Wedding Woes

BR: am I in denial or is my DCP crazy?

Hi, me again.  Long time no see, but I am in need of objective/blunt feedback, and my IRL friends/family are all too nice for that.  They say everything is fine and I want to believe them, but I'm here for a reality check.

DS will be 7 mo. next week.  (Time flies.)  He has always had great head/neck control (at a few days old, he was already lifting his head to look around for brief periods), and he loves tummy time.  He can sit with support, but will slump and then either wiggle onto his tummy or roll onto his back, depending on which way he slumps.  At his 6 mo. checkup, he was 28+" (98th percentile) and 18+ lbs (79th percentile).  So he was basically the size of an average 1 y.o. at 6 months.  Pedi was happy with his development, no cause for concern.

The lead teacher in his infant room at DC is making an increasingly big deal of his sitting (or lack thereof).  First it was just suggestions for exercises to help strengthen his core, which, fine.  DD was always in the back half of the curve for gross motor--not formally delayed, just slower than average.  Her pedi wasn't worried, we weren't worried, and over time she has caught up to her peers.  So with that precedent, Mr. Heff and I weren't concerned about DS, either.  Particularly since both kids have always been very tall for their age, and DD inherited my bad sense of balance.  So DS already has a high center of gravity, and if it turns out he has my poor balance too, then he'll definitely have to work harder to sit independently.  We incorporated the core exercises into his play and went on with our lives. 

Lead Teacher pulled me aside at drop-off yesterday and wanted to walk with me--I thought we had accidentally violated one of the rules or something.  But she started asking about DS's next checkup (not 'til 9 mo) and suggested we have him evaluated for physical therapy.  "Because of the sitting thing?"  Yep.  "But sitting is usually an 8 or even 9 month milestone, from what I've read.  I mean, I know lots of kids do it sooner, but..."  She claims that he has poor muscle tone and needs to work on it, maybe with a PT.  I started freaking out on the way to work, called DH, got him properly worked up, sat down at my desk with Dr. Google, and DS is way, way far from the clinical definition of poor muscle tone.  They describe kids who "feel like a bag of jelly" and that is so far from DS.  He rolls both ways, isn't quite scooting but is really close, can turn himself 360 degrees when he's playing on his tummy, picks up toys, shoves everything in his mouth, sits with support (until he eventually slumps), and will even sit alone for very brief periods--several seconds, typically, but nowhere near a minute.  DH and I talked each other off the ledge and agreed to just wait and see.

DH did drop off this a.m., and lead teacher did the same thing to him, with the pulling aside and the poor muscle tone, etc.  So then DH was second guessing himself, called me, and we basically did a repeat of yesterday's foolishness.  I called the pedi and maybe I'm imagining it, but even the receptionist taking the message didn't seem to think it was a big deal.  Nurse called back and said he sounds fine to her but she's going to consult with his pedi and call me afterward.

With all that, do you think I'm being denial-y, or does DCP need to back off?  On the one hand, she sees tons of kids, so I feel like she does have a broader perspective than we do, and she can be a lot more objective.  On the other, I feel like I know both of my kids really well, DS is following DD's pattern, she was fine and he will be too.  The only reason I'm even concerned is because DCP seems normal and I can't figure out why she's so concerned.  WDWWT?


Re: BR: am I in denial or is my DCP crazy?

  • (sorry that's so long)
  • Ugh.  This is a hard one.  

    DCP needs to back off a little bit.  I get that she sees kids all the time and maybe has a 'heightened awareness' of issues or something, but she's said her piece.  She needs to be a peace with that and let you be the parent. 

    If you are really, truly concerned (outside of your seemingly alarmist DCP), go see the doc. Discuss your concerns honestly.  Set up some sort of 'monitoring' with the pedi.  

    As you know, there is a such a wide range for 'normal' with babies.  I mean my nephew walked at 9 months and my kid waited until he was 15 months old.  I just went and looked and DefConn didnt' sit up on his own until he was 7 months old.  So yeah...

    Oh and back away from Dr. Google.  :) 
  • I seriously don't understand why this is such a big deal to her.  It seems normal to me, and surely she must see tons of kids who aren't sitting alone at <7 mo.  Her experience gives her extra credibility, but she seems to be the only one who's concerned.  IDK.  I think I might call her, unless I can wait for drop off on Mon.
  • I agree with conn and MNNE.
  • edited May 2014
    Disclaimer: I don't have kids.

    But my mom is fond of saying, 'All children are flowers in the garden of life. Some are crocuses and some are chrysanthemums.' -- her point being, of course, that kids do things on their own time, and blossom when they're ready.

    I started crawling at nine mos. and was walking shortly thereafter. My brother basically skipped crawling and went straight to walking, but did it later.

    My mom had kind of the same freak-out and had him into his pediatrician who said that he was meeting all the other growth markers and all the normal milestones, and reminded my mother that, regardless of how many books are written about babies' growth and development, no one tells the babies that, and they don't read the books, so they don't know. 

    If your pedi says DS is OK and meeting his normal benchmarks, then I think you need to politely and firmly tell DCP, 'You have voiced your concerns several times. We have spoken to DS's pediatrician, and in his medical opinion, there is nothing wrong with DS. In light of a bona fide medical opinion that nothing is wrong with my child, I'd like to ask you to drop this subject matter.'

    Also, FWIW, I have a friend whose son is delayed developmentally from where he should be because of some complications with his birth. When he started pre-school, she knew he had certain problems and was behind his peers, but the DCP kept pushing my friend to get more services, more therapy, more this, more that -- all of which, conveniently, could be done at the school and which would have netted the school a large paycheck from the state because of a state programme for developmentally-delayed kids.

    ETF: grammar fail
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • Thanks, everyone.  I didn't think I was being one of those people who thinks her kids are perfect and refuse to believe anything could ever be wrong, but it's nice to get objective opinions.

    I called the lead teacher and told her DH and I discussed it again, and I talked to DS's pedi, and the consensus is that he's doing fine.  And since she seems to be having a hard time dropping it, and she's coming from a place of caring (as opposed to being a busybody), I told her that we're going to table the sitting issue for now, but if she sees anything else that makes her concerned, we definitely want to know.  (I didn't say the first part, just the part about tabling/monitoring.)  So hopefully she doesn't feel blown off, but is clear that (for now anyway), no one thinks sitting is a BFD.  And in the unlikely event that we're wrong, or something else comes up, then at least we still have open lines of communication.

    I also think I figured out why she's making a thing of it:  as we were talking, she said "He just reminds me so much of my younger son."  So I think maybe there is a little projection/nostalgia/unconscious bias going on, and she may be taking this more personally than she otherwise would.

    Also, WW is awesome.  
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    Sounds like you have this pretty cleared up.  I will just add a thought about mentioning it to both of you may seem like over concern from your end, but it could just be a way of her making sure both parents hear her.  I'd venture she's seen a lot of cases where one parent will try to hide (for whatever reason) concerns from the other.
  • I'm a DCP as well. Your son is fine. His body is probably just too long for his muscles to support for extended periods. He's tall. He'll figure it out. He's doing everything else developmentally appropriate for his age. Just like children crawl, walk, talk, and, potty train in their own good time, they sit when they sit as well. Those milestone ages are averages, not requirements. If at 7 months he wasn't moving at all, I could see his teacher's concern. But he's active, and she needs to stop scaring you. We always try to advocate for a child if we think there is an issue and the parents are unaware or in denial. But that does not sound like what this is and I think she crossed a few lines making this as big of a deal as she has. Our job is to address a concern, not diagnose another person's child.
  • mysticlmysticl member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    I have a friend who has a Master's in Early Intervention and is the Assistant Director of a day care center.  I text her whenever someone freaks me out about DS's development and she talks me down.  She has said that she often has to remind her staff that averages are just that, an average.  Some kids are going to do things before that date and others after.  

    It definitely sounds like she has some bias going on because of her own son.  
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