My mother

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

@GBCK‌ -- it's a popular club!

There's actually a group through BSC granny's church that does home checks and meal deliveries. It's part of their ministry outreach.

She refuses to use it. 'It's for old people who can't do for themselves. I have [DH] to do for me.'

It's a battle.

Heffalump · May 2014

I am really sorry I missed a lot of these excellent comments. I definitely was not planning to post and run, but then life happened. Thoughts:

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but in my family (DH and kids, as opposed to my parents), I really don't see how having my mom there would not be stressful. And not chipped-my-nailpolish stressful, like "oh my god, how long until I can leave for college???" stressful. I love my mother, but even putting my own feelings aside (not that I could, 100%, but for the sake of argument), having her live with us would have a negative impact on DH, on our relationship, probably on DD. (DS is too soon to tell.) At the end of the day, I can't see subjecting them to that. We love my mom, she loves us, but a few hours on Memorial Day <<< 10-20 years.
My grandfather (Dad's dad) was in a nursing home for several years when he developed Parkinsons and reached the point where his then-girlfriend could no longer care for him. I know they're crazy-expensive. I know all the hoops my dad (only surviving relative) had to jump through to get him into a place, draw down all his assets, apply for Medicaid for my grandfather, have Medicaid pay for the nursing home once my grandfather's assets were finally drained, etc. I seriously doubt that my mother will be able to pay on her own, I know she doesn't have long-term care insurance, so my brother and I will end up dealing with all this. If that's the price I have to pay for my sanity and preserving relationships within my own family, then so be it.
I would love to have her be the kindly old advice-and-cookies grandmother at home, but honestly, it would be more like "Are you going to vacuum the stairs? When was the last time you vacuumed them? When do you think you'll get to it again? Are you going to let the Wooz leave the house in mismatched socks? I don't care if she likes them--what will the other mothers think of you? Wooz, come here, why don't you put on some nice, matching socks? No? Do you want all the kids to make fun of you?" Just, ugh.
As I mentioned in my OP, DH has said that if there were no other option, of course she could stay with us. So homelessness/squalid conditions are really a straw man here. No one is living on the streets.

I appreciate everyone's stories and suggestions. It's a lot to think about, and we're lucky that we don't have to deal with it right this second, but it's definitely getting closer every day.

mrsmorales2be · May 2014

FI and I have discussed this - my dad and smom won't be an issue. My mom - my brother and I will work something out when that time comes. His mom, however, will be moving in with us when she is unable to live by herself.

NavyBlue143 · May 2014

H and I are planning on building a mother-in-law house on our property for just this reason. His mother will not have the assets to go into assisted living or a nursing home when the time comes. Fortunately I love MIL, so her living with us is fine. The only reason we would have her in her own place is because she's so terrified of stepping on toes or upsetting someone. Better us than SIL though, because while she is a lovely person, she doesn't have much of a filter and she isn't very sensitive.

My parents fortunately will be able to afford the best care available, and our relationship with them is great too, so we will gladly oversee their care if they ever need that.

That being said, my mother and l should never live under the same roof again. We are too much alike and fight constantly when we live together. Our relationship is infinitely better now that I have married and moved out. If we had no other options, my brother would probably have to be the one to take her. I would of course take her in before putting her in a cut rate home, but that probably will not ever be an issue anyway.

FIL is on his own. His daughter hates him, I hate him, and would rather divorce DH than have him live with us. He's misogynistic, spiteful, passive aggressive, rude, and inconsiderate. He's managed to almost financially ruin H twice, and it's always somehow our fault. I will not let him end up in the gutter, but he will never share an address with me.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

NavyBlue143 said:
H and I are planning on building a mother-in-law house on our property for just this reason. His mother will not have the assets to go into assisted living or a nursing home when the time comes. Fortunately I love MIL, so her living with us is fine. The only reason we would have her in her own place is because she's so terrified of stepping on toes or upsetting someone. Better us than SIL though, because while she is a lovely person, she doesn't have much of a filter and she isn't very sensitive.

My parents fortunately will be able to afford the best care available, and our relationship with them is great too, so we will gladly oversee their care if they ever need that.

That being said, my mother and l should never live under the same roof again. We are too much alike and fight constantly when we live together. Our relationship is infinitely better now that I have married and moved out. If we had no other options, my brother would probably have to be the one to take her. I would of course take her in before putting her in a cut rate home, but that probably will not ever be an issue anyway.

FIL is on his own. His daughter hates him, I hate him, and would rather divorce DH than have him live with us. He's misogynistic, spiteful, passive aggressive, rude, and inconsiderate. He's managed to almost financially ruin H twice, and it's always somehow our fault. I will not let him end up in the gutter, but he will never share an address with me.

You're nicer than I am. DH's parents could be homeless and living on the streets and I wouldn't give a good god-damn, nor would either of us lift a finger to help them. They will die unheralded and be buried in pauper's graves and I'm OK with that.

(Actions have consequences, and when you beat your kids, it's unlikely that they'll care about you in your old age.)

NavyBlue143 · May 2014

It is only for H's sake that I would contribute to FILs care. He still loves his father despite all he has done, and is currently pretty torn up because his dad was an asshole to him this weekend, so I'm only thinking about my husband's feelings. If it were up to me, after all he did to MIL and his children growing up, and what he's putting us through now, I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

Yeah, that makes sense. If DH had any nice feelings toward them, I'd do it for his sake.

As it is, I am civil to his grandmother because despite how terrible she is, he still loves her. I may not understand that, but I can accept it.

loveshine1 · May 2014

This is a tough issue, and one that I hadn't really put much thought into. It's a hard conversation to have, but I think it is something to discuss. H's grandfather lived on his own until he passed away at 91 in February. He lived on his own and didn't drive, but had a lot of family around to help. He also had a wonderful practical nurse 3 days a week cruise him around, take him to appts and to stores, out to lunch, etc. She was a wonderful companion for him.

My mom cares for both her dad and for her brother who live in apartments near my parents. She takes them to appts, brings them food, takes them food shopping, etc. My dad also helps, and my dad's brother and his fiance who have no relationship to either of them also pitch in.

Luckily, both sets of our parents have enough resources that they will be able to afford the appropriate care. That being said, there are a few unique circumstances.

My parents live in PA, so should something happen to my dad, or even my mom, they would sell their home and move to FL to their own place. And we'd go from there.

On H's side, the situation is a bit stickier. My MIL had an AVM which caused her to have brain surgery 15 years ago. She recovered very, very well. However, having an ice cream scoop sized chunk of your brain removed will of course not leave you without some damage. She can be forgetful, and has issues with times/numbers and sequencing. Her affect can be rather flat as well, but she is a wonderful grandmother and is very good to me. She worked full time up until 7 years ago, and now is on disability. My FIL is a retired firefighter and paramedic. He does A LOT for her, down to putting gas in her car. It's hard to tell whether it's because she's a princess or it's just that she can't.

It is medically likely that MIL will get early onset dementia. I know that FIL will take care of her for as long as he can, but there will need to be a plan B. IF anything happens to FIL, I know that H and I will need to step up to the plate and deal with the situation. She will NOT be living with us.

kns1988 · May 2014

I honestly could have written this post. My mom always made comments like this on a regular basis. Around a year ago, I finally asked her point blank "Mom, do you have a plan for when you retire? I love you, but you can't plan on living with us and I'm worried you're not saving enough for retirement." She assured me that she would be fine and can afford an apartment. We'll see what happens, but I felt so much more at peace once I made my boundaries clear.

[Deleted User] · May 2014

I'm considering asking my cousins if they want to do a parent swap. I'll take in my aunt and uncle if my cousin's claim my parents. Who knows, my aunt and uncle may bug me to no end too, but the fact that they're not my parents may make it easier to tell them to stop their moaning. It might be more like an annoying roommate situation rather than like having my parents under foot.

My mother

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