officiant/religion FMIL issue

HisGirlFriday13 · April 2014

Jen4948 said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Simply Fated said:

Learning!
This is the fun kind of learning that I like!

Happy to help!

I'm reminded of the Tom Lehrer song "The Vatican Rag" right now.

I've never heard it or heard of it. I'll have to look it up on YouTube.

CMGragain · April 2014

It's hilarious!

"First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!"

lyndausvi · April 2014

MuppetOverlord said:

Plan the ceremony that you want together. This is your wedding and it should have the meaning that you want it to have.

With that said, my friends who are athiest, were married outside of a church, but allowed her father to select the officiant, whom they knew would be from the church. He selected a monk who performed the most beautiful, meaningful ceremony that I have ever witnessed (and I am Athiest as well) and even thinking about it makes me tear up. They did not have to go to any classes and were very grateful to have had him officiate. They took from the ceremony what was meaningful to them.

She lost a child 2 years ago and they asked the monk to preside over the burial as well because she felt he had connected their lives.

So just food for thought. I do agree that if your MIL chooses to press, your fiance has to have a discussion with her about his views on religion.

We were both raised Catholic, but not practicing. We did not get married in the church. Oddly, my parents were fine (I had always dreamed of a beach wedding and they knew that). DH's mom (who has been divorced twice, no annulments) was pretty upset.

My dad found a former priest, but still a practicing Catholic, to marry us. It's not in anyway recognized by the church, but somehow made everyone "happy" that someone attached to the church had anything to do with our ceremony.

We are not anti-Catholic, anti-Christian or anti- any religion for that matter. We just choose not to attend any church.

longislandpony · April 2014

I have a similar issue that we were recently able to resolve. My fiancé and I are both Catholics. My step-father(who raised me) is a Unitarian Universalist minister. The FMIL was really upset at the prospect of a UU minister performing the ceremony in a UU church. I would be fine with a Catholic ceremony, but I want someone who is connected to me and my fiancé, so who better than my father? We were able to meet somewhat in the middle by having the FMIL's priest come and bless the marriage. We have paperwork to complete and some hoops to jump through, but my father is performing the marriage ceremony with a Catholic blessing. Maybe her priest can come and say a prayer? It might be enough to make her happy.

[Deleted User] · April 2014

Begin as you mean to continue. If religion isn't a big part of your lives, don't start it out with a relgiously based marriage ceremony. Your FMIL's beliefs are hers and your marriage isn't founded her beliefs, they're founded on yours and your fiance's. He should probably be the one to step up and tell his mother the decision and deal with anything else she might have to say about it (which *should* be nothing).

cambryn · May 2014

I think we came up with a good compromise.

It turns out my fiance's middle brother did NOT have a full-out Catholic wedding. He had a Catholic priest come in and just bless the wedding- that's it- the rest was Episcopalian.

So, we'll probably do the same thing.

We'll be talking more with his brother to see what all this entailed (I do NOT feel comfortable lying to a priest about 'raising kids Catholic' when I have no intention of doing that IF we have kids- so we'll have to see.)

I find getting engaged has brought up all sorts of issues I never even considered. :P

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

cambryn said:

I think we came up with a good compromise.

It turns out my fiance's middle brother did NOT have a full-out Catholic wedding. He had a Catholic priest come in and just bless the wedding- that's it- the rest was Episcopalian.

So, we'll probably do the same thing. We'll be talking more with his brother to see what all this entailed (I do NOT feel comfortable lying to a priest about 'raising kids Catholic' when I have no intention of doing that IF we have kids- so we'll have to see.)

I find getting engaged has brought up all sorts of issues I never even considered. :P

This was either a convalidation (meaning the marriage is recognised by the Catholic church) or it's one of the very rare instances where a priest was allowed to perform any part of a wedding outside of a Catholic church.

FYI, in the Catholic Church, there is no 'just blessing' the wedding. In order to remain in Communion with the Catholic Church, all baptised and confirmed practicing Catholics MUST either have a Catholic wedding OR have a convalidation.

The process for both is the same -- you will have to go through pre-Cana, you will have to commit to raising the children Catholic. For your Catholic FI, this is a commitment to have the kids baptised and given all their sacraments. For you, it's a promise not to interfere with that process.

It's a very big deal if your FI doesn't have the convalidation and is out of Communion with the church, but it's an equally big deal if you and he commit to something you have no intention of following through with.

mysticl · May 2014

I wonder if the brother's priest basically did the mother a favor and just did a blessing over the couple. Kind of like when a non-Catholic goes up for communion.

crunchymamaof2 · May 2014

mysticl said:

I wonder if the brother's priest basically did the mother a favor and just did a blessing over the couple. Kind of like when a non-Catholic goes up for communion.

That's what I was thinking. I'm sure there are retired priests (maybe even current ones) who are willing to simply say a prayer and bless the marriage/wish them luck. I know I've heard of it done before. No actual catholic elements involved, other than the priest being catholic and probably saying a catholic prayer. I'm sure the church as a whole doesn't agree with this but what are they going to do? I don't necessarily agree with this approach (if you're not catholic why have a catholic priest solely to make his mother happy? She's not the one getting married.).

tammym1001 · May 2014

FI's priest is coming to our wedding and is going to do a private blessing over our marriage even though we aren't getting married in the church. Technically, this means that FI is no longer allowed to receive communion; however, it was important to him to have his religion in some part of our ceremony.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

tammym1001 said:

FI's priest is coming to our wedding and is going to do a private blessing over our marriage even though we aren't getting married in the church. Technically, this means that FI is no longer allowed to receive communion; however, it was important to him to have his religion in some part of our ceremony.

@hisgirlfriday13 - I know that all the Catholic rules say you can't take communion, but there is actually a not talked about exception that individual priests are allowed to give that can be approved by the diocese to allow someone who wasn't married in the church the ability to be able to take communion. I only know about it because it was offered to FI as an option by his priest. He said it is not something that they make known and a priest will only tell someone about it if they are in good standing with the church and have some extenuating circumstances as to why they didn't do things the correct way.

There's a reason this is not talked about very often. Also, you said it has to be approved by the diocese. This is still, therefore, coming back into Communion with the Church in some way.

And yes, there is always an exception for extenuating circumstances, but 99.99% of the posts we see on the boards AREN'T extenuating circumstances -- they're people who don't want to go through the process to get the Catholic wedding OR people who want the Catholic element to appease someone else.

When I say someone can't receive communion, what I'm saying is that if you are married outside of the church and you're not taking steps to be brought back into communion with the church and you're not practicing your faith or a member in good standing, you shouldn't take communion.

tammym1001 · May 2014

@hisgirlfriday13 - yeah I realized that after I wrote it and so that's why I deleted it. I didn't see that you had already quoted me. No need for me to let people think they can just go to their church and ask for exceptions. It's been a long day already and I wasn't thinking clearly

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

@tammym1001 -- That's OK! There are obviously all kinds of exceptions to all the rules, even the Catholic Church's rules.

DH, for example, was confirmed on July 13. Not at Easter Vigil, like the rest of the RCIA candidates, and not on the Sunday after Easter, like the rest of the already-baptised-not-yet-confirmed people. He started his RCIA in February, at the beginning of Lent, and he finished it in May, well after all the Easter festivities. So our priest told him, 'Pick a date, preferably a Saturday afternoon Mass because they're less busy, and we'll confirm you.'

DH wanted my parents to be there, so we picked a date that worked for them, and he got confirmed. It was outside the normal bounds, but not against the rules.

So, yeah, there are exceptions like your FI's, but they're rare, and they're not going to solve problems like OP's, where her FMIL doesn't want to acknowledge that her children aren't Catholic.

Also...I hear you on the long.ass.day.

cambryn · May 2014

Well, I sent an email to the FMIL about it, just to get it over with and settle it so I don't have to deal with this anymore.

"Hey FMIL!

I talked with [your middle son] the other day about his wedding. I know he and [his wife' go to Episcopal church, and had an Episcopal wedding, but had a Catholic priest bless it or something? He was a bit vague.

I was curious about how that worked, as I was doing research and I could not figure out the protocol for this.

I definitely respect your faith and would like to have it represented in some way. Please let me know your ideas on this!

Also, thank you again for the adorable hummingbird video!

Love,

Hillary"

Kept it vague, and hope this can get answers (as his brother was less than helpful.)

officiant/religion FMIL issue

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