VENT: FILs have to come see it.

KatieinBkln · May 2014

Yeah, that's odd. I think it might be borne of a sweet desire to "make sure the house is okay" but I'm sure it can feel like, "so how good of a housekeeper are you? Hm, that's an interesting paint choice." Agreed with everyone who suggested boundary-drawing.

Mine is not much of a "drop in" family, which is nice. I am also glad I live 1,000 miles away from the nearest family member, not because I don't miss them, but because I AM messy. I admit it, it's real. Anyone who wants to judge my housekeeping is fucking welcome, because I judge it too...as long as they give equal blame to FI, who is just as bad! Luckily we tend to get fed up with ourselves right about the same time. (Doesn't mean I don't want to hire cleaners, though. Someday...)

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

Edit: removed. Wrong thread. Posted on correct thread. My bad.

You saw what I posted above here.

lyndausvi · May 2014

pinkshorts27 said:

I lived with FI this summer and it was an adjustment. He may feel like he has no say and is rebelling.

I would be frustrated with him. After discussion, FI and I figured out that I need to divvy out chores. When I ask him to do something (always a request, never an order) I give him a timeline I am expecting it done by and then he feels in control. We negotiate if he has something he wants to do instead or if he needs more time or if noticed I slacked on my chores. A few examples:

-"Hey honey, I cooked tonight and just want to relax, can you do dishes tonight?"
-"Hey, yard needs done. I was planning on doing the bathroom, can you rake by the end of the weekend?"

I think this is his problem and a couple problem. I think he needs to adjust his attitude and priorities, but you can probably approach it differently. But you need to figure out what works for you.

** SIB

Wrong thread?

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

lyndausvi said:

pinkshorts27 said:

I lived with FI this summer and it was an adjustment. He may feel like he has no say and is rebelling.

I would be frustrated with him. After discussion, FI and I figured out that I need to divvy out chores. When I ask him to do something (always a request, never an order) I give him a timeline I am expecting it done by and then he feels in control. We negotiate if he has something he wants to do instead or if he needs more time or if noticed I slacked on my chores. A few examples:

-"Hey honey, I cooked tonight and just want to relax, can you do dishes tonight?"
-"Hey, yard needs done. I was planning on doing the bathroom, can you rake by the end of the weekend?"

I think this is his problem and a couple problem. I think he needs to adjust his attitude and priorities, but you can probably approach it differently. But you need to figure out what works for you.

** SIB

Wrong thread?

lyndausvi yes, I'm an idiot. Sorry!

erinlin25 · May 2014

my MIL is the same way and it drives us crazy! Thank god H is good at telling her no and now the control has gotten better.   H is the oldest of 4, FIL passed away years ago and MIL has never dated/remarried, etc. so her children are her everything--especially H. I was very worried early on that I would be #2 to MIL, but luckily H is not that crazy and set his boundaries early on. I know if I ever get irritated with MIL over-stepping I can share that frustration with H and he will back me up.

   I agree you need to set boundaries and it is OK to say no. However, every once in awhile you need to put on your happy face and allow her to come over. At least they do not come over unannounced. Maybe invite them to dinner once a month or every other month-- we do family dinners every other weekend for the most part and rotate whose house we are at--ours/MIL/BIL, etc.

We lived with MIL for 2 years while starting a business, so let me tell you house hunting and preparing to move was a fun ordeal. She had to see every single house we were interested in, and always found a reason why it was not good for us (it was usually was too small for our future children...) She would then look at houses outside our budget and try to pull the I'll give you the extra money so you can afford a bigger house-- no thank you, we are happy with our budget.   We finally stopped sharing info with her, and eventually just chose a house and signed the papers before we even told her about it. "So surprise, we are moving, yay--come check it out." I know she was urked, but it is what it is and there was no reason for her to involved.

MIL gifted us a washer/dryer after the move (which was a fun exchange on its own) but we finally got them and she calls saying she wants to see them set up!? So I feel you...and no she did not come over just to see them, we played "you will see them next weekend when you come over for dinner."

mrsmorales2be · May 2014

This is why I'm soooo glad that, once FI and I are married, we'll be hours away from either of our families. The closest family? My super awesome brother - still 2 hrs away. He could be closer if he wanted, though.

beethery · May 2014

erinlin25 said:

my MIL is the same way and it drives us crazy! Thank god H is good at telling her no and now the control has gotten better.   H is the oldest of 4, FIL passed away years ago and MIL has never dated/remarried, etc. so her children are her everything--especially H. I was very worried early on that I would be #2 to MIL, but luckily H is not that crazy and set his boundaries early on. I know if I ever get irritated with MIL over-stepping I can share that frustration with H and he will back me up.

   I agree you need to set boundaries and it is OK to say no. However, every once in awhile you need to put on your happy face and allow her to come over. At least they do not come over unannounced. Maybe invite them to dinner once a month or every other month-- we do family dinners every other weekend for the most part and rotate whose house we are at--ours/MIL/BIL, etc.

We lived with MIL for 2 years while starting a business, so let me tell you house hunting and preparing to move was a fun ordeal. She had to see every single house we were interested in, and always found a reason why it was not good for us (it was usually was too small for our future children...) She would then look at houses outside our budget and try to pull the I'll give you the extra money so you can afford a bigger house-- no thank you, we are happy with our budget.   We finally stopped sharing info with her, and eventually just chose a house and signed the papers before we even told her about it. "So surprise, we are moving, yay--come check it out." I know she was urked, but it is what it is and there was no reason for her to involved.

MIL gifted us a washer/dryer after the move (which was a fun exchange on its own) but we finally got them and she calls saying she wants to see them set up!? So I feel you...and no she did not come over just to see them, we played "you will see them next weekend when you come over for dinner."

LADY YOU PICKED THEM OUT, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY LOOK LIKE!!!!!!

You handled it like a pro.

ktjanesmom · May 2014

If its just once a month or so I dont see the problem. Saying they need to see something in particular is probably just an excuse to visit. When I was married I had to see my FIL about every day, several times a day some days. My x husband was/is a farmer and they worked together so there didnt seem to be any time of day that was off limits for a visit. Early mornings before we were up, meal times, bed times, anytime. Sometimes I felt as though we had no privacy. My x husband was never bothered by the visits. I blame this for the breakdown of our marriage. At least partly. Be happy its just once a month.

mysticl · May 2014

There is a couple in my family who likes to just drop in on people. They don't live in the same town, they may not even live in the same state. They just get it in their head to hit the road and will show up 500 miles away in your driveway with their camper. They say it's so you won't go through any trouble on their account. However, the wife expects everything to be spotless and no one else in the family lives up to her standards of housekeeping unless they have a few days notice.

Since we have all been in the same boat with them at some point in time we give each other a head's up if we can. If someone knows they are on the move they post it on Facebook (the couple in question does not have Facebook). If they leave your house and mention they are on the way to see someone else you give that person a call so they have a least a couple of hours warning.

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

mysticl said:

There is a couple in my family who likes to just drop in on people. They don't live in the same town, they may not even live in the same state. They just get it in their head to hit the road and will show up 500 miles away in your driveway with their camper. They say it's so you won't go through any trouble on their account. However, the wife expects everything to be spotless and no one else in the family lives up to her standards of housekeeping unless they have a few days notice.

Since we have all been in the same boat with them at some point in time we give each other a head's up if we can. If someone knows they are on the move they post it on Facebook (the couple in question does not have Facebook). If they leave your house and mention they are on the way to see someone else you give that person a call so they have a least a couple of hours warning.

Oh god, this is horrible. I would stop hosting them. Like straight up say I had plans, lock my door and leave. "Oh, Sally this was the weekend I was having a girl's night at Jane's and unfortunately DH had plans with his guys. Maybe if we had a bit of warning we could have made time."

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

pinkshorts27 said:

mysticl said:

There is a couple in my family who likes to just drop in on people. They don't live in the same town, they may not even live in the same state. They just get it in their head to hit the road and will show up 500 miles away in your driveway with their camper. They say it's so you won't go through any trouble on their account. However, the wife expects everything to be spotless and no one else in the family lives up to her standards of housekeeping unless they have a few days notice.

Since we have all been in the same boat with them at some point in time we give each other a head's up if we can. If someone knows they are on the move they post it on Facebook (the couple in question does not have Facebook). If they leave your house and mention they are on the way to see someone else you give that person a call so they have a least a couple of hours warning.

Oh god, this is horrible. I would stop hosting them. Like straight up say I had plans, lock my door and leave. "Oh, Sally this was the weekend I was having a girl's night at Jane's and unfortunately DH had plans with his guys. Maybe if we had a bit of warning we could have made time."

This is actually EXACTLY what Miss Manners suggests doing. I love it.

KatieinBkln · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

pinkshorts27 said:

mysticl said:

There is a couple in my family who likes to just drop in on people. They don't live in the same town, they may not even live in the same state. They just get it in their head to hit the road and will show up 500 miles away in your driveway with their camper. They say it's so you won't go through any trouble on their account. However, the wife expects everything to be spotless and no one else in the family lives up to her standards of housekeeping unless they have a few days notice.

Since we have all been in the same boat with them at some point in time we give each other a head's up if we can. If someone knows they are on the move they post it on Facebook (the couple in question does not have Facebook). If they leave your house and mention they are on the way to see someone else you give that person a call so they have a least a couple of hours warning.

Oh god, this is horrible. I would stop hosting them. Like straight up say I had plans, lock my door and leave. "Oh, Sally this was the weekend I was having a girl's night at Jane's and unfortunately DH had plans with his guys. Maybe if we had a bit of warning we could have made time."

This is actually EXACTLY what Miss Manners suggests doing. I love it.

Miss Manners is such a righteous dude. I love her.

Also, this sounds HORRIFYING. I would seriously not let them inside. I would claim my bathroom, living room, and kitchen were all under construction and point them to the most disgusting, bland chain restaurant down the road. It's one thing to "drop in," but then to throw shade because the people who didn't know you were coming don't keep their house "company ready" at all times? That is some fuckery.

climbingsingle · May 2014

I think this is weird. Like, really, really weird. You see them all the time, but they feel the need to come into your house and check things out? Are they concerned you're using the toaster while in the bathtub? Are they checking for bed bugs?

Seriously though, this would super annoy me. I would feel like I'm being checked up on and I don't like that.

My parents live in PA (90 minutes away) and FI's parents live in Florida. Neither of them can pop-in. My parents will always call and make plans to go out to dinner. They never invite themselves over.

beethery · May 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I think this is weird. Like, really, really weird. You see them all the time, but they feel the need to come into your house and check things out? Are they concerned you're using the toaster while in the bathtub? Are they checking for bed bugs?

Seriously though, this would super annoy me. I would feel like I'm being checked up on and I don't like that.
My parents live in PA (90 minutes away) and FI's parents live in Florida. Neither of them can pop-in. My parents will always call and make plans to go out to dinner. They never invite themselves over.

I honestly fucking wonder if that's what they're doing. I don't understand this NEEEED TO COME OVER TO THE HOUUUUUSSSEEE AND SEE IT and like make sure we haven't started keeping chickens in the house or summoning the devil or taken to eating dirt or whatever. I wish they'd just asked if we wanted to get dinner this weekend like normal people.

I get that they don't see FI as much as they see me but... they still see him just about every weekend. The weird thing is that they don't do this to FBIL/FSIL.

Wait, I just figured that out. They don't do this to FBIL/FSIL because FSIL's huge shitty family guilts her into hosting things at her house for them so that they don't have to buy food, cook it, host them, and clean up afterward. If you don't want to run into her fam at any given moment, you don't go to their house.

Maybe I need to convince my mom's shitty family to move out here. No, that would mean I'd have to interact with them. Not worth it.

beethery · May 2014

mysticl said:

There is a couple in my family who likes to just drop in on people. They don't live in the same town, they may not even live in the same state. They just get it in their head to hit the road and will show up 500 miles away in your driveway with their camper. They say it's so you won't go through any trouble on their account. However, the wife expects everything to be spotless and no one else in the family lives up to her standards of housekeeping unless they have a few days notice.

Since we have all been in the same boat with them at some point in time we give each other a head's up if we can. If someone knows they are on the move they post it on Facebook (the couple in question does not have Facebook). If they leave your house and mention they are on the way to see someone else you give that person a call so they have a least a couple of hours warning.

I would consider emptying a dumpster into my home worth it if it made that lady never show up at my house again.

Also, you know who else would drive a crazy distance and show up UNANNOUNCED with a camper? This guy and his family:

You show up at my house in a camper, I'm gonna tow it to the RV park in the next town over and put it on your card. All bets would be off, I'd pitch a fucking fit.

beethery · May 2014

Oh this is fun. They are coming over today, but will not give a time that they are showing up.

Yay FILs. You guys are fucking rad.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

beethery said:

Oh this is fun. They are coming over today, but will not give a time that they are showing up.

Yay FILs. You guys are fucking rad.

Can you be not home?

Or can you be having sex and therefore unable to answer the door?

Because it's rude enough to have to come over to see the house. Refusing to specify a time on top of that is just adding to the rudeness clusterfuck.

beethery · May 2014

I'm not sure if I'm going to be home when they show up because I have no idea what time they're coming. All they've told FI is "afternoon." He is out running errands.

If they beat both of us home, maybe they'll just let themselves in, have a dance party, help themselves to the booze, and mosey out before we get home. Maybe they'll just drive past after seeing that the house is still present. I have no idea.

I don't get home til 4:45. I just want some vodka and pizza.

Inkdancer · May 2014

Ugh. Are you me?

This morning my mom called me and casually mentioned that she'd be dropping by at 6, and bringing a realtor with her. UM WHAT. Okay, I know you're selling it when we move, but can you give me more than 8 hours' notice please?

The best part about moving is that she won't have a key to my house anymore. Sweet Yeezus on a pogo stick.

beethery · May 2014

Inkdancer said:

Ugh. Are you me?

This morning my mom called me and casually mentioned that she'd be dropping by at 6, and bringing a realtor with her. UM WHAT. Okay, I know you're selling it when we move, but can you give me more than 8 hours' notice please?

The best part about moving is that she won't have a key to my house anymore. Sweet Yeezus on a pogo stick.

It's going to be a great day if we ever move OOS.

mysticl · May 2014

pinkshorts27 said:

mysticl said:

There is a couple in my family who likes to just drop in on people. They don't live in the same town, they may not even live in the same state. They just get it in their head to hit the road and will show up 500 miles away in your driveway with their camper. They say it's so you won't go through any trouble on their account. However, the wife expects everything to be spotless and no one else in the family lives up to her standards of housekeeping unless they have a few days notice.

Since we have all been in the same boat with them at some point in time we give each other a head's up if we can. If someone knows they are on the move they post it on Facebook (the couple in question does not have Facebook). If they leave your house and mention they are on the way to see someone else you give that person a call so they have a least a couple of hours warning.

Oh god, this is horrible. I would stop hosting them. Like straight up say I had plans, lock my door and leave. "Oh, Sally this was the weekend I was having a girl's night at Jane's and unfortunately DH had plans with his guys. Maybe if we had a bit of warning we could have made time."

It wouldn't work. For one thing they usually bring their camper so they don't need to be let in, they'll still be around when you get back. For another this has been going on for decades (longer than I have been alive), the behavior isn't going to change. So it's become one of those weird family quirks some people have. Three of us were having a Facebook discussion about it one night and the person who's wall the discussion was taking place on had friends who were just amazed and weren't sure if we were telling the truth. We one up each other with our stories.

mysticl · May 2014

flantastic said:

mysticl said:

There is a couple in my family who likes to just drop in on people. They don't live in the same town, they may not even live in the same state. They just get it in their head to hit the road and will show up 500 miles away in your driveway with their camper. They say it's so you won't go through any trouble on their account. However, the wife expects everything to be spotless and no one else in the family lives up to her standards of housekeeping unless they have a few days notice.

Since we have all been in the same boat with them at some point in time we give each other a head's up if we can. If someone knows they are on the move they post it on Facebook (the couple in question does not have Facebook). If they leave your house and mention they are on the way to see someone else you give that person a call so they have a least a couple of hours warning.

It's good that the rest of your family looks out for one another. What's your strategy if you get the call? Try to clean, or decide to go out for a while?

Tent the place and claim termites.

I have done the 3 hour scramble to clean before. You would be amazed what you can jam into a closet. The once showed up at a house that was empty. They knew where the kid went to school and drove over there to intercept her on her way home (she was a walker).

alpacalunch · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

beethery said:

Oh this is fun. They are coming over today, but will not give a time that they are showing up.

Yay FILs. You guys are fucking rad.

Can you be not home?

Or can you be having sex and therefore unable to answer the door?

Because it's rude enough to have to come over to see the house. Refusing to specify a time on top of that is just adding to the rudeness clusterfuck.

SITB

My FI used to be like these folks. Moved away, went to 'pop in' to see his parents. Gave them the day, no time. They were, what's the term? En flagrante? Yeah, there's a picture burned into his brain, and a couch he will never sit on ever again. Plus side, he learned his lesson.

beethery · May 2014

mysticl said:

flantastic said:

mysticl said:

There is a couple in my family who likes to just drop in on people. They don't live in the same town, they may not even live in the same state. They just get it in their head to hit the road and will show up 500 miles away in your driveway with their camper. They say it's so you won't go through any trouble on their account. However, the wife expects everything to be spotless and no one else in the family lives up to her standards of housekeeping unless they have a few days notice.

Since we have all been in the same boat with them at some point in time we give each other a head's up if we can. If someone knows they are on the move they post it on Facebook (the couple in question does not have Facebook). If they leave your house and mention they are on the way to see someone else you give that person a call so they have a least a couple of hours warning.

It's good that the rest of your family looks out for one another. What's your strategy if you get the call? Try to clean, or decide to go out for a while?

Tent the place and claim termites.

I have done the 3 hour scramble to clean before. You would be amazed what you can jam into a closet. The once showed up at a house that was empty. They knew where the kid went to school and drove over there to intercept her on her way home (she was a walker).

Family or not, I would be super creeped out.

mysticl · May 2014

beethery said:

mysticl said:

flantastic said:

mysticl said:

There is a couple in my family who likes to just drop in on people. They don't live in the same town, they may not even live in the same state. They just get it in their head to hit the road and will show up 500 miles away in your driveway with their camper. They say it's so you won't go through any trouble on their account. However, the wife expects everything to be spotless and no one else in the family lives up to her standards of housekeeping unless they have a few days notice.

Since we have all been in the same boat with them at some point in time we give each other a head's up if we can. If someone knows they are on the move they post it on Facebook (the couple in question does not have Facebook). If they leave your house and mention they are on the way to see someone else you give that person a call so they have a least a couple of hours warning.

It's good that the rest of your family looks out for one another. What's your strategy if you get the call? Try to clean, or decide to go out for a while?

Tent the place and claim termites.

I have done the 3 hour scramble to clean before. You would be amazed what you can jam into a closet. The once showed up at a house that was empty. They knew where the kid went to school and drove over there to intercept her on her way home (she was a walker).

Family or not, I would be super creeped out.

Stuck in the box.

Really? You'd be creeped out if a relative you loved dearly and who was your legal guardian should your parents die, and who you had stayed with for a while, picked you up on your way home from school? This was a close relationship, not some 5th cousin once removed who she had met once.

beethery · May 2014

FILs left a little while ago. They got here before I did.

Their primary reason for coming over was to see the new basement door we put in. This weekend, when they mentioned that to FI, he told them (in disbelief), "It looks like a door." I think he should've told them to go to Home Depot and look. It was ridiculous.

So they traipsed upstairs and checked out our new bed (covered in laundry because FI was folding), and looked at my desk that I got for Christmas. The desk they have already seen. Twice.

Shit's fucking absurd. I told FI when we do any more upgrades to the house, I don't want to tell them about it because it warrants them inviting themselves over to fucking check it out. I would be happy to invite them over for dinner or whatever, but all this bullshit to come over and look at the door and then mosey up to our fucking bedroom and look around is obnoxious and I am fucking OVER IT.

I have a migraine, and I need some damn pizza. FI better pull into the driveway being chased by police cars for speeding back with it like he was some kind of drug runner. Pizza will feel like heroin right now.

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

mysticl said:

beethery said:

mysticl said:

flantastic said:

mysticl said:

There is a couple in my family who likes to just drop in on people. They don't live in the same town, they may not even live in the same state. They just get it in their head to hit the road and will show up 500 miles away in your driveway with their camper. They say it's so you won't go through any trouble on their account. However, the wife expects everything to be spotless and no one else in the family lives up to her standards of housekeeping unless they have a few days notice.

Since we have all been in the same boat with them at some point in time we give each other a head's up if we can. If someone knows they are on the move they post it on Facebook (the couple in question does not have Facebook). If they leave your house and mention they are on the way to see someone else you give that person a call so they have a least a couple of hours warning.

It's good that the rest of your family looks out for one another. What's your strategy if you get the call? Try to clean, or decide to go out for a while?

Tent the place and claim termites.

I have done the 3 hour scramble to clean before. You would be amazed what you can jam into a closet. The once showed up at a house that was empty. They knew where the kid went to school and drove over there to intercept her on her way home (she was a walker).

Family or not, I would be super creeped out.

Stuck in the box.

Really? You'd be creeped out if a relative you loved dearly and who was your legal guardian should your parents die, and who you had stayed with for a while, picked you up on your way home from school? This was a close relationship, not some 5th cousin once removed who she had met once.

from previous comments, I don't think that we could have inferred that you were that close to the relative.

beethery · May 2014

Really? You'd be creeped out if a relative you loved dearly and who was your legal guardian should your parents die, and who you had stayed with for a while, picked you up on your way home from school? This was a close relationship, not some 5th cousin once removed who she had met once.

I did not know they had a very close relationship to the point of being the kid's legal guardian should the parents die.

Just in the context of relatives who will show up unannounced in a camper came and picked my kid up on her way home without telling anybody? Yes, I'd be weirded out.

mysticl · May 2014

beethery said:

Really? You'd be creeped out if a relative you loved dearly and who was your legal guardian should your parents die, and who you had stayed with for a while, picked you up on your way home from school? This was a close relationship, not some 5th cousin once removed who she had met once.
I did not know they had a very close relationship to the point of being the kid's legal guardian should the parents die.

Just in the context of relatives who will show up unannounced in a camper came and picked my kid up on her way home without telling anybody? Yes, I'd be weirded out.

Ok, a little more detail. She was a teenager and went home to an empty house everyday. They picked her up because they knew she had the key to the house on her and figured they'd save her the walk rather than waiting on the porch for her. They took her straight home, it's not like they took her somewhere else and the parents didn't know where she was.

beethery · May 2014

@mysticl that makes much more sense lol

All I could picture was a pre-teen walking home and getting picked up by relatives that she only vaguely knows. That would be sketchy.

VENT: FILs have to come see it.

Re: VENT: FILs have to come see it.

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