NWR: Am I a Bad Friend? (Vent-ish)

buddysmom80 · May 2014

My MOH/bff have been friends for over 20 years. We've grown up together and have talked about anything under the sun until recently. I feel like I have to censor myself around her and it's really, really frustrating. The things I can't talk about with her: sex, her H and his "ways", money/debt, and when FI and I are going to start TTC. So our conversations are limited to her job (boring), my job (boring X 1000000), crafts, cats, books, our wedding stuff, cooking and gardening. All fun stuff, but this is the stuff I talk about with my co-workers.

Guys, it's hard because I want to talk about everything with her, but she gets so uncomfortable. The last time we hung out, I took her out to brunch for her birthday and I said something like: "FI and I are going to do it all over the house before I leave for Europe" after drinking a few mimosas. You could just tell she was internally pearl-clutching. If I said this to anyone else, they'd be like "hell yeah!"

So now ANOTHER thing I have to add to the list of things I can't talk about. Vacation. Her H wanted to go on a fishing trip to the Keys and she went along, they haven't been on a vacation in years and it's always been vacations that he wants to do. Anyway, they got back a week ago and she was like "oh I can't wait to go again". I said something about how after we get back from our HM we're booking a cruise with my parents. She goes: "YOU'RE GOING ON VACATION AGAIN???? HOW CAN YOU AFFORD IT?" We don't live beyond our means and we save our money, that's how we afford vacation, like it's not rocket science. So then she goes on about how it must be nice for us to go on vacation at least twice a year and to have all this disposable income.

It's just really frustrating because I feel like with your friends you can talk about anything.

If I'm just being a bad friend, let me know and give me suggestions on how to work on this please!

JennyColada · May 2014

I'm a pretty open person, and that would irk me too.

I know that everyone has their own comfort levels, but I agree! It's nice to have friends that you can let loose with.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

What changed? I mean you said that you both talked about everything and then recently you can tell she is uncomfortable about certain subjects. Honestly, I think it has more to do with what may be going on in her life rather then anything you have done. And since the subjects that are off limits are the "big" subjects I am thinking she has some issues on the home front.

manateehugger · May 2014

Maggie0829 said:

What changed? I mean you said that you both talked about everything and then recently you can tell she is uncomfortable about certain subjects. Honestly, I think it has more to do with what may be going on in her life rather then anything you have done. And since the subjects that are off limits are the "big" subjects I am thinking she has some issues on the home front.

This.

And I will add, there are some issues I just don't bring up with close friends because we don't agree or don't have the same outlook (politics, parenting, etc.). We just mutually agree to not go there. I personally don't think it's a huge deal; I've got different friends for different things, I guess.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

This is the friend who is Catholic but her DH makes her sleep on the couch because they practice NFP and he can't sleep in the same bed as her on fertile days because it's 'too tempting,' right?

I agree with Maggie -- this isn't about YOU it's about your friend being jealous of the life you're building with your FI, a life built on mutual respect and understanding, on trust and love, and on shared goals. She sees what you have and she realises she's never going to have it, and that bothers her, a lot.

I don't think you're being a bad friend. I think, however, that your friendship is going to fade in the coming months and years.

buddysmom80 · May 2014

@jennycolada I'm the exact same way, I'm an open book to everyone because I figure my past experiences may help someone, you know? Fortunately I do have friends that I can be 100% uncensored with though, which is helpful!

@maggie0829 if I had to go back and really put my finger on it, her H would be a big problem with what is going on. I think what happens is that she talks to me, gets sad, tells her H that they can't do anything fun or whatever then he tells her to stop talking about it. Her H is a little bit of a control freak which she's fine with, I try to avoid him at all costs. When we were out to brunch and I made that comment she goes "Oh, if my H heard this..." so I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but from what I could perceive, he probably doesn't want to hear about it either since the last time we did talk about money stuff, they were having problems.

mysticl · May 2014

No matter how good of a friend you are I don't want to hear about your sex life. I feel that is private between a couple. I would not have given you a "hell yeah" it would have been more of an "Oooookaaaay".

Are you a bad friend? Nah. Some people just aren't into sharing everything and their level of comfort in sharing can change over time.

buddysmom80 · May 2014

@pdkh the problem is that it used to be okay to talk about these things before, then it turned taboo. I could totally understand if she explained why, but she never did.

@hisgirlfriday yes, it's the same person. I agree with you as well, I just thought I thought it was me who was the problem. She's made comments before too. One time she came over to drop something off and she said something about how normal and happy we seemed. I was in yoga pants and FI was putting up Christmas lights, but I guess to her, that was her vision or normal and happy.

@mysticl I understand that people don't want to hear that stuff, that's fine. But, if you told me right off the bat "oh friend, that's TMI for me" I would respect that. She just did a complete 180 in the span of five years.

Maggie0829 · May 2014

I think you should have a conversation with her. Tell her that you noticed that as of late that some topics seem to be taboo and that you were wondering if you had done anything or if anything was going on to cause this. Tell her that you miss being able to talk about everything and anything with her but that if she really does not want to talk about certain things because of reason X and Y then you will respect that and that you just want to make sure that everything between the two of you is okay.

manateehugger · May 2014

Right, which is why I agree with Maggie that there's something probably going on with her, and I don't think a "Hey, is everything ok with you and me? We seem a little off lately," type conversation isn't out of place here. I think if you make it about your concern for her and the health of your friendship, you might be able to get near the bottom of it.

Friendships aren't immune to growing pains, unfortunately.

buddysmom80 · May 2014

@maggie0829 good plan. We're meeting up for brunch again in a couple of weeks, we'll talk about it then

emmaaa · May 2014

Maggie0829 said:

I think you should have a conversation with her. Tell her that you noticed that as of late that some topics seem to be taboo and that you were wondering if you had done anything or if anything was going on to cause this. Tell her that you miss being able to talk about everything and anything with her but that if she really does not want to talk about certain things because of reason X and Y then you will respect that and that you just want to make sure that everything between the two of you is okay.

Yes to the bolded. Since she is your longtime BFF, I think you need to have this conversation. Let her know you miss the relationship y'all used to have and want to know if it was anything you did.

If this is stemming from an over controlling H, then it may be important for you to let her know that you are always there for her, no matter what. Maybe work at getting her to open up about her personal life also because you are worried about how distant she has been.

phira · May 2014

Yeah, it sounds like what's changed isn't you--it's that she's married to this guy in particular. I have some friends who are really not into TMI conversations, or friends who I specifically don't discuss particular subjects with (e.g. political stuff). But that sounds a lot different than this situation.

Like, you shouldn't have to NOT MENTION VACATION because OMG YOU'RE GOING ON VACATION AGAIN? I mean, really?

flyingfoxes · May 2014

I agree that different friends have different levels of what it's okay to share. I love having friends that I can share the nitty gritty of with sex though - but I realize it's not for everybody. I'm just glad to be able to talk about that stuff with my close friends and my BFF with. I agree with HisGirl though - I think your friendship will fade away. It happens.

jenna8984 · May 2014

Similar thing is happening with my best friend of 15 years!! I have always been a "loud" type of person. I don't take shit from anyone, I will tell off anyone who wrongs me, I will say things on FB that I know are not PC and I don't care because that's just who I am. She's known this for 15 years and is just now having problems with it. (ok let me set that straight, when I say not PC I mean like calling the Kardashians cum dumpsters, not being racist or homophobic or anything). She freaked out on me because I mentioned that 2 of our mutual friends gave their children stupid names- she was like why do you always judge people, it's not up to you. Which I agree with- I would never tell the parents what I thought, but I should be able to jokingly tell my best friend. My MOH just laughs and says "I know right!" and that's how it should be. It saddens me that she suddenly doesn't seem to like my personality since it's been the same forever and now I have to limit what I say around her. I guess people just change and grow apart and it sucks but sometimes there's not much we can do about it?

buddysmom80 · May 2014

@emmaaa I'm nervous about bringing up her H and his control issues because the last time I did that (they were just dating) we had a huge blow-out (fwiw he called me a slut too, but I let it go) so I don't want to be like "oh hey, things are weird, I think it's because of your H". I feel like her positive side has just gone down the toilet too. When she got back from her vacation I was like "I'm so glad you had an awesome time, the Keys are great, you should start saving for vacation again!" She goes "Oh well, we're going to start saving for IUI/IVF treatments in case I don't get pregnant... Like how do you respond to that? "Um, you're not even trying, why worry???" Then I sound like an ass. If this conversation was five years ago it would've been "hell yeah, I already booked my next trip!"

@phira that was my comment when she complained about vacation stuff. I said to myself "Really???" I'm glad I wasn't the only one who felt that way!

emmaaa · May 2014

buddysmom80 said:

@emmaaa I'm nervous about bringing up her H and his control issues because the last time I did that (they were just dating) we had a huge blow-out (fwiw he called me a slut too, but I let it go) so I don't want to be like "oh hey, things are weird, I think it's because of your H". I feel like her positive side has just gone down the toilet too. When she got back from her vacation I was like "I'm so glad you had an awesome time, the Keys are great, you should start saving for vacation again!" She goes "Oh well, we're going to start saving for IUI/IVF treatments in case I don't get pregnant... Like how do you respond to that? "Um, you're not even trying, why worry???" Then I sound like an ass. If this conversation was five years ago it would've been "hell yeah, I already booked my next trip!"

@phira that was my comment when she complained about vacation stuff. I said to myself "Really???" I'm glad I wasn't the only one who felt that way!

I definitely get that it is a touchy subject. So rather than telling her that you think her H is effecting your relationship, just tell her that you can tell things have changed between y'all and want to know why. It sucks when the dynamic changes between you and a BFF but I think a lot of this probably stems from her own personal issues. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this but I think it is important to bring up how you are feeling to her.

buddysmom80 · May 2014

I'm going to talk to her in a couple of weeks when I see her, I'll keep you guys updated!

Thanks so much everyone, I really appreciate it!

NWR: Am I a Bad Friend? (Vent-ish)

Re: NWR: Am I a Bad Friend? (Vent-ish)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards