Baby's First Snark

Inkdancer · May 2014

I'm pretty sure I was born sarcastic.

Third birthday. I didn't want to have my hair brushed. I ran from my mom and refused to let her anywhere near me.

My mother, exasperated: "Sit down, you look like a heathen!"
Me, eyeballing her pajamas: "Well, you don't exactly look like a bowl of fruit yourself."

What's the first time you remember being snarky?

luckysnorkel · May 2014

One night, at the age of 3, I woke up from a bad dream and was crying for my parents. My mom, who was usually the one who ended up dealing with these situations, told my dad it was his turn.

He walked in my room. I stopped crying, looked at him and said, "I wanted someone in here WITHOUT a mustache."

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

When I was about 4, I misbehaved (nobody remembers in what way, probably back-talking) and my mom sent me to my room. I stomped halfway up the stairs, turned around defiantly, and yelled "I'm going because I WANT TO, NOT because you told me to!"

ohannabelle · May 2014

You know, I really can't remember my own, but when Miss Adorable Daughter was about two and a half, she decided to add "pissed off," to her vocabulary. (Most people would assume she was imitating her foul mother. Well.) It only lasted about a week or two.

But when she said it, about whatever it was she didn't approve of, it was like this: (extend tiny hand out in a firm stop motion). "I'm sorry, that pith mine off."

Broccoli. The pants she didn't like. Rain. Bedtime. Me. "I'm sorry, you pith mine off."

God, it killed me. And I didn't dare laugh and encourage her, but so frikking cute with that sweet little face and those huge dark eyes, and beautiful angel ringlets, and the sweetest polite tone. She was just pithed off.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

[My parents referred to me a 'bebe' when I was an infant/toddler.]

One night, when I was about 10 months old, I was in my crib crying. My father came in and I looked him square in the eye and said, 'Bebe want Mommy. Bebe no want you.'

Apparently, I wanted to nurse, and obvs that was a mommy-only activity, but that was also my first complete sentence.

It was followed a few days later by a very solemn query at the breakfast table, 'Mommy, where's the damn cat?'

So not only did I start speaking in bascially complete sentences, I started speaking in snarky complete sentences.

PrincessOfHavoc · May 2014

My dear, dear father did not get that toddlers hear everything and then cheerfully repeat it.

As my mother learned when an obnoxious 35 month old wanted nothing to do with bed time. I promptly told her I wasn't listening to a fucking piece of shit she said. In front of my dear Granny. Who promptly fell over laughing. Sorry about that Mom.

Hey, at least I came by my cussing the traditional way - learned it from my parents.

hellohkb · May 2014

My grandma won't let me forget this one- Apparently one time she was telling me I needed to listen to my parents, to behave, etc. which I guess I didn't like, because I promptly told her "Grandma, I think it's time for you to go home".

JCbride2015 · May 2014

I don't think it was the first, but maybe the best. My parents told me they were getting a divorce when I was 11 or 12.

The next day I told my mom, "It'll be okay, Mom. When you're old and alone, I'll pay for your facelift."

Inkdancer · May 2014

I love all of you.

ejpentecost · May 2014

I'm not terribly snarky myself, but my daughter is. She was the most angelic looking little girl with huge blue eyes and golden curls like Cindy Brady. She had a MOUTH on her though, and it always surprised people.

Once when she was four my mom was trying to make her feel bad for being mean to her little sister and she was giving her some story about giving the baby away. My daughter looked her square in the eye and said, "Sarah. That is BULLSHIT."

Another time when she was about three we were in the mall and she started to giggle. An old lady smiled at her and cooed over how pretty she was and asked her what was so funny. My little girl said, "I farted and it came out my vagina."

I have other children and I love them all dearly, but there's just something special about that one. LOL

melbenso · May 2014

When I was about 15 months old, my parents took me to see a Christmas light display that was a pretty popular local holiday destination. They are walking down the street, with me in my little yellow snow suit perched atop my father's shoulders, when I suddenly decide to shout at the top of my lungs "What in the hell are all these damn people doing here!?" The tale is still told each Christmas.

Not my snark, but also amusing: When I was about 8, I learned the meaning of the phrase "yours truly" and used it rather frequently. My little brother didn't know what it meant. I was talking to my mom about something in the kitchen and referred to myself as "yours truly." My 6-year-old brother walks in and says "Oh yeah, will Yours Truly is an idiot!" I agreed and my mom couldn't stop laughing.

ScoutF · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

[My parents referred to me a 'bebe' when I was an infant/toddler.]

One night, when I was about 10 months old, I was in my crib crying. My father came in and I looked him square in the eye and said, 'Bebe want Mommy. Bebe no want you.'

Apparently, I wanted to nurse, and obvs that was a mommy-only activity, but that was also my first complete sentence.

It was followed a few days later by a very solemn query at the breakfast table, 'Mommy, where's the damn cat?'

So not only did I start speaking in bascially complete sentences, I started speaking in snarky complete sentences.

I can't be the only one that thinks this is total BS. Ten month old babies don't speak complete sentences. Many two year olds don't do that.

TheGrimReaper · May 2014

I called my brother a fucking asshole when I was about 4. Does that count?

rajahmd · May 2014

I called my dad and his coworker pathetic when I was like 8 because they were goofing off at his office one day.

But that wasn't snarky- that was just bitchy.

doeydo · May 2014

ScoutF said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

[My parents referred to me a 'bebe' when I was an infant/toddler.]

One night, when I was about 10 months old, I was in my crib crying. My father came in and I looked him square in the eye and said, 'Bebe want Mommy. Bebe no want you.'

Apparently, I wanted to nurse, and obvs that was a mommy-only activity, but that was also my first complete sentence.

It was followed a few days later by a very solemn query at the breakfast table, 'Mommy, where's the damn cat?'

So not only did I start speaking in bascially complete sentences, I started speaking in snarky complete sentences.

I can't be the only one that thinks this is total BS. Ten month old babies don't speak complete sentences. Many two year olds don't do that.

Maybe her parents 'heard' her say things? Like when Rachel and Ross heard Emma say her first word.

afox007 · May 2014

When we first moved out of my grandmas house when I was 5 I was horrified to find out I had to clean my own room. After my mom shit the door and said I couldn't come out until I was done I laid down and kicked the door as hard as I could taking if off the hinges.

My only reply was "now I can leave and you have to see my mess".

ejpentecost · May 2014

One of my daughters could speak in full sentences at 10 months. Two of them didn't do anything but grunt till they were two. The other ones were average.

grumbledore · May 2014

ScoutF said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

[My parents referred to me a 'bebe' when I was an infant/toddler.]

One night, when I was about 10 months old, I was in my crib crying. My father came in and I looked him square in the eye and said, 'Bebe want Mommy. Bebe no want you.'

Apparently, I wanted to nurse, and obvs that was a mommy-only activity, but that was also my first complete sentence.

It was followed a few days later by a very solemn query at the breakfast table, 'Mommy, where's the damn cat?'

So not only did I start speaking in bascially complete sentences, I started speaking in snarky complete sentences.

I can't be the only one that thinks this is total BS. Ten month old babies don't speak complete sentences. Many two year olds don't do that.

My DD was speaking in complete sentences at about a year, as apparently did I.

singinchick13 · May 2014

My favourite one was always "you're not the boss of me!" when I didn't want to do something. Gave it to my babysitters, my stepmom, and even my siblings, in addition to both parents. To this day that is still whole-heartedly my mentality.

rsfan23 · May 2014

I'm having a hard time believing the posters who said they were talking in complete sentences at an early age, or who had children speaking in complete sentences, and I'm a parent too. By sentences do you mean something like 'pick up' or do you mean something like 'May I have some more milk please?' If it's the first, then I understand more than the second.

ScoutF · May 2014

rsfan23 said:

I'm having a hard time believing the posters who said they were talking in complete sentences at an early age, or who had children speaking in complete sentences, and I'm a parent too. By sentences do you mean something like 'pick up' or do you mean something like 'May I have some more milk please?' If it's the first, then I understand more than the second.

This exactly. I highly doubt a ten month old has the comprehension skills to speak the sentences below.

HisGirlFriday13 said:

My father came in and I looked him square in the eye and said, 'Bebe want Mommy. Bebe no want you.'

Apparently, I wanted to nurse, and obvs that was a mommy-only activity, but that was also my first complete sentence.

It was followed a few days later by a very solemn query at the breakfast table, 'Mommy, where's the damn cat?'

So not only did I start speaking in bascially complete sentences, I started speaking in snarky complete sentences.

melbenso · May 2014

ScoutF said:

I can't be the only one that thinks this is total BS. Ten month old babies don't speak complete sentences. Many two year olds don't do that.

Stuck in the box.

My first words were at 7 months, and were a complete sentence. A short one: "What's that?" ("Uzz at?") But a complete sentence. My mom was trying to teach me the names of things and would say "What's that? That's a ____." I picked up the question rather than the answer and would point at random things and ask what they were.

ohannabelle · May 2014

ScoutF said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

[My parents referred to me a 'bebe' when I was an infant/toddler.]

One night, when I was about 10 months old, I was in my crib crying. My father came in and I looked him square in the eye and said, 'Bebe want Mommy. Bebe no want you.'

Apparently, I wanted to nurse, and obvs that was a mommy-only activity, but that was also my first complete sentence.

It was followed a few days later by a very solemn query at the breakfast table, 'Mommy, where's the damn cat?'

So not only did I start speaking in bascially complete sentences, I started speaking in snarky complete sentences.

I can't be the only one that thinks this is total BS. Ten month old babies don't speak complete sentences. Many two year olds don't do that.

Unusual, hell yes, but not impossible. My oldest boy first spoke at that age, almost 11 months old, suddenly and without any warning. I walked into his room, looked into his crib, and he said clearly and without any doubt, "Hi, mom!" I'll admit that I was so startled that I jumped backwards, dropped my coffee, and scared him.

And it wasn't a fluke of noises. By the end of the week, he had added Dad, light, please, and I want that. He was reading independently by 2, with no instruction other than being read to, and writing fully constructed stories by four.

He possessed an almost photographic memory for words and spelling and grammar, and when they tested his reading ability on entering kindergarten, he was able to read all (not some, but every single one) of the basic vocabulary words up to a seventh grade level, which was as high as they tested that day. By age twelve, he could easily read college level material. Preferred comic books, but could.

It was as if he was just born with a super heightened ability and gift for language. When the other first graders were writing Christmas stories that went "we hav a tree. I luv mi gramdma," he wrote a 10 page well constructed fully plotted story about mice who were unemployed actors, living in an abandoned theater in New York, disguising themselves as elves (from old costume trunks) and stealing toys from FAO Shwarz to help out Santa, who had been kidnapped by a gang of street tough Mafioso type rats. (Six years old. Six. He had been to New York exactly once.) I have read adult, published writing for children that is less sophisticated.

I could give you a thousand more examples of his seemingly impossible gift through the years, but won't brag or bore you. Just to verify that this is not impossible.

Is it all really frikking unusual? You bet. Why did he possess crazy fabulous language skills? Who knows? Both of my younger children developed at more or less average rates. Bright kids, certainly, intelligent kids, but not what the hell is this kid doing amazing did you hear this you have to see this stuff, like their brother.

It happens. Why is unknown. Mozart was able to compose complete symphonies at four, and that is undisputed documented fact. Some rare children possess almost frightening advanced skills and thinking processes. Why should HisGirl not have been one of them?

(Apologies for verbosity)

JCbride2015 · May 2014

Yeah, sentences at 10 months are unusual but not impossible. I didn't speak until close to a year old, but apparently I was using complete sentences pretty quickly after I started saying anything at all.

My dad taught me to read starting at age 2, and by 3 I was reading independently. By the time I entered kindergarten, I was reading chapter books from the middle-school rooms.

This all came back to bite me in the ass later in life as an English teacher. When you learn things that early, you don't remember how you learned it, and it's much harder to teach somebody else how to do it.

Inkdancer · May 2014

JCbride2015 said:

Yeah, sentences at 10 months are unusual but not impossible. I didn't speak until close to a year old, but apparently I was using complete sentences pretty quickly after I started saying anything at all.

My dad taught me to read starting at age 2, and by 3 I was reading independently. By the time I entered kindergarten, I was reading chapter books from the middle-school rooms.

This all came back to bite me in the ass later in life as an English teacher. When you learn things that early, you don't remember how you learned it, and it's much harder to teach somebody else how to do it.

Are you me?

I started writing stories when I was in kindergarten, because I ran out of books to read so I wanted to write my own. In college, I taught a Creative Writing class and had a hell of a time helping my students structure stories, because it just felt natural to me. Half the time, the best reason I could come up with for why something was wrong was simply "it feels like it could be better." (I, of course, found nicer ways to say it.)

ScoutF · May 2014

@ohannabelle @melbenso I'm not arguing about ten months old speaking short, complete sentences. I'm just calling BS on a ten month old asking her mommy where the damn cat is.

Inkdancer · May 2014

ScoutF said:

@ohannabelle @melbenso I'm not arguing about ten months old speaking short, complete sentences. I'm just calling BS on a ten month old asking her mommy where the damn cat is.

See, I can totally buy it. Kids parrot their parents. If Mom or Dad says "honey, where's the damn ___?" all the time, baby will probably say it too.

My childhood bestie yelled "fuck you" at a lady who was rude to her in a store, at the tender age of two. Mommy and Daddy had a talk later about that one.

ohannabelle · May 2014

ScoutF said:

@ohannabelle @melbenso I'm not arguing about ten months old speaking short, complete sentences. I'm just calling BS on a ten month old asking her mommy where the damn cat is.

I think a baby could repeat a four word sentence. Again, frikking unusual, but impossible?

I'm a little (a lot) prickly about calling BS on people. It simply isn't fair. My son read a story aloud once, at a school function, and one mom within earshot said to another, "Well, somebody's Mom helped with homework. No second grader could do that. That was adult writing." And the people around her nodded. They all agreed. They were genuinely offended by the imagined deception. They sneered at me and were contemptuous of my child. (Maybe I would have, too, had I not known him. I hope not.)

She was absolutely certain, without a single doubt, that this was an absolutely impossible thing. Sure, his teachers knew better, and I knew better.

But I think it's very bad form to call someone a liar, without considering that they might be the .0000001% exception.

(Promise I'll drop it now. I talk too much, HisGirl doesn't need a defender of character, and I am successfully trying to avoid sewing. I never ever ever want to see a tulle underskirt again. Ever. It is bulky flyaway get caught in the machine parts stuff. I am bored with it. Back to work.)

ScoutF · May 2014

@inkdancer I absolutely agree with you on this. Kids do mirror their parents. But I still think it's very unlikely that a ten month old started talking in complete sentences like what HGF said. Probably not impossible, but highly, highly unlikely.

@ohannabelle I never said it was impossible. But I'm still calling BS on this.

emmaaa · May 2014

When I was about one and a half, my family was at my aunt's pool for my older brother's baseball team's pool party (he is seven years older than I am). Well, they were all swimming and jumping off the diving board. I looked at my mom and said, "I know how to swim too!" because she wouldn't let me in the deep end.

After consistent arguing that I did know how to swim, she let me jump in the deep part. I sunk (she was right beside me in the pool). So she swam down and got me, pulled me out of the pool. I looked at her and said, "See, I told you I could swim!" I didn't like to be wrong even then.

Baby's First Snark

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