Family problems - Just engaged and not sure what to do

love05312014 · June 2014

Hiiiii everyone. Newly engaged and not sure what to do about our wedding. I was upset and crying last night trying to figure out the easiest way to do this.

The background info:

-Fiance has only two family members to invite (his elderly mom and dad). No siblings and no extended family (they were all only children). So we would really like to have a small wedding (I'm talking TINY. Like 10 people for a ceremony, followed by a nice cozy private dinner somewhere with those same people that attend the ceremony. Very untraditional but suits us perfectly).

-My family = Parents are divorced and hate each other. I have a strained relationship with my father. I haven't seen or spoken to him in over 6 months, and he does not know we are engaged. He has met my fiance twice. My mom is remarried to a wonderful guy, and I have siblings on my mom's side that I would like to invite. I am not going to ask my father to walk me down the aisle. In fact, I'd prefer not to invite him at all. I want my mom to walk me down the aisle. But now my dad's family (his siblings, my cousins on that side) have all seen that we are engaged on Facebook. One of them asked me to call my dad to tell him.

-My mom does not speak to anyone in her family. I have a distant relationship with them, but no one else in my immediate family communicates with them.

HOW do I best determine what to do about handling inviting/not inviting certain close family members?? I want the wedding to just be about us, and really have had it with the drama on both sides of my family. I said to my man last night that I'd be happy just getting married at a courthouse, alone, and going away for a week alone and just skipping a wedding entirely... just to avoid the conversations that I really don't feel like I need to have with any family members. I've had a relative on my mom's side ask me if I was going to have 2 separate weddings so that I could invite my mom's family to one wedding and my immediate family to the other one, and that way they don't have to see each other. I wanted to slap her... and then send her an invoice for the cost of a second wedding.

I don't have any friends that really understand the whole situation (the reason my mom doesn't communicate with her family is a touchy subject), and want to do what makes US happy, but also don't want to feel pressured by any relatives to include them in something I'd prefer not to.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2014

1. People who cannot get along with each other do not get to force their families to host multiple iterations of the same event because they are being childish. They are expected to behave for one day.

2. Shared DNA or other genetic relationships mean exactly nothing when it comes to wedding invitations. You invite the people you want to have there, regardless of their relationship to you.

3. A tiny, private wedding is fine.

4. Weddings are not appropriate times for mending bad relationships. If you don't currently have a relationship with your father, you don't have to call him and tell him about the engagement or invite him to the wedding.

5. 'Close' is an emotional state of being, not a genetic state. Only emotional closeness matters when inviting people to weddings.

6. Your relatives' desires for a rapprochement or other closeness is utterly irrelevant to your wedding. They can want any damn thing they please. That doesn't mean you have to care what they want.

dolewhipper · June 2014

My sister had a 40 person wedding last sept. If she invited everyone, it would have been the 150 person wedding I'm having. Her relationships with our family is very different than mine, as well as what we both wanted in our weddings.

Out of the 80+ members of out family she included my mother, stepfather, father's siblings and their SO's, our grandparents, but not our step mother or step siblings or any other extended family or children.

All she said was, this is who I'm inviting and I don't care what you think, then the case was closed. She walked down the aisle with our mother, and it was a beautiful small wedding. Have the wedding you want

ladyamanuet · June 2014

"We haven't finalized the guest list. Have you tried this bean dip?" That is your response to anyone rude enough to ask if they are invited to your wedding.

Invite who you want. If you are not close to your mom's family, do not invite them. If you are, but your mom would be upset they are there - well that is for you to decide. Do you want to tell your mom that you are close with them so she needs to suck it up because it is important to you that they be there to celebrate? Or is it worth possibly harming your relationship with her family to keep her happy and not invite them?

I am in a similar situation, except that like my mother I do not speak to her family either. They might be upset that they aren't invited, but since I have absolutely no relationship with any of them, I care exactly nothing about that.

But you absolutely do not need to invite anyone you don't want to - UNLESS it is the SO of someone you are inviting. You cannot invite dad but not step-mom (unless Step-mom has been abusive to you or a guest in some way). You can't invite bro but not Bro's GF., and so on. SO must be invited - even if they've "only been dating 2 months"

After the wedding, if anyone rudely demands to know why they were not invited, let them know "we had an intimate ceremony of close family and friends only, and while we wish everyone could have been included, it just was not possible. Thank you so much for your well wishes! We are very excited about starting our life together. What do you think of this new bean dip? It is spicier than the last one."

love05312014 · June 2014

Thanks everyone for the responses! I'm glad the consensus is sort of what I was thinking. I just want to do what is right for us. I think the ceremony and reception guests will be: us, my mom and stepdad, my sisters and stepsister, and his parents. That's 9 people total. I had a coworker's child do that recently - tiny intimate ceremony and dinner with just immediate family. Then 6 months later, they had a going away party (they are moving) and combined it with a marriage celebration. It was a casual outdoor BBQ, very low key, low cost. I like the idea of doing something like that (especially since we are paying for this ourselves), and also because we are moving cross country in Summer 2015.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

Sounds like a great time! Have fun!!!

Inkdancer · June 2014

I highly recommend the tiny wedding. Mo' people, mo' problems.

STARMOON44 · June 2014

I think you'll have a lot less drama the shorter your engagement. With only 10 people , you could easily book a lovely private room for dinner and find an officiant on 2 months notice. Tell people who ask that you are keeping it very small and end the discussion.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

STARMOON44 said:

I think you'll have a lot less drama the shorter your engagement. With only 10 people , you could easily book a lovely private room for dinner and find an officiant on 2 months notice. Tell people who ask that you are keeping it very small and end the discussion.

I like the idea of doing it quickly. But mostly because I think it will be a huge relief when the planning is over and done with! =D

love05312014 · June 2014

I love the bean dip line lol! And for the relative that suggested we have two receptions so all of the family could attend... I was like "umm... no". My fiance's mom also has Parkinson's and is in a wheelchair, so we are also keeping accessibility in mind for her. She's told us in the past that she hoped to be around long enough to attend our wedding (sort of joking with my fiance, but I thought it was so sad). We're going to start looking around for venues within the next week, and accessibility for her is going to be my main focus. As much as I'd love to get married on a cliff overlooking the mountains at a winery, it's not realistic for his mom to be able to get there safely. It wouldn't be a ceremony if she couldn't get there!

love05312014 · June 2014

STARMOON44 said:

I think you'll have a lot less drama the shorter your engagement. With only 10 people , you could easily book a lovely private room for dinner and find an officiant on 2 months notice. Tell people who ask that you are keeping it very small and end the discussion.

^^That is also a great idea. We just got engaged on our 4 year anniversary this past Saturday night on 5/31 (I could still cry when I think about it! It was so sweet. I've been staring at the ring all day!). We're thinking of having the wedding either late September or early October this year - ideally outside. Both of our jobs suck and we won't get any vacation time to take a long honeymoon this year, we'll have to wait until next year when our vacation/PTO time renew LOL.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

I'm truly jealous of your ten person wedding. Enjoy!

wrigleyville · June 2014

We had a small wedding (40 people), and I will never, ever regret it.

It was amazing, for so many reasons.

Also, as soon as I reduced the guest list, all of my stress went away.

ashleyep · June 2014

FI's mom graciously suggested that his dad host a second reception for us so he could celebrate with us and not attend the wedding.

Yeah. No. We invited everyone. His mom is now not attending. That is her choice to make.

annathy03 · June 2014

Knottie52577506 said:

Thanks everyone for the responses! I'm glad the consensus is sort of what I was thinking. I just want to do what is right for us. I think the ceremony and reception guests will be: us, my mom and stepdad, my sisters and stepsister, and his parents. That's 9 people total. I had a coworker's child do that recently - tiny intimate ceremony and dinner with just immediate family. Then 6 months later, they had a going away party (they are moving) and combined it with a marriage celebration. It was a casual outdoor BBQ, very low key, low cost. I like the idea of doing something like that (especially since we are paying for this ourselves), and also because we are moving cross country in Summer 2015.

I think this sounds lovely, and is perfectly fine etiquette wise assuming your sisters and stepsister are single- and remember if they start dating anyone that their SO needs to be invited, but that still sounds like a max of 12. Marriage celebrations some time later are OK as long as they don't have the trappings of a wedding (registry, bridal party, etc) but if people want to talk to you about the wedding after and see your photos they'll bring it up, so don't feel like you have to do something after to accommodate the rest of your family- it's absolutely not necessary of you to do so.

love05312014 · June 2014

annathy03 said:

Knottie52577506 said:

Thanks everyone for the responses! I'm glad the consensus is sort of what I was thinking. I just want to do what is right for us. I think the ceremony and reception guests will be: us, my mom and stepdad, my sisters and stepsister, and his parents. That's 9 people total. I had a coworker's child do that recently - tiny intimate ceremony and dinner with just immediate family. Then 6 months later, they had a going away party (they are moving) and combined it with a marriage celebration. It was a casual outdoor BBQ, very low key, low cost. I like the idea of doing something like that (especially since we are paying for this ourselves), and also because we are moving cross country in Summer 2015.

I think this sounds lovely, and is perfectly fine etiquette wise assuming your sisters and stepsister are single- and remember if they start dating anyone that their SO needs to be invited, but that still sounds like a max of 12. Marriage celebrations some time later are OK as long as they don't have the trappings of a wedding (registry, bridal party, etc) but if people want to talk to you about the wedding after and see your photos they'll bring it up, so don't feel like you have to do something after to accommodate the rest of your family- it's absolutely not necessary of you to do so.

I'd forgotten about my sister's SO because I haven't seen him in almost 2 years lol but I would invite him too then - so a total of 10 people. He lives 9 hours away, but I'm sure would drive up here. The other 2 are both single at the moment.

I also like that you used the word "trapping" haha... I'm supposed to be the MOH for a relative's wedding this summer, but her fiance's family planned her bridal shower on the weekend that my fiance and I have been scheduled to go on vacation since November 2013 (that's how long ago we put in the time off requests at work!) so I'm missing the shower and they all think I'm a horrible person now. These are the same people I don't want to invite to our wedding. All of the shenanigans that have been incurred during the year and a half she's been planning her wedding made me see that that's the exact opposite of what I want. It really brings out the worst in people. I've also attended large (300+ people), expensive (like $250K+) weddings as a guest and never even got to see the bride and groom... it was like we weren't even there.

AddieCake · June 2014

OP, you are in no way obligated to do this, but could I convince you to choose a username? We have had several people join lately with no username and just defaulting to "Knottienumbers." It makes it difficult to get to know you and recognize you as a poster if you have that as a username.

annathy03 · June 2014

Knottie52577506 said:

annathy03 said:

Knottie52577506 said:

Thanks everyone for the responses! I'm glad the consensus is sort of what I was thinking. I just want to do what is right for us. I think the ceremony and reception guests will be: us, my mom and stepdad, my sisters and stepsister, and his parents. That's 9 people total. I had a coworker's child do that recently - tiny intimate ceremony and dinner with just immediate family. Then 6 months later, they had a going away party (they are moving) and combined it with a marriage celebration. It was a casual outdoor BBQ, very low key, low cost. I like the idea of doing something like that (especially since we are paying for this ourselves), and also because we are moving cross country in Summer 2015.

I think this sounds lovely, and is perfectly fine etiquette wise assuming your sisters and stepsister are single- and remember if they start dating anyone that their SO needs to be invited, but that still sounds like a max of 12. Marriage celebrations some time later are OK as long as they don't have the trappings of a wedding (registry, bridal party, etc) but if people want to talk to you about the wedding after and see your photos they'll bring it up, so don't feel like you have to do something after to accommodate the rest of your family- it's absolutely not necessary of you to do so.

I'd forgotten about my sister's SO because I haven't seen him in almost 2 years lol but I would invite him too then - so a total of 10 people. He lives 9 hours away, but I'm sure would drive up here. The other 2 are both single at the moment.

I also like that you used the word "trapping" haha... I'm supposed to be the MOH for a relative's wedding this summer, but her fiance's family planned her bridal shower on the weekend that my fiance and I have been scheduled to go on vacation since November 2013 (that's how long ago we put in the time off requests at work!) so I'm missing the shower and they all think I'm a horrible person now. These are the same people I don't want to invite to our wedding. All of the shenanigans that have been incurred during the year and a half she's been planning her wedding made me see that that's the exact opposite of what I want. It really brings out the worst in people. I've also attended large (300+ people), expensive (like $250K+) weddings as a guest and never even got to see the bride and groom... it was like we weren't even there.

Ugh! Yeah, I wouldn't want to invite them either. Some people can't get off work easily, and it's ridiculous when others act like they're just being selfish- how dare you prioritize your livelihood! Mine had pretty limited drama (a cousin who was pissed she couldn't bring her son, and some of FILs cousins who gave FIL a hard time- as if he had control of the guest list!), but my sister saw how much work and money went into it and decided to have a wedding very similar to what you want- they were married in a small chapel and went to dinner after, I think there were 12 of us including their infant daughter. And it was great

scrunchythief · June 2014

Knottie52577506 said:

annathy03 said:

Knottie52577506 said:

I also like that you used the word "trapping" haha... I'm supposed to be the MOH for a relative's wedding this summer, but her fiance's family planned her bridal shower on the weekend that my fiance and I have been scheduled to go on vacation since November 2013 (that's how long ago we put in the time off requests at work!) so I'm missing the shower and they all think I'm a horrible person now. These are the same people I don't want to invite to our wedding. All of the shenanigans that have been incurred during the year and a half she's been planning her wedding made me see that that's the exact opposite of what I want. It really brings out the worst in people. I've also attended large (300+ people), expensive (like $250K+) weddings as a guest and never even got to see the bride and groom... it was like we weren't even there.

I will never understand why people get so upset over showers. My fiance's mom is hosting one for me in his hometown, and neither my MOH or bridesmaid will be able to make it because of distance. My mom might make it, since it's her weekend off, but I'd more than understand if she didn't want to spend her weekend off driving 6 hours round trip (she only gets every fifth weekend off). And neither I nor my FMIL would dream of trying to make anyone feel bad for not making it, no matter what the reason. Enjoy your vacation!

Zhabeego · June 2014

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. First thing - tell the cousin who asked you to tell your Dad they need to butt out of your relationship with him. Its none of their business. Repeat this to anyone else who tries to intervene or offer an opinion. Decide what you want to do about your Dad. If you are prepared to accept the consequences of not inviting him, then don't. But if you think you would like a relationship with him - invite him as a guest. Your expectation should be that adults can behave like adults. If your parents won't come if the other is invited, tell them they will be missed. If they can paste on a smile for one day and be civil to one another, shame on them. As for extended family, either invite who you like and say f-it to the rest or, if you want to be diplomatic, employ a finite cut off - as in you will invite all aunts and uncles, but no cousins. Or all first cousins but that's it. Or immediate family only. If you are consistent - it makes it harder for people to complain that you are being unfair.

love05312014 · June 2014

AddieCake said:

OP, you are in no way obligated to do this, but could I convince you to choose a username? We have had several people join lately with no username and just defaulting to "Knottienumbers." It makes it difficult to get to know you and recognize you as a poster if you have that as a username.

Username changed

love05312014 · June 2014

And to update: My dad coincidentally called me yesterday after work. I told him we got engaged. He congratulated us and that was the end of the conversation. I called my mom yesterday and told her how I was feeling uneasy about how to tell extended family that I don't want them at our wedding. She told me to just do whatever we wanted to, and we were under no obligations to anyone to invite them to anything. She also told my little sister to give me a call last night to say the same thing.

One of my employees at work noticed my ring today and congratulated me. She had a tiny wedding last fall herself (like 15 people), and I told her we were planning something small as well. She said it was the best decision she's ever made and she has no regrets. So glad others feel the same way!

And in related news... I think I found a dress already! Hopefully going to go try it on this weekend or next weekend. Plain, simple, inexpensive. I think the wedding band to match my engagement ring might be the most expensive piece of the whole event :X Lol!!

Kauris · June 2014

I just want to say that your whole attitude about the whole thing is very lovely and refreshing. You clearly have the marriage in mind while thinking of planning your wedding and I think that is so wonderful! I hope you have a lovely wedding and I'm sure you'll have a wonderful marriage!

love05312014 · June 2014

kasmith1 said:

I just want to say that your whole attitude about the whole thing is very lovely and refreshing. You clearly have the marriage in mind while thinking of planning your wedding and I think that is so wonderful! I hope you have a lovely wedding and I'm sure you'll have a wonderful marriage!

Awwww you're going to make me cry!!! You are too sweet!!!

ShellD13 · June 2014

This sounds very similar to what my FI and I are doing ourselves. Our guest list is 14 including FI, Myself, his three children. My bio dad is not invited. My bio parents divorced when I was three and it was a very contentious relationship for most of my young adult years. We have started rebuilding lately but a lot of water has gone under the bridge - he knows we are engaged - but I told him it was a small private wedding just FI, Myself, and kids - to avoid drama. Further my bio mom passed away when I was a teenager. If I invited my whole family (bio dad side, bio mom side, and foster family side) the guest list would have easily eclipsed 175 people.

We have planned a small ceremony at a local park and then we are taking everyone out to lunch afterwards. FI and I are very low key in general so it is what we wanted to do and it fits us perfectly.

I'm glad you are getting support from your mom and sister! That is wonderful! Congrats on the engagement!

love05312014 · June 2014

ShellD13 said:

This sounds very similar to what my FI and I are doing ourselves. Our guest list is 14 including FI, Myself, his three children. My bio dad is not invited. My bio parents divorced when I was three and it was a very contentious relationship for most of my young adult years. We have started rebuilding lately but a lot of water has gone under the bridge - he knows we are engaged - but I told him it was a small private wedding just FI, Myself, and kids - to avoid drama. Further my bio mom passed away when I was a teenager. If I invited my whole family (bio dad side, bio mom side, and foster family side) the guest list would have easily eclipsed 175 people.

We have planned a small ceremony at a local park and then we are taking everyone out to lunch afterwards. FI and I are very low key in general so it is what we wanted to do and it fits us perfectly.

I'm glad you are getting support from your mom and sister! That is wonderful! Congrats on the engagement!

Your wedding sounds great!! The ceremony and then lunch is a great idea. I'm now struggling with finding a small venue to accommodate our total of 10 people lol. They all have 40 person minimums or higher, so I may end up looking for a restaurant with a totally private room that we could use. Congrats to you and your fiance!

cleveralias · June 2014

My suggestion would be this... if you are having problems finding a venue.

1. Go to the courthouse to get married... all of your family can be there.
2. Go to a local restaurant for the reception/meal. Most restaurants will have small private areas you can reserve.

Easy Peasy!!

a13049 · June 2014

I have a huge, obnoxious extended family. They get along, but sit around judging everyone. It is constant drama and I don't want it at my wedding. We are having 25 guests and I love it. When they ask about a second wedding or AHR there is never enough bean dip around so I have to excuse myself to the bathroom constantly. They must think I constantly have uti or something. I agree with pp, it would have been a lot easier if we planned a shorter engagment

love05312014 · June 2014

Thanks everyone! I like the restaurant idea.

@a13049, what does AHR mean? Sorry... very new here!

a13049 · June 2014

At home reception. We chose a dw

GuitarSlayer · June 2014

Tiny wedding here also! The target is under 20. Although FI and I do have jobs that entail speaking in front of large groups, vowing eternity to each other in front of 150 people is waaay different. So far, it's just parents, siblings, partners of siblings, godparents, grandparents, and a few mutual friends. My parents did something similar for their wedding, and no regrets there. They're also down with us eloping, so they aren't too hard to please. FI's parents want us to have a big wedding and they are giving FI grief about it, but both of us know we'd be happier (as would our budget) if we kept it small.

Family problems - Just engaged and not sure what to do

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