Wedding 911

Issue

bekahjo1119bekahjo1119 member
10 Comments 5 Love Its
edited July 2014 in Wedding 911

I originally deleted this because I got tired of the snark, but apparently that makes things more interesting to look at.  My future mother-in-law still makes it pretty obvious that she doesn't like many of the things my fiancé and I want to do, but we are on the same page.  Its our wedding and we are doing things our way.  She is doing the rehearsal dinner.  My bridesmaids are handling my wedding shower.  All is as well as it is going to get. 

Original Post:

My future mother-in-law and I have always gotten along really well.  My fiance is an only child and his mom has always been a very hands-on kind of parent.  I understood this going in.  I knew that she would want help me with the planning.  The day that we got engaged, she told me that she already almost had the rehearsal dinner planned.  I told her that my fiance and I had planned on paying for the whole wedding ourselves - including the rehearsal dinner.  I also reminded her that I really do tend to micromanage things.  Fast forward a week and she informs me that she has purchased a lot of things for the rehearsal dinner and my shower.  I asked if I could see them and she informed me that she wanted to "surprise me."  My fiance and I have not found a venue yet, and have not picked wedding colors yet.  I told her that I felt that it was too early to be purchasing things because of that fact.  I also told her that I hated surprises and that the unknown really stresses me out - I do have a touch of OCD and am on medication for an anxiety disorder.  She informed me that she was just buying stuff for "her part" and that I still had my party - the reception.  She completely belittled my feelings and ignored what I said.  My fiance talked to her about it, but just made things worse.  I tried telling her that I really want and need her help with this, but that I just want to be informed of what is going on.  She is not speaking to me.  My fiance says that I should just apologize to his mom and let her do what she wants to.  While I hate that she's not talking to me and this animosity really hurts me and stresses me out, I feel that if I back down now that I will be backing down for the rest of my life.  Any advice?

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Re: Issue

  • You may need the help, but not from her. Find other family members or friends who would like to help out that will be more cooperative. 

    I agree that this is a red flag because your fiance was wrong to tell you to just back down and apologize. He is your partner and he needs to take your feelings seriously. The fact that you were dismissed about something as important as this is a huge problem and you need to have a serious sit down.

    As for how you relate to his mother, your fiance needs to handle those conversations because you don't need to be in a position where you may feel bullied or pressured by her. Go over his talking points before he has the conversation because it sounds like he may have trouble problem solving and communicating and this could definitely make things worse instead of helping. But you also need to be on the same page and acting as a team, not with him playing neutral ground so he doesn't piss anyone off. And that isn't going to fly in your wedding planning, let alone your marriage. 


  • Wow!  Pretty harsh, aren't you?  I'm pretty sure that you could have found a nicer way to say that. 

    I am NOT postponing my wedding.  Its in 15 months. My fiancé assumed that I was over-reacting about things, because I do tend to obsess over things and blow them out of the water.  When he read her messages to me, he was fully supportive of how I feel. 

    I am not the type of person who is going to completely cut her out of the wedding planning.  In fact, this issue has been taken care of by my matron of honor.  She calmly talked to my FMIL and was able to get through to her.  My FMIL is just very excited about the wedding of her only child.  She is not a bad person.  She simply did not understand and was letting her excitement get the best of her.  She does not understand my issues.  She really just wanted to do something nice to surprise us, she just went about it the wrong way.  If I had handled things the way that you suggested, I would have alienated a very sweet woman that I want in my life. 

    Next time someone asks you for help, maybe you should not be so abrasive. 

  • KGold80KGold80 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper

    Wow!  Pretty harsh, aren't you?  I'm pretty sure that you could have found a nicer way to say that. 

    I am NOT postponing my wedding.  Its in 15 months. My fiancé assumed that I was over-reacting about things, because I do tend to obsess over things and blow them out of the water.  When he read her messages to me, he was fully supportive of how I feel. 

    I am not the type of person who is going to completely cut her out of the wedding planning.  In fact, this issue has been taken care of by my matron of honor.  She calmly talked to my FMIL and was able to get through to her.  My FMIL is just very excited about the wedding of her only child.  She is not a bad person.  She simply did not understand and was letting her excitement get the best of her.  She does not understand my issues.  She really just wanted to do something nice to surprise us, she just went about it the wrong way.  If I had handled things the way that you suggested, I would have alienated a very sweet woman that I want in my life. 

    Next time someone asks you for help,
    maybe you should not be so abrasive. 

    You posted on a board with only your perspective shown. Like it or not that perspective showed an overbearing FMIL and a fiancé who would not back you up and instead fully expected you to capitulate to his mother's whims. To then suggest that people who responded with advice based on their interpretation of your perspective were harsh and abrasive is a little unfair. I would suggest that you go back and read your first post before you get upset with those who gave you advice. Hopefully you will see that the picture you painted warranted such "harshness".

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    AddieCakersbloom[Deleted User]
  • Wow!  Pretty harsh, aren't you?  I'm pretty sure that you could have found a nicer way to say that. 

    I am NOT postponing my wedding.  Its in 15 months. My fiancé assumed that I was over-reacting about things, because I do tend to obsess over things and blow them out of the water.  When he read her messages to me, he was fully supportive of how I feel. 

    I am not the type of person who is going to completely cut her out of the wedding planning.  In fact, this issue has been taken care of by my matron of honor.  She calmly talked to my FMIL and was able to get through to her.  My FMIL is just very excited about the wedding of her only child.  She is not a bad person.  She simply did not understand and was letting her excitement get the best of her.  She does not understand my issues.  She really just wanted to do something nice to surprise us, she just went about it the wrong way.  If I had handled things the way that you suggested, I would have alienated a very sweet woman that I want in my life. 

    Next time someone asks you for help, maybe you should not be so abrasive. 

    If you don't want us to think your FMIL is an over-bearing bitch, don't portray her as one.

    We can only post answers based on what you post. You portrayed her as an over-bearing witch and your FI as a passive wimp. If those characterisations are incorrect, well, we got them from you.

    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
    [Deleted User]
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Nobody was harsh. You came here telling us about the trouble you were having with your fiance and his mother. You stated she is stressing you out, and you painted her as being very difficult over this matter and said she is not speaking to you. What advice were you looking for, exactly, if not to be told the truthful opinions of other members of this community?  

    For you to tell HGF that her way is the wrong way has me puzzled. YOU came HERE looking for advice and suggestions. HGF did not. So if YOU need help, it is very weird to me that your would tell HGF that her advice is not what you should do. Apparently you don't need help, so why did you post?



    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    HisGirlFriday13rsbloom
  • I do feel that her words were overly abrasive.  I'm not denying that I presented my FMIL in a certain way.  She was being incredibly difficult.  I did not ask for advice on whether I should postpone my wedding.  I did not ask for advice on anything aside from the FMIL issue. 

    As a writer myself, I pay very close attention to connotation of individuals.  HGF presented an incredibly abrasive tone to a bride who was already feeling stress.  I posted this because I thought other people might have experience dealing with a well meaning MIL who just does not understand boundaries.  I was torn up about it.  My MOH took it upon herself to be a translator to for both of our feelings. 

    I also took offense at the suggestion that I needed to postpone my wedding and get counseling.  As someone who has been in counseling most of my adult life, I know the connotations which go along with that.  Attacking that relationship is not something that I will stand for. 

    I suppose that we will have to agree to disagree.  I still see HGF's comments as harsh.  I think her response is equally harsh and rude.  I have no problem with anyone else's comments.  I would never respond to someone in such an abrasive way.  I own that I only presented my side of things.  I apologize for not writing you a novel about my life and the completely detailed personalities of those who I come into contact with.  This was my first post on this forum and will probably be my last.  No one should have to develop a thick skin when asking for advice in a community which is presented as supportive.

    CC0805
  • I do feel that her words were overly abrasive.  I'm not denying that I presented my FMIL in a certain way.  She was being incredibly difficult.  I did not ask for advice on whether I should postpone my wedding.  I did not ask for advice on anything aside from the FMIL issue. 

    As a writer myself, I pay very close attention to connotation of individuals.  HGF presented an incredibly abrasive tone to a bride who was already feeling stress.  I posted this because I thought other people might have experience dealing with a well meaning MIL who just does not understand boundaries.  I was torn up about it.  My MOH took it upon herself to be a translator to for both of our feelings. 

    I also took offense at the suggestion that I needed to postpone my wedding and get counseling.  As someone who has been in counseling most of my adult life, I know the connotations which go along with that.  Attacking that relationship is not something that I will stand for. 

    I suppose that we will have to agree to disagree.  I still see HGF's comments as harsh.  I think her response is equally harsh and rude.  I have no problem with anyone else's comments.  I would never respond to someone in such an abrasive way.  I own that I only presented my side of things.  I apologize for not writing you a novel about my life and the completely detailed personalities of those who I come into contact with.  This was my first post on this forum and will probably be my last.  No one should have to develop a thick skin when asking for advice in a community which is presented as supportive.

    Let's back the truck up for a moment here.

    The only information you gave us says your FMIL is overbearing and your FI doesn't have your back and wants you to apologize to her and let her do what she wants.  That is all you gave.

    Based on that, @HisGirlFriday gave you rock solid advice.  Anytime a bride comes on here and tells us her FI is playing Mama's Boy and doesn't have her back we will all tell her to consider postponing and doing some counseling.

    You say you are offended by that because you have spent a lot of your adult life in counseling.  We would know that how?  FTR - I also have spent a ton of my adult life in counseling and think it is a wonderful gift to one's self.

    The bolded part about a well meaning FMIL?  NOTHING in your OP makes her sound like she is well meaning.  You make her sound like she is overbearing and is going to do what she wants regardless of your requests.  You did not portray her in a well meaning spirit at all.

    HGF is also a writer and gets to the point without a lot of fluff.  She doesn't mince words and calls it as she sees it - she is usually spot on.  You have to understand that this is an internet forum and there are many personalities here - just like in any gathering.  You don't get to tell people how to post or to react to your posts, and it is up to you what  you do with any responses you get.  A little thicker skin might help.
    AddieCakeHisGirlFriday13rsbloom
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Something that you need to understand when posting in an online community is that whatever you post is open for opinions and comments on. While you may be asking for advice and opinions on A & B, if people have thoughts on the C that you also shared, they will give them, and they have a right to do that. And as kmmssg also stated, it is not up to you to decide how people post here, what words or tone they choose, etc.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    kmmssg
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    So, your FMIL is excited about your wedding, wants to throw you a rehearsal dinner and a shower and you're mad?

  • I apologize for my mistakes in this forum. 

    No.  ClimbingBrideNY, I'm not mad that she wants to throw a shower.  I'm not mad at all.  I am just disappointed that no one understands that I want to take a hands on approach to everything and plan it myself. But, whatever.  I give up.

  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I apologize for my mistakes in this forum. 

    No.  ClimbingBrideNY, I'm not mad that she wants to throw a shower.  I'm not mad at all.  I am just disappointed that no one understands that I want to take a hands on approach to everything and plan it myself. But, whatever.  I give up.

    You don't need to plan everything yourself. Trust me - planning the ceremony and the reception will be enough. 

    You should not in any way be involved in the planning of your shower. 

    Look, do you want to have a good relationship with your FMIL? If you do, just let her plan the RD and your shower. In the grand scheme of things, it's really not a big deal. 

  • CC0805CC0805 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    I agree with @climbingbrideny

    This woman is going to be in your life for a long long time.  You need to stop and think if this is worth damaging your relationship.  It sounds like she had the best intentions in the start, and now thanks to your MOH she has a better idea of who you are, so try to work from there.  If throwing you an RD really is very important to her, let her do it.  Just try to maintain an open dialogue with her about the process. If she forgets and tries to "surprise" you, just remind her of your need to be more hands on, and that it doesn't mean you are being ungrateful. 

    Hopefully, the combination of your willingness for give and take, your appreciation of her efforts, and her new ability to understand your issues will strengthen your relationship.  Once you two settle this, it will be easier to move forward as your new family grows.
  • Thank you for your advice.  I am okay with her planning the rehearsal dinner, I just wanted advice on getting her to understand where I was coming from.  I've just accepted that I'm going to have to let this go.  My MOH got to plan everything on her own, which is what I wanted, but I give up.  Maybe having everything the way I want it isn't the most important thing.  I can deal with a Star Wars shower...
  • Thank you for your advice.  I am okay with her planning the rehearsal dinner, I just wanted advice on getting her to understand where I was coming from.  I've just accepted that I'm going to have to let this go.  My MOH got to plan everything on her own, which is what I wanted, but I give up.  Maybe having everything the way I want it isn't the most important thing.  I can deal with a Star Wars shower...
    Dude, that would be AWESOME!!! I would have loved a SW shower. DH's BM did manage to work SW into his toast at the reception, and that was pretty cool.
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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • CC0805CC0805 member
    10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    hahah I would LOVE a Star Wars Shower.  Well, not Star Wars.  I'm big on Green Lantern.  That I would LOVE!
    HisGirlFriday13
  • djfiveninedjfivenine member
    Second Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments
    edited May 2014
    She could be so much worse... be grateful for her excitement :)
  • Approach this from the etiquette books.  Goodness, don't you young brides realize that half the fun of doing things "by the book" is that you can blame the book.  The rehearsal dinner does indeed fall to the groom's family.  However, it is still considered a bit of a gift grab if anyone in either bride or groom's immediate family throws a shower. She is most welcome to host a tea in your honor if she must have people to her home to show you off-which seems most likely.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Well, we can only comment on what you do post, and not on what you don't. You posted that your FMIL is overbearing and your FI wants you to "apologize to her and do whatever she says." You didn't post anything else about the situation between you, your FI, and your FMIL. By posting here, you asked us, people who don't know you and don't have any way of knowing about you and the dynamics in your family and life, for advice. So we gave it based on what you gave us. I'm sorry that people told you something you didn't want to hear, but berating us for the advice you asked us for really is hurtful and insulting to us. If you aren't able to handle the advice we gave you, this forum may well not be the best place to ask it. That said, I don't think anyone intentionally hurt your feelings by suggesting that there are some serious problems in your relationship with your FI if he wants you to "apologize to your FMIL and do whatever she says," regardless of how inappropriate and undesirable what she says is, and regardless of the fact that it gives all power over your wedding to her and takes it completely away from you. None of us would want to be treated the way they are treating you. So our advice to take a step back and 1) have a come-to-Jesus with your FI and make it clear that not only his mother's behavior, but his attitude towards you has to change and 2) get some professional help if the come-to-Jesus either doesn't happen or isn't effective over the long-term is advice we'd appreciate if we were in your situation. But don't accuse us of being "harsh" or "abrasive" because we're making these suggestions.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I apologize for my mistakes in this forum. 

    No.  ClimbingBrideNY, I'm not mad that she wants to throw a shower.  I'm not mad at all.  I am just disappointed that no one understands that I want to take a hands on approach to everything and plan it myself. But, whatever.  I give up.

    You don't need to plan everything yourself. Trust me - planning the ceremony and the reception will be enough. 

    You should not in any way be involved in the planning of your shower. 

    Look, do you want to have a good relationship with your FMIL? If you do, just let her plan the RD and your shower. In the grand scheme of things, it's really not a big deal. 

    I disagree with this.  If she gives in on this to "have a good relationship with her FMIL," (and her FI) what else will she have to "just let her plan" to have a good relationship with them because the FMIL wants all the say and the FI won't stand up for her?

    There should be room for both the FMIL and the OP (and her FI) in this, but the FMIL (with the FI's help) isn't giving her any.

    Not just the wedding, but the rest of their lives together is involved.  The OP has the right to set and enforce boundaries, and for the relationship to work, both the FI and the FMIL will need to respect those boundaries. 
  • It is truly helpful that you decided to come to a dead thread and berate someone.  My final comments on this is that one can give criticism which can be constructive rather than destructive.  When someone comes looking for advice on a specific issue, comment on that.  Thank you for your time.

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited July 2014
    @bekahjo1119‌ , one week or two months don't constitute "dead threads," and it sounds like you came back yourself to do some "berating" yourself.

    It's also not up to you to decide how others should post regardless of what they did or didn't ask about.
  • No, ma'am.  I merely noticed that someone had commented.  And my comment stands.  Advice is constructive.  Those who come in being rude are destructive and no help to anyone. 
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    OP, I would have had no clue that this thread existed had you not DD it and then changed the title to something so obvious. You are going to get a lot more traffic now. Plus, you were quoted, so people can still read what you wrote.
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  • I'm just tired of it.  I just do not want to deal with snark anymore.  Thank you for the advice.  I'll just edit it again I guess.  I wish there was a way to just delete the whole time.  I thought this whole thing was over with and someone else found it and decided to be snarky. 
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    I understand how it can get frustrating, especially when you think you have moved on from the whole thing. I would let it go and try to post more often on the regular boards! The more we get to know you, the more we can give advice on your specific situation.

     

    I hope you stick around! Happy planning!

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  • Thanks so much for your advice and for simply just being nice.  I really do appreciate it!
    sarawifenow
  • sarawifenowsarawifenow Denver, baby! member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    Anytime!
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  • falsarafalsara Northside of Chicago member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer

    Look OP Your FMIL is excited and wants to do things for you.  YOU SHOULD LET HER!!! My FMIL has not even asked me about planning ANYTHING for ANY event whatsoever in my wedding, including my  actual wedding. And I'm sorry but a SW shower is so amazing that you should not be complaining about it.

    There are a lot of brides on here that don't get any help when they actually need it.  You have help coming out of the woodwork.  At the end of the day the RD is not going to be anything other than a rehearsal, it's not even a dress rehearsal. Most of your guests will probably not be there, and btw a lot of people choose not to even have a rehearsal.

    Bottom line - your FMIL wants to be helpful and be involved.  You should be grateful for that, some people are a lot less fortunate in this department than you are and wish that they had you FMIL.

                                               

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  • Okay, since everyone has decided that they know what's going on, I'm going to elaborate. My FMIL gets really angry when I don't want to go with something. She doesn't like the color that I chose. She's started referring to me as her son's girlfriend rather than his fiancé. She's pushy and bossy. Its my wedding, I want to do it my way. And since you're trying to guilt me, my mother won't even give me a list of family members that she would like to be there. My mother does not care. So, please don't project your issues on me.
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