Really quick little question about inviting SO

PennyBlossom2311 · May 2014

Okay, before I get going on this, I want to say I would never invite someone without inviting their SO. (Trust me, I'm in this position now but, had to put on big girl panties and invite a friend and her FI, despite my less than stellar feelings of him) This is not about me, but a friend wanted me to ask. I've already told her my opinion, but thought I could get a bit more perspective from you all, and then pass it along.

My friend( we'll call Jane) is a BM in a wedding. She and the bride's FI DO NOT get along at all. I'm not sure why, but it's apparently a long standing issue that has gotten worse since the engagement. Whatever...anyway, Jane is getting married and is getting ready to send out invites. She wants to invite her friend and her friend's mother instead of the FI. I told her that was unacceptable and explained my situation and feelings on the issue. She said she would rather not invite either of them than have him attend. The problem is, the other bride thinks she is invited since Jane is a BM in her wedding. Jane says they talked previously and I guess the other bride is expecting an invitation. There have been no showers yet so the other bride hasn't been involved with anything wedding related and Jane feels her relationship with her friend is no longer in a good place but, the verbal invite was given a few months ago. Does she need to still send an invite to BOTH, or not invite either? Which is worse?

Thoughts? I'm open to all opinions. I don't know what to tell her. I know what I ended up doing but I don't think she wants to go my route. Thanks!

Jen4948 · May 2014

Jane would be rude to invite her friend's mother as opposed to her FI. Unfortunately, Jane is stuck inviting them both having given her friend a verbal invitation.

Inkdancer · May 2014

Too darn bad for her. Jane needs to either deal with the issues with this other bride's FI or not invite either of them.

sarawifenow · May 2014

Her feelings on the SO do not matter. She needs to invite both of them as a social unit or not invite either of them (which may be a friendship ending move). End of story.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

PennyBlossom2311 said:

Okay, before I get going on this, I want to say I would never invite someone without inviting their SO. (Trust me, I'm in this position now but, had to put on big girl panties and invite a friend and her FI, despite my less than stellar feelings of him) This is not about me, but a friend wanted me to ask. I've already told her my opinion, but thought I could get a bit more perspective from you all, and then pass it along.

My friend( we'll call Jane) is a BM in a wedding. She and the bride's FI DO NOT get along at all. I'm not sure why, but it's apparently a long standing issue that has gotten worse since the engagement. Whatever...anyway, Jane is getting married and is getting ready to send out invites. She wants to invite her friend and her friend's mother instead of the FI. I told her that was unacceptable and explained my situation and feelings on the issue. She said she would rather not invite either of them than have him attend. The problem is, the other bride thinks she is invited since Jane is a BM in her wedding. Jane says they talked previously and I guess the other bride is expecting an invitation. There have been no showers yet so the other bride hasn't been involved with anything wedding related and Jane feels her relationship with her friend is no longer in a good place but, the verbal invite was given a few months ago. Does she need to still send an invite to BOTH, or not invite either? Which is worse?

Thoughts? I'm open to all opinions. I don't know what to tell her. I know what I ended up doing but I don't think she wants to go my route. Thanks!

First question, if she hates the FI, why is she standing up in the wedding? And why is the bride allowing it? You can bet your ass that if someone hated DH that badly, he or she would not have been invited to the wedding, let alone asked to stand up with me.

Second of all, if she would rather invite neither of them than invite the FI, then that's what she should do. It will hurt the other bride's feelings terribly and it will probably end their friendship (and result in Jane being kicked out of the WP), but that's the consequence of Jane's actions.

However much Jane hates the FI, he is now part of her friend's social unit, and the choices are include them both or include neither of them.

Any decision Jane makes OTHER THAN inviting them and being polite will be a friendship-ending move. If she feels her friendship with the other bride is no longer in a good place, then maybe she's ready to write off the friendship, and that's OK.

phira · May 2014

Since she gave a verbal invite, she's pretty stuck. Sorry.

I will say that it's REALLY common for people to assume that they're invited to weddings, especially when the weddings are pretty close together (e.g. within a few years, as opposed to 10 years later), and especially when one person was in the other person's wedding party.

A friend of mine got married last year and asked me to be a bridesmaid. I ended up not being able to attend the wedding, but I was still an honorary bridesmaid (i.e. my friend and I still treat the situation as if I was one of her bridesmaids, even though I wasn't at the wedding). I didn't mention anything to my friend about my own wedding after I got engaged (maybe 4-5 months after her wedding); we live in different parts of the country and haven't talked often over the past year or so. Just the standard congrats through facebook, nothing more than that.

However, her husband is in a band and they have to iron out their calendar about a year in advance. So she asked me when my wedding was so they could schedule around it. It wasn't that we weren't planning on inviting her and her husband to the wedding ... so much as it was that she wasn't a VIP (no save-the-date) and we were waiting until closer to the wedding to really finalize the guest list, just in case costs unexpectedly went up or budget unexpectedly went down.

So basically, it wasn't that we had not even THOUGHT to invite her, or that we didn't want to. It was that I wasn't ready to commit to inviting her so early in the planning process. But I was caught off-guard, and there's no easy way to say, "Here's our date but you might not be invited," so I let it go, gave her the date, and put her on the "must invite" list.

OP, the good news for Jane is that she doesn't have to actually spend time with this douchebag at all. Just a polite, "Thank you for coming!" and that's it.

short+sassy · May 2014

Not inviting her friend at all could be a friendship ending move, especially after the verbal invite and the fact that they are close enough for her to be a BM in friend's wedding. But inviting friend with mother instead of SO is even worse.

If she is hoping to maintain this friendship at all, she should just invite friend with SO. Until I got married...and it was even a very small wedding...I never realized how little a bride actually interacts with each guest. I see a lot on here brides talking about how it will be so horrible to have this and that person at their wedding because (insert issue here). But, in reality, if there is someone a bride/groom doesn't like or approve of at their wedding, it is very easy to keep interactions to a minimum. I would picture she'd probably only have to say hi to him in the receiving line/table visit. Maybe talk to her friend for a few minutes while he is merely standing there. That would probably be it.

Simply Fated · May 2014

It's both or neither, which probably isn't what your friend wants to hear.
If it's any consolation, my group of closest friends has a SO in the mix that none if us can stand, too. One of my friends chose not to invite either of them. It didn't end thefriendship, but it definitely strained it beyond repair.
It's up to your friend, good luck to her!

annathy03 · May 2014

Yeah, she needs to invite both. Unless she is done with the friendship, in which case neither.

tammym1001 · May 2014

I can't get past the part that she's willing to stand up in this woman's wedding as a BM, but she hates the FI so much that she doesn't want to see him for 5 seconds at her own wedding. That makes absolutely no sense to me. She will definitely see him a lot more and spend a lot more time with him (photos and such) at his wedding than she will at hers.

phira · May 2014

tammym1001 said:

I can't get past the part that she's willing to stand up in this woman's wedding as a BM, but she hates the FI so much that she doesn't want to see him for 5 seconds at her own wedding. That makes absolutely no sense to me. She will definitely see him a lot more and spend a lot more time with him (photos and such) at his wedding than she will at hers.

Eh, I can understand it in some situations. But it's definitely true--she's going to spend a lot more time with this asshole at his wedding, since she's a bridesmaid, than she will at her own.

PennyBlossom2311 · May 2014

Thank you ladies! I really appreciate the info!

I'm not sure where the dislike stems from, but know it has gotten worse since the engagement. I think the dislike is more on his side and his actions and words have pushed her over the edge. She says she has always been cordial to the FI but he dislikes her for whatever reason he does and she no longer wants anything to do with him. (Something about derogatory statements he made about her FI and that he gives their marriage two years at best.)

Understandably, I wouldn't want someone like that attending my wedding but she doesn't have to talk with him on the wedding day. Her family knows about what he said about her FI and she's worried that since it will be such a small wedding it will be awkward. She only invited the bride friend bc she is in her wedding party and she asked when the invitations would come. (She didn't nip it in the bud then and say it would only be a small ceremony of family and didn't want to hurt the bride's feelings. Again I get that, it's tough when someone you're close with asks and you weren't planning on inviting them) But, she did and is kind of stuck with it. I told her she should invite both since the invitation was already verbally given, and maybe they/he won't come. If he/they do attend, just say hello and thank them for coming and just leave them be. But it being really small, I know she would feel bad if they were sitting alone and no one wanted to talk with them...Hate to say it but, he made the bed he can lay in it. We're adults. I just feel bad for her bc it's a sticky situation.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

If the animosity is because the bride's FI is a douchecanoe, well....actions have consequences. If people don't want to sit with them or talk with them because he's an asshole, then the bride needs to consider that that's what's she's marrying when she marries him.

I refuse to feel sorry for people who create their own problems, or allow their SOs to create problems, and then throw pity-parties when those problems come with consequences.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

If this hated FI assaulted Jane, molested her, threatened her life, etc. then Jane should not invite him nor his wife to her wedding. And Jane shouldn't be a BM in this hated FI's wedding either.

If this hated FI hasn't done anything to Jane and her dislike is more along the lines that she just thinks he's an asshole, then she needs to read this book: http://www.amazon.com/Assholes-A-Theory-Aaron-James/dp/0385535651

and learn how to tolerate his existence for a brief period of time- long enough to say "Thanks for coming to my wedding" and invite this hated FI and his wife, her friend.

PennyBlossom2311 · May 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 - I am 100% with you. I don't know the bride or the dynamics of her relationship, but I would think something might have clicked. I told Jane the awkwardness will be for him, not her. If they have to sit alone in a corner, then let them and don't feel bad.

PennyBlossom2311 · May 2014

@PrettyLostGirl - I don't think anything crazy had happened between them. I don't think they have ever really gotten along but the problems arose after she accepted being a BM and after she told the bride about her own upcoming wedding. Fast forward a few months and he's said derogatory things about Jane's FI and pretty much said the marriage won't last two years. I think she's worried since her and her friends are planning to go out after the wedding, the bride friend and her FI wont really fit in and will be left out. Out of her control I know, but she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings no matter how she feels about them. She thinks that the dislike for him will carry over to the bride friend since she doesn't know any of Jane's friends and pretty much everyone knows about the things he said...Idk...maybe they won't come and if they do, just smile and leave him/them be.

short+sassy · May 2014

PennyBlossom2311 said:

Thank you ladies! I really appreciate the info!<?xml:namespace prefix = o />

I'm not sure where the dislike stems from, but know it has gotten worse since the engagement. I think the dislike is more on his side and his actions and words have pushed her over the edge. She says she has always been cordial to the FI but he dislikes her for whatever reason he does and she no longer wants anything to do with him. (Something about derogatory statements he made about her FI and that he gives their marriage two years at best.)

Understandably, I wouldn't want someone like that attending my wedding but she doesn't have to talk with him on the wedding day. Her family knows about what he said about her FI and she's worried that since it will be such a small wedding it will be awkward. She only invited the bride friend bc she is in her wedding party and she asked when the invitations would come. (She didn't nip it in the bud then and say it would only be a small ceremony of family and didn't want to hurt the bride's feelings. Again I get that, it's tough when someone you're close with asks and you weren't planning on inviting them) But, she did and is kind of stuck with it. I told her she should invite both since the invitation was already verbally given, and maybe they/he won't come. If he/they do attend, just say hello and thank them for coming and just leave them be. But it being really small, I know she would feel bad if they were sitting alone and no one wanted to talk with them...Hate to say it but, he made the bed he can lay in it. We're adults. I just feel bad for her bc it's a sticky situation.

Since she is having a small wedding, I will expand on my earlier response some.

I only had around 35 people at my wedding, including us and the BP. Even that small, there were still guests I only spoke to for a few minutes here and there. Not on purpose, it was just the way it was.

While I certainly don't blame her for not wanting someone at her wedding who has openly bad-mouthed her and her relationship, inviting him and friend is still the best of bad options. It won't be as bad as she thinks and, like other PPs have said, if they end up isolated because everyone knows what a jerk he is than that is not her problem. Heck, even with an invite they may not come or the friend might come by herself because he does not want to go. Or they will come because the friend wants to show support and then leave early because he doesn't want to be there.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

PennyBlossom2311 said:

@PrettyLostGirl - I don't think anything crazy had happened between them. I don't think they have ever really gotten along but the problems arose after she accepted being a BM and after she told the bride about her own upcoming wedding. Fast forward a few months and he's said derogatory things about Jane's FI and pretty much said the marriage won't last two years. I think she's worried since her and her friends are planning to go out after the wedding, the bride friend and her FI wont really fit in and will be left out. Out of her control I know, but she doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings no matter how she feels about them. She thinks that the dislike for him will carry over to the bride friend since she doesn't know any of Jane's friends and pretty much everyone knows about the things he said...Idk...maybe they won't come and if they do, just smile and leave him/them be.

If this is true, WTF is Jane doing still being in her wedding? If anyone had dissed DH like that, they'd be gone from my life so fast their heads would spin.

Also, if the second bolded is true, well...actions have consequences. If your FI is a douchecanoe, you might get ostracised because people will choose to associate with NEITHER of you rather than putting up with your jackhole SO.

PennyBlossom2311 · May 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 - I'm 100% with you again. I would have split from that if anyone said something derogatory about FI. I would also be furious at my friend if their FI/DH said something and they didn't stand up for me. I'm not sure why Jane hasn't split. I think she is trying to support her friend a be a bigger person or she just doesn't wan to rock the boat. She just doesn't want him at her wedding. I personally think he won't go and she will bring her mom instead. Hopefully that's how it works out.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

I'm often in favour of being the bigger person, but never at DH's expense. EVER. I'm also always in favour of supporting friends (I have one who's doing some fairly stupid relationship stuff lately, and I'm just smiling and nodding), but again -- NEVER at DH's expense.

Have you asked Jane why she hasn't called bride out on that?

PennyBlossom2311 · May 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 - No, she hasn't really said. Idk what's going on that part. I wouldn't take it but, I'm not sure what her thoughts are on that.

Really quick little question about inviting SO

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