Honeymoon Registry/shower

climbingsingle · June 2014

I can't believe your HM is actually already paid for and you're still hitting people up for cash for it. WOW, girlfriend. I have no words.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I can't believe your HM is actually already paid for and you're still hitting people up for cash for it. WOW, girlfriend. I have no words.

So how will you write TY notes for these gifts?

"Dear Friend,

Thanks for contributing to my Honeyfund. I know you said that money should go to theater tickets, but we already paid for our honeymoon before we asked YOU to pay for it! So instead, I received $97 of your $100 gift as a check. We'll be putting that money into savings, squeeee! Thanks for helping pay off my credit card!

Love,

Nikki and Spouse"

Meanwhile, if you had not created a deceitful honeymoon registry, and your friend gave you a $100 check, here's what you could honestly write:

"Dear Friend,

Thanks so much for celebrating with us at the wedding. Your gift was so generous! We'll be able to use that money to pay off some debt and start our marriage on sound financial footing. It means a lot to us!

Love,

Nikki and Spouse"

misshart00 · June 2014

NYCBruin said:

Knottie51909909 said:

FWIW, here is a short story about the last honeymoon registry I contributed to. This couple was going to Hawaii. One of the things on the HR was a volcano hike - this is what I chose to buy for them. About a month after they returned from their trip, I received a thank you card from the bride and groom with a picture of them at the top of the volcano. I thought it was really cute and thoughtful, and it let me know that they did actually use the money for what I had intended.

I get that maybe not everyone is that way, but... I don't know... I've had positive experiences in general with honeymoon registries.

Someone said above "Just because YOU feel that way doesn't mean EVERYONE does". Well flip that. Just because YOU ALL feel the way you do doesn't mean every wedding guest feels the same.

You could always write "treat yourself to a nice dinner on your honeymoon" on the check line or in your card. Or you could actually purchase something for the couple for their honeymoon (plane tickets, hotel rooms, massage gift cards, wine bottles to their room, etc) without the use of a honeymoon registry. My family has been doing this for years, well before "honeymoon" (I use quotes since unlike actually giving gifts towards a honeymoon, you are just getting cash) registries were a thing.

This. The largest portion of our honeymoon was a gift. Friends bought our plane tickets using their miles and MIL made our hotel reservations. It was wonderful and we never asked for it.

aurianna · June 2014

nikkikovach, So you seem set on this. For the record I think you should take these impartial women's advice (not including Knottie51909909 since I'm pretty sure she's actually you or someone you know) and scrap the honeymoon registry and scrap the shower if you aren't registering for physical things. But if you refuse to listen to reason, I will do what you asked and try to give suggestions on making it "less" rude.

IF the shower is being thrown for you by someone else (you never really clarified that), register for more stuff. More luggage. Makeup bags. Sleep sacks. Travel books. Pocket translators. A compass. Whatever. I side-eye some of that stuff on registries, but not as much as I detest honeymoon registries. The purpose of a shower is to shower the bride with physical gifts. And if the invitations have not already gone out, perhaps considering asking the host not to mention the honeymoon registry in the invitations (word of mouth that you're wanting to honeymoon is good enough).
Also there must be SOMETHING in your house you want upgraded. Nicer appliances? Luxury sheets / towels? Gardening equipment? I also think sporting gear and hosting entertainment items (lawn games, party games, etc) are better to ask for than money.

If you are throwing your own shower... honeymoon shower or not, this is rude. Undebateable. Unless you are in grade school, throwing yourself a party in your own honor where people are expected to bring you presents... Not polite. Stop calling it a shower. Just host a brunch / luncheon. Say NOTHING about gifts in the invitation. If anyone asks you about gifts for the "shower" tell them that it isn't a gift-giving event; you only request the pleasure of their company at your brunch.

(Truthfully, this is the most polite option either way. If you do this, for the "shower" at least, you're mostly in the etiquette clear).

Also, do not mention gifts / money / honeymoon registry / any registry in your wedding invitation if you were planning on doing so. People will figure out where you are registered by googling or asking you or someone close to you.

So I've done what you asked. Now I'll take a stab at this too:

1. You will still get money [that you could use on your honeymoon] even if you don't have a honeymoon registry. Maybe more.

Weddings and money do not go hand-in-hand. A wedding guest is never required to give you a gift. And by the same token, money is always an acceptable wedding gift (at least in most circles).
Guests are not required to give you anything, but if they want to give you money, they are free to give it to you without your asking for it. Example: If there's something on a couple's registry I think is neat, I will buy it for them. If nothing on their registry is something I want to give them, I write them a check. If they have no registry, unless I can think of something they'd really like, I write them a check. I have never been to a wedding that had a honeymoon registry, yet I've written lots and lots of checks.
Now... if I was presented only with a honeymoon registry... as I find it so rude I'm not sure what I'd do. I wouldn't use it, that's for sure, as it's deceptive. I'd probably either give a physical gift or write a check for less than I might normally, just because the couple's expectation of cash would turn me off.

2. Wanting cash is not rude. Asking for cash is rude.

There is a nuance here. Not registering gives the guests a freedom in what they give you. Many will give you cash straight up. Many will ask you what you want (where you say "we have all the household items we need, though we are saving for extras for our honeymoon"). Some people don't like giving cash so they will give you a physical gift. Which is fine. This is all ok, because they feel no pressure to give you money.
However a honeymoon registry is a very "in your face" plea for money. The guests that don't realize the company just cuts you a check will be deceived by it, and those that do realize will feel pressured to only give you money.
Wanting money is ok, but carving it in stone and making your guests feel like no other gift would be welcome... it just makes me feel itchy.
Having no wish list means no expectations and no pressure on the guests. Having a wishlist for money means expectations of cash gifts that puts pressure on the guests.

countrygirl061513 · June 2014

I understand the OP is paying all the fees for the money that people send via her honeyfund thing. But what I don't get is why you would want to pay money to get money that if you didn't have the honeyfund thing you would still get the money but not have to pay anything. yes I am sure that didn't make any sense.

Lets say you invited 100 families to your wedding. And each family gives you $100. That would make the total amount of those gifts $10,000. She said the fee is 3% which would make it $300. So in essence you are paying $300 to get $10K or a net of $9,700. Which the checks from the honeyfund thing can be sent to you up to a month after your wedding. Which for the most part is after anyone takes their honeymoon.

Maybe I am just cheap but there is no way I would pay 1 red cent to get a gift of money when I just need to wait a couple weeks.

Jen4948 · June 2014

countrygirl061513 said:

I understand the OP is paying all the fees for the money that people send via her honeyfund thing. But what I don't get is why you would want to pay money to get money that if you didn't have the honeyfund thing you would still get the money but not have to pay anything. yes I am sure that didn't make any sense.
Stuck in box...but I think this makes perfect sense.

SeaCaptainOtter · June 2014

The horses are out and you're trying to shut the paddock. Just shut it down and people will give you cash. People have been doing this before the internet.

eljaye · June 2014

I could be wrong but didn't the OP say she had a traditional registry as well? So the guests have options, they are not being bludgeoned to participate in this. I just really feel, whether it's "asking for cash" or not, that any couple has the right to choose what makes them happy as far as a registry goes.

Also, FWIW, I am not the OP nor do I know her. I just feel like everyone is pretty harsh, and no one else seems to think a honeymoon registry is at all OK - I know I can't be THE ONLY ONE. It also appears that the whole thing was blown way out of proportion from the get-go. Telling someone to cancel something they've already put into place simply is not helpful. And now that I've taken the opposite side, I'm like a dog with a bone.

I can honestly say that I've attended two weddings where the couple did a honeymoon registry and I didn't even think twice about it. I had no idea that the issue was even one of debate. I just looked at it as a different approach to an "everyone does it this way" registry. But then I'm also a fan of the more non-traditional methods anyway.
As for the 3%, perhaps the couple feels it's an appropriate "fee" for the convenience of consolidating everyone's cash gifts into one lump sum. Who knows - I could care less what Miss Manners or Emily Post or any of those people say... I still stand by my opinion (and yes, it's just that - an opinion) that the couple has the right to register for what they want, and if any of the guests feel that it's rude then who cares, they don't have to participate. A wedding is not about the guests - sorry but it's true - it's about the couple getting married. It's not my place to judge their choices, and I'm free to gift however and whatever I see fit.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

Knottie51909909 said:

I could be wrong but didn't the OP say she had a traditional registry as well? So the guests have options, they are not being bludgeoned to participate in this. I just really feel, whether it's "asking for cash" or not, that any couple has the right to choose what makes them happy as far as a registry goes.

Also, FWIW, I am not the OP nor do I know her. I just feel like everyone is pretty harsh, and no one else seems to think a honeymoon registry is at all OK - I know I can't be THE ONLY ONE. It also appears that the whole thing was blown way out of proportion from the get-go. Telling someone to cancel something they've already put into place simply is not helpful. And now that I've taken the opposite side, I'm like a dog with a bone.

I can honestly say that I've attended two weddings where the couple did a honeymoon registry and I didn't even think twice about it. I had no idea that the issue was even one of debate. I just looked at it as a different approach to an "everyone does it this way" registry. But then I'm also a fan of the more non-traditional methods anyway.
As for the 3%, perhaps the couple feels it's an appropriate "fee" for the convenience of consolidating everyone's cash gifts into one lump sum. Who knows - I could care less what Miss Manners or Emily Post or any of those people say... I still stand by my opinion (and yes, it's just that - an opinion) that the couple has the right to register for what they want, and if any of the guests feel that it's rude then who cares, they don't have to participate. A wedding is not about the guests - sorry but it's true - it's about the couple getting married. It's not my place to judge their choices, and I'm free to gift however and whatever I see fit.

Sure, you can have whatever opinion you want. But this is the Etiquette board. So we care about etiquette and will not say a HM registry is okay.

Second bolded: BINGO! *drinking*

ladyamanuet · June 2014

@JCBRide2015 you beat me to it! I was gonna call bingo but I was on a conference call... damn work getting int the way of my knotting....

aurianna · June 2014

The bride and groom would only have a "right" to try to solicit cash if they were actually entitled to gifts, and more specifically, the exact gifts of their choosing. But gifts are not required and the couple would do best to be gracious and thankful for anything they receive rather than rudely trying to dictate cash gifts.

The wedding stops being solely about the couple the moment they start inviting other people. If the bride and groom are not willing to take proper etiquette into account, they should not be inviting guests.

Even if you/OP/whoever is registering for a few physical items, the fact remains that the largest part of her registry is a cash grab. But the added icing on this cake is that OP has already admitted to having honeymoon paid off. She's lying to her guests.

Having a honeymoon registry = registering for cash. Rude, therefore against etiquette.
Letting uninformed guests think they are really buying you some sort of event or excursion when they are really just giving you money that you may or may not actually use on those events = misleading and inconsiderate. Misleading and being inconsiderate of your guests is against etiquette.
Telling your guests you need help for your honeymoon when in fact you just want cash is straight up lies and deceit. Being knowingly deceitful is obviously against etiquette.

This is an etiquette board. We are not going to condone lying to guests; not when proper etiquette is all about treating your guests well and with respect.

casey8784 · June 2014

@ladymanuet I've been seeing people calling bingo lately...what's the requirements/"phrases" needed "to win"? (obviously i see the "it my/the B+G's day!" is one...lol!

ladyamanuet · June 2014

@casey8784 oh any of the phrases speshul snowflakes use to "defend" their abhorrent behavior.. if you do a thread search for bingo Cards you'll see one of our regulars actually made some =D

MGP · June 2014

Knottie51909909 said:

FWIW, here is a short story about the last honeymoon registry I contributed to. This couple was going to Hawaii. One of the things on the HR was a volcano hike - this is what I chose to buy for them. About a month after they returned from their trip, I received a thank you card from the bride and groom with a picture of them at the top of the volcano. I thought it was really cute and thoughtful, and it let me know that they did actually use the money for what I had intended.

Here is a short story about the last honeymoon registry I contributed to: I purchased a "beach dinner" off the honeymoon registry for my BFF's brother and wife. I say wife because the week of the wedding my BFF told me in confidence that they were married several months earlier for immigration reasons. At that point I didn't even know how to go about getting the gift refunded so I just let it go.

Fast forward to the wedding - they had a cash bar. Everyone including myself was PISSED and had no cash. The guys at my table snuck in a case of canned beer and literally drank under the table.

Fast forward several months after the wedding - I found out they had another PPD in her home country. But wait there's more! THEY DIDNT GO ON THEIR HONEYMOON because they ran out of money paying for their dual PPD's so put the money towards that. I was livid at that point. Needless to say I hate these people and avoid them at all costs.

Honeymoon registries suck donkey balls. Just don't do it.

Side note - my autocorrect changed "honeymoon" to "moneymoon". Ha!

ladyamanuet · June 2014

The first time I ever saw a honeymoon registry I didn't know about the fees, or the cash thing. I bought my friend and her new hubby a sushi dinner in Hawaii. I thought. When I found out later (by reading these threads) that I didn't actually buy them that and that they didn't get the full amount I gave, I was incredibly unhappy. Had I known that I would have just given them a check or a gift certificate directly to that restaurant.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

@MGP and @ladyamanuet I have a similar story! My first run-in with Honeyfund was a couple years after college when a friend/coworker got married. Her BMs threw a "honeymoon themed" shower with, yep, just a Honeyfund registry. I purchased a "volcano hike" for their honeymoon, slightly more than I might have normally spent-- but I thought the idea was really cool. I was thrilled to print the voucher and put it in the card, thinking she actually would use the credit for a volcano hike.

At the shower, it quickly became very awkward watching Bride open a stack of envelopes. She actually stopped saying what each voucher was for, just "Friend contributed to our honeymoon! Thank you!" Over and over again. So that rubbed me the wrong way.... why wouldn't she say it was for a volcano outing? I thought. And opening the envelopes was just grating and weird.

The wedding (I gave a check) and HM came and went. Later Bride said to me at work, "Our honeyfund was so great! We had already paid for the HM so we just got a big check from the website. We used it towards the down payment on our condo."

I was really hurt. I thought I was giving her a specific gift, and instead they just took the money and used it for whatever. Now, if she had not had the Honeyfund, I would have just given her a boxed gift at the shower and a check at the wedding anyway. She would have still gotten money. But I would have known that money was for her to do whatever with. Instead I felt lied to and misled.

MGP · June 2014

JCbride2015 said:

I was really hurt. I thought I was giving her a specific gift, and instead they just took the money and used it for whatever. Now, if she had not had the Honeyfund, I would have just given her a boxed gift at the shower and a check at the wedding anyway. She would have still gotten money. But I would have known that money was for her to do whatever with. Instead I felt lied to and misled.

Exactly! Honeymoon registries are a disgusting bait and switch. You and I obviously did not want to fund a down payment or a PPD but that's what happened. If we buy volcano hikes or beach dinners they damn well hike up that volcano or sit on the beach and eat! I am not saying it's OK, but at least it's honest follow through.

I also bet money you are no longer friends with this person.

AddieCake · June 2014

So....yeah. I found a way to repurpose the old Snarky Brides van, ladies.

MGP · June 2014

OP since you don't know me from a hole in the wall I will tell you my registry experience with full disclosure. This is not meant to sound boastful like "hey everyone I got a crap ton of money for my wedding" because I feel truly blessed what my guests did for me and know people who received a lot more than what I did. It's not the dollar amount, the moral of my story is how you treat people.

You sound like you are in the same position I was. I too was almost 30 when I got married. I owned my own home paid for with my own money and had most of the household items I needed. My now husband and I booked and paid for our honeymoon well in advance.

My registry items were only things I needed or wanted to upgrade. Guest bath towels, nice knives, etc. Between my shower and wedding every single item was purchased. We also got what I believe most people would consider a large amount of cash. Like, enough to buy a luxury car type of amount. The majority of it immediately went into retirement funds. We used a little to pay for the wedding bands, some more for a home improvement project and quite honestly took about $1000 for spending money on the honeymoon.

Here's my point - at not one time during my engagement did I ever even utter the words "gifts", cash" or "money" to my guests. People tend to be more generous if they feel like their gifts are given out of choice and not from obligation or coercion (aka only having a honeymoon registry). Taking the checks to the bank myself saved me thousands of $$ in fees and I didn't offend anyone in the process. Win win for me.

So my honest, respectful, and truly trying to help you advice is this - what you are doing is extremely tacky and deceitful but you may have a way to save face. Can you at least edit the registry? I agree it would look strange to disable it if people have already contributed, although still probably the best option. Can you delete items or change dollar amounts to make it look like everything is already purchased? My thinking is if people see a full registry they may just end up giving you cash. That's what happens all the time on a traditional registry. People will not likely remember your registry items anyways other than what they actually purchased. This is the closest I can come to the "small physical gift registry and they will get the message you want cash" advice that usually goes out on topics like this.

And for the sake of all things holy take the money you do receive from the honeymoon registry and use it what it was indicated for to the tee. Best of luck to you, I hope this has been a learning experience.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

MGP said:

JCbride2015 said:

I was really hurt. I thought I was giving her a specific gift, and instead they just took the money and used it for whatever. Now, if she had not had the Honeyfund, I would have just given her a boxed gift at the shower and a check at the wedding anyway. She would have still gotten money. But I would have known that money was for her to do whatever with. Instead I felt lied to and misled.

Exactly! Honeymoon registries are a disgusting bait and switch. You and I obviously did not want to fund a down payment or a PPD but that's what happened. If we buy volcano hikes or beach dinners they damn well hike up that volcano or sit on the beach and eat! I am not saying it's OK, but at least it's honest follow through.

I also bet money you are no longer friends with this person.

See, I would not mind one little bit if I gave them a check and she said they used it for a down payment. Awesome! I just felt mislead about it. Regardless that they used the money for something responsible in the end.

We are still friends but things have cooled off. Bride is a bit flaky. The HM fund was sort of a symptom of the problem, not the root, you know?

MGP · June 2014

JCbride2015 said:

MGP said:

JCbride2015 said:

I was really hurt. I thought I was giving her a specific gift, and instead they just took the money and used it for whatever. Now, if she had not had the Honeyfund, I would have just given her a boxed gift at the shower and a check at the wedding anyway. She would have still gotten money. But I would have known that money was for her to do whatever with. Instead I felt lied to and misled.

Exactly! Honeymoon registries are a disgusting bait and switch. You and I obviously did not want to fund a down payment or a PPD but that's what happened. If we buy volcano hikes or beach dinners they damn well hike up that volcano or sit on the beach and eat! I am not saying it's OK, but at least it's honest follow through.

I also bet money you are no longer friends with this person.

See, I would not mind one little bit if I gave them a check and she said they used it for a down payment. Awesome! I just felt mislead about it. Regardless that they used the money for something responsible in the end.

We are still friends but things have cooled off. Bride is a bit flaky. The HM fund was sort of a symptom of the problem, not the root, you know?

Totally agree. It's the deceit that is the problem. You are lucky they used it for something responsible. I am still seething after 8 years that $7 went to Honeyfund and $93 went to fund a cash bar PPD. Hopefully I will get over it before the decade mark hits.

aurianna · June 2014

If I gave $100 to a couple who registered for nothing and I found out they spent it on a giant metal chicken, I'd be totally ok with that because I gave it to them freely to use freely.

If I gave $100 through a honeymoon registry for a volcano walk and then found out they instead spent the $97 on a house down payment I would be pissed, because I didn't think I was giving them cash to use freely; I thought I was buying them a honeymoon experience.

I don't understand how people don't understand that bait & switching their guests is so disrespectful.

slothiegal · June 2014

aurianna said:

I don't understand how people don't understand that bait & switching their guests is so disrespectful.

Truth.

Lying ain't cute.

dramamonkey · June 2014

For what it's worth, I did a honeymoon registry.

I regret it.

It was fine, people contributed, whatever....

But I wish I hadn't done it. I felt huge amounts of guilt about doing the things that people had paid for. I was too busy making sure we did all of those things, that I rushed us around and didn't take as much time to RELAX on our honeymoon.

I think you'll find, like DH and I did, that people will just be generous when it comes to weddings. Why pay some company a 3% fee for money? It adds up.

You're right though, most people won't tell you that it's rude. There are a lot of people who don't care, but most of them don't understand how it "really works" they think they are actually buying you that item, not just throwing a wad of cash at you.

crunchymamaof2 · June 2014

Instant gratification has nothing to do with this situation (in response to knottie and a whole lotta numbers- anyone else tired and confused by all these "knotties" lately..). Greediness and entitlement sure does though. A honeymoon is nothing more than a vacation, except that it's taken after one gets married. Would you ask others to fund any other vacation you want to take? I'd hope not. Maybe if we have another baby I should have a "baby fund" so we can take a baby moon! Give me a break.

Since you won't delete the honeyfund, pretend like it doesn't exist. Don't tell anyone new about it, don't advertise it, and maybe remove any "items" that haven't yet been purchased. Send thank you notes for the gifts already purchased and call it a day. Keep your traditional registry as is. When people ask you what you need or want simply tell them "were actually saving for our honeymoon since we have our home set up already." Easy!

Then, people can choose to contribute to your honeymoon by writing a check and putting "airfare" or "spending money" or whatever on the memo line. By doing that, and I know this is an amazingly difficult concept to grasp for some, your guests have given you the gift you wanted AND no fee was taken! It's a win win!

Almost everyone knows in this day and age that cash is often the preferred gift. Those that don't realize this, or don't agree with it, wouldn't use a HM registry. They'll either consider you greedy or simply skip it and choose a physical gift of their choosing. So wherever the idea came from that a HM registry will help avoid unwanted gifts was very, very wrong.

And I'm sorry, but all this "who wants a shitty toaster" crap is just disgusting. (Also directed to knottie and a whole lotta numbers). 1: if you are that greedy and self absorbed that you can't be grateful for a GIFT then you have much bigger issues. And 2: if you don't want a toaster DONT REGISTER FOR ONE! Why is that so hard to understand?!

ohannabelle · June 2014

MGP said:

Knottie51909909 said:

FWIW, here is a short story about the last honeymoon registry I contributed to. This couple was going to Hawaii. One of the things on the HR was a volcano hike - this is what I chose to buy for them. About a month after they returned from their trip, I received a thank you card from the bride and groom with a picture of them at the top of the volcano. I thought it was really cute and thoughtful, and it let me know that they did actually use the money for what I had intended.

Here is a short story about the last honeymoon registry I contributed to: I purchased a "beach dinner" off the honeymoon registry for my BFF's brother and wife. I say wife because the week of the wedding my BFF told me in confidence that they were married several months earlier for immigration reasons. At that point I didn't even know how to go about getting the gift refunded so I just let it go.

Fast forward to the wedding - they had a cash bar. Everyone including myself was PISSED and had no cash. The guys at my table snuck in a case of canned beer and literally drank under the table.

Fast forward several months after the wedding - I found out they had another PPD in her home country. But wait there's more! THEY DIDNT GO ON THEIR HONEYMOON because they ran out of money paying for their dual PPD's so put the money towards that. I was livid at that point. Needless to say I hate these people and avoid them at all costs.

Honeymoon registries suck donkey balls. Just don't do it.

Side note - my autocorrect changed "honeymoon" to "moneymoon". Ha!

You have a very wise autocorrect. I'd keep an eye on it.

I like it. "Moneymoon registries."

MGP · June 2014

dramamonkey said:

But I wish I hadn't done it. I felt huge amounts of guilt about doing the things that people had paid for. I was too busy making sure we did all of those things, that I rushed us around and didn't take as much time to RELAX on our honeymoon.

You know I have always thought that when I have perused honeymoon registries. Like "wow that's a LOT of activities for a vacation, not to mention a honeymoon". But good for you for actually following through.

aurianna · June 2014

dramamonkey said:

For what it's worth, I did a honeymoon registry.

I regret it.

But I wish I hadn't done it. I felt huge amounts of guilt about doing the things that people had paid for. I was too busy making sure we did all of those things, that I rushed us around and didn't take as much time to RELAX on our honeymoon.

Definite respect for attempting to keep true to what your guests thought they were giving you, especially when the wedding industry / registry people make it so easy to not by just giving the check.
Thanks for having the courage to share this tidbit here!

...heh... though, I think a person who's already stated that their honeymoon is already paid off and they are only doing this so they'll be sure they get money and not a crappy toaster isn't going to have the same guilt about trying to do the things that were listed on the registry like you did.

weddingmcgee · June 2014

I set up a honeymoon registry and then realized that we just got money (I guess I thought I could actually link it to certain companies that offered activities- like an actual company that offers scuba lessons). Then I realized we had to pay for it, either a large amount up front or a certain amount on the dollar. And I found it annoying. So, I took it down. I set up a small registry on amazon.com, but hopefully people get the hint that we want cash because we didn't pick a lot of stuff. I never saw it as selfish or money grubbing when I was considering the honeymoon fund. I know most people on here think it is, but I don't think it's that big of a deal. I can see that it can be kinda deceptive if you register for a swim with the dolphins, but use the money to pay your cell phone bill. I didn't want to run into that situation where Aunt So and So asks how horseback riding was and I either have to lie or tell her that we didn't do it. So I just had one open fund for the honeymoon, that was just labeled "Honeymoon". But like I said, I took it down because I didn't want to pay to get my money. However, what I have done is add items to our registry that we can use on our honeymoon and actually will use on our honeymoon. We are going to Asheville, NC and on a little road trip in the mountains of NC, VA, and TN, so I registered for gift cards to the Biltmore Estate. And a gas card since we will be doing a lot of driving. And to a restaurant we want to go to that offers online giftcards. Things like that. We have a honeymoon section of the registry (along with the usual household items). So, if someone wants to buy us a gift from our registry and sees that we are focusing on our honeymoon, they can choose to buy us tickets to the Biltmore. Or buy us some plates. Or give cash. Or nothing at all. Their choice. But, the things we registered for will actually be used on those experiences, which made me feel better about it. Since you already set up your fund and people have started contributing to it, it would be weird to take it down. But consider that it might make some people uncomfortable. Even if you don't NEED things, maybe find some stuff that you'd like to have (doesn't have to be household stuff! My sister registered at REI for all camping and outdoor stuff, including clothing and hiking boots). This may make people feel more comfortable if they are traditional and would like to give you a physical gift. That's my suggestion. Also, I turned down any offers for showers because I hated the idea that I would invite someone to a party where they were expected to bring a gift. That is such a weird idea to me and made me so uncomfortable.

mrsmorales2be · June 2014

OP - why are you even here? You've obviously, and stated repeatedly that you have, in fact, made up your mind to do this. So, again, what do you want?

What you have here is a load of crap. It stinks. It's offensive. You've apparently already taken care of your other crap, but for the sake of having some crap you want this particular box of fecal matter as a token gesture. Of course it stinks, I don't care how much wrapping paper and pretty ribbons you want to dress it up with, this whole idea stinks. And to call it a mini-shower instead of a shower? That somehow makes it better?

You aren't entitled to have a shower. People aren't required to give you anything. To blatantly ask for money is tacky, there is no way around that. EVERYONE here has tried to tell you in the nicest way possible that this is a serious breach of etiquette. You came to an etiquette board to ask about a matter of etiquette. You've been given sound advice. Please listen.

Honeymoon Registry/shower

Re: Honeymoon Registry/shower

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