Invited....Oh Wait...Nope.

LakeR2014 · June 2014

I just had to share this because it was definitely a 'WTF' moment last night...

FI and I were out at a dinner party and discussing up coming weddings. Our host was telling us about a wedding she's in at the end of the summer where she was recently informed her live-in SO is no longer invited. As in he was UN-invited! Apparently the bride & groom underestimated their guest count and rescinded the invitation to the significant others of the wedding party (if they weren't married). There's three of the BMs that she knows this is happening to, all of whom are in commited, long-term relationships. I looked at her and was like 'You are kidding me, right?!' Alas, she said 'No.' The brides way of making it ok? 'Once we get RSVPs in we'll know if we have enough room and can re-invite them.'

Who in the world thinks this is ok to do to anyone let alone people in your BRIDAL PARTY?!?!

KatieinBkln · June 2014

If that happened to me, I'd seriously consider dropping out of the wedding party. That is some fuckery.

Aray82 · June 2014

I assume she'll be un-inviting her groom too? Because they're not married either at this point?

Geeeez. I need more coffee to process this...

LondonLisa · June 2014

That is so embarrassingly rude! It would be hard to not to say in response "Well, it sounds like you don't want guests so I won't attend, then. Therefore you can now re-invite Other Bridesmaid's SO".

rhiannon383 · June 2014

How the heck does 3 more people make that much of a difference? So dumb.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

I would be letting the bride no that she is in luck and has two extra spots available since not only is my SO no longer invited, I myself will not be attending either.

OnceUponAVine · June 2014

I'm on the same page as PP's. If my SO is not invited then I would not be attending and certainly would not be standing up supporting their relationship after she disrespected mine like that.

huskypuppy14 · June 2014

Seriously people! Plan your guest list and budget for 100% attendance (with everyone having a plus one, just in case). We did this, and if absolutely everyone came, it would have been a little tight money wise, but we would have made it work. As it happens, less people are coming than we expected, so we have a big cushion.

ladyamanuet · June 2014

I am a BM in a wedding in the fall. If the bridge told me my FH, who I've lived with for 5 years, is no longer invited, I would tell her I was no longer a BM. Fuck that.

slothiegal · June 2014

Oh hell no.

LakeR2014 · June 2014

To all of you...I agree.

I forgot this tidbit. "It's ok to not invite the SO's, because we have only verbally invited them, and we hadn't put them on the invites yet."

Again, sooooooooooooo much WTF?! that I definitely had to drink a full glass of wine while trying to comprehend what the BM was telling me.

Jen4948 · June 2014

I would uninvite myself from a wedding if my SO were uninvited-including if I were in the wedding party.

I did decline an invitation to me that did not include my BF-he's really my FI although we have not announced an engagement publicly or set a date.

carliealissa · June 2014

Why is she going to this wedding, let alone standing up in it?

LondonLisa · June 2014

I couldn't stand up for someone else's relationship when they didn't respect mine. How hurtful!

annathy03 · June 2014

I'd drop out of that wedding so fast.

One of my BMs was a BM in a wedding the year before her own where the bride didn't invite her live-in BF (now H) to the rehearsal dinner b/c they weren't engaged yet. That bride was a total zilla in so many ways, but THAT was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. My friend could handle doing centerpieces and programs and all this BS that she shouldn't have been asked/told to help with, but the bride disrespecting her relationship is what devastated their friendship.

It's so rediculous how snowflakes can't see how treating your friends and family as if their relationships aren't good enough comes across to the people they claim to care about.

speakeasy14 · June 2014

While I cannot believe they actually uninvited people, if this girl has already invested a lot into the wedding I can see why she is still a bridesmaid.

I was in a wedding where I was told from the start that because I was not engaged or married I could not have a date (I was in a long term relationship, with someone the bride and groom were friends with, but it wasn't serious enough in their eyes). The day before the wedding they had one person cancel and I received a phone call where the bride asked me to bring my boyfriend because they thought over who they should ask to come and everyone they thought of they would also have to let them bring a date...

d2va · June 2014

What the hell is wrong with people!!?!?!?

I gave almost everyone a +1!

One of my BMs is truely single and is not seeing anyone, still gave her a +1. She called me LOLing that shes glad Im thinking positive. lol

Your BP is supposed to be your nearest and dearest and this is how you thank them..?

HORRENDOUS.

I would have let it sink in and then tell bride after that I wont be attending either. I wouldnt even care about the money lost at that point. Screw it,

Gerbertmcway · June 2014

I like to consider myself very easygoing and forgiving when it comes to wedding etiquette, but even I think I would drop out of the bridal party and likely not attend the wedding. Luckily, I don't think I know anyone whose bridal party I would possibly be in who would do something so shitty.

mrsmorales2be · June 2014

Just....wow. Yeah, she'd have one more extra space, and one less bridesmaid, because I'd definitely bow out.

hyechica81 · June 2014

sounds like she a does not want to spend the extra cash on the extra 3 people or she invited more than her venue can hold and is hoping mass people decline so she can then invite the 3 if she still has open space

Maggie0829 · June 2014

bookstorespeakeasy14 said:

While I cannot believe they actually uninvited people, if this girl has already invested a lot into the wedding I can see why she is still a bridesmaid.

I was in a wedding where I was told from the start that because I was not engaged or married I could not have a date (I was in a long term relationship, with someone the bride and groom were friends with, but it wasn't serious enough in their eyes). The day before the wedding they had one person cancel and I received a phone call where the bride asked me to bring my boyfriend because they thought over who they should ask to come and everyone they thought of they would also have to let them bring a date...

I wouldn't give a shit how much I invested into being a BM for this person. My ass would be sitting at home or having a fun date day with my H the day of her wedding. I would happily waste the money I invested to stick up for my relationship and not allow a so called friend to shit on it just because she is a crappy planner.

Amonite · June 2014

While the bride's actions might be rude (to verbally invite and then rescind), a good friend would be understanding.

She is likely under a great deal of stress and a mountain of details, dealing with costs, venues, keeping friends happy, etc. As such, she may have initially thought she could invite more people than she could. Her request that he not come is valid. (Who else should she cut? Family, close friends who have been there for her, etc?)

Her forthrightness in being willing to bring up a difficult topic, but make it clear that if space opens up if available, is commendable.

The bridesmaid is free to drop out, but I would recommend helping the bride out in this case and forgiving the slip - otherwise the friendship probably doesn't mean much, so why are you being a bridesmaid?

ladyamanuet · June 2014

Amonite said:

While the bride's actions might be rude (to verbally invite and then rescind), a good friend would be understanding.

She is likely under a great deal of stress and a mountain of details, dealing with costs, venues, keeping friends happy, etc. As such, she may have initially thought she could invite more people than she could. Her request that he not come is valid. (Who else should she cut? Family, close friends who have been there for her, etc?)

Her forthrightness in being willing to bring up a difficult topic, but make it clear that if space opens up if available, is commendable.

The bridesmaid is free to drop out, but I would recommend helping the bride out in this case and forgiving the slip - otherwise the friendship probably doesn't mean much, so why are you being a bridesmaid?

A good friend wouldn't rescind the invite in the first place. The bride is one putting the friendship in jeopardy. The stress of wedding planning does not excuse so rude an action.

RissAnn1970 · June 2014

Amonite said:
While the bride's actions might be rude (to verbally invite and then rescind), a good friend would be understanding.

She is likely under a great deal of stress and a mountain of details, dealing with costs, venues, keeping friends happy, etc. As such, she may have initially thought she could invite more people than she could. Her request that he not come is valid. (Who else should she cut? Family, close friends who have been there for her, etc?)

Her forthrightness in being willing to bring up a difficult topic, but make it clear that if space opens up if available, is commendable.

The bridesmaid is free to drop out, but I would recommend helping the bride out in this case and forgiving the slip - otherwise the friendship probably doesn't mean much, so why are you being a bridesmaid?

Bull. I am more there for my friends than almost anyone in the history of friendship. They know my phone is on literally 24/7 if they need to call. I've been known to get dressed in the middle of the night to go sit in a diner over coffee and listen to a friend cry. I'll help my friends move. I'll donate my professional services to them. I've offered my guest room. I don't expect anything in return except not to be mistreated.

And if a "friend" pulled this bullshit on me, I would absolutely NOT be a bridesmaid, NOT attend the wedding, and WOULD be short one friend thereafter.

lyndausvi · June 2014

Amonite said:

While the bride's actions might be rude (to verbally invite and then rescind), a good friend would be understanding.

She is likely under a great deal of stress and a mountain of details, dealing with costs, venues, keeping friends happy, etc. As such, she may have initially thought she could invite more people than she could. Her request that he not come is valid. (Who else should she cut? Family, close friends who have been there for her, etc?)

Her forthrightness in being willing to bring up a difficult topic, but make it clear that if space opens up if available, is commendable.

The bridesmaid is free to drop out, but I would recommend helping the bride out in this case and forgiving the slip - otherwise the friendship probably doesn't mean much, so why are you being a bridesmaid?

I will pick my SO over my friend any day. That is why they are my SO. If a "friend" un-invited my SO then they are not much of a friend. I will not have my SO sitting at home by themselves while I go be a BM in a wedding they were un-invited to. Oh HELL no.

If my SO stood up at a wedding where I was uninvited we might not be SOs anymore. Seriously.

BrandNewJ · June 2014

Amonite said:

While the bride's actions might be rude (to verbally invite and then rescind), a good friend would be understanding.

She is likely under a great deal of stress and a mountain of details, dealing with costs, venues, keeping friends happy, etc. As such, she may have initially thought she could invite more people than she could. Her request that he not come is valid. (Who else should she cut? Family, close friends who have been there for her, etc?)

Her forthrightness in being willing to bring up a difficult topic, but make it clear that if space opens up if available, is commendable.

The bridesmaid is free to drop out, but I would recommend helping the bride out in this case and forgiving the slip - otherwise the friendship probably doesn't mean much, so why are you being a bridesmaid?

I have to say, this response really surprises me. So, you would be okay if your SO was invited and then UN-invited? Have you done this to your friends? Nothing about essentially saying to your friend "hey, you're invited, but we don't take your relationship seriously enough so your SO isn't invited anymore" is forthright or commendable. I would be upset if this happened to me, and I sure would never do it to someone I consider close enough to invite to my wedding.

[Deleted User] · June 2014

I don't know how long Amonite has been around, but she gives crap advice.

Inkdancer · June 2014

adk19 said:

I don't know how long Amonite has been around, but she gives crap advice.

First I've seen her was starting in the past few days, and the mind boggles at how easily she tosses actual etiquette out the window for pseudo-etiquette that is almost correct but not really true at all.

wrigleyville · June 2014

Your mood should not dictate your manners.

In other words, being stressed about wedding planning does not give someone license to act rudely. It happens, certainly, but the correct course of action is to apologize and fix it immediately rather than blaming "wedding stress" and figuring "oh, they'll understand".

That's why so many snowflakes and 'zillas get away with this shit. It's like an engagement ring automatically saps people of their ability to be a decent human being, and what's worse, people let them get away with it because of that stupid "oh, she's a stressed bride" excuse, which only perpetuates the cycle.

No. Uh-uh. No way.

APDSS22 · June 2014

Amonite said:

While the bride's actions might be rude (to verbally invite and then rescind), a good friend would be understanding.

She is likely under a great deal of stress and a mountain of details, dealing with costs, venues, keeping friends happy, etc. As such, she may have initially thought she could invite more people than she could. Her request that he not come is valid. (Who else should she cut? Family, close friends who have been there for her, etc?)

Her forthrightness in being willing to bring up a difficult topic, but make it clear that if space opens up if available, is commendable.

The bridesmaid is free to drop out, but I would recommend helping the bride out in this case and forgiving the slip - otherwise the friendship probably doesn't mean much, so why are you being a bridesmaid?

If a friend was stressed out and started crying uncontrollably on my shoulder and got my shirt wet, that I can be understanding about. Doesn't really hurt me and if they're a friend I would do more than give up a dry shoulder for them. Totally cool with being supportive of a friend that way, even if she isn't getting married.

Uninviting guests is rude and is why a wedding couple should break down their budget with wiggle room for eventualities such as guests getting into new relationships, possible new baby family members and that other family member you forgot that it would absolutely cause WWIII if you didn't invite not to mention real-life things that can go down that cost money.

Someone getting married who suddenly realizes their budget isn't going to stretch to all their guests with the plans they have in place needs to economize. This should never involve uninviting guests because that is a known relationship killer. You tell someone they're no longer invited to your wedding, prepare to lose them as a friend because you just told them all of the other guests they invited who are still invited are more important than you.

They don't respect you enough to give up the flowers they just had to have (which don't make you any more married), the expensive venue (also not necessary for marriage) and bar (definitely not necessary for a wedding and will not make the marriage stronger or more valid) and the four-piece band they hired for their all-night reception. Not to mention the honeymoon cruise they booked for themselves. Even if they are having a bare-bones wedding in their church that holds the service for free to members and have a cake and punch reception after with only the decorations provided by the church, there are ways to economize your outside wedding life to provide more cake and punch to cover all your guests. The wedding couple can cut down on extraneous activities like going to the movies, driving the car more than necessary, getting coffee, eating out and/or buying new anything that they can live without.

And uninviting a bridesmaid's significant other is even worse because the wedding party should be the closest people in the lives of the wedding couple. Since significant others should always be included as a courtesy to the invited guest, it is a slap to the face. A wedding is a celebration of a commitment to love. Why on earth would anyone think it's okay to celebrate love and commitment by spitting on the commitment and love of their closest friends and family? Why would anyone consider that a "valid" choice?

speakeasy14 · June 2014

Maggie0829 said:

bookstorespeakeasy14 said:

While I cannot believe they actually uninvited people, if this girl has already invested a lot into the wedding I can see why she is still a bridesmaid.

I was in a wedding where I was told from the start that because I was not engaged or married I could not have a date (I was in a long term relationship, with someone the bride and groom were friends with, but it wasn't serious enough in their eyes). The day before the wedding they had one person cancel and I received a phone call where the bride asked me to bring my boyfriend because they thought over who they should ask to come and everyone they thought of they would also have to let them bring a date...

I wouldn't give a shit how much I invested into being a BM for this person. My ass would be sitting at home or having a fun date day with my H the day of her wedding. I would happily waste the money I invested to stick up for my relationship and not allow a so called friend to shit on it just because she is a crappy planner.

Oh, I completely agree, if I were in this situation I would not continue to be a bridesmaid or even a guest. But, I can understand why this girl did not step down. I also think this bride should be on bridezillas (is that even on tv anymore?).

Invited....Oh Wait...Nope.

Re: Invited....Oh Wait...Nope.

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