Honeymoon Registry/shower

nikkiandringo · June 2014

I'm MOH in a wedding this month, and I'm getting married in September. I've been looking through the forums lately and have seen a lot of people pointing out that honeymoon registries are tacky. If this is a common thought (and it seems to be), how would one go about making it less tacky? Here are my thoughts (because I'm pretty dead set on it, just wanted to make it nice for my guests as well); I'm 30 years old, I've lived on my own for the past 12 years. I'm well beyond the "crappy college home goods" stage. Anything nice that I've wanted to purchase for myself, I have. I actually feel like asking for those types of things in my situation is tacky. The only thing that I haven't done a lot of is travel. That's one reason the honeymoon registry was a great option for me. I am having a shower - a brunch. Mimosa's, Bloody Mary's, waffle bar, etc. It's definitely a party for the guests, not just a look at me open gifts event. I happen to also think that outlook is tacky as well. I realize these are personal differences. Anyways, we did register for the honeymoon and some travel items (new luggage, European converters, etc). But I've still seen posts that want nothing to do with this stuff. So, as a guest, if you were coming to my shower in that frame of mind - how could I organize this without it being your worst nightmare? Thanks!

LondonLisa · June 2014

nikkikovach said:

I'm MOH in a wedding this month, and I'm getting married in September. I've been looking through the forums lately and have seen a lot of people pointing out that honeymoon registries are tacky. If this is a common thought (and it seems to be), how would one go about making it less tacky? Here are my thoughts (because I'm pretty dead set on it, just wanted to make it nice for my guests as well); I'm 30 years old, I've lived on my own for the past 12 years. I'm well beyond the "crappy college home goods" stage. Anything nice that I've wanted to purchase for myself, I have. I actually feel like asking for those types of things in my situation is tacky. The only thing that I haven't done a lot of is travel. That's one reason the honeymoon registry was a great option for me. I am having a shower - a brunch. Mimosa's, Bloody Mary's, waffle bar, etc. It's definitely a party for the guests, not just a look at me open gifts event. I happen to also think that outlook is tacky as well. I realize these are personal differences. Anyways, we did register for the honeymoon and some travel items (new luggage, European converters, etc). But I've still seen posts that want nothing to do with this stuff. So, as a guest, if you were coming to my shower in that frame of mind - how could I organize this without it being your worst nightmare? Thanks!

There is no way I would look at a honeymoon registry shower without thinking it was horribly tacky. People will give you cash anyway, so don't register. Honeymoon registries lie to your guests and take a percentage of their money. Don't register for cash. Ever. It looks like "alms for the poor" begging. There is no way to dress it up.

Also, showers are for physical gifts only. Do you want your guests to sit around while you open envelopes? You should not have a shower if you do not want physical gifts. Also, is this shower for you or are you the MOH hostess for this?

So to answer your question, the only way you could organise this without it being my worst nightmare is to cancel it, or have the bride register for actual gifts and close the honeymoon registry.

nikkiandringo · June 2014

So here were my thoughts on that. I actually opted to pay the fee on my registry (believe it's 3 cents from every dollar), so no worries there.

I listed a few things on the registry that we'd really like to have (IE: London pass, rail tickets, show tickets), so it's for an actual event, not just money.

As far as opening gifts go - I'd rather die than have people watch me open gifts - or envelopes - but envelopes are quicker and what's inside them will go to much more use than any traditional gifts ever would. Plus, like I said, there are some physical gifts but they are all themed with the honeymoon.

It's for my shower - I just mentioned the two weddings for emphasis on how many forums I've been reading, on both sides of the event.

slothiegal · June 2014

nikkikovach said:

I'm MOH in a wedding this month, and I'm getting married in September. I've been looking through the forums lately and have seen a lot of people pointing out that honeymoon registries are tacky. If this is a common thought (and it seems to be), how would one go about making it less tacky? Here are my thoughts (because I'm pretty dead set on it, just wanted to make it nice for my guests as well); I'm 30 years old, I've lived on my own for the past 12 years. I'm well beyond the "crappy college home goods" stage. Anything nice that I've wanted to purchase for myself, I have. I actually feel like asking for those types of things in my situation is tacky. The only thing that I haven't done a lot of is travel. That's one reason the honeymoon registry was a great option for me. I am having a shower - a brunch. Mimosa's, Bloody Mary's, waffle bar, etc. It's definitely a party for the guests, not just a look at me open gifts event. I happen to also think that outlook is tacky as well. I realize these are personal differences. Anyways, we did register for the honeymoon and some travel items (new luggage, European converters, etc). But I've still seen posts that want nothing to do with this stuff. So, as a guest, if you were coming to my shower in that frame of mind - how could I organize this without it being your worst nightmare? Thanks!

You don't have one.

Not trying to snark, but it's true--just don't register, you'll get cash, the end.

bmydesigner · June 2014

nikkikovach said:

I'm MOH in a wedding this month, and I'm getting married in September. I've been looking through the forums lately and have seen a lot of people pointing out that honeymoon registries are tacky. If this is a common thought (and it seems to be), how would one go about making it less tacky? Here are my thoughts (because I'm pretty dead set on it, just wanted to make it nice for my guests as well); I'm 30 years old, I've lived on my own for the past 12 years. I'm well beyond the "crappy college home goods" stage. Anything nice that I've wanted to purchase for myself, I have. I actually feel like asking for those types of things in my situation is tacky. The only thing that I haven't done a lot of is travel. That's one reason the honeymoon registry was a great option for me. I am having a shower - a brunch. Mimosa's, Bloody Mary's, waffle bar, etc. It's definitely a party for the guests, not just a look at me open gifts event. I happen to also think that outlook is tacky as well. I realize these are personal differences. Anyways, we did register for the honeymoon and some travel items (new luggage, European converters, etc). But I've still seen posts that want nothing to do with this stuff. So, as a guest, if you were coming to my shower in that frame of mind - how could I organize this without it being your worst nightmare? Thanks!

Well see the thing is, the whole entire point of a shower is to SHOWER the bride with gifts. If you don't want gifts, fine I get that. But people will also get the hint as well. Just make a small registry with a couple of things on it, and people will give you cash. You don't have to look like a homeless person on the street begging for change. Decline the shower since you don't want gifts and just have a party that is not labeled with anything wedding.

Tacky does not get lass tacky. There is no way around it. You think it sounds tacky because it is.

Maggie0829 · June 2014

nikkikovach said:

So here were my thoughts on that. I actually opted to pay the fee on my registry (believe it's 3 cents from every dollar), so no worries there.

I listed a few things on the registry that we'd really like to have (IE: London pass, rail tickets, show tickets), so it's for an actual event, not just money.

As far as opening gifts go - I'd rather die than have people watch me open gifts - or envelopes - but envelopes are quicker and what's inside them will go to much more use than any traditional gifts ever would. Plus, like I said, there are some physical gifts but they are all themed with the honeymoon.

It's for my shower - I just mentioned the two weddings for emphasis on how many forums I've been reading, on both sides of the event.

If you don't want to open presents then you shouldn't have a shower.

Also, your guests still aren't purchasing you the tickets or whatever. They are selecting the item on the website and then the website is sending you a check to cover the costs of the item.

Look, I just don't get why you are willing to pay a fee to just receive money? Just don't register and people will get the hint.

LondonLisa · June 2014

nikkikovach said:

So here were my thoughts on that. I actually opted to pay the fee on my registry (believe it's 3 cents from every dollar), so no worries there.

I listed a few things on the registry that we'd really like to have (IE: London pass, rail tickets, show tickets), so it's for an actual event, not just money.

As far as opening gifts go - I'd rather die than have people watch me open gifts - or envelopes - but envelopes are quicker and what's inside them will go to much more use than any traditional gifts ever would. Plus, like I said, there are some physical gifts but they are all themed with the honeymoon.

It's for my shower - I just mentioned the two weddings for emphasis on how many forums I've been reading, on both sides of the event.

OK, there are a few problems:

1.) you should not be throwing your own shower.

2.) Showers are for physical, boxed gifts ONLY- no gift certificates, cards, "good for" vouchers etc.

3.) If the bride doesn't want to open the gifts, she needs to decline the shower. That is one of the absolute rules of wedding showers (the first being for boxed gifts only!).

I'm sorry, and I'm sure it wasn't your intention, but what you have planned is horribly rude. You need to cancel this.

nikkiandringo · June 2014

Ok. I actually never thought it was tacky - I'm reacting to the comments here mostly.

Definitely not very constructive feedback. Maybe I didn't make it clear to begin with - but this is already set up and done. The registry is set up - we've already received gifts from it, and the shower is scheduled. Not calling it a shower is a good idea, I suppose. It can just be a ladies brunch/mini-shower?

I don't know. I've always loved contributing to these things, so the idea of it being tacky is new to me.

kitsunegari89 · June 2014

You make it less tacky by NOT. DOING. IT.

http://boards.420chan.org/art/src/1388391388107.gif

LondonLisa · June 2014

nikkikovach said:

Ok. I actually never thought it was tacky - I'm reacting to the comments here mostly.

Definitely not very constructive feedback. Maybe I didn't make it clear to begin with - but this is already set up and done. The registry is set up - we've already received gifts from it, and the shower is scheduled. Not calling it a shower is a good idea, I suppose. It can just be a ladies brunch/mini-shower?

I don't know. I've always loved contributing to these things, so the idea of it being tacky is new to me.

Why did you ask if you don't want honest answers and are going to do it anyway? If random people who don't know you and have no stake in your wedding unanimously think it is rude and tacky, you can guarantee that people you are inviting to this "shower" think the same thing. They won't say it to your face because they won't want to hurt your feelings but this rude and tacky behaviour will make these guests think you are rude and tacky. There is no way around that.

Close the registry down, cancel the "shower" or turn it into a bridal brunch (which is NOT a gift-giving occasion), make a small shop registry and when people ask about gifts say "We have a registry at X but are saving up for a holiday" and then leave it. People will get the hint!

climbingsingle · June 2014

There's no way to make it less tacky, honey. I'm 33 and my FI is 40. We don't need housewares and we own a house. We didn't register. And I'm not having a shower.

nikkiandringo · June 2014

I asked because the original intent was to try to "ease" the perceived tackines of it. I mistakenly thought that if you had no opinion on how to do exactly that, you wouldn't comment.

I won't make that mistake again, opinions are noted, thanks.

bmydesigner · June 2014

nikkikovach said:

Ok. I actually never thought it was tacky - I'm reacting to the comments here mostly.

Definitely not very constructive feedback. Maybe I didn't make it clear to begin with - but this is already set up and done. The registry is set up - we've already received gifts from it, and the shower is scheduled. Not calling it a shower is a good idea, I suppose. It can just be a ladies brunch/mini-shower?

I don't know. I've always loved contributing to these things, so the idea of it being tacky is new to me.

*SIB*
Well, you don't get to dictate how we respond. You asked for feedback, you got it. There's no way to make tacky less tacky, I'm sorry but there's just not.
My thoughts are, it might not offend you, but it could offend even one guest - why is that worth the risk?? These guests are supposed to be your family and friends, why risk offending them?

eljaye · June 2014

Wow, some of you are being really harsh on the bride. FWIW, I don't think a honeymoon registry is tacky at all.

Personally, I'd rather contribute money towards something that I know the bride and groom really want / feel passionate about - and will actually USE - than buy them another stupid toaster or some uninspired registry gift.

Some of you are telling her to close her registry down? Ridiculous - it sounds like it's already a done deal. If you really don't like the idea of a honeymoon registry, then you have the option to not go that route and instead buy the couple a different type of gift.

climbingsingle · June 2014

nikkikovach said:

I asked because the original intent was to try to "ease" the perceived tackines of it. I mistakenly thought that if you had no opinion on how to do exactly that, you wouldn't comment.

I won't make that mistake again, opinions are noted, thanks.

All you had to do was read around this site before you posted. It's a hot button issue here. People are going to comment. This is how the internet works.

LondonLisa · June 2014

nikkikovach said:

I asked because the original intent was to try to "ease" the perceived tackines of it. I mistakenly thought that if you had no opinion on how to do exactly that, you wouldn't comment.

I won't make that mistake again, opinions are noted, thanks.

You have been given a lot of ways to fix the tackiness (not perceived, honeymoon registries ARE tacky and money-grubbing). But the first step is shutting down the registry, which you don't WANT to do. You have been given so many options about how to let people know you would like money for this trip yet you don't want to do it.

You are CHOOSING to do something tacky and rude. At least own that.

Easing tacky and rude behaviour is like easing a punch to the face. Giving me a waffle and pretending it is a "classy" affair isn't going to make me forget you did it!

ashleyep · June 2014

Knottie51909909 said:

Wow, some of you are being really harsh on the bride. FWIW, I don't think a honeymoon registry is tacky at all.

Personally, I'd rather contribute money towards something that I know the bride and groom really want / feel passionate about - and will actually USE - than buy them another stupid toaster or some uninspired registry gift.

Some of you are telling her to close her registry down? Ridiculous - it sounds like it's already a done deal. If you really don't like the idea of a honeymoon registry, then you have the option to not go that route and instead buy the couple a different type of gift.

You can do that by writing them a check. You don't need a honeymoon registry to do that.

OP, rename it as a brunch of some sort and ditch the shower verbiage. You can't have a shower without physical gifts.

nikkiandringo · June 2014

I've read the site - it's what sparked the question to begin with. It is a done deal and the hope was to try to make even just that one uncomfortable guest less uncomfortable. I'm seeing that compromise is not favored, so I'll try to be a little more creative on that end. I guess I just thought that whilst the rest of the internet does work that way, we'd be a little more respectful. Sorry for the confusion - won't happen again.

chibiyui · June 2014

nikkikovach said:
I asked because the original intent was to try to "ease" the perceived tackines of it. I mistakenly thought that if you had no opinion on how to do exactly that, you wouldn't comment.

I won't make that mistake again, opinions are noted, thanks.

People have told you how to "ease" the tacky. You just didn't like it.

Showers are for physical gifts. Have invites gone out? Change it to a brunch. You can still close the honeymoon registry.

LondonLisa · June 2014

Let alone the honeymoon registry- If I brought a gift to your shower and you didn't have the decency to even open it, I would rethink associating with you. Read some of these boards and you will see many stories about people who went to showers and were hurt the bride didn't open their gifts. Don't be that person.

As PP said, these are supposed to be your nearest and dearest, why would you want them to have hurt feelings or treat them badly? For a London Pass (which BTW- is a notorious rip off)? Seems a cheap exchange for the respect of my loved ones.

chibiyui · June 2014

nikkikovach said:
I've read the site - it's what sparked the question to begin with. It is a done deal and the hope was to try to make even just that one uncomfortable guest less uncomfortable. I'm seeing that compromise is not favored, so I'll try to be a little more creative on that end. I guess I just thought that whilst the rest of the internet does work that way, we'd be a little more respectful. Sorry for the confusion - won't happen again.

What did you want? "Yes, honeymoon registries are tacky, but you are the one exception! Nothing is tacky or rude in your case?"

You made a mistake. Shit happens. You can either clean it up or bitch about while the smell wafts around you. Your choice.

emmaaa · June 2014

The best way to make it not tacky is by not having one.

No, seriously. It is tacky. People see it as tacky.

I get that you have all of the typical registry items and don't want repeats. In that case, don't register or have a very small registry. When people ask where you are registered, say "Oh, we have a small registry at Macy's but are really saving up to travel after the wedding." People are smart. They will get the hint.

eljaye · June 2014

I just don't get the big deal - I've contributed to honeymoon registries in the past and the bride and groom were really thankful. I thought it was a cute, different idea - the problem with just writing them a check is that there is really just no thought behind it. Who are you, the guest, to judge what the bride and groom want to register for? Any registry - whether at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, or REI, or... whatever - is simply a guide for your guests. No one HAS to buy something from the registry. Is a honeymoon registry tackier than registering at Walmart? People do that too! Would you judge them for that?

I think you are all being very rude - it's OK to express an opinion if you truly feel it's tacky, but the way you are speaking to the bride is inappropriate, IMO.

FWIW, I do agree that changing the name of the event from "shower" to "brunch" or some such makes sense.

climbingsingle · June 2014

nikkikovach said:

I've read the site - it's what sparked the question to begin with. It is a done deal and the hope was to try to make even just that one uncomfortable guest less uncomfortable. I'm seeing that compromise is not favored, so I'll try to be a little more creative on that end. I guess I just thought that whilst the rest of the internet does work that way, we'd be a little more respectful. Sorry for the confusion - won't happen again.

No one was disrepctful. You're just not getting the answers you want.

nikkiandringo · June 2014

I think my goal was to get suggestions - similar to the brunch idea but to involve all aspects. Have a brunch, mini-shower, or include wording on the invitation that we're registered for the honeymoon but to contact the hostess (not me) for additional ideas. I don't know, something along those lines I guess. Again - I've repeatedly apologized for the confusion. I'll take the conversation elsewhere.

LondonLisa · June 2014

nikkikovach said:

I've read the site - it's what sparked the question to begin with. It is a done deal and the hope was to try to make even just that one uncomfortable guest less uncomfortable. I'm seeing that compromise is not favored, so I'll try to be a little more creative on that end. I guess I just thought that whilst the rest of the internet does work that way, we'd be a little more respectful. Sorry for the confusion - won't happen again.

What honeymoon registry is SUCH a done deal that it can't be taken down in 5 minutes? Compromise?! You have been given SO many options! You don't WANT to take it down because you WANT that money at the expense of your guests' comfort. At least admit that!

nikkiandringo · June 2014

For the record - none of my guests have come out and said it was a bad idea. I got that idea from this forum. I was hoping to prevent it, just trying to be thoughtful. People already have contributed (generously) to it, and I think that taking it down after they've already decided on a gift would be rude. So to compromise between the general consensus (which I don't feel is very general, but I'm desperately trying to give you ladies the benefit of the doubt) and those who were excited about the gifts - I thought I'd seek out voices that were more creative than mine.

Again, I understand your opinions and while I don't agree with them, I'd still like to make ALL of my guests comfortable. That includes people who enjoy the honeymoon registry such as myself, and people who do not.

chibiyui · June 2014

Knottie51909909 said:
I just don't get the big deal - I've contributed to honeymoon registries in the past and the bride and groom were really thankful. I thought it was a cute, different idea - the problem with just writing them a check is that there is really just no thought behind it. Who are you, the guest, to judge what the bride and groom want to register for? Any registry - whether at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, or REI, or... whatever - is simply a guide for your guests. No one HAS to buy something from the registry. Is a honeymoon registry tackier than registering at Walmart? People do that too! Would you judge them for that?

I think you are all being very rude - it's OK to express an opinion if you truly feel it's tacky, but the way you are speaking to the bride is inappropriate, IMO.

FWIW, I do agree that changing the name of the event from "shower" to "brunch" or some such makes sense.

I fail to see how "buying" a swim with the dolphins on a honeymoon registry is less personal then writing a check, given that your "purchase" arrives to the couple as a check minus fees.

You want to give a personal gift, no ones stopping you. But it does require more effort then clicking through a honeymoon registry.

eljaye · June 2014

chibiyui said:

I fail to see how "buying" a swim with the dolphins on a honeymoon registry is less personal then writing a check, given that your "purchase" arrives to the couple as a check minus fees. You want to give a personal gift, no ones stopping you. But it does require more effort then clicking through a honeymoon registry.

I actually said the opposite. Writing a check is less personal than buying something from their registry. No matter WHERE you register, how many people these days do you think go to an actual store to shop vs. buying online? Clicking through a honeymoon registry is no different than clicking through a Crate & Barrel registry.

Clearly I have a minority opinion here but I still can't fathom how a guest could be SO judgmental about the bride & groom's choices. Who cares? It's what they want... it's their day. I don't understand why it's "rude" or "offensive" to clearly tell your guests what you want.

Maybe you are all just catty bitches so you think everyone else is that way too. Yep, I just took it to the next level.

cupcait927 · June 2014

Okay, try and look at it this way. Most people will give gifts in the following way - physical gift for the shower, cash for the wedding. Showers traditionally are intended to help a new bride set up her home, hence physical gifts and the general theme is usually household goods. So, if your guests fall within this line of thinking and will already be bringing you cash to your wedding, why would you want to ask for more cash? If you already have a home set up and don't need new things, then simply don't have a shower. It sounds like you're doing so because a) you believe that everyone has a shower so you need to as well and b) because you want more money than just what you'll get at the wedding. I'm NOT saying that these are your thoughts or intention but that's how it will come off to your guests. You can certainly have a beautiful brunch or luncheon with the women you've invited and not ask for cash (because that's all you'll get with your honeymoon registry, just a check, no actual planned excursions/dinners/spa treatments/what have you).

bmydesigner · June 2014

Knottie51909909 said:

I just don't get the big deal - I've contributed to honeymoon registries in the past and the bride and groom were really thankful. I thought it was a cute, different idea - the problem with just writing them a check is that there is really just no thought behind it. Who are you, the guest, to judge what the bride and groom want to register for? Any registry - whether at Bed, Bath, and Beyond, or REI, or... whatever - is simply a guide for your guests. No one HAS to buy something from the registry. Is a honeymoon registry tackier than registering at Walmart? People do that too! Would you judge them for that?

I think you are all being very rude - it's OK to express an opinion if you truly feel it's tacky, but the way you are speaking to the bride is inappropriate, IMO.

FWIW, I do agree that changing the name of the event from "shower" to "brunch" or some such makes sense.

Just because YOU think it's a good idea doesn't mean EVERYONE else does.

I think there's plenty of thought behind giving a check. There's thought behind giving anything, don't belittle checks like that.

Registering at Walmart is not tacky. If that's what you're implying, then that kind of statement can be found offensive, and now you're the one being rude. Registering for gifts, for a shower (shower bride with gifts) is not rude. Straight up asking for money, that's rude.

No one was rude to her. She asked for honest feedback, and she received it. We're all just expressing our opinions, as you stated, and we are free to do so how we please. It wasn't in any type of rude state.

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