Honeymoon registries

CarolinaKC · May 2014

I've seen a lot of people seriously ragging on honeymoon registries, and the common thinking seems to be that they are extremely tacky and rude. I can't understand why. What difference does it make if they register for a set of wine glasses or a bath mat or tickets to a play or scuba diving lessons? I get that some registries are just general cash registries, which I agree is going too far, but if you're asking for events or activities that the couple will enjoy together, what's wrong with that? In a lot of cases I'd rather buy people a life experience that I know they will remember and appreciate than flood them with more material possessions.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

Because wedding gifts originated as a way to set the couple up for life together with things they'll need. Nobody needs a honeymoon. You could be asking people who've never been on a vacation to fund yours, and I find that horribly ungrateful. Cash is equally helpful in setting up a home - you could use it toward your mortgage, or a vacation. At that point it's up to you. But to say "I don't need measuring cups, but I need to go to Fiji" makes me want to give you nothing.

APDSS22 · May 2014

A traditional registry gives your guests clues to what your home will look like, if they care to look up your registry in the first place, indicating they want to buy you something. They want to give you towels, your house's color scheme means you would like red or black towels, thus do your guests now know which towels they can buy you to help you build your home.

Most honeymoon registries do not give the couple the experiences listed, but a check, minus the site's fees for "hosting" this registry. Most people know cash/checks are good to give for wedding gifts. It's one size fits all so there's no need to register for specific amounts of money. If the registry does run through a travel agent or some such and actually will book the experience, a honeymoon is a vacation, usually booked in advance of the wedding by the wedding couple. It is not necessary to make a marriage legal or help build the home of the couple.

If a wedding guest buys you towels off your traditional registry, you get towels in the color you would like to match your color scheme to use in your home for as long as they last. A registry traditionally helps a couple build their new home, paying for a dolphin ride on your honeymoon doesn't really help you build a home together.

chibiyui · May 2014

CarolinaKC said:

I've seen a lot of people seriously ragging on honeymoon registries, and the common thinking seems to be that they are extremely tacky and rude. I can't understand why. What difference does it make if they register for a set of wine glasses or a bath mat or tickets to a play or scuba diving lessons? I get that some registries are just general cash registries, which I agree is going too far, but if you're asking for events or activities that the couple will enjoy together, what's wrong with that? In a lot of cases I'd rather buy people a life experience that I know they will remember and appreciate than flood them with more material possessions.

JCbride2015 · May 2014

OK, I'll humor this question with a genuine response.

A traditional registry serves the purpose of reducing duplicate gifts, and if a guest chooses to buy you a gift, they know things like your color preference and china pattern so their gift will coordinate with the rest of the stuff in your house. You aren't so much asking people for things, as providing guidance if they so choose. Furthermore, the registry is not to be included on wedding invites. Only if the guest asks about the registry is this information to be given.

A honeymoon registry doesn't actually give the couple an experience. They will send cash minus roughly a 7% fee. So it doesn't serve any purpose other than to request cash. It comes across as very grabby.

That's on top of issues PPs brought up: I have never had a luxury vacation in my life. We could never afford it. I feel pretty shitty when I'm asked to contribute to the luxury vacations of others, before I've ever been able to have that experience. A traditional registry has a range of items in multiple price points (at least it should), whereas a HM registry just asks for cash to fund an extravagant vacay.

One more personal anecdote if it will help. A friend had a HM registry for her wedding about 2.5 years ago. I had never heard of it and thought it was a great idea-- they already live together! I want to give them an experience they will remember forever! I bought them a "Volcano spelunking excursion" for their HM, spending a little more than I would have on a traditional registry because I thought it was so cool. The website printed off a little coupon and off I went to the shower, thrilled with my gift.

A few months later, Friend was talking about her HM and how they just laid on the beach the whole time and it was so great. Because they had the HM fund, they "were able to save all that money and use it to furnish our new house!"

I would have still given her cash if she had just skipped the registry and shower altogether, and said "We're not registered, but we just moved and we're saving for new furniture." Instead, she let me think I was giving her a special experience, when in fact I just gave her $75 -fees. I felt cheated and deceived, like she had broken my trust.

beethery · May 2014

I'm going to save my gifs when this inevitably gets hijacked by a crazy person a few pages in.

wrigleyville · May 2014

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7239144

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7236768

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1017064/honeymoon-jar/p1

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7233039

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1019303/is-a-honeymoon-a-bad-idea/p1

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7214303

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7209295

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7198013

http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7162743

hellohkb · May 2014

Sometimes, I genuinely feel bad for old school TK regs. How many times does this question (or something extremely similar) get asked?

I used to think honeymoon registries were an awesome idea, but TK ladies shut the shit down and now I see just how tacky they are.

sarahonlife · May 2014

CarolinaKC said:

I've seen a lot of people seriously ragging on honeymoon registries, and the common thinking seems to be that they are extremely tacky and rude. I can't understand why. What difference does it make if they register for a set of wine glasses or a bath mat or tickets to a play or scuba diving lessons? I get that some registries are just general cash registries, which I agree is going too far, but if you're asking for events or activities that the couple will enjoy together, what's wrong with that? In a lot of cases I'd rather buy people a life experience that I know they will remember and appreciate than flood them with more material possessions.

Because if you register for wine glasses and I buy you wine glasses, you get wine glasses. No deception. If you have a honeymoon registry and I buy you scuba lesson, you get a check for the amount of scuba lessons, minus the registry's fee, that you can then take and do whatever you want with. So what's the point of the registry when I could have just given you a check in the first place?

Marzipan13 · May 2014

Remember that scene in "A Charlie Brown Christmas", where Charlie Brown helps his sister Sally write her Christmas list to Santa? Remember how she says "To make it easier on yourself, just send money. How about tens and twenties!" and Charlie Brown goes "OH BROTHER...", throws the list on the ground, and we all laughed at how rude and selfish that was of her to say?

It's the same thing.

emmaaa · May 2014

I wonder if this is another troll Jenna was talking about in her "SUCKAS" thread?

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

It's 10.30 am. Can I start drinking?

CarolinaKC · May 2014

Thanks for these responses, they have definitely made me think. I think the reason I like the idea is because I have a lot of anti-materialism people in my family who have expressed preference for the practice of spending money on experiences rather than stuff. But they also find the idea of just cutting a check impersonal. But it's true that the registry doesn't guarantee that the money will be used on that. If guests have actively expressed a preference for this type of registry, is it still rude to have one? I would never expect someone to get me a present at all, but people I know seemed enthusiastic about the idea.

For those who pointed out that this is well-trodden territory, sorry! This is literally the first time I've used a forum for anything at all. I pretty much just use TK to look at pictures and for the checklists.

Inkdancer · May 2014

CarolinaKC said:

Thanks for these responses, they have definitely made me think. I think the reason I like the idea is because I have a lot of anti-materialism people in my family who have expressed preference for the practice of spending money on experiences rather than stuff. But they also find the idea of just cutting a check impersonal. But it's true that the registry doesn't guarantee that the money will be used on that. If guests have actively expressed a preference for this type of registry, is it still rude to have one? I would never expect someone to get me a present at all, but people I know seemed enthusiastic about the idea.
For those who pointed out that this is well-trodden territory, sorry! This is literally the first time I've used a forum for anything at all. I pretty much just use TK to look at pictures and for the checklists.

We're happy to go over this stuff for people who are willing to listen and discuss. No worries there!

If people really want to give you excursions, etc--you can always hook them up with your travel agent. Agents are more than happy to book sailboat trips, scuba diving adventures, and other fun things like that. Then they really can get you an experience, without anybody taking a cut. However, only provide this information if someone really presses. Otherwise, just don't register and people will get the hint that you don't need things.

cupcait927 · May 2014

FWIW, my mother, who is really pretty lax about a lot of etiquette things and wedding trappings, was absolutely horrified at the idea of anyone having a honeymoon registry.

@Inkdancer gave a great suggestion at how to get around creating a honeymoon registry. If someone really wants to give you an experience as a gift, by going through a travel agent it means you'll actually get the experience, not just a check to use on whatever you want, minus fees.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

And for your friends who want to get you an excursion rather than an object or money, maybe they'd prefer to get you a local excursion; tickets to the local zoo, a broadway show in the nearest big city, pottery classes at the local community college. Doesn't have to be "swimming with the dolphins on your honeymoon" to be an excursion.

delujm0 · May 2014

FI's family likes to buy us "experiences" when we go on vacation...they will do things like research local restaurants and buy us gift cards to use while we're there. So, on my wedding website, i put our basic itinerary on the Honeymoon page, including the resorts. That way, if someone came up with the idea of getting us a honeymoon experience all on their own, they would have the ability to do that for us, without us asking for it (or for the money to do it). We planned a honeymoon that we could easily afford right now and do not need any assistance with. But we wouldn't turn down a free meal if someone got that for us!

Whenever i see a honeymoon registry, i just assume that the couple can't pay for the vacation on their own and is asking their guests to fund it because they think they're entitled to it. I know that's not always the case...but if it looks like a cash grab and it sounds like a cash grab.........

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

delujm0 said:

FI's family likes to buy us "experiences" when we go on vacation...they will do things like research local restaurants and buy us gift cards to use while we're there. So, on my wedding website, i put our basic itinerary on the Honeymoon page, including the resorts. That way, if someone came up with the idea of getting us a honeymoon experience all on their own, they would have the ability to do that for us, without us asking for it (or for the money to do it). We planned a honeymoon that we could easily afford right now and do not need any assistance with. But we wouldn't turn down a free meal if someone got that for us!

Whenever i see a honeymoon registry, i just assume that the couple can't pay for the vacation on their own and is asking their guests to fund it because they think they're entitled to it. I know that's not always the case...but if it looks like a cash grab and it sounds like a cash grab.........

What kills me too is that it's always a far more exorbitant vacation than most people take. Nobody ever does a honeyfund for a week in Myrtle Beach. Traditional registries are typically super practical, then honeyfund mooches for horseback riding in the surf at the base of a volcano. What? No. Here's a gift card to Applebee's; have a candlelit dinner there. I'll even throw in a bottle of Maalox.

Alyssa18o6 · June 2014

I was absolutely against honeymoon registries. I thought they we're super weird and I felt horrible asking someone to pay for my honeymoon. We were sitting around talking to my parents about registering, because we already live together and pretty much just buy whatever we need. I don't wanna go register for stuff for the sake of registering, I feel like thats rude. There is a few things that we would like that we don't have but thats literally 4 things! So the discussion of us registering for Disney gift cards came up that we could put towards our honeymoon. Is that still rude? Clearly that money would directly go to Disney since it's in the form of a gift card. It's not like someone is paying for something and i'm getting the cash from it. Now i'm nervous about registering for the giftcards although it be a HUGE help.

chibiyui · June 2014

Alyssa18o6 said:

I was absolutely against honeymoon registries. I thought they we're super weird and I felt horrible asking someone to pay for my honeymoon. We were sitting around talking to my parents about registering, because we already live together and pretty much just buy whatever we need. I don't wanna go register for stuff for the sake of registering, I feel like thats rude. There is a few things that we would like that we don't have but thats literally 4 things! So the discussion of us registering for Disney gift cards came up that we could put towards our honeymoon. Is that still rude? Clearly that money would directly go to Disney since it's in the form of a gift card. It's not like someone is paying for something and i'm getting the cash from it. Now i'm nervous about registering for the giftcards although it be a HUGE help.

I wouldn't register for giftcards. Just don't register for anything and when people ask say you're saving for your Disney honeymoon. H and I love Disney, and would totally give money/gift cards towards it, but seriously, if I hear through the grapevine or from you directly after asking you what you'd like, we're more likely to be extra generous then if you register for gift cards.

Alyssa18o6 · June 2014

chibiyui said:

Alyssa18o6 said:

I was absolutely against honeymoon registries. I thought they we're super weird and I felt horrible asking someone to pay for my honeymoon. We were sitting around talking to my parents about registering, because we already live together and pretty much just buy whatever we need. I don't wanna go register for stuff for the sake of registering, I feel like thats rude. There is a few things that we would like that we don't have but thats literally 4 things! So the discussion of us registering for Disney gift cards came up that we could put towards our honeymoon. Is that still rude? Clearly that money would directly go to Disney since it's in the form of a gift card. It's not like someone is paying for something and i'm getting the cash from it. Now i'm nervous about registering for the giftcards although it be a HUGE help.

I wouldn't register for giftcards. Just don't register for anything and when people ask say you're saving for your Disney honeymoon. H and I love Disney, and would totally give money/gift cards towards it, but seriously, if I hear through the grapevine or from you directly after asking you what you'd like, we're more likely to be extra generous then if you register for gift cards.

Yeah I probably shouldn't of used "registering" I apologize. I didn't even think you could register for giftcards. It was gonna be more of a word of mouth thing and if people asked.

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