I'm Baaack!/Asking Dad

chickadeedeedee · March 2010

BF and I just got back to Green Bay after a spontaneous spring break trip to my parents' house. It was nice being home, but it was even better being able to sleep in our own bed last night.

BF went on my dad's nightly 4 mile walk with him the other night as an excuse to bond with him, but also to let out his old-fashioned, traditional side. During this excursion, he asked my dad for permission to marry me, to which my charming father replied, "Didja getter knocked up er somethin?" After he made it clear that I was not "knocked up er somethin," he apparently gave BF a hearty slap on the back and gave him the okay.

How do you feel about this custom? I think it's slightly out-dated in some circles, but very fitting for my small town parents and my traditional upbringing.

Do you want your BF to ask your parents' permission to marry you?
If he already did, how did you feel about it?

hetshup · March 2010

FI asked my dad, I didn't have strong feelings about it, but he (FI) did. I guess that if it's important to someone that's all that matters. Some people will slam you for not being a "modern woman" and him getting permission. I personally don't have any issue with it. But then again, I did come with three goats and a chicken.

noelle24 · March 2010

I personally think it is outdated and anti-feminist. The only person who's permission my FI needs to marry me is mine. Thankfully, my mom felt the same way. I asked her once if she wanted FI to ask her first, and she said "Why should he? I'm not the one marrying him".

I'm more okay with asking for parent's "blessing", but even that irks me a little bit. It's my life and my decision, not my family's.

Edit: That's just how I personally feel. If asking permission works for you and it doesn't have the same connotations for you as it does for me, then more power to you.

chickadeedeedee · March 2010

I guess I should make it clear that I didn't tell him to get permission. I told him that I already knew for a fact that my parents love him like he was their own son, so it wouln't matter either way, but BF didn't feel comfortable proposing without talking to my dad first.

sapphirebaby926 · March 2010

DH didn't ask for my parents permission and I wouldn't have wanted him to. I think it's a really outdated tradition and it would have made me feel like I what I wanted wasn't important.

aperitisa · March 2010

My FI asked both my parents for their blessing. It was really sweet and he even cried (and hes totally NOT a crier). It wasn't important to me but he told me that it was very important to him. And same with my dad. I mean, FI can do no wrong in his book now! There was also the factor of the heirloom diamond that my parents gave us for the e-ring. (which by the way, I still don't have! there was a backup at the designers and they had to start from scratch with the design so we are looking at another week :-( no zip tie anymore (it was starting to cut off my circulation)....instead he bought me a $10 fake ring from kohls. It looks real at first glance!)

katanne9 · March 2010

I would have been upset if my FI had NOT talked to my parents about it beforehand. Not because I need to get their permission, but I do want their blessing. I probably wouldn't marry someone my parents couldn't give their blessing to.

FI took my mom and my dad out to dinner and talked to them about it everything. As we are both very close to our families, they talked about a lot of different things - what the challenges in our relationship may be, our children, future extended family time, etc.

That being said, FI would not have been comfortable proposing without talking to my family beforehand. He also met with both my mom AND my dad, which doesn't seem to common.

jeanacorina · March 2010

FI asked my dad.... something. I'm not clear on whether it was "permission" or "blessing," but it doesn't matter to me. I actually wanted FI to call my grandpa, not my dad. I've had a very rough relationship with my dad for most of my life, and I don't give a flying rat's butt what he thinks or says.

However, my dad did not ask my grandpa for his blessing to marry my mom and I know my grandpa was really disappointed. So, I really wanted FI to ask him, not for me... but for my grandpa.

Of course, FI did not, because apparently he has a hard time wrapping his brain around anything non-traditional. I did call my grandparents before calling my parents after FI proposed, though.

Long story short-- I think it's outdated, but it doesn't matter to me because I do what I want regardless. However, I think it's nice to show respect to people who deserve it.

emmyroo · March 2010

FI kind of "told" my parents that he was going to ask me to marry him. I think he said his exact words were, "So, I bought EmmyRoo a ring. Is it okay if I give it to her?" And of course they were ecstatic. I imagine he would have asked me even if they said no, so it was more like asking for their blessing rather than permission. I was just fine with that. The permission thing I do find to be really antiquated and in certain cases/families, the blessing thing is too. However, for me, I like knowing that my parents support my decisions, and now our (FI and me) decisions. Of course, I would have known that even without FI asking them.

Ana_2985 · March 2010

I/We didn't care either way. I don't think it was necessary for us. We already knew my family liked FI and my family already knew we were planning on getting married. If they didn't approve of our relationship or wouldn't give it their blessing they would have told me long before we started considering marriage.

It does seem kind of silly to me. Maybe I just don't get it. I don't care if other people do it though.

bsidebella · March 2010

My boyfriend was going to officially propose in January. He decided he wanted to ask my mother for permission first (since my father passed away). Everyone - his parents, his older sister, his great-aunt who made the ring, his friends - told him not to do it, and to just pop the question. We're adults, after all. But he was stubborn and decided to do it anyway.

Basically, my mother laughed in his face and said, "No way. Absolutely not." Apparently she thought getting engaged before I graduate was the worst possible idea. She thought I would be "distracted."

Needless to say, his parents, his sister, etc. all told him he was an "idiot" for asking permission first. His great-aunt was the most angered about it! "She's a grown woman, her mother has no say in this!" she ranted to him.

So...based on that personal experience, I'm against the "asking permission" thing. Because they can say "no"!

bajediva · March 2010

family is paramount on both BF's & my priority list, so having my mom on board is important to me. once we knew we were serious about wanting to get married, we brought up the prospect with my mom. working out the timing & logistics is a bit complicated, since we're currently in different countries, so i wanted her support even before we get engaged.

but it's definitely not a permission issue. she's known him as long as i have, & his family for eons (she was actually his mom's bridesmaid), so our families are already very familiar. i dont know if he'll talk to her again before he actually asks, but we already know we have both our family's blessing.

Button5807 · March 2010

My dad asked my mothers extremely intimidating permission to marry my mother back in the day.

20 or so years later after raising a family of his own (me and my brother) he asked my step mothers father's blessing before they got officially engaged.

So I know it's something that's very important to him. I actually kind of like the idea of bf asking my father b/c I am a completely daddy's girl. But I've already told him that there is a big difference (to me) in asking for permission (duh we've lived together for almost 3 years...if he didn't like you I'd already know) and blessing. It would mean a lot to me if he asked, especially since there's not much else I actually REALLY want in terms of tradition and what not.

tiffersnc · March 2010

My FI asked my mom, dad and little brother, actually. I wouldn't have had it any other way, and neither would my FI. We're both pretty traditional in that sense ... and my mom would have lost it if FI hadn't asked first. He asked my brother because my bro was kind of the man of the house and feels entitled to that kind of stuff, lol.

I don't think it's outdated, personally ... at least not for my social circle and community. If Daddy is going to walk me down the aisle and give me away to my FI, my FI should at least make sure he's going to be happy about it.

Just my two cents.

bella3609 · March 2010

I have no problem with it. I'm a little old-fashioned that way. Of course, BF will have to speak to my dad about it at some point - my grandmother left her her wedding ring, which we're using as an engagement ring, and which my dad has been holding on to while I rent apartments in semi-secure buildings. And... so I don't prance around with it on my hand every single night.

loopy82 · March 2010

My FI asked my dad. I did not find it at all necessary for him to do that. I have the attitude that I am an adult and I don't need my parents permission to do anything. My dad and FI get along supremely well and my dad is incredibly laid back and on the day that FI asked my dad knew that is what he was doing. Over the course of 3.5 years we may have discussed if it was important or not, but I do not recall a specific converstion. FI knows how I am and how my family is.

KD+BC · March 2010

I think that if it's important to the girl or her father, then the guy should ask. Personally, I did not want my FI to ask because I see it as being outdated and I get to make that decision for myself. My dad is very liberal and would have responded something like, "I'm not the one you should be asking."

I was extremely happy when FI proposed because no one knew he was going to do it. He didn't tell anyone. I loved the fact that no one knew before me that he was going to propose to me.

The next morning, when we told my parents, my dad slapped FI on the back and said, "I'm so happy for you, good job!"

Mrs.Masie · March 2010

In my parents culture the guy is supposed to ask the brother of the father (my uncle). My uncle is supposed to basically be the go between. In other words, my BF is not supposed to go directly to my father to ask permission. It's considered disrespectful to speak directly to the father.
And on top of that, someone is supposed to ask on behalf of the BF, they call it a delegation. It can be anyone the guy chooses, usually somoene he trusts deeply, who is a bit older than him, so they hold a bit of weight when talking to an older person like my uncle. He basically sends this guy to speak to the girls uncle who then speaks to the father of the girl.
And this is JUST the beginning of the sometimes months long process a couple goes through before they get married.

tafft1 · March 2010

If my mom had been alive i think FI would have asked her , as he knows what she meant to me. my father never took interest in my life and quite frankly didn't care for me so would have meant nothing. i'm definitely old fashioned and enjoy hearing the different points of views , it is very interesting

Tennis Chick · March 2010

I had never thought twice about it until my (now ex fi) said he had asked my father's permission.....in a 3 minute phone call..... Honestly it made me feel like a piece of meat....or like a highschooler asking for permission..what if the father says no? IMO parents give their 'blessing/permission' when they "give you away" at the begining of the ceremony. To eat their own though. If you're ok with it thats all that matters.

StephB1185 · March 2010

I always thought it would be sweet of my BF to ask my dad/parents for their blessing (when I was little). But now, with my dad not accepting our relationship and barely speaking with me - it's pretty much out of the question. My mom has basically given us her blessing by already offering to help plan and pay, etc. which is GREAT! It would have been cool, but, not necessary anymore, to me.

zipis1 · March 2010

I've had to tell bf that under no circumstances is he to ask my dad for anything, be it permission or blessing. I personally think it's a very outdated tradition and I would be furious if bf asked my dad first (especially if he just asked my dad and not my mom too. That just is too strongly attached to the whole "women are the property of their father til marriage" thing). The only person he needs to ask is me.

Of course, there is a lot of instability between my dad and I at the moment, so that doesn't help. But I would feel this way regardless.

That said, if it works for you, it works for you.

yellowroseFRA · March 2010

I definitely do not want BF to ask my dad, and this has absolutely nothing to do with my relationship with my dad - I get the feeling sometimes that if you say you'd rather your BF not ask, it somehow reflects on your closeness to your father, which isn't always the case. I love my dad and we are very close, and I am sure my relationship with him would be alot worse if there was any sort of "property" idea - and I value that as an adult, my dad trusts me to pick a good guy. I agree with Zipis, I'd never want to be handed over symbolically between men, regardless of how attached I am to my dad. It's the same for me with the "who gives this woman in marriage" question - I'd never want that said, because there shouldn't be any question of giving. I know this might feel too radically feminist for some people, but for me, I don't hold with any traditions that imply that a marriage is anything other than a union of choice between two equally adult people.

oceana919 · March 2010

When FI and I initially started talking about marriage, he knew it was important to me for him to ask for my parent's blessing. Call me traditional and out-dated, but I liked the idea of him talking to my parents, telling them how he felt about me, and asking them for their blessing...I felt it shows that he respects my relationship with my parents and me as a person. Mind you, we both knew, as two grown adults, we were getting engaged regardless of what my parents had to say, but it was nice to know that that conversation had taken place and that they gave us their wholehearted blessing.

chosen175 · March 2010

My FI didn't ask my dad a dang thing - but he knew my dad was on my sh!t list and we weren't really getting along. To me, there's no need to ask for permission, since I'm an adult and I make my own decisions. Now, if I were 16 or something, then yeah - ask for permission. But I was 32 years old, and my dad has no control over me. Plus, if my dad had said no, FI still would have proposed and I still would have said yes so it's kind of pointless IMO.

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