Should I take my kids to the wedding?

good2Bqueen13 · May 2014

My DH 's cousin is getting married. His fiancé's family is hosting the wedding/reception in her hometown. His family will be hosting a reception in his hometown (on the opposite coast) later, but his family has spent copious amounts of money for the actual wedding/reception. Due to the distance, all but a dozen of his family members have chosen to wait for the second reception. We, however, made it clear from the moment of the Save the Date that we would be happy to travel. So we received the invitation for two, meaning no invitation for our two small children. Fine enough. I contacted the mother of the groom (I have no way to contact the bride or her family) to see if the bride had made arrangements for a sitter or if we should bring our own sitter with us - which I am happy to do. She checked with the bride who said she had not made any arrangements for out of town guests with children. We began looking for a sitter who could travel overnight during the week. Fast forward to the bridal shower. The groom's mother and sister flew in for the shower and inadvertently learned that the children on the bride's side were invited to the wedding/reception. The MoG was livid! She has no problem speaking her mind, and she did so. Now the bride has arranged for two more children's plates. I took no issue with my children not being invited, though I might have if I had paid for a sitter plus her travel fees and hotel just to learn my children were the only ones not invited. So now my DH's aunt really wants the children there, mostly because they are the closest thing she has to grandchildren, but also, probably just a little bit out of spite. I personally feel like they obviously weren't wanted to begin with and even if they had been invited, I probably would have made arrangements for a sitter anyway because I can't see them enjoying themselves at a wedding when they would rather be playing in the pool! And DH and I rarely have reason for adult only time, so weddings are good excuses. That said, it would absolutely be easier (and substantially cheaper) to bring them with us. So what say you? Would you take your children?

good2Bqueen13 · May 2014

PS Not sure why that is a run-on paragraph. Formatting didn't work. Sorry.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

good2Bqueen13 said:
My DH 's cousin is getting married. His fiancé's family is hosting the wedding/reception in her hometown. His family will be hosting a reception in his hometown (on the opposite coast) later, but his family has spent copious amounts of money for the actual wedding/reception. Due to the distance, all but a dozen of his family members have chosen to wait for the second reception. We, however, made it clear from the moment of the Save the Date that we would be happy to travel.

So we received the invitation for two, meaning no invitation for our two small children. Fine enough. I contacted the mother of the groom (I have no way to contact the bride or her family) to see if the bride had made arrangements for a sitter or if we should bring our own sitter with us - which I am happy to do. She checked with the bride who said she had not made any arrangements for out of town guests with children. We began looking for a sitter who could travel overnight during the week. Fast forward to the bridal shower. The groom's mother and sister flew in for the shower and inadvertently learned that the children on the bride's side were invited to the wedding/reception. The MoG was livid! She has no problem speaking her mind, and she did so. Now the bride has arranged for two more children's plates.

I took no issue with my children not being invited, though I might have if I had paid for a sitter plus her travel fees and hotel just to learn my children were the only ones not invited. So now my DH's aunt really wants the children there, mostly because they are the closest thing she has to grandchildren, but also, probably just a little bit out of spite. I personally feel like they obviously weren't wanted to begin with and even if they had been invited, I probably would have made arrangements for a sitter anyway because I can't see them enjoying themselves at a wedding when they would rather be playing in the pool! And DH and I rarely have reason for adult only time, so weddings are good excuses. That said, it would absolutely be easier (and substantially cheaper) to bring them with us.

So what say you? Would you take your children?

I would do whatever is least likely to annoy the side of the family you want to stay in the good graces of. If that means MOG wants your kids there, and you're closer to her, I would bring them.

But you know your kids and your family dynamic best.

doeydo · May 2014

I would not bring them. They weren't invited originally, and only were due to the MOG having a bird and freaking out at the couple (which was inappropriate IMO, unless she was paying for the wedding).

huskypuppy14 · May 2014

I am not a parent, but for your situation, I would bring them. Since they are now invited.

Now, how do you know that your children would be the only ones not invited if the MOG didn't say something? Maybe the bride and groom decided not to invite people past cousins. Maybe the children on the bride's side are nieces and nephews or 1st cousins. I'm not inviting one of my cousin's children, but I am inviting other children to the wedding. I have 3 first cousins that are 14 and under.

We invited one of the groomsman's children but didn't invite any other non family children. It's up to the bride and groom who is invited, and it's not rude to invite some children and not others.

Sugargirl1019 · May 2014

You sound like you would prefer that they go swim in a pool instead. Stick to your gut! I would not bring them just because MoG is having a fit.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

Ehhh... I'm all for rocking the boat, but if the MOG isn't hosting, it's not really her call. I'd only bring them if you're absolutely sure they're invited now and it won't cause grief, especially among other people who may not get the same exception.

Not to thread jack, but I hope FI's family doesn't have these feelings about our guest list. We invited my cousins with their children because they all live out of state - the cousins couldn't come if they didn't bring the munchkins, so we included them. His family is a) much larger (he has 31 first cousins; I have 10) and b) all local so we invited just the adults. Opposite of this situation though.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

I wouldn't bring them. The bride's side is hosting, you don't know what circles they were inviting in, and the MOG was wrong in her behavior.

Jen4948 · May 2014

No. They weren't invited in the first place, and it sounds like the only reason they got an invitation is because the MOG threw a temper tantrum. That was not appropriate of her.

NYCMercedes · May 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

I wouldn't bring them. The bride's side is hosting, you don't know what circles they were inviting in, and the MOG was wrong in her behavior.

Exactly! The MOG was out of line. The other invited children could be the bride's nieces and nephews, not her cousin's children.

melbenso · May 2014

I say do whatever your kids would like best. If they would prefer to hang out at the pool with the babysitter, do that. If they would like to come to the wedding and reception, go for it. Pleasing any member of either side of the family isn't worth putting your kids through something they don't want to do.

KGold80 · May 2014

I probably wouldn't in this case, particularly if your kids would have more fun doing something else.

good2Bqueen13 · May 2014

Yes, my gut was to not take them. On the other hand, I can see how MoG could feel jilted that while she is not hosting the event, she has contributed many thousands of dollars toward it just so that more than 100 of the bride's family and friends (and their children) could attend while only a dozen of her son's family and friends will be there. Money means nothing to her, as her bills are easily paid and she is generous with the excess. She would gladly give thousands more to see her son and FDIL have the wedding of their dreams. She is just terribly disappointed that the bride feels like his family doesn't deserve to be there as much as hers, regardless who is hosting. For that reason, I really want to do right by his aunt. She feels a little used and I don't want to add to that. Besides if I didn't have to pay several hundred dollars in travel expenses for a sitter, the B & G would receive a much better gift! ;o) I'm torn between supporting his aunt and being selfish for myself to enjoy an adult night out.

good2Bqueen13 · May 2014

Not to thread jack, but I hope FI's family doesn't have these feelings about our guest list. We invited my cousins with their children because they all live out of state - the cousins couldn't come if they didn't bring the munchkins, so we included them. His family is a) much larger (he has 31 first cousins; I have 10) and b) all local so we invited just the adults. Opposite of this situation though.

Etiquette states that you should invite all in a similar group, but that the group need not apply across the aisle. In other words, if you invite one cousin's children, you should invite all of your cousins' children, however, across the aisle, it is not necessary for the groom to invite his cousin's children. So, if that makes any sense, it appears your situation is well within the rules of proper etiquette. The situation with DH's family is where this rule of etiquette really applies. With my children, he would have a dozen guests while his bride has more than 100. If they had chosen to invite his cousin's children, she would not be obligated to invite hers. I don't know the dynamics of her family, but if it is anything like mine, that would be an extra 50 guests! I have a large family!

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

good2Bqueen13 said:
Yes, my gut was to not take them. On the other hand, I can see how MoG could feel jilted that while she is not hosting the event, she has contributed many thousands of dollars toward it just so that more than 100 of the bride's family and friends (and their children) could attend while only a dozen of her son's family and friends will be there. Money means nothing to her, as her bills are easily paid and she is generous with the excess. She would gladly give thousands more to see her son and FDIL have the wedding of their dreams. She is just terribly disappointed that the bride feels like his family doesn't deserve to be there as much as hers, regardless who is hosting. For that reason, I really want to do right by his aunt. She feels a little used and I don't want to add to that. Besides if I didn't have to pay several hundred dollars in travel expenses for a sitter, the B & G would receive a much better gift! ;o) I'm torn between supporting his aunt and being selfish for myself to enjoy an adult night out.

Woah there are a lot of suppositions in this post or else you are leaving out a lot of back story.

Who is paying for this wedding? The Bride's family only, the Bride's family and the Groom's, everyone including the Bride and Groom? Who specifically is paying for the reception?

We have no idea how this couple went about creating their guest list, do you? And the guest list and number of invites per side is at the discretion of whomever is paying for the reception. Yes it's nice and polite to evenly divide the guest list between both sides, but that doesn't always happen for a variety of reasons.

Also you and the MOG seem to be blaming the bride for decisions that the groom, her own son, should have been involved in. Maybe it actually was his choice, and not the Bride's, to invite so few family and friends from his side. And if it wasn't and he didn't agree with it, then he should have opened his mouth; he's an adult.

This wedding sounds like a mess and there seems to be some dysfunctional family dynamics at play that I don't think you should get involved with. It was rude and manipulative for MOG to say anything about the guest list since she isn't hosting, and it was inappropriate of her to guilt or bully ppl on to it. She never should have confronted the bride at her own shower. She should have spoken to her son privately. Again, this is his wedding too and he has a say in it.

MOG'S feelings with regards to this wedding are not your responsibility and since this isn't even your wedding you can't do right by her in any way. Theres nothing to support her in other than a play to try and get her own way it seems, and I think it's petty and immature of her to use your kids as pawns to spite her FDIL and son. These are my thoughts just based on the info that has been presented. Again, I think we are missing quite a bit of backstory.

I would not bring your kids to this wedding because they were never invited in the 1st place. . .If MOG wants to see them bc they are so much like grandkids, what is stopping her from coming out to visit your family?

Bubblegum5586 · May 2014

OP mentioned the grooms family has put a lot of money towards the wedding, and because of that they feel like they get some say of their small portion of the guest list. We don't know if the bride begrudgingly added the kids or if it was more of an over sight. Sounds like OP and the bride have no form of communication and because of that I assume it was an over sight on the bride's behalf (but that is an assumption - and I know it's grooms job too, but I love Hubby but he would totally drop the ball on something like this) but for all we know it really isn't a big deal.

The actual question though was to bring the kids or not. You never mentioned their ages but most kids don't have a lot of fun at weddings especially if they don't know anyone, and I think it is important to have adults only time with your spouse. But I guess I can't answer what I would do without knowing their ages. If they are very young and I would have to actually watch them and made sure their ate and behaved, then I wouldn't bring them. If they are old enough to feed them selves and not get into trouble then I would bring them.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

good2Bqueen13 said:

Not to thread jack, but I hope FI's family doesn't have these feelings about our guest list. We invited my cousins with their children because they all live out of state - the cousins couldn't come if they didn't bring the munchkins, so we included them. His family is a) much larger (he has 31 first cousins; I have 10) and b) all local so we invited just the adults. Opposite of this situation though.
Etiquette states that you should invite all in a similar group, but that the group need not apply across the aisle. In other words, if you invite one cousin's children, you should invite all of your cousins' children, however, across the aisle, it is not necessary for the groom to invite his cousin's children. So, if that makes any sense, it appears your situation is well within the rules of proper etiquette. The situation with DH's family is where this rule of etiquette really applies. With my children, he would have a dozen guests while his bride has more than 100. If they had chosen to invite his cousin's children, she would not be obligated to invite hers. I don't know the dynamics of her family, but if it is anything like mine, that would be an extra 50 guests! I have a large family!

This cannot possibly be true that in order to invite one of my cousins I must invite them all. Just because we have a grandparent in common does not mean that they need to be invited to my wedding. Also, I adore my one cousin's children and could not imagine getting married without having them there, and I have another cousin's child I've never met. They're really in the same "circle"?

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

bubblegum1309 said:

OP mentioned the grooms family has put a lot of money towards the wedding, and because of that they feel like they get some say of their small portion of the guest list. We don't know if the bride begrudgingly added the kids or if it was more of an over sight. Sounds like OP and the bride have no form of communication and because of that I assume it was an over sight on the bride's behalf (but that is an assumption - and I know it's grooms job too, but I love Hubby but he would totally drop the ball on something like this) but for all we know it really isn't a big deal.

The actual question though was to bring the kids or not. You never mentioned their ages but most kids don't have a lot of fun at weddings especially if they don't know anyone, and I think it is important to have adults only time with your spouse. But I guess I can't answer what I would do without knowing their ages. If they are very young and I would have to actually watch them and made sure their ate and behaved, then I wouldn't bring them. If they are old enough to feed them selves and not get into trouble then I would bring them.

You are right , we don't know anything about how this Bride and Groom created their guest list, and neither does the OP. I'd wager the MOG doesn't know either.

I would not assume that the Bride made an oversight in not inviting her FI's cousin's children to the wedding. . . it very well may have been a conscious decision between her and her FI, and it's their prerogative.

good2Bqueen13 · May 2014

good2Bqueen13 said:

Not to thread jack, but I hope FI's family doesn't have these feelings about our guest list. We invited my cousins with their children because they all live out of state - the cousins couldn't come if they didn't bring the munchkins, so we included them. His family is a) much larger (he has 31 first cousins; I have 10) and b) all local so we invited just the adults. Opposite of this situation though.
Etiquette states that you should invite all in a similar group, but that the group need not apply across the aisle. In other words, if you invite one cousin's children, you should invite all of your cousins' children, however, across the aisle, it is not necessary for the groom to invite his cousin's children. So, if that makes any sense, it appears your situation is well within the rules of proper etiquette. The situation with DH's family is where this rule of etiquette really applies. With my children, he would have a dozen guests while his bride has more than 100. If they had chosen to invite his cousin's children, she would not be obligated to invite hers. I don't know the dynamics of her family, but if it is anything like mine, that would be an extra 50 guests! I have a large family!

This cannot possibly be true that in order to invite one of my cousins I must invite them all. Just because we have a grandparent in common does not mean that they need to be invited to my wedding. Also, I adore my one cousin's children and could not imagine getting married without having them there, and I have another cousin's child I've never met. They're really in the same "circle"?

Yes, it is actual etiquette! I know, right?! I think it must have been created back when families were closer. These days brothers and sisters move away and you may have never even MET some cousins. It is, however, etiquette. Honestly, it just goes to show that etiquette is a rule of thumb, appropriate under ideal circumstances. I had a very private ceremony (more of an elopement, really) just to avoid the guest list nightmare! ;o) Just kidding, but it certainly did make it easier. We only invited people we spent time with socially at least once a week. Still a specific "group" I guess, but it wasn't based on blood relationship.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

good2Bqueen13 said:

good2Bqueen13 said:

Not to thread jack, but I hope FI's family doesn't have these feelings about our guest list. We invited my cousins with their children because they all live out of state - the cousins couldn't come if they didn't bring the munchkins, so we included them. His family is a) much larger (he has 31 first cousins; I have 10) and b) all local so we invited just the adults. Opposite of this situation though.
Etiquette states that you should invite all in a similar group, but that the group need not apply across the aisle. In other words, if you invite one cousin's children, you should invite all of your cousins' children, however, across the aisle, it is not necessary for the groom to invite his cousin's children. So, if that makes any sense, it appears your situation is well within the rules of proper etiquette. The situation with DH's family is where this rule of etiquette really applies. With my children, he would have a dozen guests while his bride has more than 100. If they had chosen to invite his cousin's children, she would not be obligated to invite hers. I don't know the dynamics of her family, but if it is anything like mine, that would be an extra 50 guests! I have a large family!

This cannot possibly be true that in order to invite one of my cousins I must invite them all. Just because we have a grandparent in common does not mean that they need to be invited to my wedding. Also, I adore my one cousin's children and could not imagine getting married without having them there, and I have another cousin's child I've never met. They're really in the same "circle"?
Yes, it is actual etiquette! I know, right?! I think it must have been created back when families were closer. These days brothers and sisters move away and you may have never even MET some cousins. It is, however, etiquette. Honestly, it just goes to show that etiquette is a rule of thumb, appropriate under ideal circumstances. I had a very private ceremony (more of an elopement, really) just to avoid the guest list nightmare! ;o) Just kidding, but it certainly did make it easier. We only invited people we spent time with socially at least once a week. Still a specific "group" I guess, but it wasn't based on blood relationship.

I don't know. I still don't believe this is etiquette as much as it's tradition. Because I have an aunt I've seen once in 20 years and I will not be inviting her to my wedding. My sister invited her to her wedding last year and aunt couldn't be bothered to mail back the stamped RSVP. But the fact that I refuse to invite her does not mean I won't be inviting aunts and uncles I actually like and see fairly regularly. And, yes, I will be dying on this hill.

Also, just because they're my cousins, does not mean I have to invite them when they're 20 years younger than me. Even when I see them at family functions we don't talk or hang out or catch up. I might invite them (because unlike my aunt, I don't have anything against them), but I don't think I HAVE to just because I will be inviting cousins who I've adopted as brothers because they're close in a age and awesome.

ETA: All my cousins are relatives, but only some of my cousins are family. KWIM?

huskypuppy14 · May 2014

good2Bqueen13 said:

good2Bqueen13 said:

Not to thread jack, but I hope FI's family doesn't have these feelings about our guest list. We invited my cousins with their children because they all live out of state - the cousins couldn't come if they didn't bring the munchkins, so we included them. His family is a) much larger (he has 31 first cousins; I have 10) and b) all local so we invited just the adults. Opposite of this situation though.
Etiquette states that you should invite all in a similar group, but that the group need not apply across the aisle. In other words, if you invite one cousin's children, you should invite all of your cousins' children, however, across the aisle, it is not necessary for the groom to invite his cousin's children. So, if that makes any sense, it appears your situation is well within the rules of proper etiquette. The situation with DH's family is where this rule of etiquette really applies. With my children, he would have a dozen guests while his bride has more than 100. If they had chosen to invite his cousin's children, she would not be obligated to invite hers. I don't know the dynamics of her family, but if it is anything like mine, that would be an extra 50 guests! I have a large family!

This cannot possibly be true that in order to invite one of my cousins I must invite them all. Just because we have a grandparent in common does not mean that they need to be invited to my wedding. Also, I adore my one cousin's children and could not imagine getting married without having them there, and I have another cousin's child I've never met. They're really in the same "circle"?
Yes, it is actual etiquette! I know, right?! I think it must have been created back when families were closer. These days brothers and sisters move away and you may have never even MET some cousins. It is, however, etiquette. Honestly, it just goes to show that etiquette is a rule of thumb, appropriate under ideal circumstances. I had a very private ceremony (more of an elopement, really) just to avoid the guest list nightmare! ;o) Just kidding, but it certainly did make it easier. We only invited people we spent time with socially at least once a week. Still a specific "group" I guess, but it wasn't based on blood relationship.

No it's not. Just because someone is a cousin doesn't mean they get invited just because other cousins are invited. You are not entitled to an invitation to someone's wedding just because you are related to them.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

huskypuppy14 said:

good2Bqueen13 said:

good2Bqueen13 said:

Not to thread jack, but I hope FI's family doesn't have these feelings about our guest list. We invited my cousins with their children because they all live out of state - the cousins couldn't come if they didn't bring the munchkins, so we included them. His family is a) much larger (he has 31 first cousins; I have 10) and b) all local so we invited just the adults. Opposite of this situation though.
Etiquette states that you should invite all in a similar group, but that the group need not apply across the aisle. In other words, if you invite one cousin's children, you should invite all of your cousins' children, however, across the aisle, it is not necessary for the groom to invite his cousin's children. So, if that makes any sense, it appears your situation is well within the rules of proper etiquette. The situation with DH's family is where this rule of etiquette really applies. With my children, he would have a dozen guests while his bride has more than 100. If they had chosen to invite his cousin's children, she would not be obligated to invite hers. I don't know the dynamics of her family, but if it is anything like mine, that would be an extra 50 guests! I have a large family!

This cannot possibly be true that in order to invite one of my cousins I must invite them all. Just because we have a grandparent in common does not mean that they need to be invited to my wedding. Also, I adore my one cousin's children and could not imagine getting married without having them there, and I have another cousin's child I've never met. They're really in the same "circle"?
Yes, it is actual etiquette! I know, right?! I think it must have been created back when families were closer. These days brothers and sisters move away and you may have never even MET some cousins. It is, however, etiquette. Honestly, it just goes to show that etiquette is a rule of thumb, appropriate under ideal circumstances. I had a very private ceremony (more of an elopement, really) just to avoid the guest list nightmare! ;o) Just kidding, but it certainly did make it easier. We only invited people we spent time with socially at least once a week. Still a specific "group" I guess, but it wasn't based on blood relationship.

No it's not. Just because someone is a cousin doesn't mean they get invited just because other cousins are invited. You are not entitled to an invitation to someone's wedding just because you are related to them.

You may always invite whomever you want to your wedding, as long as you abide by certain non-optional conventions (such as inviting SOs, even if you don't really like them.)

It's generally considered wise to invite in circles -- i.e., all first cousins, but no second cousins -- because it saves drama and hurt feelings and general ill-will. Aunt Sally doesn't get to the wedding and find out HER kids weren't invited but Aunt Betty's kids were and then Aunt Sally raises a fuss about it because she doesn't understand why you like Aunt Betty's kids better than her kids, because you're all cousins, after all.

At its core, etiquette is about making people comfortable, and putting their comfort above your own desires. Certainly there were SOs of friends at our wedding whom I didn't especially like or care for. But those people were important to our friends, and our friends' comfort was important to us, so we included the SOs.

I have said frequently on the boards that an accidental genetic relationship doesn't mean anything when it comes to wedding invites. The flip side of that is that weddings aren't an excuse for the bride and groom to start a family feud the rest of the family will spend decades fighting over.

good2Bqueen13 · May 2014

There is no back story, really. MoB and FoB love the bride. They are just seeing a different side of her since this wedding thing began. She has very good taste. Her family can afford a nice event, but his family has chosen to ease the burden by contributing (I'm estimating, based on the figure aunt threw out) at least a quarter of the expense. The frugal side of me hopes it's closer to 1/3 - yikes! Anyway, I am not sure it was an oversight because when asked about child arrangements, she didn't offer children plates at that time. And that's ok. My aunt's thought is that not many of son's side can make the trip. He has one couple (us) who can make, but that couple happens to have children. If other children are going to be there anyway, and money is no object, and neither is venue size, what kind of bride would NOT make a special effort to accommodate her groom's family who is willing to spend their time and money to be there? That's her thought. This is really a big deal for her because family is EVERYTHING, and she's baffled that this normally adorable, kind, considerate woman seems to have forgotten her groom's part in this event, as if he (and his family) are an afterthought. And in the bride's defense, it's probably because he has pretty much wanted nothing to do with it except to show up for the party afterwards.

good2Bqueen13 · May 2014

As far as the inviting in circles (all first cousins, or all aunts, or whatever) that etiquette comes straight from Emily Post's Book of Wedding Etiquette. You can choose to follow it or not, but it is what it is, I guess. People stray from etiquette all of the time, and I think it makes sense under certain circumstances, but that doesn't mean it isn't etiquette.

Fairyjen1 · May 2014

I think inviting in circles is more tradition than etiquette, and is mostly recommended to avoid any family drama. I don't think you HAVE to invite anyone besides SO's if you invite one half of a couple. I believe you can pick and choose your cousins, aunts, etc. and it's not an all or nothing deal. I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong.

I understand in some families you HAVE to invite in circles or risk generations of wrath, but I think you are in the clear etiquette wise if you don't. For instance, I wasn't going to invite one of my cousins. He's a drug user and has been known to steal from people at family gatherings. I'm not going to subject my other guests to that. My aunt would have been dissapointed, but she understands that's the consequence. I didn't feel it was right to exclude all of my cousins because one can't behave, and , quite frankly, even if etiquette said I HAD to invite him I still wouldn't, and just go quietly to my place in etiquette hell afterwards.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

good2Bqueen13 said:

There is no back story, really. MoB and FoB love the bride. They are just seeing a different side of her since this wedding thing began. What do you mean? This sounds like hearsay, and obviously there is a back story. And again, where is the MoG's SON in all of this? It is his wedding too, he gets to make decisions as well. She has very good taste. Her family can afford a nice event, but his family has chosen to ease the burden by contributing Ok, but what are they contributing to? The flowers? The reception alcohol? A portion of the reception? Because if they are not contributing directly to or hosting the reception, then the MoG and FoG have no say in the guestlist. (I'm estimating, based on the figure aunt threw out MOG is being uber tacky by discussing how much she is spending on her son's wedding to you, sorry.) at least a quarter of the expense. The frugal side of me hopes it's closer to 1/3 - yikes! Anyway, I am not sure it was an oversight because when asked about child arrangements, she didn't offer children plates at that time. And that's ok. My aunt's thought is that not many of son's side can make the trip. He has one couple (us) who can make, but that couple happens to have children. If other children are going to be there anyway, and money is no object, and neither is venue size, what kind of bride would NOT make a special effort to accommodate her groom's family who is willing to spend their time and money to be there? Why is this solely the bride's "fault"? WHERE IS YOUR FI'S COUSIN IN ALL OF THIS? THE MOG'S SON?! The MOH needs to stop solely blaming the Bride for something that is frankly none of anyone's business- the guest list.

1st- Children are just like any other guests, the couple and/or the hosts get to choose what guests and what children they wish to invite. Just because the Bride and Groom are inviting some children, does not mean they have to invite your children, or anyone else's kids. Perhaps the Bride and Groom don't want to invite the children of their cousins, that might be their cut off. And that's their prerogative which no one should question.

2nd- The financial situation of the couple and their parents is none of anyone's business, and it is not fair to just assume that money isn't an object in regards to this wedding. They might have a budget that they are not willing to extend just to invite your children.

3rd- Do you know for a fact that venue size isn't an issue? What is the firecode for that venue and how many people are they inviting? It's not your wedding so you probably don't know, and shouldn't make assumptions.

That's her thought. This is really a big deal for her because family is EVERYTHING, and she's baffled that this normally adorable, kind, considerate woman seems to have forgotten her groom's part in this event, as if he (and his family) are an afterthought. The MOG is making a lot of assumptions, and seems to be blaming the Bride for things she doesn't agree with, and you seem to be buying into everything she is saying. Again for emphasis, Why is this solely the bride's "fault"? Again, WHERE IS YOUR FI'S COUSIN IN ALL OF THIS? THE MOG'S SON?! This issue the MOG has with the guestlist is between her and her son only. And in the bride's defense, it's probably because he has pretty much wanted nothing to do with it except to show up for the party afterwards. How do you know that FI's cousin has checked out of the planning and wants nothing to do with it? Have you spoken to him directly about his wedding and his role in planning it or are you, or MOG, making assumptions?

I don't mean to come across as harsh with you, I'm honestly not trying to beat you- the messenger- down, lol!

But I don't like the way in which the Bride is being portrayed as the bad guy by MoG when 1) It's her son's wedding too and 2) We have no idea what logic went into crafting the guest list.

I think it's shitty for anyone to just assume that the Bride is being mean and that she doesn't want to invite her FI's family. How many ppl are invited to this wedding in total? How many ppl does her FI have on his side? Why are so few attending. . . is this a DW or something? I mean if this couple invited most or all of FI's family and only a few choose to come, that's not on the Bride.

It just seems to me that the MOG is choosing to make a Battle Royale out of something that isn't any of her business, is choosing to ignore her son's responsibility in this wedding, and is choosing to paint the Bride as a Bridezilla.

annathy03 · May 2014

I wouldn't take them.

Even if it was an oversight, it sounds like they'd prefer to be swimming at the hotel, and you'd prefer an adult night out. If it wasn't, you're potentially playing into drama. The B&G may have invited say, nieces and nephews but not second cousins, and them coming could lead to fallout with the Bride's cousins if their children weren't invited.

Also if the MOG is close with your kids, there's no reason she couldn't see them earlier in the day or on a different day depending how long you're in town. At the wedding she'll be focused on her son getting married, not family children.

good2Bqueen13 · May 2014

annathy03 said:

I wouldn't take them.

Even if it was an oversight, it sounds like they'd prefer to be swimming at the hotel, and you'd prefer an adult night out. If it wasn't, you're potentially playing into drama. The B&G may have invited say, nieces and nephews but not second cousins, and them coming could lead to fallout with the Bride's cousins if their children weren't invited.

Also if the MOG is close with your kids, there's no reason she couldn't see them earlier in the day or on a different day depending how long you're in town. At the wedding she'll be focused on her son getting married, not family children.

I think you've said it perfectly. I was fine with bringing a sitter along from the beginning. It's better for us (DH and me) and it's better for my children to not have to "behave" (I have very high expectations of children in public) for four to six hours. My biggest concern was that after the bride went to the trouble of adding two extra kids plates, how grateful would it look if I didn't even bring the kids?

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

good2Bqueen13 said:

annathy03 said:

I wouldn't take them.

Even if it was an oversight, it sounds like they'd prefer to be swimming at the hotel, and you'd prefer an adult night out. If it wasn't, you're potentially playing into drama. The B&G may have invited say, nieces and nephews but not second cousins, and them coming could lead to fallout with the Bride's cousins if their children weren't invited.

Also if the MOG is close with your kids, there's no reason she couldn't see them earlier in the day or on a different day depending how long you're in town. At the wedding she'll be focused on her son getting married, not family children.

I think you've said it perfectly. I was fine with bringing a sitter along from the beginning. It's better for us (DH and me) and it's better for my children to not have to "behave" (I have very high expectations of children in public) for four to six hours. My biggest concern was that after the bride went to the trouble of adding two extra kids plates, how grateful would it look if I didn't even bring the kids?

Have your DH call his cousin and thank him profusely for the kind gesture, and while you appreciate it you are not going to be bringing the kids to the wedding.

Then buckle up and get ready for DH's Aunt to make a stink about your decision.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

huskypuppy14 said:

good2Bqueen13 said:

good2Bqueen13 said:

Not to thread jack, but I hope FI's family doesn't have these feelings about our guest list. We invited my cousins with their children because they all live out of state - the cousins couldn't come if they didn't bring the munchkins, so we included them. His family is a) much larger (he has 31 first cousins; I have 10) and b) all local so we invited just the adults. Opposite of this situation though.
Etiquette states that you should invite all in a similar group, but that the group need not apply across the aisle. In other words, if you invite one cousin's children, you should invite all of your cousins' children, however, across the aisle, it is not necessary for the groom to invite his cousin's children. So, if that makes any sense, it appears your situation is well within the rules of proper etiquette. The situation with DH's family is where this rule of etiquette really applies. With my children, he would have a dozen guests while his bride has more than 100. If they had chosen to invite his cousin's children, she would not be obligated to invite hers. I don't know the dynamics of her family, but if it is anything like mine, that would be an extra 50 guests! I have a large family!

This cannot possibly be true that in order to invite one of my cousins I must invite them all. Just because we have a grandparent in common does not mean that they need to be invited to my wedding. Also, I adore my one cousin's children and could not imagine getting married without having them there, and I have another cousin's child I've never met. They're really in the same "circle"?
Yes, it is actual etiquette! I know, right?! I think it must have been created back when families were closer. These days brothers and sisters move away and you may have never even MET some cousins. It is, however, etiquette. Honestly, it just goes to show that etiquette is a rule of thumb, appropriate under ideal circumstances. I had a very private ceremony (more of an elopement, really) just to avoid the guest list nightmare! ;o) Just kidding, but it certainly did make it easier. We only invited people we spent time with socially at least once a week. Still a specific "group" I guess, but it wasn't based on blood relationship.

No it's not. Just because someone is a cousin doesn't mean they get invited just because other cousins are invited. You are not entitled to an invitation to someone's wedding just because you are related to them.

You may always invite whomever you want to your wedding, as long as you abide by certain non-optional conventions (such as inviting SOs, even if you don't really like them.)

It's generally considered wise to invite in circles -- i.e., all first cousins, but no second cousins -- because it saves drama and hurt feelings and general ill-will. Aunt Sally doesn't get to the wedding and find out HER kids weren't invited but Aunt Betty's kids were and then Aunt Sally raises a fuss about it because she doesn't understand why you like Aunt Betty's kids better than her kids, because you're all cousins, after all.

At its core, etiquette is about making people comfortable, and putting their comfort above your own desires. Certainly there were SOs of friends at our wedding whom I didn't especially like or care for. But those people were important to our friends, and our friends' comfort was important to us, so we included the SOs.

I have said frequently on the boards that an accidental genetic relationship doesn't mean anything when it comes to wedding invites. The flip side of that is that weddings aren't an excuse for the bride and groom to start a family feud the rest of the family will spend decades fighting over.

Yeah I disagree that this is a hard and fast rule. It's widely advised to avoid drama, but not absolutely required. I do have one cousin we're not inviting - I haven't seen her in 15 years despite her being local; henceforth I have not met her husband or any of her 6 children (7? I lose count). Her mother (my aunt) is invited and knows that the cousin is not, and actually suggested that she not be. Her reasoning was that she chose a particular lifestyle (long story) with the understanding that it would likely remove her from most family functions. There will be no drama created by the omission.

good2Bqueen13 · May 2014

good2Bqueen13 said:

There is no back story, really. MoB and FoB love the bride. They are just seeing a different side of her since this wedding thing began. What do you mean? This sounds like hearsay, and obviously there is a back story. And again, where is the MoG's SON in all of this? It is his wedding too, he gets to make decisions as well. She has very good taste. Her family can afford a nice event, but his family has chosen to ease the burden by contributing Ok, but what are they contributing to? The flowers? The reception alcohol? A portion of the reception? Because if they are not contributing directly to or hosting the reception, then the MoG and FoG have no say in the guestlist. (I'm estimating, based on the figure aunt threw out MOG is being uber tacky by discussing how much she is spending on her son's wedding to you, sorry.) at least a quarter of the expense. The frugal side of me hopes it's closer to 1/3 - yikes! Anyway, I am not sure it was an oversight because when asked about child arrangements, she didn't offer children plates at that time. And that's ok. My aunt's thought is that not many of son's side can make the trip. He has one couple (us) who can make, but that couple happens to have children. If other children are going to be there anyway, and money is no object, and neither is venue size, what kind of bride would NOT make a special effort to accommodate her groom's family who is willing to spend their time and money to be there? Why is this solely the bride's "fault"? WHERE IS YOUR FI'S COUSIN IN ALL OF THIS? THE MOG'S SON?! The MOH needs to stop solely blaming the Bride for something that is frankly none of anyone's business- the guest list.

1st- Children are just like any other guests, the couple and/or the hosts get to choose what guests and what children they wish to invite. Just because the Bride and Groom are inviting some children, does not mean they have to invite your children, or anyone else's kids. Perhaps the Bride and Groom don't want to invite the children of their cousins, that might be their cut off. And that's their prerogative which no one should question.

2nd- The financial situation of the couple and their parents is none of anyone's business, and it is not fair to just assume that money isn't an object in regards to this wedding. They might have a budget that they are not willing to extend just to invite your children.

3rd- Do you know for a fact that venue size isn't an issue? What is the firecode for that venue and how many people are they inviting? It's not your wedding so you probably don't know, and shouldn't make assumptions.

That's her thought. This is really a big deal for her because family is EVERYTHING, and she's baffled that this normally adorable, kind, considerate woman seems to have forgotten her groom's part in this event, as if he (and his family) are an afterthought. The MOG is making a lot of assumptions, and seems to be blaming the Bride for things she doesn't agree with, and you seem to be buying into everything she is saying. Again for emphasis, Why is this solely the bride's "fault"? Again, WHERE IS YOUR FI'S COUSIN IN ALL OF THIS? THE MOG'S SON?! This issue the MOG has with the guestlist is between her and her son only. And in the bride's defense, it's probably because he has pretty much wanted nothing to do with it except to show up for the party afterwards. How do you know that FI's cousin has checked out of the planning and wants nothing to do with it? Have you spoken to him directly about his wedding and his role in planning it or are you, or MOG, making assumptions?

I don't mean to come across as harsh with you, I'm honestly not trying to beat you- the messenger- down, lol!

But I don't like the way in which the Bride is being portrayed as the bad guy by MoG when 1) It's her son's wedding too and 2) We have no idea what logic went into crafting the guest list.

I think it's shitty for anyone to just assume that the Bride is being mean and that she doesn't want to invite her FI's family. How many ppl are invited to this wedding in total? How many ppl does her FI have on his side? Why are so few attending. . . is this a DW or something? I mean if this couple invited most or all of FI's family and only a few choose to come, that's not on the Bride.

It just seems to me that the MOG is choosing to make a Battle Royale out of something that isn't any of her business, is choosing to ignore her son's responsibility in this wedding, and is choosing to paint the Bride as a Bridezilla.

I think maybe I have made this sound like a bigger deal than it is. MoG found out at the bridal shower other children were invited to the wedding who live in town and are children of friends. MoG felt like if SOME children were invited, certainly children on groom's side should also be included. She did not call her out about the decision at the shower. But she did later tell the bride she felt the exclusion was inconsiderate when family members are willing to come from so far to support the couple. The bride apologized and said she would order two extra children's plates. There are no hard feelings. MoG is just surprised bride didn't offer it herself because it is out of character for her, as well as other decisions that have been made with regard to the wedding only. To answer some of the questions, I do not know the bride, but I do know the groom. He just wants his bride to get the wedding she wants and he just wants to celebrate. I do not know of many grooms who actually take part in the planning and he is no exception. At least that's been my experience. My MIL and his sister were his "input" to our wedding. And I gladly accommodated them because I knew it would mean much more to him than anything else about the wedding. This groom, and I know him well, would prefer his mom do his part of the "girl stuff". As far as money spent, our discussion regarding their financial input was not at all tacky. We are close and she shared with me what she has contributed so far as a part of a conversation about how expensive weddings are. I don't think it's uncommon for friends to talk about such things as, "can you believe my son's tux was $1200?" or "These weddings are going to put us in the poor house. Who would have thought Son's wedding would cost us more than Daughter's. Haha". I have no idea what the other parents have contributed and it really doesn't even matter. The conversation had nothing to do with our children not being invited because it took place before the shower. There are expected to be about 150 people at this event - the venue is a well known hotel that could accommodate more than three times that number. Space is not an issue. And the reason so few people from his side will be there is because the will be having a second reception in his hometown later and many of his friends and family chose to wait for that to save the travel expenses. That's the kicker in Aunt's book. The people who are choosing to travel are going out of their way to be there instead of just waiting for the local event. They love Son enough to do this. She just thinks it would be polite to accommodate them. I don't think the bride was singling out our children, I think she just didn't think about his side as much as she was thinking about hers. But I was just as guilty of this as she was when I was a bride. It's easy to get self absorbed and not think about how our actions or in this case, inactions affect others. As I said before, I didn't mind my children not being invited, but if I spent all of the extra money for a travel along sitter and showed up to find children running around, I would have been hurt.

Should I take my kids to the wedding?

Re: Should I take my kids to the wedding?

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