Wedding Etiquette Forum

I'm thinking "Has he ever been to a wedding before?" *UPDATE

Angeles61Angeles61 member
First Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment 5 Love Its
edited May 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Story...
So, after reading on these forums non-stop for the last 18 months - I sent out my invitations with "_ out of _ attending" (Basically because we are not inviting kids and wanted to avoid random add-ons.) 

My 30-something brother texted me yesterday.
Brother - "Hey, did you get my RSVP?"
Me - "Yeah, I did."
Brother - "Yeah, I'm bringing my friend. Do you have any hot single friends?"
Me - "Wait.. I thought you were bringing your girlfriend, what happened?"
Brother - "No, she's coming. I RSVPd for 3."

(At this point I had received verbal RSVPs from him since he was late returning his, I didn't look at it much once it arrived.)
So he responded "3 out of 2 attending".

Me - "Oh.. the invitation was for you and girlfriend. I can't accommodate any extra guests."
Brother - "Seriously? Oh okay, I will tell him.. he was excited though. He would've been the life of the party. The girls would've loved him."
Me - "Yeah, sorry."

Later that night..
Brother - "Can he at least come to the reception? He doesn't need to go to the wedding."
Then my MOM texts me and tells him his girlfriend had been texting her asking if this same friend can come. My mom isn't even hosting, but good thing I already told her how dumb he was being. His girlfriend basically asked the same thing my brother asked and my mom told her I already said no. His girlfriend said "Oh, she said no to the wedding not the reception"

What in the actual fuck? Am I only completely blown away by this because I have been planning and paying and basically studying etiquette for this wedding? Or is this really that hard to understand for some people? It's a wedding. It's not a backyard BBQ.. even then I wouldn't invite random people with me to a friend's BBQ.




*UPDATE*
Okay, now I'm even more angry. I'm sure no one really cares but I have to vent since no one gets it, except my FI.
After I was blunt, said no, I thought it was done. He texted me late last night and says "I don't have any money right now, it would really help if my friend came so we could split the cost. He has a date who lives in *City two 1/2 hours out of the way from the venue/where he would be traveling from*. Dad said you had cancels so I didn't think it would matter anymore." (I'm going to kill my dad, by the way.) 
I am extra angry because my brother has no real job, is a grown man who lives with his mom, and the only reason he was even talking to my dad in the first place is because he was asking to "borrow" money. My dad is too nice to say no, even though he's loaned thousands and never been given a cent back. Then they are picking up his friend's date, which makes the trip 7 hours instead of 3 1/2, so spending more money anyway. 
I'm confused because in our last conversation, it was clear his friend was not invited and my brother understood. So how, from that conversation to the message he sent me last night, does his friend have a DATE? He's not invited! 

At this point, I do actually have extra seats. My custom drawn seating chart is done, and can't be changed. I COULD allow these two random people to come and indulge in free food and alcohol. (They love alcohol. That's all they spend their lives doing.)
But I feel like, I've said no three times, he's being an asshole, and it's the principle. I don't know how I feel about these random party animals at my wedding with my closest family and friends.

Am I totally wrong? What would you do at this point? Die on the hill?
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Re: I'm thinking "Has he ever been to a wedding before?" *UPDATE

  • phiraphira member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    There aren't exactly any more ways you can slice this. Rando friend is not invited. The end.

    Also ... wedding = ceremony + reception. "He wouldn't come to the wedding, just the reception" makes no sense.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
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  • Haha @phira I was laughing at the same thing. I know it's just me being technical but.. You're right, you rando friend doesn't need to come to the wedding. Wedding = reception.
  • edited May 2014
    I'd be tempted to say, 'He can come but your GF can't. Your invite was for two people.'

    But that's rude, so no. Also, why did he get your MOM involved in this??!

    ETF words
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • One of my daughter's clueless friends actually RSVPed with SEVEN extra guests!  We were flexible, but not THAT flexible!  He phoned and apologized.
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  • I'd be tempted to say, 'He can come but your GF can't. Your invite was for two people.' But that's rude, so no. Also, why did he get your MOM involved in this??! ETF words
    My guess is probably so that he could have the, "But mom said I could!!!!!" leverage.
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

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  • beethery said:
    I'd be tempted to say, 'He can come but your GF can't. Your invite was for two people.' But that's rude, so no. Also, why did he get your MOM involved in this??! ETF words
    My guess is probably so that he could have the, "But mom said I could!!!!!" leverage.
    That is so manipulative and I would be beyond ticked.

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  • Brothers, man. Although the nice thing about family is that you can be as blunt as you need to be without worrying that you'll completely destroy the relationship. I like @Jen4948's wording very much.
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    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • I just can't get past the fact that he put 3 out of 2 will be attending.  That doesn't even mathematically make sense!

    I'm sorry your Brother is being dense.  And I am even more sorry your Brother's GF doesn't know how to stay the hell out of it.

  • Dumb. Just dumb. 
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  • I had a cousin do something similar. His parents and him were all invited but unfortunately his parents can't make it out. He Facebook messaged me that he is planning to attend but wanted to know if his friend could come in his parents' place since they couldn't come. His reasoning was that his friend just moved out to CO and doesn't know many people...I about lost it. 

    One, I don't know this person so he is most definitely not welcome at my wedding. And our wedding is not some college party and a place where he would meet any people for him to "hang with". The majority of our guest list is over 30-40 years old!

    Some people just don't get it
  • Doesn't it make you feel good that he doesn't care about coming to the ceremony, and just wants to come to the reception?!  Ugh, some people....
  • catlady14catlady14 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    beethery said:
    I'd be tempted to say, 'He can come but your GF can't. Your invite was for two people.' But that's rude, so no. Also, why did he get your MOM involved in this??! ETF words
    My guess is probably so that he could have the, "But mom said I could!!!!!" leverage.
    We have been dealing with something similar to this recently. We invited all SOs and gave +1s to OOT and WP but now people are contacting my FMIL asking if they can bring extra people. It seems about three people have already asked if they could have friends come after the ceremony just to check out what a wedding is like and to join in the party. Luckily, my FMIL shuts it down quickly.

    The most annoying part is that everyone is asking her for permission when my FI and I are the ones paying for and hosting this event. No one seems to think it appropriate to ask us directly. Sigh...



    Edit: spelling
  • @catlady14 I'm very happy to hear your FMIL isn't falling for that... tomfoolery. I would lose my fucking mind.
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

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  • catlady14 said:


    beethery said:



    I'd be tempted to say, 'He can come but your GF can't. Your invite was for two people.'

    But that's rude, so no. Also, why did he get your MOM involved in this??!

    ETF words

    My guess is probably so that he could have the, "But mom said I could!!!!!" leverage.

    We have been dealing with something similar to this recently. We invited all SOs and gave +1s to OOT and WP but now people are contacting my FMIL asking if they can bring extra people. It seems about three people have already asked if they could have friends come after the ceremony just to check out what a wedding is like and to join in the party. Luckily, my FMIL shuts it down quickly.

    The most annoying part is that everyone is asking her for permission when my FI and I are the ones paying for and hosting this event. No one seems to think it appropriate to ask us directly. Sigh...



    Edit: spelling


    I think people ask the parents rather than the couple hoping for a different response. I think they figure that the parents mig br be caught flat-footed and say 'yes,' and then the couple will be too embarrassed to say 'no.'

    DH's grandmother's SIL asked BSC granny if she could bring a 'friend' to the wedding.

    Granny said yes. I flipped my shit. This 'friend' is her handyman and apparently she has the hots for him but doesn't want to tell him that. She thought our wedding was the perfect first date.

    DH handled it and then told granny in no uncertain terms how out of line she was. She's still mad at me.
    Anniversary

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    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • We are very lucky that my FMIL understands our desire to keep our wedding small and the cost that it is for people to just "bring someone else along".

    These boards have made me very thankful that I have learned the proper etiquette for hosting, so I know the rudeness lies with them and not me.
  • I'd be tempted to say, 'He can come but your GF can't. Your invite was for two people.' But that's rude, so no. Also, why did he get your MOM involved in this??! ETF words
    I have no idea. He's my half brother, we don't even have the same mom and his girlfriend texted her, which I thought was even weirder. Anyway, they are idiots. I told my brother no, again. He said "Is it because of seating or whatever?" .... Yes... and he wasn't invited.
  • beetherybeethery member
    First Comment First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited May 2014
    Angeles61 said:
    I'd be tempted to say, 'He can come but your GF can't. Your invite was for two people.' But that's rude, so no. Also, why did he get your MOM involved in this??! ETF words
    I have no idea. He's my half brother, we don't even have the same mom and his girlfriend texted her, which I thought was even weirder. Anyway, they are idiots. I told my brother no, again. He said "Is it because of seating or whatever?" .... Yes... and he wasn't invited.
    Yup, no seats for his stupid ass >:[
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

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  • I'm really glad it's not just me. I knew you ladies would understand :)
  • Your brother is in his 30s???? For crying out loud. I expect that out of a teenager but someone in their 30s should have some damn shame and/or etiquette awareness!
  • Update! Help a sister out...
  • Don't text.  CALL your brother. Tell him you don't care what your dad said about the declines, you are not inviting anyone other than him and his gf.  Tell him the wedding is being hosted by you and FI, so no matter what your parents say, the final say is yours and FI's alone.  Then tell him this is the end of the story and you will NOT be accommodating his friends.

    Call his bluff if he says he can't make the wedding otherwise.  Tell him he will be missed.  
  • Die on that hill. "Brother, I really hope you and GF can come up with the money to attend, just the two of you. Otherwise, we'll miss you both and catch up with you soon." He's being a douche.

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  • Die on the hill.  You didn't invite these people in the first place -- your half-bro is turning your wedding into his own private party by inviting not 1 but 2 random people.  You put your foot down - keep it there or else all his deadbeat friends will crash. 
  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited May 2014
    I agree to die on this hill. He is pushing and pushing and trying to force you into inviting accommodating these extra people. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Yep, die on that hill.  Your brother is totally out of line.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

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