Wedding Etiquette Forum

Fixing It? The "and Guest" Debacle and Related Problems

thenewmrsqthenewmrsq member
Second Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
edited May 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
Hi ladies!

So, I sent our invites out at the end of April for our Saturday of Labor Day Weekend wedding (its early, I know ... its a DW for EVERYONE, Labor Day is a popular weekend, and flights get expensive if you wait too long, so out of concern for my guest's pocketbooks, I sent them early, and I'm owning it). I did end up using "and Guest" for a few of our guests ... some that I couldn't find out the name of their S.O. (deployed), some that my FMIL asked be invited with a guest (elderly widows for the most part that we wanted to make sure could bring a friend if they wanted to), and some that I wasn't sure about, so wanted to give them a +1 option. I didn't really like doing this, but I'm going to make sure I track down the "guest" name prior to doing place cards, so no one will have "Guest of FriendsName" on their placecard. Do you guys have any suggestions for another way I can "fix" this (or make it better)?

Then, we come to the other problem. FI, who is awesome and super helpful with wedding stuff even though he lives 1000 miles away, gave me his list, and I asked him to make sure that the names were spelled correctly, kids names were there, etc. Even with the checking, I've had 4 invitations so far that I've had to apologize for. 

The first was for his female friend X. I didn't include her SO on the invite. I even met them and had lunch with them once, but when I was addressing the invites, it completely slipped my mind and her SO wasn't on FI's list, so the invite went out only to her. Luckily, she emailed me, I apologized profusely, and explained it was a mistake on my part and that we'd be delighted to see them both there, insert another apology. The second was one of his work friends, who FI had listed as "HisName LastName and HerName". I, incorrectly of course, assumed this meant they were married, and addressed their invite accordingly. Come to find out, they aren't even engaged. I had FI text him to explain/apologize (I've never met these people), and plan to make sure I apologize again when/if they RSVP. The third was for his BEST MAN! He had just ended his relationship with his SO, but they are still sleeping together, just not dating anymore. I specifically asked FI whether to include the SO on his invite, FI said no, so I didn't. Turns out, FI didn't ask his BM, and the SO got super upset that she wasn't on the BM's invite. I accepted her RSVP, and apologized for the misunderstanding.  The fourth was another work friend who's SO had been left off. She RSVPed separately from him, I confirmed with FI who she was, and then sent her an apology email for not including her on the guy's invite.

Other than bitching about my story, I really came here to ask for advice. I've issued apologizes, where able, and FI and I are going to review the list next week to make sure we didn't inadvertently screw anyone else out of an invite ... is there anything else I can do? I'm very glad that both the people who had SOs left off the invite mentioned it, so we could correct the oversight, and that the first girl was very understanding! I just don't know what else to do?? If we find any more, should I issue separate invites to SO's who were left off? I don't want them to think they were B-listed by getting an invite later, but I don't want to not invite them! Am I overthinking this whole thing? What would you do to set the wrongs right? (As a side note, I'm deploying mid-June and won't be back until a few weeks before my wedding, so I'm on a fairly short timeline to try and fix this faux paus)

Thanks ladies, I appreciate it!

Re: Fixing It? The "and Guest" Debacle and Related Problems

  • You are overthinking this. You made mistakes, you apologized, now you move on.
  • @RebeccaFlower - well, its only 4 months early (end of April to end of August is 4 months) and since I'll be deployed for the two months before the wedding, and its a popular holiday weekend thats how FI and I decided to handle it. We're flexible with people's schedules, and I won't be hounding people for replies until closer to the date. Still, your comment doesn't help me with my problem ... the invites are already sent.
  • I also had a few of FI's guests names spelled wrong (he gave me the spellings).  It was more than a little embarrassing.  I caught one before invites went out, but at least two more went out with misspellings of first names - one of them being his best friend from high school's wife.  We had just gone to visit them and stayed at their house about a month before we sent out invites.  I was so embarrassed.
    image
  • Exactly what @kmmssg‌ said. Mistakes happen. You apologized. Get it right on the escort cards. Thank you for your service.
  • People make mistakes.  You made some, you apologized and you fixed your errors.  Time to move on.

    Also, for lurkers please listen to PP.  Sending invites out this early is beyond ridiculous even if you are having a DW on a holiday weekend.

  • For anyone else reading, this is the purpose of the Save the Date--to let people know about the wedding specifically if it's on a holiday weekend or out of town, so they have time to make arrangements and figure out their schedules. 

    Again, for anyone else who is considering these same issues, the best thing to do would have been to send a save the date around 6-9 months in advance, and then send the invites out 6-8 weeks (at most) in advance of the date. If you had ANY reason to assume that the invite list was not accurate, you should have spent the time go go through it line-by-line together, and talk through each of the invites and how you would address the save-the-date and then the invitation. If you are inviting some single people and want them to have the option to bring someone, then "and guest" is inevitable. There is nothing wrong or rude about inviting someone single "and guest". If anyone is not single, you are expected to jump through hoops if necessary to find that person's SO's name. Since you mentioned a best man and have plenty of friends/family to invite to the wedding, I would have someone else designated to receive the RSVPs since you'll be deployed during the 2 months prior to the wedding when those RSVPs are expected. 

    But, you can't go back in time. You sent out the invites 4 months early, and you made some mistakes in addressing them. Because you sent them out so early, you're probably going to have a heck of a time chasing down your RSVPs. Since you'll be deployed during the 2 months prior to the wedding when you can expect to need them, have you designated someone else to be chasing them down? I'd make sure you have someone fully in charge of this job (your mom, your maid of honor, etc.). Make sure they have the whole guest list, as well as phone and email addresses for everyone, so they can start reaching out when necessary. 
    As for the mistakes--everyone makes mistakes. One thing you could do is re-send the invitations, addressed correctly, to the people who were specifically offended. You could include a handwritten note of apology for leaving someone off, for example. Otherwise, you just suck it up and do better next time. For instance, your thank you notes had better be addressed perfectly and sent out in a very timely fashion!
  • @kmmssg , @NYCMercedes , @Maggie0829 - Thanks! Moving on is great advice, just wanted to make sure there wasn't anything else I could do to fix the issue. @KatieinBkln - Do you know my FI? Because he actually said "babe, I'm sorry that I made you look like a jackass ... let's review the list again together and make sure everything else is okay!" So funny that you said that :D@melbenso - You understand my pain! Yikes, sorry that happened to you! Thanks for sharing though, its nice to know that I'm not alone.
  • thenewmrsqthenewmrsq member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    @MandyMost - already started on some thank you notes, and they are perfectly addressed! That's a good idea about the handwritten apology with the resent invite ... I'll do that for the girl who got super upset and for anyone else we catch at the review.  Thank you.  

    In regards to STDs ... we did send them. In January (8 months out). And then had about 50 people (our guest list is 300) tell us that they wanted to come but wouldn't make travel arrangements until they got the invitation ... or some variation of that statement.  Due to that strong reaction, we made the conscious decision to send the invites out early. I'm owning it, and I actually think that it has worked very well in our favor ... we've got about half the responses back so far, mostly accepts, and many people commented that they appreciated the advance notice from the STD AND the invite. Granted, my elderly great aunt did comment on how early we sent them, so she's definitely in agreement with you. I'm not going to say that sending them out at the 4 month mark was the best thing to do etiquette-wise, but I think we helped more people than we inconvenienced with the early invites, and that was important to me. (edited to include this statement: Isn't that what etiquette is all about anyway? Polite behavior designed to ensure that guests are treated with decorum?)

    Regarding the RSVPs, this is why we chose to do online RSVPs (since I am literally the only person who lives in MI, my family is scattered across the states). My FI will be handling tracking people down while on deployment from his side of the list, and my MOH (baby sister) will be handling my side. Thanks for mentioning that though ... if I hadn't already come up with a plan, it would have been a great reminder!
  • I just hope you continue to think that this was a good idea and everything worked out for the best with the 4-month-early invites the day after your wedding, after you've experienced trouble tracking people down and had people change their RSVP or just no-show after responding they would come. That's why the invites are sent closer to the date and RSVPs aren't usually needed for a couple weeks out--plans change. Things come up. Most people have no idea what they'll actually be doing in 4 months, even if they're saying they'll be coming to your wedding.
  • Thanks, I hope so to! It seems to me (from reading a lot of the posts on TK) that people experience no-shows and RSVP changes even when they follow the 6 week rule, but, I agree that I may have opened myself up to a little more heart ache. If so, I'll be another one of those people able to use my story to convince people that the 6 week rule is a good idea, regardless of their circumstances. If not, then I guess it will have worked out, and I'll be happy I did it that way. Regardless, I'll still be happily married and have properly hosted my guests at an amazing wedding reception!
  • rmkuffel said:
    @kmmssg , @NYCMercedes , @Maggie0829 - Thanks! Moving on is great advice, just wanted to make sure there wasn't anything else I could do to fix the issue. @KatieinBkln - Do you know my FI? Because he actually said "babe, I'm sorry that I made you look like a jackass ... let's review the list again together and make sure everything else is okay!" So funny that you said that :D@melbenso - You understand my pain! Yikes, sorry that happened to you! Thanks for sharing though, its nice to know that I'm not alone.
    Ha! That is funny and it makes me very happy. Good luck to you! 
    image
    This baby knows exactly how I feel
  • I'm more concerned about RSVP by dates then when an invite goes out.   Don't get me wrong, if I got an STD at 8 months out and invite at 5 months out I would side-eye you big time.   However if the RSVP date is still in the 2-4 week out range I'm good.  I would just keep the RSVP on the fridge until the RSVP date. 

     If the RSVP date is out past 4 weeks I get really annoyed and kind-of pissed actually.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I think the more important question is...when did you make your RSVPs due by?  Because there's absolutely NO WAY I could tell you right now if I could come to your wedding over Labor Day weekend.  I can't even attempt to get off work that early.
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
  • melbelleupmelbelleup member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited May 2014
    No biggy, you apologized. I found out through our RSVPs that we've been spelling my mom's cousin's last name wrong for years... and by years I mean 5+ years. Whoops! At least for their place cards, their last name will be spelled right as for my brother's invites since his aren't going out until June. It definitely was wrong for my other brother's wedding though (2008) ETA: spelling is hard
    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • RSVP due date: August 1 for August 30 wedding date.
  • I agree with PPs. You've apologised, which is all you can do, but you REALLY need to have a conversation with your FI about this, because (rightly or wrongly), the bride (at least in hetero relationships) is viewed as being responsible for the failings of the invitations.

    I don't agree with that, but I accept that people think that. 

    Going forward, I think all you can do is apologise again, in person, if you're able to.
    Anniversary

    image
    I'm gonna go with 'not my circus, not my monkeys.'
  • rmkuffel said:
    RSVP due date: August 1 for August 30 wedding date.


    ** SIB **

    That is okay.  You will get mine on Aug 1   :)






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • lyndausvi said:
    rmkuffel said:
    RSVP due date: August 1 for August 30 wedding date.


    ** SIB **

    That is okay.  You will get mine on Aug 1   :)
    And that would be perfect for me! Since I won't have FI and MOH go through and figure out who we don't have until the evening of Aug 1, then come up with a plan to contact those people :D
  • lyndausvilyndausvi mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2014
    rmkuffel said:
    lyndausvi said:
    rmkuffel said:
    RSVP due date: August 1 for August 30 wedding date.


    ** SIB **

    That is okay.  You will get mine on Aug 1   :)
    And that would be perfect for me! Since I won't have FI and MOH go through and figure out who we don't have until the evening of Aug 1, then come up with a plan to contact those people :D
    Google Drive is your friend.

    We are having a surprise party for my dad in 2 weeks.    I am the RSVP contact.  I live in CO, sister lives in PA, mom lives in DE (with dad).     Each day I update our google drive spreadsheet with the RSVP.   Mom, sister looked at the spreadsheet to see the updates. Sometimes someone has told them the answer and they will update the sheet themselves.  Brothers have access to, but they don't seem to care as much as us girls).


    ETA - great for other things you need to do.   For my wedding my sister did my table cards from my seating chart on google drive.  She copy and pasted it from the drive.    For the party we have shopping and to-do lists that everyone can look at, updated, etc.   We are in 4 different states and it works great.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    I agree with PPs. You've apologised, which is all you can do, but you REALLY need to have a conversation with your FI about this, because (rightly or wrongly), the bride (at least in hetero relationships) is viewed as being responsible for the failings of the invitations.

    I don't agree with that, but I accept that people think that. 

    Going forward, I think all you can do is apologise again, in person, if you're able to.
    YES. So much this. In hetero relationships, vendors and guests alike tend to treat brides like the gatekeepers of wedding planning/the wedding. I found myself doing it the other day--there was a mistake on the save-the-date we received for my cousin's wedding (mistake in our names), and I thought, "[Bride] would be embarrassed if I pointed this out to her." Except that I'm related to the groom, so a mistake in our names was likely HIS mistake.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    Agree with PPs.
    Not to throw a wrench in the works here, but I also sort of see where OP is coming from re STD vs invitation. A save the date isn't necessarily all that clear or informative in terms of letting people know who is actually invited and where to book travel/lodging arrangements that will be convenient to the venue (edit: and ensure they will arrive on time.) We did try to list invitee names on our STDs when they went out, but I sincerely doubt people were paying that much attention.
  • kitty8403 said:
    Agree with PPs. Not to throw a wrench in the works here, but I also sort of see where OP is coming from re STD vs invitation. A save the date isn't necessarily all that clear or informative in terms of letting people know who is actually invited and where to book travel/lodging arrangements that will be convenient to the venue. We did try to list invitee names on our STDs when they went out, but I sincerely doubt people were paying that much attention.
    Actually they should be.  Everyone who gets an STD gets an invite. Everyone I've gotten included room blocks so people can make plans (although I now know that is not always the case).   Names on the envelope should reflex who are invited.     You can always personally let people know they are invited and they invite will be sent out later but you wanted to give them heads up to make plans.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • kitty8403kitty8403 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    edited May 2014
    lyndausvi said:


    kitty8403 said:

    Agree with PPs.
    Not to throw a wrench in the works here, but I also sort of see where OP is coming from re STD vs invitation. A save the date isn't necessarily all that clear or informative in terms of letting people know who is actually invited and where to book travel/lodging arrangements that will be convenient to the venue. We did try to list invitee names on our STDs when they went out, but I sincerely doubt people were paying that much attention.

    Actually they should be.  Everyone who gets an STD gets an invite. Everyone I've gotten included room blocks so people can make plans (although I now know that is not always the case).   Names on the envelope should reflex who are invited.     You can always personally let people know they are invited and they invite will be sent out later but you wanted to give them heads up to make plans.

    ---
    Yeah I know that's how it works in theory. But if you're, say, a busy parent who gets a random card in the mail, it may not register right away that this is a precursor to a formal invite and you need to study/save the envelope and go by what it says. A thick invitation with multiple envelopes is a better clue that something is up.
  • Everyone on my list who got a STD also got an invite (plus a few others we realized were missing afterwards). Our STD had our wedding website on it, which contained all the info about timing, room blocks, and was addressed to the people who were invited (AKA, adult children living at home got their own STD, younger children's names were included, etc). But we STILL had people who wanted to wait to make arrangements until they had the invite in hand. In retrospect, maybe the better thing to do would be to send those 50ish people who wanted their invites early the actual invite, and sit on the other ones until I was closer to the date. I don't really like to split tasks up, so it didn't occur to me. But, whats done is done, and we'll see how well it works out! Don't worry, I'll give a full report in September regarding no-shows and last minute RSVP changes so we can see how well it actually worked. Thanks for everything ladies!

    @kitty8403 - I really think that the ppl who wanted the invite earlier felt that an STD wasn't enough for them to make travel arrangements (maybe a bad experience with a bride who sent them a STD with no follow up invite??). Thanks for braving the crowd and backing me up :D
  • kitty8403 said:
    kitty8403 said:
    Agree with PPs. Not to throw a wrench in the works here, but I also sort of see where OP is coming from re STD vs invitation. A save the date isn't necessarily all that clear or informative in terms of letting people know who is actually invited and where to book travel/lodging arrangements that will be convenient to the venue. We did try to list invitee names on our STDs when they went out, but I sincerely doubt people were paying that much attention.
    Actually they should be.  Everyone who gets an STD gets an invite. Everyone I've gotten included room blocks so people can make plans (although I now know that is not always the case).   Names on the envelope should reflex who are invited.     You can always personally let people know they are invited and they invite will be sent out later but you wanted to give them heads up to make plans.
    --- Yeah I know that's how it works in theory. But if you're, say, a busy parent who gets a random card in the mail, it may not register right away that this is a precursor to a formal invite and you need to study/save the envelope and go by what it says. A thick invitation with multiple envelopes is a better clue that something is up.

    *** SIB ***

    I do not buy it. .  A STD normally tells YOU to save a date because whoever sent you the card is getting married in a certain city or town.  Often times it includes hotel block info.  I think it's self-explanatory that you got this card because you are invite.  Now if you are not sure if little Jimmy is invited or your SO, then there is nothing wrong in calling the couple.   

    Don't get me wrong, I get why people might be a little confused.  I had someone call and ask for clarification.   But that is what adults do.  If they are not sure the purpose of the card is then they can ask.  








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • lyndausvi said:


    kitty8403 said:

    lyndausvi said:


    kitty8403 said:

    Agree with PPs.
    Not to throw a wrench in the works here, but I also sort of see where OP is coming from re STD vs invitation. A save the date isn't necessarily all that clear or informative in terms of letting people know who is actually invited and where to book travel/lodging arrangements that will be convenient to the venue. We did try to list invitee names on our STDs when they went out, but I sincerely doubt people were paying that much attention.

    Actually they should be.  Everyone who gets an STD gets an invite. Everyone I've gotten included room blocks so people can make plans (although I now know that is not always the case).   Names on the envelope should reflex who are invited.     You can always personally let people know they are invited and they invite will be sent out later but you wanted to give them heads up to make plans.
    ---
    Yeah I know that's how it works in theory. But if you're, say, a busy parent who gets a random card in the mail, it may not register right away that this is a precursor to a formal invite and you need to study/save the envelope and go by what it says. A thick invitation with multiple envelopes is a better clue that something is up.

    *** SIB ***

    I do not buy it. .  A STD normally tells YOU to save a date because whoever sent you the card is getting married in a certain city or town.  Often times it includes hotel block info.  I think it's self-explanatory that you got this card because you are invite.  Now if you are not sure if little Jimmy is invited or your SO, then there is nothing wrong in calling the couple.   

    Don't get me wrong, I get why people might be a little confused.  I had someone call and ask for clarification.   But that is what adults do.  If they are not sure the purpose of the card is then they can ask.  




    ---
    Oh yes, I agree. They should check in! Mostly I think DWs can pose extra challenges when you're dealing with a lot of people who have children. The last thing you need is to have people overlook the STD address and assume their kids are/are not invited, because with DWs, that could make a huge difference with things like plane tickets and hotels and childcare. But then, people in my circle tend to assume all invites default to being intended for the "family" unless it's made very clear (like with headcount on an RSVP card) that this is not the case. It adds a lot of headaches.
  • I think you've done all you can as far as apologizing, extending invites to the right people, etc. But you might need to have a talk with your FI about how his lackadaisical attitude is making you look like a jackass. I'm glad you had HIM apologize to his work friends, but yikes. If he didn't realize the importance of these details, I think you're more than welcome to educate him.
    KatieinBkln said this very eloquently. I was just gonna say your FI deserves a swift kick in the butt, but that's just me. 
    ________________________________


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