VENT: FILs have to come see it.

beethery · May 2014

I have whined about this situation with my FILs a couple of times. I love them, they are very nice people. But I don't understand why the hell they need to do this shit all the time. I do not complain to them, and I occasionally bitch to my mom about it, and ask FI why this is even a thing. He doesn't get it either, but he is very good at letting things slide. FI is the coolest cucumber in the salad bar. I, however, am now making faces and angry elephant/pterodactyl sounds because I am irritated.

The background story:

When FBIL bought his house, it had a wood stove in it. About 2 years after they got the house, he ended up buying a new wood stove, and gave the old one to FI and I for our house. FI brought it over, and the FILs requested to come over and see it. That wood stove had lived at his brother's house for two years. FILs had seen it NUMEROUS TIMES. They know what it looks like. They know you put some logs and kindling in it, and you set fire to it, and it keeps your house warm.

About 3 months later, we had to get a chimney liner put in at our house, and had the wood stove hooked up. FILs had to come over and see it. I had sent them cell phone pictures, because they asked for them, but they still had to come over and look. Neither of them is a chimney/wood stove professional, but they had to come over and look. Fast forward to winter time. It is cold out. We got some fire wood and got a fire going in the wood stove. FILs had to come over and fucking see it. They have a wood stove with a fire in it at their own home. They have seen the phenomenon before, I can assure you.

Any time we buy something new for the house (bedding, paint, put some walls up in the basement, bathtub fixtures, you get the idea), they have to come over and look. Even if they ask for pictures, they have to come over and see it. We, FBIL/FSIL, FILs, and my parents all live within +/- 15 minutes of each other.
--
Current events:
Today, I get a text message from FI. "I just want to preface this by saying I love you, and that it was not my idea."

Alright, lay it on me. What is going on? (I read this and basically have a shitfit because OH LAWD WHAT IS HAPPENING? THAT IS A FOREBODING-ASS TEXT)

"My parents said they want to come by tomorrow afternoon/night, because they haven't seen the house in a while." They came over in February to borrow the snowblower.

I told him it was fine with me, but we need to finish cleaning organizing tonight. I just... don't understand this. I don't know if maybe they think we decided to get rid of the roof or like... burn the house down and move into the septic tank. I have nooooo understanding of this compulsion to come see the house all the fucking time.

Like once a month, they have to come over and see the house. Neither FI or I have ever had any hoarders-style issues or anything like that. I'm just ready for them to start asking if they can check my drawers and make sure I haven't soiled myself at any given moment.

Am I crazy? Are they crazy? Have any of you had situations like this?

bethsmiles · May 2014

Your post makes it sound like they haven't been over since February. Considering they live within 15 minutes of you I think it's a little odd they haven't been over in several months and it wouldn't but me that they want to come over, despite their weird reasoning.

Maybe they just want to see you and think they need to give a reason?

sophhabobopha · May 2014

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

beethery said:
I have whined about this situation with my FILs a couple of times. I love them, they are very nice people. But I don't understand why the hell they need to do this shit all the time. I do not complain to them, and I occasionally bitch to my mom about it, and ask FI why this is even a thing. He doesn't get it either, but he is very good at letting things slide. FI is the coolest cucumber in the salad bar. I, however, am now making faces and angry elephant/pterodactyl sounds because I am irritated.

The background story:

When FBIL bought his house, it had a wood stove in it. About 2 years after they got the house, he ended up buying a new wood stove, and gave the old one to FI and I for our house. FI brought it over, and the FILs requested to come over and see it. That wood stove had lived at his brother's house for two years. FILs had seen it NUMEROUS TIMES. They know what it looks like. They know you put some logs and kindling in it, and you set fire to it, and it keeps your house warm.

About 3 months later, we had to get a chimney liner put in at our house, and had the wood stove hooked up. FILs had to come over and see it. I had sent them cell phone pictures, because they asked for them, but they still had to come over and look. Neither of them is a chimney/wood stove professional, but they had to come over and look. Fast forward to winter time. It is cold out. We got some fire wood and got a fire going in the wood stove. FILs had to come over and fucking see it. They have a wood stove with a fire in it at their own home. They have seen the phenomenon before, I can assure you.

Any time we buy something new for the house (bedding, paint, put some walls up in the basement, bathtub fixtures, you get the idea), they have to come over and look. Even if they ask for pictures, they have to come over and see it. We, FBIL/FSIL, FILs, and my parents all live within +/- 15 minutes of each other.
--
Current events:
Today, I get a text message from FI. "I just want to preface this by saying I love you, and that it was not my idea."

Alright, lay it on me. What is going on? (I read this and basically have a shitfit because OH LAWD WHAT IS HAPPENING? THAT IS A FOREBODING-ASS TEXT)

"My parents said they want to come by tomorrow afternoon/night, because they haven't seen the house in a while." They came over in February to borrow the snowblower.

I told him it was fine with me, but we need to finish cleaning organizing tonight. I just... don't understand this. I don't know if maybe they think we decided to get rid of the roof or like... burn the house down and move into the septic tank. I have nooooo understanding of this compulsion to come see the house all the fucking time.

Like once a month, they have to come over and see the house. Neither FI or I have ever had any hoarders-style issues or anything like that. I'm just ready for them to start asking if they can check my drawers and make sure I haven't soiled myself at any given moment.

Am I crazy? Are they crazy? Have any of you had situations like this?

I'm going to be HisGirl for a second (at least her typical post, I think it applies). I think you need to set your boundaries. Tell them no sometimes. Start now. Say that you are busy and that it is inconvenient right now. Then when you feel comfortable, in a week or so, invite them over. Don't always let them invite themselves over or it will be continue to be a standard that they can invite themselves over. Later it may be too hard to reset this standard

Ven&Radio · May 2014

I find people inviting themselves to another person's house to be extremely rude. It doesn't matter that they're relatives. Since it's your FI's family, he needs to address it with them, otherwise you're looking at a lifetime of the ILs inviting themselves over for stupid reasons.

AzAnnie · May 2014

Sounds like they just to see you guys. Maybe a way around this is to schedule a dinner with them once or twice a month.

smalfrie19 · May 2014

That's fucking crazy. I would start telling them NO.

beethery · May 2014

We see his mom at least 3 times a week. His parents have a outdoor pen for their dog, and I drop my dog off to hang out there during the day, and he or I usually get there first after work, so we will feed their dog dinner and hang out until FMIL gets home. Then we usually stand around and shoot the shit for a good 25-30 minutes after she gets home.

His dad is not home during the week, but almost every weekend FI is off (they know in advance because other than OT call-ins, his schedule is laid out a year in advance), his parents usually make plans involving us because they know he isn't working. He also spent most of the day over there on Saturday.

On the other side, I work with my parents, and they damn near NEVER come over. They live the same distance away as his parents. The last time my dad came over was in the fall to help FI build something, and before that I think my mom came by probably twice to pick me up before work because I was having car problems. My parents are usually good with descriptions or phone pictures. I go shopping with my mom on weekend days that haven't been commandeered by his parents.

Short version: We all see each other ALL THE TIME.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

I'm just laughing so hard right now. It sounds pretty innocent on their part, just that they want to visit but instead of saying "Can we come over and visit" they want to see something in the house or visit the house itself. Make sure it didn't come to life and try to eat you or anything.

My mom can't say "I want to come over and visit" so instead she says she has something to share with us. Last week it was margarita mix sold at a store three blocks from our place. Um...thanks mom! It's super hard for us to get margarita mix. I'm not sure why she does this, but she always gives us pleanty of warning, like she'll up on Tuesday and say "I have some cookies I want to bring you guys, can I come by sometime this week?" and we tell her a day. She's done this since I moved out so I just live with it now. Plus I get food/drink out of the deal.

My dad likes to come over to make sure things are working. We're running our AC now so I replaced our AC filter (no big deal, crazy easy) and my dad wants to come over to make sure it's working properly. I hate being hot, so believe me if it wasn't I'd be the first person to bitch. He never comes over to fix, it's only after we've fixed something.

Why can parents just not say "Hey, we'd like to see you, when's a good time for us to come visit?", it's an easy sentence.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

Awww, thanks @pinkshorts27!! That is, actually, what I would suggest -- telling them, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, tomorrow night doesn't suit us. We'll pick a day next week for you to come over.'

You're subtly taking back the power, and you're having this happen on YOUR terms, not on theirs. And that's OK. But your FI needs to have your back on this, and he needs to get good at saying to his parents, 'Let me check with beethery and get back to you on whether that works for us.' Or even just automatically get in the habit of deflecting and saying, 'No, that doesn't suit, how about X?' as a counter-offer.

I don't get the appeal of stopping by to 'see the house,' but I do think it's an attempt to see you and your FI more often.

My parents live 2.5 hours from me, and I'll see both of them at least once in the next two weeks, and then again in the month after that. They come down often and stay the night.

BSC granny, OTOH, lives 7 miles from us and has never seen our place. Prior to her little shit-fit on Valentine's Day (you know, telling me marrying me was the worst thing that ever happened to DH), it was because she would say, 'I want to come over tomorrow,' and I would say, 'I'm sorry, that doesn't work for us, how about a week from Tuesday?' and she would say, 'No, tomorrow or not at all,' and I would say, 'OK, then, not at all it is.'

FWIW, I totally get why this bugs you, and it would (and dig) bug me, too. Although, as evidenced by my 'don'teffingtouchmeorhugme' thread, I'm very much into having MY SPACE, and that includes not having people tell me when they're going to be in my space but instead allowing me to invite them into my space.

phira · May 2014

I just ... is this a thing? I mean, the only time people want to "come see it" at our place is either we've moved to a new apartment, or they want to come play with birdo.

Can you get your fiance on board with setting some boundaries? I know that his super cool demeanor makes you feel like you're a bit looney that this annoys you. But you're not looney.

I'd make a deal with your fiance that you will invite your in-laws over X times per Timeframe (once a month? Once a week? Whatever works for YOU). If they invite themselves over to come see something, tell them, "Sorry, that doesn't work for us, but why don't you come over Saturday for dinner?"

alpacalunch · May 2014

Oh hells no. Boundaries. Oh man. It sounds like they just want to see you, but it's not like you don't see one another! I agree with PP who mentioned inviting them over when you choose do so. If they invite themselves, soon they'll have a key of their own which they aren't afraid to use. Lay down the law soon.

smalfrie19 · May 2014

I still think its weird..you have seen the house...you know what it looks like. Bedspreads etc are not anyone's business. All I imagine with them "seeing the house" is like them coming over and rubbing up on your walls or something..sorry..its weird..

beethery · May 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 I like you, you get it. Especially because you are a fellow local chapter president of the DFTM club lol

I'm gonna reschedule more often so they back off a little. The ship has sailed on this one.

They're both on vacation this week, so I know we're going to get a dinner invite this weekend as well. In previous instances of this, and today, he has told them, "I gotta see if Beethery is ok with it. She usually has an episode and gets out a magnifying glass to make sure she's cleaned EVERYTHING before people come over."

Also, y'all might need to get a voodoo shaman or something for BSC Granny, I don't even know how else to feel about her and her shenanigans.

beethery · May 2014

chrisandcait said:

Oh hells no. Boundaries. Oh man. It sounds like they just want to see you, but it's not like you don't see one another! I agree with PP who mentioned inviting them over when you choose do so. If they invite themselves, soon they'll have a key of their own which they aren't afraid to use. Lay down the law soon.

They have a house key for when we go on vacation and they check on the cats. Thankfully, they don't just storm the castle already.

The day I come home to (what ought to be) an empty house bc FI isn't out of work yet, and they're there, I will probably have an a fucking coronary aneurysm. Hopefully it never gets to that point.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

Awww, thanks! I like you, too!

And oh, I do get it. I am local chapter president of my DFTM Club and found member and primary GTFAFM (Get The Fuck Away From Me) person. I have huge, huge, HUGE personal space issues, which DH knows about and is (basically) OK with. He learned, very early on, to ask me, 'Hey, is it OK if so-and-so comes over' because that gives me a chance to mentally prepare for having someone in my space, and for having to be 'socially on' when I might otherwise not have been expecting to.

I'm to the point where if BSC does manage to get invited to our place (unlikely) and is actually physically capable of climbing the stairs to see it (HIGHLY unlikely), I'm going to have the priest come over and bless the place afterwards.

Blessedly, DH is very much on my side, and said to her, 'You know, if you want to visit where we live, you probably need to work on being nicer to HisGirl, because neither of us is going to allow someone who brings negativity and hatred into our private space.'

If the priest doesn't work, I'm totally upping the ante to a voodoo priest or a Shaman or a witch doctor.

I swear to God, this woman is going to send me back to fucking therapy and probably back on anti-anxiety meds.

lyndausvi · May 2014

There is some weird thing that kids have no problem just dropping in on their own parents. We stop by with the dogs a few times a week or whatever. But when they try to do the same thing we freak out. I did it to my own parents when they lived 3 blocks away. I would just randomly show up at their place with their dog without thinking twice. However, when they asked to come to our house it seems like such a burden to me.

I get why you are annoyed at the same time I do not think it's a big deal to have parents over to your own home once in a while either. Sure you see them all the time, but it's always on their turf it seems.

beethery · May 2014

lyndausvi said:

There is some weird thing that kids have no problem just dropping in on their own parents. We stop by with the dogs a few times a week or whatever. But when they try to do the same thing we freak out. I did it to my own parents when they lived 3 blocks away. I would just randomly show up at their place with their dog without thinking twice. However, when they asked to come to our house it seems like such a burden to me.

I get why you are annoyed at the same time I do not think it's a big deal to have parents over to your own home once in a while either. Sure you see them all the time, but it's always on their turf it seems.

Yeahhhhhh pretty much

On the off-chance that we're every going to drop by the FILs house, we call as early as we can to ask if it's alright. I usually get a call from FMIL on Monday mornings asking if I'm going to drop our dog off so she knows whether or not to put her dog out in the pen. Even with my own parents, I call ahead of time or we'll plan for whatever the day before.

My parents just got a whole new setup for their computer room and basically re-did the whole thing. I don't feel like I need to invite myself over to see it. This must be something that's getting lost in translation I guess. Before we had our dog, we only went over there when explicitly invited (which was still very often like it is now).

We never, eeeevvverrrrrr show up to anyone's house unannounced. The FILs don't either, especially after FBIL and his drunk friend showed up at our house one day after a golf outing. FI wasn't home and I was getting out of the shower. I heard the screen door open downstairs, the dog started barking, and I yelled out, "UNLESS THAT'S FI GETTING HOME EARLY FOR SOME REASON, FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY YOU BETTER SEE YOUR ASS OUT OF MY HOUSE". Nobody shows up unannounced for SHIT anymore.

God... I sound country as hell lol

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

It's got to be a family thing, because even as close as my family is, we don't just 'drop in' on each other -- and didn't when we all lived in the same town.

My parents live 20 minutes from my brother and SIL and NEVER drop by unannounced.

Growing up, I could literally see my grandmother's house from my house, and we NEVER showed up unannounced, nor did she show up at our house unannounced.

It's just...we don't do that. We just don't.

DH's family does that, and it annoys everyone that they do it, but no one will stop it (other than me, because I have emphatically said, 'Unless you were explicitly invited here, or your car ran out of gas in my parking lot, don't show up unannounced.'), so they all just do it and complain about it to each other.

beethery · May 2014

paperpusher said:

It sounds like their way of checking up on you even tho you see each other all the time. I'm so guilty of what lyndausvi said lol. I drop by my parents all the time and just walk in. FMILs too. But when they drop by or say they are on their way, especially my parents, I get annoyed. My parents just walk right in and start checking what's in my cupboards and fridge. Then they go and comment on Squishy and say he needs to be fed and that he's looking thin. And they don't do it in a manner of checking up on me. They do it like they are being nosey.

You have the patience of a saint, because I know for 100% sure FI and I would both have an in-depth come to Jesus meeting with anyone that did that.

Like Come to Jesus... or you're going to meet him. Personally. Today. Get your affairs in order and tie up all your loose ends, because it is happening. TODAY.

lyndausvi · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

It's got to be a family thing, because even as close as my family is, we don't just 'drop in' on each other -- and didn't when we all lived in the same town.

My parents live 20 minutes from my brother and SIL and NEVER drop by unannounced.

Growing up, I could literally see my grandmother's house from my house, and we NEVER showed up unannounced, nor did she show up at our house unannounced.

It's just...we don't do that. We just don't.

DH's family does that, and it annoys everyone that they do it, but no one will stop it (other than me, because I have emphatically said, 'Unless you were explicitly invited here, or your car ran out of gas in my parking lot, don't show up unannounced.'), so they all just do it and complain about it to each other.

*** SIB

Our family use to be totally guilty of just dropping in. This last Thanksgiving I was in DE and we happen to drive by my aunt's house (not just the neighborhood, but her actual house). I have not been inside in a good 7 years. We just said "hey lets stop in". So we did. Aunt was so happy we did. Only stayed for about 10 minutes. I got a quick look at all her renos (she has lived in the same house or 60 years).

My parents and siblings all live a good distance away from each other. I think 2 hours is the closest any 2 families are near each other. So just dropping in doesn't happen. However my sister has no problem with me calling up and saying "I'm flying in on Thursday June 5, can you picked me up?". It's a given that also means I will need a room at her house. Her kids know that if I'm coming then I get one of the rooms.

My parents have a beach house. My siblings much invites themselves. Granted they are given some notice, but most of us just say "hey we are thinking of coming in for the 4th is that okay". Really what we are saying is "we are coming". They are always "sure".

Just last week a cousin was in the area and just stopped by. My mom was thrilled. Especially since dad is still in China. She likes this cousin checks up on her.

Cookie Pusher · May 2014

I live in the same town as my family, and I drop by the house to get my mail (some of it still gets sent there), drop things off, or just to say hi if we haven't spoken in a little while. But only if it's just me. If FI were going to be with me, I always check in first. I asked my mom and sisters just to text to text one of us before they just drop by because them walking in on FI surfing the internet in his underwear would not be a good thing!

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

lyndausvi said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

It's got to be a family thing, because even as close as my family is, we don't just 'drop in' on each other -- and didn't when we all lived in the same town.

My parents live 20 minutes from my brother and SIL and NEVER drop by unannounced.

Growing up, I could literally see my grandmother's house from my house, and we NEVER showed up unannounced, nor did she show up at our house unannounced.

It's just...we don't do that. We just don't.

DH's family does that, and it annoys everyone that they do it, but no one will stop it (other than me, because I have emphatically said, 'Unless you were explicitly invited here, or your car ran out of gas in my parking lot, don't show up unannounced.'), so they all just do it and complain about it to each other.

*** SIB

Our family use to be totally guilty of just dropping in. This last Thanksgiving I was in DE and we happen to drive by my aunt's house (not just the neighborhood, but her actual house). I have not been inside in a good 7 years. We just said "hey lets stop in". So we did. Aunt was so happy we did. Only stayed for about 10 minutes. I got a quick look at all her renos (she has lived in the same house or 60 years).

My parents and siblings all live a good distance away from each other. I think 2 hours is the closest any 2 families are near each other. So just dropping in doesn't happen. However my sister has no problem with me calling up and saying "I'm flying in on Thursday June 5, can you picked me up?". It's a given that also means I will need a room at her house. Her kids know that if I'm coming then I get one of the rooms.

My parents have a beach house. My siblings much invites themselves. Granted they are given some notice, but most of us just say "hey we are thinking of coming in for the 4th is that okay". Really what we are saying is "we are coming". They are always "sure".

Just last week a cousin was in the area and just stopped by. My mom was thrilled. Especially since dad is still in China. She likes this cousin checks up on her.

The family story is that my mother's family has enough over-bearing-ethnic-in-your-face-in-your-business crap going on that the 'don't drop by unannounced' rule was instituted by my father early in my parents' marriage when he got out of the shower and went downstairs in just a towel, thinking he was home alone, to get a glass of juice and found my grandmother sitting at the kitchen table reading the newspaper.

kitty8403 · May 2014

I admittedly drop in on the folks unannounced (unless I have good reason to think they need some kind of warning.), but they don't normally do the same, and I would probably think it weird if they did! I live out of town, though, so it's more logical that I would "just happen to be passing by" or have other errands in the area than they would.

lyndausvi · May 2014

We do knock first! No answer means we leave not let ourselves in!!

phira · May 2014

I don't drop by anywhere unannounced. Part of it is that I don't want to waste my time dropping by if someone isn't around, so I usually am checking in to see if they're there first. But most of it is that I would NOT know what to do if someone dropped by unannounced at my apartment.

J is the same way. When the doorbell rings when we're home, we just look at each other like, "MAYBE THEY'LL GO AWAY."

kitty8403 · May 2014

FWIW, we get around some of the random potential busybody-ness by just voluntarily hosting family dinners. Sometimes planned, sometimes not. It's no big deal to call up once in awhile and say hey, have you started cooking yet? Because we have XYZ. Couple hours, food and/or booze in your system, and they're ready to go home and give you your space back.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

Oooohhhh you crack me up. This sounds so much like FMIL... she just has to come see the new rug and visit the dog and look at the new paint! I kind of get it because she has 2 kids who live out of state, and one failure to launch still living at home (plus a child, long story). So our house is the only one she really can drop in on, and I know it makes her proud to see how well we're doing... and FI loves to make her happy so he invites her for things like Super Bowl parties where she's totally out of place among our friends. It's weird.

My mom is like MagicInk's.... gotta swing by to drop off some random thing of mine she found cleaning her house. Really, Mom, I wasn't losing sleep over missing my Tweety Bird sweatshirt from when I was 12, but thanks for driving an hour to bring it to me.

sweetwisconsin · May 2014

I think I would flip out if my FIL's had to come over all the time to "see" stuff. I like to be prepared when I have people over. We only have one bathroom and I am not saying we are messy, but I don't want my FIL's coming over and seeing certain things in our trash or out on the counter. Some things are better left unsaid and unseen. I agree with PP about picking different days that work for you. P.S. This made me laugh like crazy, "making faces and angry elephant/pterodactyl sounds because I am irritated." @hisgirlfriday13 The more and more pieces I pick up here and there about your DH's grandma...the more I want to shake her for you. She sounds horrible.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

sweetwisconsin said:

I think I would flip out if my FIL's had to come over all the time to "see" stuff. I like to be prepared when I have people over. We only have one bathroom and I am not saying we are messy, but I don't want my FIL's coming over and seeing certain things in our trash or out on the counter. Some things are better left unsaid and unseen. I agree with PP about picking different days that work for you. P.S. This made me laugh like crazy, "making faces and angry elephant/pterodactyl sounds because I am irritated." @hisgirlfriday13 The more and more pieces I pick up here and there about your DH's grandma...the more I want to shake her for you. She sounds horrible.

LOL -- thanks! She is a special brand of difficult, I'll give her that.

I aspire to be a novelist, so I should start taking notes so I can make her a character in a novel someday.

lyndausvi · May 2014

It should be noted that my MIL has NEVER, NOT ONE TIME, visited DH anywhere he has lived. Even when invited. Granted DH has lived in some far away places like CA, NOLA, IN, CO (twice) and in the islands. But still, she had never made the effort.

So I have never and doubt will ever experience an in-law drop in.

VENT: FILs have to come see it.

Re: VENT: FILs have to come see it.

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