What should my Fiancé be involved in???

mrsRAJAB · May 2014

So I know most of the answers to that question will be "EVERYTHING!", but realistically, not all men are interested in EVERY LITTLE DETAIL of the wedding. I have been busy looking into venues and booking appointments for tours but there is so much more that needs to be done before our day (5/3/15). I am struggling on what I should have him help me with or have him handle on his own.. any suggestions ladies???

mysticl · May 2014

My husband is in the military and was out to sea for a fair chunk of the planning process. I would do preliminary visits to venues and then when he was home I would take him back to the ones that I was interested in. He attended the cake tasting with me. He did not meet the photographer until the day of and never had anything to do with the flowers. He saw the invites and "approved" them but I was the one to put them together and mail them. We spent an evening coming up with a play list for the DJ.

Talk to him about what he wants to be involved in. You have a year. That's tons of time, I did ours in 6 months.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

Yes, everything. He may not care about every little detail but he should get a say. Maybe you come to three contenders and have him help choose the winner.

Honestly, your friends will care about fewer details than your FI does. You shouldn't drag them into the minutiae either.

buddysmom80 · May 2014

mrsRAJAB said:

So I know most of the answers to that question will be "EVERYTHING!", but realistically, not all men are interested in EVERY LITTLE DETAIL of the wedding. I have been busy looking into venues and booking appointments for tours but there is so much more that needs to be done before our day (5/3/15). I am struggling on what I should have him help me with or have him handle on his own.. any suggestions ladies???

FI has been involved with everything except for my dress and accessories. I've been the captain of the ship for making appointments, but I gave him things to make decisions on that I knew he was good with (STDS & invites, menu, tuxes, wedding bands). He was also pretty vocal once we met with vendors. For example, I told him he could skip the florist appointment because I thought he would be bored to tears. He ended up being very particular about his bout so if I didn't bring him, he wouldn't have wanted what he asked for.

So in a nutshell, I would say this is how it went down: "FI, we need to pick a venue, will you find some, I'll find some and we'll make appointments?" He would bring his list, I would bring mine and I made appointments.

AprilH81 · May 2014

I would ask him what he wants to be involved in and what are the 2-3 biggest priorities for him. Have him be involved in those areas the most (or even have him do the research on those).

For the items he doesn't care as much about give him your top 2-3 options and see if he has a preference.

My DH just wanted to make sure we had a full (open) bar but he wanted to do the wedding website and program. So I also asked him to design our invites and other paper materials since he liked the graphic design aspect. I showed him designs of what I wanted and then he made them for us.

It was important to me that we picked the venue and cake together, so he went with me for those meetings. Otherwise I did the research, set up the meetings and made the final selection.

For all of the detail stuff I gave him a few options if I couldn't make up my mind... But most of the time he just said "whatever you want".

mrsRAJAB · May 2014

"whatever you want" is his favorite line also! thanks for the suggestion!

KGold80 · May 2014

My FI doesn't care about much other than "How much does it cost?" and a few other things - like the ceremony, his attire, the music, and the photography. I figured that out early on when I was chattering on about something and he stared at me blankly and blinked. I then asked him what he would like to be consulted on, so we made an agreement. Basically, I just do what I want unless it costs a lot of money or involves him directly. You and your FI just need to talk about what he does want to be included in - don't assume that he does or does not want to be included or that could lead to resentment.

jdluvr06 · May 2014

My FI has had a say in everything even if I had to pull his teeth to get his opinion or if he was irritatingly unaware of what I was talking about. I was talking to him about candles a few months ago and felt like strangling him

Me: which candle do you like better?

Him: they look the same

Me: one is white and one is blue they are not the same.

Him: oh yeah... Huh... Either one. The one you pick

Me: I like them both. Just pick a damn candle.

jenna8984 · May 2014

Whatever he wants to be. I run something by FI and then gauge his interest. When I said I think I'm going to meet with florist and order my bouquets this weekend, he said "cool have fun". So I knew he did not want to come. He never even asked what color bouquet I got or anything. But when I said "the DJ wants a list of our favorite artists", then he jumped right on making a list. So just tell him what's up and let him show whether he's interested or not. I wouldn't force him to go to the florist since he didn't care to.

I also give him options for everything. I picked out 3 different lantern centerpieces and asked which he liked best. Then he helped scrape the stickers off of them. Just small stuff like that is enough to make most men feel like they contributed their part and not like "she did everything".

littlemushroom · May 2014

Just ask him what he wants to help with/do, and make sure he is included or in charge of those things. And then keep checking in when it is close to decisions being made for everything else. He might decide he cares about how the day will go when it is time to actually make a decision, which is why it is important to keep checking in with him.

My FI doesn't say anything about the wedding planning/decision making for the wedding, UNLESS I specifically ask him for an opinion or give him some options between a few things. I was sitting next to him looking up cake designs and he didn't say a word until I asked him to. He didn't care about favors until it came time to order them. Then he wanted to help pick and design them. He didn't care about the photographer until he saw how stressed I was about it and then he wanted to come with to a meeting to help me.

My point is that even if guys don't care in the abstract, their opinion can change when it is about to be a reality. Remember, it is his wedding day too, and some of his tastes and preferences should be reflected in different aspects of the day.

phira · May 2014

My partner is involved in every decision. Including my attire.

SmileDamnit · May 2014

We've taken a similar approach as has @Jenna8984. I ask him his opinion &/or for suggestions on everything and he speaks up when he's interested or tells me that it's my call if he's not.

JCbride2015 · May 2014

My Fi is probably more involved than the average guy. He's the one who wants a huge wedding for his family, so I'm pretty adamant that if he wants it, he helps plan it. He enjoys it, really. He was so over-the-moon for our venue that was a really easy pick. We went together and I saw how happy he was; it wasn't really the style I wanted, but the package was phenomenal and the place is beautiful. So we went with it.

We picked the DJ together and are picking our photographer together. I had a little more say in the music (I'm a former violinist, so I care more) and he is making final call on photog (he's more into photography than I am).

We are both clueless about flowers, but fortunately my grandma has offered to help choose those. She is super into flower arranging, she's like Martha Stewart but not a criminal.

So I think what I'm trying to say is, play to your strengths! What does he care about? What does he have really good taste in?

Sugargirl1019 · May 2014

Honestly FI has been involved in every decision.. Passively on my dress.

I told him: I'm going to look at Venues, DJs, Flowers, do you want to look with me? We scouted on the internet together first then attended meetings with people if he wanted.

Fi came to the venue, flowers, photographer, DJ, invitation designing(100% input) and cake tasting. He did not speak with the videographer but he narrowed down to 2 ppl with me and I handled the rest.

mrsRAJAB · May 2014

jdluvr06 said:

My FI has had a say in everything even if I had to pull his teeth to get his opinion or if he was irritatingly unaware of what I was talking about. I was talking to him about candles a few months ago and felt like strangling him

Me: which candle do you like better?
Him: they look the same
Me: one is white and one is blue they are not the same.
Him: oh yeah... Huh... Either one. The one you pick
Me: I like them both. Just pick a damn candle.

lol this sounds like us completely! lol glad im not alone!

doeydo · May 2014

I asked my FI what he was interested in planning with me. He cared about the food and music. So, I love weddings and like planning mine. My FI and I looked at venues together and came to a decision together. But when it comes to littler things, such as centerpieces, I would look at everything and narrow down to just a few choices and then ask him for some input. Because, I can look at wedding stuff on Pinterest for hours, but he would not.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

My FI and I are very much planning our wedding together. But, we are big fans of divide and conquer. Pretty much in everyday life, but it works well in wedding planning too.

For instance, I'm a terrible researcher. Ask me to look into caterers and an hour later I'll be watching a YouTube video on how to build a pool table from reclaimed wood and have no explanation for how I got there. However I am awesome with making appointments. I can keep track of my schedule and her schedule very easily, and I have no problem calling people. So she researches, which she is awesome at, then gives me a list of people to call and make appointments with. Divide and conquer.

Ven&Radio · May 2014

What should your FI be involved in? Whatever he wants! Talk to him.

FiancB · May 2014

FI's wanted to give me pretty free rein but he's still been pretty involved. He didn't want to see my dress but I did press him for a style ("badonkadonk"... mermaid it is). I did research on venues and he came with me to actually see them and we decided together which to go with. He came with me to a bridal expo where we found our DJ, photographer, and baker. He'd previously come with to meet with a photographer and didn't like them so he put the ixnay on that, and I'm glad because we found a way better one for the same price.

I am pretty much leaving the music to him. Which more than likely means I may end up walking down the aisle to music from The Hobbit, but whatever. If it's one less thing for me to have to think about I don't care.

We've been pretty much on the same page for everything. Lots of discussions about budget- at first we were going to skip the DJ but decided that we really did want one, and now we're talking about having a cookout or takeout for the rehearsal dinner.

So basically I do the research and the bulk of the planning, but he does still approve things, suggests things, has input. It's a pretty nice balance I think.

ETA: @MagicInk that's kind of what we do too. He doesn't really want to research the nitty gritty details, but I really hate talking on the phone and can be disorganized, so he usually makes the final appointments, phone calls, deposits, etc.

lyndausvi · May 2014

My DH cared about food and booze. So he helped with those. I pretty much did the research for everything else. Then I picked out my top 3, showed him. He sometimes gave opinions that made me do more research. Then the 2 of us (and my mom - she was paying) picked out what we wanted. He works so much he only sometimes only had 3 days off a MONTH. I on the other hand only worked 32 hours a week. So I had the time to do the research. Plus I enjoyed doing the research. There were many nights I was online with my mom and sister looking at stuff and getting ideas. It wasn't a chore for me. NOTE - I'm in no paragraph mode. grrr.

mrsRAJAB · May 2014

Thank you Ladies for all your input!

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

DH was involved in everything -- some things actively and some things passively.

He was actively involved in the venue, the food, the cake, the favours, the decor, the colours, the readings, the music, the ceremony.

He had passive involvement in the flowers ('no roses!'), no involvement in my dress (family heirloom).

JennyColada · May 2014

Neither of us are super involved. Lol. A lot of the decisions: flowers, cake flavors, decorations, music we just kind of tell the coordinator "yes we want this" or "not, we don't need this" but don't have strong opinions past that.

I think the only thing that either of us really cares much about is the location and what I'm wearing (well, he doesn't really care, as he's biased and thinks I'm beautiful in everything). Past that we're both like "yea whatever, ok cool" with everything. Even the menu: we are holding out reception at a favorite restaurant, so we know anything that they serve to us will be awesome, so we're happy to just let the chef surprise us.

Easiest going wedding planning ever.

Oh, I did pick STDs and invites, and I basically just showed Fi and said "I like these" and he said "ok". So I guess there's that.

erinlin25 · May 2014

every guy is different. Talk to your fiance and see what he would like to be involved in. When we got engaged we talked about what kind of wedding we wanted. We made a potential guest list and were satisfied with the roughly 120 guests. He chose his groomsman and visited 2 venues with me. The venue we ended up picking he did not see in person, but trusted my judgement. We decided on the date together. After that I did the majority of the ground work and would share details with him. He pretty much said whatever you want I will like. Anytime I wanted his opinion I asked and he helped me choose. He could care less about cake, flowers and center pieces so I saved him a headache. He met the photographer with me, and came to the food tasting. He also helped me make our "escort cars" and he picked his/groomsman attire.

Simky906 · May 2014

My FI is working full time as well as attending grad school, so he doesn't have a lot of spare time. For most things I will narrow it down to my top two or three and then he'll pick. Except for flowers; I think I saw his eyes roll back into his head when I mentioned flowers.

Just have a talk with your FI and you'll figure out what approach works best. The most important thing for me was to make sure that he understood that this was OUR wedding not MY wedding and it was important for us to make decisions together.

mrsRAJAB · May 2014

Simky906 said:

My FI is working full time as well as attending grad school, so he doesn't have a lot of spare time. For most things I will narrow it down to my top two or three and then he'll pick. Except for flowers; I think I saw his eyes roll back into his head when I mentioned flowers.

Just have a talk with your FI and you'll figure out what approach works best. The most important thing for me was to make sure that he understood that this was OUR wedding not MY wedding and it was important for us to make decisions together .

thats key for me..

grumbledore · May 2014

Yeah... I don't care about every detail either. It's my FI's responsibility to do as much as I do to plan OUR wedding.

sarahonlife · May 2014

Mine is very involved. He has a very specific vision of what he wants his wedding to be like, so every decision we make together to make sure it fits both our visions. I think the only thing I did all on my own was the chair rental and that's just because there wasn't really a decision other than "This one is $200 cheaper because they're local to the venue, so that's who we're going with."

RosieC18 · May 2014

It drives me a little crazy when the answer to this is "what he's interested in" because that leaves all the boring minutiae to me by default. I'm not interested in the font on our invites, or the flowers in the boutinieres either, but someone has to make a choice. I also don't care about how the Chuppah gets set up or how we're going to orient seating at the ceremony but ultimately these things just have to get done and it bothers me that it's just assumed to be me. When we started planning we split a list of major tasks down the middle, playing to our strengths. We were supposed to each take the lead on the things on "our side" and consult on final choices. I think this is a good system if you're both proactive, but I don't think my FI feels the same pressure I do, because we both know if things go wrong I'll be the one to get judged. I don't think he's slacking off on account of that consciously, but it does make it easier to put things off and now we're a month out with no ceremony music.

Sorry for the rant. I really do think splitting things by a mix of strengths and interest is the way to go, if you know you're both going to get it all done.

Sugargirl1019 · May 2014

My FI was obsessed with the font on our invites... We went through 3 before he liked a script the best.... He also needed it to be all embossed.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

Sugargirl1019 said:

My FI was obsessed with the font on our invites... We went through 3 before he liked a script the best.... He also needed it to be all embossed.

I am too! FI just rolls her eyes and tells me just to make sure it's readable and in English. There are just so many font options!!!

What should my Fiancé be involved in???

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