Asking Bridesmaid to Step Down?

[Deleted User] · May 2014

My wedding is Saturday, help! I hate having to ask people about this. Here goes.

I have a bridesmaid that has been very absent throughout the process. Since I had all but 2 bridesmaids out of state, I didn't expect much from my maids other than to show up on the wedding day in their dresses. I tried to be cost-effective by choosing gowns priced at $130 in one of 6 styles, letting them choose any shoe in a neutral color (to increase the chance they had something on hand), and paying for hair and makeup (which I think is the only way to require they get it done). This bridesmaid, who lives in town, never RSVPed to my shower, even after telling my mother she'd help, and didn't show. She said she got sick that day. Ok, fine, I'll live with it.

She found out a month ago she is pregnant. Turns out she got pregnant awhile ago (she was on the shot and didn't have periods, and apparently was symptom free) and is actually already at 6 months. Needless to say, when she found out she was pregnant, she quit smoking and the baby started growing....fast.

I politely asked if she'd be comfortable in her dress this weekend on Monday afternoon, at which point she let me know she hadn't even tried it on, but was pretty sure it didn't fit. I hinted at her options: get a lace panel insert in the back to let it out, buy a sample dress in the right color in any size for fabric to use for alterations, or buy a size 14 gown I tracked down and reserved for her *in town* and have it altered to fit. I asked her to at least keep me in the loop.

It's now Tuesday and she hasn't let me know if the dress even fits. It's hard, because she had her first ultrasound yesterday, so I know things are crazy and exciting and I'm trying so hard to remain happy for her, but also stress that I need to know what's going on.

At what point might it be OK to ask her to politely step down? I don't want to get to Friday and have her just declare her dress doesn't fit. Truth be told, emotionally I'm over her at this point. Her absenteeism combined with this late, last notice, as well as other awful things (she said awful things to an infertile friend after she found out she was pregnant....she told her adopting a kid over 2 wouldn't be a real parent/child relationship, that hormone treatments are nothing like pregnancy, etc. Just awful, ugly things.) just has me completely disinterested in her standing by me. I feel I've given her several options that could work, so I'm not going to allow a dress in another color or fabric to accommodate her, as I really don't want her to stand out from the other amazing women that have been wonderful the whole time.

artbyallie · May 2014

corgifan said:

My wedding is Saturday, help! I hate having to ask people about this. Here goes.

I have a bridesmaid that has been very absent throughout the process. Since I had all but 2 bridesmaids out of state, I didn't expect much from my maids other than to show up on the wedding day in their dresses. I tried to be cost-effective by choosing gowns priced at $130 in one of 6 styles, letting them choose any shoe in a neutral color (to increase the chance they had something on hand), and paying for hair and makeup (which I think is the only way to require they get it done). This bridesmaid, who lives in town, never RSVPed to my shower, even after telling my mother she'd help, and didn't show. She said she got sick that day. Ok, fine, I'll live with it.

She found out a month ago she is pregnant. Turns out she got pregnant awhile ago (she was on the shot and didn't have periods, and apparently was symptom free) and is actually already at 6 months. Needless to say, when she found out she was pregnant, she quit smoking and the baby started growing....fast.

I politely asked if she'd be comfortable in her dress this weekend on Monday afternoon, at which point she let me know she hadn't even tried it on, but was pretty sure it didn't fit. I hinted at her options: get a lace panel insert in the back to let it out, buy a sample dress in the right color in any size for fabric to use for alterations, or buy a size 14 gown I tracked down and reserved for her *in town* and have it altered to fit. I asked her to at least keep me in the loop.

It's now Tuesday and she hasn't let me know if the dress even fits. It's hard, because she had her first ultrasound yesterday, so I know things are crazy and exciting and I'm trying so hard to remain happy for her, but also stress that I need to know what's going on.

At what point might it be OK to ask her to politely step down? I don't want to get to Friday and have her just declare her dress doesn't fit. Truth be told, emotionally I'm over her at this point. Her absenteeism combined with this late, last notice, as well as other awful things (she said awful things to an infertile friend after she found out she was pregnant....she told her adopting a kid over 2 wouldn't be a real parent/child relationship, that hormone treatments are nothing like pregnancy, etc. Just awful, ugly things.) just has me completely disinterested in her standing by me. I feel I've given her several options that could work, so I'm not going to allow a dress in another color or fabric to accommodate her, as I really don't want her to stand out from the other amazing women that have been wonderful the whole time.

Oh my. That last line sounds so hurtful. The dress is really more important than having her by your side? I mean, that's your prerogative of course, but if that's the case you can buy her dress back from her and just tell her you don't want to be friends any longer. That would, by default, take her out of the wedding.

Otherwise, either she shows up with her dress and is in the wedding or she doesn't and isn't. Don't kick her out of the wedding. She will take herself out of it if that is what happens. Saying anything will just make you look like a Bridezilla. There is no way to 'politely' kick someone out, and that is what you'd be doing, even phrasing it as 'asking her to step down.'

[Deleted User] · May 2014

We always say that kicking someone out of the wedding party is a friendship ending move, so if you're ready to end the friendship, go ahead. Just call her up and tell her that you don't really like her and you'd rather she didn't stand up at or even attend your wedding.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

Uhm, wow, your friend just found out she's pregnant, she had her first ultrasound this week, and you're worried about her BM dress fitting?

OK then

You cannot ask her to step down or kick her out of the WP without it being a friendship-ending move. If you're OK with that, then go for it.

At this point, if you're OK with that, go for it -- but it will show her and everyone else that you are shallow, superficial, and rude.

Your last line is hurtful. She was, at one point, a close enough friend that you asked her to stand up with you. What's more important -- that she's there with you or that she's in the right dress?

coffeekay · May 2014

I'm going to be honest with you. If you ask her to step down, you're going to look like the bad guy. People will side eye you when they find out why you booted her from the wedding. And what she said was horrible, but a wedding is not the place to exact some kind of justice. Just put her out of your mind and go on with things.

climbingsingle · May 2014

I was really on your side until that last line. Ugh.

This is what I would do. Assuming I don't hear from her, I'd call her up Friday and say, "Hi, Friend. How are you feeling? How's the pregnancy going? Hey, the wedding is tomorrow. Does your dress fit? If it doesn't, no worries. I'd be honored just to have you as a guest." Basically, if she doesn't have a dress, she's removed herself from the wedding.

Bubblegum5586 · May 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I was really on your side until that last line. Ugh.

This is what I would do. Assuming I don't hear from her, I'd call her up Friday and say, "Hi, Friend. How are you feeling? How's the pregnancy going? Hey, the wedding is tomorrow. Does your dress fit? If it doesn't, no worries. I'd be honored just to have you as a guest." Basically, if she doesn't have a dress, she's removed herself from the wedding.

I think this is great advice. You did try to accommodate her with a few options for her dress, none of which she has done. So without her dress she is no longer a BM. I don't think that is too harsh, she had a few options to make it work.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

Thanks ladies. Reading what I wrote does sound pretty awful. I definitely was typing it out of frustration.

To be honest, I wouldn't have had the guts to ask anyone to step down. As for the last line - it sounds awful, but I stand by part of it. I have had some truly amazing women being wonderful throughout this whole process despite being separated by thousands of miles. When the big day came around, I didn't want to single out the person that I love, but who has hurt me by not even being available for a phone call even in the months prior to being pregnant. It came from feeling like she'd given up on our friendship for an unknown reason. So yes, there's been some bitterness. It wasn't that I didn't want to have a single bridesmaid in a separate color for appearance, but because I'd felt so hurt I didn't want her to be singled out by guests at a special bridesmaid. It's why I came up with several options for her to still remain within the wedding party.

As for being supportive of her, I can assure you I've tried. I offered to help with the costs of any alterations, drive to another store for another dress, and figure out any way we could make what she already had work. As for her child, I'd already offered to throw her a shower. Despite the hurt I've felt from the way she's treated our friendship, and how frustrated I felt the past couple days when I've been trying to help, but there wasn't even communication from her, I know she's going to need so much help with this pregnancy.

In the end I'm letting her figure it out. I've let her know she can contact me and I will do anything I can to help. I imagine that come Saturday if she hasn't figured something out she'll either get up there anyway, or she'll recuse herself on her own.

It's unfortunate that I wrote what I did, and I can see how awful it sounded. She was a dear friend a year ago, and for some reason that's changed for her. She's removed herself from our group and made very hurtful comments to many people. I think this bridesmaid thing just gave an outlet for me to vent (in a pretty illogical way) about the frustrations I've felt this year as I've felt that friendship fading away.

Anyway, I can assure you, there will be no asking of anyone to step down. But I certainly appreciate the opportunity to vent on here some of my frustrations, and I can assure you all I'm not going to go Bridezilla. I do hope our friendship recovers from the turmoils it's gone through, and reading my own post makes it pretty clear to me it's had a bigger effect than I thought on my own feelings. So hopefully when the wedding dies down I can be there for her and her new baby, and find a dialogue to save our friendship. :-/

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

Thanks for not freaking out. It's certainly got to be frustrating, and I'm sorry she's being a crappy friend. Hopefully when things calm down, you'll be able to be friends again.

Good luck!

tammym1001 · May 2014

I'm glad that you aren't going to ask her to step down. Believe me, I feel your pain on the dress situation. I am getting married next Saturday and none of my BM's have their dresses back from the seamstress yet so I'm getting a little anxious. I just wanted to add that no matter why you were thinking of asking her to step down she would more than likely tell everyone that you kicked her out of your wedding because she got pregnant and everyone would think you were a horrible person.

artbyallie · May 2014

Can I just say a big thank you for responding the way you did? So many women come on here and get defensive after hearing what we have to say, so it's very refreshing to see someone put on her big girl panties and own what she said and see another perspective.

NYCMercedes · May 2014

corgifan said:

Thanks ladies. Reading what I wrote does sound pretty awful. I definitely was typing it out of frustration.

To be honest, I wouldn't have had the guts to ask anyone to step down. As for the last line - it sounds awful, but I stand by part of it. I have had some truly amazing women being wonderful throughout this whole process despite being separated by thousands of miles. When the big day came around, I didn't want to single out the person that I love, but who has hurt me by not even being available for a phone call even in the months prior to being pregnant. It came from feeling like she'd given up on our friendship for an unknown reason. So yes, there's been some bitterness. It wasn't that I didn't want to have a single bridesmaid in a separate color for appearance, but because I'd felt so hurt I didn't want her to be singled out by guests at a special bridesmaid. It's why I came up with several options for her to still remain within the wedding party.

As for being supportive of her, I can assure you I've tried. I offered to help with the costs of any alterations, drive to another store for another dress, and figure out any way we could make what she already had work. As for her child, I'd already offered to throw her a shower. Despite the hurt I've felt from the way she's treated our friendship, and how frustrated I felt the past couple days when I've been trying to help, but there wasn't even communication from her, I know she's going to need so much help with this pregnancy.

In the end I'm letting her figure it out. I've let her know she can contact me and I will do anything I can to help. I imagine that come Saturday if she hasn't figured something out she'll either get up there anyway, or she'll recuse herself on her own.

It's unfortunate that I wrote what I did, and I can see how awful it sounded. She was a dear friend a year ago, and for some reason that's changed for her. She's removed herself from our group and made very hurtful comments to many people. I think this bridesmaid thing just gave an outlet for me to vent (in a pretty illogical way) about the frustrations I've felt this year as I've felt that friendship fading away.

Anyway, I can assure you, there will be no asking of anyone to step down. But I certainly appreciate the opportunity to vent on here some of my frustrations, and I can assure you all I'm not going to go Bridezilla. I do hope our friendship recovers from the turmoils it's gone through, and reading my own post makes it pretty clear to me it's had a bigger effect than I thought on my own feelings. So hopefully when the wedding dies down I can be there for her and her new baby, and find a dialogue to save our friendship. :-/

Good luck to you. I hope Saturday is wonderful.

arrippa · May 2014

corgifan said:

Thanks ladies. Reading what I wrote does sound pretty awful. I definitely was typing it out of frustration.

To be honest, I wouldn't have had the guts to ask anyone to step down. As for the last line - it sounds awful, but I stand by part of it. I have had some truly amazing women being wonderful throughout this whole process despite being separated by thousands of miles. When the big day came around, I didn't want to single out the person that I love, but who has hurt me by not even being available for a phone call even in the months prior to being pregnant. It came from feeling like she'd given up on our friendship for an unknown reason. So yes, there's been some bitterness. It wasn't that I didn't want to have a single bridesmaid in a separate color for appearance, but because I'd felt so hurt I didn't want her to be singled out by guests at a special bridesmaid. It's why I came up with several options for her to still remain within the wedding party.

As for being supportive of her, I can assure you I've tried. I offered to help with the costs of any alterations, drive to another store for another dress, and figure out any way we could make what she already had work. As for her child, I'd already offered to throw her a shower. Despite the hurt I've felt from the way she's treated our friendship, and how frustrated I felt the past couple days when I've been trying to help, but there wasn't even communication from her, I know she's going to need so much help with this pregnancy.

In the end I'm letting her figure it out. I've let her know she can contact me and I will do anything I can to help. I imagine that come Saturday if she hasn't figured something out she'll either get up there anyway, or she'll recuse herself on her own.

It's unfortunate that I wrote what I did, and I can see how awful it sounded. She was a dear friend a year ago, and for some reason that's changed for her. She's removed herself from our group and made very hurtful comments to many people. I think this bridesmaid thing just gave an outlet for me to vent (in a pretty illogical way) about the frustrations I've felt this year as I've felt that friendship fading away.

Anyway, I can assure you, there will be no asking of anyone to step down. But I certainly appreciate the opportunity to vent on here some of my frustrations, and I can assure you all I'm not going to go Bridezilla. I do hope our friendship recovers from the turmoils it's gone through, and reading my own post makes it pretty clear to me it's had a bigger effect than I thought on my own feelings. So hopefully when the wedding dies down I can be there for her and her new baby, and find a dialogue to save our friendship. :-/

I am so happy that you are not going to ask her to step down. Thank you for listening to the advice without gettting defensive.

Have a great wedding! I hope you will come back and tell us about it. I love hearing how everyones day went.

CC0805 · May 2014

OP- I have to say Way To Go! Even in your original post while it's obvious you were venting frustrations it's also obvious that you were trying everything you could to help her and maintain your friendship. I think all the research you did and suggestions to keep her in her dress so she could still be a BM, despite her bad attitude pre-pregnancy shows character. It does seem that you were more hurt than anything else, which I can understand when it seems you have tried to help her. (Offering to throw her a shower after everything she did? Come on! Kudos!) Anyway, I agree with climbingny, try to get her on the phone. Simply ask her if she managed to get the dress, and if not let her know you would still be honored if she came as a guest. Also, reiterate that you are there for her during the pregnancy should she need you. An unexpected pregnancy of that extent can be very hectic with lots of emotions, with or without the hormones. Having significantly less time to prepare is probably stressing her out and I'm sure she needs all the emotional support she can get. Once everything settles down I hope you two are able to mend the relationship and really be able to be there for each other! Good luck! And have a BLAST on Sat!

CC0805 · May 2014

Ugh! It's very frustrating that all the formatting I've done is removed automatically since I'm posting on the iPad! Sorry it looks like one long paragraph! It wasn't, I promise! That is all

[Deleted User] · May 2014

Thanks all!

She was able to get the dress in a size to be altered down. She responded out of the blue, and while I haven't confirmed, I have a hunch my fiance (and mutual friend of hers) may have stepped in at some point just to let her know I was upset about the position I was in and how I'd been treated to this point. I talked to the store manager at the local David's Bridal and was able to explain her situation, so as long as she takes in her original dress, she'll be granted an exchange despite the fact she's out of the return window.

I'm still a little upset about how this has all happened, especially since in the past few days she's started to focus on all the baby festivities and how she'd like my help (which I will certainly provide as much as I can - we ran into issues with me being able to host a shower, as she's much further along in her pregnancy than we'd thought and previous commitments mean I just won't be able to take on the duties of host. I'll cook and help whomever does, but I can't be primary.) I'm not trying to dwell or be bitter in the sense of "you didn't help for my festivities, why should I help for yours?", and there will certainly be some friendship mending and a couple heart to hearts here in the future. In the end though, I am confident things will recover if she can start to invest in her personal relationships again. (Even our infertile friend is trying to reach out to her, so her friends are certainly trying to save things!)

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