One of my BMs is due 4 weeks before the wedding... and I never even asked her to be a BM.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

So you have only been engaged two weeks and you are already having this much drama? I can only imagine what the rest of your wedding planning is going to be like.

KGold80 · May 2014

SoultarGirl said:

Yes, I should have put on my big girl pants and told her. As for not getting her alone, but talking this other stuff. It was in front of the other BMs. I've only been engaged for 2 weeks, dress shopped for ME the other day, which is when she asked the consultant on her dress stuff. No dresses have been chosen, but I want them all the same.

I DO feel like I have a good idea how she will be after birth as I have helped her after 2 minor surgeries and she does not respond well to any pain whatsoever. Yes, she might be perfectly fine after, I could have done it, but no one else I know could have. But that is moot.

I would not have asked her even not pregnant. Her hormones are making things tricky as I do not want to piss her off and now I think it might be too late. So my bad. I was just hoping someone had a tactful way of putting her right (she's only been back in the country for a week). I am NOT tactful. I am as awkward as they come. I am also non-confrontational, therein lies my problem.

As far as how she thinks she is in my party without being asked? I don't really know. I'm not in her head. I guess since we hang out, er, hung out, frequently.

Well, you probably shouldn't have brought her along dress shopping. That right there might have led her to assume that she was in the wedding party. You now don't really have a choice but to keep her as a bridesmaid because there is NO tactful way to accomplish that. If the day comes and she can't stand up for you because she's just had a baby....well, stuff happens.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

crunchymamaof2 said:
And why was she dress shopping with you? And when is you're wedding that you're doing that stuff so soon?

Clearly it's in less than 8 months if her friend a) already knows she's pregnant and b) is due 4 weeks before the wedding. Not that it matters, but this is not "soon" for dress shopping.

I do agree though that going dress shopping probably contributed a lot to her assuming she's in the wedding. Congrats, you have one more bridesmaid now. Better to just roll with it.

gladyscf · May 2014

Don't you usually take your BP dress shopping with you? Or at least who is able to attend with you?

I certainly couldn't see myself bringing someone who was not going to be in my BP with me to try on dresses. To me this moment is reserved for those closest to me who are standing with me. And my mom of course.

SoultarGirl · May 2014

I value her input, that's why she was with us. I had chosen who I would like long ago, and decided I liked the number 3, so she couldn't be part of it. Especially after she had tried to take over my friend's wedding, since, as I said, I'm non-confrontational and I don't think I could handle a BM like that. I hadn't spoken to anyone but my sister and FI about who.

The wedding is October, so I had only 6 months to plan this all out.

I'll be speaking with her today. Thanks crunchymama.

CC0805 · May 2014

Well, to be honest, when I first got engaged a couple of friends of mine and I ducked into a David's Bridal since it was next door to the teacher store. One is a BM, the other isn't. Neither of them expected to be since they both knew I originally wanted a small BP so they wouldn't be able to, and they were fine with it. (that didn't end up happening, but that's another story all together)

To go back to your original question, I agree with @crunchymamaof2 While you are talking to her tonight, I'd also explain that you did only want 3 BMs and you're very sorry she couldn't be in it. Explain that you value her friendship, which is why she went with you, but you had always planned on only 3. Could it be possible to also ask her if she could still contribute to the wedding by doing a reading? That could mean a lot to her. I know it did to me when one of my friends couldn't have me or another college girlfriend because her BP was huge. We both did readings and we still felt like we were a huge part of the day. We both also still helped with everything related to the wedding because we love her and wanted to anyway.

I went off topic, but maybe asking this and explaining that it would mean a lot to you will help?

annathy03 · May 2014

I also had friends that weren't in the BP go dress shopping with me (they were invited as guests of course), only one of my BMs was local and some of my other girlfriends were interested in going too.

OP, it would have been best to talk to her the first time she said something, but if you've only been engaged two weeks I don't think you're obligated to keep her as a bridesmaid if you weren't going to ask her in the first place, but you need to talk to her NOW. Her pregnancy should play no part in this so don't bring that up as a reason, just that you want a small BP and while you love her and value her friendship that you hadn't intended to ask her to be a bridesmaid.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

I only had my Mom and sis (who was also my MOH) come dress shopping with me. I did not ask my other BM because honestly, her taste and my taste for dresses are different and I didn't want to feel pressured into something just because she liked it.

Just because your BMs are your nearest and dearest, when it comes to dress shopping you should take people who won't push their opinion on what you should wear down your throat and who have the same taste in clothing as you do, not just because they happen to be in the BP.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

mrsstatic2b said:

Don't you usually take your BP dress shopping with you? Or at least who is able to attend with you?

I certainly couldn't see myself bringing someone who was not going to be in my BP with me to try on dresses. To me this moment is reserved for those closest to me who are standing with me. And my mom of course.

Not necessarily, no.

The 1st time I went to try on dresses I only invited my Mother, sisters, SIL and FI's mom. I did not invite anyone else from my BP.

The 2nd time I went to try on dresses I invited my mom, my sisters, and a friend who is going to be coming to the wedding but not in the BP because she was very excited and asked to join us.

carliealissa · May 2014

I also only brought my mom and sister. I didn't think 5 (or more) women needed to watch me try on dresses.

sarawifenow · May 2014

It was just me and my mom when we were dress shopping. It was perfect and stress free and I didn't have a ton of opinions being flung at me. We were in and out within an hour and I had my dream dress ordered.

rajahmd · May 2014

Ha. The only person who came dress shopping with me was my then FI (and now DH).

smalfrie19 · May 2014

I took my aunt dress shopping with me the third and final time...and she's not in the wedding party.

huskypuppy14 · May 2014

I went dress shopping with 2 of my friends who were getting married (separate instances) and I was not in either of their wedding parties.

crunchymamaof2 · May 2014

Of course she can bring anyone she wants, but with how she's described this woman it seemed pretty odd to me that she would have gone dress shopping. I can somewhat see why she assumed she was a bridesmaid, even though it was wrong of her.

I asked about the timing because *usually* all these details aren't being done 2 weeks after getting engaged. Unless it's a very short engagement, which she is having. So then it makes sense. Just trying to get the facts.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

SoultarGirl said:

I value her input, that's why she was with us. I had chosen who I would like long ago, and decided I liked the number 3, so she couldn't be part of it. Especially after she had tried to take over my friend's wedding, since, as I said, I'm non-confrontational and I don't think I could handle a BM like that. I hadn't spoken to anyone but my sister and FI about who.

The wedding is October, so I had only 6 months to plan this all out.

I'll be speaking with her today. Thanks crunchymama.

If you value her input AND you know she's prone to taking things over, this was kind of a recipe for disaster.

The reason that you liked the number three and decided she couldn't be part of it is kind of crappy.

I think no matter how you slice this, she's going to feel hurt AND feel like you're kicking her out because she's PG. GL.

One of my BMs is due 4 weeks before the wedding... and I never even asked her to be a BM.

Re: One of my BMs is due 4 weeks before the wedding... and I never even asked her to be a BM.

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