Maid of Honor Bought Her Own Shoes... ?

ciferri053015 · May 2014

So my Maid of Honor in my wedding, recently posted a picture of shoes she bought to wear in my wedding. We had discussed shoes briefly but I told her I hadn't even started thinking about them yet and I would probably have everyone in ivory shoes because my colors are coral and mint. Well, the shoes she bought were pink. She seemed upset when I told her they wouldn't work and she should have waited for me to tell her which shoes I wanted her and the other members of my bridal party to wear so they can all match. Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

MairePoppy · May 2014

Are you prepared to pay for matching shoes for your bms? If not, drop it.

It would have been nice for her to ask what color you wanted, but is this worth arguing about?

kmmssg · May 2014

You posted this on 3 boards?

ciferri053015 · May 2014

I didn't know which board was appropriate

ciferri053015 · May 2014

And I don't know how to delete postings.

manateehugger · May 2014

kmmssg said:

You posted this on 3 boards?

This was my thought. That's a hell of a lot of unnecessary anger over a pair of shoes.

climbingsingle · May 2014

No one will be looking at her shoes. Seriously. Let her wear the shoes she's already purchased.

And no, I haven't experienced a similar situation because I'm letting my MOH where whatever she wants.

ciferri053015 · May 2014

I must be from a crazy land where the bride picks out the shoes and the bridesmaids wear them... I've never been in a wedding where the bridesmaids wear whatever shoes they want. I did not fight with her and I admit this post came off sounding a little bitchy, but that was not my intention. I honestly thought the bride picked out what shoes she wanted her bridesmaids to wear.

sarahonlife · May 2014

You're still welcome to buy her any shoes you want to buy her.

ciferri053015 · May 2014

My intention was not to be rude. This is how I thought things were done.

jneen101 · May 2014

kmmssg said:

You posted this on 3 boards?

It looks like it's on 4 boards now.

No one cares about the bridesmaids' shoes.

TheGrimReaper · May 2014

ciferri053015 said:

My intention was not to be rude. This is how I thought things were done.

That's fine, but it isn't always. You don't pick a shoe. Often, you can give a general color. But really, ivory shoes? Poor girls are NEVER going to wear those again. It's just not worth fighting with a friend over. I have absolutely no idea what any of my BMs wore on their feet.

carybrad2014 · May 2014

I personally just told my girls to buy silver, strappy shoes. But all 3 of the kept asking me what they should get, none of them would have imagined just going out getting shoes on their own. Then again I have told them all before that I really want a fun shoe picture so they probably realized they should somewhat match for that.

CMGragain · May 2014

OP, you do not tell the bridesmaids what shoes to buy. You may tell them what color - black always works well. If you insist on your bridesmaids wearing identical shoes, then you may buy them yourself. Bear in mind that there are people (like me) who cannot wear high heels.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2014

ciferri053015 said:

I must be from a crazy land where the bride picks out the shoes and the bridesmaids wear them... I've never been in a wedding where the bridesmaids wear whatever shoes they want. I did not fight with her and I admit this post came off sounding a little bitchy, but that was not my intention. I honestly thought the bride picked out what shoes she wanted her bridesmaids to wear.

Yes, that crazy land is called Wedding Industry Land. The 10+ weddings I have been in the WP for over the past 10 years have all been in Wedding Industry Land. Luckily I found this board while planning my wedding, and I am planning mine in Reality. My BM's were shocked and pleasantly surprised when I told them pick any dress in these colors, wear whatever shoes you want, do your hair however you want, wear whatever jewelry you want.

Let it go, let your BM's wear whatever shoes they want, and they will be so happy with you.

ETA: If your colors are coral or mint, I'd probably buy a pair of coral or mint shoes if I was in your wedding. . . not ivory.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

I assure you, the only pair of shoes (other than my own) that I noticed at my wedding were my SIL's, because they were ADORABLE peep-toe booties and I had serious shoe envy and wanted to buy a pair myself for work.

bananasplit472001 · May 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

ciferri053015 said:

I must be from a crazy land where the bride picks out the shoes and the bridesmaids wear them... I've never been in a wedding where the bridesmaids wear whatever shoes they want. I did not fight with her and I admit this post came off sounding a little bitchy, but that was not my intention. I honestly thought the bride picked out what shoes she wanted her bridesmaids to wear.

Yes, that crazy land is called Wedding Industry Land. The 10+ weddings I have been in the WP for over the past 10 years have all been in Wedding Industry Land. Luckily I found this board while planning my wedding, and I am planning mine in Reality. My BM's were shocked and pleasantly surprised when I told them pick any dress in these colors, wear whatever shoes you want, do your hair however you want, wear whatever jewelry you want.

Let it go, let your BM's wear whatever shoes they want, and they will be so happy with you.

ETA: If your colors are coral or mint, I'd probably buy a pair of coral or mint shoes if I was in your wedding. . . not ivory.

Yes!! so many people get caught up in the expectations of the wedding industry. I am also allowing my bridesmaids to choose whatever shoe they want as long as it is a heel of some kind. I don't care what the color is! Oh yeah i'm also allowing them to pick out their own jewelry, purse, nail color and even hairstyle (which I am even paying for!). In 15 years when yo look back on your wedding are you really going to be that upset that you bridesmaid picked out pink shoes instead of white?

lbuet348 · May 2014

I don't think asking them to wear the same color is unreasonable. I have only been in one wedding but that bride had us all in identical dresses, shoes, earrings and even the same color eye shadow! I had to wear my hair up also, but she paid for everything so I wasn't upset about it. (I did not like the way I looked at all but it wasn't about me!)

However, everyone else is right. BM shoes will hardly be looked at and if she is excited about her new shoes it may be better to just let it go.

phira · May 2014

lbuet348 said:

I don't think asking them to wear the same color is unreasonable. I have only been in one wedding but that bride had us all in identical dresses, shoes, earrings and even the same color eye shadow! I had to wear my hair up also, but she paid for everything so I wasn't upset about it. (I did not like the way I looked at all but it wasn't about me!)

However, everyone else is right. BM shoes will hardly be looked at and if she is excited about her new shoes it may be better to just let it go.

Really depends on the color. Asking me to wear nude, white, black, silver, etc? Okay. But if it's a weird color, I might side-eye, since it's much less likely I own or would want to own shoes in that color. But otherwise, yeah, I agree.

Identical eye shadow? ahahahaha oh god, I'm so sorry.

lbuet348 · May 2014

True, I forgot to add that part. Asking them to buy lime green shoes or something hard to find would be a pain!

[Deleted User] · May 2014

If the shoe color goes with the dress, I would say let it slide & just tell all the BM to find shoes they are comfortable in where the color goes with the dress. It will reduce your stress level in the planning process. You are right in the past it use to be all about everything matching & the bride picking things out. Now go back and see how many of the pictures where all the bridal party looks happy...lol. The new trend is to 1. find out your BM budgets, 2. pick out color (try to keep in mind what looks good on your BM), 3. find a dress they will all look good in that is within the lowest budget set by your BM or to find a dress maker (like David's Bridal for example) so the girls can pick out a dress in the color and line you picked that fits their budget & style. The less matchy matchy you try to go, the easier and more enjoyable the planning process will be for you and the BM

bekahjo1119 · May 2014

The three weddings that I have been in have all had the bridesmaids in matching shoes. I hated that. Those shoes almost never come in wides for those of us with wide feet. I just plan on giving my BM's an idea of what I'm looking for. I'm too early in the process, but I'm either going to ask my girls to wear cowboy boots or gold strappy sandals/heels. It makes life much easier. Unless the shoes totally clashed with the dresses, I'd let this one go. Besides, she's the MOH. She's allowed to be a little different.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2014

bekahjo1119 said:
The three weddings that I have been in have all had the bridesmaids in matching shoes. I hated that. Those shoes almost never come in wides for those of us with wide feet. I just plan on giving my BM's an idea of what I'm looking for. I'm too early in the process, but I'm either going to ask my girls to wear cowboy boots or gold strappy sandals/heels. It makes life much easier. Unless the shoes totally clashed with the dresses, I'd let this one go. Besides, she's the MOH. She's allowed to be a little different.

If you ask for something that specific -- like cowboy boots -- you have to pay for them. That's far too specific.

Ditto for gold strap sandals or heels. Those aren't generic enough.

Rosebubbly · May 2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

ciferri053015 said:

I must be from a crazy land where the bride picks out the shoes and the bridesmaids wear them... I've never been in a wedding where the bridesmaids wear whatever shoes they want. I did not fight with her and I admit this post came off sounding a little bitchy, but that was not my intention. I honestly thought the bride picked out what shoes she wanted her bridesmaids to wear.

Yes, that crazy land is called Wedding Industry Land. The 10+ weddings I have been in the WP for over the past 10 years have all been in Wedding Industry Land. Luckily I found this board while planning my wedding, and I am planning mine in Reality. My BM's were shocked and pleasantly surprised when I told them pick any dress in these colors, wear whatever shoes you want, do your hair however you want, wear whatever jewelry you want.

Let it go, let your BM's wear whatever shoes they want, and they will be so happy with you.

ETA: If your colors are coral or mint, I'd probably buy a pair of coral or mint shoes if I was in your wedding. . . not ivory.

Agree with this post. Not to get all judgey on your color scheme (similar to mine) but I don't think ivory shoes would even look right. I know its a neutral, but they'll never be able to wear them again.

Gizmo813 · May 2014

I told mine to wear whatever silver shoe they would like to. (The only thing I've asked my bridesmaids to buy is identical dresses. Everything else is optional.)

When my MOH was getting married (a wedding that never happened), she made us all buy identical shoes ($50), which she didn't pay for. She was then going to make us all dye our shoes hot pink ($30) to match our dresses, because she wanted a Sex-in-the-City style shoe picture. I would have NEVER, EVER worn them again. I was more than a little annoyed.

Luckily, I hadn't dyed them yet before she cancelled her wedding, so I dyed them purple and am wearing them for MY wedding!

delujm0 · May 2014

I agree that it was a little weird for your MOH to assume that pink shoes would be fine - especially with a coral and mint color scheme. Generally, the best practice is to pick a standard neutral color that the girls either already own or could potentially rewear and then let them get whatever they want in that color. I wouldn't consider ivory a standard neutral color...I think ivory shoes look 100% weddingy and would never wear them again. Usually black, nude, gold, silver, etc is appropriate.

You also have the option to pick out matching shoes and pay for them yourself...but this isn't a great idea for myriad reasons (different people are comfortable in different shoes, etc).

atlastmrsg · May 2014

I think the same shoes look nice in pics with short bridesmaid dresses. With long dresses, it doesn't matter unless someone gets their dress hemmed too short. Now ivory shoes...that's an interesting choice. Maybe think about what others have said about a more useful neutral like nude or gold/silver.

Alyssa18o6 · June 2014

ciferri053015 said:

I must be from a crazy land where the bride picks out the shoes and the bridesmaids wear them... I've never been in a wedding where the bridesmaids wear whatever shoes they want. I did not fight with her and I admit this post came off sounding a little bitchy, but that was not my intention. I honestly thought the bride picked out what shoes she wanted her bridesmaids to wear.

I have found that whatever I THOUGHT I knew about weddings/ what i've experienced in weddings was all wrong until i've joined this board...

Cause i'm right there with you, that's what i've experienced in any wedding i've been in. And thats what I was planning on doing. Maybe i'm just rude? I don't know haha

lilacck28 · June 2014

Alyssa18o6 said:

ciferri053015 said:

I must be from a crazy land where the bride picks out the shoes and the bridesmaids wear them... I've never been in a wedding where the bridesmaids wear whatever shoes they want. I did not fight with her and I admit this post came off sounding a little bitchy, but that was not my intention. I honestly thought the bride picked out what shoes she wanted her bridesmaids to wear.

I have found that whatever I THOUGHT I knew about weddings/ what i've experienced in weddings was all wrong until i've joined this board...

Cause i'm right there with you, that's what i've experienced in any wedding i've been in. And thats what I was planning on doing. Maybe i'm just rude? I don't know haha

@Alyssa18o6 You experienced what I'm sure many have experienced. And many people on this board have testified that they have experienced it. But it is poor etiquette because often there was someone/ everyone who found it an annoying hardship even if they did not express it. There was probably a pair of shoes they would have preferred to buy instead of that one that the bride demanded that pinched their toes. Now that you've read the board, you know that it was rude of those brides to put you in that situation. I'm sure it was not intentional, but it was what they thought was expected. It is not. And your bridesmaids will be so much happier and probably therefore more helpful when you don't dictate silly things like shoes or jewelry or hair and don't pay for it. Personally, I'm really not a fan of everyone looking like a Stepford clone in wedding pictures anyway.

Alyssa18o6 · June 2014

lilacck28 said:

Alyssa18o6 said:

ciferri053015 said:

I must be from a crazy land where the bride picks out the shoes and the bridesmaids wear them... I've never been in a wedding where the bridesmaids wear whatever shoes they want. I did not fight with her and I admit this post came off sounding a little bitchy, but that was not my intention. I honestly thought the bride picked out what shoes she wanted her bridesmaids to wear.

I have found that whatever I THOUGHT I knew about weddings/ what i've experienced in weddings was all wrong until i've joined this board...

Cause i'm right there with you, that's what i've experienced in any wedding i've been in. And thats what I was planning on doing. Maybe i'm just rude? I don't know haha

@Alyssa18o6 You experienced what I'm sure many have experienced. And many people on this board have testified that they have experienced it. But it is poor etiquette because often there was someone/ everyone who found it an annoying hardship even if they did not express it. There was probably a pair of shoes they would have preferred to buy instead of that one that the bride demanded that pinched their toes. Now that you've read the board, you know that it was rude of those brides to put you in that situation. I'm sure it was not intentional, but it was what they thought was expected. It is not. And your bridesmaids will be so much happier and probably therefore more helpful when you don't dictate silly things like shoes or jewelry or hair and don't pay for it. Personally, I'm really not a fan of everyone looking like a Stepford clone in wedding pictures anyway.

I think because I thought it was so "common" I never really gave it any thought. At any rate I was planning on giving them an idea (ex: silver). Is that still considered bad etiquette cause i'm giving them a preference on color? I'm pretty sure we're going with long dresses anyway so it wont matter too much! Plus im pretty sure one of my BM doesn't wear heels (like myself!) and i'd never imagine asking her to try for the day!

lilacck28 · June 2014

Personally, I think suggesting colors for shoes is fine (though I remember being a young bridesmaid looking for silver sandals, and it was hard! I have wide feet.

My mom was like "who micromanages shoe color and style!" We had no idea it could be even worse than that!) The real problem, though, is when a bride demands a difficult color to find/ wear, or a particular style. That is where it becomes a hardship.

I think it is even easier for your bridal party when you suggest a few colors-- silver or nude, for example. If you know you have a friend who likes to wear particularly colorful shoes, or is not good at making sure her shoes go with the color dress, and that would very much bother you, then yeah, suggest shoe color. I trust mine to pick a shoe that matches, so I'm not going to tell them anything.

And remember, only people really obsessed with shoes will notice your bridesmaids' shoes, unless they can't walk in them and everyone is holding their breath waiting for one of them to fall over (true story). They will all be looking at you, the bride.

Maid of Honor Bought Her Own Shoes... ?

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