Wedding Etiquette Forum

How to avoid cash bar at RD?

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Re: How to avoid cash bar at RD?

  • crackktheskyycrackktheskyy Stars Hollow member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Well aware it isn't cheap. Which is why I suggested changing the restaurant to one the couple can afford. I don't expect to win anyone over on this, just sharing a different perspective. Personally I would sooner skip the rehearsal and accompanying dinner than expect my friends and family to sit through a dry meal.
    I get where you are coming from and I can totally relate.  In my circle, we drink a lot.  It would be very strange if someone chose not to have booze at a wedding related event.  Hell, I served booze before and during my ceremony.

    However, she was just asking about the proper etiquette in this situation and you just keep offering your opinion about why she should serve alcohol.  From what I'm reading, It doesn't really have anything to do with being able to afford it at all.  They have other reasons beyond money.

    So your opinion on what she should do doesn't have to be won over by anyone.  It just doesn't belong in this thread.

    Just wanted to add that my family and friends are the same -- when our in laws offered to host a dry wedding, we politely declined. We are even hosting a mimosa bar the morning of the wedding!

    We would just like to graciously accept my in-law's offer to host the RD and to avoid the potentially awkward situation of someone ordering alcohol assuming that it is already paid for. I think informing the server and the personalized menus will cover it!
    image
  • The great thing is though that I'm a random internet person you disagree with not your bridesmaid :). They're probably totally better people than me and will love everything about the weekend! But since you sounded concerned about people wanting to buy alcohol and that being awkward I thought I'd share my perspective. Please please don't let it upset you!
    NYCMercedes
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm with starmoon44. If I were at dinner at an Irish bar or at a restaurant that had a bar that I could walk up to, I would think it was a cash bar event. If I were at a nice restaurant with servers and no visible bar and you weren't hosting alcohol, I'd be ok with that. If I were at an event hosted by non-drinking best buddy and there were no alcohol, I would understand. If the reason there were no alcohol was $$$$, then I'd wonder why the hosts didn't choose a place they could afford. Guess I like my booze too much.
  • crackktheskyycrackktheskyy Stars Hollow member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2014
    I'm with starmoon44. If I were at dinner at an Irish bar or at a restaurant that had a bar that I could walk up to, I would think it was a cash bar event. If I were at a nice restaurant with servers and no visible bar and you weren't hosting alcohol, I'd be ok with that. If I were at an event hosted by non-drinking best buddy and there were no alcohol, I would understand. If the reason there were no alcohol was $$$$, then I'd wonder why the hosts didn't choose a place they could afford. Guess I like my booze too much.
    The reason is not money, and if we want to use a restaurant in the city without alcohol, we will likely be choosing between McDonalds and Burger King! It will be at a nice restaurant in a private room with no visible bar, and now printed menus.

    ETA: it is being hosted by sober in laws.
    image
    mcgarci2
  • I feel like I just had deja vu. I (and others) just argued that not hosting alcohol is perfectly acceptable, though I am glad to see that it is much more of a consensus on this post. 
    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7263543/#Comment_7263543
    dbacksgirl
  • tammym1001tammym1001 Akron, Ohio member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    @crackktheskyy - I just wanted to say that I think it's so awesome how appreciative you are of your FIL's hosting your rehearsal dinner and how respectful you are being of their feelings towards alcohol. It's so nice to see that rather than someone complaining about no alcohol or offering to pay for it themselves like what your FIL's are hosting isn't enough.

    FWIW, we drink at everything!!! Literally everything: birthday parties, cookouts, family dinners, all holidays; there is always alcohol. If someone invited us to a rehearsal dinner and there was no alcohol then we wouldn't drink and if it was a nice place with a bar we may hang out for a little bit afterwards and sit at the bar and get a drink. I would never think it was a cash bar and I wouldn't think anything bad about the hosts for not having alcohol.
    image
  • rajahmdrajahmd Galifrey member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    FYI to anyone having a Sunday wedding: consider having your rehearsal during the day and doing a lunch instead of a dinner. We were forced into a midday rehearsal on Saturday for our Sunday wedding because of another wedding later that Saturday. Everyone met at the venue, then we caravaned to the restaurant that the IL's picked out (they wanted to host it for us). Having the rehearsal meal at lunch time avoided the whole alcohol issue entirely.

    It also meant that DH and I had the rest of the day to relax by ourselves. We ended up having one last date night before we got married- went to the movies and had a romantic dinner. We both loved it and our wedding party appreciated having time to do their own thing that night as well. 
    Anniversary
    PrettyGirlLost
  • lilacck28 said:
    I feel like I just had deja vu. I (and others) just argued that not hosting alcohol is perfectly acceptable, though I am glad to see that it is much more of a consensus on this post. 
    http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/7263543/#Comment_7263543
    HA!  Glad I'm not the only one!  Makes me feel much better about our own RD/Meet & Greet now.  I think the pre-printed menus answer a lot of questions before they have a chance to be awkwardly asked.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • crackktheskyycrackktheskyy Stars Hollow member
    500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    @crackktheskyy - I just wanted to say that I think it's so awesome how appreciative you are of your FIL's hosting your rehearsal dinner and how respectful you are being of their feelings towards alcohol. It's so nice to see that rather than someone complaining about no alcohol or offering to pay for it themselves like what your FIL's are hosting isn't enough.

    FWIW, we drink at everything!!! Literally everything: birthday parties, cookouts, family dinners, all holidays; there is always alcohol. If someone invited us to a rehearsal dinner and there was no alcohol then we wouldn't drink and if it was a nice place with a bar we may hang out for a little bit afterwards and sit at the bar and get a drink. I would never think it was a cash bar and I wouldn't think anything bad about the hosts for not having alcohol.
    Whoops! Didn't realize this thread got bumped! But thanks! I really do love my FILs!

    My family drinks at everything too, so it's sort of a weird dynamic with the FILs but I think everyone will be so happy about the marriage that hopefully the dry RD and alcohol abundant wedding will go over well!


    I think this thread can saftely be closed :) We are doing menus!
    image
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Our RD (hosted by my ILs) was beer and wine only.  They made it clear what was being hosted by working with the restaurant to print up menus and they were placed at each place setting.

    Another RD I went to in a restaurant was a dry RD.  The hosts provided menus that stated what was hosted.  Also, they had the servers make note that so and so was hosted but any alcohol was not.
    In which case I would still choose to order and pay for my own drinks.

    I think it's fine for the servers to let guests know that alcohol isn't being hosted.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Our RD is at an Irish restaurant with a bar, however we are having a dry dinner in a separate room in the back of the restaurant. The restaurant offers a limited menu for large parties so we plan on making a menu for each person attending the RD so they know what their options are.
    I'm kidding you when I say this, but it seems sacrilegious to have a dry event in an Irish pub ;-)

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    STARMOON44
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    How about making the restaurant of your choice one that doesn't serve alcohol? If you're hosting a dry dinner next to a bar, I'm going to feel like it's a cash bar. Are they comfortable with people drinking but just don't want to pay for it? If so can you set up a separate tab? In my circle we all drink wine with meals so I would find choosing to host somewhere that serves alcohol but then not serving it to be very odd. And frankly a pretty poor thank you for attending your rehearsal.
    Alcohol is not required as a thank you.  A nice meal in a private room is more than an adequate thank you for attending the rehearsal.

    It is in a private room.  If they wanted to see the bar, they'd have to leave the party they are attending.  That is rude.  It is not at all rude to have a party in a private room and host only select things.  Having the menu cards that list what they have a choice of is a perfect solution.  If a guest feels inadequately thanked without a glass of wine, they are the rude ones. Not the hosts.

    Edited to add: unless it is a breakfast or a fast food restaurant, it is generally pretty hard to find a place that doesn't serve at least wine and beer. Even places like Moe's and Chipotle serve beer and wine!
    Personally, I don't find it rude to leave the room, go order a drink, and then come back.  People who like to drink with dinner will probably do this, and it isn't a slight against the people hosting the RD.

    The RD is being held in a restaurant that serves alcohol.  If the RD was being held somewhere that did not serve alchol, and the hosts chose not to provide it, AND THEN guests brought their own booze, then I would say that is rude.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Our RD is at an Irish restaurant with a bar, however we are having a dry dinner in a separate room in the back of the restaurant. The restaurant offers a limited menu for large parties so we plan on making a menu for each person attending the RD so they know what their options are.
    This is a great idea!


    How about making the restaurant of your choice one that doesn't serve alcohol? If you're hosting a dry dinner next to a bar, I'm going to feel like it's a cash bar. Are they comfortable with people drinking but just don't want to pay for it? If so can you set up a separate tab? In my circle we all drink wine with meals so I would find choosing to host somewhere that serves alcohol but then not serving it to be very odd. And frankly a pretty poor thank you for attending your rehearsal.
    We are having it in a very large city. Most places serve alcohol. We want to choose this place because its FIs favorite and because it can cater well to expansive number of dietary restrictions in the WP. The restaurant itself is very lovely. I would certainly hope that no one would feel that a very nice meal (in a separate room from the bar, mind you!) was a poor way to say thank you. I just don't want to convey that this is a cash bar. 

    The family likely won't pay for alcohol due to addiction issues. I believe it is simply something they do not feel comfortable financially supporting. Our wedding the next day will have a top shelf open bar, though.
    Do guests at the RD have addiction issues?  Because I can see not wanting to host alcohol when some or many of the guests atdinner actually have addiction issues.

    But if no one present at your RD actually has addiction issues, and your FI's family are just making a moral statement because other pppl in their family, not invited to the RD, have addiction issues, well I'm never a fan of that type of thing.  I don't like it when people try to control the behavior of others.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • DD's RD is next Friday night.  They are hosting it and it will be dry as alcohol is not in the budget for them.  They are at a restaurant in a private room away from the bar with menus stating what is hosted.  It is clear what is hosted, doesn't list what isn't hosted and they are taking care of their guests.  I think you have a solid plan.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Our RD is at an Irish restaurant with a bar, however we are having a dry dinner in a separate room in the back of the restaurant. The restaurant offers a limited menu for large parties so we plan on making a menu for each person attending the RD so they know what their options are.
    This is a great idea!


    How about making the restaurant of your choice one that doesn't serve alcohol? If you're hosting a dry dinner next to a bar, I'm going to feel like it's a cash bar. Are they comfortable with people drinking but just don't want to pay for it? If so can you set up a separate tab? In my circle we all drink wine with meals so I would find choosing to host somewhere that serves alcohol but then not serving it to be very odd. And frankly a pretty poor thank you for attending your rehearsal.
    We are having it in a very large city. Most places serve alcohol. We want to choose this place because its FIs favorite and because it can cater well to expansive number of dietary restrictions in the WP. The restaurant itself is very lovely. I would certainly hope that no one would feel that a very nice meal (in a separate room from the bar, mind you!) was a poor way to say thank you. I just don't want to convey that this is a cash bar. 

    The family likely won't pay for alcohol due to addiction issues. I believe it is simply something they do not feel comfortable financially supporting. Our wedding the next day will have a top shelf open bar, though.
    Do guests at the RD have addiction issues?  Because I can see not wanting to host alcohol when some or many of the guests atdinner actually have addiction issues.

    But if no one present at your RD actually has addiction issues, and your FI's family are just making a moral statement because other pppl in their family, not invited to the RD, have addiction issues, well I'm never a fan of that type of thing.  I don't like it when people try to control the behavior of others.
    I agree with that, but...even so, it's the prerogative of hosts to decide what they're going to serve and pay for.  The hosts could serve plenty of non-alcoholic beverages but no alcohol whatsoever, without giving a reason for the lack of alcohol, and they'd still be doing their job as polite hosts.  I don't disagree with the perspective of anyone who thinks occasions are less enjoyable without alcohol, but...that doesn't obligate the hosts to make it available, whether or not guests have to pay for it.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Jen4948 said:
    Our RD is at an Irish restaurant with a bar, however we are having a dry dinner in a separate room in the back of the restaurant. The restaurant offers a limited menu for large parties so we plan on making a menu for each person attending the RD so they know what their options are.
    This is a great idea!


    How about making the restaurant of your choice one that doesn't serve alcohol? If you're hosting a dry dinner next to a bar, I'm going to feel like it's a cash bar. Are they comfortable with people drinking but just don't want to pay for it? If so can you set up a separate tab? In my circle we all drink wine with meals so I would find choosing to host somewhere that serves alcohol but then not serving it to be very odd. And frankly a pretty poor thank you for attending your rehearsal.
    We are having it in a very large city. Most places serve alcohol. We want to choose this place because its FIs favorite and because it can cater well to expansive number of dietary restrictions in the WP. The restaurant itself is very lovely. I would certainly hope that no one would feel that a very nice meal (in a separate room from the bar, mind you!) was a poor way to say thank you. I just don't want to convey that this is a cash bar. 

    The family likely won't pay for alcohol due to addiction issues. I believe it is simply something they do not feel comfortable financially supporting. Our wedding the next day will have a top shelf open bar, though.
    Do guests at the RD have addiction issues?  Because I can see not wanting to host alcohol when some or many of the guests atdinner actually have addiction issues.

    But if no one present at your RD actually has addiction issues, and your FI's family are just making a moral statement because other pppl in their family, not invited to the RD, have addiction issues, well I'm never a fan of that type of thing.  I don't like it when people try to control the behavior of others.
    I agree with that, but...even so, it's the prerogative of hosts to decide what they're going to serve and pay for.  The hosts could serve plenty of non-alcoholic beverages but no alcohol whatsoever, without giving a reason for the lack of alcohol, and they'd still be doing their job as polite hosts.  I don't disagree with the perspective of anyone who thinks occasions are less enjoyable without alcohol, but...that doesn't obligate the hosts to make it available, whether or not guests have to pay for it.
    I'm not saying that having a dry RD is bad hosting at all.

    What I'm saying is that I do not agree with the rationale behind refusing to provide alcohol to other ppl, who do not have any issues with alcoholism, just because someone in their family might have an addiction issue.  That's controlling behavior, even if it is well intentioned.

    And it doesn't work. . . a person with alcoholism has to learn to function in society surrounded by alcohol.  They have to learn how to control their own behaviors.  Trying to keep me from drinking isn't going to help the alcoholic, KWIM?

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    Our RD is at an Irish restaurant with a bar, however we are having a dry dinner in a separate room in the back of the restaurant. The restaurant offers a limited menu for large parties so we plan on making a menu for each person attending the RD so they know what their options are.
    This is a great idea!


    How about making the restaurant of your choice one that doesn't serve alcohol? If you're hosting a dry dinner next to a bar, I'm going to feel like it's a cash bar. Are they comfortable with people drinking but just don't want to pay for it? If so can you set up a separate tab? In my circle we all drink wine with meals so I would find choosing to host somewhere that serves alcohol but then not serving it to be very odd. And frankly a pretty poor thank you for attending your rehearsal.
    We are having it in a very large city. Most places serve alcohol. We want to choose this place because its FIs favorite and because it can cater well to expansive number of dietary restrictions in the WP. The restaurant itself is very lovely. I would certainly hope that no one would feel that a very nice meal (in a separate room from the bar, mind you!) was a poor way to say thank you. I just don't want to convey that this is a cash bar. 

    The family likely won't pay for alcohol due to addiction issues. I believe it is simply something they do not feel comfortable financially supporting. Our wedding the next day will have a top shelf open bar, though.
    Do guests at the RD have addiction issues?  Because I can see not wanting to host alcohol when some or many of the guests atdinner actually have addiction issues.

    But if no one present at your RD actually has addiction issues, and your FI's family are just making a moral statement because other pppl in their family, not invited to the RD, have addiction issues, well I'm never a fan of that type of thing.  I don't like it when people try to control the behavior of others.
    I agree with that, but...even so, it's the prerogative of hosts to decide what they're going to serve and pay for.  The hosts could serve plenty of non-alcoholic beverages but no alcohol whatsoever, without giving a reason for the lack of alcohol, and they'd still be doing their job as polite hosts.  I don't disagree with the perspective of anyone who thinks occasions are less enjoyable without alcohol, but...that doesn't obligate the hosts to make it available, whether or not guests have to pay for it.
    I'm not saying that having a dry RD is bad hosting at all.

    What I'm saying is that I do not agree with the rationale behind refusing to provide alcohol to other ppl, who do not have any issues with alcoholism, just because someone in their family might have an addiction issue.  That's controlling behavior, even if it is well intentioned.

    And it doesn't work. . . a person with alcoholism has to learn to function in society surrounded by alcohol.  They have to learn how to control their own behaviors.  Trying to keep me from drinking isn't going to help the alcoholic, KWIM?
    Oh, of course.  I agree with you completely about the bolded.  But that's only one reason why hosts might choose not to provide alcohol.  If they make clear that the reason is to keep it away from addicts, then yes, that's not appropriate.  But they could give no reason at all and still be polite.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • The family likely won't pay for alcohol due to addiction issues. I believe it is simply something they do not feel comfortable financially supporting. Our wedding the next day will have a top shelf open bar, though.

    My family does not feel comfortable financially supporting alcohol either. So, I completely understand that. They do not drink. FI's family drinks a lot, though and every social gathering includes some sort of alcoholic drink (normally wine). FI also homebrews.

    Our reception is at a brewery that includes all their beers in the rental. Since my family has generously offered to pay for our wedding, we had to request the brewery draw two separate contracts, one for the beer and one for the room, just so they didn't have their money going toward it. The brewery was happy to do that for us. Everyone wins.

    Except FI's mom who really wants her wine, but the license only allows for the brewery's beer to be on the premises. She will probably have wine in the parking lot knowing her. But that's okay because she's  ordered no less than three cases of wine for the rehearsal dinner, which she's hosting at our favorite restaurant.

    I do not think it's unusual to not want to serve alcohol, regardless of being able to afford it. My family isn't against others drinking alcohol, they just don't want to financially support it. FI and I are picking up the beer portion of our reception and that is 100% okay with them. 

    I would be fine with a dry rehearsal and reception and I never expect alcohol to be provided for me with any meal. I can have fun and enjoy people's company without drinking. I do think that providing a menu is an excellent solution and I wouldn't think of it as a cash bar or rude.

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  • To me, believing that alcohol should be hosted for everything all the time because that is your preference is entitlement.

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    "They say there's no such place... as Paradise. Even if you search to the ends of the Earth, there's nothing there. No matter how far you walk, it's always the same road. It just goes on and on. But, in spite of that... Why am I so driven to find it? A voice calls to me... It says, 'Search for Paradise.' " - Kiba, Wolf's Rain

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  • How about making the restaurant of your choice one that doesn't serve alcohol? If you're hosting a dry dinner next to a bar, I'm going to feel like it's a cash bar. Are they comfortable with people drinking but just don't want to pay for it? If so can you set up a separate tab? In my circle we all drink wine with meals so I would find choosing to host somewhere that serves alcohol but then not serving it to be very odd. And frankly a pretty poor thank you for attending your rehearsal.
    Alcohol is not required as a thank you.  A nice meal in a private room is more than an adequate thank you for attending the rehearsal.

    It is in a private room.  If they wanted to see the bar, they'd have to leave the party they are attending.  That is rude.  It is not at all rude to have a party in a private room and host only select things.  Having the menu cards that list what they have a choice of is a perfect solution.  If a guest feels inadequately thanked without a glass of wine, they are the rude ones. Not the hosts.

    Edited to add: unless it is a breakfast or a fast food restaurant, it is generally pretty hard to find a place that doesn't serve at least wine and beer. Even places like Moe's and Chipotle serve beer and wine!
    Personally, I don't find it rude to leave the room, go order a drink, and then come back.  People who like to drink with dinner will probably do this, and it isn't a slight against the people hosting the RD.

    The RD is being held in a restaurant that serves alcohol.  If the RD was being held somewhere that did not serve alchol, and the hosts chose not to provide it, AND THEN guests brought their own booze, then I would say that is rude.
    Perhaps rude was the wrong word.  But I don't think that it is a reflection on the hosts, or that the event can be qualified as a "cash bar" if guests leave the room the party is being hosted in to go purchase something not being hosted.  And in certain situations, I do think leaving the party to purchase something not provided and bringing it back in is a little rude, because it kind of says "what you provided wasn't enough for me" - not totally, but a little.

    And in situations like this I think it can be tricky. FH's dad and step mom are both in AA.  They host dinners all the time, which obviously don't include alcohol.  If we were to bring alcohol with us to their home, or when out at a restaurant purchase an alcoholic drink and bring it back to the table, they would consider it rude.  Not because they can't function around alcohol - we have wine when they are at our home for dinner - but because they are hosting and bringing in something they aren't hosting suggests what they are hosting isn't good enough.

    But hey, I won't lie, if I didn't know that the reason there was no alcohol was because of addiction issues, I might be right there with you going out to the bar buying a drink to accompany my dinner ;)
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    How about making the restaurant of your choice one that doesn't serve alcohol? If you're hosting a dry dinner next to a bar, I'm going to feel like it's a cash bar. Are they comfortable with people drinking but just don't want to pay for it? If so can you set up a separate tab? In my circle we all drink wine with meals so I would find choosing to host somewhere that serves alcohol but then not serving it to be very odd. And frankly a pretty poor thank you for attending your rehearsal.
    Alcohol is not required as a thank you.  A nice meal in a private room is more than an adequate thank you for attending the rehearsal.

    It is in a private room.  If they wanted to see the bar, they'd have to leave the party they are attending.  That is rude.  It is not at all rude to have a party in a private room and host only select things.  Having the menu cards that list what they have a choice of is a perfect solution.  If a guest feels inadequately thanked without a glass of wine, they are the rude ones. Not the hosts.

    Edited to add: unless it is a breakfast or a fast food restaurant, it is generally pretty hard to find a place that doesn't serve at least wine and beer. Even places like Moe's and Chipotle serve beer and wine!
    Personally, I don't find it rude to leave the room, go order a drink, and then come back.  People who like to drink with dinner will probably do this, and it isn't a slight against the people hosting the RD.

    The RD is being held in a restaurant that serves alcohol.  If the RD was being held somewhere that did not serve alchol, and the hosts chose not to provide it, AND THEN guests brought their own booze, then I would say that is rude.
    Perhaps rude was the wrong word.  But I don't think that it is a reflection on the hosts, or that the event can be qualified as a "cash bar" if guests leave the room the party is being hosted in to go purchase something not being hosted.  And in certain situations, I do think leaving the party to purchase something not provided and bringing it back in is a little rude, because it kind of says "what you provided wasn't enough for me" - not totally, but a little.

    And in situations like this I think it can be tricky. FH's dad and step mom are both in AA.  They host dinners all the time, which obviously don't include alcohol.  If we were to bring alcohol with us to their home, or when out at a restaurant purchase an alcoholic drink and bring it back to the table, they would consider it rude.  Not because they can't function around alcohol - we have wine when they are at our home for dinner - but because they are hosting and bringing in something they aren't hosting suggests what they are hosting isn't good enough.

    But hey, I won't lie, if I didn't know that the reason there was no alcohol was because of addiction issues, I might be right there with you going out to the bar buying a drink to accompany my dinner ;)
    1st bolded- why is it rude for a person who isn't an alcoholic to have a drink in their presence in a public restaurant the serves alcohol?  Do they feel that everyone else in the restaurant that happens to be drinking in front of them are rude, too?

    I agree with you that I would not personally bring wine or anything to a dinner hosted by recovering alcoholics, as that would be rude and insensitive.

    2nd bolded- Even if I did know that the reason for not hosting alcohol was because of addiction issues, I still would not think it was rude for a non-alcoholic to buy a drink and consume it.  Especially if no one present at the RD was actually a recovering alcoholic.

    I get wanting to be sensitive to recovering alcoholics, but I don't think forcing everyone else not to drink, if that is their preference, is being sensitive.  I think it's controlling and a form of avoidance.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    How about making the restaurant of your choice one that doesn't serve alcohol? If you're hosting a dry dinner next to a bar, I'm going to feel like it's a cash bar. Are they comfortable with people drinking but just don't want to pay for it? If so can you set up a separate tab? In my circle we all drink wine with meals so I would find choosing to host somewhere that serves alcohol but then not serving it to be very odd. And frankly a pretty poor thank you for attending your rehearsal.
    Alcohol is not required as a thank you.  A nice meal in a private room is more than an adequate thank you for attending the rehearsal.

    It is in a private room.  If they wanted to see the bar, they'd have to leave the party they are attending.  That is rude.  It is not at all rude to have a party in a private room and host only select things.  Having the menu cards that list what they have a choice of is a perfect solution.  If a guest feels inadequately thanked without a glass of wine, they are the rude ones. Not the hosts.

    Edited to add: unless it is a breakfast or a fast food restaurant, it is generally pretty hard to find a place that doesn't serve at least wine and beer. Even places like Moe's and Chipotle serve beer and wine!
    Personally, I don't find it rude to leave the room, go order a drink, and then come back.  People who like to drink with dinner will probably do this, and it isn't a slight against the people hosting the RD.

    The RD is being held in a restaurant that serves alcohol.  If the RD was being held somewhere that did not serve alchol, and the hosts chose not to provide it, AND THEN guests brought their own booze, then I would say that is rude.
    Perhaps rude was the wrong word.  But I don't think that it is a reflection on the hosts, or that the event can be qualified as a "cash bar" if guests leave the room the party is being hosted in to go purchase something not being hosted.  And in certain situations, I do think leaving the party to purchase something not provided and bringing it back in is a little rude, because it kind of says "what you provided wasn't enough for me" - not totally, but a little.

    And in situations like this I think it can be tricky. FH's dad and step mom are both in AA.  They host dinners all the time, which obviously don't include alcohol.  If we were to bring alcohol with us to their home, or when out at a restaurant purchase an alcoholic drink and bring it back to the table, they would consider it rude.  Not because they can't function around alcohol - we have wine when they are at our home for dinner - but because they are hosting and bringing in something they aren't hosting suggests what they are hosting isn't good enough.

    But hey, I won't lie, if I didn't know that the reason there was no alcohol was because of addiction issues, I might be right there with you going out to the bar buying a drink to accompany my dinner ;)
    1st bolded- why is it rude for a person who isn't an alcoholic to have a drink in their presence in a public restaurant the serves alcohol?  Do they feel that everyone else in the restaurant that happens to be drinking in front of them are rude, too?

    I agree with you that I would not personally bring wine or anything to a dinner hosted by recovering alcoholics, as that would be rude and insensitive.

    2nd bolded- Even if I did know that the reason for not hosting alcohol was because of addiction issues, I still would not think it was rude for a non-alcoholic to buy a drink and consume it.  Especially if no one present at the RD was actually a recovering alcoholic.

    I get wanting to be sensitive to recovering alcoholics, but I don't think forcing everyone else not to drink, if that is their preference, is being sensitive.  I think it's controlling and a form of avoidance.
    I think the point is that it is rude to go buy something extra if you are attending a hosted dinner. I wouldn't go buy a steak because I didn't think the chicken was good enough. So why is it okay for me to go buy a mixed drink because the water and soda isn't good enough? I think going to buy something extra is rude whether it is alcohol or not.

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  • @Prettygirllost Only when they are hosting at the restaurant do we not do that.  If they are paying for dinner, and we know they are, if I left the table to go to the bar and get a drink and bring it back to the table, they would think it was rude. But if we were all just out, paying on own ways? I wouldn't leave the table to order a drink, I'd just order it on my tab.

    I guess if I know a host isn't providing alcohol because of personal objections, I think it is more polite to hold off until the hosted event is over.  If I am just out with folks in recovery, it won't stop me from drinking.
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  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
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    @Prettygirllost Only when they are hosting at the restaurant do we not do that.  If they are paying for dinner, and we know they are, if I left the table to go to the bar and get a drink and bring it back to the table, they would think it was rude. But if we were all just out, paying on own ways? I wouldn't leave the table to order a drink, I'd just order it on my tab.

    I guess if I know a host isn't providing alcohol because of personal objections, I think it is more polite to hold off until the hosted event is over.  If I am just out with folks in recovery, it won't stop me from drinking.
    Ok, that makes more sense.  Yeah, I get that and I'm with you there.

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  • From what I gathered from the OPs response, her FILs are sober. I can completely understand them not wanting to spend their money on alcohol.

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