Invited to an adults only wedding?

whatever2356 · June 2014

?

SammiNJonni · June 2014

They followed etiquette by not mentioning it was adults only on the invite. If your children's names are not on the invite drop it they are not invited. Like they said they will make plans to see the children soon.

ETA: Spelling.

RebeccaB88 · June 2014

You have no way of knowing that other people's kids are invited. So stop jumping to that conclusion. They could have been told the same thing you were. And no one is required to invite your kids. If you don't like that, then decline, but you don't have the right to be hurt over it. Your brother did nothing wrong.

JCbride2015 · June 2014

dream2125 said:

Hi, I need some help on what I should do about a wedding invite I received from my step-brother. Recently he emailed me to get my address so he could send me a wedding invite with a months notice. So I emailed him back with my address and letting him know how excited we are for him and I asked when the wedding is (did not know at that point). He emailed me back and said: "Wedding is on the 29th of June. We are sending out the invitations right now (a little behind). We have to make it up at some point to see all of you guys as well. Unfortunately the wedding is an adults-only affair, but hopefully we can do something with you and the kids soon!" Now, here is the rest of the story: I am an only child and so is my step brother. My Dad and his mom are married/divorced and now common law living together. I have two older children 7yrs and 14yrs old. My kids love him and the last time we all got together he and his fiance played with my daughter and we even talked about the wedding in front of the kids. So I waited to react until I received the invitation. No where on the invite does it say adult-only affair or on the web site he created for the wedding. It is an out door wedding, semi formal. I just don't understand why he would tell me that my kids can't come when he does not tell anyone else the same. We are family too! I am really hurt and will be declining to go to the wedding because I will have to explain to my kids that they cannot go. And I know my kids will not understand and feel like they did something wrong and will be upset. Aside, from this my Dad loves my kids more that life itself and I am not sure if he knows that they are not allowed to come. I could see that my step mom knows and is waiting for me to say something, but I have decided to take the high road and keep my mouth shut. My step mom and I have a pretty good relationship but it is rocky at times. It is his day and I do not want to be the cause of drama on his day. And we all like his fiance and I thought she like us too. How do I tell my dad that we are not going to the wedding? And do this with out causing issues. My husband and I think we should just say that we already have plans that weekend, but I feel like my Dad will be upset with me for not coming. My step mom and I talk all the time and she has shown me her dress she is wearing and telling about things that are happening with the wedding planning. But they have not asked me if we are going to the wedding or anything. I am scared that it is going to come up soon. I have not yet told my brother that we are not coming either. I am worried that this will have a bad outcome either way. I am afraid that my dad will either be very upset with me or my brother. Do I wait till after the wedding to say anything? or say nothing at all? Please help with any advise. Thank you!

They have followed correct etiquette. It would be rude to put "Adults Only" anywhere on the invite or website. The invite is for the people whose names are listed on the inner envelope. So if your kids' names are not on the envelope, they are not invited.

Just be honest. Decline the invitation. If anyone asks why, just say you did not want to attend without your children. You don't have to have an attitude about it-- it's completely proper for a couple to invite no children or only some children. But they have to accept some parents may decline for that reason.

LDay2014 · June 2014

if the kids names were not on the invite, then they are not invited. It's entirely possible that they are having an adults only wedding and they are well within their rights to do so. I'm sorry that you feel hurt by this, and you are welcome to decline the invite if that is what you so choose to do but they have done nothing wrong. Personally, I'd take it as an opportunity to have a night out with my SO and enjoy an evening feeling like you're a couple and not parents.

monkeysip · June 2014

Yup, your stepbrother did nothing wrong here. The invitation is for whoever it is addressed to. If the kids aren't on there, they weren't invited. You can't assume this was just against your kids--more than likely, no ones kids were invited.

If you don't want to go without your kids, that's perfectly fine. You don't have to go. But don't refuse to go to the wedding just because you're mad your kids weren't invited.

ScoutF · June 2014

It is your brother and his FI's wedding and their prerogative to invite who they please. They did right by not mentioning adults on my on the invitation. You are overreacting and I think you will regret missing your brother's wedding.

ScoutF · June 2014

dream2125 said:
Hi,

I need some help on what I should do about a wedding invite I received from my step-brother. Recently he emailed me to
get my address so he could send me a wedding invite with a months notice. So I emailed him back with my address and
letting him know how excited we are for him and I asked when the wedding is (did not know at that point). He emailed
me back and said:

"Wedding is on the 29th of June. We are sending out the invitations right now (a little behind).
We have to make it up at some point to see all of you guys as well.
Unfortunately the wedding is an adults-only affair, but hopefully we can do something with you
and the kids soon!"

Now, here is the rest of the story: I am an only child and so is my step brother. My Dad and his mom are married/divorced and now common law living together.
I have two older children 7yrs and 14yrs old. My kids love him and the last time we all got together he and his fiance played with my daughter and we even talked about the wedding in front of the kids.

So I waited to react until I received the invitation. No where on the invite does it say adult-only affair or on the web site he created for the wedding. It is an out door wedding, semi formal.

I just don't understand why he would tell me that my kids can't come when he does not tell anyone else the same. We are family too!
I am really hurt and will be declining to go to the wedding because I will have to explain to my kids that they cannot go. And I know my kids will not understand and feel like they did something wrong and will be upset.

Aside, from this my Dad loves my kids more that life itself and I am not sure if he knows that they are not allowed to come.
I could see that my step mom knows and is waiting for me to say something, but I have decided to take the high road and keep my mouth shut.
My step mom and I have a pretty good relationship but it is rocky at times. It is his day and I do not want to be the cause of drama on his day. And we all like his fiance and I thought she like us too.

How do I tell my dad that we are not going to the wedding?

And do this with out causing issues. My husband and I think we should just say that we already have plans that weekend, but I feel like my Dad will be upset with me for not coming. My step mom and I talk all the time and she has shown me her dress she is wearing and telling about things that are happening with the wedding planning. But they have not asked me if we are going to the wedding or anything. I am scared that it is going to come up soon. I have not yet told my brother that we are not coming either.

I am worried that this will have a bad outcome either way. I am afraid that my dad will either be very upset with me or my brother. Do I wait till after the wedding to say anything? or say nothing at all?

Please help with any advise. Thank you!

Just in case.

huskypuppy14 · June 2014

You are completely over reacting. I'm assuming the invitation was addressed just to you and your husband? Just because your children were not invited, doesn't mean your brother's fiance doesn't like your family. That is quite a stretch to make.

People have to make decisions when making their guest list. Sometimes that means not inviting children at all, sometimes that means only inviting family children, sometimes that means only inviting immediate families. If you don't want to go to the wedding without your children, then don't go. But don't start drama because your precious children weren't invited somewhere that you were.

ohannabelle · June 2014

It doesn't say "adults only" on the invitation because it's poor etiquette to put that on an invitation. He handled it correctly by letting you know word of mouth.

It's his wedding, and if children aren't included, that's his and his fiancée's choice. There are many adult activities in the world that children aren't included in, and (having been a mother for 32 years) it's okay to let them know, and they learn to handle it graciously. Children, no matter how well loved, aren't entitled to be invited to every occasion. That's life. Yes, you can explain this to your children, and as a parent, you should be able to explain it. If they don't understand and "feel like they did something wrong" you're explaining it incorrectly.

And you don't know why children aren't included. It's probably as simple as budget. If they include one family's kids, they have to include another's, and that adds up. Or space limitations. It's irrelevant why, really. He made it absolutely clear that he cares about your children, and offered to spend time with them soon, on another occasion.

You say he "hasn't told anyone else" the same. How on earth would you know that?

I think that you're blowing this waaaaay out of proportion, and will create unnecessary issues.

Personally, I love to see children at weddings. But it isn't my wedding, or yours.

huskypuppy14 · June 2014

Also, people have to learn that they don't get invited to everything. It's better to teach children that at a young age, or else they will turn out to be entitled princes or princesses when they are adults.

Jen4948 · June 2014

Jumping on the "kids weren't invited, so either go without them or decline the invitation" bandwagon.

As PPs have noted, it's entirely up to your brother and his FI who is invited, and they were under no obligation to invite your kids, regardless of what kind of relationship they have with you. "Saying something about it" to them will make you appear in a bad light.

Your best course of action is either to decline or to go, say nothing about your kids, and use the occasion to teach your kids that they aren't entitled to expect to be invited to everything, even family events.

MairePoppy · June 2014

The only thing you should do is accept or decline with regrets.

TBH, I think you and your husband should go. You're doing your children a disservice by teaching them that they are entitled to an invitation. The couple has every right to have an adult only wedding.

LDay2014 · June 2014

whatever2356 said:

?

SIB
OP, you've already been quoted...editing your text doesn't make it go away, just makes more people want to come see what the DD was about

I'm sorry you didn't get told what you wanted to hear. But you were told the truth. It's purely up to you how you handle it.

ohannabelle · June 2014

I like the name change, as well.

Whatever.

I'm sorry, but the original post combined with the "whatever" combined with the DD....that's some serious brattastic behavior. If this drama llama behavior is how the adult in the house reacts, she's going to have serious fun when those kids are in their teens.

chibiyui · June 2014

Yeah, this was not a big deal, surprised at the DD

huskypuppy14 · June 2014

Let's see, you feel that your children are entitled to come to your brother's wedding. You deleted your post, when you didn't get the answers you wanted. And then you changed your username to "whatever". Sounds like a special snowflake.

banana468 · June 2014

Well, clearly we know that the kids aren't the issue here.

I am still amazed that the idea of having to explain that "kids aren't welcome," is somehow a difficult concept for the mom here. How about, "Uncle Dave is getting married and sometimes weddings are just places for the grown ups. It just means that this is an event for Mom and Dad and we'll see him together as a family at another time."

If you can't go places without your kids you're going to be in for rude awakening on the day that they want to go places without you. Life is going to be a difficult adjustment if adult time with your husband isn't something that you have on a regular basis.

jneen101 · June 2014

Wait what is so hard about explaining to children that they aren't invited? Are your children invited everywhere? That is fucking weird.

sophhabobopha · June 2014

chibiyui · June 2014

I didn't even notice the name change the first time.

You're sure you're the mom right? Not one of the kids?

APDSS22 · June 2014

chibiyui said:

I didn't even notice the name change the first time. You're sure you're the mom right? Not one of the kids?

If she is, I hope it's the 7 year old because even a 14 year old should understand that kids can't be invited everywhere. If the wedding was in a liquor store I wonder if she'd kick up this much fuss?

wrigleyville · June 2014

When we were kids and didn't get invited to weddings, my mom would say, "Daddy and I are going to a party for grownups tonight." I always thought it sounded so glamorous and couldn't wait to grow up so I could go to "grownup parties" too.

I don't remember feeling slighted or upset. I was excited to stay home with a babysitter while they went to their fancy grownup party. If I did whine, I'm sure they parented that out of me by the time I was old enough to form memories.

If your kids are still young, I recommend the same explanation.

AddieCake · June 2014

Your kids aren't invited. If that bothers you, then tell him that's the reason you are declining. Don't make up some bullshit "busy that weekend" excuse. Own your convictions about it if you have them. How do you know other kids are invited?

And I agree your name change choice and DD make you seem like one of the kids here.

LondonLisa · June 2014

When I was little I never was upset about not going to a wedding my parents were invited to. My parents were always very clear that some places are for grown-ups only. In fact, I loved that because it meant I was able to stay home and eat pizza and coca cola (we never got sweets and junk food!) and watch films on the telly. I understand if you would like your children to attend, but I guarantee they won't be heartbroken. Everywhere is not appropriate to take children and he is well within his rights to have an adults-only wedding.

LDay2014 · June 2014

It's an interesting thing that kids learn to make a big deal out of something because their parents make a big deal out of it. Kids look to their parents reactions as a guide on how to behave - if they fall and cut their knee, they look to mom and dad and if they freak out then the kid does too. If mom and dad kiss it, pat them on the head, and send them off to play they learn to deal proportionately with issues as they arise.

This follows the same concept. If mom and dad don't make a big deal out of the kids not being invited, then neither will the kids (@LondonLisa had a great example of the parents making it fun to not go). Yay! I get to stay home and watch movies, have pizza and stay up late! Who wants to go to a fancy grown up party????

Jells2dot0 · June 2014

If I had the choice right now, as an adult, to attend a wedding or stay home, eat pizza, and drink soda, I'd choose the latter

MandyMost · June 2014

ohannabelle said:

And you don't know why children aren't included. It's probably as simple as budget. If they include one family's kids, they have to include another's, and that adds up. Or space limitations. It's irrelevant why, really. He made it absolutely clear that he cares about your children, and offered to spend time with them soon, on another occasion.
You say he "hasn't told anyone else" the same. How on earth would you know that?

Or maybe they just want to have an adult event, with no kids? That's what I'm doing. I have a niece and 2 nephews, and my sis-in-law was definitely a little peeved that the kids weren't going to be invited. She also said the "kids would be hurt". I love those kids more than anything, but I don't want them at my wedding. I want a fun, elegant, adult, Saturday-evening wedding with a fancy dinner and dancing. Kids don't fit into that picture. They would be bored stiff! I can tell my sis-in-law has been saying stuff to the kids, but luckily my mom has been counter-acting it, explaining that some events are adults-only events. If the kids are hurt, it's totally the parents fault for not explaining to them that some things just aren't appropriate for kids.

climbingsingle · June 2014

Growing up, my parents were invited to a ton of family weddings that my brother and I were not invited to. I can't ever imagine them turning down an invite because we weren't invited. Your brother did nothing wrong here. We're not inviting an young kids to our wedding - only 4 kids will be there and they are all older than 12. That's our choice. Just like your brother and his FI can choose whomever they want invited.

KatieinBkln · June 2014

I went to exactly 3 weddings as a child. One was my aunt's. I was four. I don't remember it.

The others I was a tiny bit older. Old enough to remember how DEEPLY BORED I was the whole time. I'm not talking ceremony (I had been to church enough times to know how to get through some pew time), but reception. Nothing for the kids to do (backyard receptions, both) with the notable exception at one reception being a trampoline. Which the kids who "owned" it wouldn't let us use. It was the WORST and I wouldn't wish it upon any kids, even my own (future) ones.

jdluvr06 · June 2014

All you can do is decline or accept the invite. I would personally decline because I think weddings without kids seem boring, but that is just my opinion.

Invited to an adults only wedding?

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