What to do when the rude guest is your soon-to-be brother-in-law

kitty8403 · May 2014

Sometimes, parents of special needs children choose to pick their battles. There is no way for us to guess the extent of his disability over the Internet, or to assess this family's parenting skills, but it's possible that the things you find so bothersome are comparatively minor issues, considering what the entire family has gone through so far. It's also not unusual for kids with certain conditions to be engrossed by video games in a way that schoolwork or social interaction fail to match.
I just want to encourage you to take a closer look and try to better understand where your FI's family is coming from. For better or worse, this young man is about to be your brother.

kitty8403 · May 2014

You mentioned he kept the volume up. Down syndrome patients have a high risk of hearing disorders and hearing loss. Maybe he had the game level so loud because he couldn't hear it properly at a normal volume.

pinkcow13 · May 2014

FI has an uncle that suffered a TBI about 15 years ago or so. He's confined to a wheelchair, and cannot verbally communicate. When he is out at a public event, such as a family party, at least 2 male family members have to take him to the bathroom. When he gets irritable he makes a loud grunting sound, and wriggles in his chair. He can be very loud when this happens.

He will be at our wedding and engagement party, and I'm not worried. I'm glad to have him there because not only do I love him as if he were my uncle, but I know it's important to FI. He became irritable at FI's cousins engagement party last year, and it did not ruin the party, trust me. Even if your FI's brother"misbehaves" at any point, it's not a big deal. As a guest, I would not be bothered at all. If this doesn't bother your FI, it definitely should not bother you.

ohannabelle · May 2014

Why yes, you do sound insensitive. Not a little.

I'm impressed that you've decided that you know better than his family what the extent of his limitations and abilities are, and have judged his lack of table manners to be the result of parental apathy. Based on what knowledge? What experience?

His parents have been dealing with him for 17 years. Let's just go all crazy and out on a limb here, and think just maybe they have learned what their son is capable of learning and retaining, and what he isn't. Maybe they know just a little bit more about Down Syndrome than you do.

And the loud iPad- you do understand that this might be a self calming behavior, to shut out outside stimuli that can be overwhelming?

This kind of reminded me of the news story from Houston, where a customer took offense at the noise and behavior of a Down Syndrome child in a restaurant, and remarked that "Special needs children need to be special somewhere else." The waiter (Michael Garcia) was so disgusted by the remark that he refused to serve the offended couple. God bless him.

It sounds like you, too, want your fiancé's brother to be "special" somewhere else. Not at your table, not in your wedding.

I would be very very very careful how I approached him and his family on this. If you were my future daughter in law, and suggested that I simply had neglected to teach my special needs son manners because I couldn't be bothered, it would be our last conversation.

adverb1129 · May 2014

You might be a nice person otherwise but your question is gross

indianaalum · May 2014

WOW. Your post actually has me fuming. Down Syndrome IS an excuse to not be so good at social skills as learning is very difficult. People with developmental disabilities often lack appropriate social skills. It takes longer and more direct training of those social skills. They don't just pick up on them like others do. Don't assume he was never taught it, as sometimes it is WAY WAY more complicated than that. As a person who works with special needs kids, sometimes things can be taught over and over and it just isn't learned as readily as it could be. Its not a matter of "just trying harder". He actually has a legitimate chromosomal disorder that makes learning HARDER. What about THAT don't you understand?!?

As for what your other guest will think? I hope they are smarter (and kinder) than you and understand he has a DISABILITY and with that, comes challenges. From my experience, people are usually KIND to people with Down Syndrome as they know they have challenges. SADLY, you don't "get it" as you are too worried about your PPD to care about the poor guy.

It sounds like perhaps YOU are embarassed of his disabilty and you should be ASHAMED of yourself.

If you want your marriage to work, I recommend researching down sydrome and getting some sensitivity training on disabilities

HaileyDancingbear · May 2014

Oh, I am so sorry your FBIL has Down syndrome. That must be so rough on you, I mean how dare he have a disability that affects his behavior. I've worked with plenty of children with Down Syndrome. Yeah, they get rowdy sometimes, and that is not because they are "Rude." They just don't know how to handle themselves sometimes. They sometimes have trouble figuring out what is and isn't appropriate. None of their actions have ever come from a place of actual meanness or actual disrespect, just misunderstanding. You need to learn to be patient with your FBIL.

My cousin, who I asked to be a bridesmaid, has very severe mental issues. Very low IQ, lots of nervous ticks, not always perfectly appropriate behavior (No official diagnosis because her mom never bothered- not claiming that I am at all qualified to diagnose, but I would compare what she has to severe autism and mental retardation.) I won't be surprised if/when she talks out of turn or doesn't have good table manners, or fidgets and does weird stuff with her hands during the ceremony, or has a hard time standing there the whole time. I won't care either, she is family and I love her as she is. And if anyone has a single bad thing to say about my cousin, I will be FAR too busy kicking their ass to give a damn what they think.

mysticl · May 2014

OP I think you should immediately bring up all of your concerns with you FI. That way he can decide if he still wants to be your FI.

It's one thing not to adore every single member of his family, it's another to discriminate against a family member with a disability.

indianaalum · May 2014

Wish more people could see what this thread was about with the title so MORE people could ream this selfish little bride a new one. she severely needs a KNOT lashing like nobody else............

MGP · May 2014

ACNov4 said:

I have a question and I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, because I don't mean it to be. My soon-to-be brother-in-law is 17 years old and has Down Syndrome. He could be a lot more mature, but his parents let him play video games for hours instead of teaching him manners and social skills. My parents recently met him for the first time and were appalled at his lack of manners. Not only could he not sit through brunch at my and my fiancé's home for more than a half hour, but he was belching and talking with food in his mouth (and his parents did nothing about it). He then played on the iPad, which was turned up to the highest volume (it would have been another thing if he could at least sit quietly).

Now I'm worried about what will happen at the wedding (June 2015!). To me, that behavior is appalling and having Down Syndrome is not an excuse for a lack of manners. What I don't know is how to approach the topic with my fiancé, especially when his own parents don't seem to care that their son has no manners. I want us both to be able to enjoy our wedding day, and I know my fiancé wants to have his brother there, but I don't want someone being rude or ruining the day for me.

Help!

Wow this whole thing has really struck a nerve with me. As someone who just lost a beloved uncle who had Down Syndrome I have so many things to say it's best to just list them:

Yes, you are being extremely insensitive not to mention judgmental, ignorant, and self centered.

Lack of manners is not something confined to people with intellectual and developmental disabilities.

Many teenage boys lack manners, social skills, and play video games. This is nothing new.

All parents have to pick their battles when it comes to their children's behaviors. Parents with special needs children have it even harder. Give your future in laws a break.

He could possibly be acting out around you because he can sense that you are annoyed and judgmental. Down Syndrome kids are extremely intuitive.

I say all of this because you need to look at the big picture. Not only is he a groomsmen of your fiancé's choosing this is your future family and brother in law. Being self centered around your special day will only put his family on the defense with you, especially if you are ignorantly telling them how YOU think they should parent. There is a good chance you may become this person's caregiver years down the road so use this time to educate yourself on what to expect. There was a story in the "worst weddings" thread where a Bridezilla made her family remove her sister from her wheelchair to not ruin her precious pictures. Your situation isn't too different, it's just a mental disability compared to a physical one.

And for the record, my uncle stood as a groomsmen in my parent's wedding without a single problem.

Teddy917 · May 2014

My husband attended his aunt's wedding as a kid (about 10 yo). He was taking medication for his disabilities and they made him completely loopy. He doesn't even remember doing it but he was wandering around, staring off into space, and when somebody who was videotaping the event called his name, he turned around and yelled "BAH!" right into the camera. We just laugh at it if it weren't for the video the aunt probably wouldn't have noticed.

Excuse the lack of some punctuation. My iPhone doesn't like me today.

What to do when the rude guest is your soon-to-be brother-in-law

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