Wedding Etiquette Forum

One of my BMs is due 4 weeks before the wedding... and I never even asked her to be a BM.

A good friend of mine thinks she's in my bridal party and is due a month or so before the wedding. She's 4 months pregnant right now and thus VERY hormonal. She thinks she'll be fine, but I'm concerned that she doesn't understand how she will feel after birth and that she won't probably be up to standing up there with me. Plus, she will not have time to alter her dress much and will have to guess at a dress size, which even the dress consultants have told her would be iffy at best.

Her husband is my FI's Best Man and can't watch the baby, so I was hoping she would understand that she would need to. She's asking who I would like to watch her kid! Um, invite list is minimal. I can't afford another guest just to watch her baby and none of my friends or family will want to do it as they are there to see ME and my FI get married.

I never asked her to be in the party, mostly because I know how those first few months usually go after having a baby (I've been there), even with the best of births. She's at risk for a c-section and has always dealt poorly with pain, so I thought she'd figure out that it would be best that she wasn't in the party, but she assumes she's in my wedding party and has been telling people this. I haven't had the opportunity to get her alone to correct her, and now I feel it might be too late to without hurting our friendship.

To be fair and honest, I do not MIND her being in my party. I love her dearly. I just don't want to see her back out in the last month when I likely cannot replace her and I WILL not ask my FI to ask one of his groomsmen to stand down to make our parties even. The flowers and everything will be bought and paid for by then.
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Re: One of my BMs is due 4 weeks before the wedding... and I never even asked her to be a BM.

  • A good friend of mine thinks she's in my bridal party and is due a month or so before the wedding. She's 4 months pregnant right now and thus VERY hormonal. She thinks she'll be fine, but I'm concerned that she doesn't understand how she will feel after birth and that she won't probably be up to standing up there with me. Plus, she will not have time to alter her dress much and will have to guess at a dress size, which even the dress consultants have told her would be iffy at best.

    Her husband is my FI's Best Man and can't watch the baby, so I was hoping she would understand that she would need to. She's asking who I would like to watch her kid! Um, invite list is minimal. I can't afford another guest just to watch her baby and none of my friends or family will want to do it as they are there to see ME and my FI get married.

    I never asked her to be in the party, mostly because I know how those first few months usually go after having a baby (I've been there), even with the best of births. She's at risk for a c-section and has always dealt poorly with pain, so I thought she'd figure out that it would be best that she wasn't in the party, but she assumes she's in my wedding party and has been telling people this. I haven't had the opportunity to get her alone to correct her, and now I feel it might be too late to without hurting our friendship.

    To be fair and honest, I do not MIND her being in my party. I love her dearly. I just don't want to see her back out in the last month when I likely cannot replace her and I WILL not ask my FI to ask one of his groomsmen to stand down to make our parties even. The flowers and everything will be bought and paid for by then.

    The sides do not have to be even. If you want her to be a BM then ask her. If you don't then you need to explain to her that you love her and she will be invited as a guest but, unfortunately you have already chosen your BMs.
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  • LDay2014 said:
    A good friend of mine thinks she's in my bridal party and is due a month or so before the wedding. She's 4 months pregnant right now and thus VERY hormonal. She thinks she'll be fine, but I'm concerned that she doesn't understand how she will feel after birth and that she won't probably be up to standing up there with me. Plus, she will not have time to alter her dress much and will have to guess at a dress size, which even the dress consultants have told her would be iffy at best.

    Her husband is my FI's Best Man and can't watch the baby, so I was hoping she would understand that she would need to. She's asking who I would like to watch her kid! Um, invite list is minimal. I can't afford another guest just to watch her baby and none of my friends or family will want to do it as they are there to see ME and my FI get married.

    I never asked her to be in the party, mostly because I know how those first few months usually go after having a baby (I've been there), even with the best of births. She's at risk for a c-section and has always dealt poorly with pain, so I thought she'd figure out that it would be best that she wasn't in the party, but she assumes she's in my wedding party and has been telling people this. I haven't had the opportunity to get her alone to correct her, and now I feel it might be too late to without hurting our friendship.

    To be fair and honest, I do not MIND her being in my party. I love her dearly. I just don't want to see her back out in the last month when I likely cannot replace her and I WILL not ask my FI to ask one of his groomsmen to stand down to make our parties even. The flowers and everything will be bought and paid for by then.
    Is she in the bridal party or not? You need to make that decision before you can proceed. If she's not, then you need to have that conversation with her and establish that while you'd be honoured to have her attend the wedding (as her SO guest) unfortunately you have already set your bridal party.   Regardless, You don't get to dictate whether or not she will feel up to it after having a baby.

    Put on your big girl pants and make a decision so that she KNOWS where she stands and doesn't get blindsided either way
    Exactly this.

    You have two very separate issues at hand.  The first is that you have a girl in your bridal party whom you never asked.  If you don't want her in your party, then you need to be honest and tell her.

    The second issue, her being pregnant, has nothing to do with the other issue.  Let HER decide if she can stand in your party and what dress she's going to wear.  

    And kindly inform her you can't provide childcare.  

    Either way, you don't need to have even sides.  A lot of people don't have even sides. 

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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2014
    Every pregnancy and every baby is different. I was sleeping through the night at 3 days old! My mom would've been totally fine to stand in someone's wedding a month after I was born. So you actually have zero idea how she will be feeling on your wedding day. Personally, I don't think the fact that she is pregnant shouldn't factor into your decision about her being a BM.

    If you would've asked her if she wasn't pregnant, I think you still should and stop worrying so much about things. If you wouldn't have asked her either way then you need to talk to her NOW and tell her that you've already picked your bridal party but you are so excited for her to attend as a guest with the new baby (if you will be inviting the baby).


  • Agree with PP's, this doesn't make a lot of sense. Her being pregnant has nothing to do with whether or not YOU want her as a bridesmaid. If you and her discussed it previously as a hypothetical, and she is really that close of a friend, that is probably why she thinks she is. Either way it's up to you to set her straight. Personally, if it were one of my close friends I would have asked her anyway and prepared for her to be in the wedding party and let her make a game-time decision. If you don't want her in your wedding because she will be four weeks postpartum and you just want her to be home with the baby so her husband can participate, please do not tell her that.
  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    How does anybody "think she's a bridesmaid" if she hasn't been asked, hasn't been told anything about colors or attire or other wedding whatnot, and her FI IS KNOWN to be a groomsman? If my FI were standing in a wedding and nobody had asked me to do the same, I don't think it'd be that hard to put two and two together.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    If you don't want her to be a bridesmaid and didn't ask her for that reason, you should tell her and set her straight.  But her pregnancy should not be the reason you aren't asking her.

    Also, if you did ask her and it turns out she can't do it, you don't replace her.  First, that's a friendship-ending move and really rude, and second, sides don't have to be even.

    But if you do decide to ask her, then you need to accept that yes, it's possible that she won't be able to do it because of recent childbirth.  But yes, you can tell her that you can't provide childcare for her baby.  And you don't have to invite the baby.
  • APDSS22APDSS22 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    The sides don't have to be even.  If you are close enough to her that you want her to be standing up for you on your wedding day, ask her to be in the bridal party.  If she thinks she can accurately guess her dress size or at least something that will look decent, great.  If not, she's the one wearing it.  You do not have to provide childcare, that's on the parents who chose to have a baby.  If you ask her to be a bridesmaid and she backs out, she'll be the one who made that decision.  Don't worry about the flower order, I'm sure the new mom would love a bouquet even if she's not up to standing up with you or even attending the wedding.
  • FTR, my best friend and BM just had a high risk pregnancy and gave birth via c-section about 3 weeks ago. Shes glowing, and though a bit tired, could totally be up there with me if I was getting married tomorrow (and if gets tired can sit in the pews if needed).



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  • This is a huge mess. First, she is in your bridal party. You let her believe that she was and now you'd be the rude one to kick her out. She was rude to assume but that ship has sailed.

    Second, you are making a lot of excuses. It's not up to you to decide if she'll be able to be in your wedding after giving birth. I resumed normal activities a week after DS1 and days after DS2. Breast feeding my baby would cause me to have to bring them or I'd only attend the ceremony, take a few pictures then leave. The way you described the situation makes it sound like she's simply a filler for you. A month, even a couple of weeks, is plenty of time to alter or buy a dress. They don't all have to wear the same dress. The bouquet is a non issue; you can use it to decorate a table.

    Instead of freaking out over nothing why not be happy for your friends? Tell her you can't provide child care. I'd allow her to bring the baby (I'm sure there's someone who could hold the baby during the ceremony. If she brings a little bouncy seat or blanket baby can be put down between he few pictures she'd be in.) but you don't have to invite the baby and you simply tell her "I'm sorry, the invite is for you and your dh. I understand if you won't be able to make it."

    Bottom line? This woman is supposed to be your friend. Is this how you treat your friends?

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • Why are you even letting her go on thinking she's in the bridal party?? If she isn't, then you need to let her know. You sound like you have no idea whats going on with your own wedding.
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  • I'm just finding it weird that you've let this go on for so long. Sure, it was pretty rude of her to assume she was in the party. But it's even more rude of you to let her continue to think she's a BM when you don't want her to be. It's too late to fix this issue.

    As for being pregnant, PP's said it best. You can tell her she needs to provide her own childcare and then it's up to her what she does.
  • Seriously...confused...

    How is someone in your bridal party who was never asked?
  • I'm guessing she assumed and you never corrected her. Tell her you won't be able to provide her childcare. She's now in your bridal party since you've never told her otherwise and it sounds like she's ordered the dress? 
  • I love when people determine how OTHER people will feel after they give birth.  Who knew there were so many psychics in the world?

  • Other issues aside, if matching dresses are so important this girl can just buy the dress in a larger size than normal and then have it altered to fit her 2 weeks before the wedding.  One of my BMs will be 7 months pregnant at my wedding.  She bought the dress months ago 2 sizes larger than normal and is waiting to have it altered to fit her perfectly 2 weeks before the wedding.

    And I agree with PPs that it's too late to tell her she's not in the BP.  It was rude for her to assume, but you should have corrected the assumption much earlier.
  • One of my BMs gave birth 3 weeks before my wedding. She got measured for her dress at 5 months along and ordered 2 sizes up based on the advice of the consultant. The dress we picked was flowy instead of fitted. She got her dress altered 5 days before my wedding. She helped me bake cupcakes for 75 people and offered to throw a shower the week I was off before the wedding. She stood up with me for the ceremony and left with an hour left in the reception. Her husband was working so her sister came to help with baby. If you didn't know her, you would have had no idea that she gave birth 3 weeks earlier. Don't use her baby as an excuse.

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  • Rebl90Rebl90 member
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    Hey Addie and HisGirl - pass the booze! this thread needs a good strong supply, it made my brain hurt.
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  • SoultarGirlSoultarGirl member
    First Comment
    edited May 2014
    Yes, I should have put on my big girl pants and told her. As for not getting her alone, but talking this other stuff. It was in front of the other BMs. I've only been engaged for 2 weeks, dress shopped for ME the other day, which is when she asked the consultant on her dress stuff. No dresses have been chosen, but I want them all the same.

    I DO feel like I have a good idea how she will be after birth as I have helped her after 2 minor surgeries and she does not respond well to any pain whatsoever. Yes, she might be perfectly fine after, I could have done it, but no one else I know could have. But that is moot.

    I would not have asked her even not pregnant. Her hormones are making things tricky as I do not want to piss her off and now I think it might be too late. So my bad. I was just hoping someone had a tactful way of putting her right (she's only been back in the country for a week). I am NOT tactful. I am as awkward as they come. I am also non-confrontational, therein lies my problem.

    As far as how she thinks she is in my party without being asked? I don't really know. I'm not in her head. I guess since we hang out, er, hung out, frequently.
  • SoultarGirlSoultarGirl member
    First Comment
    edited May 2014
    Thank you all for the input anyway.
  • Yes, I should have put on my big girl pants and told her. As for not getting her alone, but talking this other stuff. It was in front of the other BMs. I've only been engaged for 2 weeks, dress shopped for ME the other day, which is when she asked the consultant on her dress stuff. No dresses have been chosen, but I want them all the same.

    I DO feel like I have a good idea how she will be after birth as I have helped her after 2 minor surgeries and she does not respond well to any pain whatsoever. Yes, she might be perfectly fine after, I could have done it, but no one else I know could have. But that is moot.

    I would not have asked her even not pregnant. Her hormones are making things tricky as I do not want to piss her off and now I think it might be too late. So my bad. I was just hoping someone had a tactful way of putting her right (she's only been back in the country for a week). I am NOT tactful. I am as awkward as they come. I am also non-confrontational, therein lies my problem.

    As far as how she thinks she is in my party without being asked? I don't really know. I'm not in her head. I guess since we hang out, er, hung out, frequently.
    You've only been engaged 2 weeks? Have you picked your bridal party that soon? I still think it would be rude to essentially kick her out, but you're still so early in the game. If you're prepared to end this friendship then you need to tell her as soon as humanely possible. Like, log off of the knot and see or call her. Now. A simple "I'm sorry you're under the impression that you're a bridesmaid. I'm not able to choose everyone I would have liked and I'm sorry for the confusion and hurt this may cause you. I'd be honored to have you (and maybe new baby if you're willing) as our guest." Others will have a better way to word it I'm sure but that's the gist.

    As for her being pregnant, that is irrelevant information. If you weren't going to ask her to begin with her pregnancy has no bearing on this. The pregnancy is just your excuse.

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • And why was she dress shopping with you? And when is you're wedding that you're doing that stuff so soon?

    After 6 years and 2 boys, finally tying the knot on October 27th, 2013!

  • OP, either set her straight and deal with the fallout OR accept that she's a bridesmaid and if she needs to sit down most of the wedding, she'll cope. In the end it doesn't matter to you that she be in the pictures standing up as it matters to her (evidently) to be your bridesmaid. I'd do the latter because otherwise that's a lot of drama that you just don't need right now.

    Maybe she assumed because her FI is a groomsman? Like it's a couples thing?

    And why was she dress shopping with you? And when is you're wedding that you're doing that stuff so soon?
    What? Why does it matter? She can dress shop whenever she wants to. Who cares?
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