Who do I have to invite to my wedding: a guide

ride0rdie · May 2014

AddieCake said:

cunexttime said:

itslizzyC said:
@cunexttime‌ IMO if you included some second cousins you should extend the invite to all of them. You don't want them to be disappointed when they figure out you invited some but not others.
Ok so its not gift grabby to invite second cousins I haven't seen in 15 years?

If I were your 2nd cousin who you hadn't seen in 15 years, I would assume you wanted my gift. I just don't get inviting people to your wedding you are not in regular contact with.

Good. This keeps my guestlist shorter.

JCbride2015 · May 2014

mrshutzler said:

itslizzyC said:

So one of my bridesmaids is 15 and just started dating this boy, and would like to invite him to the wedding. My FI & I don't like the idea of this because 10 years from now we don't want to look at our pictures and see this random boy in our pictures. Is this incredibly rude? Plus it's just another person to add to our already huge guest list (300+). My FMIL (her mom) doesn't think it's appropriate for him to attend either. What are your thoughts?

TBH, I met my husband when I was 17- a minor. Kids can be more serious about relationships than you think. If you're already inviting 300+ people, why not invite your bridesmaid's boyfriend? If they break up, he won't be the only ex in your photos. If that's the only reason holding you back, I would invite him. It would be different if it was a small, family affair with only 50 or so people. Ageism against teens is not cool. Their relationships are important to them and shouldn't be taken so lightly.

Ehhhh I met my Fi when I was 15, and I wouldn't have been offended not to be invited to a family wedding while we were both still in high school. There has to be a cutoff somewhere.

On the other hand, he was invited solo to a family wedding when we were in college-- I think he was 20 and I was 18, dating three years. He was offended he was included on his parents' invite like a child, and we were both offended that I was not invited. It still stings when I think about it.

PrincessOfHavoc · May 2014

Yay. My BSC sister is back to wanting to bring a random bed buddy. No. Hell no. It's not someone she actually knows, it's whatever stranger she hooks up with the night before. That's a random guest. Three bucks says she'd forget his name in a week, if she even knows it.

I'm a judgemental bitch. And proud of it. I'm about to just not invite her. Dad thinks that's actually a good idea. Mom is turning over in her grave. Damn family drama llamas. And I'm just as much of one, I know. But, we know exactly how she'll behave and it won't be pretty.

alexandmike2014 · May 2014

Very good advice! This is my problem: How do I explain to ppl who expect to be invited that we are doing something very small and not able to invite them?

We never wanted a big wedding, we do not like being the center of attention, nor do we want to plan one. Our budget is very small and we do not have that family member or friend who has a big house to host a backyard bbq. We have been together for 8 years and just want to have something simple and within our budget. We have had many friends and family members whose weddings we have been to or in- we are kinda the last lol.

After we became engaged our guest list quickly rose to about 150 people- there is no way we can afford something like this and again this is not something we want. How do we make people (distant family, friends, and co-workers) understand that we are only inviting about 30 people- just immediate family and friends?

Thank you for any input!

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

alexandmike2014 said:

Very good advice! This is my problem: How do I explain to ppl who expect to be invited that we are doing something very small and not able to invite them?

We never wanted a big wedding, we do not like being the center of attention, nor do we want to plan one. Our budget is very small and we do not have that family member or friend who has a big house to host a backyard bbq. We have been together for 8 years and just want to have something simple and within our budget. We have had many friends and family members whose weddings we have been to or in- we are kinda the last lol.

After we became engaged our guest list quickly rose to about 150 people- there is no way we can afford something like this and again this is not something we want. How do we make people (distant family, friends, and co-workers) understand that we are only inviting about 30 people- just immediate family and friends?

Thank you for any input!

Don't talk about the wedding to people who aren't invited. If people ask, just say that you haven't finalized the guest list yet but you are keeping the event very small and unfortunately you are not able to invite everyone you want. Then bean dip them (aka change the subject and don't bring up your wedding again).

GuitarSlayer · May 2014

alexandmike2014 said:

Very good advice! This is my problem: How do I explain to ppl who expect to be invited that we are doing something very small and not able to invite them?

We never wanted a big wedding, we do not like being the center of attention, nor do we want to plan one. Our budget is very small and we do not have that family member or friend who has a big house to host a backyard bbq. We have been together for 8 years and just want to have something simple and within our budget. We have had many friends and family members whose weddings we have been to or in- we are kinda the last lol.

After we became engaged our guest list quickly rose to about 150 people- there is no way we can afford something like this and again this is not something we want. How do we make people (distant family, friends, and co-workers) understand that we are only inviting about 30 people- just immediate family and friends?

Thank you for any input!

Similar situation -- we tallied up just our initial ring of consanguinity (first cousins + their kids if applicable) and hit 50. We have about 50 mutual friends between us -- not even including their partners -- and let's not start with our friends that aren't mutual. We're going to stick to 20 and under. Be open about the fact that the wedding is going to be small and intimate -- and define "intimate," because some venues think 200 is "intimate." Manage expectations if asked, don't bring it up at all if they aren't invited.

alexandmike2014 · May 2014

Thanks for the advice!

krystalandchad · May 2014

So I am currently struggling with this issue. FI's mom had asked about inviting some of her work friends and we never gave her a difinitive answer, so she assumed it was ok and told them. We haven't even had the invites printed. Since we are to the point of ordering them now, I am trying to finalize the guest list and there just isn't room for them, none of whom we even know. His parents are paying for the cake and invitations, all totaling less than $1,000. How do I tell her there just isn't room for these guests?

huskypuppy14 · May 2014

krystalandchad said:

So I am currently struggling with this issue. FI's mom had asked about inviting some of her work friends and we never gave her a difinitive answer, so she assumed it was ok and told them. We haven't even had the invites printed. Since we are to the point of ordering them now, I am trying to finalize the guest list and there just isn't room for them, none of whom we even know. His parents are paying for the cake and invitations, all totaling less than $1,000. How do I tell her there just isn't room for these guests?

This is your mom's problem to fix. She needs to tell these people she spoke out of turn and it wasn't her place to invite them.

pinkshorts27 · May 2014

krystalandchad said:

So I am currently struggling with this issue. FI's mom had asked about inviting some of her work friends and we never gave her a difinitive answer, so she assumed it was ok and told them. We haven't even had the invites printed. Since we are to the point of ordering them now, I am trying to finalize the guest list and there just isn't room for them, none of whom we even know. His parents are paying for the cake and invitations, all totaling less than $1,000. How do I tell her there just isn't room for these guests?

Say "Hey mom, I wish you wouldn't have told anyone they were invited as we hadn't finalized the guest list. We hadn't give you an answer because we weren't sure we would have room. As it turns out, we don't have room. I'm sorry but they are not going to be invited"

Amonite · June 2014

Good advice, though I disagree on the 'established couples' bit.

It is good to always invite spouses (as they are now 'one', so to speak).

It is also nice to invite engaged couples -if you have room-. It's also good to invite fiances of the bridal party. If you invite a fiance of one guest (non-bridal party) you should invite the fiances of all guests.

However, 'significant others' are a different story, whether they've been dating for three months or three years. You can invite them as a normal guest if you know them, make a general +1 policy for all guests, invite only the significant others of the bridal party, or invite none at all! It is not rude to not invite significant others. Hopefully, you can come up with a seating arrangement that allows everyone to sit by at least a few people they know. I have known many long term couples that later broke up - but more importantly this is a day about the bride, two families becoming one, celebrating with friends and family, etc. No bride should feel she has to sacrifice friends or family because a guest will 'suffer' without their SO. Guests should come because they want to see their friend/family get married, not because it's a good "date night". If two people are two the point where they have to absolutely do everything together or its torture, then they should get engaged. I know many brides who held an 'engaged/married only' policy, that isn't rude.

NYCBruin · June 2014

Amonite said:

Good advice, though I disagree on the 'established couples' bit.

It is good to always invite spouses (as they are now 'one', so to speak).

It is also nice to invite engaged couples -if you have room-. It's also good to invite fiances of the bridal party. If you invite a fiance of one guest (non-bridal party) you should invite the fiances of all guests.

However, 'significant others' are a different story, whether they've been dating for three months or three years. You can invite them as a normal guest if you know them, make a general +1 policy for all guests, invite only the significant others of the bridal party, or invite none at all! It is not rude to not invite significant others. Hopefully, you can come up with a seating arrangement that allows everyone to sit by at least a few people they know. I have known many long term couples that later broke up - but more importantly this is a day about the bride, two families becoming one, celebrating with friends and family, etc. No bride should feel she has to sacrifice friends or family because a guest will 'suffer' without their SO. Guests should come because they want to see their friend/family get married, not because it's a good "date night". If two people are two the point where they have to absolutely do everything together or its torture, then they should get engaged. I know many brides who held an 'engaged/married only' policy, that isn't rude.

Just because it's common doesn't mean it's not rude. Couples are social units, it's very rude to invite one without the other. By your logic, the bride wouldn't have to invite the groom because they wouldn't be married when invitations went out.

Who cares if the couple later splits (married couples also may divorce, that doesn't make it ok to not invite only half a couple)?

If you care about someone enough to invite them to your wedding, you should have the courtesy to include their SO if they have one.

Simply Fated · June 2014

Amonite said:

Good advice, though I disagree on the 'established couples' bit.

It is good to always invite spouses (as they are now 'one', so to speak).

It is also nice to invite engaged couples -if you have room-. It's also good to invite fiances of the bridal party. If you invite a fiance of one guest (non-bridal party) you should invite the fiances of all guests.

However, 'significant others' are a different story, whether they've been dating for three months or three years. You can invite them as a normal guest if you know them, make a general +1 policy for all guests, invite only the significant others of the bridal party, or invite none at all! It is not rude to not invite significant others. Hopefully, you can come up with a seating arrangement that allows everyone to sit by at least a few people they know. I have known many long term couples that later broke up - but more importantly this is a day about the bride, two families becoming one, celebrating with friends and family, etc. No bride should feel she has to sacrifice friends or family because a guest will 'suffer' without their SO. Guests should come because they want to see their friend/family get married, not because it's a good "date night". If two people are two the point where they have to absolutely do everything together or its torture, then they should get engaged. I know many brides who held an 'engaged/married only' policy, that isn't rude.

Significant other is a broad term. It can refer to a spouse or a boyfriend/girlfriend. It literally means a person who is significant to you. In fact, Webster's dictionary defines a significant other as "a person who is important to one's well-being; especially : a spouse or one in a similar relationship"

A spouse shouldn't be invited because they are in a legally binding contract with the person you actually really want to invite. They should be invited because they are a social unit with each other. The same goes for anyone in an established relationship. As more couples choose not to get married, the tradition of only inviting married couples is dwindling. Don't confuse tradition with etiquette. It was tradition to only invite married couples. It is proper etiquette to invite significant others. And, as we just established, significant others includes boyfriends and girlfriends.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

Amonite said:

Good advice, though I disagree on the 'established couples' bit.

It is good to always invite spouses (as they are now 'one', so to speak).

It is also nice to invite engaged couples -if you have room-. It's also good to invite fiances of the bridal party. If you invite a fiance of one guest (non-bridal party) you should invite the fiances of all guests.

However, 'significant others' are a different story, whether they've been dating for three months or three years. You can invite them as a normal guest if you know them, make a general +1 policy for all guests, invite only the significant others of the bridal party, or invite none at all! It is not rude to not invite significant others. Hopefully, you can come up with a seating arrangement that allows everyone to sit by at least a few people they know. I have known many long term couples that later broke up - but more importantly this is a day about the bride, two families becoming one, celebrating with friends and family, etc. No bride should feel she has to sacrifice friends or family because a guest will 'suffer' without their SO. Guests should come because they want to see their friend/family get married, not because it's a good "date night". If two people are two the point where they have to absolutely do everything together or its torture, then they should get engaged. I know many brides who held an 'engaged/married only' policy, that isn't rude.

And for those that cannot legally get married or engaged - where do they fall? You DO NOT SPLIT couples up - whether they have been together 3 months or 30 years.

FH and I have been together almost 6 years - we are not married. Someone who got pregnant 3 months in to dating and decided to get married is more worthy of bringing their significant other because they are married? NO. Our relationships are EQUAL because we both identify as IN A COUPLE.

+1s are for TRULY single guests - guests who do not identify as part of a couple. If someone has a new partner of 5 weeks he/she needs to be invited WITH THAT PARTNER. How can you ask people to come celebrate your relationship while simultaneously shitting on theirs? You do not get to judge the seriousness of someone else's relationship.

twitterbird · June 2014

I am inviting the SO of any friend or family member who has one. I am not giving plus ones to my singles guests. Now most of those are older aunts, uncles and friend's of the mob/mog who I don't for see getting a SO (although you never know lol). I have a couple of single girl friends invited without plus ones but if they meet someone even after I send out invites I have space to include them.

perdonami · June 2014

I only invited SO's for guests who declared the person they are with as a girlfriend/boyfriend or married. However, if any of said guests found someone to consider their girlfriend or boyfriend after the fact I would be willing to accommodate their date.

Good thing too as one of my bridal attendants who has finally been able to find a g/f after being single for a significant period time was very excited to invite her to the wedding. Sure, I already sent out the invitations but whatever. Whats makes him happy, makes me happy.

Viczaesar · June 2014

Amonite said:

Good advice, though I disagree on the 'established couples' bit.

It is good to always invite spouses (as they are now 'one', so to speak).

It is also nice to invite engaged couples -if you have room-. It's also good to invite fiances of the bridal party. If you invite a fiance of one guest (non-bridal party) you should invite the fiances of all guests.

However, 'significant others' are a different story, whether they've been dating for three months or three years. You can invite them as a normal guest if you know them, make a general +1 policy for all guests, invite only the significant others of the bridal party, or invite none at all! It is not rude to not invite significant others. Hopefully, you can come up with a seating arrangement that allows everyone to sit by at least a few people they know. I have known many long term couples that later broke up - but more importantly this is a day about the bride, two families becoming one, celebrating with friends and family, etc. No bride should feel she has to sacrifice friends or family because a guest will 'suffer' without their SO. Guests should come because they want to see their friend/family get married, not because it's a good "date night". If two people are two the point where they have to absolutely do everything together or its torture, then they should get engaged. I know many brides who held an 'engaged/married only' policy, that isn't rude.

Bullshit.

Cookie Pusher · June 2014

I don't know where Amonite is getting her "etiquette" from, but even Miss Manners states that those who hold themselves to be a social unit (AKA a couple) should be invited together.

melissamusic · June 2014

Should significant others be named on the save-the-dates? I know they should on the invitations, but are save-the dates different? Like if my cousin Sue is dating Bob, should the save-the-date say "Sue and Bob," "Sue and guest," or just "Sue"?

Inkdancer · June 2014

melissamusic said:

Should significant others be named on the save-the-dates? I know they should on the invitations, but are save-the dates different? Like if my cousin Sue is dating Bob, should the save-the-date say "Sue and Bob," "Sue and guest," or just "Sue"?

It can say any of the above. If Sue and Bob have been dating for five years, it's probably polite to go ahead and include Bob to acknowledge their couple status. If Sue and Bob have just gotten together, you can leave Bob off the Save the Date. Just make sure the SO is on the invitation and you're good to go!

melissamusic · June 2014

Oh, another question. Can it sometimes be more polite to not name the significant other, because it leaves things open for the person to bring a different guest? I went to a wedding last fall and my FI was not named on the invitation, it was just listed as a +1...which actually turned out to be great for me because FI couldn't make it (it was an out of state wedding), so I brought my sister instead. I appreciated being able to bring her, since I didn't know anyone else there besides the bride and groom. The groom knows my sister too, since we've been friends for years, so it worked out for everybody. In that situation, it was actually more considerate for the bride and groom to not name my guest.

Inkdancer · June 2014

melissamusic said:

Oh, another question. Can it sometimes be more polite to not name the significant other, because it leaves things open for the person to bring a different guest? I went to a wedding last fall and my FI was not named on the invitation, it was just listed as a +1...which actually turned out to be great for me because FI couldn't make it (it was an out of state wedding), so I brought my sister instead. I appreciated being able to bring her, since I didn't know anyone else there besides the bride and groom. The groom knows my sister too, since we've been friends for years, so it worked out for everybody. In that situation, it was actually more considerate for the bride and groom to not name my guest.

It may be more convenient in some cases, but it isn't polite. Not naming someone's significant other can indicate that you don't value their relationship enough to find out the person's name. In your case it did work out, but at other times it can be very hurtful.

Simply Fated · June 2014

melissamusic said:
Oh, another question. Can it sometimes be more polite to not name the significant other, because it leaves things open for the person to bring a different guest? I went to a wedding last fall and my FI was not named on the invitation, it was just listed as a +1...which actually turned out to be great for me because FI couldn't make it (it was an out of state wedding), so I brought my sister instead. I appreciated being able to bring her, since I didn't know anyone else there besides the bride and groom. The groom knows my sister too, since we've been friends for years, so it worked out for everybody. In that situation, it was actually more considerate for the bride and groom to not name my guest.

I think the point is, the bride and groom are offering you to bring your partner of the specify him or her by name. If your partner declines, it's up to the bride and groom's discretion to let you bring someone else.
Leaving it vague with "and guest" absolutely opens the invitation up to interpretation. That could be something they might want to avoid.

melissamusic · June 2014

Don't get me wrong, I mostly agree with you. I'm just adding another layer to the discussion--it's not ALWAYS best to name significant others. There are some cases, although they aren't the majority of cases, where it's actually very considerate to leave it open to interpretation.

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

melissamusic said:
Don't get me wrong, I mostly agree with you. I'm just adding another layer to the discussion--it's not ALWAYS best to name significant others. There are some cases, although they aren't the majority of cases, where it's actually very considerate to leave it open to interpretation.

Also, letting someone bring someone else is nice, but nut required. It is only required to invite the SO

MinBride29 · July 2014

Most people have said it already but you should be a little more open minded about others and their relationships. It's not your place to judge or decide how long this boy will be in the picture.

My fiance's family used to ask me to step out of family pictures, whether it was for a family wedding or a simple get together for a birthday. "Family only" they would say. I've been with the guy over 10 years, so for them to assume that I wouldn't be in the picture for very long and not want me in their informal family pictures so as not to 'ruin it', was insensitive.

Just be a little more mindful because there are certainly going to be plenty of other people in your wedding photos that won't make it to your 5 year anniversary and you're not going to exclude them from the photo or not invite them.

Not inviting the boy because he's a minor seems to be a suitable reason anyway.

Simply Fated · July 2014

MinBride29 said:
Most people have said it already but you should be a little more open minded about others and their relationships. It's not your place to judge or decide how long this boy will be in the picture.

My fiance's family used to ask me to step out of family pictures, whether it was for a family wedding or a simple get together for a birthday. "Family only" they would say. I've been with the guy over 10 years, so for them to assume that I wouldn't be in the picture for very long and not want me in their informal family pictures so as not to 'ruin it', was insensitive.

Just be a little more mindful because there are certainly going to be plenty of other people in your wedding photos that won't make it to your 5 year anniversary and you're not going to exclude them from the photo or not invite them.

Not inviting the boy because he's a minor seems to be a suitable reason anyway.

This is so true. My relationship with my boyfriend has lasted longer than some of our friends' marriages.

Who do I have to invite to my wedding: a guide

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