the only time i see it exceptable is when the venue is a drive aways from the ceremony and you would need that time to drive to the reception
ex ceremony starts at 5 ends at 6 reception is at 7 and the reception venue is at least 45 minutes away that gives you enough time to get to the venue and have 15 minutes to spare this is on a good day with no traffic
the only time i see it exceptable is when the venue is a drive aways from the ceremony and you would need that time to drive to the reception
ex ceremony starts at 5 ends at 6 reception is at 7 and the reception venue is at least 45 minutes away that gives you enough time to get to the venue and have 15 minutes to spare this is on a good day with no traffic
I don't think it's acceptable to have a 45 minute drive between venues. 30 minutes max.
I read the whole thread and I don't see anyone being rude? Besides the OP who is having the gap, which is definitely rude. Maybe that's what she meant when she said people are rude?
OP, whether or not you ask for advice about something does not mean you won't get it. If you ask about A and B but also share info about C, people have every right to respond with their opinions about C.
Not everyone is going to enjoy going to shops, etc to amuse themselves between your wedding and reception. Having no alcohol is fine,
What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
Why are you saying you don't want alcohol because of your family, but it's okay for people to bring flasks? You're essentially saying BYOB under the disguise of it being a "dry" wedding because of your family. If there are people drinking, it's not dry.
You don't have to state it anywhere. If they are close to you and know your views on alcohol, they'd probably assume anyway and if not, then the time of day (if it's earlier, people tend not to drink/drink less) should clue them in anyway.
As for the gap. I understand that your times are set and the gap may be unavoidable now but maybe you can arrange for a guided tour of the city or a nature walk or something to keep your guests entertained and maybe provide something to munch on and water or something. The gap wouldn't seem so much like a gap then and your guests will likely appreciate the gesture. Although a 2 - 3 hour gap might be stretching it a bit...
Gaps are annoying, I just experienced one. I was hungry, tired, and had to go to a 7.11 to get a snack in between. And I was wearing high heels and didn't know where to go, or what to do with myself. However, I would have been even more annoyed if that gap was turned into a group "nature walk" or something. I would have felt obligated to attend, and probably would prefer to just sit somewhere, or look at shops, or go back to the hotel (this is not to say that I would enjoy this. I would not. I would still be annoyed that there was a time gap taking up my day, no matter if you're my family or close friend.) I agree with providing snacks and water. And I agree that gaps are rude to guests. But taking over my entire weekend to have a gap that seemingly mandates touristy things that I may or may not enjoy... ugh.
ps: As for the dry wedding issues. I agree with PP, dry weddings are perfectly fine. Do not encourage flasks (if guests do that themselves, fine, free country. Certainly not something I would do, seems tacky to me. But a bride hosting a dry wedding encouraging usage of flasks and hidden alcohol? Classless.) And do not store secret sangria for those in the know.
It sounds like you, OP, are worried that your friends who know you to occasionally drink will expect you to have alcohol and be surprised when you don't. One, it would be rude for them to complain about this, and two, if you are "talking wedding" with anyone, you can always mention that you will be having a dry wedding if you are more worried about them being surprised than anything else. But then they may ask why. Mentioning it elsewhere is the same thing. You're going to open yourself to people asking questions about why you are doing what you are doing. If you are not prepared to answer these questions or "bean dip" them, it may be better to just do what you want (within the bounds of properly hosting your guests), and enjoy the day with your family, friends, and husband. If rude people want to whisper, let them whisper.
Unless you're my BFF, if I see a gap, one of two things is happening: I'm declining all together or I'm skipping part of the day.
But I'm not sitting around all dressed up with nowhere to go for any amount of time longer than driving from ceremony to reception site and that should not take more than 30 minutes.
And I don't need anyone other than DH to plan my vacations for me.
I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
You mentioned having sangria secretly in a cooler for some people. If I had found out that there was sangria days after the supposed dry wedding, I would be so upset!!
I would feel like I was not as special of a person to be in on the secret.
And sangria is my favorite alcoholic drink of all time.
Dry weddings are fine, treating some of your guests more special than the others with what you offer is not.
If every single wedding you've ever attended has had a gap, then every single couple who's wedding you attended were rude to you. And obviously, you don't know enough about rudeness to understand how bad it really was to do that to you.
If I HAD to be at a wedding with a gap (which I probably wouldn't be), I'd take my Kindle, find a McD's or Starbucks, settle in, and come here to gripe about how I'm stuck somewhere I don't want to be waiting on someone who doesn't have respect for my time or manners.
Lose the gap.
If you want a dry wedding, have a dry wedding. Any nonalcoholic beverages are perfectly fine to serve your guests. Do not have a secret stash or let people bring flasks. If it's dry, OWN IT. Or serve your secret stash to everyone. Anything else is rude.
If every single wedding you've ever attended has had a gap, then every single couple who's wedding you attended were rude to you. And obviously, you don't know enough about rudeness to understand how bad it really was to do that to you.
If I HAD to be at a wedding with a gap (which I probably wouldn't be), I'd take my Kindle, find a McD's or Starbucks, settle in, and come here to gripe about how I'm stuck somewhere I don't want to be waiting on someone who doesn't have respect for my time or manners.
Lose the gap.
If you want a dry wedding, have a dry wedding. Any nonalcoholic beverages are perfectly fine to serve your guests. Do not have a secret stash or let people bring flasks. If it's dry, OWN IT. Or serve your secret stash to everyone. Anything else is rude.
While I agree that gaps are rude, the attitude towards rudeness is subjective. It is perfectly fine not to feel offended by something that is rude. It does not mean one lacks understanding, it just means that one has a different attitude towards it. For example, I do know that gaps are rude, but I do not view it as something bad that was done to me. And that's ok.
The point of etiquette is to avoid offending those people that might find breaches of etiquette offensive. It doesn't mean that all people are offended by all things that breach etiquette.
I am also having a dry wedding. My friends know that I drink occasionally. I am simply letting them know, if it comes up, that we won't be providing alcohol. It will not be included on the invitations or website.
I would not encourage people to bring their own drinks. If your religious family finds out, they will be hurt. If people who didn't know find out, they will be upset that they weren't able to bring any. And a half-sober, half-drunk crowd is going to be an awkward mixture. Own your decision and move forward with it.
But if your family is so religious that that (in addition to your father's alcoholism) is your reason for a dry wedding, keep it dry. No sangria. And you don't have to advertise in advance that the wedding is dry. It's actually not polite to do so, because the etiquette rule is that the guests graciously accept whatever the hosts choose to provide without negative comment. For any guest to complain about the lack of alcohol, leave the wedding to find their own at their own expense, or bring it with them is rude. This is why invitations do not properly contain notations about the type of hospitality and entertainment being provided; they should merely say "Reception to follow" if it is taking place at the ceremony venue or "Reception" followed by the reception venue on an insert if it's at a different location.
The schedule is also on the wedding website, so people can make their own plans if they wish. We WON'T have a registry and when people have asked our attendants what we would like, they have been instructed to say that traveling to our wedding would be our gift.
This just gets worse and worse. You don't get to tell people not to give you a gift.
If you can't afford to host your wedding properly (and you are NOT hosting properly!) then you need to make other plans. There is nothing wrong with a simple cake and punch reception, but you are trying to have a wedding that you cannot afford, at the expense of your guests' time, comfort and convenience.
Actually...there is nothing wrong with this. This is exactly what one is supposed to do- say nothing about gifts, and when pressed (or when someone else is asked) let people know by word of mouth you a) have a registry or b) are saving for something or c) really don't expect anything.
Isn't this the advice you all give? They are allowed to say they don't want anything if that is the truth.
You have a good point, but I think most people would not be happy about not giving a gift of some sort. I know that I would at least bring a card with a check in it. When DH's father was re-married 20 years ago, we gave an antique cut glass bowl. The gift was refused. We were very embarrassed. It seems that the bride and groom had requested "no gifts". We were not told this. Since then, they have not hesitated to ask us for money, and our lawyers are currently in negotiation with them over a trust fund.
the only time i see it exceptable is when the venue is a drive aways from the ceremony and you would need that time to drive to the reception
ex ceremony starts at 5 ends at 6 reception is at 7 and the reception venue is at least 45 minutes away that gives you enough time to get to the venue and have 15 minutes to spare this is on a good day with no traffic
I don't think it's acceptable to have a 45 minute drive between venues. 30 minutes max.
If you are already driving 30mins, I don't think another 15 is a big deal. That's just me.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
the only time i see it exceptable is when the venue is a drive aways from the ceremony and you would need that time to drive to the reception
ex ceremony starts at 5 ends at 6 reception is at 7 and the reception venue is at least 45 minutes away that gives you enough time to get to the venue and have 15 minutes to spare this is on a good day with no traffic
I don't think it's acceptable to have a 45 minute drive between venues. 30 minutes max.
If you are already driving 30mins, I don't think another 15 is a big deal. That's just me.
I think 30 minutes is pushing the boundaries of polite expectation. I think 45 minutes is well beyond the boundary.
I think the OP left but I just wanted to say that if I were attending your wedding and found that there was a gap that long, I'd probably spend it finding something to eat and having a few (or more) drinks. I might show up to your reception a little buzzed, depending on how long you make me fend for myself.
It's completely OK to have a dry wedding; I've been to two, was not informed beforehand that they would be dry, and had a wonderful time (except for the hour and a half gap between the ceremony and reception of one of them. That was torture! Just an FYI)
the only time i see it exceptable is when the venue is a drive aways from the ceremony and you would need that time to drive to the reception
ex ceremony starts at 5 ends at 6 reception is at 7 and the reception venue is at least 45 minutes away that gives you enough time to get to the venue and have 15 minutes to spare this is on a good day with no traffic
I don't think it's acceptable to have a 45 minute drive between venues. 30 minutes max.
If you are already driving 30mins, I don't think another 15 is a big deal. That's just me.
I think 30 minutes is pushing the boundaries of polite expectation. I think 45 minutes is well beyond the boundary.
Yeah, that's ok. I just don't agree. For me, it's not a big deal.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
My Fiance and I are from two different states with friends and family scattered all over the south. We decided on a neutral wedding location, in Gatlinburg, TN. We invited around 70 friends, family, and coworkers. It is a weekend affair, with a "welcome dinner" BBQ, the Ceremony at 1:00 on Saturday, a break where guests can roam the shops in Gatlinburg, and then a reception starting at 4 in the Great Smoky Mountains National park with a lasagna dinner beginning at 5 (a muffin brunch the next morning as well). It's laid back, camping themed, with lots nearby to entertain our guest (shops, trails, sights, animals). We'll have cake, a s'mores bar, and a campfire. I think it will be a lot of fun, but I'm worried about my guests enjoying themselves after driving between 5-7 hours one way for my wedding. They will be fed 3 times, be in a gorgeous atmosphere in summer, and are being encouraged to make a mini vacation out of this with their family. Is that enough?
My mother, father, grandparents, and fiance's mother and father are deeply religious and think alcohol is for sinners, they refuse to be around alcohol. On top of that, my father is an alcoholic ( I know, right?). Because of potential drama (which most of my guests know nothing about and I don't want to have to tell each and every one of them about my family's beliefs) I was going to just have a dry wedding weekend. I MAY stash some Sangria in a cooler for the wedding reception for anyone who asks/knows/wedding party/etc, but that would be it.
Am I being rude? Is this setup unreasonable? Will my guests have a good time or be disappointed in me?
Thank you!
I think hiding alcohol for only certain people is rude. I think the set up is a bit unreasonable. I think having a gap will encourage drinking, because people might go to a bar. Having a dry wedding is fine, and your guests should not be disappointed.
1) Meta advice: Don't post on the Knot, especially the etiquette board, if you don't want people to criticize you. That is virtually the only thing that happens here. Once in awhile you can get people to turn on each other and forget about you for awhile, but only rarely, and NEVER if you mention the Dread Gap.
1b) Meta-meta advice: Always lurk before posting anywhere! If you had, you would have known to just lie -- or post somewhere else. It's Internet 101.
2) Advice on your question: I think you should try to warn people about the dry wedding so they can drink during the gap if they find dry weddings dull, but don't do it on the invites, because that would be a bit weird. And don't hide the sangria for the cool kids, b/c that would make the non-cool kids feel sad! They'll know something is going on but they won't know who to ask or why they weren't offered any -- total high school flashbacks.
3) Probably unnecessary comforting words: You have 50 guests, meaning 25 per side, meaning basically your twelve closest friends and twelve closest relatives (even fewer, if people have plus ones). I'm sure if you know your guest list and you think they don't mind a gap, you're probably right. Honestly, everyone should have a certain number of people in their lives with whom they wouldn't stand on ceremony. People they could call up and say, "Can I crash on your couch? Can you help me with the catering on my wedding day? Can you help bury this body with me?" People, in other words, who would tell you if they minded a gap, and people whom you can trust to be perfectly happy amusing themselves between ceremony and reception. It's not like you invited your third-closest friend from your 2009 summer internship, you know?
1) Meta advice: Don't post on the Knot, especially the etiquette board, if you don't want people to criticize you. That is virtually the only thing that happens here. Once in awhile you can get people to turn on each other and forget about you for awhile, but only rarely, and NEVER if you mention the Dread Gap.
1b) Meta-meta advice: Always lurk before posting anywhere! If you had, you would have known to just lie -- or post somewhere else. It's Internet 101.
2) Advice on your question: I think you should try to warn people about the dry wedding so they can drink during the gap if they find dry weddings dull, but don't do it on the invites, because that would be a bit weird. And don't hide the sangria for the cool kids, b/c that would make the non-cool kids feel sad! They'll know something is going on but they won't know who to ask or why they weren't offered any -- total high school flashbacks.
3) Probably unnecessary comforting words: You have 50 guests, meaning 25 per side, meaning basically your twelve closest friends and twelve closest relatives (even fewer, if people have plus ones). I'm sure if you know your guest list and you think they don't mind a gap, you're probably right. Honestly, everyone should have a certain number of people in their lives with whom they wouldn't stand on ceremony. People they could call up and say, "Can I crash on your couch? Can you help me with the catering on my wedding day? Can you help bury this body with me?" People, in other words, who would tell you if they minded a gap, and people whom you can trust to be perfectly happy amusing themselves between ceremony and reception. It's not like you invited your third-closest friend from your 2009 summer internship, you know?
Yes, clearly the solution to treating your guests poorly is to lie. Then everything is just grand!
I feel like the Lorax of weddings. "I speak for the guests. I speak for the guests for the guests have no tongues."
This made me laugh out loud. I read the Lorax weekly to my students for conservation and stewardship lessons, and briefly imagined myself teaching 5th and 6th graders about wedding etiquette.
I agree that the gap needs to be hosted, if the ceremony can't be pushed back and the reception can't be pushed up. Some of the PP posted some neat ideas. Do keep in mind though that if you did something like a scavenger hunt, nature walk, etc that not all guests would be able to take advantage of that, even if money wasn't an issue. Energy, mobility and attire must also be considered. Best of luck!
Also, @kgi.agility the thing about etiquette is that most people are constantly trying to prevent hurt feelings and mistreatment of others. It is very possible that people in your circle ARE offended by gaps, but that nobody wants to be rude by speaking up about it. Please keep this in mind.
Haha... well, it wasn't a solution for treating her guests poorly (I didn't think it sounded like they were being treated poorly, so no solution was really necessary -- YMMV of course, and clearly it does), but a solution for the fact that the board's disapproval of that part was so strong that it was impossible for her to get advice on her original question. It's actually hilarious how many times this happens. Both the number of times people apparently fail to read any previous threads before posting and blithely come on here and mention a gap and get slaughtered for it, and the number of times that people have the energy to do the slaughtering.
Haha... well, it wasn't a solution for treating her guests poorly (I didn't think it sounded like they were being treated poorly, so no solution was really necessary -- YMMV of course, and clearly it does), but a solution for the fact that the board's disapproval of that part was so strong that it was impossible for her to get advice on her original question. It's actually hilarious how many times this happens. Both the number of times people apparently fail to read any previous threads before posting and blithely come on here and mention a gap and get slaughtered for it, and the number of times that people have the energy to do the slaughtering.
@biggrouch. Actually, she got multiple replies to her question. Her questions were:
Am I being rude? Is this setup unreasonable? Will my guests have a good time or be disappointed in me?
Later in the thread:
Do I need to somehow indicate to people that it will be a dry wedding?
@Artemischief: "If you're worried about the alcohol, don't be. It's perfectly acceptable to have a dry wedding."
@CMGRagain: "Alcohol is never required at a wedding. If your guests feel the need to drink, Gatlinberg has lots of bars. You don't need to provide alcohol."
@Viczaesar: "It's fine to have a dry wedding, even at a destination wedding. Do not hide alcohol that people have to know to request, that's rude. ... Having a gap is super rude."
@RebeccaB88: "A dry destination wedding is perfectly fine. Punch, tea, coffee, soft drinks, lemonade are all acceptable refreshments. If you're concerned about upsetting your parents, don't have a stash. ... If you want a dry wedding, have a dry wedding. Any nonalcoholic beverages are perfectly fine to serve your guests. Do not have a secret stash or let people bring flasks. If it's dry, OWN IT. Or serve your secret stash to everyone. Anything else is rude."
@CookiePusher: She quoted Miss Manners who is pretty much the queen of etiquette.
@CMGRagain: "No. You never describe the refreshments offered. It would be very rude of your guests to complain about the absence of alcohol."
@JCBride2015: "you are totally fine having a dry wedding weekend. No explanation needed! You have every right to serve or not serve whatever you want, as long as your food is appropriate for time of day (which yes, it is, so you're good there)."
@vulpiepop: "You don't have to state it anywhere. If they are close to you and know your views on alcohol, they'd probably assume anyway and if not, then the time of day (if it's earlier, people tend not to drink/drink less) should clue them in anyway."
@hyechica81: "i am sorry but gaps are a huge no no"
@AddieCake: "Not everyone is going to enjoy going to shops, etc to amuse themselves between your wedding and reception. Having no alcohol is fine,"
@scribe95: "Perfectly fine to have a dry wedding. But at the same time you don't hide alcohol or encourage people to bring flasks. That to me is just you shifting the cost. Yes the gap is rude. It is clearly against ettiquette. But everything else you have planned sounds lovely."
@lilacck28: "And I agree that gaps are rude to guests. ... dry weddings are perfectly fine."
@Sugargirl1019: "Dry weddings are fine, treating some of your guests more special than the others with what you offer is not."
@Jen4948: "A dry wedding is perfectly fine. ... And you don't have to advertise in advance that the wedding is dry. It's actually not polite to do so, because the etiquette rule is that the guests graciously accept whatever the hosts choose to provide without negative comment."
@JellyBean52513: "It's completely OK to have a dry wedding; I've been to two, was not informed beforehand that they would be dry, and had a wonderful time (except for the hour and a half gap between the ceremony and reception of one of them. That was torture! Just an FYI)"
Myself: "I think hiding alcohol for only certain people is rude. I think the set up is a bit unreasonable. I think having a gap will encourage drinking, because people might go to a bar. Having a dry wedding is fine, and your guests should not be disappointed. "
----------------------
Please tell me, @biggrouch, how this isn't answering her questions? She talked about a gap, among other things, and then asked "Am I being rude?" Silly us, when she asked if she was being rude, we thought she wanted to know whether what she talked about in her post was rude. How stupid of us to take what her post said at face value.
Re: Dry destination Wedding
the only time i see it exceptable is when the venue is a drive aways from the ceremony and you would need that time to drive to the reception
ex ceremony starts at 5 ends at 6 reception is at 7 and the reception venue is at least 45 minutes away that gives you enough time to get to the venue and have 15 minutes to spare this is on a good day with no traffic
But I'm not sitting around all dressed up with nowhere to go for any amount of time longer than driving from ceremony to reception site and that should not take more than 30 minutes.
And I don't need anyone other than DH to plan my vacations for me.
All special snowflakes think this.
I would feel like I was not as special of a person to be in on the secret.
And sangria is my favorite alcoholic drink of all time.
Dry weddings are fine, treating some of your guests more special than the others with what you offer is not.
If I HAD to be at a wedding with a gap (which I probably wouldn't be), I'd take my Kindle, find a McD's or Starbucks, settle in, and come here to gripe about how I'm stuck somewhere I don't want to be waiting on someone who doesn't have respect for my time or manners.
Lose the gap.
If you want a dry wedding, have a dry wedding. Any nonalcoholic beverages are perfectly fine to serve your guests. Do not have a secret stash or let people bring flasks. If it's dry, OWN IT. Or serve your secret stash to everyone. Anything else is rude.
While I agree that gaps are rude, the attitude towards rudeness is subjective. It is perfectly fine not to feel offended by something that is rude. It does not mean one lacks understanding, it just means that one has a different attitude towards it. For example, I do know that gaps are rude, but I do not view it as something bad that was done to me. And that's ok. The point of etiquette is to avoid offending those people that might find breaches of etiquette offensive. It doesn't mean that all people are offended by all things that breach etiquette.
I would not encourage people to bring their own drinks. If your religious family finds out, they will be hurt. If people who didn't know find out, they will be upset that they weren't able to bring any. And a half-sober, half-drunk crowd is going to be an awkward mixture. Own your decision and move forward with it.
When DH's father was re-married 20 years ago, we gave an antique cut glass bowl. The gift was refused. We were very embarrassed. It seems that the bride and groom had requested "no gifts". We were not told this. Since then, they have not hesitated to ask us for money, and our lawyers are currently in negotiation with them over a trust fund.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
It's completely OK to have a dry wedding; I've been to two, was not informed beforehand that they would be dry, and had a wonderful time (except for the hour and a half gap between the ceremony and reception of one of them. That was torture! Just an FYI)
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I agree that the gap needs to be hosted, if the ceremony can't be pushed back and the reception can't be pushed up. Some of the PP posted some neat ideas. Do keep in mind though that if you did something like a scavenger hunt, nature walk, etc that not all guests would be able to take advantage of that, even if money wasn't an issue. Energy, mobility and attire must also be considered. Best of luck!