Destination Wedding RSVP Etiquette

theexactlee · May 2014

One of my girlfriends from high school, who I still keep in touch with but was very very close with through high school and college is having a destination wedding. She is inviting myself and my husband (we know this because we share a best friend so our best friend told me today that we were invited) He can not come and I would not want to travel alone. Is it at all appropriate to ask her if I can RSVP for myself and my mother? She knows my mother and was close with her when we were growing up, so she is certainly not a stranger and my mom would love to see her get married. I wouldn't do this if it were a local wedding, honestly probably even if it were in the immediately contingent US states. But traveling to outside North America...I would be more comfortable with a partner. I certainly don't want to miss the wedding. Opinions?

Maggie0829 · May 2014

Invitations are not transferable. If your H can't make it then he can't make it. It would not be appropriate to ask if your Mom can take his place. That being said, there is nothing wrong with your Mom travelling with you and she hanging out and relaxing while you attend the wedding. But I would not ask if your Mom can attend in place of your H.

CrazyCatLady3 · May 2014

Maggie0829 said:

Invitations are not transferable. If your H can't make it then he can't make it. It would not be appropriate to ask if your Mom can take his place. That being said, there is nothing wrong with your Mom travelling with you and she hanging out and relaxing while you attend the wedding. But I would not ask if your Mom can attend in place of your H.

This is a good idea. Also, you could casually mention to your friend that your mom will be travelling with you but will hang out/do another activity during the wedding. Then if your friend wants, she could extend the invite to your mom. But just make sure you say this casually and not as if you want/expect her to be invited.

JCbride2015 · May 2014

CrazyCatLady3 said:

Maggie0829 said:

Invitations are not transferable. If your H can't make it then he can't make it. It would not be appropriate to ask if your Mom can take his place. That being said, there is nothing wrong with your Mom travelling with you and she hanging out and relaxing while you attend the wedding. But I would not ask if your Mom can attend in place of your H.

This is a good idea. Also, you could casually mention to your friend that your mom will be travelling with you but will hang out/do another activity during the wedding. Then if your friend wants, she could extend the invite to your mom. But just make sure you say this casually and not as if you want/expect her to be invited.

Yep, you can't ask your friend or just sub the RSVP.

But you can have your mom travel with you. And (if you can pull it off really casually) just mention your mom will be traveling with you and you'll make a little vacation out of it together. Then the ball is in your friend's court to invite your mom or not.

delujm0 · May 2014

Have your mom travel with you. Send the RSVP back for only yourself with a note that your H is sorry he can't make it. If she contacts you at all, or you have an easy opening to do so, casually mention that your mom is traveling with you. She may offer to let your mom come, especially if this is something like at a Sandals where they basically assume everyone who has booked rooms in the official hotel block is attending the reception. If I was the bride, I'd certainly allow it. It's not reqired, but I'd personally feel that if someone paid all that money to go to my wedding I'd let them bring whoever they wanted to as their date.

However, my assumptions above hinge on whether this is actually a DW. I don't consider it a DW unless it's in a difficult to get to location for 100% of the guests, including the bride and groom. A place that is a few hours drive and requires one night at a hotel doesn't really count in my mind. A Vegas or Caribbean Island wedding would count (unless that's where the bride, groom, or one of their families currently lives).

sofakingmad · May 2014

I see no issue asking her about it. She might tell you no, but that's life.

I was a destination bride and I would have been more than happy to accommodate you and whoever you wanted to travel with.

aurianna · May 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

I see no issue asking her about it. She might tell you no, but that's life.

I was a destination bride and I would have been more than happy to accommodate you and whoever you wanted to travel with.

No, do not do this.
It puts the bride in a very awkward position.
It's entirely possible she didn't invite people she was close to in order to invite OP and her husband. Asking for her to host the uninvited mother isn't cool (especially if OPs mother gets to come but other friends and family of the bride may not have been invited). If she doesn't want to accommodate the mother then she's stuck either looking like a bad guy and saying no, or succumbing to pressure and saying yes despite not really wanting to. This is not a nice thing to do to the bride.

OP, definitely listen to the other posters' suggestions. Travel with your mom if you want to. Have a fun girls' vacation. If it comes up in conversation with the bride, feel free to mention how excited you are about the wedding and how your mom is traveling with you so you're also super excited to take a vacation with her. If she extends the invite to your mom then, great! If not, you can always leave the reception a little early and just chill with Mom.

Another option... you clearly share some mutual friends. Any chance you can travel with them?

a13049 · May 2014

I am torn here, because etiquette says don't ask. However, I am having a DW and would be more than happy to accommodate your mother, if it meant that you could come. If you talk to your friend, let her know you would love to come to the wedding but you don't think DH is available that weekend and you are uncomfortable traveling alone. If she wants to offer you a guest, then she will.

Jen4948 · May 2014

Your mom can travel with you, but she cannot accompany you to the wedding in your husband's place.

photokitty · May 2014

I get what etiquette says, but personally IMHO it is rude to have a DW and not allow the guests to bring a travel companion.

In this case, the B&G already budgeted for two people. I think the invited guests should be important enough to the B&G that they would happily accommodate an invitation transfer, especially if it made the difference between a loved one attending or not.

So while it's rude, I would consider bringing it up. Say, "I'd really like to go but Bob can't. I was thinking about asking mom to go on the trip with me, but I don't know what she would do all day on Saturday."

Again, I know this in not E-approved, but I think DW require more flexibility of guests, and as such B&Gs should be more flexible as well....not to mention the increased cost of being a DW guest.

SJM7538 · May 2014

I am going to go out on a limb here and say my answer would depend on how close you are still with the bride/couple.

If you are very close I don't see an issue with asking, especially since this is a DW wedding. If you're not that close I would probably do what PPs said and just RSVP for yourself and bring your mom as a travel companion.

I'd also just use your best judgement on how you think she would react. If she's a total bridezilla I wouldn't even bother. But if she is a completely rational person then I don't see a problem with asking.

smalfrie19 · May 2014

I personally do not see an issue with asking either. If I any of my OOT friends ask me if they can bring a friend as opposed to their SO, I don't have a problem. Its when people ASSUME they get a plus one that bothers me. But if I have already budgeted for two, its no skin off my nose.

sofakingmad · May 2014

photokitty said:

I get what etiquette says, but personally IMHO it is rude to have a DW and not allow the guests to bring a travel companion.

In this case, the B&G already budgeted for two people. I think the invited guests should be important enough to the B&G that they would happily accommodate an invitation transfer, especially if it made the difference between a loved one attending or not.

So while it's rude, I would consider bringing it up. Say, "I'd really like to go but Bob can't. I was thinking about asking mom to go on the trip with me, but I don't know what she would do all day on Saturday."

Again, I know this in not E-approved, but I think DW require more flexibility of guests, and as such B&Gs should be more flexible as well....not to mention the increased cost of being a DW guest.

Yep.

sofakingmad · May 2014

Etiquette is about making sure your guests are comfortable and as a Destination Bride, if I really wanted my friend to be there and her H couldn't make it, I'd want her to be comfortable bringing someone else along to travel and hang out with.

That's just being a good friend.

But do whatever you feel comfortable doing. If you think it would be awkward asking her, then don't do it. Decline the invite or take your mom and have her sit at the hotel while you go to the wedding.

theexactlee · May 2014

Wow you guys provided me with a lot of really great suggestions. I did not even consider the ida of my mom just coming to chill out with me and not even attending the event. The wedding is in Puerto Rico so definitely a DW as not one of the people invited live there. We are all from Virgina, FL or OR. I mean people are from scattered states but these are the majority.

So I will RSVP to the event for myself and when she asks, because she will (we chat on Facebook often enough that she will ask why Tim can't come) I will say he is annoyingly busy that week with stupid work (which is the way I talk if you haven't noticed) and tell her my Mom is coming with me for mini vacation though but obviously not to the wedding. Most likely she will say "Oh she can come, I'd love her to come!" But if she does not I certainly would not push the issue.

My most important thing was having someone to travel to a "foreign land" with. And unfortunately we really only have the one friend in common now that we have grown up and that friend will be flying in early to do wedding party stuff. I won't be imposing on that especially since I'd have to pay for more days in the hotel.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

photokitty said:

I get what etiquette says, but personally IMHO it is rude to have a DW and not allow the guests to bring a travel companion.

In this case, the B&G already budgeted for two people. I think the invited guests should be important enough to the B&G that they would happily accommodate an invitation transfer, especially if it made the difference between a loved one attending or not.

So while it's rude, I would consider bringing it up. Say, "I'd really like to go but Bob can't. I was thinking about asking mom to go on the trip with me, but I don't know what she would do all day on Saturday."

Again, I know this in not E-approved, but I think DW require more flexibility of guests, and as such B&Gs should be more flexible as well....not to mention the increased cost of being a DW guest.

I don't think it's rude at all. No one is forcing anyone to travel to a DW.

And when ppl are actually obligated to travel somewhere for a work function, their companies don't pay for them to have a travel companion.

"But that's work, a DW is different!" You are right, a DW is different bc you can choose not to attend w/o risk of getting fired.

Would it be nice to have the option or ability to travel with a companion to a DW? Sure. But the B&G aren't rude just by having a DW and just because your spouse can't attend and therefore you might have to travel alone, if you choose to go.

2nd bolded- OP, don't do this. It comes off as passive aggressive and manipulative. Either come right out and ask if your mother can attend the wedding with you, or don't say a word about it. Do as other PP's have suggested and mention very tactfully that your mother is traveling with you, and if your friend then decides to invite your mother to her wedding, fine.

photokitty · May 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

photokitty said:

I get what etiquette says, but personally IMHO it is rude to have a DW and not allow the guests to bring a travel companion.

In this case, the B&G already budgeted for two people. I think the invited guests should be important enough to the B&G that they would happily accommodate an invitation transfer, especially if it made the difference between a loved one attending or not.

So while it's rude, I would consider bringing it up. Say, "I'd really like to go but Bob can't. I was thinking about asking mom to go on the trip with me, but I don't know what she would do all day on Saturday."

Again, I know this in not E-approved, but I think DW require more flexibility of guests, and as such B&Gs should be more flexible as well....not to mention the increased cost of being a DW guest.

I don't think it's rude at all. No one is forcing anyone to travel to a DW.

And when ppl are actually obligated to travel somewhere for a work function, their companies don't pay for them to have a travel companion.

"But that's work, a DW is different!" You are right, a DW is different bc you can choose not to attend w/o risk of getting fired.

Would it be nice to have the option or ability to travel with a companion to a DW? Sure. But the B&G aren't rude just by having a DW and just because your spouse can't attend and therefore you might have to travel alone, if you choose to go.

2nd bolded- OP, don't do this. It comes off as passive aggressive and manipulative. Either come right out and ask if your mother can attend the wedding with you, or don't say a word about it. Do as other PP's have suggested and mention very tactfully that your mother is traveling with you, and if your friend then decides to invite your mother to her wedding, fine.

Ahh, yes, but the company pays for the worker to travel. They pay for the airfare, hotel, transportation and typically expenses and meals. If you travel alone to a DW you have to foot the bill for all those things, on the flip side if you have a travel companion some of those expenses might be split in half.

That's why I was careful to say personally and IMHO and that it's not e-approved, but I personally find it rude to not extend a travel companion for DW. It doesn't matter to me if it is not against etiquette. I just think DW already expect a lot out of guests and to offer a travel companion, especially oversees, is not a lot to ask of a B&G.

What I suggested OP say is passive aggressive, I guess that's just how I am sometimes. Honestly I would probably just call my friend up and flat out ask, bc even though it is rude, it would be the difference between me traveling or not. Luckily OP has come up with her own solution.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

photokitty said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

photokitty said:

I get what etiquette says, but personally IMHO it is rude to have a DW and not allow the guests to bring a travel companion.

In this case, the B&G already budgeted for two people. I think the invited guests should be important enough to the B&G that they would happily accommodate an invitation transfer, especially if it made the difference between a loved one attending or not.

So while it's rude, I would consider bringing it up. Say, "I'd really like to go but Bob can't. I was thinking about asking mom to go on the trip with me, but I don't know what she would do all day on Saturday."

Again, I know this in not E-approved, but I think DW require more flexibility of guests, and as such B&Gs should be more flexible as well....not to mention the increased cost of being a DW guest.

I don't think it's rude at all. No one is forcing anyone to travel to a DW.

And when ppl are actually obligated to travel somewhere for a work function, their companies don't pay for them to have a travel companion.

"But that's work, a DW is different!" You are right, a DW is different bc you can choose not to attend w/o risk of getting fired.

Would it be nice to have the option or ability to travel with a companion to a DW? Sure. But the B&G aren't rude just by having a DW and just because your spouse can't attend and therefore you might have to travel alone, if you choose to go.

2nd bolded- OP, don't do this. It comes off as passive aggressive and manipulative. Either come right out and ask if your mother can attend the wedding with you, or don't say a word about it. Do as other PP's have suggested and mention very tactfully that your mother is traveling with you, and if your friend then decides to invite your mother to her wedding, fine.

Ahh, yes, but the company pays for the worker to travel. They pay for the airfare, hotel, transportation and typically expenses and meals. If you travel alone to a DW you have to foot the bill for all those things, on the flip side if you have a travel companion some of those expenses might be split in half.

That's why I was careful to say personally and IMHO and that it's not e-approved, but I personally find it rude to not extend a travel companion for DW. It doesn't matter to me if it is not against etiquette. I just think DW already expect a lot out of guests and to offer a travel companion, especially oversees, is not a lot to ask of a B&G.

What I suggested OP say is passive aggressive, I guess that's just how I am sometimes. Honestly I would probably just call my friend up and flat out ask, bc even though it is rude, it would be the difference between me traveling or not. Luckily OP has come up with her own solution.

But if you accept knowing that you are having to travel alone because your SO or guest or whatever can't make it then you pretty much are aware that you have to pay for everything yourself and you are fine with that (because if you aren't then you would just decline the invite). Again this is a decision that the guest gets to make. As with work trips they of course will pay for everything because you typically do not have a choice in going or not.

In the end, DW or not, invites are not transferable. You either accept the invite knowing that you will be attending solo or your decline it because you don't want to travel by yourself.

ashleyep · May 2014

I'm with you @photokitty. I'd rather a guest just ask me. Then I can either say "sure! I was already counting on 2 people" or "I'm sorry, we're only inviting people with SO's. If I let you bring someone else, it's not fair to our single guests."

In this case though, I think bringing mom for vacation and then hoping it comes up in conversation why hubby isn't coming is a decent solution. At least you're not traveling alone.

photokitty · May 2014

Maggie0829 said:

photokitty said:

Ahh, yes, but the company pays for the worker to travel. They pay for the airfare, hotel, transportation and typically expenses and meals. If you travel alone to a DW you have to foot the bill for all those things, on the flip side if you have a travel companion some of those expenses might be split in half.

That's why I was careful to say personally and IMHO and that it's not e-approved, but I personally find it rude to not extend a travel companion for DW. It doesn't matter to me if it is not against etiquette. I just think DW already expect a lot out of guests and to offer a travel companion, especially oversees, is not a lot to ask of a B&G.

What I suggested OP say is passive aggressive, I guess that's just how I am sometimes. Honestly I would probably just call my friend up and flat out ask, bc even though it is rude, it would be the difference between me traveling or not. Luckily OP has come up with her own solution.

But if you accept knowing that you are having to travel alone because your SO or guest or whatever can't make it then you pretty much are aware that you have to pay for everything yourself and you are fine with that (because if you aren't then you would just decline the invite). Again this is a decision that the guest gets to make. As with work trips they of course will pay for everything because you typically do not have a choice in going or not.

In the end, DW or not, invites are not transferable. You either accept the invite knowing that you will be attending solo or your decline it because you don't want to travel by yourself.

I understand all these things, however....if I was a DW bride, I would want people to tell me if they could not attend bc their SO could not go and they didn't want to travel alone. I would have budgeted for two people and I would happily transfer the invite so my friend could be there even if her husband could not. It would be rude to address the invite to Sue and Bob (or guest if Bob can't come). I don't think everything is always black and white, if I was a DW bride I'd rather have the option of saying, sorry we'll miss you - rather than just have my high school friend decline bc she wanted to take her mom since her husband couldn't attend an overseas wedding.

Again, this is all JMHO.

If you can't tell, I'm not a huge fan of DW bc of all these factors. I skipped a dear friend's wedding bc it was in the middle of a 5 day cruise, I was invited solo and our 3 other friends she invited couldn't go. When I pointed out that I wouldn't know anyone and would want to hang out with her and her DH she suggested I not come. She still complains that none of her friends were there, and I always point out I was willing to come... If she had extended the option of me bringing a travel companion I might have attended.

*ETA my bad, overseas, not international wedding.

aurianna · May 2014

smalfrie19 said:

I personally do not see an issue with asking either. If I any of my OOT friends ask me if they can bring a friend as opposed to their SO, I don't have a problem. Its when people ASSUME they get a plus one that bothers me. But if I have already budgeted for two, its no skin off my nose.

So when I got married I invited my friend and her husband. They both RSVPd yes.
Then a few weeks before the wedding (but before final headcount was due) she told me her husband couldn't make it anymore and asked if she could bring a friend instead.
I know I didn't have to say yes. She wasn't traveling and she'd know other people at the wedding, and it's $150 I could have saved by saying no. And I had never met this friend.
But she asked and I didn't want to be "the bad guy" so I chickened out and just said yes.

I didn't like being put in that situation and I wouldn't want to put others in it.

But as others said, this might be a judgement call.

sofakingmad · May 2014

I guess in my situation, I was inviting all SOs (obviously) and all singles got a guest. So for me, I saw no difference if Sally brought her H or if she brought her BFF. I was budgeting for the same amount of people anyways. And I wanted my friends to be happy and comfortable. And most importantly, I wanted them to be there and if that meant traveling with a friend/family member, I would definitely accommodate whoever.

sofakingmad · May 2014

But it is against Etiquette, so uh, don't do it.

smalfrie19 · May 2014

aurianna said:

smalfrie19 said:

I personally do not see an issue with asking either. If I any of my OOT friends ask me if they can bring a friend as opposed to their SO, I don't have a problem. Its when people ASSUME they get a plus one that bothers me. But if I have already budgeted for two, its no skin off my nose.

So when I got married I invited my friend and her husband. They both RSVPd yes.
Then a few weeks before the wedding (but before final headcount was due) she told me her husband couldn't make it anymore and asked if she could bring a friend instead.
I know I didn't have to say yes. She wasn't traveling and she'd know other people at the wedding, and it's $150 I could have saved by saying no. And I had never met this friend.
But she asked and I didn't want to be "the bad guy" so I chickened out and just said yes.

I didn't like being put in that situation and I wouldn't want to put others in it.

But as others said, this might be a judgement call.

I guess its just a personal thing. Most single guests are getting plus ones to my wedding anyways. I am generally an accommodating person, its why I am in customer service. I want to be nice to people 99% of the time. I don't have a problem being flexible or changing my plans to suit someone else. But I know other people are not that way, and that's ok too. But I do believe that learning to say "No" is a skill. I don't think that if you don't want to say yes, that you should. I say yes because I want to, not because I feel obligated.

photokitty · May 2014

DragonBlood13 said:

But it is against Etiquette, so uh, don't do it.

Uhh, yeah...what she said

artbyallie · May 2014

Hey, um, for the record, PR is not out of the country. We're going there on vacation this summer specifically because we don't need a passport to go. It's a U.S. territory. Just wanted to say that since everything else was addressed already.

theexactlee · May 2014

PR is outside of North America and is not a state, they are a territory and get many benefits of being a state. They do however not require a passport you are correct.

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