Fiance's Sisters As Bridesmaids.

bride044 · June 2014

I am stressed out about choosing my bridesmaids!

Right now, I know my sister, my niece, and my two best friends will be included- 4 bridesmaids right there.

I never wanted a large party, but my fiance has three sisters that he is extremely close to. I am not as close to them as he is, I definitely like them though. Seven isn't an extremely huge number by any means, but I'm having a really hard time deciding whether to include them or not. My fiance is completely "do what you'd like" about it, but I imagine deep down he would like me to include them. It's hard though, and feels wrong to me to include them when I could include another girlfriend (or two) that I am much closer to.

Looking to hear from anyone with wise advice, and from those whose fiance's has 3+ sisters- did you include them? If not/do, did you regret it?

ladyamanuet · June 2014

They should stand on his side if he wants them in the wedding. They can wear a dress that is the same color as the other groomsmen's tuxes. Your side is for people you are close to.

emmyg65 · June 2014

If your fiance is close to them, then they can stand on his side.

SP29 · June 2014

Agreed- if he wants them in the wedding party so badly, he can always ask him to stand on his side. You shouldn't feel guilted into choosing someone to be one of your bridesmaids- they should be your nearest and dearest. We had a very small wedding party- I had a MOH, one bridesmaid and a flowergirl. I thought about asking DH's sister, but in the end decided not to. I love her, but she isn't the person I'd call up at 3am to bury a body

. DH's sister did give a reading at our ceremony and it was lovely. Perhaps you two could consider the same- having his sisters give a reading, a blessing before dinner, or give them each a corsage to wear.

AddieCake · June 2014

If he wants them, they can be groomsmaids.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

I agree with PPs in principle. The wedding party is one of the most personal aspects of a wedding.

With that said, you know your family dynamics. It might be easier or better to have his sisters in the WP, rather than hurt their feelings or face resistance from Fi and his family. Fi's sister and his female cousin are both my BMs. Do I love them? Yes. Would I call them to help me bury a body? No. But Fi's family is extremely traditional, we had already broken their hearts by not having a Catholic wedding, and his mom looked at me like I had three heads when I suggested Cousin could stand on his side. Counsin's feelings would have been very hurt. So I included her as a BM: it was just a hill I didn't want to die on. She's a lovely girl and I hope to become closer to her.

So the bottom line depends on how important this is to you, your family dynamics, etc.

ETA: this brings my BMs up to 8. It's a big WP but we have budgeted for RD, flowers, and gifts so it's doable.

bride044 · June 2014

It's a good thought, but he has so many close friends, he has his groomsmen covered!

ladyamanuet · June 2014

Well, that's crap then. No offense, but if he cared so much about his sisters being in the wedding, he should have asked them to stand on his side before his friends and not "dumped" them on you. Have them do a reading, give them a special corsage... lots of good options mentioned by PPs. But you don't need to include them on your side, especially if your FI chose friends over them. Unless that's a numbers issue - in which case, sides absolutely do not need to be even

bride044 · June 2014

Very similar! His family is very catholic and very traditional as well, so I wonder if it would just make things "easier"....

pinkshorts27 · June 2014

LauraC283 said:

Very similar! His family is very catholic and very traditional as well, so I wonder if it would just make things "easier"....

Don't sweat it. Have your friends. They should understand. Have them seated before the parents and get them a nice corsage or have them do a reading. They are his siblings, not yours. You shouldn't have to sacrafice your friends for his sisters. That is just silly.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2014

I agree with JCBride. In principle and in theory, you can ask whomever you want and he can ask whomever he wants, and if he wants his sisters in the wedding so badly, they can stand on his side.

In reality, that might not work. Family dynamics being what they are, it might be easier to have them on your side and keep the peace.

Where I grew up, siblings are always in the WP, and assigned side by gender. If a bride DIDN'T have her FI's sisters as BMs, the assumption was the bride was snubbing them and being rude.

I think that idea is rubbish and I think it's stupid, but if your FMIL ascribes to the same idea, it might not be a hill worth dying on so early in your relationship with her.

These women will be in your life forever. Show them a little kindness now and it might go a long way in your relationship in the future.

ETF typo

hanjoy · June 2014

I have a wedding party of 7 because I included FIs three sisters. Although I could have filled those spots with my friends I decided to ask his sisters because while we are semi-close now we will grow closer as the years go on because I'm marrying their brother.

They are not as involved as the other four since they live farther away but I do not regret asking them to stand by me.

mysticl · June 2014

I think DH's sister is amazing. I absolutely love her. My bridesmaids were my BFF and my nieces. His sister did a reading.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

LauraC283 said:

It's a good thought, but he has so many close friends, he has his groomsmen covered!

Well boo on him. He can just add more. His family, his problem.

chibiyui · June 2014

I do agree with the sentiment of, his family, his side.

I also know some families have their heads up their collective ass when it comes to gender roles and weddings.

Figure out where on the sliding scale of heads up their ass and rational his family is, then go from there.

phira · June 2014

You could also have them do readings.

I do agree that it might be damaging to your relationship with your future in-laws, but if it's SO important for your fiance to include them, he needs to include them. Maybe that means he'll have 10 people standing on his side since he has so many friends. But like you said, you have other friends, too--people who you feel closer to than to your future sisters-in-law.

You need to talk to your fiance about this and make sure you're on the same page. If it's a top priority for his sisters to be included, and he wants to keep his side of the wedding party under a certain number, then he should be the one to pick his sisters instead of his friends.

AddieCake · June 2014

He already has his groomsmen covered? Well, guess what? So do you already have your bridesmaids covered! Why does he get to have who he wants and not who he doesn't and you don't? Sorry. This is one of my wedding rage issues.

phira · June 2014

AddieCake said:

He already has his groomsmen covered? Well, guess what? So do you already have your bridesmaids covered! Why does he get to have who he wants and not who he doesn't and you don't? Sorry. This is one of my wedding rage issues.

Yeah, I'm with you entirely. The way I see it, if his sisters are this important to him, that's great, but he should be the one choosing them over friends. Not the OP.

lilacck28 · June 2014

OP, in your original post you say that your fiance says to do whatever you want. That means he is being respectful. Having a sense that deep down he wants his sisters there does not make him the jerk that PP are making him out to be. I skim over posts all the time and get a bee in my bonnet over something I've read where I was missing a piece of information, so nbd.

Or maybe PP read between the lines more than I did. I took you at your word. Is it that you sense your fiance would like them there, or is it that this has been a conversation you have had with fiance and he has stated that he definitely wants you to have them as bridesmaids?

Either way, well, I agree that ultimately it is up to you. You decide who stands with you. But I also agree with PP that you are marrying into this family. My parents had a lot of friends that they invited to their wedding. My mother had my dad's two sisters as her only bridesmaids. After 30 years, my parents do not keep in contact with the friends they invited to the wedding, but they certainly still see my dad's sisters.

Another personal story:

My fiance's parents have commented to me and fiance multiple times about how they appreciate that I am nice to and try to include Fiance's younger sister. I truly believe that this has played a very large role in my getting along with his parents. She is going to be one of my bridesmaids.

ETA: spelling, clarity

bride044 · June 2014

Thank you everyone for your input/advice- lilacck28 is definitely right. My FI is being very respectful and is completely encouraging me to do whatever I'd like- he would never tell me to have them in my party. If I didn't, I'm 100% positive he wouldn't hold it against me.

However these are some good points- friends move away, etc. They will always be my sister-in-laws. Maybe it would make us closer?

AddieCake · June 2014

It will not likely make you closer, nor should you use your wedding as an attempt to do so.

NYCBruin · June 2014

AddieCake said:

It will not likely make you closer, nor should you use your wedding as an attempt to do so.

Eh I disagree with this. I've definitely gotten closer to FI's sisters since we got engaged. We always got along well and hang out, but they are interested in wedding things and are always asking to go to wedding/planning things. Having them in the bridal party has built in some time to spend with them without FI that I probably wouldn't have. I didn't ask them to be a part of the wedding party to get closer to them, but it has happened.

Also, the opposite can be true for some people. If someone views not being in the wedding party as a snub, it can definitely have lasting effects from hurt feelings (even though those feelings aren't justified).

I agree that it's the OP's wedding party and she should get to choose who is in it, but the implications from PPs that there won't be any consequences if she doesn't include them is just not true.

MuppetOverlord · June 2014

Do you want them in your wedding party? That's really the only question that I have for you.

It really can be that simple. You have no obligation to have them in your party. You can bond with them through the wedding planning process in many ways, they can still attend the related functions, they can come to rehearsal dinner if you want to invite them, they can go dress shopping with you if you're interested in asking them, and to your bachelorette... you can invite them over for a BBQ etc... there are many ways you can build on your relationship that are unrelated to them standing beside you in your wedding.

Here's what I would do: If I was unpressured, and if my husband really felt like our entire bridal party would be complete if I added his sisters to my side, and I liked them, I would do it. One of my friends (male) stood to my husband's side. To us, it didn't mean that I valued him any less that way.

But again, the only question that matters is whether you want them there because it's really based on your wishes and comfort.

kla728 · June 2014

I have 3 friends and my 2 future SILs as my bridesmaids. My FI has 3 friends, his brother & my brother as his groomsmen. We both come from huge extended families and family is really important to both of us, so having our siblings in the wedding party was the right choice for us. Only you can decide if its the right choice for you.

I would say don't look at it as though 'I could have XYZ friends in my party if I don't have my FSILs.' Have the friends you want in the party and have your FSILs in the party if you want to -- they are independent decisions.

huskypuppy14 · June 2014

If his sisters were so important to him, why aren't they on his side. I'm not trying to be difficult, but it's ridiculous that the onus falls on you because you and his sisters have the same genitalia.

My opinion is that he chose his side, and did not include his sisters, so obviously they are not as important as his friends to be in the wedding party.

I also think it's ridiculous that families pressure the future daughter or son in law (but come on it's usually the daughter in law), to include people in their wedding party. The bridal party is entirely up to the bride and groom, not their parents, not their siblings, just the bride and groom.

You do not have to include your sisters or brothers in your wedding party.

You do not have to include your fiance's sisters or brothers in your wedding party.

I will say, I only have sisters, and my FI only has brothers, so we don't even have to deal with this issue. (They are all in the bridal party).

ladyamanuet · June 2014

OP I think you said that they aren't as in to the wedding stuff as your friends are, so I don't see asking them as a way to bring you all closer together. Asking them to hang out outside of the wedding, making time to hang out with them - that will bring you closer together. It sounds like you want your friends over his sisters. Do that, and do something else to include them in the wedding - have them do a reading, give them a special corsage, mention them in a toast... but do not have them int he party if there is someone close to you that you would rather have.

simcal18 · June 2014

I'm struggling with a similar issue--I have two sisters and my FI has two sisters. My two sisters will be my maid of honor and matron of honor. FI's sisters are a bit older (very late 30s) and neither are particularly "girly girls" who would jump at the chance to be bridesmaids. I'm pretty close with one of them--we share a profession and get along very well--but she's nearly 40, has a toddler son who will be our ring bearer, and I don't want to add any extra obligations or tasks on top of her already incredibly busy life. FI's other sister is on the autism spectrum and while she's relatively high-functioning, big social gatherings are not exactly her forte.

Both my FI and his parents have given me no pressure whatsoever to have his sisters in the wedding party. FI even talked to his older sister and she basically said that she would do whatever she was asked for the wedding, she'd just like to be acknowledged as FI's sister somehow--which was incredibly sweet and supportive but hasn't really helped me make my decision. On the one hand, I'd ideally like to keep my bridal party relatively small (4-5 at most), and I have two close friends that I'd like to ask to be bridesmaids along with my sisters. On the other hand, I feel like weddings are a joining of two families, and while friends will come and go, FI's sisters will be my sisters-in-law for the rest of our lives. It's a tough call in some cases.

simcal18 · June 2014

I should add that we've considered having FI's sisters stand on his side in black dresses, and FI doesn't seem crazy about the idea. I may revisit the idea with him after reading this thread, though. I just want to make sure that his sisters feel included and acknowledged, however that may be.

bride044 · June 2014

mskatia said:

On the other hand, I feel like weddings are a joining of two families, and while friends will come and go, FI's sisters will be my sisters-in-law for the rest of our lives. It's a tough call in some cases.

This is a really good point.

On the other hand, my brother's wife didn't ask me (or my sister) to be in her wedding party (they ended up having a super small wedding in the end with no wedding parties) but I wasn't offended at all and don't feel like it made any difference really. Obviously I was still at their wedding and we all had a great time!

I'm probably stressing over this more than I need to!

lyndausvi · June 2014

I'm not close to my SILs at all. DH wanted them in the wedding. Sure they could have been on "his" side. But honestly we didn't looked at the wedding party in those terms. We felt everyone was "ours" not his or mine. It's clear we are unique in that line of thinking. Basically since it was important to him I felt I should honor that.

His sisters are NOT drama queens so that played into the decisions also. We actually asked them together, they accepted. I had ZERO expectations of them other than show up the day before the wedding and get a dress. We all live OOT from each other and the wedding site, so there's that. I absolutely do not regret my choice.

I've seen many BM and brides go there separates ways in the futures. Most not even because of any specific things, just life, kids, moving away, etc. Family seems to always stick around. My own nieces have looked at my sister's WP pictures and say "who is that?". They also look at the same picture and say "There is Aunt K [sis's sil]".

So my feeling on the subject if you are on the fence and they are not drama queens then I see no reason not to have them. Specially since you say your FI is close to them. I think its a nice gesture.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

I think dynamics play into it a lot. A lot of people keep saying "friends come and go but family is forever." Well, I've always been of the opinion you make your own family. I don't even know if my brother will be invited, so he definitely will not have a role in the ceremony itself. My best friends? They've stuck by me for years and are the sisters I chose for myself. I cannot imagine my day without them. FH doesn't have any sisters (expect a SIL that we haven't met yet - they live in Israel) so to be fair, I am not in the same situation. But if we were, I would still be choosing my best friends over his sisters. Because they ARE my family.

Fiance's Sisters As Bridesmaids.

Re: Fiance's Sisters As Bridesmaids.

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