FI wants another dog. I do not.

climbingsingle · May 2014

And unfortunately it's way more complicated than it seems.

FI's cousin passed away this week very unexpectedly. She was only 47. She lived in New Mexico and sadly, I never got the chance to meet her. She was planning on attending our wedding. She had a dog. It's an older mutt. FI wants to have the dog sent here to NY for us to adopt.

We already have a dog. I adopted a pit mix in 2010 way before FI and I were together. She's a great dog, however she's not always great with other dogs. She's what I call a people dog. She LOVES people. Other dogs - not so much. Before this other dog ever came up, I told FI that she's a one dog per house dog.

My dog has a ton of energy. Sometimes she plays a little too rough. I've seen it first hand. She gets along best with dogs that are matched to her physicality - dogs that are strong and fast like her and love to play. Dogs that are older and don't like to play tend to not react well to my dog. She was kicked out of Camp Bow Wow for that exact reason. She tried to play with an older dog. The dog snapped at her and my dog bit the other dog. She's banned for life now. (I sometimes wonder if they have a picture of her up with an big X through it).

I've tried explaining this to FI many times. I do not want to bring this dog here. He is adamant that this dog stay within the family. Also, I know this sounds petty and stupid, but this dog has really long hair. Hair that will be all over the fucking house. I'm a neat freak. And my dog has very short hair. She doesn't shed much and she's extremely easy to clean.

We also do a lot of active stuff. We hike, rock climb, etc. We bring my dog to all of this, because she's young and has a ton of energy. She's like a mountain goat. It's pretty awesome. I have a feeling that this dog won't be able to keep up with us. And then I worry that we'll have to leave it at home.

I know nothing about this dog. Does it sometimes piss and shit in the house? Who the fuck knows. My FI knows NOTHING about this dog.

We also travel a lot. We have a great neighbor that will watch our dog whenever we want for FREE. These people love our dog to pieces. But two dogs - that's asking a lot more of people.

My FI seems to think he's the fucking dog whisperer and that whatever issues come up, he can resolve them himself. You guys, the idea of another dog in our house is really upsetting me. And FI really wants to bring this dog here. We are at an impasse.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

Oh, man, I am really, really sorry. That sucks.

I don't have any super-useful advice, other than I foresee me and DH being in the same situation in the not-terribly-distant future. His BSC grandmother adopted a fucking kitten (seriously, it was six months old when she adopted it for her 86th birthday) last autumn. She's been falling a lot lately, and is probably headed for assisted living and/or a nursing home. None of those facilities in our area allow pets (except service animals).

She's worried about what will happen to it after she dies or can't care for it. DH is hinting that he wants to take it. He loves cats. I do not. I am not a cat person. I do not enjoy litter boxes and cleaning them and shedding animals and whatever.

(Ironically, we recently had a conversation about this in which I agreed to foster a cat for a while to (a) see if I could get to like them and (b) appeal to his sense of wanting a cat.)

The problem with your problem is that it's a binary choice: either you adopt the dog or you don't, there's no middle ground. And while it's admirable your FI wants the dog to stay in the family, that's not his call to make. Certainly he could take it (with your blessing), but he can't foist this animal on anyone else.

Did the cousin have any close friends/neighbours in NM who might want it? A cross-country trip, unattended, to live with strangers is going to be very stressful for a dog, especially an older dog. Has your FI thought about what that might do to the dog's health?

I'm so sorry. This sucks. (((HUGS)))

climbingsingle · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Oh, man, I am really, really sorry. That sucks.

I don't have any super-useful advice, other than I foresee me and DH being in the same situation in the not-terribly-distant future. His BSC grandmother adopted a fucking kitten (seriously, it was six months old when she adopted it for her 86th birthday) last autumn. She's been falling a lot lately, and is probably headed for assisted living and/or a nursing home. None of those facilities in our area allow pets (except service animals).

She's worried about what will happen to it after she dies or can't care for it. DH is hinting that he wants to take it. He loves cats. I do not. I am not a cat person. I do not enjoy litter boxes and cleaning them and shedding animals and whatever.

(Ironically, we recently had a conversation about this in which I agreed to foster a cat for a while to (a) see if I could get to like them and (b) appeal to his sense of wanting a cat.)

The problem with your problem is that it's a binary choice: either you adopt the dog or you don't, there's no middle ground. And while it's admirable your FI wants the dog to stay in the family, that's not his call to make. Certainly he could take it (with your blessing), but he can't foist this animal on anyone else.

Did the cousin have any close friends/neighbours in NM who might want it? A cross-country trip, unattended, to live with strangers is going to be very stressful for a dog, especially an older dog. Has your FI thought about what that might do to the dog's health?

I'm so sorry. This sucks. (((HUGS)))

You know, it would be a shame if you suddenly developed an allergy to cats ;-)

I've tried explaining all this to FI. I've even told him that we can try to find the dog a home in NM. I'm sure she had a ton of friends. Actually, I know she had a lot of friends. Her Facebook page is filled with tons of messages from people that loved her very much. I really think we could find a better home for this dog.

FI will not listen to reason. I've tried everything.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Oh, man, I am really, really sorry. That sucks.

I don't have any super-useful advice, other than I foresee me and DH being in the same situation in the not-terribly-distant future. His BSC grandmother adopted a fucking kitten (seriously, it was six months old when she adopted it for her 86th birthday) last autumn. She's been falling a lot lately, and is probably headed for assisted living and/or a nursing home. None of those facilities in our area allow pets (except service animals).

She's worried about what will happen to it after she dies or can't care for it. DH is hinting that he wants to take it. He loves cats. I do not. I am not a cat person. I do not enjoy litter boxes and cleaning them and shedding animals and whatever.

(Ironically, we recently had a conversation about this in which I agreed to foster a cat for a while to (a) see if I could get to like them and (b) appeal to his sense of wanting a cat.)

The problem with your problem is that it's a binary choice: either you adopt the dog or you don't, there's no middle ground. And while it's admirable your FI wants the dog to stay in the family, that's not his call to make. Certainly he could take it (with your blessing), but he can't foist this animal on anyone else.

Did the cousin have any close friends/neighbours in NM who might want it? A cross-country trip, unattended, to live with strangers is going to be very stressful for a dog, especially an older dog. Has your FI thought about what that might do to the dog's health?

I'm so sorry. This sucks. (((HUGS)))

You know, it would be a shame if you suddenly developed an allergy to cats ;-)

I've tried explaining all this to FI. I've even told him that we can try to find the dog a home in NM. I'm sure she had a ton of friends. Actually, I know she had a lot of friends. Her Facebook page is filled with tons of messages from people that loved her very much. I really think we could find a better home for this dog.

FI will not listen to reason. I've tried everything.

I know, right?? My parents have cats. I grew up with cats. I just don't like cats very much. And I really, really don't like the idea of a litter box in our not-terribly-big apartment. *sigh*

I think fostering will be good for us because DH can see how much work they are and how little I'm willing to do to be helpful toward an animal I didn't want.

And we are abso-friggin'-lutely not taking BSC granny's cat. No way in hell.

Anyway. Can you ask your FI what his contingency plans are for this dog if it turns out it's not compatible with your lifestyle? Would that help?

climbingsingle · May 2014

I have asked him about that. He said then we'll re-home the dog. But I'd feel terrible about that too! I don't want this dog to go from home to home.

He won't listen to reason. I might have to kill him.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

So he wants the dog to stay in the family, unless it has to be re-homed? And then what? Again, your FI can't just foist the dog off on other family members. That's not going to fly with them anymore than it's flying with you.

Ugh. I'm so sorry.

climbingsingle · May 2014

Exactly! Ugh. This situation is making me so angry with him. He's normally an extremely reasonable person. And I know he's dealing with grief for his cousin and I'm trying to be understanding. But I don't want this dog.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

That's my fear with DH, too. He's normally so reasonable, but if there's grief involved, I'm not sure that's going to be the case.

How soon do you have to make a decision? What are her funeral plans, if any?

climbingsingle · May 2014

That's my fear with DH, too. He's normally so reasonable, but if there's grief involved, I'm not sure that's going to be the case.

How soon do you have to make a decision? What are her funeral plans, if any?

Damn box!
I have no idea. I'll have to ask FI. I don't know if any funeral plans have been made yet.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

Could you make a quality-of-life argument? Like, the dog is used to living in NM, where it's a gentler climate, and probably used to living in a house, not an apartment (I don't even know if you live in an apartment), that it's used to being an only dog and it would have to share, that it would be alone a lot of the time, etc.?

SJM7538 · May 2014

First I just want to commend your fiance for having the heart to try keep this dog in the family. I volunteer at a local shelter and work with a few rescues (and have two rescues dog of my own) and I can tell you right now how difficult it is to rehome a senior dog. Most people don't want to pay a rehoming or adoption fee for an older dog.

With that said, older dogs can be very healthy and active. Especially if it is a mutt. Mixed breeds are much less likely than purebreds to have health issues. Just because the dog is older doesn't necessarily mean he won't be able to keep up with your dog.

Now, as a person who has 3 dogs, and its about to add a 4th into her home, more than one is A LOT of work. And what a lot of people don't think about is the added expense. Its not just the food but regular and unexpected vet bills, heartword meds, flea and tick medication. It all adds up. My pug needs $4500 surgery next week. Have you tried playing that card with your fiance? Maybe that will work.

Also - my puggle/boxer mix sounds a lot like your dog. She is really sketched out by most other dogs, but loves people. In fact her and my pug do not get along. My pug plays really rough and my puggle just doesn't like how intense she gets. If you come across this issue with our dog this is not something your fiance can handle on his own. We brought in a dog behaviorist and spent hundreds of dollars trying to fix this issue. In the end it was sooo much work and H and I failed miserably. Its better but not resolved. H refused to get rid of either dog so our solution is that when we are not home one of our girls crated at all times and when we are home we constantly have to have our eyes on them. Try playing that card as well.

Can I ask if this is really that your fiance wants a second dog? Adding a second dog into a home is not something to be done on a whim, especially if you already have on dog that is tempermental.

Or is is that he wants this particular dog because of the situation he is in? I can totally understand this. If that dog ends up in a shelter his chances are slim. Even more so because he is a senior dog. I'm sure there are plenty of rescues that can help. Feel free to PM me and we can chat if you want. I have a friend in the south who works with rescues all over the country.

climbingsingle · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Could you make a quality-of-life argument? Like, the dog is used to living in NM, where it's a gentler climate, and probably used to living in a house, not an apartment (I don't even know if you live in an apartment), that it's used to being an only dog and it would have to share, that it would be alone a lot of the time, etc.?

I actually brought that up last night. How it's going to be a big change from living in NM to NY. FI told me the dog will be fine.

We live in a house that we own with a large yard. So that is working against me. FI also owns his own business and works for himself. He's able to be home many times throughout the day so my dog is alone a lot.

climbingsingle · May 2014

Thank you for all the info @SJM7538 !

I have brought up the added costs. He is not at all concerned about that. And with the behavioral issues, he's seriously convinced he can fix whatever comes up. Really. He thinks he's the dog whisperer.

He has never wanted a second dog until this came up.

SmileDamnit · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Could you make a quality-of-life argument? Like, the dog is used to living in NM, where it's a gentler climate, and probably used to living in a house, not an apartment (I don't even know if you live in an apartment), that it's used to being an only dog and it would have to share, that it would be alone a lot of the time, etc.?

This! Can you really lay the "let's do what's best for the dog" argument on thick? Sounds like FI has a great big ol' heart, but transporting the poor dog, who just lost his owner, across the country just to "stay in the family" isn't looking out for the best interest of the dog.

Simky906 · May 2014

It sounds to me like you and FI need to talk to someone who actually knows the dog. Who is caring for it now? They may be able to give you more insight into the dog's personality and as to whether it would or would not adjust well to life across the country with another dog that probably won't like it. Also, please remind your FI that it won't automatically be ok 'just because it's a dog'. Dogs are not automatically ok, they clearly have feelings too and may not do well with you.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

Simky906 said:

It sounds to me like you and FI need to talk to someone who actually knows the dog. Who is caring for it now? They may be able to give you more insight into the dog's personality and as to whether it would or would not adjust well to life across the country with another dog that probably won't like it. Also, please remind your FI that it won't automatically be ok 'just because it's a dog'. Dogs are not automatically ok, they clearly have feelings too and may not do well with you.

This is brilliant! And so, so, so true. Maybe hearing from someone who sees the dog day in and day out will help your FI realise that this isn't as easy as he thinks it's going to be.

Dogs are like children, or like people in general -- some of them you like and some of them you don't. It's a personality thing. He's romanticising this idea of this dog in his head and it might not be like that IRL.

d2va · May 2014

As a bully breed owner myself, to a female american bulldog that does not get along with other dogs sometimes because she is also young, likes to play hard etc.

This would raise my anxiety IMMENSELY.

So, I know exactly how you would feel.

I understand that he is coming from a good place, and I do agree with him... to an extent.

If you were to adopt this dog, you must, MUST make sure that they can get along when people are present. Then you will have to crate and rotate until you feel comfortable that they will be good alone in the house ( if you dont crate).

If they do not get along and he is still adamant about taking the dog, you will need to crate and rotate the dogs, pretty much forever. You dont want to put either dog in a bad situation.

I feel for you at this moment. My fiance found a chihuahua on the road (we later found the owners) and brought that thing to my house ( i dont like small dogs lol) and I almost had a heart attack seeing my 85lb dog prance around trying to play with him.

If something god forbid happened to my mother I would take her shih-tzu as 1. shes my mother 2. I adopted him out to her, so he is my responsibility, BUT it would be a very long process.

climbingsingle · May 2014

It's a great idea to speak to someone that knows the dog. I will mention that to FI tonight.

I am super, super worried about leaving the dogs alone in the house. I did crate my dog when she was a puppy, but she hasn't been crated in a very long time. She hasn't needed to be. Honestly, she's extremely well behaved. She has free roam in the house while we're gone and she doesn't do anything bad. She never chews anything she's not supposed to. She doesn't mess with the garbage.

Ugh. This sucks.

d2va · May 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

It's a great idea to speak to someone that knows the dog. I will mention that to FI tonight.

I am super, super worried about leaving the dogs alone in the house. I did crate my dog when she was a puppy, but she hasn't been crated in a very long time. She hasn't needed to be. Honestly, she's extremely well behaved. She has free roam in the house while we're gone and she doesn't do anything bad. She never chews anything she's not supposed to. She doesn't mess with the garbage.

Ugh. This sucks.

What are the other options for this dog? Is there another family member in your area that is willing to take the dog just incase if it doesnt work out?

Its much more difficult because the dog will have to be transported, and will probably be nervous as his momma died and the travelling and such that I think the dog would need to feel very relaxed before and during the first meet and greet.

If the meet and great doesnt work ( i.e. public park / neutral ground ) than you need a plan B, UNLESS like I said, crate and rotate.

My dog trainer has 5 dogs, 2 get along, and the other 3 get along. She splits them in shifts lol

climbingsingle · May 2014

There's no other family in our area that would take in the dog. We have do have a friend that runs a rescue and fosters dogs. So there's that.

Aray82 · May 2014

Oh gosh. I am so sorry for your loss and I know how much harder it is with a dog added to the mix. That said, your FI should realize that even if he's a dog whisperer, properly training a dog takes a crapload of time, energy, and resources that even the most well-meaning animal-lovers don't have. The dog will also likely be grieving over the loss of the owner and adjusting to the sudden life change, so there may still be some major behavioral issues even after being placed in a loving home. As such, you may very well find the dog peeing in the house or exhibiting other regressive types of behavior. My parents' lab, who is no less energetic or stubborn than the springer spaniel we had growing up, is so much calmer and easier to deal with simply because my parents, once the kids were out of the house, could invest in a good obedience school with a day care attached and really spend the time on training him and following a consistent program in a way that (as we only realize now in hindsight) we just weren't able to do with the first dog no matter how much we all pitched in to help.

Also, for what it's worth, New Mexico has an excellent chapter of the Animal Humane Society. I have several friends who participate in the foster care system and the volunteer program. Even the dogs who don't get adopted are very well cared for. If FI's relatives approached them for help, they would try to work with them on adoption first before accepting the dog into the shelter more permanently, especially knowing the trauma he/she has already been through. I would love to foster a dog before adoption too, but I suspect my two grumpy cats would not be pleased. There are others ways for FI to help with this situation that do not involve you bringing a strange dog into your home and causing unnecessary stress on you and on the dog you're already committed to.

climbingsingle · May 2014

Yes! It is added stress that we both don't need. Our wedding is less than 5 months away. We're remodeling our master bath, then the kitchen and living room/dining room. We have a lot going on.

And I'm sure this sounds crazy, but it's not fair to MY dog. I don't want her to have to share the attention. I want her to be an only dog. And I can guarantee she will not be happy having another dog around. I know my dog.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Yes! It is added stress that we both don't need. Our wedding is less than 5 months away. We're remodeling our master bath, then the kitchen and living room/dining room. We have a lot going on.

And I'm sure this sounds crazy, but it's not fair to MY dog. I don't want her to have to share the attention. I want her to be an only dog. And I can guarantee she will not be happy having another dog around. I know my dog.

This is not crazy. Dogs, like people, have personalities. And if she does better as an 'only dog,' then that's fine, and it's not fair to try to force her to be something she's not.

FiancB · May 2014

Yikes. I am the biggest sucker for dogs too but I wouldn't want to get involved in this mess. Shipping an elderly dog from NM to NY doesn't sound like the most humane thing in the world so maybe I would focus on that.

There are a ton of great rescue and foster groups out there and I'm sure that a fantastic home can be found for this dog with a little hunting. Maybe that would help ease his mind? I have a friend that's heavily involved with a group in OR that focuses on Nordic breeds and doesn't even have a home base but arranges travel and fostering for different dogs and I'm sure there's something similar to in NM. I'm sure that he's worried the dog will end up with the county and put down, but that isn't the only option. Who has the dog right now?

climbingsingle · May 2014

I'm not sure who has the dog now. That's a very good question. I'm assuming maybe a friend? Oh god, if only someone there would step up and say they were taking the dog.

I really am an animal lover too. But I love my dog more, you know?

Aray82 · May 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

Yes! It is added stress that we both don't need. Our wedding is less than 5 months away. We're remodeling our master bath, then the kitchen and living room/dining room. We have a lot going on.

And I'm sure this sounds crazy, but it's not fair to MY dog. I don't want her to have to share the attention. I want her to be an only dog. And I can guarantee she will not be happy having another dog around. I know my dog.

It doesn't sound crazy at all--it sounds like you're being a responsible pet owner!

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

I would look at this not from the perspective of "doing right" by his cousin's dog, but by your own dog. When you adopt an animal you make a commitment to THAT animal that you'll do what's best for them for their entire life. For your current dog, that means allowing it to live without other dogs. That's not something you can just change your mind on.

I understand that your FI is grieving and likely wants to do "something" to help (stereotyping here - is he typically a "fixer" kind of a guy?) and the easiest thing that comes to mind is to take in the dog, but that's not his responsibility. He has made no commitments to the NM dog as you have to yours. It would be different if you each had dogs when you met and then discovered they don't get along, but that's not the case. IMO, this is nonnegotiable.

In addition, yeah, cross-country "dog shipping" services are EXTREMELY dangerous for the dog. They can die in transit. And to this dog, "family" likely means people he is familiar with in NM. He doesn't know jack about his owner's blood relations. If he wants to help the dog, he would be best served by finding someone in NM to take it in, maybe even offering to fund some of the care expenses, or finding a no-kill shelter and making a donation.

edited because reading fail on which state it was.

Emmy1493 · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

ClimbingBrideNY said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

Oh, man, I am really, really sorry. That sucks.

I don't have any super-useful advice, other than I foresee me and DH being in the same situation in the not-terribly-distant future. His BSC grandmother adopted a fucking kitten (seriously, it was six months old when she adopted it for her 86th birthday) last autumn. She's been falling a lot lately, and is probably headed for assisted living and/or a nursing home. None of those facilities in our area allow pets (except service animals).

She's worried about what will happen to it after she dies or can't care for it. DH is hinting that he wants to take it. He loves cats. I do not. I am not a cat person. I do not enjoy litter boxes and cleaning them and shedding animals and whatever.

(Ironically, we recently had a conversation about this in which I agreed to foster a cat for a while to (a) see if I could get to like them and (b) appeal to his sense of wanting a cat.)

The problem with your problem is that it's a binary choice: either you adopt the dog or you don't, there's no middle ground. And while it's admirable your FI wants the dog to stay in the family, that's not his call to make. Certainly he could take it (with your blessing), but he can't foist this animal on anyone else.

Did the cousin have any close friends/neighbours in NM who might want it? A cross-country trip, unattended, to live with strangers is going to be very stressful for a dog, especially an older dog. Has your FI thought about what that might do to the dog's health?

I'm so sorry. This sucks. (((HUGS)))

You know, it would be a shame if you suddenly developed an allergy to cats ;-)

I've tried explaining all this to FI. I've even told him that we can try to find the dog a home in NM. I'm sure she had a ton of friends. Actually, I know she had a lot of friends. Her Facebook page is filled with tons of messages from people that loved her very much. I really think we could find a better home for this dog.

FI will not listen to reason. I've tried everything.

I know, right?? My parents have cats. I grew up with cats. I just don't like cats very much. And I really, really don't like the idea of a litter box in our not-terribly-big apartment. *sigh*

I think fostering will be good for us because DH can see how much work they are and how little I'm willing to do to be helpful toward an animal I didn't want.

And we are abso-friggin'-lutely not taking BSC granny's cat. No way in hell.

Anyway. Can you ask your FI what his contingency plans are for this dog if it turns out it's not compatible with your lifestyle? Would that help?

I friggin LOVE cats. But I also know how hard they can be to keep up with. Luckily, FI and I were able to splurge on a self cleaning one. (I know that sounds crazy.) but having two cats...it really comes in handy. I barely ever smell the box at all. I keep it in the corner of our closet, and it just does its thing. The shedding though is indeed terrible. SO I 100% agree on that.

FI and I would love to have a dog. But we want big dogs. We wouldn't be able to have them in a small almost 800 sq. ft apartment. It would not be fair.

penguin44 · May 2014

So my FI and I have a rhodesian ridgeback mix. She sounds very similar to your dog. She loves loves people, but has gotten in a few tussles with smaller dogs. We have actually done multiple training classes with her, one specifically for aggressive dogs. My FI has a dog that was living with his parents, and we took her in. The dogs are about the same size and age, but his dog is gentle-mannered and loves to sleep and cuddle. These dogs get along just fine, about 95% of the time. They sleep in the same bed. They share toys.

But they still have issues because they are two females, and they were not raised together. Honestly, my dog would be happier alone. We have come home to them fighting, that ended in a $1,000 vet bill and a lot of stitches. And these are dogs that normally get along just fine. I would not recommend getting another dog unless there is some sort of "trial period."

tortoisebride · May 2014

Umm pitts were bred to fight other animals. They are animal aggressive.* Sure, some aren't, and you can train them carefully if you get them young, but that's obviously not the case here. I doubt your FI who I assume has never trained a dog before is suddenly going to be able to take that genetic drive out of your dog.

* Many pitts are lovely beasties even to other animals, and they shouldn't all be painted negatively with a broad brush. However, there's evidence from prior behavior that this particular one isn't good with other animals. Please don't hate me, pitt-lovers.

FiancB · May 2014

Emmy for some reason when I read your post I read it as you splurging on a self cleaning cat and I wondered what the hell that means. lol.

FI wants another dog. I do not.

Re: FI wants another dog. I do not.

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