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still no date set.... been engage since Nov 2013

rashidasrashidas member
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in Just Engaged and Proposals
I have been engaged since Nov. 2013.  He is older than me. When I ask him about a date in mind he says he has somethings he needs to take care of first. We are not having a wedding because we rather have a house. But I will still like to know when we are saying I DO. When I look at dresses and show him he is uninterested by wedding dresses, but when I show him a dress for anything else he is interested and loves it. I know he wants to marry me or he would not have spend his money on a ring.  Should I be concerned that we have not set a date yet? 
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Re: still no date set.... been engage since Nov 2013

  • emmyg65emmyg65 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    You should talk to him, not to us. Some people have different ideas of what engagement means. For me, it was a time to plan our wedding as quickly as possible. For others, it's more of a nebulous level of commitment somewhere between dating and being married and the desire to actually get married is more urgent. What are you FH's views on engagement? What does he need to be ready to start planning? What are your priorities and goals together? Talk talk talk. To each other.
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  • chibiyuichibiyui member
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    Talk to him. Are you eloping? Going to tge JOP? What does he want, what "things" need to be taken care of?
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  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
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    rashidas said:
    I have been engaged since Nov. 2013.  He is older than me. When I ask him about a date in mind he says he has somethings he needs to take care of first. We are not having a wedding because we rather have a house. But I will still like to know when we are saying I DO. When I look at dresses and show him he is uninterested by wedding dresses, but when I show him a dress for anything else he is interested and loves it. I know he wants to marry me or he would not have spend his money on a ring.  Should I be concerned that we have not set a date yet? 
    What "things" is he talking about? Do you know about these "things"? Are they things you are mutually agreeing upon to handle pre-marriage?

    What does he say when you say, "I'm concerned we haven't set a date yet. Can we talk about timing and set a goal?"

    How much older than you?
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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
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    Are you sure he really wants marriage?  I have a cousin who was engaged for 12 years, but no marriage plans.  Some men don't really want things to change.
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  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle member
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    You need to talk to him. Ask him what things need to be taken care of. When does he see the wedding happening. 

    Honestly, it concerns me that he's not being direct with you about what things need to be taken care of and that you seem unsure of how to approach him. 
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  • fourtsixand2fourtsixand2 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    For what it's worth, you've been engaged 5 months, which in the grand scheme of things isn't a lifetime.  Yes, he proposed for a reason.  Men sometimes just want to show up to a wedding and not have to deal with it which is maybe why there hasn't been much talk of where to go from here.
    I agree with PP - talk to him.  We can't tell you what he's thinking.
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  • mimiphinmimiphin member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I got engaged in Nov 2013 too!

    We still don't have a date yet, but are thinking sometime on a saturday in Sept 2015.

    You need to talk to your FI like PP's have said.

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  • rashidasrashidas member
    First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thanks guys!! we have talked and it always a disagreement about the subject. He has said after he so how dramatic his co worker was acting about dress fitting, that after he takes care of all the things he needs to take care of we can of to the JOP.  some of the things is his bills. He is 48 im 34. If it doesnt happen by the end of this year, they I will say something to him again. 
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  • manateehuggermanateehugger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    rashidas said:
    Thanks guys!! we have talked and it always a disagreement about the subject. He has said after he so how dramatic his co worker was acting about dress fitting, that after he takes care of all the things he needs to take care of we can of to the JOP.  some of the things is his bills. He is 48 im 34. If it doesnt happen by the end of this year, they I will say something to him again. 
    So he gets upset when you try to set a date? Can you even agree upon a season?

    And his co-workers drama is the excuse he is giving you? What does that even mean? And again, what things does he need to take care of? Do you know what these things are?

    And you're willing to take another 8 months of him blowing you off? I don't think it's a huge deal that you don't have a date set yet, but I do think it's a huge deal that you'd like to set a date and he's giving you the runaround.
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  • emmyg65emmyg65 member
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    Why are you letting your desires be so secondary to those of your partner? He's brushing you off with pretty lame excuses and you're okay with waiting on whatever to get something you very much want. Is that a dynamic you want to have in your marriage?
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  • mbross3mbross3 member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment
    Is any of this making you happy? I mean, it sounds like you want to marry this guy, he asked you to marry him, and now whenever you bring up the subject of said marriage, he blows you off. This is not healthy communication. Why are you willing to wait to the end of the year? Why does your FI get to dictate the communication about the wedding? 

    If your plan is to go the JOP (and you're both happy with that plan) that doesn't require much in the way of saving for a wedding. Are his bills so substantial that he can't afford to go to the JOP to get married? Now if you live in a communal-property state and you both want to be debt-free going into your marriage, that I understand (so that you aren't saddled with half of his debt the minute you're married). However, if that's the case, I would have a serious conversation with your FI about finances and saving for retirement, etc. If he's 50 years old and has such substantial debt that he can't afford to go to the JOP, I would be questioning whether he has the ability to regulate his finances and whether you want to pool your own finances in with his. Money can be hard to talk about, but it sounds like you have to initiate that conversation. 
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  • sarawifenowsarawifenow member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its

    I am seeing a ton of red flags here. Like @PDKH mentioned, what does his co-worker have to do with anything?

    Maybe there is a bigger issue here that he isn't divulging.

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  • fourtsixand2fourtsixand2 member
    5 Love Its First Comment
    rashidas said:
    Thanks guys!! we have talked and it always a disagreement about the subject. He has said after he so how dramatic his co worker was acting about dress fitting, that after he takes care of all the things he needs to take care of we can of to the JOP.  some of the things is his bills. He is 48 im 34. If it doesnt happen by the end of this year, they I will say something to him again. 
    This is just my opinion, but having read your ages I immediately thought that might have something to do with it.  He's 48 ... to me that seems a little past the age of having that desire to run off and get married.  He's an 'older' groom, so I could see there not being that drive to get it over and done with.  You, on the other hand, are about my age and you don't want to wait any longer.  If you're anything like me, you have life events and goals you want to get a move on and you don't like the idea of taking it slowly at his pace.

    Just my two cents ... I think his age might be a factor for his lack of motivation to get excited and rush into a wedding.
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  • rashidasrashidas member
    First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    we have a season.... summer.  
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  • mrsamandalynnmrsamandalynn member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    I got engaged a month later and I'm in the same boat.
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  • rashidasrashidas member
    First Comment First Anniversary Name Dropper
    lol.... we talked about it and he explained he wanted to wait until his bills are paid. So August we will talk about it again.
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  • doeydodoeydo member
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    Until his bills are paid.  So he has a debt?  How much?  Does he have a plan for paying them off (ie. a monthly budget and amount to put towards his debt every month or whatever)?  How long will it take for them to be paid off?
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  • ktbee21ktbee21 member
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    Girl, everyone has their own pace. I`ve been engaged since May of 2013, and we still dont have a date! We are thinking Summer 2015, but who knows! Their are too many venues, options, etc that we decided to take our time. After all, when the wedding is over, its over. And you want that 1 special day to be perfect, so why not enjoy being engaged for a while? Why rush?

    Look at magazines, pintrest, photos, and just get ideas. Go to venues and look. I know its annoying when people ask your date, but dont sweat you're not the only one! Plus, it costs a hell of a lot more than you probably think for every little detail, so the more time you have to save, the better!

    Good luck, and remember not to worry!
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