Feeling good in your own skin

wandajune6 · June 2014

First off, I know I'm being whiney and that this seems totally AW-ish. However, FI is useless with these matters and I'd love thoughts from people who won't just give me the standard "of course you're pretty, don't be silly" talk.

So here goes: what do you do when you're just not feeling good in your own skin? I've been feeling hideous lately. I keep getting asked about losing weight for the wedding and, while I've lost a bit, I haven't lost as much as the world seems to think I should. My skin's been a mess because of the changing weather and my recent facial has only made it worse. The local weather has also turned my puffy hair into a full on frizztastic mess.

On top of all of it, my twin's lost a bunch of weight and looks gorgeous.

To make it worse, we're getting new engagement photos tomorrow morning. We didn't love our engagement photos and decided not to use the guy for our wedding. We found a wedding photographer we love who threw in a second engagement shoot so she could get to know us better. We're also including FI's son in a few of these pictures.

FI always looks good and is naturally photogenic. I'm not. Our first engagement photos make that abundantly clear. Our next shot will be in a beautiful public park in the sunshine so it should be better- but I'm feeling so gross that all I can think about is looking even uglier on camera.

So what do you do when you're feeling ugly? And what do you do to psych yourself up for being photographed during this period? And, while I'm at it, what makes you feel beautiful?

Inkdancer · June 2014

I know this sounds like a stupid preteen thing but it helps. When I'm feeling ugly, I post a selfie. My friends tell me I'm beautiful and it helps me feel better. Because really, whose opinion matters more than the opinion of people who love me?

I paint my nails and put on lipstick to feel prettier. Sometimes I'll also wear an outfit I know FI will like so he'll go all googly eyed when he gets home.

It's taken a lot of time and effort to get more comfortable with how I look. I'll always be plus-sized and that used to bother me, but it doesn't so much anymore.

As for your engagement shoot: a good photographer will capture your beauty and your love. Nobody will see a double chin or whatever other imperfection when the photo really shows off your joy in the relationship you have. Of course, a good photographer also knows how to minimize those imperfections with poses and camera angles. I hope that your new photographer makes you feel like the beautiful woman you are.

OnceUponAVine · June 2014

First, *HUGS* to you because everyone has body image issues at some point and they SUCK.

Next - don't worry about losing weight for your wedding. For some reason we've created a culture where we're suppose to "get skinny" for big events and ya know what? Your wedding is about you, your FI, and your love for each other. Remember that who you are is who your FI fell in love with and that is the person they want to marry.

If you don't get facials regularly then they can definitely wreck havoc on your skin. What you want to do is have a standard skin care routine and then only treat issues as they arise. Tomorrow morning do what you usually do with your skin, and I HIGHLY recommend using Smashbox's Photo Finish Primer after you moisturize but before you do your make up for pictures.

As far as just the general feeling "blah" my go-to is usually a bubble bath with a glass of wine to relax and some sexy underwear for an extra boost of confidence.

climbingsingle · June 2014

It took me a really long time to actually love and appreciate my body. I know that sounds silly, but I grew up with such low self confidence. So everyday when I get up in the morning, I tell myself one thing I love about my body. It's like a little pep talk every day.

Of course I also have days where I am not at all happy with the state of my body. On days like that, I put on sexy underwear. And honestly, having sex with my FI helps. He's so turned on and attracted to me, that it can't help but but a confidence booster.

ShallowSeas · June 2014

When I'm having "ugly days" where I feel horrible about myself, I make sure I take the extra time do my hair and make-up. Might sound kind of stupid, but I enjoy doing my hair and make up and it usually makes me happier when I'm happy with how my hair and make-up looks. I'm probably the opposite of most people; when I'm all fancied up, its usually because I'm having a low self-esteem day. When I walk out of the house with a t-shirt, jeans, and sneakers on and minimal make up it's usually because I woke up liking the way I look that day and don't do much to myself because of that.

The selfie thing @Inkdancer mentioned works for me as well.

When I have days where I'm feeling self-conscious about my weight I just make sure I eat really healthy that day and avoid soda and salt so I don't bloat. Knowing that I'm eating healthy usually makes me feel better about my body.

Also, wine solves most problems.

emmyg65 · June 2014

When I'm feeling bad about myself, I make an extra effort to get gussied up. Do my hair, put on makeup (I don't wear it every day), wear one of my favorite outfits. My weight varies a bit, so sometimes I make myself go get a few new outfits that actually fit the size I am, regardless of what the number on the tag says. And of course, pretty jewelry and fun shoes. I have this pair of red patent leather pumps that are pretty much guaranteed to make me feel like a hot tamale. I wore them for our engagement pics.

Also, surely, there's one thing you like about your appearance. Your easy smile? Your cute ankles? Your pretty eyes? My mom is weirdly proud of her tiny ears (I don't even know). Find that one thing and focus on it.

Beyond appearance stuff, practice being kind to yourself. I read this thing a few years ago that's simple and kind of trite, but it changed my behavior forever. It said to treat yourself like you would treat a good friend. You wouldn't tell your best friend she looks bad in those jeans, right? You might, at most, suggest that she perhaps consider a more flattering cut. And you'd never tell her to lose weight for her wedding.

Weddings can make you concentrate too much on your appearance. It's tough. Hang in there, lady.

ShallowSeas · June 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

It took me a really long time to actually love and appreciate my body. I know that sounds silly, but I grew up with such low self confidence. So everyday when I get up in the morning, I tell myself one thing I love about my body. It's like a little pep talk every day.
Of course I also have days where I am not at all happy with the state of my body. On days like that, I put on sexy underwear. And honestly, having sex with my FI helps. He's so turned on and attracted to me, that it can't help but but a confidence booster.

This!! Definitely have sex when you're having a low self-esteem day.

littlemushroom · June 2014

I definitely understand what it feels like to not feel good in your own skin. Growing up, I would get compliments on my intelligence and things I excelled at, but no one ever told me I was pretty. I figured that everyone focused on the other things because I wasn't pretty, and that has been a very hard mentality to change. Coupled with always being overweight (and at one point actually weighed double what the highest weight for my height should be), I felt bad about my appearance more often than not.

Now whenever I start feeling ugly/fat/unattractive, I focus entirely on how my FI acts towards me. He comes up behind me, wraps his arms around me, kisses my neck, and tells me he loves me. I just melt back against him and enjoy the feeling of being in his arms and know that he loves me looking the way I do. When we are watching TV we cuddle on the couch and he is always running his hand along my arm or back, like he can't touch me enough. I focus on how he tells me I'm sexy when he comes in to go to bed and I am already there. And like someone else said, having sex makes me feel a lot better too because it is proof that he still wants me looking the way I do.

I also try to wear outfits that I feel I look good in normally, so I must look good in them even if I don't feel like I do at the moment. Doing my make up also makes me feel better (since it isn't something I do daily).

I lost over 90 pounds a couple years ago, and more recently gained back a large chunk of it. Lately I have felt really self conscious about my weight, and got back on Weight Watchers. Not to lose weight for the wedding, but just to feel better in my own skin. Just knowing that I am eating better and working on my health makes me feel better about how I look now. The scale isn't the important part. It's knowing that I am taking care of myself the best way I know how.

FWIW as a stranger on the internet, I think you are pretty. And as a stranger, I do not have to say that if I don't mean it.

larrygaga · June 2014

I have pretty low self-esteem some days. I'm working very hard to love and accept myself. When I have a bad image day I do these things

1. Look in the mirror and decide 3 things you love about yourself

2. Look at a picture of yourself you hate and find 3 things about you in the picture that looks good

3. Buy something small, earrings lipgloss eyeshadow or whatever and use it that day.

For the record, your red hair and pale skin is very striking. It's rare for us redheads to have healthy-looking pale skin rather than pasty pale skin. You are very lovely.

sarawifenow · June 2014

I second whoever mention sexy underwear! I never buy anything except for really pretty, feminine pieces that I know I will look good in.

Every morning, I wake up, shower and then put on my underwear (depending on the day, it can get pretty sexy looking). Then I get ready in only my underwear. It is a real confidence boost to be curling my hair and be like, "damn, my boobs look great in this bra" or "my ass looks banging in these panties". It really has helped.

I also agree with the sex suggestion. But, then again, I love sex for any reason.

phira · June 2014

Selfies. Lots of 'em. Regularly.

I think one of the shocks of seeing yourself in photos when you don't look like a model is that you have an idea of what you look like in your brain, and it's not exactly what you really look like. So when you see photos, you think, "Oh my god, do I really have ..." or, "Am I really so ..."

If you're used to what you look like in photos, as opposed to the mirror, it's less of a drain on your self esteem.

The other thing I recommend is making a serious effort to buy clothing that fits you really well and flatters your figure. I absolutely guarantee that no matter what shape or size your body is, you have a figure, and you can wear things that flatter it. When I'm feeling frumpy, it's often because I'm wearing clothes that don't accentuate my waist; when I add a belt or change into something that cinches a bit at the waist, I suddenly feel so much better, even though my thighs and upper arms are the same size they always are, and my tummy hasn't magically disappeared either.

wandajune6 · June 2014

You're all great at this! Thanks for the kind words and helpful suggestions!

I got my first facial last week thinking it would help. I'm sure it will longer-term but, in the meantime, I feel like I'm rocking a pizza face. My allergies have been acting up lately as well. I've used that as a reason to skip makeup but making an effort would help. I hate doing my hair but I suspect that it would have the same effect.

FI hasn't been feeling well lately (new meds for his diabetes) so he's not interested in anything romantic/sexual. I'm pretty sure that isn't helping how I'm feeling. He's not naturally the most effusive with compliments but it's a little bit easier when he's more "on." The doc says that he'll be feeling better soon but, in the meantime, I'm both worried and feeling a bit selfish about missing that type of connection.

@larrygaga- thanks for saying that about redheads! I hate how straight my hair is in that pic (it "fell") but I've always been proud of those. I've kept my hair dye-free for the last decade and try very hard to keep my skin under control. I'm mostly worried about it from a skin cancer perspective but I like that it usually looks good. Sadly, I'm sporting a pizza right now!

I've always struggled with weight but I'm relatively comfortable in my own skin. Things have redistributed a bit as I've gotten older and I actually like it! Somehow, the combination of my twin losing weight and my upcoming wedding has just intensified every appearance-related self-esteem issue I've ever had. It doesn't help that everyone keeps pointing it out when we're together - then asking me about how I'm getting myself ready for the wedding.

I think my plan for tonight is set: head to the mall for a mani/pedi and a new dress- and maybe some new makeup and underwear, depending on how crazy the spending spree goes. Tomorrow, I'll get up early enough to give myself time for the full hair and makeup. That should help.

wandajune6 · June 2014

phira said:

Selfies. Lots of 'em. Regularly.

I think one of the shocks of seeing yourself in photos when you don't look like a model is that you have an idea of what you look like in your brain, and it's not exactly what you really look like. So when you see photos, you think, "Oh my god, do I really have ..." or, "Am I really so ..."

If you're used to what you look like in photos, as opposed to the mirror, it's less of a drain on your self esteem.

The other thing I recommend is making a serious effort to buy clothing that fits you really well and flatters your figure. I absolutely guarantee that no matter what shape or size your body is, you have a figure, and you can wear things that flatter it. When I'm feeling frumpy, it's often because I'm wearing clothes that don't accentuate my waist; when I add a belt or change into something that cinches a bit at the waist, I suddenly feel so much better, even though my thighs and upper arms are the same size they always are, and my tummy hasn't magically disappeared either.

I agree completely. I used to go to a boutique that I loved because she sold things in my size and would help me find the perfect fit. It was fabulous.

I feel too fat for everything I own at the moment. I know that's not entirely true, though I've gained a few pounds, but my favorite pieces aren't feeling comfortable right now. I always have dresses and other options that are big and baggy but I feel ugly when everything's hanging off of me.

erollis · June 2014

One of the things that helped me when I was overweight (190/195 at 5'4") was joining voluptuous vixens on Facebook. The positivity on there is incredible. It helped me look at my body and love it the way it was no matter what size or shape. We all are beautiful no matter what.

I also bought nice cloths that made me look and feel good. And sexy underwear is a must!

I've had horrible skin since puberty. Because of VV on Facebook I started feeling beautiful even if I'm a pimply mess. Really positive thoughts is what helped me the most. Once I started viewing myself in a positive way fairly regularly I embraced my "flaws".

I'm a bit jealous of redheads. Since I was little I wanted red hair and freckles. Redheads are beautiful and you are no exception. Embrace your beauty.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

I'm jealous of redheads, too! I think you look absolutely lovely in your avatar pic. Your coloring is so gorgeous! We have a few in my family so I always hoped as I got older my hair would get a little redder. No such luck. I have the fair skin and freckles, though. So. many. freckles.

I know what you mean with the sister comparisons. My sister is three years younger, an inch taller, and about 15-20lbs lighter. We look nothing alike: she has delicate features like my mom, and I'm sort of square-faced like my dad. Growing up, she was always the pretty one and I was the smart one. Those comparisons did not feel good-- for either of us. Turns out just like I've always been jealous of her looks, she has always been jealous of the attention I got for academics. Sisters are always going to compare to each other. I bet your sister is jealous of something about you, too. Maybe your upcoming wedding, or your great family, or your intelligence, or your beautiful smile.

When I'm feeling blah, I make sure I get active that day and try not to eat junk. I always feel better about myself after a workout, even if I'm having a "fat day" or my hip injury is acting up and it's just a light bike ride. Try to concentrate on what your body can do rather than how it looks. I think that's one reason sex helps, too. But if your Fi is feeling down for the count because of his meds, exercise has a lot of the same effect. Endorphins!!! Take a walk, ride your bike, head to the gym. If it's nice where you live, get out in the sunshine!

The trip to the mall sounds like a great idea. Get some clothes you feel awesome about, some sexy underwear, and a little makeup treat. If you have a Sephora in your mall, you can also get your makeup professionally done as long as you make a $50 purchase. You can call ahead and make an appointment. If you have it in your budget, it's a nice thing to do because they are fantastic at foundation and contouring. I'm okay on everyday makeup, but I just can't get my skin to look the same as they do. Maybe you can have that done in the morning before your engagement shoot for a boost of confidence.

CMGragain · June 2014

My dear OP, someday when you are a grandmother, you will look back at your engagement photos and wedding pictures, and realize how truly beautiful you are at this time of your life.

NYCMercedes · June 2014

Another point of view: when I get down on myself, I either take a nap or get some fresh air and moderate exercise. Frequently I beat up on myself when really, I'm just plain tired. Other times I beat up on myself when a simple walk around the block gets me thinking of something other than my poor plight. Good luck!

wandajune6 · June 2014

CMGragain said:

My dear OP, someday when you are a grandmother, you will look back at your engagement photos and wedding pictures, and realize how truly beautiful you are at this time of your life.

I hope you're right! My grandmother has been wearing long sleeves and turtlenecks since her 60's because she wanted to hide her neck and arms. Now that she's in her 90s, I have to remind myself that she's got dementia every times she calls me fat and tells me that I'm going to lose FI if I don't "make myself presentable."

NowIamMrsKlein · June 2014

I tend to feel self conscious the most when i'm visiting family. I'm short and curvy, while the rest of my family are more tall and slender. I find it very hard to not just want to fade into the background sometimes. I find getting dressed up in an outfit that I know my FI adores really helps. No matter whether its a cute sundress or a pair of jeans and one of his t-shirts (he tends to find this adorable because im 5feet and he's 6'1 so his t-shirts are like little dresses on me). One 'oh look at you!' from him completely changes my mood. It helps that he's very cognizant of my moods and will do little things to perk me up when he knows i need it. I recently lost 7lbs in order for a BM dress to fit me better for my sisters wedding. Proud of my accomplishment I was suitably crushed when my mum expressed her concern that my dress still wont fit 'right'. I just nodded and smiled and told her im sure it would be fine. FI pulled me aside later and told me how proud he was of me and all my accomplishments and told me I was beautiful. (I gots a keeper) Definitely recommend a go-to 'damn im hot' outfit. (whatever makes YOU feel sexy. t-shirt, jeans, dress, undies etc) And even just talking to your FI about it, he's your own personal cheerleader! (and ditto to pp's about your hair! Im also a natural redhead and sometimes just remembering how awesome and unique i am really helps! You're beautiful!)

KatieinBkln · June 2014

I second the comment about getting outside. Sometimes I just need some fresh air (and sunshine, if it's available. I swear I'm not seasonally affected; I'm weather-affected, day to day). Exercise helps too, if I can get myself to do it. Horizontal exercise (ahem) is wonderful as well. I'm surprised about the selfies. I have never taken one (that I deem good enough to post). I hate the angle, I hate my shitty phone camera, I hate the lighting in my apartment, I hate the way they highlight the fact that I rarely wear makeup. I think I look pretty okay in real life most of the time, but in a photo? Ugh, they are self-esteem disasters. The only time I ever look good in photos is when they're professionally done and I'm actually wearing makeup. Otherwise it's all Ghosty McFlashface. @Phira it's so interesting you say to get used to how you look in pics because that's more what people see--if I actually look like what I look like in casual/selfie pics, that is actually my worst nightmare. And @JCBride2015 I didn't know that about Sephora! I might...just do that for my actual wedding? Maybe go ahead of time so I have some sense of what I want and then go back on wedding day? ETA g.d. paragraphs (which will not add. FFS)

JCbride2015 · June 2014

KatieinBkln said:

I second the comment about getting outside. Sometimes I just need some fresh air (and sunshine, if it's available. I swear I'm not seasonally affected; I'm weather-affected, day to day). Exercise helps too, if I can get myself to do it. Horizontal exercise (ahem) is wonderful as well. I'm surprised about the selfies. I have never taken one (that I deem good enough to post). I hate the angle, I hate my shitty phone camera, I hate the lighting in my apartment, I hate the way they highlight the fact that I rarely wear makeup. I think I look pretty okay in real life most of the time, but in a photo? Ugh, they are self-esteem disasters. The only time I ever look good in photos is when they're professionally done and I'm actually wearing makeup. Otherwise it's all Ghosty McFlashface. @Phira it's so interesting you say to get used to how you look in pics because that's more what people see--if I actually look like what I look like in casual/selfie pics, that is actually my worst nightmare. And @JCBride2015 I didn't know that about Sephora! I might...just do that for my actual wedding? Maybe go ahead of time so I have some sense of what I want and then go back on wedding day? ETA g.d. paragraphs (which will not add. FFS)

---------------------------------------------

@KatieinBkln I have done it a couple of times and it always comes out pretty. The nice thing is you are paying for $50 of product, so you actually get to take home some stuff they use on you. Once, the girl was new to the store or something and took FOREVER finding the products to use. So she made me late for our tenth anniversary, and I was not happy. But if you find somebody you like and schedule it ahead of time, you'll probably be fine.

But if you're getting married locally, I will also suggest Rouge NYC in Soho. They're really reasonable priced and they did a fantastic demo on me at a wedding expo. I'm thinking about paying them to come out to NJ to do makeup for me and my BMs.

KatieinBkln · June 2014

I'm not getting married here, unfortunately. The wedding is back "home" in Wisconsin, where the professional makeup world tends to skew toward Mary Kay over-donenness and Glamour Shots holy-shittery.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

KatieinBkln said:

I'm not getting married here, unfortunately. The wedding is back "home" in Wisconsin, where the professional makeup world tends to skew toward Mary Kay over-donenness and Glamour Shots holy-shittery.

Bummer. So if they have Sephora, that might be a good option for you!

Feeling good in your own skin

Re: Feeling good in your own skin

Choose Another Board

Search Boards