Engagement Ring...

emilylauren1993 · May 2014

My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married. The ring style and budget have been discussed. We're a young couple so spending a ridiculous amount on a ring seems out of the question. However there's also another option I haven't told him...only because of my parents. A while back, I inherited a ring from my great aunt (who I wasn't close to and didn't know very well so it holds no sentimental value). The ring itself is something only an older lady would appreciate, but the diamonds (1ct, 3/4ct, and 1/2ct) are gorgeous. I want to have the diamonds reset into something that I love and use that as my engagement ring. To me that's $3000+ saved and used when we're married. My parents both agree that he should have to buy the engagement ring, and using the ring I inherited is out of the question. My mom thinks it would be "tacky" for us to use this ring. But why not use the 3 diamonds that have been sitting in a box for the last 10 years? Help!

bethsmiles · May 2014

If you are old enough to get married then you should be able to make a decision like this without the approval of your parents. The ring is yours, discuss it with your SO and leave your parents out of it because it isn't really thier business. Honestly, I think its a tad ridiculous you discussed this with your parents but not your SO. How old are you?

On the otherhand, could this be a thinly vieled attempt at diguising their disapproval of an impending engagement? Perhaps they feel you are too young and cannot support yourselves and thus feel he needs to buy the diamond and setting to delay things?

Im typing from my phone so I apologize for any typos!

Swazzle · May 2014

emilylauren1993 said:

My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married. The ring style and budget have been discussed. We're a young couple so spending a ridiculous amount on a ring seems out of the question. However there's also another option I haven't told him...only because of my parents. A while back, I inherited a ring from my great aunt (who I wasn't close to and didn't know very well so it holds no sentimental value). The ring itself is something only an older lady would appreciate, but the diamonds (1ct, 3/4ct, and 1/2ct) are gorgeous. I want to have the diamonds reset into something that I love and use that as my engagement ring. To me that's $3000+ saved and used when we're married. My parents both agree that he should have to buy the engagement ring, and using the ring I inherited is out of the question. My mom thinks it would be "tacky" for us to use this ring. But why not use the 3 diamonds that have been sitting in a box for the last 10 years? Help!

Ditto @bethsmiles. If you inherited it, it's your ring to do with as you please. Your parents don't really have a say.

That said, if they're really against you resetting it and using it as an engagement ring maybe you should listen to their concerns and try to understand where they're coming from.

Why does your mom think it's tacky to use it?

ShallowSeas · May 2014

Ditto PPs. Its your ring, so use it the way you want to. The diamond in my ring came from FI's great-grandmother's ring that he inherited and thats my favorite thing about my ring. If I had inherited a ring from a family member, I would have no problem using the diamonds in a different setting. There's nothing tacky about it. FI was able to buy me a really nice bridal set since we saved so much money by not having to purchase a diamond.

I would definitely find out why they don't want you using the diamond though, and why they think its tacky. That strikes me as odd and may stem from something else...

phira · May 2014

Agree with both @bethsmiles and @swazzle.

- You can still tell your boyfriend about this option. Honestly, he might not be up for it anyway; I know that engagement rings and proposals are some of the few wedding-related decisions that men are expected to be involved in, and he might have a strong opinion on what stone or stones are used in the ring. Obviously, if you've been talking about engagement rings, you might already know how he feels or have guessed how he feels. But all the same, you still haven't said, "Hey, boyfriend, what do you think about this?"

- If you're old enough to get engaged and married, you are old enough to make this decision without your parents' opinions. You own this ring; unless they are holding it for you and refusing to give you possession of the ring, there's no reason to even discuss the ring with them further. Just talk to your boyfriend about what he'd like to do, and offer him a diamond from your great aunt's ring. You can (and should!) make it clear that you want to have the stones re-set anyway.

- It's hard to tell from your post what's really going on with your parents. I do wonder how old you are, but I also want to point out that it sounds like it's not just an age thing--it's a "parents are being traditional" thing. A lot of folks think that it's absolutely 100% on a man (in a hetero couple) to be financially responsible for an engagement ring. It sounds like your parents believe that it's unacceptable and irresponsible for your boyfriend to "take" a stone from you instead of paying for a new one himself. The thing is, the commitment you and your boyfriend make to each other is your commitment. It's a commitment on your terms, not your parents' terms. So if you and your boyfriend think, "Hey, let's use a diamond from this ring for the engagement ring!" and it's a piece of jewelry you create together, and you free up money to spend on the eventual wedding/a downpayment on a house/a honeymoon abroad, and you want that (you = plural you), then great! Go for it!

Your parents can think, "Ugh, tacky!" or they can think, "He should have had to buy the whole ring himself; that's his job as The Man." But they are not you. They are not the High Council of Your Relationship.

Dignity100 · May 2014

Does this ring hold sentimental value to somebody else? Even though the ring is yours, if it happens to hold sentimental value to somebody else in your family, I would first offer the ring to them - but that is just me (I can be an overly sentimental person).

If the ring does not hold sentimental value to anybody else, I would go ahead and look into resetting the diamonds or see if there was a way to reconfigure the ring in such a way that I would like it (for example: if it was yellow gold and I wanted white, I would just look to have it rhodium plated).

As far as going to your parents, when I was looking at rings, I did talk to my parents about it a bit. The main reason I talked to them about it was because we were going to Chicago to look at one store to see what their ring's looked like (it was a diamond simulant) and I basically needed to ask them if they could watch my dogs... they asked 'why Chicago' so we explained why and I showed them the few styles I was looking at. My parents at that time offered their opinion. FI and I ended up not feeling 100% comfortable with a 'fake diamond', I considered other gem stones as well. That being said, you're an adult, and it's OK to include your parents but if you are old enough to get married, you're also old enough to make your own decisions.

Blue & White · May 2014

I wear my great grandma's engagement ring as a right hand ring. I have since high school when I inherited it. She had excellent taste.

I would have been fine with a proposal and a ring hand swap, but H (at the time BF) is super traditional and wanted the ring to be a new symbol of our commitment to each other. So now I have two engagement rings lol.

While I think you should be open with your BF about this option (if it is an option - I would find out why your parents were opposed first so you don't offend someone by dismantling a ring with sentimental value to them) but it may just take time.

Also I had a friend get engaged in college with an $800 ring. So you don't necessarily need to be loaded to buy a ring.

blabla89 · May 2014

I think setting your great aunt's diamonds in a ring that you like is a lovely idea. The ring is yours and you are absolutely free to do with it as you like. However, if your parents were close to your great aunt then they may feel some sentimental attachment to the ring that you don't. Again, you're free to do whatever you want with it, but there may be some hurt feelings if you have it dismantled.

If you're old enough to marry, your parents don't need to have any say in your engagement or your engagement ring. It's cool that you are openly discussing this with them, and hopefully they are supportive of you and your BF. But I can tell you that telling a grown man he has to buy a new ring because your parents said so isn't going to go over well - I've watched this scenario play out with my FSIL and her H and it's not good. Focus on what you and your BF want and can afford.

lilacck28 · May 2014

My mother gave me her engagement ring so that FI and I could reset the diamond (her ring was too small, and it was set in white gold, which I'm allergic to). She was all for us saving money (edit: and so excited for us to be getting married!) I agree with PP in wondering if there is something else going on. There are also alternative stones that are less expensive than a diamond-- moissanite if you want a fairly clear and sparkly stone that's similar to diamond, sapphire for clear or colored, etc. as well as "less expensive" metals, gold, white gold, and palladium.

Ultimately, It's your ring, do what you want with it. I find it strange that your parents wouldn't want you to save money and do this. I don't know how you're going to decide banking, but I looked at it (and my parents looked at it) as his money will be my money and vice versa, therefore, I don't want him breaking the bank. I still got exactly what I wanted. I love my mom's diamond, both aesthetically and sentimentally, and now its reset in a new ring just for me.

Practical concerns to consider though: in resetting my mother's ring, my jeweler told us stories about people trying to reset very included diamonds, and how often a diamond of that quality could/ would fracture in the resetting process. I would recommend going to a jeweler and getting your ring appraised as is. That way you get a sense of the value of what you have, if the diamonds are viable for resetting, and you can get it insured so that if something happens during the resetting process, you are protected. Check out Perfect Circle insurance.... I chose it because they cover damage and loss, and it was a very easy online process.

And, honestly, if you really want to get into "tacky" with your parents, using an heirloom is the least tacky thing you can do. You'd be right up there with the aristocracy and English royals in displaying your generational wealth. Tell your parents its "so nouveau riche to get something new". Yeah, that's how much of a ridiculous/ rude/ displays a lack of historical knowledge or understanding of "class"/ and a misplaced antiquated notion their argument sounds to me. Getting something new or old is not "tacky" when its a gift meant to display a promise of love and commitment. Sorry if that was harsh... but...

[Deleted User] · May 2014

I used an inherited ring for my engagement and wedding ring. it's gorgeous. I wish I could change the color of the band from yellow gold to rose gold, but it has grown on me and I decided I don't want to change it for now. my H was going to buy an engagement ring because he felt he was supposed to pay for my ring, but I really wanted THIS ring... so that's the ring I got! so use your diamonds, who cares!

buddysmom80 · May 2014

I'm thinking that when OP's mom says "tacky" she means "I disapprove". Think about it, she's telling OP to have her BF save for a ring. If they're a young couple on a budget, that could take a couple of years. Enough time to grow and mature and see that they may not be the right people for each other. I'm not being mean, I'm just giving a different perspective.

When FI and I got engaged, my mom was more than willing to give us her diamond. She was so excited for us. She didn't think it was tacky at all. Probably because it was one less piece of jewelery she had to worry about.

cu97tiger · May 2014

My grandmother gave me a ring when I was 16 that included her engagement diamonds, plus some other diamonds. DH used the center diamond for my e-ring. It wasn't tacky.

Now I get to get a new (slightly bigger) diamond for my grandmother's ring and continue to wear it. Everybody wins.

Blackbird230 · May 2014

I don't think this is about the ring at all. I'm thinking this is much more about the OP's relationship with her mother. Seconding other PPs, how old are you? Are you financially stable?

blabla89 · May 2014

@CocoBellaF your ring is so pretty! I'm not usually a fan of yellow gold, but it suits yours really well.

phira · May 2014

Just occurred to me that the OP's username has 1993 in it, so I'm guessing the OP is 20 or 21. So certainly on the younger side, but it's not like everyone here is like ... 24+ only.

buddysmom80 · May 2014

@cocobellaf that's the first time I've seen your ring and it's GORGEOUS!

Dignity100 · May 2014

@cocobellaf - your ring is beautiful!

buddysmom80 · May 2014

phira said:

Just occurred to me that the OP's username has 1993 in it, so I'm guessing the OP is 20 or 21. So certainly on the younger side, but it's not like everyone here is like ... 24+ only.

Since I turned 30, I've been celebrating my 21st birthday, so I'm like totally 21.

Just kidding, I'm 33

ShallowSeas · May 2014

I think I'm 21 until I try to act like I'm 21 and then I'm like NOPE. Definitely pushing 30.

KeptInStitches · May 2014

I'm 27. I have a few years to decide whether I will be my age or follow my mom's path - she just keeps turning 29.

lilacck28 · May 2014

I'm only about to be 25 (two weeks!), but I feel like I have the lifestyle of a 70 year old. I take a certain pride in that. Seriously, though, when FI and I were looking for new apartments, all the best ones (gorgeous, updated, and inexpensive!) were for 55+ communities. Darn.

Blackbird230 · May 2014

I'm on the young side (22), but will be 24 by the time FI and I are married.

lilacck28 · May 2014

@blackbird230 :

1. This may be a wee bit creepy but... I lurked for a while on here, and I only just recently caught on to the fact that you were "Kait". I was thinking about "regulars" and I was like... where did she go... and then I saw your tiny "formerly Kait" signature, and I felt like a friend came back haha.

2. I started dating FI when I was 22, and now I'm 24 (going on... Sound of Music shout out). Time goes by so quickly! I feel pretty much the same now as I did then.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

thanks! I wasn't a fan of the yellow gold either, but it's just like my great-great aunt wore it and I'm a little attached to it now.

blabla89 · May 2014

@lilacck28 I feel you, I'm 25 but I'm an old soul.

My boss says if you're going to lie about your age, you should lie up so that people think you look great for your age.

bethsmiles · May 2014

phira said:

Just occurred to me that the OP's username has 1993 in it, so I'm guessing the OP is 20 or 21. So certainly on the younger side, but it's not like everyone here is like ... 24+ only.

True enough. I think I've been on here since I was 19? Thank God the women here made me see how insane it would've been to get married that young and kept me from going BSC on BF!

OP - Please come back and explain your situation more so we can offer more specific/better advice!

emilylauren1993 · May 2014

I'm 21 and will be graduating college this December with job options lined up, and he is 23 and has a job in finance. We're old enough to get married and be financially stable by the time we get married. My parents and I are close so that's why I've involved them so much. As for asking their permission for the ring, they've been holding it while I was still too young or at college. My mom thinks it's tacky because she looks at engagement and marriage as traditional. She thinks that should be a purchase that he makes. She says that it wouldn't be right for me to give him a ring that he should buy one that's special to me. She knows that my great aunt's ring holds no sentimental value to me, so, her other argument is why would you want a ring that isn't special to you. My boyfriend and I both are very practical. That's why I would rather use this ring to get something that I really love, and put the money that would be spent on the engagement ring toward something else like a honeymoon or a house.

lilacck28 · May 2014

emilylauren1993 said:

I'm 21 and will be graduating college this December with job options lined up, and he is 23 and has a job in finance. We're old enough to get married and be financially stable by the time we get married. My parents and I are close so that's why I've involved them so much. As for asking their permission for the ring, they've been holding it while I was still too young or at college. My mom thinks it's tacky because she looks at engagement and marriage as traditional. She thinks that should be a purchase that he makes. She says that it wouldn't be right for me to give him a ring that he should buy one that's special to me. She knows that my great aunt's ring holds no sentimental value to me, so, her other argument is why would you want a ring that isn't special to you. My boyfriend and I both are very practical. That's why I would rather use this ring to get something that I really love, and put the money that would be spent on the engagement ring toward something else like a honeymoon or a house.

1. First bolded: I am also extremely close with my parents. I involve them in most of my decision making as well, including the ring purchase. I don't think that there's anything wrong with this. But remember that you are an adult, and that you can take or leave their opinions.

2. Second bolded: See my previous argument. Traditional would be using an heirloom. Buying a new diamond or ring is very nice if you can afford it, and especially nice when it is a gift out of love, but it is not "traditional". If you feel that you MUST get something new, even if you have other options, it is instead falling in line with 1950's (1930s? not sure what decade) debeers inspired consumerism/ advertising. It is "showy" in a way that those with "old money" would not be. ( ETA: If you do this knowingly and because it is your desire, that's great! Nothing wrong with that. I am not arguing that we should all act like snobbish royalty. But if you are doing this because of your parents' misguided notions about what is "traditional" or "how things should be", well, that's just as misguided.) Also, there was a recent NY Times article about how more and more young people/ recently engaged people are using heirlooms or resetting heirlooms for both financial and environmental reasons. If your parents are holding the ring hostage, you should try and educate them. As for the argument about the ring not "meaning" anything to you, so why should you use the diamonds from it. Well, why would a new diamond or stone mean anything more to you than an old one if they are both going into a new setting that is being gifted to you by future fiance? And if they are insistent that you can not use the ring, I would be asking for a deeper argument then they have provided.

2. third bolded: very smart.

phira · May 2014

What I find really funny is that to me ... practical is often romantic. A lot of people give me weird looks because J and I bought rings together, picked a day we'd be engaged, and didn't have any kind of proposal. I paid for 50% of my engagement ring because I didn't think J should have to spend outside his comfort zone for a ring we both liked. And my stone was not something I thought I'd love; I wanted a lab-created sapphire. But the jeweler we wanted to go with only uses (ethically) mined stones, so we went with that.

And I could go on for days about how romantic our engagement was. I can't imagine having J pick out/design/pay for my ring by himself. And 8 months into our engagement, I can still be caught gazing at my sapphire because I'm so in love with it.

Basically, I think it's good to be practical about this decision because for you and your boyfriend, this is how you are as a couple. And that will make your engagement something that works for you and is romantic for you. It'll make your ring meaningful to you.

And besides, this heirloom ring might not have any sentimental value to you right now ... so all the more reason to take the stones and turn that ring into something sentimental and valuable to you.

I would see what you can do about getting the ring from your parents. I'm not suggesting that you lie to them about why you want it ... definitely not suggesting that if it's necessary ... or something ...

lilacck28 · May 2014

@cocobellaf : is that a marquise? I have a marquise! Regardless, I love your ring.

lilacck28 · May 2014

I would just like to add... sometimes mother's and father's can pick up on how we really feel, and tell us. I wasn't sure if I should spend the money on a "traditional" wedding. I wasn't sure if I should have a bridal party. My mom told me "Lilacck28, I think you want these things. You should do these things." If that is the case here, that you really would prefer your BF to buy you a completely new ring, and that your mom has picked up on it, then okay. Those are your feelings, they are valid, even if not all of us would agree with you. Purchase a new ring that you can afford. But that's not what your posts sounded like to me. It sounded like you knew what you wanted to do, but your mom was giving arguments about how that was "tacky" and not "traditional" that, well, aren't actually good, valid, or logical arguments.

Engagement Ring...

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