Bridal Shower Etiquette Problems

perdonami · May 2014

So I kind of got into it with my bridesmaid the other day.. She accused me of being a bridezilla after I said money dances and partial cash bars are rude to guests. I tried to explain that its rude to expect guests to host themselves, that the reception was a thank you to everyone who came out to support us. She then asked whats wrong with people helping to support your wedding? She then proceeds to compare my wedding to a charity event she participates in yearly.. I got kind of annoyed and said I am not a charity case and will not charge folks at the door to come and eat dinner..

She says that just having the wedding is about getting gifts and guests spending money so whats the difference if people hand you gifts or hand you money? I say no one is required to purchase a gift and I hope you are coming to support me by standing with me as I get married.. She says its rude to not get a gift.. I said not everyone can afford to get me a gift, or pay for hard liquor, or pay for their meal.

Her next point was why are you having a bridal shower then? I couldn't give her a straight answer, especially after she asked me about what we are expecting for the guests to bring as gifts.. I said well we were planning on just saying where we were registered. My aunt (and me too as I went along with it) were hoping that the co-ed bridal shower would be an opportunity for guests who wish to provide us with a wedding gift to bring it there. In hindsight, I see this was stupid and rude.. What is the proper way to answer a guest's question of what gift to bring to a co-ed bridal shower? And I never attended a bridal shower before.. so I don't know how they work. I am beginning to think that I should cancel it as this co-ed bridal shower is coming off as a gift grab.. I promise I didn't really mean for that to happen.. Luckily my bridesmaid is the only person I have discussed the bridal shower with.

manateehugger · May 2014

Why does she think it's rude to not have your guests pay for your wedding? That makes absolutely no sense. Either way, just stop talking to her about this since she clearly makes no sense, and you'll get no where except frustrated.

I'm also confused about your question. So your aunt is hosting a joint shower for you and your FI? It should be your aunt hosting, not you BTW. You host your wedding to celebrate with your guests and to thank them for attending your ceremony (which is why you don't expect gifts and why you don't ask people to pay for their drinks). You don't host your own bridal shower, because that is gift-grabby. But the offer of a shower is a gift itself, so it's perfectly fine to accept if you'd like.

And you're wondering what to say to guests when they ask what you'd like for the shower? It's acceptable to list registry information on a shower invitation since the whole point of a shower is to shower the bride/couple with gifts. Invitees, of course, are welcome to decline and not give you a gift.

So yes, if a shower guest asks what you'd like, the appropriate response would be something like, "Thanks for thinking of us! I'm excited you can come. We are registered at ___________."

Couple's Showers are no more gift-grabby than your standard bridal shower as long as the individual(s) being honored are not the hosts.

perdonami · May 2014

My aunt offered to host a co-ed bridal shower, she liked the idea of involving her nephews and fiance. Everything is being hosted for the guests by my aunt who genuinely likes to throw parties.

Is it required that a guest bring a gift if they attend? What kind of gifts are appropriate to bring to a co-ed bridal shower?

manateehugger · May 2014

perdonami said:

My aunt offered to host a co-ed bridal shower, she liked the idea of involving her nephews and fiance. Everything is being hosted for the guests by my aunt who genuinely likes to throw parties.

Is it required that a guest bring a gift if they attend? What kind of gifts are appropriate to bring to a co-ed bridal shower?

Oh. You're fine then, and this bridesmaid is ridiculous. Seriously, don't chat with her about it anymore.

I wouldn't say it's 100% required, but to show up to a shower without a gift would be incredibly strange. Again, the whole point to a shower is to shower the bride/couple with gifts to help them furnish their home. If I do not plan on giving a gift, I decline a shower invite (unless I'm a bridesmaid given a courtesy invite). The whole point to a wedding is to celebrate a new marriage, not to give a gift.

There really wont be a difference in the gifts brought to a bridal shower than to a co-ed shower. Presumably, you've registered for things that will help you furnish your home - sheets, towels, glassware, servingware, tools, small decor items, etc. Your guests will purchase off your registries, and some may devise their own off-registry gifts.

perdonami · May 2014

PDKH Thank you for your quick response! You're response beat (and answered) my follow-up question.

My bridesmaid said it was rude to put registry information on the bridal shower invitation.. I needed to make sure it wasn't rude.

CMGragain · May 2014

It is rude to put registry information on a WEDDING invitation, but not on a shower invitation. The purpose of a shower is to shower the honoree with gifts.

Inkdancer · May 2014

Your bridesmaid has this all exactly backwards. Stop talking to her about wedding stuff, or it will just make you unnecessarily stressed out.

phira · May 2014

Definitely stop talking to her about wedding stuff, beyond the basics necessary for her to show up in the right outfit.

As for your discomfort with figuring out the purpose of a shower when people aren't obligated to give you gifts, here are some thoughts:

- You're not throwing your own shower. I've been surprised at how many people have volunteered (repeatedly) to throw me a shower, even after I've (repeatedly) declined. In a lot of cases, as I'm sure a lot of folks here can attest to, the shower is often something the host wants more than the guest of honor (bride/brides/groom/grooms/couple). So "shower" does not automatically mean "couple is gift-grabby!" It can mean, "Bride's grandmother is insistent on throwing a shower."

- It is true that it's at best awkward to show up to a shower without a gift, since the point of a shower is to shower someone with gifts. But an invitation is not a subpoena. If someone truly does not want to get you a gift, or can't afford to give you a gift, they CAN attend without one, or they can opt out. No harm done.

- It was hard for me to reconcile having a registry with the mindset that gifts should not be expected. The best perspective for me is that we're going to have a lot of people asking us what we'd like as a gift, and home goods are going to be the most likely non-cash gift. It's exhausting to give each individual person an answer to the "What would you like?" question. And it's a waste of everyone's time and money to get us duplicate gifts (e.g. three sets of salad tongs), gifts that aren't to our taste (e.g. orange bath towels), or gifts we can't use (e.g. a down comforter). A registry isn't a list of gifts people MUST get you; it's not a price of admission. It's just a convenient way of making sure that every gift is a wanted gift.

JellyBean52513 · May 2014

Your bridesmaid sounds just like my SO did at one point; he kept insisting that the people attending a wedding are supposed to be supporting the couple, so why should the couple have to pay for everyone to attend. I got great advice from the ladies here on how to reframe the situation for him so that he'd understand (he does now!) but I think you're better off not even wasting your breath with your BM

gladyscf · May 2014

Maybe you shouldn't stop talking to her about all of this. You may just save her from herself if she gets married in the future!

grumbledore · May 2014

perdonami said:

PDKH Thank you for your quick response! You're response beat (and answered) my follow-up question.

My bridesmaid said it was rude to put registry information on the bridal shower invitation.. I needed to make sure it wasn't rude.

She has everything totally backwards. It's not okay to put gift registry info on a WEDDING invite, along with the other things you already stated were rude (cash bar, money dance). It is normal to put it on a SHOWER invite since a shower if a gift-giving event.

countrygirl061513 · May 2014

Totally not thread related but @grumbledore I love the quote in your signature. That is one of my favorite movies, more the version with Lucille Ball than the newer one, but both are still good.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

countrygirl061513 said:

Totally not thread related but @grumbledore I love the quote in your signature. That is one of my favorite movies, more the version with Lucille Ball than the newer one, but both are still good.

Me too! I saw the Lucille Ball version one day when I was home sick or something (it was on during the day), I loved it so much more then the newer one (which I still like). And I love that quote!

perdonami · May 2014

mrsstatic2b I think you may be right, as we were talking about her current relationship with FI's brother and it appears as though there may be a wedding on the horizon. I wouldn't be surprised if it turned into a DW with a cash bar and money dance. She told me she plans on doing a money dance for at least two songs at her wedding.

Jen4948 · May 2014

I'd tell your bridesmaid that the plans are yours to make but not hers to criticize, and that you aren't willing to hear any more criticisms from her.

perdonami · May 2014

Well, I won't be discussing reception details anymore as we are clearly on different pages. She did get me thinking that I may be acting rudely toward my guests by placing registry information on the bridal shower invite.

Glad I came here though, I appreciate the responses.

Bridal Shower Etiquette Problems

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