among the parents of the 3 young daughters (that would be you, your brother, FI's sister)...have a plan in place, in the event that one of the 3 lovely girls gets "squirmy", and share what that plan is (have the DOC, a relative, whomever, tell the parent quietly that they can remove the child to a designated spot away from the ceremony). There is no commentary whatsoever on anyone's parenting skills, but simply a matter-of-fact detailed plan should this happen.

MandyMost · April 2014

meemawbetty said:

There is a relatively simple way to handle this. During your rehearsal, simply address the "situation that could possibly arise" among the parents of the 3 young daughters (that would be you, your brother, FI's sister)...have a plan in place, in the event that one of the 3 lovely girls gets "squirmy", and share what that plan is (have the DOC, a relative, whomever, tell the parent quietly that they can remove the child to a designated spot away from the ceremony). There is no commentary whatsoever on anyone's parenting skills, but simply a matter-of-fact detailed plan should this happen.

Oh, I think this is good! I'd take it even a step further and make sure we addressed a variety of different problems that could arise, not just the children, though. Like, what do you do if the music doesn't work? Of if a guest tries to object? Or someone forgets where they're supposed to stand?

monique637 · May 2014

I originally just wanted my daughter to be my only flower girl but his mother kept hinting at the idea of his niece being a flower girl too and so I kind of felt obligated to make her a flower girl. Then I felt horrible not having my niece in it since his niece was in it so that is how things came to be.

And I do suppose all of you have a point in how she could take it offensive, especially because she does not believe her child is wild but rather thinks she's just being a kid. Recently her other sister-n-law mentioned that the little girl is way out of control and she was very upset about the matter so I decided to let it go and hope for the best. Unfortunately I am not having a rehearsal or else I would definitely use that idea, so I am going to opt for the next best idea and have the coordinator handle the situation if it gets out of hand.

Luckly, my fiance does not have the same parenting style as his sister so when it comes to our daughter we are on the same page. Tantrums and things like that do not fly with us. I had no idea people took such offense to things like this especially given the situation but I guess I was wrong! lol I am glad I got a second opinion on the matter before starting family drama. That is the last thing I need when I am 3 months away from the big day!

kitty8403 · May 2014

She's 3. Tantrums happen. Kids get cranky. They melt down. Cut the poor mother some slack. If she's still a horrible brat at, say, 17, then you might have something.

If you invite a toddler to play flower girl, you take the risk that she could be overstimulated or overwhelmed and have a meltdown. That's on you-- not her or her parents. My niece is 3, too. She is not going to be a flower girl.

Now, if you so strongly disapprove of her behavior and her parents' disciplinary style, why on earth would you ask her to be a flower girl in the first place? You already had one, two is completely unnecessary.

AddieCake · May 2014

I definitely do not see you confronting the parents going well for you.

huskypuppy14 · May 2014

kitty8403 said:

She's 3. Tantrums happen. Kids get cranky. They melt down. Cut the poor mother some slack. If she's still a horrible brat at, say, 17, then you might have something. If you invite a toddler to play flower girl, you take the risk that she could be overstimulated or overwhelmed and have a meltdown. That's on you-- not her or her parents. My niece is 3, too. She is not going to be a flower girl. Now, if you so strongly disapprove of her behavior and her parents' disciplinary style, why on earth would you ask her to be a flower girl in the first place? You already had one, two is completely unnecessary.

So much this! My mother loves to tell the story of me having a meltdown during my parents wedding (I was 2 1/2 and the flower girl).

However, I was not a bad child, and rarely had tantrums. It sounds like OPs future niece is not getting the discipline she needs, and that will not bode well for her in the future.

kitty8403 · May 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

kitty8403 said:

She's 3. Tantrums happen. Kids get cranky. They melt down. Cut the poor mother some slack. If she's still a horrible brat at, say, 17, then you might have something.

If you invite a toddler to play flower girl, you take the risk that she could be overstimulated or overwhelmed and have a meltdown. That's on you-- not her or her parents. My niece is 3, too. She is not going to be a flower girl.

Now, if you so strongly disapprove of her behavior and her parents' disciplinary style, why on earth would you ask her to be a flower girl in the first place? You already had one, two is completely unnecessary.

So much this! My mother loves to tell the story of me having a meltdown during my parents wedding (I was 2 1/2 and the flower girl).

However, I was not a bad child, and rarely had tantrums. It sounds like OPs future niece is not getting the discipline she needs, and that will not bode well for her in the future.

---
OP is making this child out to be a walking safety hazard with a history of unruly behavior. This is not a new discovery. Were there any true dangers beyond typical toddler troubles, she would NEVER have agreed to include this child in her wedding party and expose her own child to that environment.

I suspect it is much more likely that OP wanted her own daughter to be the center of attention, bowed to family pressure, and is having second thoughts. Now she wants us to validate her decision. No. The situation really is no different than any other question we get about kicking somebody out of the wedding party--it is a relationship damaging, potentially friendship ending move. Insulting the parents in the process just increases the likelihood of this ending badly.

ETA: there is no legitimate reason that a grown woman, who is herself a mother, should act this terrified of a three year old--one she CHOSE to include in her wedding party. It's ridiculous. IF the child has a meltdown, there are parents, attendants, the OP, her FI, extended family, and an entire roomful of other adults who are perfectly capable of swooping her up and taking her to a quiet location to calm down.

kmmssg · May 2014

kitty8403 said:

kitty8403 said:

She's 3. Tantrums happen. Kids get cranky. They melt down. Cut the poor mother some slack. If she's still a horrible brat at, say, 17, then you might have something. If you invite a toddler to play flower girl, you take the risk that she could be overstimulated or overwhelmed and have a meltdown. That's on you-- not her or her parents. My niece is 3, too. She is not going to be a flower girl. Now, if you so strongly disapprove of her behavior and her parents' disciplinary style, why on earth would you ask her to be a flower girl in the first place? You already had one, two is completely unnecessary.

So much this! My mother loves to tell the story of me having a meltdown during my parents wedding (I was 2 1/2 and the flower girl).

However, I was not a bad child, and rarely had tantrums. It sounds like OPs future niece is not getting the discipline she needs, and that will not bode well for her in the future.
--- OP is making this child out to be a walking safety hazard with a history of unruly behavior. This is not a new discovery. Were there any true dangers beyond typical toddler troubles, she would NEVER have agreed to include this child in her wedding party and expose her own child to that environment. I suspect it is much more likely that OP wanted her own daughter to be the center of attention, bowed to family pressure, and is having second thoughts. Now she wants us to validate her decision. No. The situation really is no different than any other question we get about kicking somebody out of the wedding party--it is a relationship damaging, potentially friendship ending move. Insulting the parents in the process just increases the likelihood of this ending badly. ETA: there is no legitimate reason that a grown woman, who is herself a mother, should act this terrified of a three year old--one she CHOSE to include in her wedding party. It's ridiculous. IF the child has a meltdown, there are parents, attendants, the OP, her FI, extended family, and an entire roomful of other adults who are perfectly capable of swooping her up and taking her to a quiet location to calm down.

I am sorry Kitty but I disagree and think out outlook is a bit harsh here. I don't see this as OP's motive being that her child is not the only FG.

I see, "We recently saw her biting and attempting to claw peoples eyes out (no exaggeration). She is a major tantrum thrower including screaming and kicking and well you get the point. Now in my family behavior like that is not acceptable and would be quickly punished, but my fiances family is very passive and pretty much lets her be wild without any consequence or attempt to control her."

and

" but his mother kept hinting at the idea of his niece being a flower girl too and so I kind of felt obligated to make her a flower girl."

OP got caught up in being a people pleaser. Happens a lot with weddings.

3 year olds DO have tantrums and meltdowns but if they have them repeatedly (and the child is not a special needs child) then the parents are to blame. The consequences of the tantrum guide how that child handles things in the future. My girls threw tantrums but it was a pretty limited number and ended quickly because we dealt swiftly with them with consequences and we were consistent. That crap did not fly with my parents and it didn't fly with me either. If a parent deals with it it will stop and you won't have a 3 year old who is biting and trying to scratch eyes out.

My son has Asperger's. I know what a tantrum can look like. And with the proper guidance from an amazing Autism team in our school district we learned how to help him and even those became incredibly minimal. That is because we recognized the signs and learned to diffuse the situation. We parented.

People who take little or no serious action when their kid bites, scratches others in the eyes raise bratty children. I don't think OP's motive is purely based on her child not being the only FG.

Edited to fix typos

Jen4948 · May 2014

kitty8403 said:

kitty8403 said:

She's 3. Tantrums happen. Kids get cranky. They melt down. Cut the poor mother some slack. If she's still a horrible brat at, say, 17, then you might have something. If you invite a toddler to play flower girl, you take the risk that she could be overstimulated or overwhelmed and have a meltdown. That's on you-- not her or her parents. My niece is 3, too. She is not going to be a flower girl. Now, if you so strongly disapprove of her behavior and her parents' disciplinary style, why on earth would you ask her to be a flower girl in the first place? You already had one, two is completely unnecessary.

So much this! My mother loves to tell the story of me having a meltdown during my parents wedding (I was 2 1/2 and the flower girl).

However, I was not a bad child, and rarely had tantrums. It sounds like OPs future niece is not getting the discipline she needs, and that will not bode well for her in the future.
--- OP is making this child out to be a walking safety hazard with a history of unruly behavior. This is not a new discovery. Were there any true dangers beyond typical toddler troubles, she would NEVER have agreed to include this child in her wedding party and expose her own child to that environment. I suspect it is much more likely that OP wanted her own daughter to be the center of attention, bowed to family pressure, and is having second thoughts. Now she wants us to validate her decision. No. The situation really is no different than any other question we get about kicking somebody out of the wedding party--it is a relationship damaging, potentially friendship ending move. Insulting the parents in the process just increases the likelihood of this ending badly. ETA: there is no legitimate reason that a grown woman, who is herself a mother, should act this terrified of a three year old--one she CHOSE to include in her wedding party. It's ridiculous. IF the child has a meltdown, there are parents, attendants, the OP, her FI, extended family, and an entire roomful of other adults who are perfectly capable of swooping her up and taking her to a quiet location to calm down.

Apparently the parents can't be counted on to do this, and why the hell should the OP or her FI swoop up a misbehaving child to take her to a quiet location to calm down-on their wedding day? The only persons responsible for doing this are the kid's parents, who clearly can't be counted on to do this.

And sorry, but terrified is not the reaction the OP has to this kid-annoyed and irritated is. And again sorry, but she is entitled to feel like that about any kid who is not properly parented. And still again sorry, but she is entitled to expect the parents to do their job and properly parent their kid. It would be rude of her to actually ask them to do it in advance, but it is not something she has to ignore-or should ignore, because that's bad hosting of her other guests.

mysticl · May 2014

saacjw said:

So, I'll say this from my wedding- if the kid starts freaking out, there is a chance you won't notice it. My ring bearers started crawling up the aisle to collect the flower petals that the flower girl dropped (on her orders, btw) and I had literally no idea this happened until my aunt told me about it later. Big major distraction, and not only did I have no idea, but there's not even pictures or anything because my photographer assumed I wouldn't want to memorialize the distractions. Kids throwing fits, acting out, doing something weird- all things you cannot control, so put it on your don't worry about it list.

Apparently one of my flower girls sat down and started playing. We had given her a bride and groom teddy bear to carry instead of flowers and what else do you do with teddy bears but play with them? I never noticed, I've only been told about it.

selenathegreat · May 2014

I think having your coordinator prepared to whisper a suggestion in a parent's ear if the kid flies off the handle and is not being dealt with is a good idea. I wish somebody had done that at my last choral concert. Also, though, I was at a wedding last year with dogs in the ceremony (sigh) who barked through the whole thing, and know what? It was still beautiful and moving and great.

Jen4948 · May 2014

mysticl said:

saacjw said:

So, I'll say this from my wedding- if the kid starts freaking out, there is a chance you won't notice it. My ring bearers started crawling up the aisle to collect the flower petals that the flower girl dropped (on her orders, btw) and I had literally no idea this happened until my aunt told me about it later. Big major distraction, and not only did I have no idea, but there's not even pictures or anything because my photographer assumed I wouldn't want to memorialize the distractions. Kids throwing fits, acting out, doing something weird- all things you cannot control, so put it on your don't worry about it list.

Apparently one of my flower girls sat down and started playing. We had given her a bride and groom teddy bear to carry instead of flowers and what else do you do with teddy bears but play with them? I never noticed, I've only been told about it.

And there is a chance you will notice it. And sorry, but kids throwing fits, acting out, doing something weird-if it does disrupt the ceremony, you bet it will be noticed and it needs to be stopped immediately. And yes, if it's loud and/or really conspicuous, it can disrupt the ceremony.

RebeccaB88 · May 2014

kmmssg said

If I was your sibling I would take one for the team in a heartbeat to help set up the scenario. I am sure many will not agree with that and that is fine, but the idea that all parents know when to remove their child is a fairy tale in my book. All I have to do is go grocery shopping and watch some parents.

Ditto and tritto! Everyone says that the parents will know to remove the unruly child. My experience is that 90% of them (at least, I'm being generous here) will not do it, whether they know they should or not. I don't trust parents to do it anymore because I just plain don't ever see it happening. I'm talking about both friends, family, and strangers. Whatever fantasy world you guys live in where parents always address their kids behavior in public, I want into. It just doesn't happen in the real world.

My cousin has 3 of the most atrociously behaved kids you could ever imagine. She will not remove them from a situation nor will she address their behavior, and would be upset if asked to do so. Therefore, her kids don't get invited to things anymore. They are disruptive, distracting, attention monopolizing, and just plain rude. There are consequences of having poorly behaved kids. No way in hell would I invite them to an important event anymore. And if she asked why, I'd have no problem telling her.

jdluvr06 · May 2014

I'm going to throw this out there. If I knew someone who had unruly children and did nothing about it (chances are the kid is unruly because the parent does nothing about it) then I probably wouldn't invite the parents to anything either. In my circle kids are always part of invitations and if your kid doesn't behave and isn't welcomed then neither are the parents.

kids ruining the moment!?!?!?

Re: kids ruining the moment!?!?!?

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