Gifts for a "give-us-money" couple?

kitsunegari89 · April 2014

Some good friends of mine from college are getting married. I need to send them a gift of some kind in part because I love them dearly, and in part because I just got married and they sent me a gift and it's a nice thing to return the gesture. I went to their website, and they have a honeyfund, which I despise and think is tacky. I will let them off the hook (I know... I know) and say they have been living together for quite a while and I can sortof see where they are coming from with not wanting more stuff, but I still don't want to send them money because I don't have much. What should I do? Should I buy them a thing even though they don't want things, or should I send them money because that seems to be what they want? Or should I not get them anything on principle? These are good friends of mine, and I don't want to be petty about something like this. I guess I could give them money for their trip or something... or an Amazon gift card, right?

Thoughts, ladies (and gents)?

kitsunegari89 · April 2014

I know they love their indoor plants, so I was thinking of getting them some cool, wall-mounted planters for inside their house and calling it a day.

KeptInStitches · April 2014

A giant metal chicken.

Okay, non-snarky response: if they like plants and don't have wall-mounted planters, that would be a good gift for them.

Inkdancer · April 2014

I like the planters idea. In this case, I'd do the same thing I'd do if there are no registry items left in my price range--you get a nice thing that I'd consider buying for your birthday.

thisismynickname2 · April 2014

For people like that, either suck it up and send them a check or, perhaps, buy them a certificate for something they'd enjoy. Tickets to a concert, symphony, play, or whatever if they're those kinds of people. Perhaps a certificate to a fancy restaurant you know they want to try....

Simply Fated · April 2014

I think the planters idea is fine.

littlemushroom · April 2014

If they had a regular registry that was out of items in your price range, would you give cash? I don't think a good reason not to give cash is that you don't have much. Give them however much you would spend on a physical item. They would appreciate the cash more than any more stuff they don't need.

kitsunegari89 · April 2014

Okay, I got them trove of heirloom vegetable seeds and flowering bulbs. I know they're both into gardening. I put "To a verdant life together" on the card. Hopefully they don't hate me. I know they didn't want/need china, kitchenaid mixers and all, but I just felt like $45 is more impressive in seeds and flower bulbs than it is in cash and I hate giving people cash.

JCbride2015 · April 2014

mrshutzler said:

Okay, I got them trove of heirloom vegetable seeds and flowering bulbs. I know they're both into gardening. I put "To a verdant life together" on the card. Hopefully they don't hate me. I know they didn't want/need china, kitchenaid mixers and all, but I just felt like $45 is more impressive in seeds and flower bulbs than it is in cash and I hate giving people cash.

I think that sounds great. I'm the same way-- if I'm giving less than $50, I just feel like I don't want to give that in cash or a gift card for fear of looking cheap. But if you can get a good deal and spend it on something nice to open, it seems like "more" gift. And this sounds really thoughtful and like something they would enjoy.

cupcait927 · April 2014

@mrshutzler that sounds like a fabulous gift!

emmyg65 · April 2014

That's a lovely gift.

Just like invitations aren't subpoenas, registries aren't mandatory. So you're always free to pick out something you think the recipient will like.

mbross3 · April 2014

I think that's a great gift! It seems like you really gave it some thought. I will NEVER give to a "honeyfund" or similar, so I totally understand your reasoning.

Gifts aren't required, of course it's the nice thing to do, but they should never be expected by the couple. Some people just are not comfortable with giving cash and if a couple does not register, they are taking on the risk of getting gifts that they don't want/need.

OP in your case I would be touched that you put thought and effort into picking something!

MuppetOverlord · April 2014

I think $45 is a nice gift.
I think seeds and plants are a nice gift.

One of my cousins sent us a card with $20 and said she doesn't have much money, but wanted to buy the newlyweds a drink on our honeymoon. We got a kick out of that and sent her a text with a photo of us enjoying a drink on our moon.

grumbledore · April 2014

NikkiJay3333 said:

If they had a regular registry that was out of items in your price range, would you give cash? I don't think a good reason not to give cash is that you don't have much. Give them however much you would spend on a physical item. They would appreciate the cash more than any more stuff they don't need.

Um, what? Not having much cash is a perfectly valid reason not to gift cash. In fact, all of the following are perfectly valid reasons not to give cash:

Because you don't have any;
Because you don't want to;
Because they are gift-grabby little brats;
Because the sky is blue.

If they were good friends of mine, I would probably give a physical gift with a gift receipt so they could exchange it if it wasn't their style. But I do not give cash to people who ask for it. I do give it to everyone else.

kitsunegari89 · April 2014

Thanks, guys! I'm glad that it's 100% acceptable to stray from a registry for personal or financial reasons. Just because they're my friends doesn't mean I have to gift them cash via honeyfund, which I know skims off the top anyway... I'd rather 100% of my gift spending money go towards the couple. I hate it for other reasons, too, of course. Like the fact that it's horrifically tacky, but I will overlook tackiness for the sake of longstanding friendship.

They also had a hipster/shabby chic/boho wedding. There was lots of pennant flag bunting, burlap, mason jars, mismatched bowties, and twine. *pukes*

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Speaking as someone who has 30-odd indoor plants, I think that's an AWESOME gift. I would have loved to have gotten something like that.

Inkdancer · April 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Speaking as someone who has 30-odd indoor plants, I think that's an AWESOME gift. I would have loved to have gotten something like that.

Teach me your plant-fu. My bamboo just kicked the planter bucket.

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Inkdancer said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Speaking as someone who has 30-odd indoor plants, I think that's an AWESOME gift. I would have loved to have gotten something like that.

Teach me your plant-fu. My bamboo just kicked the planter bucket.

Uhm...good light, a green thumb, dumb luck, lots of trial and error, Miracle-Gro indoor plant food (and potting soil formulated for indoor plants). Also, I have killed every bamboo plant I've ever had. I'm lousy with them.

Same with succulents and cacti, actually. On the other hand, my philodendron takes up the entire window in our spare room and our spider plant has been subdivided more times than I can count.

thesummersky · April 2014

If I knew money was what they wanted or needed, and could afford it, then I probably would give them cash. That said, the indoor garden idea is so thoughtful! I'd love that as a gift!

Aray82 · April 2014

mrshutzler said:

Okay, I got them trove of heirloom vegetable seeds and flowering bulbs. I know they're both into gardening. I put "To a verdant life together" on the card. Hopefully they don't hate me. I know they didn't want/need china, kitchenaid mixers and all, but I just felt like $45 is more impressive in seeds and flower bulbs than it is in cash and I hate giving people cash.

That sounds lovely and thoughtful! I'm in the same boat as you. A few different groups of friends to whom I'd like to give a gift have had honeymoon and even just blatant "give us cash to make our trip extra special and here's our bank account number!" requests on websites of late. Usually I can't afford more than $45/50 and to me it just feels cheaper to give cash for that amount even though it costs exactly the same, ya know? Even if I just give a gift card. I like giving gifts and genuinely want to give gifts for weddings, but at the same time I don't want to support the honeymoon and cash request craze. And I especially don't appreciate being told how or what to give.

littlemushroom · April 2014

@grumbledore because the box isn't working...

If people don't want to give cash, that is fine. No one has to give cash if they don't want to. Maybe they just like giving physical items better. Fine. Maybe they don't want the couple to have their account and routing number that is on a check. Fine. They broke etiquette by requesting cash, so now you don't want to give them cash. Also fine.

I also think "I don't have a lot" is a great reason not to give a gift at all. Or to give only a card with a nice note. Gifts aren't required.

But I think the specific reason of "I can't give that much" is not a good one, especially if you are buying a physical gift and double especially if you are including a gift receipt. If the couple exchanges/returns the physical gift, they still know exactly how much was spent. Five minutes on google would tell them how much the gift was worth too. How does giving, for example, $25 worth of stuff look any different than a $25 check? You are still gifting the same amount and the couple could easily know that was the amount gifted.

Basically, the idea that giving a physical gift hides the amount spent more than writing a check for the same amount is incorrect. I think since the couple can know how much you spent even if you give a physical gift, the idea that it's not enough to give as a check is silly. If a couple can use cash more than stuff, then $25 in cash will always be appreciated. Couples should be happy with whatever amount they receive. There is no gift too small. And frankly, if people would judge a person for not giving "enough" cash, they would also judge the person for not spending "enough" on the physical gift.

My point is that the amount of the cash gift should not matter, to either the giver or the receiver. It's the thought that counts, and giving cash to people who would rather have cash than more stuff is always thoughtful.

Cookie Pusher · April 2014

I'm terrible with indoor plants, but I've managed to keep my snake plant alive or over 11 years. We thought it kicked the bucket a few times (we forgot to water it for a few months, it got accidentally left out on the porch during an early-season snow/frost, etc.), but it always came back stronger than ever.

Also, I approve of the seeds/bulbs gift! I would love if someone gave me a gift like that!

theartistformerlyknownas · April 2014

We'll keep an eye on the advice columns for people complaining about your gift ala the picnic basket fiasco. ;-)

Seriously though, that's an awesome gift. But it needs a cutesy poem.

OK apparently I can't be serious.

csuave · April 2014

NikkiJay3333 said:

@grumbledore because the box isn't working...

If people don't want to give cash, that is fine. No one has to give cash if they don't want to. Maybe they just like giving physical items better. Fine. Maybe they don't want the couple to have their account and routing number that is on a check. Fine. They broke etiquette by requesting cash, so now you don't want to give them cash. Also fine.

I also think "I don't have a lot" is a great reason not to give a gift at all. Or to give only a card with a nice note. Gifts aren't required.

But I think the specific reason of "I can't give that much" is not a good one, especially if you are buying a physical gift and double especially if you are including a gift receipt. If the couple exchanges/returns the physical gift, they still know exactly how much was spent. Five minutes on google would tell them how much the gift was worth too. How does giving, for example, $25 worth of stuff look any different than a $25 check? You are still gifting the same amount and the couple could easily know that was the amount gifted.

Basically, the idea that giving a physical gift hides the amount spent more than writing a check for the same amount is incorrect. I think since the couple can know how much you spent even if you give a physical gift, the idea that it's not enough to give as a check is silly. If a couple can use cash more than stuff, then $25 in cash will always be appreciated. Couples should be happy with whatever amount they receive. There is no gift too small. And frankly, if people would judge a person for not giving "enough" cash, they would also judge the person for not spending "enough" on the physical gift.

My point is that the amount of the cash gift should not matter, to either the giver or the receiver. It's the thought that counts, and giving cash to people who would rather have cash than more stuff is always thoughtful.

Well said @nikkijay333, I totally agree. Any gift at any value is thoughtful and generous.

You never see someone on the boards say cash is a good gift but only if it is more than $10 (or whatever amount). Instead what you will frequently see is people saying that everyone knows that cash is a good gift--plain and simple.

CheleLyn · April 2014

mrshutzler said:

Okay, I got them trove of heirloom vegetable seeds and flowering bulbs. I know they're both into gardening. I put "To a verdant life together" on the card. Hopefully they don't hate me. I know they didn't want/need china, kitchenaid mixers and all, but I just felt like $45 is more impressive in seeds and flower bulbs than it is in cash and I hate giving people cash.

I would totally LOVE this gift!

mazilora · April 2014

That's a fantastic gift! Many of our friends are grad students (read: basically no money) and one of my friends mentioned that he was going to treat us to a baseball game (Pirates tickets are cheaper than most other MLB) as our wedding gift. Off-registry items can be great if you know the couple and their interests well.

If anyone is looking for an unkillable plant, I highly recommend spider plants. I have one I've had for 15 years, through 5+ moves, and my sister (who claims she kills every plant) has managed to keep one of the babies alive for 2 years. Plus, they throw off more babies if you don't take good care of them (kind of a cool evolutionary instinct), so if you are starting to kill it, it makes more! Mine didn't throw off any babies until I was in college because I actually watered it on a regular basis before then...

grumbledore · April 2014

NikkiJay3333 said:

@grumbledore because the box isn't working...

If people don't want to give cash, that is fine. No one has to give cash if they don't want to. Maybe they just like giving physical items better. Fine. Maybe they don't want the couple to have their account and routing number that is on a check. Fine. They broke etiquette by requesting cash, so now you don't want to give them cash. Also fine.

I also think "I don't have a lot" is a great reason not to give a gift at all. Or to give only a card with a nice note. Gifts aren't required.

But I think the specific reason of "I can't give that much" is not a good one, especially if you are buying a physical gift and double especially if you are including a gift receipt. If the couple exchanges/returns the physical gift, they still know exactly how much was spent. Five minutes on google would tell them how much the gift was worth too. How does giving, for example, $25 worth of stuff look any different than a $25 check? You are still gifting the same amount and the couple could easily know that was the amount gifted.

Basically, the idea that giving a physical gift hides the amount spent more than writing a check for the same amount is incorrect. I think since the couple can know how much you spent even if you give a physical gift, the idea that it's not enough to give as a check is silly. If a couple can use cash more than stuff, then $25 in cash will always be appreciated. Couples should be happy with whatever amount they receive. There is no gift too small. And frankly, if people would judge a person for not giving "enough" cash, they would also judge the person for not spending "enough" on the physical gift.

My point is that the amount of the cash gift should not matter, to either the giver or the receiver. It's the thought that counts, and giving cash to people who would rather have cash than more stuff is always thoughtful.

This is totally incorrect. For example, I get emails from Bed Bath and Beyond - so I can usually go in and pick up an item for 20% below retail. Or I can go to Macy's and buy something when it's on sale, with a great coupon, and sometimes maybe pay half what I would have if I wasn't smart about it.

Or I can find the same item at a TJ Maxx or Home Goods or Marshall's if I'm lucky.

Pretty much everyone can "use cash" more than stuff. But if you ASK me for cash, there is no way in hell I am going to give it to you, because you are being incredibly gauche and rude.

Laddy92 · April 2014

You will waste money buying a "thing" when they do not want or need things. Whether you buy a "thing" or bestow a gift card or money, money will be spent. Oftentimes people feel that buying a thing masks the amount of money spent, but we are all consumers and can estimate. If you plan to spend $50 buying any item, that same $50 will be appreicated in cash/grift card as well. Also, they know you just got married too and may not have much money to bestow. While, even if you buy an item, they will appreciate the gesture- why do it knowing that it is likely to go unused or returned. Don't complicate things, they indicate a preference for money-give that.

grumbledore · April 2014

NikkiJay3333 - just adding - I agree with you, a couple should be gracious no matter what the gift. But as a giver, and the OP is the giver in this scenario, I do want to be perceived as cheap, so if money were an issue, I would try to maximize my gift giving ability by taking advantage of sales/coupons on a physical item rather than giving a small cash gift.

kitsunegari89 · April 2014

grumbledore said:

NikkiJay3333 said:

@grumbledore because the box isn't working...

If people don't want to give cash, that is fine. No one has to give cash if they don't want to. Maybe they just like giving physical items better. Fine. Maybe they don't want the couple to have their account and routing number that is on a check. Fine. They broke etiquette by requesting cash, so now you don't want to give them cash. Also fine.

I also think "I don't have a lot" is a great reason not to give a gift at all. Or to give only a card with a nice note. Gifts aren't required.

But I think the specific reason of "I can't give that much" is not a good one, especially if you are buying a physical gift and double especially if you are including a gift receipt. If the couple exchanges/returns the physical gift, they still know exactly how much was spent. Five minutes on google would tell them how much the gift was worth too. How does giving, for example, $25 worth of stuff look any different than a $25 check? You are still gifting the same amount and the couple could easily know that was the amount gifted.

Basically, the idea that giving a physical gift hides the amount spent more than writing a check for the same amount is incorrect. I think since the couple can know how much you spent even if you give a physical gift, the idea that it's not enough to give as a check is silly. If a couple can use cash more than stuff, then $25 in cash will always be appreciated. Couples should be happy with whatever amount they receive. There is no gift too small. And frankly, if people would judge a person for not giving "enough" cash, they would also judge the person for not spending "enough" on the physical gift.

My point is that the amount of the cash gift should not matter, to either the giver or the receiver. It's the thought that counts, and giving cash to people who would rather have cash than more stuff is always thoughtful.

This is totally incorrect. For example, I get emails from Bed Bath and Beyond - so I can usually go in and pick up an item for 20% below retail. Or I can go to Macy's and buy something when it's on sale, with a great coupon, and sometimes maybe pay half what I would have if I wasn't smart about it.

Or I can find the same item at a TJ Maxx or Home Goods or Marshall's if I'm lucky.

Pretty much everyone can "use cash" more than stuff. But if you ASK me for cash, there is no way in hell I am going to give it to you, because you are being incredibly gauche and rude.

THIS^^^ I am amazing at finding deals, and I can make $50 go waaaaaay farther than most people would think. Between Amazon and my Sally's Beauty supply couponing and membership card, I give my girlfriends impressive b-day gifts without breaking my wallet. I bought all their seeds and bulbs from Burgess, which has amazing deals on the regular if you aren't looking for something specific and don't mind mixed colors of ranunculus bulbs as opposed to a single color... that sort of thing. I will be 100% surprised if they aren't thrilled. It's not like I bought them a blender, LOL

Viczaesar · April 2014

Laddy92 said:

You will waste money buying a "thing" when they do not want or need things. Whether you buy a "thing" or bestow a gift card or money, money will be spent. Oftentimes people feel that buying a thing masks the amount of money spent, but we are all consumers and can estimate. If you plan to spend $50 buying any item, that same $50 will be appreicated in cash/grift card as well. Also, they know you just got married too and may not have much money to bestow. While, even if you buy an item, they will appreciate the gesture- why do it knowing that it is likely to go unused or returned. Don't complicate things, they indicate a preference for money-give that.

No. I get to decide how I spend my money, and if I spend my money at all. Nobody but me gets to decide how or what I gift somebody.

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