Mothers...VENT

bride2b71614 · May 2014

Okay, I love my mom dearly. She can be really awesome at times, other times not so much. I bought her a small bangle bracelet for her birthday, and it was a bit too big for her. Yesterday we went to the jewelers to get it fixed. While we were there, she says I need to say something, but I am not going to say it because you'll get mad at me.

First off I hate when people do that because of course now I want to know what you were going to say. I roll my eyes and go, okay mom, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say it. She then tells me that my FI should have bought me a diamond e-ring because diamonds are the most precious stone, and that he should be giving me something precious. Her comment didn't sit well with me, but I took the mature road and didn't further the conversation by getting angry/fighting with her. Despite this, I still feel hurt. She knows that I've always preferred other gemstones to diamonds, and that I value my relationship with my FI over any material object.

Isn't my FI dedicating the rest of his life to me and our son precious enough? She is spending the next few days with us, and right now I want nothing to do with her. She keeps asking if I want to go out/do activities with her, and I keep giving lame excuses as to why I can't go out. I don't want to lie anymore. Should I bring it up when I've cooled off, or should I just say something right now? What would you do?

Blackbird230 · May 2014

Ugh, first of all, I hate the "i need to say something, but I won't because I know it will make you mad." FI does it sometimes and I almost always make him tell me anyway because I'm sorry, don't mention it and not mention it at the same time. Not cool. To comment on the diamond comment: With my aquamarine, I just got used to saying "well this is more precious and special to me." Not saying anything against the diamond girls because I do have some small ones on the ring and they are pretty, but I was adamantly against the marketing ploy of diamonds. Just my personal opinion why I didn't want one. A lot of people jump to the "OMG YOU HAVE TO HAVE A DIAMOND" comment and it's just not true. I wouldn't let it bug you too much.

loves2shop4shoes · May 2014

She sounds like the kind of woman that wouldn't apologize, or even acknowledge her error, even if you DID say something. So what's the point in creating further drama/headaches by even trying to talk it out?

Why don't you "get a migraine", ask her to watch your son, and go spend some time alone.

That's the passive approach.

If you absolutely HAVE to say something to her, I'd just ask, calmly and rationally, what she was trying to achieve by making that comment to you. And then I'd state that she was either trying to do one of two things. Either it was a criticism, in which the goal was to make you feel bad about yourself/your relationship, or it was a genuine concern. If it was a genuine concern, then what does she want you to do? Confront him about it? Why it's more important to prioritize societal standards of an engagement ring above the commitment you have made to each other and your child?

FTR, I have used both courses of action with my own mother, depending on how much emotional energy I want to put into her nonsense at any given time.

carliealissa · May 2014

Agree with the above. It depends on your relationship with your mom, but I don't see anything wrong with calmly telling her that her statement hurt your feelings and why. That's an appropriate thing for adults to do. Assuming she's not totally irrational and crazy (with mine it depends on the day), it's probably a better approach than just avoiding her during her visit. Once you've said your peace you can move forward and (hopefully) won't be stewing about it any longer.

ETA: I don't agree about using the lying/avoidance approach, but I agree with the rest.

bride2b71614 · May 2014

I think that I am being overly emotional right now. My son is due in a few weeks, I am happy, but nervous and I'm emotionally vulnerable. She's the kind of person who doesn't apologize for who she is, or for what she says. She has BPD, so she probably isn't going to ever acknowledge her wrongs. Right now I don't want to fight with her. @loves2shop4shoes, I'm going to go with the migraine route, and maybe it'll buy me some time. @blackbird230, thank you. I hate when people pull that shit. I have nothing against diamonds either, I just prefer other stones. Its almost like saying my favorite color is better than your favorite color. Neither color is more superior to the other, they just happen to be a preference. I don't get it, my mom's e-ring is an emerald.

carliealissa · May 2014

bride2b71614 said:

I think that I am being overly emotional right now. My son is due in a few weeks, I am happy, but nervous and I'm emotionally vulnerable. She's the kind of person who doesn't apologize for who she is, or for what she says. She has BPD, so she probably isn't going to ever acknowledge her wrongs. Right now I don't want to fight with her. @loves2shop4shoes, I'm going to go with the migraine route, and maybe it'll buy me some time. @blackbird230, thank you. I hate when people pull that shit. I have nothing against diamonds either, I just prefer other stones. Its almost like saying my favorite color is better than your favorite color. Neither color is more superior to the other, they just happen to be a preference. I don't get it, my mom's e-ring is an emerald.

THAT's funny. I would have just brought that up to see what her response would be.

Ollie08 · May 2014

First of all, I agree with @love2shop4shoes about you saying something probably won't accomplish anything on her end. It might make you feel better, and if it will then you should say something.

Also, I think the fact that she's bringing this up when she has an Emerald engagement ring is even more odd. It seems like she's projecting how SHE feels about her engagement ring and doesn't want you to feel the same way down the line. I'm not saying it's right, just that what she said probably has a whole lot more to do with her own personal experience than it has to do with you.

If it were me, I'd just shrug it off and go on about her visit. If she keeps saying things like that, then I would address the issue. I'm hoping it was a one time comment though.

And FWIW, my mom is the same way. Always saying stuff like that. She doesn't mean it maliciously. She's not trying to hurt my feelings. She just lacks a filter sometimes.

SmileDamnit · May 2014

Girl, you've got way more important and worthwhile things to focus your emotional energy on right now! It doesn't sound like it's worth the breath so find your zen like state and get to cookin' that baby boy for the last few weeks in a happy, stress-free state.

bride2b71614 · May 2014

FI mom and I are going out to dinner. FI is prepared to be a buffer and will attempt to alleviate stress. He is good at decreasing tension Btwn my mother and I. One of the many reasons why I love him. I also think I'm going to go to prenatal yoga tomorrow to relax more. Wish me luck!

Blue & White · May 2014

Go make a baby

Your mom can chill out while you are busy making said baby. And yea, I'd just let her be.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

My e-ring is a sapphire. When DH's BSC grandmother made a comment about it 'not being a real engagement ring,' I smiled sweetly and said, 'Well, I guess that not buying into an artificial scarcity market built on the blood and bodies of African workers during the early 19th century makes me a horrible person who just prefers to be traditional, socially responsible, and sentimental, since this stone was my grandmother's birth stone.'

Diamonds didn't become traditional engagement stones until King Leopold began exploiting the Congo in the early 1900s. Before that, it was sapphires, emeralds, or rubies.

And the mentality of 'a diamond is a symbol of commitment' comes from a very successful DeBeers marketing campaign in the 1930s.

loves2shop4shoes · May 2014

Ah yes. My mother has BPD too. I know this all too well. Go the migraine route. Confronting her won't get you the apology you deserve. It'll just cause more havoc.

bethsmiles · May 2014

The PPs have all given you great advice so I don't have much to add except that I'm sorry your mom is being that way. I don't get why anyone cares what your ring looks like as long as you love it! *hugs*

carliealissa · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

My e-ring is a sapphire. When DH's BSC grandmother made a comment about it 'not being a real engagement ring,' I smiled sweetly and said, 'Well, I guess that not buying into an artificial scarcity market built on the blood and bodies of African workers during the early 19th century makes me a horrible person who just prefers to be traditional, socially responsible, and sentimental, since this stone was my grandmother's birth stone.' Diamonds didn't become traditional engagement stones until King Leopold began exploiting the Congo in the early 1900s. Before that, it was sapphires, emeralds, or rubies. And the mentality of 'a diamond is a symbol of commitment' comes from a very successful DeBeers marketing campaign in the 1930s.

(Kind of) funny story; a few years ago my FMIL (then boyfriend's mom) was asking me about what kind of E ring I would want. I thought we were just having a conversation and basically went on a rant similar to what you said above, and said if it were a diamond it would have to be conflict-free, etc. etc. Turns out she was asking because she already had a diamond in a safe waiting for when FI was someday ready to get engaged. I think she just wanted to make sure I was cool with a round cut and didn't want square, or something like that. Major foot in mouth!! I still feel bad remembering this conversation.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

carliealissa said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

My e-ring is a sapphire. When DH's BSC grandmother made a comment about it 'not being a real engagement ring,' I smiled sweetly and said, 'Well, I guess that not buying into an artificial scarcity market built on the blood and bodies of African workers during the early 19th century makes me a horrible person who just prefers to be traditional, socially responsible, and sentimental, since this stone was my grandmother's birth stone.' Diamonds didn't become traditional engagement stones until King Leopold began exploiting the Congo in the early 1900s. Before that, it was sapphires, emeralds, or rubies. And the mentality of 'a diamond is a symbol of commitment' comes from a very successful DeBeers marketing campaign in the 1930s.

(Kind of) funny story; a few years ago my FMIL (then boyfriend's mom) was asking me about what kind of E ring I would want. I thought we were just having a conversation and basically went on a rant similar to what you said above, and said if it were a diamond it would have to be conflict-free, etc. etc. Turns out she was asking because she already had a diamond in a safe waiting for when FI was someday ready to get engaged. I think she just wanted to make sure I was cool with a round cut and didn't want square, or something like that. Major foot in mouth!! I still feel bad remembering this conversation.

I generally don't talk about why I didn't want a diamond unless I'm asked. I don't have a problem with other people wanting diamonds, or wanting whatever stone makes them happy.

Generally, people look at my e-ring, realise it's a sapphire, and are like, 'Duh, that makes sense for you, HisGirl.' There are diamonds in my e-ring and wedding band, but they're conflict-free. And they're actually Canadian, which DH loves because he went to school there.

I went off on BSC grandma because she had pushed me JUST FAR ENOUGH that I was annoyed and also because her insinuation was that the engagement ring (and therefore the engagement) weren't 'real' and DH would change his mind and stay single to take care of her.

bride2b71614 · May 2014

Thank you all for your kind words. Dinner went smoothly. She is in a better mood today so I am just relaxing with her. I think that bringing this up with her to say how it hurt me (even when I've cooled down) is a lost cause. On an unrelated note I was walking around and saw an advertisement for a divorce attorney that read "when diamonds aren't forever" and I said well thank goodness I don't have a diamond! Then laughed it off. Please understand that I do not knock those with a preference for diamonds, they are also very pretty, but they aren't for me.

GoldenPenguin · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

carliealissa said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

My e-ring is a sapphire. When DH's BSC grandmother made a comment about it 'not being a real engagement ring,' I smiled sweetly and said, 'Well, I guess that not buying into an artificial scarcity market built on the blood and bodies of African workers during the early 19th century makes me a horrible person who just prefers to be traditional, socially responsible, and sentimental, since this stone was my grandmother's birth stone.' Diamonds didn't become traditional engagement stones until King Leopold began exploiting the Congo in the early 1900s. Before that, it was sapphires, emeralds, or rubies. And the mentality of 'a diamond is a symbol of commitment' comes from a very successful DeBeers marketing campaign in the 1930s.

(Kind of) funny story; a few years ago my FMIL (then boyfriend's mom) was asking me about what kind of E ring I would want. I thought we were just having a conversation and basically went on a rant similar to what you said above, and said if it were a diamond it would have to be conflict-free, etc. etc. Turns out she was asking because she already had a diamond in a safe waiting for when FI was someday ready to get engaged. I think she just wanted to make sure I was cool with a round cut and didn't want square, or something like that. Major foot in mouth!! I still feel bad remembering this conversation.

I generally don't talk about why I didn't want a diamond unless I'm asked. I don't have a problem with other people wanting diamonds, or wanting whatever stone makes them happy.

Generally, people look at my e-ring, realise it's a sapphire, and are like, 'Duh, that makes sense for you, HisGirl.' There are diamonds in my e-ring and wedding band, but they're conflict-free. And they're actually Canadian, which DH loves because he went to school there.

I went off on BSC grandma because she had pushed me JUST FAR ENOUGH that I was annoyed and also because her insinuation was that the engagement ring (and therefore the engagement) weren't 'real' and DH would change his mind and stay single to take care of her.

I feel this way too. I tried on some very gorgeous diamonds when we went ring shopping, but they just didn't feel "right." Anyone that knows me and knows that I'm getting morganite thinks it's perfect for me.

Now, if it would only show up...

Blackbird230 · May 2014

Sending engagement pony vibes to @GoldenPenguin! He's gotta have something really good up his sleeve.

carliealissa · May 2014

Kinda jealous of all of you who had a say in your ring down to what kind of stone! FI and I had never been ring shopping once. I know it's kind of bitchy and ungrateful, but I do kind of wish I had gotten to have a say in what my ring looks like. I never would have picked it myself.

Blackbird230 · May 2014

@carliealissa, What does your ring look like? Also, I would have been also kind of flattered if my FI had done it by himself. It shows how much they know you. My FI was one of those ones who didn't have a clue about jewelry and needed the guidance. I also love so many gemstones, he had a tough time.

carliealissa · May 2014

Blackbird230 said:

@carliealissa, What does your ring look like? Also, I would have been also kind of flattered if my FI had done it by himself. It shows how much they know you. My FI was one of those ones who didn't have a clue about jewelry and needed the guidance. I also love so many gemstones, he had a tough time.

My ring is beautiful (i guess) and the stone is large, so it feels really unacceptable to be anything but thrilled with it. It does mean a lot to me that FI put a lot of thought into picking it out, and that clearly, he loves it. It's just not a style I ever would have chosen. So I guess he doesn't know me well, ha!

When we first went to get it sized I had the option to choose a different ring, but I didn't like anything else they had enough to change what FI had chosen for me, and I was too nervous to do a custom design, so I missed the opportunity. Like I said I'd never been ring shopping before, and at that time I was still shellshocked at even being engaged! I just decided I would grow to love it, and it didn't really happen.

I actually do think we are going to revisit changing it though, because the one thing I hate about the ring is the height. I'm left handed and it's constantly in the way, and it's getting all banged up. I actually just noticed a few days ago that one of the tiny stones in the halo has fallen out. If we can just get the band changed so its closer to my finger I'll be happy. I feel terrible about possibly putting a damper on this whole ring thing for FI, but.. I don't like wearing it! If I'm being honest I think I feel a little resentful that I never got to have any input at all in the first place.

Whew sorry for that rant/tangent OP!

ETA: I think that's actually what bothers me- it made me feel like he apparently does not know me at all. I guess I'm catastrophizing and that could only apply to ring taste.

KeptInStitches · May 2014

TwoDimes said:

Blackbird230 said:

@carliealissa, What does your ring look like? Also, I would have been also kind of flattered if my FI had done it by himself. It shows how much they know you. My FI was one of those ones who didn't have a clue about jewelry and needed the guidance. I also love so many gemstones, he had a tough time.

I used to think this, but I don't anymore.

BF and I have been together for almost 5 years, and he knows me very well. But that doesn't necessarily mean he knew exactly which engagement rings I like.

BF had no reason to know my favorite engagement ring style because it's not something that just comes up in everyday conversation, KWIM? He knows what kind of rings I like now, because we've talked about and looked at rings together. But I wouldn't expect him to just "know me" well enough to pick the perfect ring, because *I* wasn't even sure what I liked until I tried some on.

For example, BF knows me well enough to know I'd like something simple versus something elaborate. But "simple" can mean SO many things when it comes to engagement rings. For just a random example, I prefer a setting with four prongs instead of six. But a traditional, "simple" solitaire setting often has six prongs. BF would have no way of just knowing that unless I told him outright. And if I didn't tell him I prefer four prongs, and he got me a setting with six prongs, I wouldn't think that meant he didn't "know me" well enough. KWIM? I'm not sure I'm making any sense....

ETA - to (hopefully) clarify - If I continue with the example in the last paragraph: If BF were to get me a setting with six prongs without knowing I dislike them, that wouldn't mean he didn't "know me." BUT if he got me something super duper elaborate with a bizillion diamonds and filigree and the whole nine yards.... THEN I might think he didn't know me very well!

I agree with @TwoDimes. FI didn't really know what "low and small" meant before we worked together to look at settings. In addition, when he had me whittling down settings to ones I liked and would wear, I threw out several of his "favorites" in the process. I would have been grateful for any ring he got me, but I might not have actually liked it as much.

GoldenPenguin · May 2014

I agree with @twodimes. I only wear a simple, silver claddaugh ring, which doesn't give any insight to what I like in engagement rings. 99% of the other jewelry I wear on a daily basis is silver - two Alex & Ani bracelets on my right wrist, an all-silver Cape Cod bracelet on my left wrist, and my Maine necklace. I JUST got a rose gold infinity necklace, which is the only non-silver jewelry I own (other than dressy necklaces/earrings).

BF NEVER would have known that a rose gold morganite ring was my preference if I hadn't told him. He didn't even know what morganite was until I told him that's what I wanted! That doesn't mean he doesn't "know" me - he just would have had no clue given what I wear on a daily basis.

carliealissa · May 2014

I so agree too!! You're right- I don't really feel like he doesn't "know me". I guess I was just struggling to identify my feelings. We've been together over 5 years too. After we'd been together a couple years, I used to try to get him to go ring shopping. He always said he didn't want to look until he was actually ready to buy one/be engaged. After we did get engaged, he told me that when he WAS ready, he realized he couldn't tell me and take me ring shopping because it would spoil the surprise. (I guess it was really important to him for some reason that I be utterly shocked and blindsided by the proposal. I was.)

@keptinstitches- I had mentioned to FI at one point that I loved bezel settings. I love that clean, simple look. He picked out a halo, and kept pointing out to me how he picked it because it looked so much like a bezel. Lol! erm.. totally the same. At least he remembered the word bezel.

Here's my ring pics- The top view I do love. Side- no.

Blackbird230 · May 2014

I think @TwoDimes eta is what I was attempting to say, but saying it badly. Like the extremes. I dunno. It feels like a Monday. I should stop talking. :P

KeptInStitches · May 2014

It's been the week of "and." I agree with @blackbird230 and @twodimes, I need the weekend.

GoldenPenguin · May 2014

I've been having to remind myself to NOT say "Have a nice weekend" since Tuesday. I also need the weekend.

bride2b71614 · May 2014

@GoldenPenguin (and anyone else waiting for a sparkle pony), I hope it comes soon!

BreMR · May 2014

I have had nightmares about my engagement ring (how shitty am I?) in one dream it was a super sparkly religious cross. So I really wanted to go shopping with my bf for a ring because I wanted to make sure he had an idea.

However, when we got to the jewelry store and I told the salesman what I wanted he gave me one to try on and it was atrocious! I use to think I wanted an all diamond band (no pave, no channel set just round diamonds) with a single solitaire princess cut. It looked horrible on my tiny fingers... turns out the ring I fell in love with was pave, and channel set.. two things I swore I didn't want. There is no way he could pick out a ring because he knew me, clearly I didn't even know me when it came to e-rings.

FWIW @carliealissa your ring is gorgeous... not that my opinion will change your thoughts on it. Just throwing it out there

EDIT: I tried to format because paragraphs are not working, it's just not my friend tonight.

FoxandBunny · May 2014

BF and I have already been ring shopping even though getting engaged isn't in the plans for a good while. BF knew from just my personality and jewelry that I like simple, classic, and silver/white gold. However, if we hadn't gone together, he may not have known that even though I'm super simple, I like small accent stones on rings. In fact, we found one that I just die over every time we go into that store (I have to try it on every time!) that has two small stones on either side of the diamond. It's just enough to make it stand out but not super distracting. If it was up to him, he might have gone with a normal solitaire, which I'm not totally in love with. Also, my fingers are tiny and awkwardly proportioned, so a lot of rings look weird on my hand.

@carliealissa - I know how you feel about being left handed! I'm left handed as well and have already told BF to get me a ring that is set lower than normal because I'm afraid that it would get caught or damaged.

Blackbird230 · May 2014

@FoxandBunny, it's something about when you find the one you like, you can't tear yourself away from it. FI and I found my ring at a local jeweler's and after that, nothing I tried on could compare. It will probably be the same when I find my dress.

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