VENT: FILs have to come see it.

mysticl · May 2014

beethery said:

@mysticl that makes much more sense lol

All I could picture was a pre-teen walking home and getting picked up by relatives that she only vaguely knows. That would be sketchy.

Nah, they only pull this crap on close family.

climbingsingle · May 2014

They came over to look at a door? What the fucking fuck!!!

beethery · May 2014

@ClimbingBrideNY Yup! How fucking ridiculous is that? It is this door. The only way it could get more boring is if it didn't have the panels. We described it to them when we got it, and I pulled it up on my phone to show them.

They still had to come fucking see it.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

No one is allowed in our bedroom. Period. Not Mama HisGirl, not anyone.

Our bedroom is sacrosanct. Stay out.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

Are they gonna come over and inspect the hinges at a later date or was that done at the same time?

beethery · May 2014

@HisGirlFriday13 I was not home or I would have done what I did LAST TIME and kind of pointed some shit out in the living room and made a distraction so that they forgot they were thinking about going upstairs.

@magicink hopefully they got a good look at that today or I'm going to rip the door off and throw it at them in the future.

VulgarGirl · May 2014

I think you should start telling them you're doing crazy shit around the house. Like "We just got new orange shag carpeting!" and see what happens when they want to come see it and it isn't there.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

You must never tell them of anything new again ever.

Ooh or constantly tell them about things like your new toothpaste, and new dryer sheets, and how Diet Dr. Pepper really does taste more like regular Dr. Pepper and wouldn't they like to come see it?

beethery · May 2014

@lolo883 I should show them my new armpit hairs as they grow in, and gas receipts. Maybe that would finally do it.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

beethery said:

@lolo883 I should show them my new armpit hairs as they grow in, and gas receipts. Maybe that would finally do it.

I have the biggest new zit! But I won't tell you where until you commmmmme seeeeeeeeeeee itttttttttt! How exciting!

Inkdancer · May 2014

lolo883 said:

beethery said:

@lolo883 I should show them my new armpit hairs as they grow in, and gas receipts. Maybe that would finally do it.

I have the biggest new zit! But I won't tell you where until you commmmmme seeeeeeeeeeee itttttttttt! How exciting!

I've had this mole on my butt my whole life and I think it's morphing into the shape of an apatosaurus. Or a diplodocus. Can you help me figure out which one?

KatieinBkln · May 2014

This is cracking me up.

But to be all serious and advice-giving...since you see these people every day almost, would it be really, unconscionably awkward for you to say, "You know, it really stresses me out when you guys ask to come by without giving me a timeframe"? It might not solve the "Let's come see your braaaand newwwww dooooooor!" (please apply Oprah's voice here) problem, but it might prevent migraines.

If you really want to get assertive, you could tweak this to say, "You know, it really stresses me out when you invite yourselves over." You could temper it and act like it's "your weird issue" since it seems family-wide with them, but it might work? (NB: it is not your weird issue, just to reiterate).

beethery · May 2014

It's weird, I see them all the time and FMIL loves talking shit with me, but saying that could possibly make things super weird. Especially because FI and I aren't married yet and he owns the house. I don't want to get aggressive with them about it, they just do not see the problem at all. FI has my back, and has tried to deflect their visit declarations but they seriously do not give a fuck.

I can't remember if I mentioned that in a call to FI yesterday, they told him that if we weren't home by the time they got there, they'd just let themselves in to check it out.

I don't fucking understand this shit AT ALL and no matter what we do short of changing the locks and flipping out on them, they are not going to care or understand why it's rude and/or crazy. My mom has no advice to offer beyond, "That's weird. But they aren't your parents and you need to get over it." Thanks mom, you're fucking full of info.

They don't do mostly unannounced drop-in shit, but here's a story from last summer:

For about a month I did damn near nothing but do art stuff because I was in a rush to get some shit together for a gallery submission. FI had been getting a ton of OT and he hadn't been around a lot either. FILs had requested progress pictures of my paintings and I was happy to send them.

On the fucking due date when I was scrambling to wrap everything up, get my CV and statement together, and photograph my work so that it didn't look like flaccid asshole, FI is finally home on a weekend day and his parents call to tell him that they'll be by in 10 minutes because they want to see my fucking paintings. What the fuck?!??!?!?!?!! FI told them, "Beethery is really busy and stressed out finalizing stuff, and the house is kind of a wreck right now. We'd been planning to clean and relax tomorrow after she's gotten her stuff done. It would be better if you came by then."

"But we're already driving, we'll just be there a couple minutes to see you guys!" Again, we live 15 minutes from their house. If they were not weird as fuck, they would GET IT and turn around and go home. They had barely made it out onto the road at this point.

They then hung out for two motherfucking hours (in which I couldn't go back upstairs and do my shit because 1. it's rude and 2. every time I went up to grab my computer to at least do something while they were there, they would almost fucking pout and ask "Where are you going? Don't you want to see us?") and we had to entertain them and shoot the shit because they wanted to ask more questions about the gallery and they hadn't seen me or FI for a while.

They leave at 9pm and I'm on the verge of tears. The deadline wasn't until midnight but wtf???? I had shit to do and they did. not. fucking. care. God forbid I be a rude host and go take care of my shit.

--

I'm just fucking ranting now because I am so pissed off about this. I don't know what to do. We are not in a mind of cutting ties with them over this, but they need to cut the shit.

theartistformerlyknownas · May 2014

As soon as you get married, "lose your key." You'll have to change the locks and conveniently keep forgetting to make them a copy. You can even make a big damn fuss about having to get new shoppers reward cards and OMG MY GLITTER KEYCHAIN IS GONE. But, you know, nothing else of importance like your car keys.

KatieinBkln · May 2014

beethery said:

every time I went up to grab my computer to at least do something while they were there, they would almost fucking pout and ask "Where are you going? Don't you want to see us?")

Dude, they're giving you an opening! "Actually, right now this moment, no, I don't. I'm so sorry if this seems rude but I am actually in the middle of finishing a really important project. I thought FI told you that already, but perhaps not. Please excuse me."

I know, I know. This is A LOT easier to type on a message board than to say IRL (I know I would probably shake in my boots and chicken out). But I am a huge fan of Captain Awkward's advice column, and her go-to line is: why worry about "making it awkward" (or being rude) when the other person has already done so. Why should you have to prioritize their comfort over your own, when they are behaving in a way that makes you feel like shit?

I am not suggesting you're doing anything wrong for not speaking up, at all. You're the victim here, for sure. I'm just kind of co-venting with you. I really hope you're able to somehow draw some boundaries here, but I have a feeling it's going to have to be your FI who says, "you know what, no. Please don't come over now. I'm sorry you're already in the car, but your house is just as close as ours at this point. Please ask if you can come over, do not just come." (Honestly, it should really be him anyway, since it's his family and they're making YOU crazy. He has to choose you over them, even if this doesn't feel like a momentous "choose the partner over the family" event to him).

ETA words/make sense/etc.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

So, in the story from last summer, I think your FI should have been firmer and said to his parents, 'Well, I'm sorry you're already on the road, but now is not a good time for us, so you really need to not come over.'

It's great that he has your back, but he really needs to step it up and not only say 'no,' but follow up that no with 'and if you try it, you won't be allowed in the door.'

Aside from the fact you're not being unreasonable at all for wanting privacy and your own space and not having guests drop by unannounced, it's rude as fuck to just stop in and chat when you know someone's on a deadline.

Miss Manners' advice is to say to people, 'Well, you must excuse me, I have a deadline.' And if they pout, say, 'I'm so sorry to be unable to host you properly. Had I been forewarned about your impending visit, I would have told you that now is simply not a good time for me and I am unable to host you.'

KatieinBkln · May 2014

HisGirlFriday13 said:

So, in the story from last summer, I think your FI should have been firmer and said to his parents, 'Well, I'm sorry you're already on the road, but now is not a good time for us, so you really need to not come over.'

It's great that he has your back, but he really needs to step it up and not only say 'no,' but follow up that no with 'and if you try it, you won't be allowed in the door.'

Aside from the fact you're not being unreasonable at all for wanting privacy and your own space and not having guests drop by unannounced, it's rude as fuck to just stop in and chat when you know someone's on a deadline.

Miss Manners' advice is to say to people, 'Well, you must excuse me, I have a deadline.' And if they pout, say, 'I'm so sorry to be unable to host you properly. Had I been forewarned about your impending visit, I would have told you that now is simply not a good time for me and I am unable to host you.'

As usual, Miss Manners' version is nicer than mine...

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

KatieinBkln said:

HisGirlFriday13 said:

So, in the story from last summer, I think your FI should have been firmer and said to his parents, 'Well, I'm sorry you're already on the road, but now is not a good time for us, so you really need to not come over.'

It's great that he has your back, but he really needs to step it up and not only say 'no,' but follow up that no with 'and if you try it, you won't be allowed in the door.'

Aside from the fact you're not being unreasonable at all for wanting privacy and your own space and not having guests drop by unannounced, it's rude as fuck to just stop in and chat when you know someone's on a deadline.

Miss Manners' advice is to say to people, 'Well, you must excuse me, I have a deadline.' And if they pout, say, 'I'm so sorry to be unable to host you properly. Had I been forewarned about your impending visit, I would have told you that now is simply not a good time for me and I am unable to host you.'

As usual, Miss Manners' version is nicer than mine...

Hers is nicer than mine, too. But I have used the 'I'm sorry, now just isn't good. No, I'm sorry, it's just not good. No, no, no, it's just not a good time for us' on people, and it actually discomfits them MORE by your being polite and firm than if you get snarky about it.

Which I guess makes sense, but I have wanted to scream, 'BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID NOW ISN'T A GOOD TIME, THAT'S WHY!'

Pro tip: It's ESPECIALLY fun if you do it to someone who is actually at your front door.

beethery · May 2014

KatieinBkln said:

beethery said:

every time I went up to grab my computer to at least do something while they were there, they would almost fucking pout and ask "Where are you going? Don't you want to see us?")

Dude, they're giving you an opening! "Actually, right now this moment, no, I don't. I'm so sorry if this seems rude but I am actually in the middle of finishing a really important project. I thought FI told you that already, but perhaps not. Please excuse me."

I know, I know. This is A LOT easier to type on a message board than to say IRL (I know I would probably shake in my boots and chicken out). But I am a huge fan of Captain Awkward's advice column, and her go-to line is: why worry about "making it awkward" (or being rude) when the other person has already done so. Why should you have to prioritize their comfort over your own, when they are behaving in a way that makes you feel like shit?

I am not suggesting you're doing anything wrong for not speaking up, at all. You're the victim here, for sure. I'm just kind of co-venting with you. I really hope you're able to somehow draw some boundaries here, but I have a feeling it's going to have to be your FI who says, "you know what, no. Please don't come over now. I'm sorry you're already in the car, but your house is just as close as ours at this point. Please ask if you can come over, do not just come." (Honestly, it should really be him anyway, since it's his family and they're making YOU crazy. He has to choose you over them, even if this doesn't feel like a momentous "choose the partner over the family" event to him).

ETA words/make sense/etc.

YOU'RE BOTH RIGHT. I just want them to GET THE FUCKING CLUUUUUUE without having to say anything but it's obviously not going down like that. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

God dammit, we need to just fucking lay it out there and get it done. It is going down. Fuckin LOCKING IT DOWN. I don't want to but I NEED TO.

I gotta remember this the next time they start talking about coming over.

beethery · May 2014

lolo883 said:

As soon as you get married, "lose your key." You'll have to change the locks and conveniently keep forgetting to make them a copy. You can even make a big damn fuss about having to get new shoppers reward cards and OMG MY GLITTER KEYCHAIN IS GONE. But, you know, nothing else of importance like your car keys.

I want to get one of these. This can be my "tell them fucking NOOOOO" totem.

KatieinBkln · May 2014

beethery said:

KatieinBkln said:

beethery said:

every time I went up to grab my computer to at least do something while they were there, they would almost fucking pout and ask "Where are you going? Don't you want to see us?")

Dude, they're giving you an opening! "Actually, right now this moment, no, I don't. I'm so sorry if this seems rude but I am actually in the middle of finishing a really important project. I thought FI told you that already, but perhaps not. Please excuse me."

I know, I know. This is A LOT easier to type on a message board than to say IRL (I know I would probably shake in my boots and chicken out). But I am a huge fan of Captain Awkward's advice column, and her go-to line is: why worry about "making it awkward" (or being rude) when the other person has already done so. Why should you have to prioritize their comfort over your own, when they are behaving in a way that makes you feel like shit?

I am not suggesting you're doing anything wrong for not speaking up, at all. You're the victim here, for sure. I'm just kind of co-venting with you. I really hope you're able to somehow draw some boundaries here, but I have a feeling it's going to have to be your FI who says, "you know what, no. Please don't come over now. I'm sorry you're already in the car, but your house is just as close as ours at this point. Please ask if you can come over, do not just come." (Honestly, it should really be him anyway, since it's his family and they're making YOU crazy. He has to choose you over them, even if this doesn't feel like a momentous "choose the partner over the family" event to him).

ETA words/make sense/etc.

YOU'RE BOTH RIGHT. I just want them to GET THE FUCKING CLUUUUUUE without having to say anything but it's obviously not going down like that. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

God dammit, we need to just fucking lay it out there and get it done. It is going down. Fuckin LOCKING IT DOWN. I don't want to but I NEED TO.

I gotta remember this the next time they start talking about coming over.

GET IT, GIRL.

And yeah, these are clearly not "hint" or "clue" people...good luck and godspeed! Anonymous Internet Army is with you in spirit!

beethery · May 2014

@flantastic they had a housekeys before I started dating FI... for what reason, I am unsure because he didn't have any pets then. He did tell me that they used to come by while he was at work to drop shit off from their house that they didn't want (his dad has gotten better about not seeing FI's house as a storage unit and doesn't do that shit anymore).

I don't super mind them having keys MOST OF THE TIME because it worked well for his mom checking in on the cats (they share a little can of food every morning for breakfast and are needy little attention hogs) while we go OOT.

My mom has keys as well for the same purpose, but she is slightly more normal and doesn't invite herself over or show up when we're not around like some looney toon.

VENT: FILs have to come see it.

Re: VENT: FILs have to come see it.

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