Italian family revolting about private ceremony

JerZNix · June 2014

i come from a very large, very controlling, roman catholic italian family. my fiance and i would rather spend the money on our new home than a big wedding. when i announced to my big fat italian family that we were having a private ceremony (just parents/grandparents) and having a BBQ for everyone afterward, my aunt accused me of being cheap, selfish and disgracing my deceased father's memory. she immediately began attacking my fiance saying he was clearly brainwashing me and trying to cheat me out of a princess wedding. since that altercation, i have put some distance between my extended family to let things cool down but now my aunt has taken to cornering my sister and mother (both of whom are on my side and just want me to be happy) to question them about our choices and even question my choice of fiance.

we aren't getting married for another year and i dont really want to have this be the only topic of conversation for the next year. part of why i dont want a big wedding is to avoid this kind of drama.

I feel that if my aunt has such a problem with my choices, then she shouldnt attend the BBQ and at the very least, she owes us an apology for all of the horrible things she said before she can attend. she is the matriarch of my family and i'm afraid confronting her will force the entire family to choose sides and i'll lose all of them because the common practice in my family is to let her have her way rather than confront her or hold her accountable for her (many) mean outbursts. everyone else is disappointed but are taking the "it's your life" approach. I'm afraid sitting down with her to talk about it will turn into another attack and i'm not sure ignoring it is the right idea because eventually i'll have to invite her to the BBQ without the apology having been said. i don't even know what would happen if I just didnt invite her- the entire family would probably revolt.

has anyone had a problem like this? what's the right thing to do? I'm so upset- the whole idea of eloping/private ceremony was to avoid all of this. Help!

bethsmiles · June 2014

I probably wouldn't have told them about your plan to elope. But your past that point. Honestly, if my family was causing me this much stress over a wedding which should be a HAPPY time, I wouldn't be throwing a BBQ. I'd elope and be done with it.

phira · June 2014

Is there any reason you can't elope now? Is there a reason to wait a year? It really sounds like your family will not be satisfied unless you have the kind of wedding they want you to have. That doesn't mean you need to cave! It means that you need to accept that you cannot please them and make yourself happy with your wedding choice.

Elopements are not rude. You are not doing anything wrong. But you are also not going to get an apology from your aunt; it sounds like she feels entirely justified to torment you.

So, honestly, I would just elope as soon as you can and don't tell your families when it's going to happen. It's much easier to accept that you are not having the big princess wedding when you're already married--they can't convince you to change your mind if it's already done.

This isn't REMOTELY as big of a problem, but I got a lot of resistance from a lot of people (friends and family) when they found out I wanted a blue wedding dress. Once I went out and bought a blue dress, everyone calmed down and said it was lovely and made a lot of really nice comments about it (e.g. "This isn't want I expected when you said you wanted a blue dress; I think this is really awesome."). The moral of the story? It's much harder for people to judge you and torment you for your choices if everything's DONE already.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2014

If you're truly eloping, why are you waiting a year? Why not do it tomorrow?

The sooner you do this, the sooner your aunt will have to build a bridge and GTFO this.

STARMOON44 · June 2014

Why on earth would you give your bossy controlling family a year's notice of your elopement? June 21st is a great day. You could celebrate on the first day of summer every year. 2 weeks from now run off and get married and don't tell anyone until you are back. This is how you elope. Later this summer invite people to a BBQ. Done.

JerZNix · June 2014

thanks everyone! we announced it because they kept badgering me with "have you picked a date? where is the registry? lets chat about the shower!" so i blurted out one day "we aren't doing any of that. we're eloping". probably shouldnt have, but i can't unring that bell. I wanted my grandparents at the elopement ceremony and then everyone go back to the house for the BBQ on the same day. we're building a pole barn and we wanted to have it in there but it won't be done til next spring (i think). you guys bring up a good point though- sooner might be better.

sofakingmad · June 2014

If your grandparents were going to be there, then you aren't eloping.

STARMOON44 · June 2014

So you're actually not eloping at all then. You're having a local ceremony, planned ahead of time, with just your grandparents, and then inviting everyone to a BBQ the same day. That's called having a private ceremony and then a reception.

phira · June 2014

Ah, that's not an elopement. Although it sounds like maybe you should elope.

JerZNix · June 2014

we haven't really worked it all out yet but we wanted to go away and elope but my fiance wants his parents/grandparents there so obviously mine will have to be there too. my grandparents cant travel so it'd have to be local. i figured better to just get it all done with in one day but with the way things are going, we may have to just go elope and figure out the party thing later. either way, my aunt sees it as an elopement since she won't be at the ceremony and she's flipping out.

phira · June 2014

JerZNix said:

we haven't really worked it all out yet but we wanted to go away and elope but my fiance wants his parents/grandparents there so obviously mine will have to be there too. my grandparents cant travel so it'd have to be local. i figured better to just get it all done with in one day but with the way things are going, we may have to just go elope and figure out the party thing later. either way, my aunt sees it as an elopement since she won't be at the ceremony and she's flipping out.

How quickly could you plan the ceremony and tiny reception (e.g. lunch dinner with parents/grandparents afterwards)? I definitely think you could get it done very soon/quickly, and then figure out the non-wedding reception later.

HisGirlFriday13 · June 2014

Eloping means running away and not telling anyone until after you get back and are married.

Planning a small, private ceremony for a year from now at which some people like your FI's parents and grandparents will be there followed immediately by a BBQ party for everyone is not eloping.

Neither choice is wrong, but I understand your aunt's anger a little better now.

I still suggest getting married ASAP, and having a true elopement, just the two of you.

Jells2dot0 · June 2014

I agree- that is not an elopement. I really eloped- didn't tell anyone and let them know after the fact. Therefore, there was ZERO drama leading up to the big day. If you are willing to not have anyone present, really, truly elope and then tell everyone after the fact that you're married. Have the BBQ as planned and invite everyone. If people have a problem with it, they can choose to not come.

Unfortunately, you can't take back telling people about your plans. As soon as you involve other people, you have to deal with the support or backlash that comes along with it. Again, I would highly consider really eloping to have the day you envisioned without the drama.

JerZNix · June 2014

scribe95 said:

Yeah, that's not eloping. You are having a planned private ceremony a year away. Is there a special reason you don't want your family there - like your parents?

You don't have to have a big to-do. Could still have a BBQ where you say your vows while people sit at picnic tables.

We had a planned to elope but as time went on it's starting to spiral out of control. we both got new jobs, moved to a new state, bought a house, and got engaged in 3 the last 3 months (we've been together for 5 yrs) so we figured we'd just elope or have a small ceremony with parents/grandparents and then later have a wedding/housewarming/new job/barn raising celebratory BBQ in the new backyard. To try to calm my family, i figured doing on the same day as the ceremony might take the edge off. maybe we need to go back to the original plan and do it seperately.

KGold80 · June 2014

STARMOON44 said:

Why on earth would you give your bossy controlling family a year's notice of your elopement? June 21st is a great day. You could celebrate on the first day of summer every year. 2 weeks from now run off and get married and don't tell anyone until you are back. This is how you elope. Later this summer invite people to a BBQ. Done.

I'm just gonna say...I totally agree with the bolded!

It sounds like your aunt isn't going to be happy unless you do things her way, and you don't want to do that, so you and your FI need to decide what you want and just do it. I agree that if you're going to have a small, private ceremony, might as well get it over and done instead of dealing with a year of bullshit from meddling relatives.

JerZNix · June 2014

updated the post to omit "elopement"

phira · June 2014

scribe95 said:

I just don't understand why you can't get married next year as planned with family and friends - including your aunt etc - at a BBQ that you already had planned to host. There doesn't have to be "wedding stuff."

Waiting till next year = a whole year of BSC auntie going BSC.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

PPs have great ideas. It sounds like you and your Fi should plan your private ceremony and tiny reception afterwards (lunch or dinner with the family members who will be there), ASAP. June 21 sounds like a lovely date!!

Just wanted to commiserate because this sounds EXACTLY like Fi's family (they are from Sicily and somewhere else in the South, Naples I think). We are having a big traditional wedding, but they are freaking out because the ceremony will be secular and because we are limiting the guest list to about 170 people. 170 is too small for them!!!!! If you did cave in and have a bigger wedding, I can almost guarantee BSC aunt would find something else to complain about. Just stick to your guns.

melbenso · June 2014

If it were my aunt saying that, I wouldn't be inviting her to the post wedding celebration. "I'm sorry you feel that way, Aunt. I'll mark you down as a no for the BBQ."

[Deleted User] · June 2014

Call the parents, grandparents, and officiant and find a day in the next 30 days where you can all get together for a wedding and a meal. Buy rings. Get married. Go out to eat. Send wedding announcements. When you're ready for the barn-raising, invite whoever you'd invite to something like that.

annathy03 · June 2014

It sounds like your wedding guest list is in the 10-12 range (you two, parents, grandparents), which you can easily make a lunch or dinner reservation for sometime this month.

Honestly unless there is another reason for waiting, I agree with PPs who would encourage you to get married this month. You can always do a 1 year anniversary BBQ party, and like it or not your extended family should accept it by then and the dust will have likely settled.

Good luck!

Jen4948 · June 2014

scribe95 said:

phira said:

scribe95 said:

I just don't understand why you can't get married next year as planned with family and friends - including your aunt etc - at a BBQ that you already had planned to host. There doesn't have to be "wedding stuff."

Waiting till next year = a whole year of BSC auntie going BSC.

Yes, but she can tell aunt she is invited to her low-key BBQ wedding to get her off her back.

Stuck in box...

I don't think inviting this BSC aunt to anything will "get her off her back." The BSC aunt will simply see it as something else she can try to control or be bitchy about it if she can't. And why, after saying such nasty things about the OP's FI, would this woman be welcome at anything in his honor?

lc07 · June 2014

I don't think the BBQ is going to stop these complaining relatives from complaining. I'd just have the wedding you want with whomever you want. Forget the BBQ.

phira · June 2014

lc07 said:

I don't think the BBQ is going to stop these complaining relatives from complaining. I'd just have the wedding you want with whomever you want. Forget the BBQ.

Agreed, mostly. If the BBQ is something you and your fiance want, then go for it. But if it's something you'd be doing to appease family members who would only be appeased if you got married The Correct Way, then it's a waste of your time and money.

photokitty · June 2014

If my aunt said I was being cheap with my etiquette approved wedding plans, I would agree and ask her if she wanted to pay for my wedding in the style the family deserves! She opened up the money conversation so she must be willing to contribute, right???

JCbride2015 · June 2014

photokitty said:

If my aunt said I was being cheap with my etiquette approved wedding plans, I would agree and ask her if she wanted to pay for my wedding in the style the family deserves! She opened up the money conversation so she must be willing to contribute, right???

Honestly, I have come very close to saying this to Fi's mom. She started in on this very long list of people they wanted invited that we had never met, and talking about limos and party buses, and crazy decor ideas. I just said, "We have no money from our families and this is what we can afford on our own." It was really hard not to add, "If you want it, you can pay for it!"

love05312014 · June 2014

JerZNix said:

I'm afraid sitting down with her to talk about it will turn into another attack and i'm not sure ignoring it is the right idea because eventually i'll have to invite her to the BBQ without the apology having been said. i don't even know what would happen if I just didnt invite her- the entire family would probably revolt.

In addition to suggestions from others, if any family member, I don't care who they are, treated us like that after we chose to share our wedding plans with them, they would not be invited to the event. End of discussion. Don't feel obligated to invite your aunt to anything, I wouldn't.

GuitarSlayer · June 2014

You have a choice. Either you kow-tow to the cow, or you get married privately and have the reception as you wanted. I'd go for the second option with great haste (as rec'ed by other posters), and don't invite her. No more confrontations - don't deal with BSC people. Let the family revolt about her not being invited -- smaller guest list! Your ceremony is the thing that seems to matter to you, hence its privacy -- if nobody in that lot is affected by BSC auntie, full speed ahead.

Small weddings are no shame at all; they cut down on drama because the troublemakers are not there. She's judging your wedding based upon her idea of a "good" wedding, which involves glitz, glamor, and a lot of money. She also wants to make as much drama as possible so she gets a share of the attention. If your family members are worth having at the reception, they will blow her off and attend. If they don't go just because of her, would you have wanted them there? Don't forget that you do have friends and other people not affected by the family drama. You won't be alone on your wedding day.

MW5280 · June 2014

Oh, I so understand the Italian relatives issue.

I have relatives flipping out that we're only inviting 120 people, that it will be on a Sunday morning, that it is a short engagement, that we aren't really involving attendants...

Oh...the Italians... (It's been our family sigh/mantra for years.)

PrettyGirlLost · June 2014

MW5280 said:

Oh, I so understand the Italian relatives issue.

I have relatives flipping out that we're only inviting 120 people, that it will be on a Sunday morning, that it is a short engagement, that we aren't really involving attendants...

Oh...the Italians... (It's been our family sigh/mantra for years.)

I'm Italian and my family is not like this at all. . . I find these types of generalizations annoying.

I know people who have controlling, pain in the ass families who are Greek, Jewish, Irish, Polish, German, etc. Pains in the asses are international.

MW5280 · June 2014

I'm not saying that I don't love my Italian family, and I'm not saying exclusively an Italian trait.

I'm just saying that I understand OP's situation. Sometimes the only thing you need to hear is that you aren't the only one encountering an obstacle.

Italian family revolting about private ceremony

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