Bit of Background is necessary here....
For those who didn't see my post on Chit Chat, BIL died one month and 2 days after our wedding. He was 2 months and a few days younger than me. DH was devastated, SMIL, FIL, extended family, and BIL's Fiancee (who found him at their home) are devastated. Service was the Sunday before Easter. He would have gotten married in 5 months, and they'd just booked the honeymoon. Today marks 3 weeks from date of death. That Friday would have been their mother's 54th bday. I say would have been, bc this past Sunday was the 16th anniversary of her death (car accident).
I'm looking into counseling for DH, (he's agreed to sit down with someone; says he's fine, but I know he's feeling big bro guilt, despite the 5 year age difference, since the jerk minister told him at his mother's funeral it was HIS FAULT she died due to his being a problem kid as a 16 year old). Getting info for Compassionate Friends for FIL and SMIL for when they are ready.
Holding it together myself....but....I feel like a total bitch. Here's why.
BIL was a night shift nurse (as was FSIL). BIL had a known habit of drinking beers then taking Ambien to sleep. All of us commented to him and to FSIL that it was not a good idea to do that, but he did it anyway. From what FSIL and detectives said, there was a whole bunch of medication around BIL (he was in the bathroom when FSIL found him). FSIL, before leaving, mentioned there were other medications in the house. Normally stuff they accidentally bring home in their pockets (an aspirin tab, an extra syringe).
But when SMIL and I checked everything, we found a number of vials of anesthetics, some anti nausea stuff that's normally given to cancer patients, and a drug that if used incorrectly, will cause the heart to beat too fast and shortly thereafter, stop. That drug was found on the dresser, behind the mirror, and a used syringe and needle were on the dresser. As I've come to find out, BIL might have had a saline bag hooked up to him at time of death. BIL and FSIL apparently regularly gave each other IVs, either for fluids when they were sick, or to help with hangovers. All of these drugs were from the hospital, and none should have left the hospital- or they should have been immediately returned.
I'm furious.
I can't go into too much detail, but it's becoming clear FSIL knew and/or participated in BIL's use of these medications for assistance in sleep or illicit purposes. I'm angry at BIL for knowing that this behavior was dangerous, but being so stupid/reckless/arrogant that he made a major error and it cost him his life.
We won't know for a while what the toxicology report will show, but it's looking highly likely that BIL took something he shouldn't have, and died because of it. I know if he could see how much it hurt everyone to lose him, he would never have done such a stupid thing. But I'm angry at him. He knew better, and he did it anyway. I am able to speak calmly and rationally with family (SMIL and DH have admitted they are pissed at him if he did in fact do something this stupid and caused us this much pain) about the matter, but inside, I wish I had him in front of me so I could beat the shit out of him. I'd also like to smack FSIL a few times, as everything shows she KNEW what he was up to, may have used some stuff inappropriately himself, and yet she did nothing to try to stop him, get him treatment, etc. I know she's going to carry guilt and pain over this the rest of her life, but I'm still angry at her.
And that's why I feel like a bitch. I'm angry, but I feel guilty, as there is nothing I can do to change the fact that BIL is gone and it is going to be a long time before I see him again. I feel better having vented this out on the forum, but my in laws have asked for my assistance in finding out what documents still need to be filed with the probate court. I will have to be able to go over everything with them without blowing up about BIL and his completely jackass moronic decision to take something he should not have.
Am I a bitch for being angry? Does this make me a horrible person? I miss BIL, but my whole focus is on taking care of DH- he already lost his mom, and the events that followed messed him up for a long time. I don't want my anger to poison his good memories of good times with his brother, the last of which were celebrating with us at our wedding.