asking punk friend to tone it down?

MollyandD · May 2014

I just think it's a little silly to ask someone to do much other than wear a certain outfit. You knew what they looked like when you asked them to be in the wedding. It wasn't a big surprise that they like colored hair and tattoos.

KGold80 · May 2014

kroedel87 said:

I was in the EXACT same situation!! Unlike everyone above me, though, I came right out and asked. She's my best friend, I can tease her and joke with her about her punky look. I got a bridesmaids dress that covered all her tats (her arms are bare so it wasn't too difficult), said I would kill her if she got a tattoo on her arms between now and the wedding, made her swear that her hair would be all one color, and in a normal shade. We're still arguing over her many ear piercings but since it's not in her face I don't mind too much. If you can't be honest with your best friend, who can you be honest with? She just laughs!

Are you sure she's laughing because she genuinely thinks it's funny or is she laughing because she doesn't know what to say? I'd seriously question whether or not someone was my "best friend" if she kept harassing me about the way I'd look in her wedding photos. Are you going to pay to have her hair dyed all one color in a normal shade and then pay to have it changed back the way she likes it? You say you're being honest, but I think you might want to consider the fact that you are not loving and accepting your friend for who she is. Instead, you want her to conform to fit with your vision. IMO, you're not being a very good friend.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

kroedel87 said:

I was in the EXACT same situation!! Unlike everyone above me, though, I came right out and asked. She's my best friend, I can tease her and joke with her about her punky look. I got a bridesmaids dress that covered all her tats (her arms are bare so it wasn't too difficult), said I would kill her if she got a tattoo on her arms between now and the wedding, made her swear that her hair would be all one color, and in a normal shade. We're still arguing over her many ear piercings but since it's not in her face I don't mind too much. If you can't be honest with your best friend, who can you be honest with? She just laughs!

She's your best friend, you love her, so long as she conforms to your standards. Yeah, I'd be laughing too. About how I was gonna get a new tattoo and tie-dye my hair right before your wedding. And not tell you.

As someone covered in tats, I'd be pissed if someone asked me to be in their wedding and then said "Oh, but FYI, all tattoos gotta be covered, cause ya know, pictures!" the only way I'd ever be ok with being asked to cover my tattoos is if it were for religious reasons. I can respect that. I can't respect "I love you, but hate your tattoos, be in my wedding and cover them! Kthanksbye!", to me it'd be just as bad as if someone told me I needed to leave FI at home lest someone clutch their pearls over lesbians.

ScoutF · May 2014

kroedel87 said:

I was in the EXACT same situation!! Unlike everyone above me, though, I came right out and asked. She's my best friend, I can tease her and joke with her about her punky look. I got a bridesmaids dress that covered all her tats (her arms are bare so it wasn't too difficult), said I would kill her if she got a tattoo on her arms between now and the wedding, made her swear that her hair would be all one color, and in a normal shade. We're still arguing over her many ear piercings but since it's not in her face I don't mind too much. If you can't be honest with your best friend, who can you be honest with? She just laughs!

You are such a great "friend". And by great, I mean terrible.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

KGold80 said:

kroedel87 said:

I was in the EXACT same situation!! Unlike everyone above me, though, I came right out and asked. She's my best friend, I can tease her and joke with her about her punky look. I got a bridesmaids dress that covered all her tats (her arms are bare so it wasn't too difficult), said I would kill her if she got a tattoo on her arms between now and the wedding, made her swear that her hair would be all one color, and in a normal shade. We're still arguing over her many ear piercings but since it's not in her face I don't mind too much. If you can't be honest with your best friend, who can you be honest with? She just laughs!

Are you sure she's laughing because she genuinely thinks it's funny or is she laughing because she doesn't know what to say? I'd seriously question whether or not someone was my "best friend" if she kept harassing me about the way I'd look in her wedding photos. Are you going to pay to have her hair dyed all one color in a normal shade and then pay to have it changed back the way she likes it? You say you're being honest, but I think you might want to consider the fact that you are not loving and accepting your friend for who she is. Instead, you want her to conform to fit with your vision. IMO, you're not being a very good friend.

This. I laugh when people ask me ridiculous things that offend me. If I respect the question, I just answer it.

kroedel87 · May 2014

kroedel87 said:

I was in the EXACT same situation!! Unlike everyone above me, though, I came right out and asked. She's my best friend, I can tease her and joke with her about her punky look. I got a bridesmaids dress that covered all her tats (her arms are bare so it wasn't too difficult), said I would kill her if she got a tattoo on her arms between now and the wedding, made her swear that her hair would be all one color, and in a normal shade. We're still arguing over her many ear piercings but since it's not in her face I don't mind too much. If you can't be honest with your best friend, who can you be honest with? She just laughs!

She's your best friend, you love her, so long as she conforms to your standards. Yeah, I'd be laughing too. About how I was gonna get a new tattoo and tie-dye my hair right before your wedding. And not tell you.

As someone covered in tats, I'd be pissed if someone asked me to be in their wedding and then said "Oh, but FYI, all tattoos gotta be covered, cause ya know, pictures!" the only way I'd ever be ok with being asked to cover my tattoos is if it were for religious reasons. I can respect that. I can't respect "I love you, but hate your tattoos, be in my wedding and cover them! Kthanksbye!", to me it'd be just as bad as if someone told me I needed to leave FI at home lest someone clutch their pearls over lesbians.

LOL you guys are funny. We are both wonderful friends to each other, which is why she understands how prim and proper I am, and she respects that, and she would die before she purposely sabotaged my wedding. You, however, sound like a terrific friend! Doing everything your best friend asks you not to do. She knows how much I love her. I went to multiple bridal stores to find dresses that could be guaranteed to not have any silk in them because she's a vegan. She knows how much I care about her, and she doesn't bat an eye at what I asked of her. She teases me about it all the time. Relax, guys. Like all relationships, each friendship is unique, and you need to treat them as such.

hellohkb · May 2014

Tattoos will sabotage a wedding? Oooookay then.

kroedel87 · May 2014

hellokellybean said:

Tattoos will sabotage a wedding? Oooookay then.

Noooo, you need to read more clearly. What I said was sabotaging a wedding was promising your friend one thing, and maliciously planning to do the exact opposite just to spite them, as MagicInk suggested she would do.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

kroedel87 said:

kroedel87 said:

I was in the EXACT same situation!! Unlike everyone above me, though, I came right out and asked. She's my best friend, I can tease her and joke with her about her punky look. I got a bridesmaids dress that covered all her tats (her arms are bare so it wasn't too difficult), said I would kill her if she got a tattoo on her arms between now and the wedding, made her swear that her hair would be all one color, and in a normal shade. We're still arguing over her many ear piercings but since it's not in her face I don't mind too much. If you can't be honest with your best friend, who can you be honest with? She just laughs!

She's your best friend, you love her, so long as she conforms to your standards. Yeah, I'd be laughing too. About how I was gonna get a new tattoo and tie-dye my hair right before your wedding. And not tell you.

As someone covered in tats, I'd be pissed if someone asked me to be in their wedding and then said "Oh, but FYI, all tattoos gotta be covered, cause ya know, pictures!" the only way I'd ever be ok with being asked to cover my tattoos is if it were for religious reasons. I can respect that. I can't respect "I love you, but hate your tattoos, be in my wedding and cover them! Kthanksbye!", to me it'd be just as bad as if someone told me I needed to leave FI at home lest someone clutch their pearls over lesbians.
LOL you guys are funny. We are both wonderful friends to each other, which is why she understands how prim and proper I am, and she respects that, and she would die before she purposely sabotaged my wedding. You, however, sound like a terrific friend! Doing everything your best friend asks you not to do. She knows how much I love her. I went to multiple bridal stores to find dresses that could be guaranteed to not have any silk in them because she's a vegan. She knows how much I care about her, and she doesn't bat an eye at what I asked of her. She teases me about it all the time. Relax, guys. Like all relationships, each friendship is unique, and you need to treat them as such.

Actually I'd never really do such a thing. I'd cease being friends with someone who told me I needed to cover my tattoos and not dye my hair and essentially change the entire way I look because it doesn't jive with their "vision" of their "perfect" wedding. Anyone that shallow I wouldn't want their friendship.

Luckily I have great friends who love me for who I am. Even with my tattoos, and blue hair, and lip piercings. And if they ask me to stand up for them, they accept me. All of me.

Lets reverse it. Would you dye your hair blue and slap on a few fake tattoos for your friend's wedding? I mean, you know she's not prim and proper like you.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

kroedel87 said:

hellokellybean said:

Tattoos will sabotage a wedding? Oooookay then.

Noooo, you need to read more clearly. What I said was sabotaging a wedding was promising your friend one thing, and maliciously planning to do the exact opposite just to spite them, as MagicInk suggested she would do.

If your friend showed up looking like herself it would sabotage your wedding? Really? That's the funniest thing I've heard all day.

hellohkb · May 2014

@MagicInk I always wondered that when I hear about brides asking their bridal party to tone down their look. I have two "prim and proper" bridesmaids and I'd never ask them to dye their hair or get some temporary tattoos. I'm also not asking my other bridesmaid to take her lip ring out. I want each of my bridesmaids to feel just as beautiful as I do that day, and I can't imagine they would feel too beautiful if I asked them to change their style to be props at my wedding.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

hellokellybean said:

@MagicInk I always wondered that when I hear about brides asking their bridal party to tone down their look. I have two "prim and proper" bridesmaids and I'd never ask them to dye their hair or get some temporary tattoos. I'm also not asking my other bridesmaid to take her lip ring out. I want each of my bridesmaids to feel just as beautiful as I do that day, and I can't imagine they would feel too beautiful if I asked them to change their style to be props at my wedding.

KGold80 · May 2014

hellokellybean said:
@MagicInk I always wondered that when I hear about brides asking their bridal party to tone down their look. I have two "prim and proper" bridesmaids and I'd never ask them to dye their hair or get some temporary tattoos. I'm also not asking my other bridesmaid to take her lip ring out. I want each of my bridesmaids to feel just as beautiful as I do that day, and I can't imagine they would feel too beautiful if I asked them to change their style to be props at my wedding.

What? So you're supposed to consider things from someone else's perspective? That's novel.

hellohkb · May 2014

I know, right? I mean, ~*~IT'S MY DAY~*~.

thkewedding · May 2014

I feel like this is often a touchy subject. One of my best friends (and BM) is more of a punk girl as well. She has a chest tattoo of a baby bat skeleton, which I absolutely hate. She even kinda hates it and has a cover up tattoo in mind. On the flip side, she has an amazing sleeve of classic horror characters. I was worried at first because my fiancé comes from a very conservative family. She's been one of my best friends for a while and that's more important than hating her tattoo lol. I knew she had these going in, and realistically I can't ask her to cover up who she is. I'd definitely feel like a jerk doing so. So I'd say just let your friend do her thing. Unless the appearance is somehow offensive (those classy middle finger tattoos, swearing tattoos, etc), don't worry what others think. If you're truly worried about it though, just ask her what her plans are.

MollyandD · May 2014

This is a picture of my fiancé and some of the groomsmen. Going toward my wedding, I know now how they look and dress. I expect it, and am well aware that they will shock my conservative family members. Still, I can't imagine asking them to dye their hair a color of my choice, or do make sure no tattoos are visible. My wedding lasts one day. It's not so important that they need to alter their appearances.

If that matters to someone so much, then maybe you shouldn't have asked this person to stand up there with you?

ETA: My fiancé is the one in sunglasses.

PrincessOfHavoc · May 2014

My calf tattoos are going to be visible, I'm going to have weird colored streaks in my hair, and my upper back work is now visible by future grandma request.

Score, I get a do over!!!!!!!!!!

Granted, if a friend mentions hey, conservative family - I don't mind hiding what I can. If a bride is a zilla, I'm showing up in full attire or being a bitch and quitting. I did get why my friend wanted less Smurf hair, she's still a nice friend. If it's black tie, I do know how to play along. But, I'm not indulging your every whim sorry.

wandajune6 · May 2014

My tat won't be visible but the majority of the BP will have visible tats. Our GM will include a guy with mohawk and one with the silliest green tips on his bleach blonde hair.

Our pictures will be awesome! Though I expect some funny looks from the older generations!

artbyallie · May 2014

Molly&Domenic said:

This is a picture of my fiancé and some of the groomsmen. Going toward my wedding, I know now how they look and dress. I expect it, and am well aware that they will shock my conservative family members. Still, I can't imagine asking them to dye their hair a color of my choice, or do make sure no tattoos are visible. My wedding lasts one day. It's not so important that they need to alter their appearances. If that matters to someone so much, then maybe you shouldn't have asked this person to stand up there with you?

Is your fiancé the one with the blue mohawk? Because that guy's hot. The one next to him's pretty good-looking too. Not saying the other two are unattractive, if one of them is your partner, it's just that the punk look on men is not usually my type in general. But it can certainly work.

MollyandD · May 2014

Molly&Domenic said:

This is a picture of my fiancé and some of the groomsmen. Going toward my wedding, I know now how they look and dress. I expect it, and am well aware that they will shock my conservative family members. Still, I can't imagine asking them to dye their hair a color of my choice, or do make sure no tattoos are visible. My wedding lasts one day. It's not so important that they need to alter their appearances. If that matters to someone so much, then maybe you shouldn't have asked this person to stand up there with you?

Is your fiancé the one with the blue mohawk? Because that guy's hot. The one next to him's pretty good-looking too. Not saying the other two are unattractive, if one of them is your partner, it's just that the punk look on men is not usually my type in general. But it can certainly work.

Yeah, haha. My sweetie is the one in sunglasses. The guy next to him has been my friend since we were 18 (I'm 25 now) and he actually pushed me and my fiancé to start dating 6 years ago. It worked out!

hellohkb · May 2014

@Molly&Domenic I agree, they are all super handsome.

MollyandD · May 2014

They are ok... But my fiancé (blue one) is dead sexy. Let's be real here.

ETA: and he will look amazing on our wedding day with a pink stripe down his hair. I am so glad he isn't "toning it down" for the wedding. I fell in love with him as he is. I want him to be comfortable and to look the way he likes to look.

weddingmcgee · May 2014

I realize most people are saying you can't or shouldn't ask your friend to have her hair a certain way because "you knew what she looked like when you asked her" or "it will seem bridezilla". I'd like to offer an alternative position (and sorry if someone else said this, I didn't read through both pages)... I think it depends on the person's personality and if you think it will hurt her feelings. My bridesman (a male in my bridal party) changes his hair color all the time- everything from purple to black to brown to bleach blond. He even dyed it gray once which was weird but actually looked cool. Anyway, I asked him to tone it down for the wedding- nothing neon or too loud and distracting. He was totally fine with it because he will just dye it another color after the wedding anyway. I also asked him not to paint his nails like he usually does because I know it will be upsetting to some people in my family. He was also totally fine with it. If your friend is pretty laid back and you think she won't be hurt by your request, I think it's reasonable to ask her to be herself and let her style shine through, but to tone it down a little for the ceremony and reception.

I came back to edit this because I did want to add that I'm not asking him to completely change who he is or drop all of his personal style altogether because that's a bit dramatic and selfish. I love that my friend is different and stands out. He has fabulous fashion sense. And my bridesmaids that have tattoos will be visible. Even both of my tattoos. I'm not asking anyone anything major, but since he changes his hair all the time anyway, just choose something that isn't going to be distracting. I even think navy blue or dark purple/red would be kinda cool.

Marzipan13 · May 2014

I know I'm late to the party... but since when are "tattoos" and "prim & proper" mutually exclusive?

VulgarGirl · May 2014

weddingmcgee Painted nails on a guy are upsetting? Like seeing a man with painted nails will actually cause someone to become very upset? They just can't handle that?

I also dye my hair a lot. Naturally it's blonde, usually I like to add lots of colorful streaks to it. Every October I dye it pink. And then whenever the "lets dye our hair" bug bites me, I dye it. Right now, it's a blue a faux hawk because I got bored one day. When I was in my best friend's church wedding, it was blonde. All blonde. Not because she asked me to make it blonde, she actually suggested I do red and green (Christmas theme wedding), but because I knew her mom and figured that regular blonde might be better. I also left my zombie stripper shoes at home and wore boring black pumps. Not because anyone asked me to but because I am a grown up and capable of figuring out to dress for functions on my own.

If my friend had sat me down and told me how I needed to look for her wedding, I would have been very hurt.

Again, if you were in your alternative looking friend's wedding, and they said "Hey, I need to you to dye your brown hair blue so you won't upset anyone" would you have no problem with that?

countrygirl061513 · May 2014

Almost all of my BMs had visible tats. Mine was covered during the ceremony by my veil which I removed for the reception. I did make one request of my dad which I now feel bad I did. He had been dying his hair mahogany red which looked absolutely horrible, I did ask him to dye it a normal color which he did because I asked. I very much regret that I didn't let him be himself at the wedding in that regard. Granted he hasn't gone back to the red hair either. And no I didn't tell him I didn't like his hair color. My mom told him it looked awful, but they have been divorced for over 30 years. He is very familiar with her candor.

artbyallie · May 2014

@weddingmcgee, so you're psychic? That must be fun. Seriously though, you can't know for absolute certain you didn't hurt his feelings, though I can almost guarantee you did even if he's too nice to tell you so.

PrincessOfHavoc · May 2014

I came to the conclusion years ago, that when Chuck Liddell fought with pink toenail polish on, nail polish on guys is no longer an issue.

DF will be wearing his black nail polish. Because I say so. Ok, I get a say because he's got the say in my hair. But really, it's because I'm the bride and that's my final say. Because, sweet baby Jesus on a shteek, that's hot on him. As in turn the a/c to 50° hot. And I've got to have my shallow moments. I'd love love love slightly worn and chipped polish (excuse me while I go put my shallow side in the corner) but don't think that's quite right for our wedding.

Dang. Weird colored hair. Multiple visible tattoos that are odd (doodle bat wings, Figment and K-9 snuggled together). Many body modification type piercings, and I'm keeping all mine in. DF is wearing black nail polish.

Off to plan my PPD do over that's not really a PPD because the first was so bad.

asking punk friend to tone it down?

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